


Beautiful Complications

by Discordia



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/F, F/M, femmeslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2012-09-08
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:13:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 60
Words: 290,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Discordia/pseuds/Discordia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <img/><p>Bella and Edward's hook up at a party causes a rift among their friends but they can't stay away from each other. When Edward leaves for Italy and Bella realizes she's attracted to her friend Claire, their already shaky relationship is threatened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Way We Met

**Author's Note:**

> This is ultimately a Bella/Edward story but there are non-canon pairs initially and later in the story there is a Bella/Claire slash pairing for a portion of the story. If this is something you aren't comfortable with, please disregard this story. Rated for language/underage drinking/lemons.
> 
> This is my first story. It is completed and has been posted on FanFiction, Twilighted and TWCS so if you absolutely cannot wait to read more, it is available on both sites. I will probably be posting here daily, maybe several times a day when I have the chance.
> 
> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Beta: Kherisma

**Prologue**

I met the most amazing guy in the world and I was too stupid to realize it when I fell in love with him. Too stupid to tell him how I felt, and most of all, too stupid to avoid fucking it all up.

I can't bring myself to regret the decisions I've made. Maybe I should. I've hurt people, hurt myself. It's always easier in hindsight to follow the ebb and flow of your life, to see the cause and effect. But while you're in the middle of it, you're just stumbling blindly through each day. Trying to find someone, something, someway to keep going. But I'll never regret meeting someone I care about so much, or having the chance to be with him. I regret the pain, the complications, the heartache. But meeting him; I'll never regret that.

It always seems like the monumental days in your life should feel different somehow. Flashing neon lights and signs announcing that from this day forward everything is going to change. But it's subtle, and insidious, and even when you're in the moment where you make that decision that affects the rest of your life it seems insignificant. Ordinary. Mundane.

The night I met him was just like any other.

* * *

**Chapter One: The Way We Met**

No there's nothing too romantic about the way we met.

That's not to say it doesn't make a certain sense.

Maybe it's just the kind of people that we are.

That's not to say whether it's right or wrong.

It's not right or wrong. It's not right or wrong.

There's no cute story that we tell together.

Laughing and finishing each other's sentences so charmingly

Truth is it was all an accident.

Just like it is for everybody else.

But then again it was all an accident.

Just like the way it is for everybody else.

There's no cute story about the way we met.

We just woke up one day in bed.

Now there's nothing too romantic about the way we met.

That's not to say it doesn't make a certain sense.

Maybe it's just the kind of people that we are.

It's gone to far to be right or wrong. Now, now, now, now.

-"The Way We Met" by Morphine

* * *

"They are so hot!" Alice shouted in my ear, nearly deafening me. "I'm pretty sure I could spontaneously combust right now."

Alice and Rosalie and I had all gone to see the band _Still of the Night_ play and Alice was out of her mind with excitement. Rosalie rolled her eyes at me and I smiled at them both.

Sometimes I was amazed that the three of us were friends. We had met in kindergarten and I often wondered if we'd met later if we ever would have even spoken to each other. In many ways, we were all very different. But in Kindergarten, Alice had marched up to me and told me we were going to be best friends and I didn't even question it. From that day on…we were. And a few months later when Rosalie moved to Forks, she joined us. Alice and Rosalie were as close as I was ever going to come to having sisters, and I loved them dearly. Rose had always been beautiful, her long blond curly hair and huge blue eyes made everyone fall in love with her the moment they met her. Alice had looked a little bit like a porcelain doll, she was fine boned and dark haired with huge eyes. She was always a fiery ball of energy and was irresistible to everyone. I, on the other hand, was plain and boring. Or at least I had been. My dark hair, pale skin and more reserved nature had made me fade into the background. But finally, after years spent feeling invisible next to Alice and Rosalie, I was starting to blossom. I'd been stick straight until my sophomore year of high school, but then out of nowhere I developed curves. With Alice's unflagging enthusiasm I'd also figured out how to style my hair and put on makeup and dress well. Most importantly, over the years both Alice and Rosalie had managed to instill some self-confidence in me and I no longer felt like plain old, boring Bella Swan. In fact, that night I felt gorgeous. I was wearing an obscenely low backed black top and skin-tight black pants with heeled boots. We'd all gotten dressed together and Alice and Rose were equally stunning. Rose wore white off the shoulder silk shirt and leather pants that looked painted on. Alice was wearing a fiery red corseted top and a flirty little black skirt with her usual pair of staggeringly tall heels. It was January, and bitter cold out, and I'd questioned her sanity earlier for wearing so little clothing, but in the heat of the club I was starting to feel over dressed. I fanned myself and Rosalie grinned at me.

"I say we try to get backstage after the show," Rosalie yelled in my ear. I grinned back at her. If Rosalie put her mind to it, we'd have no problem getting in. She had mastered the art of wrapping guys around her little finger at the age of 6 and now she was unstoppable.

"Sure." I shrugged. The bass player was gorgeous. He was tall and thin, with broad shoulders and a wicked smile. His blond wavy hair kept falling into his eyes as he played and it just made me want to run my fingers through it. I wouldn't mind meeting him at all. "Who do you have in mind?" I winked at Rosalie.

"Mmm, I have my eyes on the lead singer."

The lead singer was hot, in a very artsy sort of way. He had messy bronze hair and deep intense eyes. He didn't seem to smile much, but the serious brooding persona worked well with the set they were singing that night. They were a cover band, and one of the better ones we'd seen recently. I was surprised at Rosalie's pick though, he didn't seem like her usual type. I would have expected her to go for the drummer. The drummer was cute with dimples and dark hair and he looked like he could bench press a train car.

I grinned at her. "Have fun! I'm surprised though, I figured you'd go for the drummer."

She shrugged. "I'm in the mood for something different. Who do you have your eye on?"

"The bass player is pretty hot."

She nodded. "Nice."

Alice had been listening and she chimed in, "I'm all about the guitarist. Look at those abs. Rowr." He was tall and lean with longish blond hair pulled back into a ponytail. He was playing shirtless and he had an incredible chest and stomach. A little over-muscled for my tastes, but I could hardly fault Alice for being interested.

"Go for it, Al!" I encouraged her. "I do feel bad for the drummer though, poor boy will be so lonely."

Rosalie smirked at me. "I think I could probably handle both."

We laughed and went back to dancing. The small club was packed and the band was very good. They had gotten the crowd worked up right away and everyone was begging for more. Their final song had the crowd roaring and the encore brought down the house. We were all laughing and buzzing with energy by the time they finally left the stage.

After we grabbed our coats from the coat check, Rosalie shouldered her way backstage with Alice and I in tow. I watched her flirt with the bouncer; she blatantly dragged her manicured fingernail across his chest and whispered in his ear. Alice and I flanked Rosalie on either side and did our best to smile pretty and bat our lashes. The guy looked a little stunned and in just a few moments we were being ushered backstage. We grinned at each other when we saw that so far we were the only people who had been let through. The bouncer headed back to the stage and we continued on to the dressing room.

"What on earth did you say to him, Rosalie?" I asked.

She snickered. "That I'd be eternally grateful if he'd let us through. It's not my fault he probably thinks my eternal gratitude involves certain _favors_." The dressing room door was closed but we could hear voices behind it. Alice giggled and opened the door a little way and we peered inside. We were greeted with the gorgeous sight of four half-naked sweaty guys.

"Very nice, boys," Rosalie purred and all eyes turned to us.

"And who are you, gorgeous?" The drummer looked very interested. I snickered, Rosie was going to have her hands full tonight.

"Rosalie," she answered, but she had her eyes on the lead singer. He flashed her a half smile and walked over.

"I'm Edward." He introduced himself and the drummer looked crestfallen.

I smiled at the bass player and he grinned and came up to me to introduce himself. "I'm Jasper."

"Bella." We shook hands and he tucked a strand of hair behind his ear.

"So what are you girls up to tonight?" The guitar player made his way over to Alice.

She giggled. "Oh, just out for a night of fun. The show was awesome by the way."

"Yeah, it was great. Really good crowd tonight," he said. "Especially you three, we noticed you out there. You really got us fired up." I wondered for a moment if he was talking about their playing or something else. "C'mon in, we won't bite. I'm James by the way."

We let the door swing shut behind us and Jasper gestured me toward a comfortable looking couch and he sat beside me after I had a seat. James sat on an over-sized chair and Alice immediately plopped herself in his lap. "You aren't shy are you?" he asked.

"Nope." She laughed. He leaned in to whisper something in her ear and I saw her giggle and shake her head.

Rosalie sat between the drummer and Edward on the second couch and looked rather smug.

"So did you enjoy the show?" Jasper asked me, there was a hint of a Southern drawl to his speech and I felt myself melt a little. Normally Southern boys weren't my thing, but tonight...tonight I could make an exception.

"It was great," I said enthusiastically. "Honestly, it was one of the best shows I've seen here all year."

"Good to hear." He gave me a sweet smile and I had the overwhelming urge to reach up and kiss him.

"So, do you want to hang out for a while?" James asked, running his hand across Alice's leg.

"Sure." Rosalie shrugged, feigning indifference. "What did you have in mind?"

"We could head back to our place," he offered. I wasn't sure if I liked the way he was leering at Alice, but she was a lot tougher than she looked and I trusted her to take care of herself. It didn't mean I wasn't going to keep on eye on him though. There was something rather predatory about him.

"Your place is fine," Rosalie agreed. "So, do all of you guys live together then?" she asked, looking at Edward.

"Yeah," he said, "We all live in a house. It's not far from here actually, just a couple of blocks."

"We could walk there," Jasper offered, taking my hand and helping me off the couch.

"Sure, that sounds nice." I smiled at him. "Do you guys have to take any of your equipment home or anything?"

"No. We're playing here again tomorrow night so we're just keeping everything here, we just have to make sure the room's locked."

"Hey, Emmett," Edward called to the drummer. "Go talk to security and make sure they lock up after us." The big dark haired guy shot Rosalie one last puppy dog look and walked out the door. "And you…" Edward turned to Rosalie "…I think you need to come with me."

She wrapped her fingers around his bicep and purred, "sounds good to me."

I shook my head; I knew where that was heading. Rosalie had decided she wanted in the boy's pants and nothing in the world could stop her. It was going to be an interesting night. James grabbed Alice's hand and pulled her out the back door. Jasper and I followed behind, a little slower. He helped me into my coat and I thanked him.

"So, are you a student?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah, a senior," I said, feeling a little shy all of a sudden. I pulled my coat tighter around me and I stuffed my hands in my pockets, suddenly chilled by the cold wind after the warmth of the club.

"You're a senior in college? Wow, you look younger than that." He grimaced, "Sorry, that was probably rude."

I laughed. "Um, no, a senior in high school, I'm eighteen."

"How did you guys get in the club?" he asked, sounding confused.

"Fake ID," I said sheepishly and he laughed and gave me a lopsided smile.

"Ahh, yeah. Oh. Um, so I'm going to school at University of Washington. I'm twenty two." He looked a little nervous, as if he expected me to run away once I heard that he was four years older than me.

"What are you studying?" I asked.

"History. I'm focusing on the Civil War Era actually."

"Wow, a history buff and a musician." I smiled at him, "Impressive."

He smiled back. "What about you? Do you have a plan for after you graduate?"

"Yeah, I got accepted to UDub, too, actually. I'm thinking about going into editing."

"Cool. So you like to read?" he asked.

"Yeah, I love to." I nodded.

"What's your favorite book?" he asked.

I laughed. "That's kind of tough, there are so many. I do love _Wuthering Heights_ though." I blushed a little. "I'm such a nerd."

He laughed and his hand squeezed mine. "I think it's cute." He paused and I looked up.

"Wow, this is your house?" I asked, amazed. It was huge and looked way too nice for a bunch of college boys to be living in.

"Yeah. Well, we live here. It actually belongs to Edward's dad. We just pay the rent and try not to trash it too bad."

"It's incredible."

"You wanna come in?" he asked.

"Sure."

 _Charlie would kill me_ , I thought, as I walked into the house behind Jasper. Charlie was my dad, the chief of police of the small town of Forks we lived in, and I was fairly sure he would have completely flipped out if he knew we were going into a house with a bunch of older guys we'd never met before.

I watched as Alice and James went up the stairs once we were inside the house. She giggled and still looked very happy, so I relaxed a little and decided I should stop being so paranoid and just enjoy myself. Rosalie purred something into Edward's ear and he looked like he was about to rip her clothes off there on the stairs so I followed Jasper into the living room.

"Would you like something to drink?" Jasper asked.

"Oh, um, sure, what do you have?" I wasn't sure if he was asking about alcohol or not.

"Hmm, we have iced tea and I think we have some soda, maybe some white wine, and tons of hard liquor." I didn't drink a lot but I figured a glass of wine wouldn't be too much. I hadn't had anything at the bar earlier.

"Um, a glass of white wine would be good," I said. "Just one though, cause I'm the DD."

"Of course. I'll be right back with that." I glanced around the room while he went into the kitchen. It was stylish, but very comfortable. There were a few low lights scattered throughout the room but the vibe was relaxation, not seduction. I laughed to myself. Maybe I wouldn't even mind a little seduction. Jasper was adorable and seemed so sweet and polite. I sat down on the couch and rubbed my hands together, still chilled from the cold air outside.

"Here we go." Jasper set a bottle of wine and two glasses down on the table and opened the bottle. He poured a little into both of the glasses and handed one to me. I took a sip and was surprised, it was very good. I didn't know a lot about wine, but I did know that it wasn't the cheap nasty stuff most students drank.

"It's good. Thank you." I paused. "So I'm curious, if you're a student at UDub, why are you guys living in Port Angeles instead of Seattle? It seems like a really long drive to get to classes."

He laughed. "Yeah, I know. We moved into the house last year. Emmett's mom was really sick and he wanted to be close to her, his parents live here in Port Angeles. He's graduated and he found a job here. Edward's almost done with school too, he's actually working on his masters now. James has a job here too so it was really just Edward and I who have to make the drive. We arranged our schedules so we just have a couple of long days of classes a week. Plus his dad had the empty house here that he wanted to rent out, so it worked out really well for all of us. We wanted to try to keep the band together for at least a few more years."

"So you guys aren't trying to make it big?" I asked.

"Not really. We have a great time, but I don't think any of us are looking at it music for a career, at least not playing in a rock band. Plus, we're really just a cover band, we don't have that many original songs we perform."

We talked for at least an hour, slowly sipping our wine. He politely offered me a second glass, but I declined. "Thanks, but I really can't."

"Oh that's right, you're DD, sorry. I shouldn't have even asked darlin'." The wine had apparently loosened Jasper's tongue and his drawl was becoming more pronounced. I smiled at him and he smiled back. We looked at each other in silence for a while and there was a strange tension in the air. I wondered if he was going to kiss me. The silence was broken by a yell from upstairs.

"Leave me the fuck alone, James." I heard Alice holler and I bolted up the stairs with Jasper right behind me. He reached my side when I hesitated over which door it was coming from and he yanked one open.

Alice stood in the room with her hands on her hips and James clutched his nose while blood gushed from it. I went over to Alice and hugged her.

"Are you ok?"

She snorted. "I'm fine. But this jackass doesn't seem to understand that when a lady says no, she means no." I noticed that James's pants were around his ankles but Alice still appeared to be fully dressed and fine.

"What the hell did you do?" Jasper glowered at James.

"The little slut led me on," James said thickly.

"What did you call her?" Jasper's voice was low and threatening.

"She's a cocktease," James managed to spit out and he grabbed a t-shirt that was on the floor behind him to hold to his nose.

Alice rolled her eyes. "He seemed to think that just because I was wearing a short skirt and I didn't mind kissing him that I would give him a blow job. He was misinformed, so I helped explain it to him." There was a glint in her eye and she looked very pleased with herself for giving him the broken nose.

"Are you sure you're ok?" I asked and she turned to me.

"I'm fine. He just needed to be taught a lesson." I could hear someone practically growling behind me and I turned to see Jasper looking like he was ready to tear off James's head. Rosalie was standing in the door wearing nothing but what I assumed to be Edward's shirt looking like she was ready for a brawl, and Edward and Emmett were there too, glowering.

"Get out of this house," Jasper snarled. "Before I throw you out." The other guys nodded in agreement.

"What the fuck?' James shouted. "You're kicking me out of the house? What about the band?"

"Screw the band." Emmett's voice was low but menacing, "I don't want to play with someone who treats girls like that. Look at her, she's probably half your size, and younger than you. You should be taking care of her not taking advantage of her." Rosalie glanced over at him gratefully.

"Get your shit and get out." Edward's voice was cool, but he sounded equally angry. "We'll give you fifteen minutes and then I never want to see you again. We'll send you a check for the rest of the month's rent money and you can pick up your crap next week. We'll leave it in the garage." He walked out of the room and I noticed that he was wearing nothing but a pair of partially buttoned jeans.

We all walked downstairs and Jasper and I sat on either side of Alice on the couch after he brought her a glass of water. She sipped it and patted my hand.

"It's ok, Bella. I know you're worried about me, but I'm fine. He never had a chance to do anything."

"Good." I nodded and hugged her fiercely. "Or I'll go beat the shit out of him." I was irritated with myself for not saying something to her earlier about the vibe I'd gotten from him.

The guys nodded in agreement. "We don't put up with shit like that," Emmett growled. "Do you want us to call the cops?" A guilty look crossed his face. "We probably should have called them before we kicked him out."

"Thank you guys," Alice said gratefully. "But no, you don't need to call the police. I don't think it's necessary under the circumstances, but I appreciate it. I'm sorry about this. I hate to think that because of me you guys are out a member of your band and a roommate."

"Don't even think that," Jasper said, taking Alice's hand. "If we'd realized he was that much of a jackass we never would have let him in the band or our house in the first place."

Jasper looked at Alice with such concern and I could see her stealing little glances at him. I sighed, so much for my little crush on him. I had a feeling it wouldn't be long before he and Alice were completely smitten. We talked for a while longer and Jasper never let go of her hand.

 _No cute musician for me tonight_ , I thought. Oh well, Charlie would have thrown a conniption fit if I'd started dating him anyway. I chuckled to myself, imagining him turning purple at the idea of me dating a college guy in a band. Luckily Alice's parents were a little more laid back.

Once Rosalie saw that Alice was alright, she and Edward disappeared upstairs again. I was tired, but Alice and Jasper were still quietly flirting and I didn't want to interrupt. Emmett prowled around the front of the house, keeping an eye out in case James came back. A short while after the guys had told him to pack up and leave James had crashed down the stairs, tossed a few bags around and swore, and then left.

I grabbed a book sitting on the end table by the couch and started flipping through it. I'd heard of it before, _The Turn of the Screw_ was a classic, but I wondered who in the house had been reading it. I had gotten about thirty pages in when Rosalie and Edward came back down the stairs. They both looked smug and Edward's hair was even messier than before. The guy could definitely pull off the just rolled out of bed look, that was for sure. I tried not to stare too much at the long lean muscles of his back and arms.

"You want to head home, Al?" Rosalie asked. Alice jumped, I'm not sure she'd even realized that they were back. She and Jasper had been staring at each other intently and holding hands without speaking. It was a little weird, but they both looked very happy.

"Uh, yeah, sure," she said, still staring at Jasper. "Let me just run up and grab my phone, I think it's still in James's room." She went upstairs and Rosalie and Edward went outside to talk to Emmett.

"Look, Bella," I heard Jasper say, "I'm really sorry." He looked uncomfortable. "I was indescribably rude to you. I really like you, you seem absolutely wonderful, but all of a sudden I just felt very protective of Alice. And then we touched and there was this spark…" he trailed off, looking remorseful and slightly confused.

"It's ok, Jasper," I said. "I can see there was something between you guys. You're cute, and I like you too, but I'm not going to be heartbroken."

He smiled at me. "Thanks, Bella. Friends?"

"Friends," I agreed. When Alice re-joined us and we all went outside.

"We'll walk you to your car, I don't want you girls going by yourself tonight." Emmett suggested as he fell in beside me. I could see Alice and Jasper holding hands and Rosalie and Edward flirting with each other as they walked ahead of us.

"Thanks, Emmett," I said. "You guys have been great tonight."

He sighed. "I just wish I could have taken a swing at him. The bastard deserved it. But I'm glad the little pixie got in a good shot."

I laughed. "Yeah, she's a lot tougher than she looks, isn't she?"

"I guess so. I'm kind of afraid of Rosalie too," he admitted. "She's hot as hell but I have a feeling she could cause some real damage."

"That she could," I agreed. He gave me a hug when we got to the car and so did Jasper. Edward stood back with his hands in his pockets and nodded goodnight to me. The guy was gorgeous, but he seemed very aloof.

"Mind if I drive, Bella?" Rosalie asked, reaching for the keys. "I haven't had anything to drink in hours and it wasn't much."

"Sure." I tossed them to her and got in the back seat. The guys waited until we started our car and drove off. Alice shivered and we both looked at her, worried.

"Are you sure you're ok, Alice?" Rosalie asked as she drove.

Alice reached over and patted Rosalie's hand. "I'm fine, I just got a chill. I was glad to have you two there, and the guys too, but I can handle myself. He really really didn't get a chance to do anything. We were kissing and he just sort of dropped his pants, stuck his dick at me said, "suck it baby." Alice said the last part in a deep voice and we all laughed.

"Ugh, who says that?" I asked between snickers.

"I don't know. I laughed at him, which probably didn't help, but I told him no thanks and he got really pissy with me, told me I 'owed' him." She snorted. "And he grabbed my arm and I punched him in the nose."

"Good girl," Rosalie said appreciatively.

"It could have been a lot worse, but beyond being a jackass he didn't hurt me. If he'd gone any further with it I would have pressed charges, but I don't think I'll have to worry about him again," she said firmly. We sat in silence for a few minutes and then she twisted around in her seat so she could talk to me. "I'm sorry about Jasper, Bella."

"It's ok. It's obvious you two have something going on there." I shrugged. "He's cute as hell and seemed like a really nice guy, but I've only known him for a few hours. If you're into him, go for it."

"Are you sure, Bella?" she asked, looking worried.

"I'm sure. He's totally into you too, he apologized to me while you were upstairs getting your phone but it's clear that the guy has eyes only for you. Enjoy." I smiled at her.

"Will you promise to tell me if it bothers you? I don't want there to be any weirdness."

"Zero weirdness," I promised. "So, Rosalie, I see you had fun tonight."

I could see her grin in the rear-view mirror. "Yes I did. The boy is hung."

We all snickered.

"You're such a size queen, Rose," Alice teased her. "Does he actually know what the hell he's doing?"

"God yeah," she said fervently. "He has some serious skills. I think I came at least three or four times."

"Nice," Alice said. "So was this a onetime thing or did you get his number?"

"I got his number and gave him mine. I don't want anything serious but I think it'll be a great friends with benefits situation. If either of us meet someone else, no big deal, but if we don't we'll have fun. And if either of us starts to get serious about the other one, we'll end it. No complications that way."

"You cold hearted bitch," I teased her.

She blew me a kiss in the rearview mirror, "You know it!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, tell me what you think, I'd love to hear your opinion on the story!
> 
> -Were you surprised by the pairings?
> 
> -Are you looking forward to reading more?


	2. The Things You Said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The songs for each chapter are completely optional, but they do go really well with the chapters, so check them out if you get the chance!

* * *

**Chapter Two: The Things You Said**

I heard it from my friends

About the things you said

I heard it from my friends

About the things you said

But they know me better than that

They know me better than that

They know my weaknesses

I never tried to hide them

They know my weaknesses

I never denied them

I heard it from my friends

About the things you said

I heard it from my friends

About the things you said

How can a view become so twisted

How can a view become so twisted

They know my weaknesses

I never tried to hide them

They know my weaknesses

-"The Things You Said" by Depeche Mode

* * *

In our town, gossip was every bit as prevalent as the rain and trees. It was not particularly surprising in a town as small as Forks, but it drove me crazy. It didn't take long before everyone knew that Alice and Jasper were dating, and that Rosalie 'had snagged a really hot older guy'. My guess was that someone had overheard us talking about the guys and the news spread like wildfire. I spent a lot of time rolling my eyes at the girls who were constantly yapping about it. Lauren Mallory and I had never been friends but she made a point to corner me after gym class one day and grill me about Rosalie's new guy. I answered her questions as best I could. 'Yes, he was older'. 'Yes, he went to U of W'. 'No, as far as I knew he didn't have a brother.'

Truthfully, I didn't particularly want to feed the gossip, but there was almost no way around it, and I figured at least I could answer the questions truthfully and calm down a few of the wild accusations. The six of us had had an orgy, Alice was pregnant with Jasper's baby, etc. The good news was, in a few weeks a very large scandal hit the town. The assistant coach of the football team had hired strippers for a party for the players, which had then been busted by Charlie and his men. When that hit, the school and the town could talk about nothing else. We were left alone to retreat back into our usual state of anonymity. We weren't popular, but we weren't exactly unpopular. We were the smart girls, but not nerdy, friendly but not the life of the party. Rosalie had the looks to be popular, and Alice had the outgoing personality, but none of us enjoyed the gossipy little cliques or the backstabbing fake friendships. We had each other, what more did we really need?

The funny thing was, most people at school had no idea what we were really like. They didn't know that on my sixteenth birthday we'd gotten drunk for the first time. Rosalie's parents were never home and we had the whole huge house to ourselves. They were wealthy; Mr. Hale was an architect who worked out of Seattle more often than not and Mrs. Hale was a former beauty queen who was miserable as a housewife in Forks. She spent most of her time in Seattle as well, shopping and spending Mr. Hale's money. It made me sad when I did occasionally see them. They were never together and rarely even spoke except to argue. Rosalie had said they were always like that. She hadn't seen them happy together since she was a little kid. Once she was old enough to drive they virtually disappeared, coming home just often enough to make sure that the house was still standing and that there was food in the cabinets. I only had one good memory of Mrs. Hale. She had decided to cook for Rose and I, which was a novelty in and of itself.

More often than not she ordered in pizza or Chinese for us. We were maybe twelve or thirteen and amused by her attempts to play mother. She had heated up spaghetti sauce in the microwave and was boiling water for noodles. To check that the noodles were done she flung them at the cabinet door. Supposedly when they stuck that meant that they were done. It was ridiculous, and fun and we'd all laughed ourselves silly. But those times were few and far between. She was a vivacious, fun person, but in no way suited to be a mother.

As usual, she and Mr. Hale were gone on my sixteenth birthday, so Rosalie had planned a party. It was small, just the three of us, but she had Alice had baked me a funny lopsided chocolate cake from a box and there were gifts for me to open. Later that night, buzzed on sugar, we'd discovered an open bottle of tequila. Rose had mixed up Tequila Sunrises while Alice and I had giggled like crazy. We were tipsy on a single weak drink and thought ourselves completely badass. We never went too wild with it; we were content to drink at the occasional party a few times a year, or a drink out at a club. Our Junior year, Rosalie talked us into getting fake ID's. I was never entirely sure how she managed to find someone to buy them from, although she seemed to be able to charm anyone into anything and we found ourselves waiting in a crappy house in Port Angeles while some random guy made them for us. It was reckless and stupid, but exhilarating at the same time. We didn't often use them to buy alcohol. Most of the time we used them to get into clubs and watch bands play. We occasionally had a drink or two there, but were careful not to do anything to draw attention to ourselves. It was how we got away with as much as we did.

Rosalie had almost entirely no supervision, so she never had trouble getting out of the house. Charlie worked long hours at the police station and since I had always been a good kid, he gave me a lot of freedom. When my mother had abandoned us when I was five, I had been devastated, but the older I got the more grateful I was. I didn't have anyone to hover, or question where I'd been. Charlie operated on the ever so apt motto of 'innocent until proven guilty', and it worked for us. I got good grades, came home promptly when he asked and didn't get caught doing anything I shouldn't. I operated under the 'what he doesn't know won't hurt him' motto and we got along great. We were actually pretty close, and when he was home I enjoyed spending time with him. But often, I was grateful to have my own life. When I told him I'd be out with Alice and Rose he rarely asked what we'd be doing. I knew he was grateful that I was out with friends rather than a boyfriend so he didn't worry much.

Alice's parents were a bit more difficult. Mr. and Mrs. Brandon were completely fine with her dating, but somewhat stricter about curfews and where we were going. They didn't often tell her no, but they had to know where she was going and with whom. Still, they didn't hover too much or bug us about what we did. Alice's dad was a lawyer an her mom was a doctor, so they had a lot of money, if not quite as much as Rose's family. But they weren't pretentious and although Alice loved to spend money on clothes, they didn't really flaunt what they had. Alice had an older brother who drowned in a river when he was eight. Alice didn't remember him, she was only two and half when it happened but I had seen pictures of him several times and Alice's parents' talked freely about him. Despite their grief, they hadn't become completely overprotective of Alice, but they did occasionally get a little nervous. They were nice people, and from all appearances happy together, which was a bit of a novelty for Rosalie and I. I spent a lot of time over there as a kid and they never once complained about having a two other kids to watch. The three of us were a pretty tight unit from the very beginning.

Since Alice and Jasper were dating and Rose was screwing Edward, the six of us spent a lot of time together, although I actually saw very little of Edward. He was either gone or upstairs in his room with Rosalie. When I did see him, most of the time he was aloof and disinterested in socializing with us. Sometimes I wondered if he was annoyed that we were there so much, but I couldn't really read him. One minute I'd be sure he was disdainful of us, or at least me, and then he'd pass me in the hallway and smile and wink. His mood swings gave me whiplash.

I had gotten to know Jasper pretty well and Emmett and I quickly became friends. He sort of reminded me of an older brother the way he teased me and I loved spending time with him. But sometimes...it was lonely. Emmett was still pining after Rosalie, and he talked about her constantly. He and I hung out and rolled our eyes when the others disappeared upstairs to the guy's respective rooms. One night when Alice, Rosalie and Emmett were busy making a mess in the kitchen trying to make popcorn on the stove, and Edward was up in his room, Jasper and I ended up in the living room talking. The guys had been holding auditions to find a guitar player to replace James and I was curious to know how it was going.

"So I heard you guys found a new guitar player," I said to Jasper.

He nodded. "Yeah, he's amazing actually. He's a little bit older than we are, and he really knows what he's doing. I guess the band he was in split, so he was looking for something new. His name is Laurent."

"How soon before you'll be ready to play a show?"

"Hopefully a few weeks. We've been rehearsing as much as possible and he's doing really well."

"That's awesome. Let me know when your first show is, I'd like to see you guys again."

"Yeah, definitely. It'll be good to get back on stage."

"So how are things going with you and Alice?"

"Great actually." He smiled at me. "I've never been happier. She's incredible."

I couldn't help but smile back. "I'm really glad."

"I feel kind of bad that you ended up being a third wheel, well, fifth wheel," he corrected himself.

I shrugged, "Yeah, it gets a little old. But Emmett and I have fun hanging out."

"Good. Let us know if we ever make you feel weird or uncomfortable or anything."

"Of course, but it's really no big deal." I laughed. "Emmett has been driving me a little insane with his constant Rosalie talk, but I'll survive."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "Yeah, he's driving us nuts with it too."

"Us? He tells Edward about it?"

"Oh yeah. Edward just thinks it's funny. Then again, it's not like anything between Edward and Rosalie is serious. In fact, I don't think they're really hooking up as much as she'd like to let on."

"Interesting."

"Yeah, I guess she's been getting a little...clingy which always makes Edward want to run for the hills."

"Hmm, that surprises me, I mean it surprises me that Rosalie's being clingy. I already suspected that Edward isn't the relationship type."

"I think she's just annoyed that he doesn't want her more than she wants him."

I nodded. "That makes sense. I love the girl, but she has a serious need to have guys worshiping at her feet."

Jasper laughed. "That would explain it."

"Is Edward like that too?"

He looked at me seriously. "No, Edward doesn't want guys worshiping at his feet."

I rolled my eyes. "Does Edward want girls worshiping him?"

He shook his head and grinned. "No, not really. I mean he likes the attention of course, who wouldn't? But I think he mostly just likes his space and I think he feels like most girls get too clingy and demanding."

"Yeah, if Rosalie's feeling like he's pulling away and less interested she'll just keep pushing. This could get messy." I sighed.

"I hope not. I'd hate it if we couldn't all hang out, I kind of like our little group."

"I know, me too." I hesitated. "Look, I'll see if I can talk to Rosalie, I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot."

"Thanks, Bella." Jasper gave me a relieved smile. "I just wish I understood Rosalie better."

I spoke quietly, even though they were all making so much noise in the kitchen that I was sure they couldn't hear us in the living room. "Rosalie is...complicated."

"In what way?"

"She tries very hard to pretend like she's confident, but deep down she has an awful lot of insecurities. I think guys fawning over her is some kind of validation."

"I just don't understand why she isn't all over Emmett then."

"I don't know for sure, but I think it's probably because he's so serious about it. And a serious relationship is the last thing she wants."

Jasper shook his head. "Damn, it's all too complicated for me."

I laughed. "Shit, it's too complicated for me."

"What is it that you want?"

"Me?" I shrugged. "I dunno. I guess someone to have some fun with, nothing too serious, but not a one night stand."

He chuckled. "You sound like Edward."

I made a face. "Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?"

"Neither, just a comment. Something I've heard him say a thousand times about girls."

"Yes well, it appears he's all set, at least for the moment. While I can't find a decent guy to save my life."

"You will."

"Oh I know. Once I move to U of W I should be fine. I'll have thousands of guys to choose from."

Jasper laughed. "Try not to break too many hearts."

"Right. I'll keep that in mind," I said dryly. "After all, that is what I'm known for."

"Don't sell yourself short. If Alice hadn't knocked me off my feet I would have been more than happy to go after you."

I laughed, blushing a little at the compliment. "Well, that's nice to hear."

"I mean it. You're gorgeous, Bella. Just because a bunch of high school guys are too dumb to see what's in front of them doesn't mean other guys won't."

Alice appeared out of nowhere and plopped down in Jasper's lap. "Are you hitting on Bella?" she asked.

He kissed her on the cheek. "Yes."

"Good." Alice threw her arms around me. "Cause she's hot."

I couldn't help but laugh. "And our dear Alice has more confidence than sixteen people put together."

"Damn straight. I know I'm fabulous."

"That you are."

That was one of the reasons I loved Alice so much. She was confident, and not in the least bit threatened by what Jasper had said. She knew he loved her, and she trusted that without any reservations.

"So what do you think of Jasper?" Alice asked. We were having a sleepover at her house for the first time in ages. It was just the two of us and we were eating brownies and being girly. Alice had painted my toes a silvery color and I wiggled them, amused by the way they looked.

"I kind of feel like I have bionic toes," I joked.

She rolled her eyes. "Answer my question." She poked my thigh to get my attention. "What do you think about Jasper?"

"I think he's great," I said honestly. "I really like him. I think you two are great together."

She grinned at me. "Me too. I'm so crazy about him, Bella. I think he's it."

"IT it?"

"Yep, IT it."

"Wow."

"I know. I've never felt this way about anyone before."

"I'm so happy for you, Al."

"Thanks." She smiled happily at me. "How are you doing?"

"Eh." I shrugged. "A little lonely sometimes, but I'll survive."

"I'm sure the guys have a hot friend they could set you up with."

I shook my head and laughed. "No way. No blind dates. I'll be fine once we're at school. No big deal."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"God, don't you get horny?"

I nearly choked on the milk I'd been drinking. "Well yeah...of course I do."

"I think I'd go crazy."

I laughed, "Who says I'm not?"

"Good point." She grinned. "So what are you looking for in a guy?"

I shrugged, "I dunno...physically or personality?"

"Either. Both."

"Well, physically, I like tall, and fairly lean. Emmett's cute but way too bulky. I like a swimmer or runner's body I guess. I dunno...not really hung up on eye color or anything, but I like darker hair. Strong features. Not a fan of shaved heads or facial hair."

"And personality?"

"Somebody who can make me laugh. Someone I can have interesting conversations with about books, or movies or art or music. Not obsessed with sports."

Alice laughed. "Too bad I stole Jasper, he really is your type, other than being into baseball."

"Too mellow. I want someone who can challenge me a little bit."

"Edward?"

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Are you kidding me?"

"What?"

"Aside from the fact that he's taken, he'd drive me nuts. He's cute enough but I'd much rather find a guy a little less moody."

"Picky, picky..."

The conversation did give me something to think about though. As much I always tried to act like it was no big deal that I hadn't really dated anyone, it bugged me. I couldn't help but wonder if there was something wrong with me. Intellectually I knew it was nothing that out of the ordinary, and it had probably made my high school years far more drama free than most, but it was frustrating that I'd never really done anything. I'd gone out on a couple of dates that were pretty much duds. And there had been a few games of truth or dare. But sadly, the most notable kiss I'd ever gotten was at one of those games with Rosalie. My most successful date had been with Tyler Crowley, who was nice enough, and sort of cute, but kind of overenthusiastic. We went to the movies and he kissed me after. It was a little sloppy and he went right for my boobs and then stuck his hand down my pants before I even had time to blink. I'd removed his hand and told him he needed to slow down. He'd sheepishly apologized and driven me home. Frankly, it was kind of pathetic, but he was harmless and eventually the awkwardness had dissipated and I didn't cringe when I talked to him in class. Otherwise, my dating career had been pretty non-existent. Most days I was fine with it, but with my friends paired off, it was starting to bother me. I didn't know why I had such a hard time admitting it to Alice and Rose. Maybe because saying it out loud made it that much more real.

I did want someone. It didn't necessarily have to be a boyfriend, but I did want to go out on dates and kiss someone at the end of the night. And if the attraction was there, take it further. It shouldn't have been a big deal to me that I would be a virgin when I graduated high school and went off to college, and yet, somewhere in the back of my mind it was a lingering thought. It was immature, and ridiculous really, I knew that. But knowing that didn't really make it go away. Even though I knew I was being melodramatic, there were nights I lay alone in my bed and wondered if things really would be any better in college, or if I was just doomed to being alone.

"This is getting old you know," Emmett said one night when we were watching movies, nodding toward the upstairs where our friends had all disappeared.

I laughed. "Yeah, it is."

He waggled his eyebrows at me. "You know, we could always hook up just so we aren't the odd people out."

"Eww. Gross, Emmett." I smacked his shoulder, although it was more like hitting a tree, I was liable to injure myself more than hurt him. "I'm not hooking up with you."

He grinned. "Well, it was worth a shot."

"Look I know you're still nuts about Rosalie, why don't you do something about it?"

"Like what?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. You could always let her know how you feel."

"But she's with Edward." His face was sad.

"It's not like it's anything serious between them."

"I know. But c'mon...it's _Edward_. Who would pick me over him? He always gets the girl."

I shrugged. "He's obviously also kind an arrogant jackass. You're really sweet. And those dimples are practically irresistible."

He laughed. "I think you have the wrong idea about Edward. He's actually a really great guy. Even if I'm annoyed at him for getting Rosalie."

I shrugged. "Oh I don't think he's a bad guy. Not at all...I just think he's kind of full of himself. And I can never tell if he likes us being around or if he wishes we'd just leave."

"How much time have you actually spent talking to him?" Emmett asked.

"Not that much," I admitted. "Either he's gone or he and Rosalie are attached at the lips."

"Or other parts." Emmett snickered.

"Eww. You're so gross."

He rolled his eyes at me "I'm a twenty two year old guy Bella, what do you expect?"

I ignored him. "So why are you trying so hard to convince me that Edward's not nearly as bad I think he is?"

Emmett looked sheepish. "I thought maybe you could distract him from Rosalie, and then I could go after her."

I snorted. "Right. Because I can really compete with Rosalie Hale."

"You're beautiful, Bella," Emmett protested.

"Not that beautiful. Trust me. I'm hardly Edward's type."

"What if you were, would you be interested?"

I shrugged, "If he was interested in me, and you're right about him, maybe? I dunno. Like I said, I don't really know him. He's cute, and he's a great musician but that's all I know about him."

"Just think about it, Bella," Emmett said.

"You just want Rosalie to yourself." I teased him. "And you're willing to throw me to the wolves to get it."

"Of course. But I actually think you guys would be good together."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Whatever, Emmett, keep dreaming."

I tried to put Emmett's words from my mind but I couldn't. Truthfully, Edward was a bit of an enigma to me. I mostly saw him in passing, or when we were all out as a group, so I'd never had a chance to get to know him like I knew Jasper and Emmett. I didn't actually think he was a terrible person, but he was very unapproachable. I'd chalked it up to being full of himself, but I trusted Emmett's opinion, whatever the motive behind his comment. It was odd though, it seemed like Jasper and Alice had hinted at the same thing too. I wondered what they saw that I couldn't see. We went out to see another local band play later that night to celebrate Rosalie's birthday and I found myself eyeing Edward, and trying not to be obvious about it. I watched as he raked his hand through his hair, noticed the way he frowned in concentration as he listened to the band, the way he smiled at the waitress and she flushed and nearly dropped the tray she was carrying. It was obvious how aware he was of the effect he had on girls, and it rubbed me the wrong way, although I couldn't exactly say why.

Alice and Rosalie had been dancing nonstop, but I wasn't really in the mood that night. Emmett and I sat at a table off to the side, watching the band and nursing our drinks. Alice waved at me and mouthed that they'd be over in a second. When the band finished there were a few minutes of silence while the DJ got set up. I sat back, waiting for Alice and Rosalie to make their way through the crowd. Edward was headed over to the table too but he stopped at the one next to me. There was a girl sitting there, alone. I hadn't really paid any attention to her, but when I heard Edward speak I turned to look. She looked miserable and it was hard to tell but from where I was sitting, she looked like she might be crying.

"Are you alright?" Edward asked.

She shook her head and I had to strain to hear her over the sound of people talking. "Just having a shitty night. Thanks." She wiped at her eyes.

He frowned. "What happened?"

"I...I got stood up tonight. I had a blind date and he never showed."

Edward smiled sympathetically at her. "I'm sorry. His loss though."

She glanced up at him and his looks finally registered. Her jaw dropped and it took her a moment to pull herself together. "No, I know I'm nothing special," she mumbled and looked down at her drink.

"Don't say that," he said earnestly. "You have the prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen. And you seem like a really sweet girl. You don't deserve to be treated that way."

She smiled up at him gratefully, looking embarrassed.

"Trust me. You'll find someone worthwhile. Just remember that you deserve it." He kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand. "I have to head out with my friends now, but I hope the rest of your night goes better."

"Thanks," she stammered. Edward walked over to our table and her eyes never left him. The truth was, she was rather plain, but the smile Edward had put on her face was absolutely beautiful.

Alice and Rosalie reached us just a few minutes later and I followed them out to Emmett's Jeep in a daze. Maybe I had been wrong about Edward. No guy who was completely full of himself would have noticed the sad girl sitting near me. Much less bothered to talk to her and spent the time to make her feel better. Clearly, there was more to Edward than I'd realized.

"What the hell was that about?" Rosalie snarled at Edward.

"What was what about?" He looked puzzled.

"Flirting with that girl."

Edward shook his head. "I wasn't flirting with her. She was sitting there alone crying. I couldn't just leave her there without making sure she was ok."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Why did you bother? She wasn't even pretty."

He stared at her for a moment. "You are such a bitch sometimes, you know that?"

Rosalie stomped off to climb into the seat beside Alice and I ended up wedged next to Edward. I tried my best to stay on my side of the car, but somehow I couldn't escape the heat from his thigh pressed against mine. I found myself noticing how good he smelled and the long, lean muscles in his forearms when he pushed the sleeves of his shirt up. Neither of us spoke on the ride back to the guys' house. When I stumbled on my way out of the Jeep and he grabbed my hand to steady me, I didn't even stop to thank him. By the time I went to bed I was a wreck, my mind racing with thoughts of Edward. It irritated me that he could get under my skin so easily. His easy smile and charm worked just as readily on me as it did on any other girl. I didn't want to like him.

 _"You don't actually like him_ ," I reminded myself. " _You find him attractive, and that's all. It's just a physical response, and if you actually talked to him for ten minutes you'd find out that he was just as self-absorbed and cocky as he seemed_."

I ruthlessly tamped down the memory of how protective he'd been of Alice the night we met. The way he'd helped me out of the Jeep tonight. And the way he'd smiled at the sad girl and tried to make her feel better. I drifted off to sleep, irritated by my reaction to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, things are beginning to shift for Bella already.
> 
> -How long do you think it'll take before Edward really starts to notice her?
> 
> -And what do you think about their friends hinting to Bella that she and Edward might be good together?


	3. I Hope Tomorrow Is Like Today

**Chapter Three: I Hope Tomorrow is Like Today**

I'm awake, you're still sleeping

The sun will rise like yesterday

Everything that we are now

Is everything we can't let go

Or its gone forever, far away

I hope tomorrow is like today

Don't you go away tomorrow

I don't think I could handle that

You're probably dreaming that you're flying on

Then you start to fall

But then you rise

and shine forever

Don't go away

I hope tomorrow is like today

-"I Hope Tomorrow Is Like Today" by Guster

* * *

I yawned; I was still tired, but I couldn't fall back asleep. I threw a sweatshirt on and went downstairs to the kitchen. I was at the guys' house in Port Angeles. We'd spent the night there after going to the bar the night before. Charlie thought I was at Rosalie's house. Alice's parents knew we were at the guys' place, and were fine with it. And Rosalie's parents weren't around to care. We spent enough time at their house that I felt comfortable rummaging around in their cupboards. I dug out a packet of tea, but the rest of it was pretty bare. I put some water on to boil and sat in one of the kitchen chairs to wait. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my head on them. I wasn't sure what had woken me up so early, but I knew I had been in the middle of a dream. It was hazy, I couldn't really get a clear picture of it in my mind, but I vaguely remembered kissing a beautiful guy, my hands buried in his hair. I had woken up incredibly turned on and couldn't fall back asleep again, even after I'd made myself come.

"I think it's hot." A voice startled me and I jumped and turned to look, my heart racing.

"God Edward…you startled me."

"Sorry," he said. "I just came to get something to drink and I noticed your water was boiling."

"Oh, damn it, you're right. Sorry. I kind of spaced out there for a while." I grabbed some pot holders and pulled the kettle off of the burner. I found a clean mug in the cupboard and put in the tea bag and poured the water into the mug. "I was making tea-" I turned back to face Edward "-hope you don't mind."

He was standing in the doorway with a strange expression on his face. His hair was even more rumpled than usual and his eyes were a bright green. I realized I had never really noticed what color they were before. They were unusual, almost the color of jade stones. He had on grey pajama pants and a black t-shirt and he looked like he had just woken up.

"No, I don't mind." He cleared his throat. "Help yourself to whatever is around. You know that."

I laughed. "That's very generous, but there isn't a whole lot around. I think we may have to go out for breakfast this morning."

He rubbed a hand over his jaw and I couldn't help but notice the way it rasped over the stubble there.

 _I wonder what that would feel like against my skin_ _,_ I thought and then mentally chastised myself. I didn't know why on earth I was even thinking about it. Emmett's comment the night before had apparently messed with my brain. I felt my cheeks turn pink and I whirled around and pretended to busy myself with my mug of tea. I tossed out the tea bag and by the time I turned back to face him I had pulled myself together.

"Are you alright Bella?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah. Just didn't want to let the tea steep for too long, it gets bitter."

He looked at me quizzically, but didn't say anything. I hurried to change the subject.

"So, what do you think, should we go out to breakfast when everyone gets up?" I asked.

He laughed. "That could be a while. Emmett usually sleeps until noon, and Rosalie didn't look like she was getting up any time soon." As if on cue my stomach growled and he laughed again. "And it sounds like you need to be fed sometime soon."

I blushed. "Yeah."

"How about we go pick up bagels for everyone? We can eat right away, and then everyone else can eat when they wake up."

I nodded enthusiastically. "That sounds great actually. Just let me throw on some clothes."

He looked down at my pajama pants and grinned. "What, you don't think that's a good look?"

I laughed. "Hey, I dig the just rolled out of bed look, but it's kind of cold for that. I'll just be a few though."

I grabbed my mug and raced upstairs to the spare bedroom. They hadn't found a new roommate to replace James and I was quite happy to use it whenever we stayed over. Rosalie was in Edward's room of course, and Alice was in Jasper's, but I wasn't about to sleep in Emmett's, even if he was just a friend. With my luck he'd start groping me in his sleep. Or roll over on top of me and crush me to death. With Emmett, either was equally likely. I brushed my teeth and hair and I hurriedly dug out the clothes that Alice had insisted on packing for me. She had put in a pair of dark jeans and my favorite red sweater. I put them on and then groaned when I realized I hadn't checked to see if she had packed any other shoes, all I had was my heeled boots from the night before. I was going to kill myself on the slippery sidewalk outside, but I didn't have any other options. I gulped down my tea and grabbed the boots and my jacket and hurried down the stairs.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to take so long," I said when I skidded into the entryway.

Edward looked up at me, surprised, from where he was sitting in the living room.

"You didn't take long at all."

"Oh, ok. I just hate making people wait for me." I sat on the bottom step to put on my boots and shrugged into my jacket. He walked into the entryway and shoved his feet into shoes. I realized he had changed too, and it looked like he had tried to tame his hair, but it was impossible, it stuck out wildly in every direction as usual. He hadn't shaved though and I fantasized again about the way his stubble would feel against my skin. I shook my head and opened the front door. A cold breeze whipped across me and I dug out my mittens and hat from the pockets of my coat. He stepped outside and pulled the door behind us.

"It's cold out, even for the end of March," I commented and he nodded.

"I know. I keep hoping it'll be spring soon."

"Me too," I admitted. "I just want this semester to be over with."

"Oh that's right, you're graduating in June right?"

"Yep. I'm really sick of high school to be honest." I sighed.

"Yeah, you seem a lot more mature than most high schoolers," he commented.

"Thanks. I always hoped we weren't the annoying high school band groupies." I made a face.

He laughed, "definitely not. We don't let groupies practically move into our house."

I blushed. "Sorry."

"No, it's fine. You guys are cool. I like having you around."

"Thanks." I suddenly realized this was the longest conversation that Edward and I had ever had.

He chuckled. "Although, I have to admit, I find Alice a little...overwhelming."

I smiled. "Yeah, she can be. She means well though. She just...she loves so much. Unreservedly. So she throws herself into things to do things for the people she loves. Jasper is incredibly lucky. And he seems to have the right personality for her...exuberance."

"Yeah, he's really happy," Edward commented.

"Good, she is too. I hope you can get to know her better, I think you'll really like her. She is overwhelming but as cliché as it sounds, she has the biggest heart."

"Oh?"

"Well, did you know she's planning on going into fashion?"

Edward nodded. "I think Jasper mentioned it."

"Well, she loves making pretty dresses and crazy Halloween costumes, but she's also been doing a lot of research on a line of clothes for people with mobility issues."

"Mobility issues?"

"Yeah, people with arthritis or Parkinson's, or other physical issues that might make fastening clothing difficult. Her grandfather has been struggling with Parkinson's for years and one year she modified a pair of pants so it used Velcro to fasten instead of a zipper. He just lit up when she showed them to him. He loathes that his wife has to help him dress or he has to wear sweats. She made him pants that were tailored, but he could still put them on without anyone's assistance. It meant everything to him. And Alice wants to put together a line of clothing like that for other people. People with all kinds of disabilities or challenges."

Edward's mouth opened and closed for a moment before he responded. "That's...amazing."

"I know. There's a lot more to Alice than you can see at a first glance."

"I guess so."

"Just...remember that when she makes you want to strangle her. Cause she will. I love her, but sometimes I just want to wring her skinny little neck."

He chuckled and we walked in silence for a few minutes.

"So what are you doing after graduation?" he asked, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets while we walked.

"Going to U of W in the fall."

"Do you have a major picked out?"

"Yeah, I'm thinking about going into editing."

"Books?"

"As opposed to…?"

He shrugged. "Movies…photos…"

"Oh, um yes, books. I'd really like to work for a publishing company someday."

"That's cool." I looked into his eyes as he glanced at me and I didn't notice the slick spot on the sidewalk in front of me. I felt myself start to slip and I tried to regain my balance. I knew it was a lost cause and I closed my eyes and attempted to relax my body. I'd fallen enough times to know that if I tensed up, I ended up hurt worse. I was prepared for impact when I felt a hand grip my upper arm and an arm wrap around my back. My eyes flew open when I realized I hadn't actually fallen. Edward's face was inches from mine and he looked worried.

"Are you alright Bella?" he asked, frowning.

I laughed, embarrassed. "Yeah, I fall a lot. Thanks for catching me though, that would have hurt."

"You probably would have bruised your tailbone," he said, glancing at the sidewalk. He still hadn't let go of me and I was painfully aware of how nice his arms felt around me. He straightened up a little but didn't remove his hand from my arm. "Let's get you over this icy patch." He guided me past it safely and then let go.

"Thank you," I muttered.

He nodded and then tilted his head to the side. "The bagel place is right over here, let's head in."

I followed him into the store and the warm air felt good on my cold cheeks. There was a long line and I studied the menu while we waited.

"What do you think we should get?" I asked.

He shrugged. "What are you in the mood for?"

"I don't know. A cinnamon sugar bagel with honey walnut cream cheese sounds good."

He smiled. "You have quite the sweet tooth."

"What are you getting?"

"An everything bagel with sun-dried tomato cream cheese."

"That sounds good too."

He laughed. "on second thought, I think you're just hungry."

"That's very possible," I admitted. "Let's just get a couple different kinds of bagels and cream cheese and everyone can pick what they want."

"Should we get coffee?" he asked.

"Yeah, you guys are out."

He laughed again. "That's pretty bad that you know what's in my kitchen more than I do."

I shrugged and said a little defensively, "I like cooking, what can I say?"

"No, it's no insult to you. I just meant I've been slacking. It's like pulling teeth to get Jasper or Emmett to shop, so I usually do it for everyone and they just pay me back. I've been really wrapped up in my classes lately." He smiled at me. "Actually, I wanted to apologize to you about that."

"Apologize for being too busy to grocery shop?" I asked, confused.

"No, apologize that I've been kind of stand-offish. I've been so busy I haven't really taken the time to talk to you at all. I feel bad, you probably think I'm a jerk."

"Yeah kind of," I admitted and then paused, blushing. "Um, I mean..."

"No, I'd rather you were honest." He smiled at me. "Just don't take it personally, I've been really wrapped up in school."

"It's alright." I smiled back at him.

It was really warm in the store and I shrugged out of my coat and draped it over my arm. I felt Edward's eyes on me but before it could really register we reached the front of the line and he placed our order. While we waited we sat at one of the small tables. I fidgeted with the salt and pepper shakers while we talked.

"So, you're going to Forks High, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"That's where I graduated from." He smiled at me. He leaned back in his chair and he looked utterly casual and relaxed. I suppressed a desire to let my eyes linger on his chest under his jacket when he unzipped it.

"Really? I didn't know that." I was surprised. In all of the conversations everyone had had, it had never come up.

He nodded. "Yep, six years ago."

"That's so weird. Small world I guess." I smiled at him.

Edward looked at me seriously for a moment. "So wait I just thought of something…Bella Swan? Is your dad Chief Swan then?"

"Yes."

"He scares me."

I laughed. "Charlie?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I dunno…he just always looks at you like he knows you're up to something."

"That's probably because you are. Did you get in trouble a lot with the law while you were in high school?" I teased him.

"No, just an overdeveloped guilt complex I guess."

"That's funny. He's good at his job I guess, if he's that intimidating. But he's a great guy, really laid back at home."

Edward shrugged. "Oh I'm sure he is. He just, ya know...freaks me out."

"Have you ever actually met him?"

"Not really. I know he knows my parents though."

I looked at him puzzled. "Oh?"

"Yeah, my dad is a doctor. I know they've worked together on cases."

"Oh right. Dr. Cullen, I probably met him at some point. I was at the hospital all the time as a kid."

"May I ask why?"

I blushed. "I can be pretty klutzy, like you saw earlier."

"Anyone could have slipped on the ice Bella."

"Yes, but not everyone _always_ slips on the ice."

"You usually seem coordinated enough."

"Oh, I'm a lot better than I used to be. But I think as a kid I probably sprained or broke something at least once a year."

"Wow. It doesn't show now. You're very coordinated when you're dancing."

"What do you mean?"

"You guys always dance at the shows, and you seem to do just fine. More than fine actually, you are all incredibly hot." He winked at me and I felt an odd flutter in my stomach.

"Thanks." I could feel my cheeks turn pink but I was strangely flattered by his comment.

They called out our order and we stood up to get it. I buttoned my jacket and put on my mittens and hat again and braced myself for the cold air.

"So be careful about the ice," Edward warned me and I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Thanks. You're so helpful."

"I know, one of my many talents."

"And what other talents do you have?" I carefully negotiated around the ice that had caused me to slip earlier and kept going.

He winked at me. "Do you really want to know?"

I blushed. "Maybe not."

"I was just talking about my musical talents of course. What were you thinking of."

"A particular conversation I had with Rosalie," I blurted out. When I realized what I had just said I turned bright red. "Never mind, ignore that I said that."

He laughed. "So she likes to brag about me, huh?"

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not saying anything else. So tell me about this _musical_ talent you have. Other than the obvious, I have heard you sing."

"I've played piano since I was a little kid."

"Were you in band in high school or anything?"

"No, marching band was not my thing. And Forks didn't have a symphony band or anything."

I couldn't help but smile at the idea of Edward Cullen in marching band. He would have stood out like a beacon in the midst of the band geeks.

I chuckled. "Yeah, I can't quite picture you in marching band. Besides, I'm not sure they actually let in anyone who isn't awkward and nerdy."

"I was pretty awkward in high school actually. Come on…I played the piano, that doesn't exactly earn you cool points. Or at least not at sixteen."

"Really?"

"Really. It took me a while to grow into myself."

"Hmm. Yeah, me too, although I hope I still have a ways to go."

"Hey, you're way ahead of me. I was nineteen before I actually had a girl even notice me."

I looked at him dubiously. "I'll take your word for it."

"I didn't say I haven't been making up for lost time." He winked at me.

I shook my head and laughed. We were almost back to the house and I noticed a slippery patch up ahead.

"Be prepared that I might end up on my ass this time," I warned him.

He shuffled the bags he was carrying until he had a free hand, and he wrapped it around my upper arm and guided me over the ice. He grinned at me when I reached the door without falling.

"Hey you made it. Your ass survived unscathed."

I laughed. "I know, it's a miracle."

We were still laughing when we got in the house. Emmett was sitting in the living room and he glanced up at me, surprised. Edward carried the bags into the kitchen and Emmett muttered, "well done," as he walked by.

"I wasn't doing it because you asked me to," I hissed at him. "I was just being polite."

He smirked at me. "Sure Bella."

I sighed and followed him into the kitchen. I really hadn't been talking to Edward because of what Emmett had suggested. It may have crossed my mind once or twice while we talked, but it wasn't why I had done it. It had been an interesting morning though. I wasn't entirely sure what I thought about Edward now. But I had to admit, I was starting to think I'd been wrong about him. He was kind of cocky, but now that I'd talked to him a little more it came across as playful confidence rather than arrogance. I was glad to know that he didn't mind us being around and that his aloofness had more to do with being busy than any dislike he felt toward me. His apology had surprised me, and I was actually kind of looking forward to getting to know him better.

I also had to admit, the dream that had left me so hot and bothered the night before had involved him. It was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen. But it wasn't the last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have to beg and plead to get reviews? Come on guys, give me something, even if it's just to say that you think it's a terrible story.
> 
> -What did you think of their first interaction?
> 
> -Is Edward finally starting to notice Bella a little bit?


	4. What Would Happen

**Chapter Four: What Would Happen**

Electricity, eye to eye.

Hey don't I know you? I can't speak.

Stripped my senses on the spot,

I've never been defenseless,

I can't even make sense of this.

You speak and I don't hear a word.

What would happen if we kissed?

Would your tongue slip past my lips?

Would you run away?

Would you stay?

Or would I melt into you?

Mouth to mouth, lust to lust,

Spontaneously combust

The room is spinning out of control.

You act like you didn't notice, brushed my hand.

What would happen if we kissed?

Would your tongue slip past my lips?

Would you run away?

Would you stay?

Or would I melt into you?

Mouth to mouth, lust to lust,

Spontaneously combust

What would happen if we kissed?

-"What Would Happen" by Meredith Brooks

* * *

It was another Saturday night at the guys' house. They were throwing a party for Jasper's birthday and invited a bunch of people from school and work. It was fun, but the house was crowded and noisy. I wasn't really in the mood and I made my way through the clusters of people laughing and dancing to get out to the deck on the back of the house.

I stepped outside and stopped short when I realized someone was already out there. In the dim light I could barely make out his face.

"Edward? What are you doing out here?"

"Hey Bella." He turned and looked at me before he took a sip of his drink. "Just hanging out here for a while. It was getting a little crazy in there."

"Yeah, I know."

"Have a seat." He gestured to the chair beside him.

"Are you sure I'm not interrupting?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

We sat in awkward silence for a few minutes and then I blurted out the first thing that came into my head. "How is school going?"

He looked at me with an amused expression on his face. "You're asking me about school?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess I am."

"School's fine I guess. I'm kind of struggling with a composition right now though."

"A composition? What exactly are you studying?" I asked, puzzled.

"Oh, I thought you knew. I'm studying music. Music theory and history mostly. I want to be a composer."

I stared at him, astonished. "Really?"

"Really."

"That's awesome."

He laughed. "It will be if I can find some inspiration. This current piece is not going well."

"So you sing and compose...wow."

He looked vaguely embarrassed. "And play the piano too, remember?"

"Well I'm impressed."

He laughed. "It's not that big of a deal really. And if I can't get this piece done I'm never going to pass this class which means I'll never graduate. And I'll just be a homeless starving composer."

"Wow, no pressure or anything," I teased him and he laughed again.

"I know next to nothing about music," I admitted. "I love listening to it, but I wouldn't have a clue how to play it or write it for that matter."

"What kind of music are you into?"

I shrugged. "A little bit of everything really. Everything from metal and industrial to classical. Country and pop are my least favorites, but there are always exceptions. There is some really fun 80's pop out there, and I love Johnny Cash."

"Johnny Cash is sort of in a category all to himself."

"True."

"So tell me more, what other bands are you into?"

"God...that's always so hard to narrow down."

"I know." He grinned at me. "Tell me what music you couldn't survive without."

"Hmm, it kind of goes in phases. Probably the one song I couldn't live without is "Hallelujah"."

Edward nodded. "Agreed. Leonard Cohen or Jeff Buckley?"

"I appreciate both, but I have to say probably Jeff Buckley. It's a simpler version but something about the song is more...visceral. "

"I agree." He looked at me thoughtfully.

"And "Under the Bridge" by Chili Peppers has always been really high on my list too," I added.

"Yeah, that's a great song." He took another sip of his drink. "What song is stuck in your head right now?"

"Painkillers" by Lauren Pritchard," I answered immediately. "It's an amazing song, but damn it's driving me crazy lately. No matter what else I listen to, it pops back into my head."

He laughed. "That's funny. It is an incredible song though, have you seen the video?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it's kind of trippy but I like it. What's stuck in your head?"

"You'll laugh."

"What, is it the theme song to _Spongebob_ or something?"

He shuddered. "No. It's from an opera actually. "Je Crois Tendre Encore" by Bizet."

"Which version?"

"You know it?" He looked surprised.

I grinned sheepshly. "Uh, I'm a huge Johnny Depp fan, and it was on the soundtrack to _The Man Who Cried_."

He gave me a crooked grin. "It's the French version by Salvatore Licitra from that soundtrack."

"I love that song," I admitted. " "Gloomy Sunday" is another gorgeous song from that movie."

"Mmhmm," he agreed. "So I'm curious about what other bands you're into. What's playing on your iPod right now?"

I pulled it out of my pocket and tossed it over to him. "Take a look."

He grinned at me and browsed through my music. "Hmm, let's see...Placebo, Green Day, Bill Withers, Atlanta Rhythm Section, Dan Auerbach, Lords of Acid, Nelly Furtado, Nightwish, Pink Martini, Morphine, Dead Can Dance, Rammstein, VAST, Kronos Quartet...you do have some random stuff on here. I know most of it. Not familiar with Pink Martini or Morphine though."

I laughed. "A lot of people aren't. They're both great though, Pink Martini is from Portland actually. They're very...eclectic. Their stuff is this crazy mix of Latin, lounge, classical and jazz and they sing in at least four languages I think. I'd love to see them in concert."

"Interesting. I'll have to check them out. What about Morphine?"

"They were a band in the nineties; a lot of their stuff has some blues and jazz to it. The lead singer played bass too, and they had a saxophone player and a drummer."

"No guitars?"

"Only on some of the songs."

"Hmm."

"It's great stuff. Really mellow...the lead singer had this amazing voice. It just sort of gets under your skin. It's the kind of music you want to listen to during a thunderstorm with the lights turned low..." I trailed off, feeling idiotic for describing my nerdy musical fantasy. I waited for Edward to laugh at me, but it never happened.

He just nodded and said, "music you feel rather than hear."

I nodded in agreement, "Exactly."

"I totally get that. Kings of Leon have a couple of songs like that for me."

"Hmm, I'd have to say "Closer", "Use Somebody" and "Sex on Fire" are my personal favorites."

"Absolutely. They just sort of grab you by the balls."

"I'll take your word for it. I don't exactly have any." I grinned at him.

"Trust me, I know." He stared at me for a moment and then cleared his throat. "But you know what I mean Bella."

I laughed. "I do actually. The lead singer's voice is...compelling."

"That's a good word for it."

"You'd like Morphine then I think," I said. "His voice is a lot smoother...less gravely and rough, but it's the same kind of feeling."

He nodded, looking thoughtful. "This is going to sound weird but do you ever get the feeling that you're just going to be completely overcome by the music? Where you're listening to the music and it gets inside of you...and it's so overwhelming that you feel like you're going to...I don't know...spontaneously combust from it?"

"I do actually," I said softly and he smiled and leaned toward me.

"Thank god...I was afraid you were going to think I was insane." He chuckled. "That's what got me into music though. I was listening to something and I had that feeling...and I realized I wanted to create that."

His eyes were intense and he didn't look away from me.

I licked my lips nervously and I saw his eyes follow the path of my tongue. Electricity crackled in the air and I could hear myself breathing in short, shallow pants.

"No, I get it," I breathed. We stared at each other for a long while until a voice startled both of us.

"So that's where you are," Rosalie called out. We both jumped and turned to face her and she looked irritated. "I was looking everywhere for you Edward."

"Sorry. I was out here with Bella."

"What were you two doing?" she asked.

"Talking about music." He held up my iPod to show her and then handed it back to me.

"Oh. Well you should come inside now."

"I think I'm good out here for a while. I'm not really in a party mood right now, Rosalie."

She sat down in his lap, straddling him. "I'm sure I can put you in a better mood."

She kissed him and I looked away, uncomfortable. And if I was being honest with myself, I was jealous.

"Rosalie, you're being rude," Edward said when he'd disengaged from her.

"No it's fine." I stood up. "I should head back into the party anyway. I want to talk to Alice."

"It was nice talking to you Bella," he called out. "I'll definitely check out those bands."

"Sure. Let me know what you think." I slipped back into the house and took a deep breath.

 _What the hell had that been about?_ I asked myself. It had been a totally normal conversation but I was feeling jittery and shaky. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a drink, desperately needing something to settle myself. I didn't know what had just happened between Edward and I. For a moment I would have sworn that he was going to kiss me. But I had to be imagining things. Edward couldn't possibly be interested in me.

For a moment I felt smug that Rosalie could never have had that kind of conversation about music with Edward. Not that she had bad taste, we wouldn't have gone to all of the live shows we saw if she hadn't been into music, but her tastes were a lot more limited. Currently, her favorite band was Black Eyed Peas. I didn't dislike them, but frankly she didn't know shit about opera or classical or some of the more obscure stuff I was into. I usually detested music snobs, but at the moment I was viciously pleased that Edward and I had a lot more in common when it came to music. Then again, she was the one on top of him with her tongue in his mouth, so apparently good taste in music didn't mean shit. I downed a drink, and then another just a few minutes later. I forced myself to go talk to other people and not sit in a corner and mope. But I was grateful when the party ended and we all went to bed.

That night I was restless. I tossed and turned for nearly an hour before I clicked on the light and dug a book out of my bag. After twenty minutes of reading the same page over and over I gave up. I tossed the book down and turned off the light again. The drinks I'd had earlier hadn't really helped and now I was just frustrated. Sexually frustrated if I was being honest. I kept replaying our conversation, only this time Rosalie didn't interrupt. I touched myself, picturing his hands on my body and his mouth devouring mine. I buried my face against the pillow when I came; it was the only way to keep from crying out his name.

That night I dreamed of him again. When I awoke I ached for his touch and hated myself for it.

A few weeks later I sat on the edge of the bathtub watching Rosalie as she brushed her hair and rolled it into hot rollers. We were getting ready to go out to listen to the guys play that night and I had finally found an opportunity to talk to her alone.

"So how are things going with Edward?" I asked, trying to keep my voice casual.

She shrugged. "Alright I guess. I think I'm getting bored."

"I'm surprised," I said.

"He's just been kind of lame lately."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know.

"Ok..."

"He's just...so distant all the time. Always focused on school and everything. He's so busy we hardly ever have time to get together anyway. I'm not sure it's worth it." She leaned forward into the mirror and applied mascara to her already long lashes.

"Are you going to end it?"

"Maybe. Why do you care?"

"I was just curious. I just don't want to see this all turn into some big deal. It's nice when we all hang out, I wouldn't want there to be too much drama or anything."

"Oh, I don't think it'll be a big deal. It's not like either of us is in love with the other." She snorted. "I'm sure it'll be fine."

"Well, I didn't know."

She rolled her eyes. "How would you? You've been on like three dates in your life and you've never slept with anyone." She smoothed lipstick on and blotted it with a tissue.

"Well you've got me there. Thanks for reminding me Rosalie."

It hurt, but I was used to the snarky little comments she made. She never meant to be cruel, but she somehow always managed to say the one thing that would bother me. I sighed, it wasn't as though I wasn't interested in dating, but apparently I was only attracted to guys who weren't available.

"C'mon, let's get you ready for tonight. Maybe you'll find a hot guy at the club to hook up with."

"I'm not just going to hook up with some random guy at a club Rosalie." I rolled my eyes at her.

"Well, there's your problem. At least find a guy and give him your number so you can hook up after an "appropriate number" of dates."

"It's not like I have a set number, I just think it's kind of weird to hook up with someone I just met. I'd like to at least get to know them first."

"But most guys, they aren't worth getting to know...except in bed."

"Sorry Rosalie, I'm not the player you are."

She snorted. "Obviously."

I rolled my eyes again. "Fine. Make me pretty so I can find a boy."

She laughed and plugged in a curling iron. "Just remember...you asked for it."

She waved the curling iron in my direction. Apparently she had missed my sarcasm. But I sat still while she worked her magic on me.

"Doesn't it ever bother you?" She glanced at me in mirror.

"Doesn't what ever bother me?"

"Being single all the time."

It was a twist of the knife in my already open wound. She must have seen something in my eyes because she looked momentarily remorseful. "I'm sorry Bella, that didn't come out right."

I sighed. "Jesus Rose, of course it bothers me. It's not like I'm completely asexual. I just...fuck, I don't know. I haven't met a guy who really interests me I guess." I bit my lip at the lie, that wasn't true. I was more than interested in Edward. But I couldn't exactly tell her that when I barely admitted it to myself. Irritated, I turned the conversation to her. "And what about you, have you ever thought about an actual relationship?"

"What about it?" she asked.

"Getting married someday and all that."

She shrugged. "I guess. I mean it's crossed my mind, but somehow I don't think marriage and all that is in the cards for me."

"Not at all? Ever?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll meet someone eventually who will change my mind. But right now, no. I just can't picture it. It's not like I'd have a clue what a good marriage is supposed to be like. You've seen my parents, they're a train wreck."

"True," I admitted.

"My dad's gone all of the time for work, he's only home every few weeks, and my mom's gone all the time too. With her friends. Or she says it's friends, but I'm fairly sure she's having an affair. Or several. Hell, if we had a pool I'm sure she'd be doing the pool boy too. I don't even know why they're still together."

"Oh Rose, I'm sorry."

She shrugged. "I don't really like talking about it. I'm not sure I get what the point of it is anyway. They never should have gotten married and they might as well be divorced now. I just don't think I'm really the type for a long term relationship, married or otherwise."

"Not at all?"

"No. I have so much else I want to do with my life and I'm just counting down the days until graduation and then August when I leave for New York. I have to get the hell out of this town. It's driving me crazy."

I sighed. "But New York? It's just so far. I'll never see you anymore."

"I know." She reached down to hug me. "And I'll miss you and Al, but I've been wanting to go to NYU since I was like twelve."

"I just can't imagine being without both of you guys."

She sighed too. "I don't even want to think about it. What about you? Are you going to fall in love and get married and have nine hundred babies?"

I laughed. "Fall in love and get married? Someday. I hope. But the nine hundred babies, definitely not. I'm not sure I even want one."

"You have plenty of time to figure that out. However...if you never get laid you're not going to have to worry about it at all."

I laughed. "Ugh. It's so not that big of a deal. I will, I just have to find a decent guy first. Not all of us have the entire male population of Washington State at their feet."

"You could."

I snorted. "Right, Rose."

"I'm serious. You've gotten a lot more confident, and I'm proud of you for that. But you would have so many more guys after you if you just realized how hot you are."

"A single guy after me would be enough," I said dryly.

"Well, we're going to see what we can do about that tonight. Take a look in the mirror hot stuff. I don't think you'll have any problems." I glanced in the mirror. She had done an amazing job with my hair and makeup. Between the messy curls, the dark smudgy eyes and the rosy bitten lips I looked like I'd just been fucked.

"Damn Rose. I look like I already got some."

She laughed. "That was the plan. Trust me...you'll have more boys than you know what to do with." She kissed my cheek. "Now let's go hear our boys play."

The band was amazing. Laurent was better than James had ever had been and he fit in seamlessly with the rest of the band. By the end of the first part of their set the crowd was wild. Alice and I were getting really into the music when a guy came up to me to dance and gave me a brilliant smile.

"Wanna dance?" he asked and I nodded.

"Sure."

We moved a little way away from Rosalie and Alice and he introduced himself, "I'm Joe by the way."

"I'm Bella."

He had bright blue eyes and dark brown hair that was constantly falling into his eyes. He held me close but didn't get grabby and to my surprise I really enjoyed dancing with him. We talked a little, when the music wasn't too loud. He was an engineering student and out with some friends for the night. He was just a year older than I was and didn't blink when I said I was still in high school. After the band finished their first set it switched over to a DJ I found myself relaxing and really letting loose. I wound my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me. Finally, a guy who was interested in me that I actually found attractive. It was about time.

His hand slid to my waist and his fingertips grazed across the bare skin there between my skirt and top.

"Sorry," he muttered and moved his hand.

"It's okay." I let my lips graze against his ear when I spoke and his hand returned to my waist.

"I really want to kiss you," he said softly.

"Mmm." I murmured in his ear.

"Can I?"

"Yes," I breathed.

He kissed me tentatively at first but it was nice. His lips were smooth against mine and he pulled away after, to judge my reaction. I smiled at him and pulled him back down to my lips. His mouth opened slightly and I responded in kind, liking the feel of his tongue seeking mine. We kissed for a few minutes before he pulled away and sighed.

"I could seriously get in trouble here if I keep that up."

I was mildly disappointed that he stopped but he gave me a sweet smile and kissed my cheek before he started dancing again. I let him lead and we danced for a while. I was breathless and thirsty when we were done and I excused myself to go get a drink. I was just wondering if he'd ask me for my number or out on a date when I noticed Edward and Emmett glowering in Joe's direction. I went over to Joe and asked him to excuse me again for just a moment.

I went over to Emmett and Edward and scowled at them. "What the hell Em? What's with the death glare?"

"I don't like that guy."

"Why? Do you know him?"

"No, I just don't like the way he had his hands all over you."

"We were dancing. That's sort of to be expected. And what the fuck? Why do you care?"

"I'm just concerned about you Bella. I don't want some jerk to hurt you."

"His name is Joe and he's been very polite. Like I said, we were just dancing. Cut the overprotective brother bullshit and let me have some fun."

"I'm pretty sure that kiss wasn't just dancing."

"So what? I kissed a guy. I'm getting sick of being the only one left out around here," I snarled. "I'm kind of enjoying the attention."

"Bella..." Emmett said but I didn't want to hear it.

"Leave it alone Emmett. Seriously."

Edward didn't say anything, he just threw back a shot and stalked back to the stage, still looking irritated. Emmett went after him and I threw my hands up in the air and walked away. God, I had apparently inherited a couple of big brothers I never wanted. What business of theirs was it anyway? I walked back to Joe and smiled at him.

"Sorry about that. Apparently I have a couple of friends who think they're my brothers. They got a little over protective there for no good reason."

He laughed. "The big guy definitely was acting like a brother, but the other one. The singer in the band, I don't think his feelings for you are so...brotherly."

"What are you talking about?"

"Trust me, he wasn't thinking about you like a sister when he was watching you dance."

I shook my head and laughed, annoyed at the way my heart sped up at the thought of Edward looking at me in a less than brotherly way.

"I think you must have misinterpreted, he's just a friend. He's kind of a flirt sometimes, but he's with the hot blond over there-" I pointed at Rosalie "-and anyway, what I do really isn't any of their business."

Joe shrugged. "It's just a lot more drama than I want to deal with right now. Sorry Bella, you seem really great but I don't want to end up in the middle of all of this." He smiled apologetically and walked away before I even had time to reply. It was official. I was going to kill Emmett and Edward. I grabbed Rosalie away from Alice and Jasper and dragged her over to a table at the back of the room.

"I am going to kill those two."

"Who?" She gave me a confused look.

"Emmett and Edward. They both were pulling this overprotective bullshit on me when a really cute really nice guy asked me to dance."

The expression on her face quickly changed to anger. "You're telling me those two half-wits were cock blocking you?"

I laughed. "Basically. They freaked the poor guy out, he went running."

She growled. "I am so going to hurt them. And you were doing so well too. He was really hot."

"I know. And he was interested in me until they flipped out."

She frowned. "I can't say I'm surprised at Emmett, I would have expected that of him. But Edward? What did he say?"

"Oh, he didn't say anything, just glared at the guy a lot."

She nodded. "Well, it looks they're about to go back on in a bit. I'll give both of them a piece of my mind when the show is over."

I shrugged. "It's not the end of the world. I'm just annoyed."

"You really need to get more aggressive, Bella. Don't let them pull that kind of crap again."

I sighed. "I shouldn't have even mentioned it. It really isn't that big of a deal I swear. I just wanted to vent. Let's just go have fun. C'mon, dance with me gorgeous."

I smiled at Rosalie and she smiled back. "Fine, I'll be nice. I am so yelling at Emmett later though."

I laughed. "He'll probably like it, you know."

She shook her head. "I can't believe he STILL has a thing for me."

"Like I keep telling you, you're a heartbreaker Rose."

She and I spent the rest of the night dancing together and we got quite a few looks from the guys around us. A few from the boys on stage too, which didn't fail to make my heart race. I should have paid more attention to all of them, but it was Edward I couldn't take my eyes off as he snarled and crooned his way across the stage. He might not have been planning on this for a career, but there was no doubt that he knew how to charm a crowd. There were dozens of screaming girls panting after him at the front of the stage. But it was Rose and I that he couldn't take his eyes off of. Maybe it was her tits brushing my back, or the way her hips moved against mine, but I couldn't help but feel a little smug that in some way, I knew he'd noticed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you disappointed that Rosalie interrupted them?
> 
> What do you think might have happened if she hadn't?
> 
> Will I get any reviews if I promise to reply to every single one?


	5. Burning Up

**Chapter Five: Burning Up**

Don't put me off 'cause I'm on fire

And I can't quench my desire

Don't you know that I'm burning up for your love

You're not convinced that that is enough

I put myself in this position

And I deserve the imposition

But you don't even know I'm alive

And this pounding in my heart just won't die

I'm burning up

I'm burning up, burning up for your love

-"Burnin Up" by Madonna

* * *

I was drunk.

"What the hell did you give me Rosalie?" I asked and shook my head, trying to clear it. Everything in the room was starting to spin.

She laughed. "Just a few margaritas."

"How much tequila did you put in them?"

"Just enough." She grinned at me.

"Just enough for three people, maybe." I collapsed on the couch and tried to make the room settle down and stop spinning. The six of us were at Rosalie's house and someone had decided that margaritas were a great idea. I was pretty sure it was Alice and if I still remembered in the morning I was going to have to tell her what a terrible idea it had been. I was well on my way to complete oblivion.

I lost track of time and I wasn't sure how much later it was that Alice bounced onto the sofa next to me, giggling.

"Bella!" She threw her arms around me.

"That was loud Alice," I shrieked and hugged her back.

"Sorry." She giggled again.

"You two look like you're having way too much fun," Jasper drawled from where he was sitting across the room.

"Bella and I alllllways have fun." Alice grinned at him.

"Well I'm bored," Rosalie said, "I think we should play poker."

"But I don't know how to play," I protested.

"I can teach you Bella," Emmett said.

I sighed. "Fine."

Alice pulled me up and together we stumbled toward the dining room table. I found myself sitting next to Emmett and Edward was across the table from me. Rosalie brought out the poker chips and cards and I struggled to focus on what was in front of me.

"What are we going to play for?" Jasper asked. "I don't exactly have a lot of petty cash lying around."

"We'll play strip poker of course," Rosalie said. "The winner of each round gets to keep their clothing and everyone else loses a piece."

"What? Nevermind, I'm not playing," I argued.

She grinned at me. "It'll be fun."

"But I've never played before, and I'm drunk. This is not going to end well," I groaned.

All of the guys smirked but Emmett tried to reassure me. "I promise, I'll help you Bella."

"I've only played once, Bella," Alice said, "and I really don't remember it either."

I sighed. "Fine."

"Look, if it'll make you feel better, you can either take a shot or lose an article of clothing," Rosalie offered.

I nodded and Emmett tried to teach me the rules but my head was spinning. Rosalie dealt the first hand and I tried to focus on the cards in front of me. Emmett whispered instructions to me and I managed to win the first two rounds. Clothes were shed by everyone else and I did my best to ignore Edward's very naked chest in front of me. The third round Jasper won and I buried my head in my hands as everyone laughed.

"C'mon, lose some clothes or take a shot," Emmett teased me.

I was already so drunk I wasn't sure if I could risk drinking any more. I turned red, but I took off my shirt and sat there in a bra and pair of jeans. A few more hands in everyone had lost at least a couple of pieces of clothing. It wasn't long before Edward and Jasper were down to nothing but boxers.

When Rosalie won the next hand she crowed, "Alright...I wanna see a show boys!"

They laughed and stood up, in unison they dropped their boxers and I turned bright red. I tried not to stare at Edward, naked in front of me. It didn't work. I saw everything, the width of his shoulders, the way his body narrowed at the waist, the lithe muscles down his arms and across his chest. The way the v of his muscles led my eyes right to his cock. I gulped and looked away.

The boys sat back down and laughed.

"What now, Rose?" Edward asked.

Rosalie grinned, "Now you can win back your clothes."

Edward managed to win back his boxers in the next round, and Alice and I lost our bras while everyone else took shots. I did my best to cover my chest with my hands, but it was mostly futile. I could feel Edward's eyes on me and I couldn't decide if I was more embarrassed or pleased. A few more hands and a few more drinks and we were all mostly naked. I saw Rose stand up pretend to go refill her glass. Instead she held her finger to her lips and winked as she tiptoed behind the guys. She gathered up their clothes and disappeared with them. After she'd returned, Emmett won a hand and when he turned around to grab his boxers he almost fell of his chair in surprise.

"Where the hell are our clothes?" Emmett bellowed.

I laughed, amazed that they had completely missed Rosalie sneaking around the table to filch them. I had no idea where she'd hid them though. Jasper grabbed a pillow from the nearby couch and covered himself with it. Edward had on nothing but boxers as he wandered around the house, peering behind the furniture trying to find them. Emmett unashamedly strutted around naked. We followed them around laughing, too drunk to even realize we were nearly naked ourselves. Eventually Edward found his clothes but Rosalie managed to unearth a squirt gun from somewhere and went after the boys.

Rosalie kept between Edward and his clothes and after several unsuccessful attempts at trying to get them, I ended up in the middle of their standoff.

"Save me, Bella." Edward laughed, darting behind me.

I laughed. "Hell no, I'm not saving you." But he put his hands on my hips and held me in front of him like a shield. I covered my chest with my hands, embarrassed at the way my nipples tightened when he touched me. My head swam at the mixture of alcohol and arousal.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Hiding behind a girl, very mature, Edward."

He laughed again and leaned down to whisper in my ear, "your clothes are behind us, I'll get them for you if you promise to help me. Shield me from Rose and help me get my clothes back." His breath was hot in my ear and he smelled so good. I felt my body shudder in response to his touch, a lick of fire racing down my spine.

"Deal."

His hands brushed softly against my hips and he guided me with him across the room. I was painfully aware of how little clothing either of us had on and the way the warm skin of his chest felt against my back. We backed slowly over to the chair where my clothes were and I wiggled into my jeans and slipped on my bra. My fingers fumbled with the ends, too uncoordinated to clasp it together. In a quick motion Edward brushed my hands away and hooked it for me. I shivered when his fingers touched my bare skin.

I put on my shirt and said, "alright, he's all yours Rose," as I darted away from Edward. Rosalie grinned at me and chased Edward from the room.

"Traitor!" he yelled at me and I chuckled. I heard them both laugh from the other room and I collapsed onto the couch nearby in a fit of laughter. A few minutes later they raced up the stairs and I heard them both laugh and a door slam. My laughter quickly dissipated and my stomach felt queasy all of a sudden. I waited, but neither of them came back downstairs. With the two of them gone, the fun was over. Emmett and Jasper finally found their clothes and Alice and Jasper fell asleep in the guest bedroom. Emmett took the other couch across the room. I tried to push down the sick angry feeling in my stomach and grabbed some pillows and a blanket.

It had been nothing but foreplay between the two of them. I curled up on the couch and sobbed quietly. I hated being so alone. A part of me wanted to go curl up beside Emmett just to feel someone next to me, but I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. I hated that I was even attracted to Edward and that I was angry that he was with Rosalie right now. I had tried so hard to deny the attraction I felt for him, but I couldn't deny it any longer. I didn't have to like it, or admit it to anyone but myself. But I knew it was there. I sighed and turned over on my other side, wiping angrily at the tears on my cheeks. I was annoyed at myself for letting this turn into a stupid pointless ridiculous crush. I had been completely wrong about him. He was a nice guy, and a great friend. But it was hopeless to think that it was anything else. So what if he made my heart flutter and my legs go weak? He wasn't interested in me. Besides, I was leaving for school in a few short months and there would be thousands of guys to meet. Guys who were available, cute, interesting. Guys who weren't currently upstairs fucking my best friend. The tears flowed hot and angry onto my pillow again and for once my dreams were blessedly Edward free.

Rosalie and I were at her house one day after school studying for finals when she told me.

"It's over," Rosalie announced.

"What is?"

"Edward and I."

"Oh." I felt my heart thump in my chest. I took a deep breath, hating that it affected me that way. "How come?"

She shrugged. "It was mutual. We were both getting kind of bored, I think."

"Well a couple of months with the same guy...that's a new record for you."

She laughed. "Well it's not like I wasn't with anyone else...now that would be stretching it."

"Who else?" I asked, puzzled.

"Oh there's this guy Matt I met when I was out shopping a few weeks ago. Very cute. I

think we're going to a concert this weekend, assuming we actually leave his apartment. We didn't the last time I was over."

I laughed. "Wow. You certainly don't waste any time."

"Well, I like to always have a back-up plan. Or three."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know how you do it. I'd never be able to keep them all straight."

"It just takes practice." She winked at me. "So how are you doing with the boy thing?"

I shrugged, feeling guilty at how relieved I was that they weren't together anymore and that I was lying to my best friend.

"Honestly, I'm not really even thinking about it right now. I just want to be done with school. I'm sure there will be plenty of guys to meet at U of W."

"But you won't have me there as your wingman."

"True. But I find that you're very distracting. You end up with the hot guy I had my eye on, and I end up with the weird friend."

She laughed. "Hey, Al was the one who did that to you last. She ended up with Jasper...and well, you just ended up having to put up with Emmett."

"I love Emmett," I said. "He makes me laugh, and we have a lot of fun together."

"Yes, but when you're hanging out with a guy the size of a house it makes it very hard for you to meet cute guys who you actually might date."

"Well, yeah. But even if Alice and Jasper hadn't gotten all swoony over each other, I can't really see Jasper and I working. He's cute, and he's a great friend...but now that I know him...I dunno. He's just so mellow all of the time. He never really gets worked up about anything. At all. It works with Alice, she needs that to calm her down, but I think he'd put me to sleep."

Rosalie grinned. "Probably."

"I'm really happy for them though," I said. "I do think they're absolutely great together."

"Yeah, I do too. Gives you hope that we at least know a couple that might stay together."

"Unlike our parents," I sighed.

"Do you miss your mom?" Rosalie asked.

"Sometimes." I sighed. "I remember so little of her though, that it's hard to know what I actually miss. I think I miss the idea of having a mom more than the actual thing. Charlie's always tried to be as tactful about it as possible, I think he still loves her even after all that happened. But I don't think she was much of a mother even when she was around when I was little. Sue has pretty much said the same thing, although she's tried to be tactful about it too. I saw Renee a few times that year after she left with Phil, but I just...I don't know. It wasn't the same. And I didn't know her. And when she kind of disappeared after that...I wasn't really that upset about it. I liked living with Charlie and I had you and Alice and her parents, and Sue and Harry and Billy and Jacob. I always felt like I had all the family I really needed. Sue did all of the mom stuff, so I didn't feel like I missed too much. The holidays kind of make me sad, but for the most part I'm pretty happy with what I have." I took a deep breath.

"How are you dealing with your parents?"

Rosalie's dad had officially moved out a few weeks before, and filed for divorce. Even though she hadn't said much of anything about it, I knew it had to be hard.

She shrugged. "It's weird, honestly. I'm here by myself even more, now that my dad's living in Seattle. I don't know why they even moved to Forks in the first place, it's such a Podunk little town. And my mom is pretty miserable, although I have no idea why. She didn't want to spend any time with him when they were together. She's been consoling herself with martinis and younger men but it's not like that's anything new. I'm pretty sure that my dad's had a girlfriend for years, he's just a lot more discreet about it than she is."

I shook my head. "I can't even imagine."

She sighed. "Yeah, it sucks."

"Charlie was just destroyed when Renee left. I don't think he'll ever find someone else."

"I wonder what that's like? Being with someone you love that much." Rosalie looked sad and it was the most vulnerable I'd ever seen her.

"I don't know. I hope I'll find out someday. It's not like I can even find a guy who wants to hook up with me, much less someone who will love me for the rest of my life."

She gave me a funny look. "I think you'd be surprised, Bella."

"Surprised about what?"

"About guys being interested in you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, laughing.

Her lips pressed tightly together. "I have a feeling you'll know soon enough."

"Way to be cryptic Rosalie." I rolled my eyes.

Finals were easy and before I knew it, I had finished my senior year of high school. It was sort of surreal and graduation was over in a blur. People cried and hugged each other and promised to stay in touch. I nodded, smiling, and knew I'd never speak to most of them again. I was ready to be done with this school, done with Forks. I didn't cry, except when Charlie gave me a rib cracking hug with eyes shiny with tears. He was so thrilled for me, beaming with love and pride. Billy and Jacob and the Clearwaters were all there to congratulate me too. Charlie went to go pull my truck around and I spotted Alice and Rosalie talking with a group of people. Jasper was there, which I expected, he came for Alice, but I was surprised to see Emmett and Edward too. I got a hug and a kiss on the cheek from Jasper. And another bone breaking hug from Emmett that lifted me off the floor. I hesitated before I leaned in to hug Edward. It was almost physically painful to touch him. To be so close, to smell his cologne and feel the muscles in his arms flex around my shoulders. I pulled back hurriedly and I wasn't sure if it was my imagination but it seemed like his hand lingered in the sensitive spot between my shoulder blades. I shuddered and it was Jacob who handed me his coat, draped it around my shoulders to keep me warm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I was scorching hot, overheated by the smallest brush of Edward's hand on my bare back. I cursed myself for wearing this ridiculous blue sundress under my graduation gown, and for not leaving the gown on. Clothing would have been a small barrier against the fire of his touch. They invited me to dinner that night but I declined. I claimed it was because I had plans with Charlie and the Blacks and Clearwaters, but mostly I needed to get away from Edward. My nerves were on edge and I desperately needed to clear my head.

I was distracted at dinner. I tried to focus on the conversation but half of it went right by me. I found myself having to ask people to repeat things. Charlie gave me a funny look and Sue pulled me aside after dinner and asked me about it.

"Are you okay Bella?" She looked concerned and I sighed.

"I'm fine. Just have a lot on my mind."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I hesitated, for a moment, I was tempted but then I shook my head. "No, but thanks."

"Boy trouble?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'll get it straightened out eventually."

"Well, call me any time if you want to talk."

"I will." I hugged her and followed Charlie to the parking lot.

I wasn't surprised when partway home Charlie cleared his throat and asked me if I was alright.

"I'm ok. Just have a lot on my mind."

"Anything I can do?"

"No. I'll be fine."

"Alright."

He lapsed back into silence and we continued home. I tried not to think about Edward and if there was any possibility of anything happening now that he and Rose weren't hooking up anymore but it was pointless. My brain refused to think of anything else. I was officially pathetic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmm, strip poker with Edward, Jasper and Emmett, does it get better than that?
> 
> What did you think about the interaction between Edward and Bella?
> 
> And what was Rosalie hinting at?
> 
> I'd love to hear your opinions! Tell me I suck, that' fine, just talk to me!


	6. Burnin For You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling this is what you've been waiting for... Enjoy!

**Chapter Six: Burnin' for You**

Burn out the day

Burn out the night

I can't see no reason to put up a fight

I'm living for giving the devil his due

And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

Time is the essence

Time is the season

Time ain't no reason

Got no time to slow

Time everlasting

Time to play besides

Time ain't on my side

Time I'll never know

Burn out the day

Burn out the night

I'm not the one to tell you what's wrong or what's right

Well I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

Burn out the day

Burn out the night

I can't see no reason to put up a fight

I'm living for giving the devil his due

And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

-"Burnin' for You" by Blue Oyster Cult

* * *

Rosalie's graduation party looked like it was going to be the event of the year. Although in Forks, that wasn't necessarily saying much. The party was for the entire Forks High graduating class. Her parents were nowhere to be found, as usual, so we had free reign. Music shook the house, rattled the windows and people spilled out onto the lawn. There was a bonfire behind the house and I grabbed a drink and made my way over. I wasn't going to let myself have more than two drinks that night. The drunk poker game had been a bad idea and I refused to let myself get drunk around Edward again. I was afraid I'd humiliate myself. Drunkenly beg him to kiss me or something. I shuddered at the thought. No matter how good the kiss might potentially be it wasn't worth the humiliation if he turned me down. When he turned me down, because frankly, I couldn't imagine it playing out any other way.

I sat by the fire idly chatting with Angela about her plans for the summer. I had told Charlie I would get a job but he had waved it off.

"Enjoy your last summer of freedom," he said, "you've worked hard and I know college will be a lot of work too. Take your time, just enjoy the summer while you can."

I was looking forward to spending the summer reading and hanging out with friends. Charlie didn't have a ton of money, but he'd started a college fund for me when I was a baby, and I had a partial scholarship, so as long as I could get a part time job once classes started, money wouldn't be too big of a worry. Angela was planning to work, she was concerned about having enough money for school next year. Her dad's job as a pastor didn't exactly pay much for a family of six. She seemed excited about her job though, so I was happy for her. She was going to be a camp couselor for the summer. Her boyfriend Ben was going to be a counselor there too, which was probably what she was most excited about. He was two years older, and a student at UofW. They had been together for years and he was a really nice guy. They'd met at a youth group through her dad's church. Her parents approved of him, but they were pretty strict about her visiting him at school and it was hard for him to get home as often as he'd like so she was thrilled that they'd be able to spend the entire summer together without her parents hovering.

Angela disappeared after a while and I sat there, staring into the fire. Not unhappy exactly, but anxious, keyed up and unable to relax and enjoy myself. I gulped when I saw Edward sit down in a chair just a few seats away from me. He stared at me a moment, not smiling, just holding my gaze. Eventually he turned away and ran his hands through his hair. My eyes lingered, tracing the fall of a piece of hair that tumbled down onto his forehead.

Eric Yorkie sat down next to me on my other side, chattering about something and I turned to face him.

"I'm sorry Eric," I said, "what did you say?"

"I need you to sign my yearbook."

He thrust it at me with a pen. I flipped to a blank section and bit my lip, trying to figure out what to say to him. Eric was always around and I'd known him for most of my life but we'd never been that close and I had no idea what to write. Thankfully he'd gotten over the stupid crush he'd had on me earlier in high school, that had been awkward for a couple of months. I could feel someone's eyes on me and I peered over at Edward. He still wasn't smiling and his eyes were on me again, an intense stare that made my chest tighten and my hands shake. I let my hair fall down, a curtain coming between us, as I scribbled some nonsense in the yearbook and handed it back to Eric. He grinned at me and said thank you. I repeated that with several more people, each time feeling Edward's eyes on me. When I'd escaped from the last yearbook signing fanatic I stood up abruptly and walked into the house.

I had been out by the fire longer than I'd realized and already people were starting to leave. Apparently I'd missed most of the craziness, for which I was grateful. I really wasn't in the mood for it that night. I sat down and talked to Alice, her mindless chatter about the vacation her parents were taking her on later in the summer was soothing. I nodded at the appropriate moments and laughed when she did. Apparently I did a good enough job faking a conversation because she didn't once ask me what was wrong. I barely saw Rosalie that night. She had found a new guy recently and although I'd hardly met him he seemed nice enough. His name was Josh and he was cute. Not Edward cute, but any other standards...a very hot guy. He was certainly enraptured with Rosalie and she was eating up the attention. Edward had barely given the guy a second glance; he didn't seem to care one way or another who Rosalie was with. Things between them had stayed polite though and they didn't seem uncomfortable when we were all together. I was grateful that things hadn't ended badly between them, and Jasper seemed relieved too. Emmett was heartbroken again and drinking heavily that night. He had been so hopeful that he'd finally have a shot with her, but he was too serious, too intense. For a normally lighthearted guy he was very focused when it came to Rosalie and she shied away from it. He had consumed an obscenely large number of drinks at the party that night although he didn't seem to be feeling them at all. I saw him flirt with a couple of girls, but even from where I was standing I could see the disappointment in his eyes. They weren't Rosalie.

Eventually, the party started to wind down. The drunk people passed out around the house and those of us who were relatively sober settled in the living room to watch movies. I changed into pajama pants and a tshirt before taking a seat on the couch. I stared blankly at the screen, not even seeing the movie that was playing. I had no idea what was wrong with me that night, it was supposed to be a celebration that we'd graduated and instead I was uncomfortable and wanting to be anywhere else. Edward sat down on the couch beside me, his knee pressed against my thigh. My skin prickled with an electric tension making me uneasy and restless. I was tired but strangely jittery and keyed up. Halfway through the movie most of the people in the room had fallen asleep and I gave up trying to watch it and tossed my sleeping bag on an empty spot on the floor, desperately hoping I'd be able to sleep. I crawled into it and I felt someone settle on the floor beside me.

"Mind if I crash here?" Edward asked quietly.

"Go ahead." I shrugged. He grabbed a couple of blankets from the pile at the end of the couch and spread one out to lay on, and another to cover himself. I had been getting weird vibes from him all night. I was used to him joking around, but the intensity he'd been starting at me with made me slightly uncomfortable. He was very difficult to read. I scooted to my right, toward the pile of blankets that Alice and Jasper were wrapped up in.

"Thanks," Edward moved closer to me and whispered in my ear. I'd been trying to get further away from him, but that didn't seem to be working. I didn't reply and focused on the movie instead. A little while later I felt him move even closer to me. I could smell his cologne and despite my better instincts I breathed deep. It was a warm masculine scent, spices and leather and a little bit of vanilla. It seemed specifically designed to drive me crazy. I was startled at first when I felt his hand brush across my arm, very gently. But it was kind of soothing, and I didn't pull away. My skin prickled with anticipation and my heart beat erratically in my chest. After the movie was over someone reached up to shut off the tv and dvd player and the room went dark, the only light came in through a large window on the other side of the room.

Edward moved a little closer to me and I didn't protest when his arm wrapped around me and pulled me close. His arm was heavy where it lay draped around my waist and it made me feel warm and safe. Maybe he was just lonely and I was the nearest single girl.

 _It's kind of nice to have someone hold me while I slept though_ , I thought as I drifted off to sleep, too tired and unsettled to try to figure out why Edward was suddenly showing an interest in me. I woke up a while later still on my side with Edward curled up behind me.

I must have shifted a little because he whispered, "You awake?" in my ear.

"Sort of," I muttered. I could feel his warm breath on my neck and a shudder raced down my spine. His hand traced up my arm and to my shoulder. He softly massaged it a little, stroking over the muscles and his hand was warm through the fabric of my shirt. When he pulled away I was disappointed. But when I heard the zipper on my sleeping bag being quietly lowered I tensed a little. I wasn't sure where he thought this was going. And if I was being honest with myself I wasn't sure where I wanted it to go. I'd been so wrapped up in the fact that nothing could ever happen between us that I wasn't sure how I felt now that he actually was touching me. It made me nervous for some reason. His hand returned to my back and gently eased the tension I had been holding in the muscles between my shoulder blades. I let out of a sigh of contentment and relaxed back against him. I drifted, sleepy and content feeling. He softly stroked my back for what felt like hours, and it was soothing but also arousing. His hand moved to my lower back, still gentle and undemanding. His touch was surprisingly sweet, and tender. I bit my lip at the feeling of his hand on my bare skin when he slipped under my shirt and then around to my stomach and it shook me from my blissful haze. I tensed at the feeling and rolled onto my back.

"Stop it, I'm ticklish," I whispered to him. I could see him grin at me in the dim light. His hand moved just enough to tickle me again and I twitched reflexively. I could hear him laugh quietly.

"That's kind of adorable, you know?"

His mouth nuzzled near my ear and I closed my eyes involuntarily. The tip of his nose dragged across the soft skin and I shuddered, goosebumps breaking out all over my body.

"You smell good Bella," he whispered.

"You smell good, too," I admitted. I saw a gleam of white from his teeth as he grinned at me.

"It's nice to know I have some effect on you."

I would have rolled my eyes at him but his lips skimmed across my neck and I had trouble focusing on anything else. I could feel a tightening in my chest, a buildup of nervous anticipation thrumming through my body. Where was this all coming from? He seemed so indifferent to me most of the time, and it was staggering to have his attention directed at me all of a sudden, however much I wanted it.

"Whatever, Edward. You know that you always have an effect on girls," I muttered.

He grinned again. "I thought maybe you were immune."

His finger made lazy circles his fingers on my stomach while his lips brushed softly against the skin on my neck. Moisture gathered between my legs and I felt a flush of arousal. I squirmed a little, suddenly aware of the ache that had settled there.

I sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, you are pretty damn charming." At least I hadn't admitted that he made me want to rip my clothes off. Even if it was the truth.

"Mmm, I'm glad." His lips moved up my neck to my jaw and then hovered over mine. I took a deep breath. I had to decide if I was going to let this happen and exactly how far I wanted to take it. Because once he kissed me I had a feeling I wasn't going to be thinking very clearly. I wasn't sure if I was nervous because this was all so new to me, or if it was because it was Edward. Maybe both. My mind was too fuzzy and muddled feeling to sort through my scattered thoughts clearly.

 _Fuck it._ I thought as his lips met mine. _No second guessing it. This is exactly what you wanted, just let yourself enjoy this._

I kissed him back and his hand traced along my cheek. The kiss was sweet and gentle at first. His lips feathered against mine, softly teasing. His fingers moved to the back of my head and drew me closer. Ours lips touched more firmly and I moaned quietly. I felt him smile against my lips and his tongue slid between them, wet and hot. Slowly, the kiss grew deeper and then more urgent. He moaned then and pulled me tight against his body. I could feel my skin flush with heat and I stroked the back of his neck with my fingertips, noticing with surprise that his skin was soft there. The kiss was nothing like any kiss I'd ever had before and I realized just how inexperienced I really was. Every kiss, every touch from Edward was deliberate, measured, intense. It was almost overwhelming. I sighed against his mouth and he pulled away to look down at me.

"You okay?"

"Mmm."

I closed my eyes and pulled him back down to me. We kissed for a long while and every touch of his lips made me want more. I floated dreamily in a haze of pleasure, lost in the taste and smell of him. His lips left mine to trail down my jaw and press against my neck again. I shivered when they reached the sensitive spot behind my ear.

"Do you like that?" he murmured.

"Yes." My voice was soft too, I hardly recognized it as my own. His tongue traced the edge of my ear and gently nibbled at the lobe. My nipples hardened and he must have felt them against his chest because he smiled again and his lips found mine. This time the kiss was hard and needy and I found myself responding eagerly. I tangled my fingers in his hair, amazed at how soft it was. He went to pull me tight against him but my sleeping bag was still in the way and he let go of me long enough to unzip it and throw it over both of us. I slid toward him onto the blanket he had been sleeping on and our bodies molded into each other so I was on my back and he lay half on top of me. His body was hard and so much bigger than mine. I felt the back of his fingers brush against the edge of my breasts and when I arched into him he moved them across my nipples. They were already hard, but tightened even further at his touch. He teased them with light brushes and I moaned quietly. He lifted his lips from mine and smiled at me. His fingers slid under my shirt and then up under my bra. When they brushed against the bare skin of my nipples my entire body broke out in goosebumps and I shuddered. I breathed his name quietly and he leaned down to kiss me again while his fingers teased my nipples. I was so wet already and I couldn't stop my body from slowly pushing against his leg seeking more.

His head dipped under the blankets that were covering us and he gently pushed my shirt high enough for his lips to touch my breasts. I whimpered quietly when he did, and pushed up toward his mouth. My fingers tangled in his hair holding him tight to me. He kissed them softly before his tongue dragged across them, flicking at them. I shuddered when his mouth closed around them and he sucked, fighting to keep quiet. I bit back a moan and tugged him up toward me again.

He slid up my body willingly and whispered, "are you ok?"

I nodded. "Just feeling kind of weirded out at everyone around us."

"Do you want me to see if the guest room's free?"

I bit my lip nervously, still feeling a little unsure. If we moved somewhere with privacy I knew I wouldn't want to stop. I sighed and wondered what was wrong with me . The gorgeous guy I'd been lusting after was trying to seduce me and I kept trying to slow him down. And why should I? I couldn't think of a single reason I didn't want this to happen. We were both single, we were friends and I trusted that if I did change my mind he wouldn't push it. And if our earlier fooling around was any indication it was going to be phenomenal. I nodded yes and he kissed me quickly and went out into the hall. I lay there for a moment, my heart thudding in my chest as I though how surreal this all seemed. For a moment, I wondered if I was dreaming. It was almost too good to be real. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I was momentarily startled when he slid back under the blankets.

"Sorry, no luck," he whispered. "There's some drunk kid in there snoring." He pulled me close to him and nuzzled my neck. "I seriously considered throwing him out in the hall. He's not even in the bed, just passed out the floor."

I laughed quietly. "It's alright. We'll just have to be quiet."

He pouted a little and I took his head between my hands to kiss him, suddenly feeling bold. I became the aggressor and he willingly let me lead. He rolled onto his back and I lay half on top of him, my hand coming to rest on his stomach. His shirt rode up a little and my fingers skimmed across the smooth muscles underneath and the narrow line of soft hair that lead downward. His skin was hot against my hand and I let fingers explore him, my hand moving around to his side and then to his back as I tried to fit myself more closely to his body. He shuddered when my thigh brushed his erection and he rolled me over so I was pinned beneath him again, his lips never leaving mine. After a little while he sighed against my mouth and then drew back and propped his head up on one hand. His other hand came to rest on my stomach and I took a deep breath as it slid lower, underneath the waistband of my pajama pants.

"Is this okay?" he asked, his fingers at the edge of my panties. I nodded, unable to even speak. He hesitated a moment, staring down into my eyes. I tipped my hips upward, wordlessly encouraging him. His fingers moved lower and I gasped when they touched my wet slit. He moaned low in my ear. "You're so wet."

I arched into his fingers again and they slipped between my lips. He teased me at first, slowly sliding up and down my wetness. One finger slid inside of me and for a moment I was completely overwhelmed by the feeling of his finger filling me. My body wrapped tightly around his finger and I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, amazed by the way his touch was making me feel. His lips covered mine, muffling the sounds I couldn't stop making. It didn't take long before I was right at the edge. I could feel myself shaking as he slid a second finger inside of me and when the heel of his hand pressed against my clit I came. I bit my lip hard, trying to hold back the scream. I shuddered against him and buried my head in his neck, breathing in his scent, which only made me come harder. It was like the heady rush of a strong drink or a jolt of adrenaline, turning my senses on end and leaving me shaking and blissful. We stayed like that until my orgasm subsided and my breathing returned to normal. I pulled back, hesitant to look him in the eye, feeling suddenly awkward. He gently slid his hand out from between my legs and I could see my wetness glistening on his fingers in the dim light from the window. He brought his other hand up to tilt my face up to look at him.

"You look beautiful like that, coming apart when I touch you," he whispered in my ear, low and fervent.

"Thank you."

Suddenly aware of the people all around us I finally made myself look around the room to be sure that no one had woken up. Everyone seemed to be asleep though and I relaxed against him. Edward wrapped an arm around me and pulled me close as he rolled onto his back. I lay there for a few minutes, trying to absorb what had just happened. But with his scent surrounding me and the pleasurable, satisfied ache between my legs, I couldn't even begin to focus on anything but the feeling of his body against mine. I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder, our fingers intertwined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right, I am dying to know what you thought.
> 
> -Were you surprised by what happened? Was it too fast?
> 
> -What do you think will happen after?
> 
> Do I have to beg and plead for it? Please, just a quick note to let me know if you liked it or not.


	7. It's Over Now

**Chapter Seven: It's Over Now**

Despair, regret, and tenderness  
Is what I feel for you

You read my mind, you made me cry  
Time stood still  
And now I know the reasons why  
Time stood still

Maybe you're the next best thing to happen  
All the things we might have been

A flame becomes a fading light  
That burns inside my heart  
And like a castle in the sand  
It had to fall apart

You made me laugh, you gave me hope  
It's over now  
Our happiness went up in smoke  
It's over now

-"It's Over Now" by Madonna

* * *

I awoke several hours later. The sky was just barely beginning to lighten and I had rolled back to my other side. Edward was wrapped around me, the entire length of his body pressed to mine. I lay there slightly groggy at first, but I woke up rather quickly when I realized that Edward's erection was pushing against me. I squirmed a little and pulled away. He woke up and pulled me back so I was pressed tightly to him.

"See what you do to me?" he whispered.

I rolled over to face him. "No, but I can feel it."

He grinned and leaned down to kiss me. We kissed for a while, leisurely exploring each other. His hand came to rest on my back beneath my shirt and he pressed me closer to him. I was struck with the sudden desire to touch him and I moved my hand lower, my fingers barely brushing against his hardness. He moaned quietly in my ear.

"Do you like that?" I whispered. I wasn't sure where my sudden boldness had come from but suddenly I needed to touch him, to please him the way he'd pleased me.

"Mmm." He sighed in my ear and I pressed more firmly and felt him twitch beneath my hand. I moved my hand under the fabric of his pajama pants, amused to find that he wore nothing underneath. His eyes closed and his breath caught when my hand touched his bare skin. My fingers wrapped around him and my eyes widened at the feel of him in my hand, he was hot and hard and the skin was surprisingly soft. The quiet whimpers coming from him brought me back to reality and I stroked him gently. My fingers teased around the head and across the very tip.

He whimpered again and looked at me through heavy lidded eyes. "God Bella that feels so good." He hooked his thumbs into the soft cotton of his pants and slid them down his legs.

"Tell me what to do."

He groaned quietly. "How about I show you?"

I nodded, suddenly afraid I was going to do it wrong. His hand wrapped around mine and firmly stroked up and down his cock. I focused on his face, liking the way his eyes glazed over and his breathing came quicker as our hands moved over him beneath the blankets.

"I want to please you," I whispered.

"You are," he reassured me.

I scooted closer to him and kissed the side of his neck and along his jaw and he responded with a quiet groan. Encouraged, I stroked him a little harder and he let go, letting me take over. His breathing was harsh and I could feel him shaking against me as I moved my lips to his ear and teased behind it. I gently nibbled at his earlobe and his cock twitched in my hand. His breath was harsh and hot against my cheek and his fingers fisted in the fabric of the back of my shirt.

"I'm not going to last much longer," he warned me and I kissed him hard, swirling my thumb across the tip of his cock, spreading pre-cum across it before I stroked down and then up in one hard movement. He tensed against me and then shuddered as he came, panting harshly against my shoulder. Warmth flowed over both of our hands and I moved my hand more softly up and down him as he softened a little.

He gently pulled my hand off of him and looked a little chagrined. "Sorry."

"Don't be," I whispered.

He groaned quietly and kissed me. "God Bella, I want you. I want to be inside of you," he whispered in my ear.

"I want you, too," I admitted. He smiled at me and pulled off his shirt, using it to gently clean my hand before he cleaned himself.

"To hell with the drunk kid, I'm kicking him out," Edward said softly. He pulled up his pants and turned over, fumbling for something in his backpack on the floor beside him. He stood up and tugged my hand to get me to stand. He held it as we walked down the hall to the guest bedroom. He opened the door quietly, but it was empty. "Good, he must have left on his own."

Edward shut the door behind us and locked it. He gently pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me. Without another word he kissed me and tugged off my shirt. His hands were warm against the bare skin of my back as he pressed me to him. His lips trailed kisses across my shoulder to my neck and my head fell back with pleasure.

He pulled me down onto the bed and removed my bra. My nipples tightened in the cool air and my skin pebbled with goosebumps. He just stared at me a moment, an almost bewildered look on his face.

"You're so beautiful," he said, and his eyes were dark and intense. I didn't know what to say so I just pulled him close to me, feeling his fingers dance across my nipples. At his touch they tightened further, until it was nearly painful. I moaned a little and his mouth replaced his fingers. He trailed kisses down my stomach and when he reached my pajamas he kissed along the edge. I felt a tightness in my chest and I shivered as my arousal became almost overwhelming. He tugged them off of me until I wore nothing but a small pair of pale blue panties. He left them on, merely moving his lips across my hip and down my thigh. His hand gently brushed against me, feeling the wetness through the thin fabric. His lips on my inner thigh made me ache and I moaned and arched into him.

"Please, Edward," I begged, needing more. His lips moved higher, and his finger slipped inside of the panties.

I was soaking wet, and I was momentarily self-conscious, but when I heard him say "God I can't believe how wet you are for me," in a ragged voice, my discomfort vanished. His hands reached for the edge of the fabric to pull them off of me and I helped him. I should have been embarrassed, being completely bare to him for the first time but the look of desire on his face removed any of that.

"So beautiful," he said, and it was so quiet I wasn't sure he intended for me to hear him. He gently parted my legs and I felt his hot breath against my bare, aroused skin.

The feeling of his mouth on me was overwhelming at first. I shuddered at the unfamiliar sensation of a wet warm tongue exploring my body.

"Edward," I breathed and all rational thought disappeared. I was lost, all I could focus on was the feeling of his tongue on me, licking and gently fluttering against my skin. Tasting me. It was hot and wet and so completely foreign. Any pleasure I'd given myself with my hand paled in comparison and I grabbed at his hair, trying to anchor myself before I completely came apart. He pulled back just enough to lighten the touch of his tongue against my aroused skin and I sighed with pleasure as his tongue traced around my clit.

"That feels so good," I moaned. His fingers parted my lips and his tongue dipped inside of me. I found myself arching against him in need. His lips moved to my clit and when he flicked it hard with his tongue I started to come.

"Oh god, Edward," I cried softly and my body arched, my shoulders coming up off the bed. I panted as he continued to tease me. Spasms of pleasure shuddered through my body as I reached the peak.

"Shit, oh, that feels so good," I cried.

I fell back on the bed- overwhelmed- as it started to subside. I realized I was still gripping his hair and I let go, smoothing down the wild pieces that were sticking out in every direction. He placed a lingering kiss on my hip and tugged off his pajama pants and slid up my body, laying on top of me, his body warm and heavy against mine. He kissed my neck, teasing me, and despite the fact that I had just come I wanted more. My lips found his and I could taste myself on him. My legs parted and he fell between them. We kissed for a while, gently moving together, even though he wasn't inside of me yet. I could feel his hardness slide along my wet slit trying to relieve the ache we both felt. I writhed against him, needy and desperate for more. He rose up a little, looking down at me, and his cock nudged at my wet entrance,

"Is this ok?" he asked.

Through the haze of lust I had enough sense to remember that I wasn't protected. "Wait, Edward...I..."

He fell back onto the bed beside me with a groan but he didn't protest. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you."

"No, it's not that...I just...I'm not on the pill or anything and I..."

He sat up and looked at me. "God, of course...I didn't even think...will a condom be ok?"

There was something so earnest and almost hopeful on his face that I couldn't help but smile. I nodded and in a moment he had grabbed one from the pocket of his pants and rolled it on.

"I just want to be inside of you Bella." His voice was low and fervent. My legs parted again and his hands gently held my hips. In a slow smooth thrust he was partway inside of me. I shivered and tensed a little and he didn't move, allowing me to adjust to the feel of him inside me. I took a deep breath and let myself relax around him. He slid in a little further and I was overwhelmed with sensation. I was so full, and nothing had prepared me for that feeling. Not my fingers, or his. The delicious pressure filling me was so much better. I closed my eyes for a moment, wanting to remember the feeling.

"Are you ok?" he asked. I opened my eyes and nodded and he moved again, just enough so that he was fully inside of me and I moaned.

"That feels good."

He smiled at me and bent down to capture my lips. He pulled out of me a little ways and then back in, and in moments my hips were moving to meet his. The only sounds were our heavy breathing and quiet gasps. I closed my eyes again, focusing on just feeling him. Every tiny movement set off little sparks of pleasure inside of me and the growing ache between my legs intensified. I couldn't seem to get enough.

"Mmm, Bella, I want to see you come on my cock," Edward breathed. I felt a rush of fire spread through my whole body at his words, leaving my skin tingling and hyper-sensitive.

"Edward," I moaned and ran my hands up the smooth skin of his back. His muscles tensed under my hands and I felt my inner walls involuntarily clench around him.

He shuddered and groaned my name in reply when his careful control finally snapped. He thrust harder into me and I arched my back to meet him, desperate to feel him deeper inside of me.

"Please...more," I begged. I was frantic and desperate feeling. He leaned down to kiss me, and the feeling of his warm skin against my breasts and his tongue frantically twining with mine sent me over the edge. He groaned and I heard a high keening sound escape my lips and his mouth covered mine again to muffle the sounds. I was beyond reason, desperate and aching...and then I was there. A shiver wracked my entire body and I felt myself flush hot and then cold. I ground my hips against his and his body went rigid. One of his hands gripped my hip and he held himself still within me. He shuddered hard and rested his forehead against my lips as he came. It felt completely natural to gently kiss his forehead while I caressed his sweaty back and he breathed harshly against my neck. I was limp and exhausted with pleasure. He collapsed on top of me and I reveled in the weight of his body against mine but he rolled to his side, drawing me with him. He carefully pulled out of me and I heard myself whimper with disappointment. I was still aroused and I immediately missed the feeling of him filling me. He kissed me and rolled away long enough to toss the condom in the trash. He turned back over so we were both lying on our sides again and he smiled softly at me.

"That was incredible Bella," he said, his eyes still fogged with lust.

I didn't know how to respond so I just kissed him back, trying to tell him how he had made me feel without words. He traced a hand down my spine and I shuddered. My skin was still incredibly sensitive. There was a faint soreness between my legs but it felt good.

"Are you ok?" he asked, looking worried.

"Oh yes." I kissed him, "Sorry I spaced out on you there for a sec. That was amazing."

He smiled. "Good. I was starting to worry."

"Worry that it hadn't been good for me?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah."

"It was more than good," I reassured him.

He leaned down and the tip of his tongue light traced my collarbone. My nipples hardened and I shivered.

He pulled a blanket up over us. "Sorry, I didn't realize you were cold."

"I'm not."

He stared at me for a moment and then a small smile crossed his face. "Mmm, still turned on?"

"God yes," I muttered.

"Hmm. I like that." His fingers slid into me gently, I was even wetter than before. "Fuck, I only had that one condom though. I guess we'll have to be creative."

"Creative is good too." His fingers brushed over my clit and I felt my entire body twitch. "I'm still a little sensitive from earlier though," I moaned.

"I can see that. Is it too much?" his fingers paused and I tilted my hips toward him to encourage him.

"Too much? No, it's just a little...overwhelming."

His touch lightened a little, but he didn't stop

"Fuck Edward, my feet are going numb," I moaned

He paused. "What?"

"I don't know...every time you touch me like that my feet go kind of numb and tingly."

He grinned at me. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"It's good I think. Just bizarre." His fingers had stopped moving and I circled my hips, trying to get him to keep touching me. "Please Edward," I moaned. "More."

"You are so beautiful like that Bella," he said, watching my hips thrust toward his fingers.

"Then make me come." I was starting to get desperate.

He gently pushed me onto my back and slid down until his head was between my legs. He licked up and down my pussy and I moaned louder. His fingers were still inside of me, and the moment his tongue touched my still sensitive clit I came again. His arm held my hips down while his mouth moved over me and my body bucked and shuddered. I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming and the muscles in my stomach and thighs clenched as I came hard. When I finally came down, Edward pulled away and crawled up the bed beside me, covering us both with the blanket. My eyes were still closed and my breathing was harsh and ragged.

His arm draped over my stomach and his lips pressed against my shoulder briefly. We both lightly dozed for a little while until I heard someone stumble by outside the door and into the bathroom across the hall.

"Do we really have to go out there eventually?" I muttered.

He opened his eyes and grinned at me. "Well I guess we _could_ move into Rosalie's guest room and fuck each other silly until someone kicks us out." He propped himself up on one elbow to look at me. "Although we're lacking condoms. We'll have to send out for reinforcements."

I shivered at the thought. "Tempting. But that's not what I meant. I just feel weird walking out there and having everyone know exactly what happened between us," I sighed. "I'm not embarrassed or anything, I just don't really want to announce it to everyone."

His hand smoothed over my hair. "If that makes you uncomfortable I'm sure we can come up with something. I doubt too many people are up yet anyway. Why don't you go out in the living room and sleep for a little while longer? I'll stay here and when I come out in a few hours no one will think twice about it."

"Thanks." I kissed him. "That's...really thoughtful."

"You're welcome. I'm not just a good lay you know." He winked at me. "And you have no idea how much restraint it's taking me to let you leave. I really do want to keep you locked in here naked with me. I can think of a hell of a lot of things I want to do to you."

I felt myself grow wet again and I shivered.

"You're a tease, you know that?" I muttered and stood up to put my pajamas back on. He just smiled at me and lay back on the bed, one arm thrown up over his head, the sheets tangled low around his waist. Fuck me, he was gorgeous. I had just crawled out of bed with him and already I couldn't believe it had actually happened. It seemed completely unreal. I moved for the door and all of a sudden I realized he was standing beside me wrapped in nothing but the sheet.

"Wait, Bella," he said, "I at least want a kiss goodbye before you love me and leave me." He gave me his crooked grin. "And I know you don't want me to kiss you like that out there in front of everyone when you leave."

My heart fluttered when his hand reached out to cup my cheek.

"Alright," I breathed, and my eyes closed.

His lips were warm and soft against mine. He pulled me close and I couldn't resist running my hands across the soft bare skin of his chest. They moved lower, to his stomach and he groaned against my lips, "If you keep that up there's no way I'm letting you out of this room."

"I might be ok with that," I muttered, but I heard someone moving outside the door again. I sighed and pulled back from him. "Damn it, I should go," I sighed.

He looked disappointed but he leaned down and kissed me hard once and stepped back. "Fine."

I didn't know what else to say so I straightened my clothes and opened the door cautiously. Whoever had been out there had disappeared again so I slipped out the door and closed it quietly behind me. I tiptoed through the sleeping bodies on the living room floor and settled into the nest of blankets we had made earlier. I laid my head on my pillow and pulled his pillow closer, breathing in his scent. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my racing heart. If it weren't for the ache in my muscles and the soreness between my thighs I would have wondered if I'd dreamed it all. I replayed it in my head and flushed, remembering. Eventually I fell into a light sleep and woke an hour or so later when people started to get up. Alice stretched and glanced over at me. She smiled and I tried to keep a stupid grin off of my face. I realized I was still clutching Edward's pillow and I thrust it away from me and stood up. I walked into the kitchen, my cheeks burning as I wondered how I was going to act as though nothing had happened. I rummaged around in the cupboard and settled on a box of Fruit Loops. I poured milk into the bowl of cereal as people sleepily wandered in behind me.

I was sitting on a stool at the counter eating my cereal when Edward walked in. Alice and Jasper and Emmett were there, along with a handful of people from school.

"Morning, everyone," he muttered.

I didn't reply. He was shirtless still and I had the overwhelming urge to grab him and drag him back into the guest bedroom. Alice and Emmett were on either side of me and I wasn't sure what to say to him. I busied myself with my cereal, pushing it around in my bowl. Hopefully everyone would chalk my being quiet up to the fact that I was tired. I shifted uncomfortably on the barstool. I could still feel a lingering soreness, a constant awareness of how I empty I felt now that he was no longer inside of me. I wasn't exactly embarrassed about what had happened, but I wasn't quite sure how I felt about it either. Everything was too new, too raw and it seemed like everyone who looked at me would be able to tell. I wanted to go hide in a dark room and think about it before I talked to anyone. Rosalie was nowhere to be seen, as far as I knew she was still upstairs with Josh. I left without saying goodbye to her and hugged Alice and the rest goodbye.

Edward's hug was brief but he smiled warmly at me and whispered, "you're amazing."

When I got back to the house and bolted up the stairs past Charlie.

"Hey dad," I yelled and went into my room.

I heard a bewildered sounding, "hi Bells" before my door shut. I couldn't face him at that moment. If I felt weird around our friends I felt even stranger around Charlie. I was sure that he would be able to read everything on my face. I slipped into the shower and stood there in the water staring at the wall of the shower. I was still sort of in shock. Although maybe shock was the wrong word, it implied something bad happening, which wasn't at all the case. But I was still a bit dazed. So much had happened in the twelve hours I'd been gone. I'd left the house the night before planning on hanging out with friends and having a few drinks to celebrate graduation. Now everything was different. I was still slightly stunned. I didn't regret it, in fact, I was glad it had happened, for a number of reasons. The primary one being the phenomenal orgasms he had given me of course. But also, in a way I felt freer now that I wasn't a virgin anymore. I hadn't been saving myself for marriage or even a serious relationship. Without even realizing it, Edward had actually kind of been the perfect person.

I was suddenly grateful that it had been with Edward. Aside from the fact that it had been a good experience, it hadn't been awkward or weird. It was odd, despite my reoccurring fantasies about Edward, I'd never really thought about him being my first. In a lot of ways, he'd been the ideal choice. Someone I knew, someone I trusted, someone I wasn't in love with, but did care about as a friend. I was still shocked that he'd initiated anything, his interest seemed to come out of nowhere, but I wasn't about to spend too much time questioning it. Despite the complete and utter unexpectedness, it had been wonderful. Thinking about the night before, I absentmindedly washed my hair and finished my shower and went back to my room, closing the door behind me.

Still dressed in my robe I took a seat on the bed and laid back against the headboard. I closed my eyes needing some more time to process what had happened. I was still a little sore, and my previously unused muscles ached. I was shaky and jittery feeling. I replayed the night before in my head; Edward's lips against my skin, his tongue in my mouth, his cock deep inside of me. I moaned involuntarily, and my nipples hardened. I found myself sliding my fingers between my legs to touch my wet, aching flesh. Still aroused from Edward's touch, it didn't take long before I came, gasping loudly and shuddering around my own fingers. But it didn't relieve the ache for more.

I debated if I should call Alice and Rosalie to tell them about what had happened. I hemmed and hawed and finally decided to call Alice.

"Hey Al," I said once she answered.

"Hey Bella," she said. "Do you have something to tell me?"

"What?" _Did she know what had happened?_ I wondered.

"About you and Edward."

"What about Edward and I?"

"Well it was obvious that something happened. Just spit it out."

I gulped. "Um, we kind of slept together last night," I blurted out.

"Holy shit," Alice screeched.

"I thought you meant that you knew!" I hissed. I was trying to keep my voice down to keep Charlie from overhearing. I turned on some music to hopefully drown out our conversation.

"I knew that he had been flirting with you all night and that you guys looked pretty cozy on the floor when we went to sleep, but I didn't realize it went that far. I thought you just made out or something." Alice was talking a million miles an hour and I was afraid that she was going to pass out from lack of oxygen.

"Deep breath darling," I suggested. I actually heard her take a deep breath before she continued.

"How was it?" Her voice was curious now.

"It was good." I blushed.

"Good for a first time, or good good?"

"Well, obviously I don't have anything else to compare it to," I said. "I don't know."

"Did you come?"

"Yes."

"From foreplay, or from the sex?

"Err, both."

"Then it was good good. Well, you couldn't have picked a better...teacher." Alice snickered.

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I really would have to agree with that."

Alice squealed. "You're going to have to give me the details some time."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine."

"Have you told Rose yet?" she asked.

"No." All of a sudden I felt uneasy, "How do you think Rose is going to react?"

Alice sounded serious all of a sudden, "Honestly...I dunno Bella. I think it could be pretty bad..."

"Really? She was with Josh all night..." My voice trailed off. I knew Rose better than that. She could be kind of possessive.

"Yeah, even then. I dunno Bella, I think you're going to have to just call her and talk to her. You can't let her find out from someone else."

"I know. I'll call her now." I sighed. "Well, that's kind of a buzz kill."

Alice laughed, "Were you still on an Edward Cullen high?"

"Yeah," I admitted.

"That's pretty normal. Did you guys talk about it at all?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, did you talk about if it was a one time thing, or if it was going to be a friends with benefits thing, or something serious?"

"No, we didn't really talk about it. I'm not looking for anything serious with anyone, especially Edward. In fact, I'm not sure I can picture him in a serious relationship at all."

She laughed. "Yeah, he's not exactly the model boyfriend type is he? I dunno though, I can see him falling for someone really hard when he finally does though."

"Yeah, maybe." I shrugged. "I'm not looking for that anyway. It was fun, and I'm glad we did it, but beyond that I don't know. I definitely wouldn't be opposed to it happening again, but it's not a huge deal either way. He did say he wanted me again, though."

"Hmm, you sound very laid back about all of it," Alice remarked.

I shrugged. "Yeah I guess."

She sighed, "Sorry Bella, I've gotta get going. I can hear my mom calling for me. My aunt is coming over and she wanted my help with some stuff before she gets here. I'll talk to you later, k?"

"Sure Alice. Later."

I hadn't been entirely truthful with Alice. It was true that I wasn't looking for a relationship, but I definitely wanted to be with him again. Last night had been better than I'd imagined, and I wasn't eager to go back to my normal celibate existence.

I fiddled with my phone for a while, thinking about Rosalie. Last night it hadn't even occurred to me that she would be upset about me hooking up with Edward but now I was starting to worry. She had a tendency to be a little irrationally possessive and I wondered if she felt that way about Edward. My stomach twisted into a knot and I couldn't help but be nervous about her reaction. Sitting around worrying wasn't going change anything though. I took a deep breath and called her.

"Rosalie?"

"Yes." Her voice was cool.

"It's Bella. I wanted to talk to you."

"Alright."

I chickened out. "Did you have fun at the party last night?"

"Yeah, it was good. I think everyone had fun. I'm tired though, and I have a lot of shit I need to get done."

"Me too. I mean I had a good time."

"Yeah."

"So um, you and Josh seemed to be hitting it off well." I was trying to buy myself time.

"Something like that." She laughed but it was brittle sounding.

I took another deep breath. "So I need to tell you something."

"Ok."

"I...Edward and I kind of hooked up last night."

"Oh?"

"Uh, yeah. I just thought you should know."

"Why?"

"Well, we are friends...and I thought you'd want to hear it from me."

"Right." She was silent for a moment before she spoke. "I just want to know one thing: did you plan it?"

"Plan on sleeping with Edward? No...no, it just sort of...happened."

She sighed. "Why am I am not surprised?"

"Look Rose, are you ok?"

"I'm fine. I just have to get going."

"Oh, I'll talk to you later then."

"Goodbye, Bella."

 _Fuck_ , I swore to myself. I didn't know what the hell had just happened. I'd never had a hard time reading Rosalie before but now I didn't have a clue what she was feeling. She seemed a little irritated, and kind of short with me, but maybe she was just tired. I knew I was trying to rationalize it but I refused to think about the alternatives. I hated the thought that I might have hurt Rosalie. With a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach I realized that unless I was willing to endanger my friendship with Rosalie, I could never sleep with Edward again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -How do you feel about what Edward and Bella did?
> 
> -Do you think they should have known how Rosalie would react?
> 
> Do I have to start getting down on my knees and begging for reviews?


	8. Hang On

**Chapter Eight: Hang On**

Stuck without a captain or a chart

No one seems to know just who to follow anymore

Hang on

Hang on

There's a twilight

A nighttime and a dawn

Who knows

How long

So hang on

Hang on

If we fell inside a forest

Would it make a sound?

It doesn't seem there's anyone around

Days are long we carry on

But still don't understand

We're a million miles away

Stuck without a captain or a chart

No one seems to know just who to follow anymore

Hang on

Hang on

There's a twilight

A nighttime and a dawn

Who knows

How long

So hang on

Hang on

Hang on

Hang on

When all is shattered

When all your hope is gone

Who knows

How long

There is a twilight

A nighttime and a dawn

We break

We bend

With hand in hand

When hope is gone

Just hang on

Hang On

-"Hang On" by Guster

* * *

I didn't see Rosalie again until later in the week and although I'd called her twice, she hadn't responded to either of my messages. I was nervous as I drove to dinner, drumming my hands on the steering wheel. Jessica had made plans weeks before to do a big dinner to celebrate graduation and invited Alice and Rosalie and I and a bunch of other people from school. I smiled at Rose when I sat down at the other end of the table from her but she turned away from me without even acknowledging my presence. Alice shot me a questioning glance and I shrugged at her, confused and hurt. I picked at my food while I tried to focus on what people were talking about. I kept stealing glances at the other end of the table and I was surprised when I saw Rosalie talking animatedly to Lauren. She had never been Rosalie's favorite person, in fact as far as I knew, Rosalie never talked to Lauren unless forced to. Several people glanced down at me from that end of the table and I felt an uneasy prickle travel up my spine. I did my best to ignore it and I turned to talk to Tyler.

"So what are you doing this summer?" I asked and tried to focus while he droned on about working at Newton's sporting goods store and his plans for camping and hiking this summer. I nodded at appropriate spots in the conversation but I kept glancing down at the other end of the table. Rosalie was glaring at me and Lauren kept shooting me weird looks. The minute dinner was over and everyone else had wandered out into the parking lot I grabbed Alice.

"What the hell is going on?" I hissed at her.

She looked uncomfortable. "Rosalie is pissed. And she told everyone at school that you fucked Edward at the party and stole him from behind her back," Alice paused and sighed. "She called you a slut."

I growled, "she what?"

"I know, Bella, it sucks." Alice sighed. I could see Rosalie halfway across the lot and I jogged over to her.

"Rosalie, we need to talk."

"I don't think we have anything to talk about, Bella," she said snidely.

"And I think we do. How the hell could you tell everyone what happened?" I asked. "I trusted you."

She laughed bitterly. "And I trusted you not to sleep with Edward behind my back."

"Behind your back? What the hell Rose? You were with Josh and things with Edward were long over. What did I do wrong?"

"Maybe you shouldn't have been such a tramp and fucked him in my house."

"Look, I'm sorry about that if it makes you uncomfortable. But I had no idea it would upset you…"

"Well, you were wrong." She pulled away from me and started to walk to her car.

"So that's it then? You're pissed and we're not going to talk about it at all?"

She didn't reply or even turn around to look at me. But I guess I had my answer. I turned and realized that every one of our friends was standing there in shock, watching. _FUCK, this day couldn't possibly get any worse,_ _I thought_. I got in my truck and slammed the door shut. I brushed by Charlie without a word when I got home and slammed my bedroom door behind me. I fell onto the bed and started crying. I had just lost my best friend and I didn't know if she'd ever forgive me.

Over the next few days my guilt turned to anger. She was being completely unreasonable about all of this. I had no way of knowing that she still had feelings for him, particularly since she'd been with several guys since. Maybe having sex with Edward at her house wasn't the best decision, but her reaction was completely uncalled for. The fact that she'd completely trashed my reputation to everyone in town was particularly painful. I felt nauseous and I'd hardly slept since our fight at the restaurant. I'd also pretty much become a hermit, hiding in my room reading or on my laptop. I was sure the story was all over the town and I had no desire to face anyone yet. I was sitting on my bed looking at the University of Washington website one afternoon when an instant message screen popped up. At first I assumed it was Alice, we had been chatting about some of the clothes she had been designing lately. But she had signed off a few minutes before and when I glanced more closely I realized I didn't recognize the name.

 **PianoGod:** Bella?

 _Who the hell was PianoGod_? I wondered as I typed my reply.

 **BookGirl:** Yes?

 **PianoGod:** It's Edward

 **PianoGod:** Cullen

 _Edward was messaging me? That was random,_ I thought, trying to ignore the little flutter of happiness I felt that he wanted to talk to me.

 **BookGirl:** Oh, hey

 **PianoGod:** I'm sorry about what happened with Rosalie. How are you doing?

 **BookGirl:** Honestly, I've been better.

 **PianoGod:** Alice told me what happened on Friday. Is there anything I can do?

 **BookGirl:** Have a time machine handy?

 **PianoGod:** Sorry, fresh out. I hate that you regret what happened though.

 **BookGirl:** *sighs* I don't regret what we did. I just regret that it caused such a huge mess. I should have known how possessive Rosie is. Have you talked to her since?

 **PianoGod:** Just once.

 **BookGirl:** So how pissed at you is she?

 **PianoGod:** Uh, I hate to say this, but she isn't

 **BookGirl:** Are you serious? I get all the shit for it and what, you're golden? Ok, now I really am pissed.

 **PianoGod:** Yeah, it's shitty. Look, I can talk to her about it if you think it'll help.

 **BookGirl:** Uh, no. That's likely to just make it worse. If you start sticking up for me she'll think it's a serious thing instead of just that one night.

 **PianoGod:** Alright, I don't want to make it worse. I'm sorry it has to be just a one night thing though.

 **BookGirl:** Yeah well, under the circumstances that's probably a good idea if you value your balls and I value my life.

 **PianoGod:** I know. I just had a good time with you the other night…

 **BookGirl:** Aww, I'm sure you say that to all of your girls ;)

 **PianoGod:** Well, only if it's true.

 **PianoGod:** And I'm being serious. I've known you a lot longer…so it was a little different for me.

 **BookGirl:** *laughs* Thanks. I think.

 **PianoGod:** So what exactly did Rosalie say?

 **BookGirl:** Truthfully, not a lot to my face. She mostly badmouthed me to some people at school and then told me she had nothing to say to me when I confronted her about it.

 **PianoGod:** What did she say to everyone?

 **BookGirl:** Well, she called me a slut. Which is pretty amazing considering her track record and the fact that it was my first time. But she's never exactly been fair about that sort of thing.

 **PianoGod:** Wait, it was your first time? Shit, why didn't you tell me Bella?

 **BookGirl:** Err…oops, I didn't actually mean to let that slip. Ugh, I really didn't want to make a big deal about it. Plus, how exactly do you bring that up in conversation?

 **PianoGod:** Well, it might have been a little awkward, but I wish I'd known. I didn't hurt you, did I?

 **BookGirl:** No. It was good. Honestly, I'm glad it was with you. No pressure and all that.

 **PianoGod:** No regrets?

 **BookGirl:** Other than pissing off Rosie, no regrets.

 **PianoGod:** Hey, can I call you?

 **BookGirl:** Uh, sure?

 **PianoGod:** Sorry, I'm just about to head out but I don't want to stop talking to you. Call you in a sec once I get out to my car.

 **BookGirl:** K, later.

I spent a few minutes panicking while I waited for his call. This was an incredibly awkward conversation and I wasn't sure how to deal with Edward right now. My hand shook when it rang.

"Bella?"

"Hey," I answered, suddenly glad that he'd wanted to talk to me.

"So, you promise, no regrets?"

"I promise. I wish there was a way to fix it with Rosalie though." I sighed.

"I know, I wish I had some ideas to help. And it pisses me off that she's mad at you and not me," Edward said. His voice was warm, and he sounded genuinely concerned.

"I know, me too. But it doesn't really surprise me. You're just the boy toy and I'm supposed to be the level headed one who knows better."

He snickered. "Boy toy, huh?"

"Her boy toy, not mine," I said.

"Suuuure." He laughed again before growing serious. "That's such a double standard though, and kind of an insult to me. Either it's because I'm too much of a horn ball to know better or too dumb."

"Well, you do have kind of a track record of seducing girls," I teased him.

"Yeah well… it has been effective. Even on you." Now he sounded smug.

"You didn't seduce me Edward." I rolled my eyes.

"Then what did I do?"

I almost laughed out loud, he actually sounded confused, the poor boy. "Honestly, once I realized you were interested and I made up my mind that I wanted to, it's not like you had to 'convince me'."

"Hmm, all that build up for nothing then, huh?" he joked.

"I didn't say that."

"I know, I'm teasing. Honestly, if I'd known it was your first time I would have gone slower. I can't believe you didn't tell me," he chastised me.

"Yeah, I probably should have." I shrugged. "But there's nothing we can do about it now."

"I know. I'm curious though, how much had you done before?" he asked.

I really did not want to answer his question but I couldn't see any way out of it…I sighed.

"Honestly, not that much. I'd made out with a few people, that's about it."

"Bella! If I'd known I would have taken it slower, we could have worked up to it," he scolded me.

 _Who knew Edward was such a worrywart?_ I thought. "Like I said, no regrets, I like the way it happened."

"Good. I liked it too. Although now I'm kicking myself that I didn't try anything sooner," he purred into the phone.

"Whatever. Rosalie would have eviscerated both of us anyway." I paused when a thought occurred to me. "You know what's really weird? Rosie was my first kiss actually. There has to be a certain amount of irony there." There was silence on the other end of the line. "Edward, you still there?"

He cleared his throat. "Yeah. Just picturing that. How exactly did that happen?"

"Oh, just a dare at a party when we were fifteen. It was nice."

"So are you…?" his voice trailed off.

"Into girls too?" I asked. "I guess. I dunno, I've kissed a few and it's been fun, but it's never gone further than that so I can't really say for sure."

"Wow, um..."

I was amused that I was making Edward speechless, I wasn't sure it had ever happened before. "Settle down there boy, you're driving remember. You need to be able to focus on the road and hold your phone."

He laughed. "Well I have a Bluetooth headset, so I have at least one hand to drive."

"One hand…?" I paused, "Damn it Edward, you're such a perv."

"That's why you want in my pants so bad."

"In your dreams."

He chuckled. "No joke."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I've been dreaming about you the past couple of nights." His voice dropped a little lower.

I snorted. "Sure you have."

"I'm serious." He sounded hurt, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, actually."

"I'm sure you have plenty of other girls to fantasize over," I teased him.

"Why would I want to fantasize about anyone else when I could be dreaming about you?"

"Uhh." I didn't know what else to say. The thought of him fantasizing about me was incredibly flattering, and if I was being honest, a huge turn on.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" he asked.

"Maybe a little, but not in the way you think." I chuckled.

"Care to elaborate?" he asked, sounding puzzled.

"Well, thinking about the other night is kind of having an effect on me too." I couldn't believe I was flirting with him like that, but apparently Edward was a bad influence.

"Damn Bella. Me too. I was joking earlier actually, but now…well let's just say that driving is getting a little dangerous. Not to mention the fact that if I don't calm down it's going to be a little awkward when I get out of the car."

"Where are you going anyway?" I asked. I heard Charlie pull into the driveway and I stood up and turned on my music and shut my door.

"Kate's place. She's in the music program with me and we have a project due Monday." He sounded less than enthusiastic.

"Well, I'm sure she'd be more than willing to help you out," I teased him.

"Ugh, do you think that little of me Bella?" he asked. "I wouldn't get all worked up over you and then have some other girl get me off. That's just…awful."

I laughed uncomfortably. "I was just teasing."

"Seriously though, I think you kind of have the wrong idea about me. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but I don't just jump everything in a skirt. I flirt a lot, but I've probably slept with a lot fewer girls than you think."

"Sorry. I wasn't trying to be nasty about it."

"No it's ok. I know why you'd probably think it, but I hate to have you think I'm that bad." He laughed. "Besides, Kate is a lesbian and she has a girlfriend she's really happy with."

"That does put a damper on things."

"Of course having standards causes problems. It means that if I'm all worked up over you…you're the one who has to help me out."

"I wish I could." I sighed. I wasn't teasing him I did want him. Badly. "I just can't, not until things get straightened out with Rosie, and as big of a mess as it is, that might not ever happen. If she gets over it and forgives me, we can't exactly go out and do it again, because then we'll be right back where we started."

"Damn it, I know. I'm not trying to cause trouble between you two. I'm sorry."

"I know you aren't. But she and I have been friends since Kindergarten; I can't just throw that out the window."

"I wouldn't want you to. Even I know I'm not worth that." He snorted.

"Glad to hear it. I don't know, I am going to give Rosalie another week or two, and then I want to talk to her about it again. Hopefully she will have calmed down a little by then."

"I hope so too. And I'm serious, if you can think of anything else that I can do that will make the situation better and not worse, please tell me. I don't like that you guys are fighting because of me. It just makes me feel shitty."

"Thanks Edward."

"You're welcome. Look, I'm almost to Kate's place. I'll talk to you tonight, k?"

"Sure. Catch you later."

"Bye Bella."

I sat there staring at my phone once the call was over. I wasn't sure what to think about the conversation. I was glad that there wasn't any awkwardness between the two of us. That would have been more than I could deal with right now. But several things he'd said confused the hell out of me. I called Alice.

"Hey, Shortie," I said when she answered the phone.

"Bella!"

"Dial it down a couple of notches alright, you're destroying my eardrums," I joked.

"Sorry." She giggled, "So what's up?"

"I just finished talking to Edward."

"Oh good, how did it go? I hope you don't mind that I gave him your IM name."

"No, it's fine. Actually we talked on the phone for a while too."

"Oh." Alice sounded surprised. "Well that's good."

"So have you heard that Rosie's just pissed at me, and not him?"

Alice growled. "Damn that girl."

"I know. It's ridiculous. What the hell is going on? I thought she was over him."

"Yeah I did too." Alice sighed. "She certainly had moved on to other guys since. And it's not like she had any claim on him. Let me talk to her about it, I'll see what I can find out."

"So she is still talking to you?" I asked her.

"Yeah."

"Good, I'm glad. I'd hate to have my mess come between the two of you also." I sighed and rubbed my forehead. The whole situation was making my head hurt and I hadn't really slept well since her party.

"Yeah, I told her I was Switzerland. I wasn't taking sides, I just want to help you guys get this straightened out," she said.

"That's good. Look Al, can I talk to you about something else?"

"Of course, you know you can talk to me about anything. What's up?"

I hesitated. "Well, I'm sort of conflicted about the whole Edward thing. I accidentally let it slip that he was my first and his reaction kind of surprised me. He sounded really worried that it hadn't been good and he was sort of annoyed that I hadn't told him."

"Well, I can kind of understand that," she said.

"What do you mean? I asked, curious.

"Well, come on, any decent guy would want to make sure you're totally ready for it, so to speak. And make sure that you definitely want to do it."

"Well, but he did that anyway. We'd fooled around for a couple of hours before; trust me I was ready for it. And he did make sure I wanted to, just before."

"That's good. There can be kind of an emotional connection though and especially for the first time, and it probably made him a little nervous. He was expecting that you had experience with it and would totally know what you were getting into."

"That makes sense, I didn't really think of that. You know what the weird part is though? He was the one who kept bringing up how worried he was about it, and he kept trying to make sure I knew he wasn't a total slut."

Alice laughed. "He's a good guy, Bella. I think maybe our idea of him was a little exaggerated."

"That's funny, that's what he told me too. You really think so?"

"Well, I'm not saying that he hasn't been a bit of a player, but I think some of it's just that he's such a flirt all the time. He doesn't actually have a whole harem of women at his beck and call."

"Interesting," I said, mulling that idea over. "Well, either way, it's not like anything's going to happen again between us again. It would just piss Rosalie off even more."

"True," Alice said thoughtfully, "are you disappointed?'

"Well yeah," I admitted. "We had a lot of fun, and I'm sure it would be if we hooked up again but it's not worth the complications."

"Well, maybe Rosalie will get over it, and you guys can have a chance."

"Maybe." I was doubtful. "And maybe Edward will become a monk. Who knows?"

Alice burst out laughing. "Edward a monk. Right."

"On that note…I should get going. Charlie and I are probably leaving soon, we're headed over to the res to see the Black's tonight."

"Mmm, Jacob," Alice said.

I laughed. "You have Jasper, no stealing my friend Jacob too."

"But he's so hot. All those muscles and the dark eyes and hair, yum. If I were single I'd be doing bad bad things to that boy."

"Alice!" I scolded her.

"Well I would. And you should, since you can actually take advantage of being single."

"Don't you think I have enough boy complications?"

She laughed. "True. But he'd be uncomplicated. I know Rosalie hasn't slept with him.

Besides, what are you going to do, go back to being celibate?"

"No, but not Jacob…that's just weird Alice, Jacob and I are just friends."

"You and Edward were just friends too…think about it." And she hung up.

"Damn her," I muttered to myself. Alice was such a nuisance sometimes. Now I couldn't stop thinking about Jacob…things were going to be awkward that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What do you think of her conversation with Edward?
> 
> -Were you surprised at his reaction to her being a virgin?


	9. Not Myself

**Chapter Nine: Not Myself**

Suppose I said

I am on my best behavior

there are times

I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said

Colors change for no good reason

words will go

From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?

Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around, come around

I always do for you

Suppose I said

You're my saving grace?

My grace

My self

Not myself, my myself and I...

When I'm someone else

When I'm someone else

When I'm someone else

When I'm not myself

Myself

Myself

\- "Not Myself" by John Mayer

* * *

When he saw me, Jacob broke into a wide grin and he gave me a huge hug, picking me up off the ground. "Hiya Bells."

"Hey Jacob," I grunted. He had a tendency to hug me so hard I stopped breathing. Between him and Emmett I was going to end up with a broken rib someday. I looked up at him when he set me down, thinking about what Alice had said earlier. He was cute. Very cute. And if we hadn't known each other our whole lives, maybe I'd want to date him. But to me…he was just two-years-younger-crazy-little-brother Jacob. He didn't make me weak in the knees when he smiled at me.

"How are you?" he asked. I glanced over at Billy and Charlie, engrossed in their game already.

"I've been better. Look, can we go for a walk or something? I'll tell you more about it then."

His eyes followed mine. "Sure, no prob." We walked in silence for a while, it was lightly raining and the warm rain felt good on my skin.

"So what's going on?" he asked.

"My life is just a huge mess right now." I sighed. "At Rosalie's graduation party…I kind of hooked up with a guy."

I glanced up at Jacob and he had an odd look on his face. "Who?

"Edward Cullen."

"The guy from Port Angeles that Rosalie was seeing?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm. That's interesting. I didn't realize you were seeing him now."

"I'm not. It was sort of a random thing…totally unplanned. But he and I have been friends for a while now…and it was good."

"Hmm, ok. So what's the problem?"

"Rosalie's pissed at me because she and Edward used to have a…thing. But they broke it off a long time ago and for some reason she's freaking out about it. I don't know."

"That sucks." Jacob looked uncomfortable. "Look Bella, I have to admit, I kind of knew."

"Knew what?"

"Knew what had happened at the party. It's kind of all over town and the res."

"Fuck," I swore. "This just keeps getting worse. Who told you?"

"Leah."

"Leah Clearwater?"

"Yeah."

"How the hell does she know?"

"I don't know."

I sat down heavily on a nearby log. "This is ridiculous. Why is it that the one and only time I get laid it turns into a friggin' soap opera?"

"Easy, Bella." Jacob sat down next to me and patted my arm. "It'll be ok."

I sighed. "I just don't want to deal with this crap."

"I know."

"Wait. I'm confused: if you knew about what happened at the party, why were you surprised when I said it was Edward?"

"Well, the rumors weren't really specific about who you'd hooked up with. Just that you'd hooked up with someone and that you and Rosalie were fighting over the guy. And I dunno…you and Edward…that just seems weird."

"Why is that weird?"

"I dunno, he just doesn't seem like your type."

"Thanks Jacob. Glad to know you think he's out of my league."

"No, I didn't meant that Bella. If anything, you're too good for him... I thought you'd be more likely to go for a guy like Eric Yorkie."

"Yorkie? Are you serious? Eww," I said. "He may be nice…but he's…ugh. Just no."

"Sorry. I just didn't expect you to do that."

"Do what? Hook up with a guy at a party?"

"Well yeah…especially for your first time."

"Why were you even thinking about who I'd want to sleep with?" I stood up and paced. Usually talking to Jacob was relaxing, but this conversation was stressing me out.

He stood up too and pulled me close. "Because I wanted it to be me."

I reeled back, astonished. "You what?"

"I've liked you for a while Bella. As more than a friend I mean. And I guess I always thought we'd be together."

"What on earth made you think that Jacob? And when exactly were you planning on telling me about that?"

He sighed. "I don't know. I was trying to get the courage up to ask you out on a date."

"Fuck. No. Jacob, you're my friend and I will always love you as a friend. But I don't want us to be anything but that."

He looked hurt. "That could change Bella."

"No, it can't. And let me go Jacob." I twisted from his arms and walked away quickly, back to the house. Tears were spilling down my cheeks and I was so angry. My life was complicated enough; I didn't need Jacob making it worse.

"I'm sorry Bella," he called after me, but I ignored him.

I slammed the door as I ran into Billy's house and Charlie took one look at my face and said, "Billy, we're leaving. I may be back to hurt your son if he was the one who upset Bella like this."

He grabbed his keys and was out the door before Billy could even reply. He helped me into the car and I cried most of the way home. He let me cry in silence for a while and then he said, "Bella, what's going on?"

"I'm just having a really hard time lately," I sobbed.

"Did Jacob…hurt you?" he asked, his jaw clenched.

Through the tears I managed to laugh, "No. He was just being a jerk. We argued, but it was just dumb friend stuff. Nothing serious."

He looked relieved. "Is that what was going on the other day? When you ran in and slammed the door?"

I sighed. "No, Rosalie is mad at me. We had a fight too. This summer just sucks."

He pulled up to the front of our house and squeezed me to him in an awkward one-armed hug. "I know I'm not much good at this, but you know you can talk to me if you want to, right Bella?"

"I know." I sniffled. "I'd rather just deal with this on my own though, but thanks."

He nodded at me, and left it at that. I was grateful, Charlie meant well, but there was no way we were going to have a conversation about my sex life.

When we got home from the Black's house, I took a long hot shower and by the time I got out, I felt a little bit better. I curled up on my bed and pulled out my laptop. A few minutes later a message popped up.

 **PianoGod:** Bella?

 **BookGirl:** Hey

 **PianoGod:** How are you?

 **BookGirl:** Irritated. Apparently I'm a drama magnet right now.

 **PianoGod:** What happened?

 **BookGirl:** Charlie and I just got back from dinner the Black's house.

 **PianoGod:** That's Billy and Jacob right? I think I met them at your graduation

 **BookGirl:** Yep. I've known them both my whole life.

 **PianoGod:** So what happened?

 **BookGirl:** Jacob got all weird on me. I guess he heard about what happened between us. Apparently it's all over the whole damn town and LaPush. And he flipped out.

 **PianoGod:** Flipped out about what?

 **BookGirl:** About you and I hooking up. He claims he's had this thing for me for a while and he was acting all jealous and possessive.

 **PianoGod:** And that bothered you?

 **BookGirl:** Yeah. We've always been friends, but I didn't like seeing that side of him.

 **PianoGod:** So I take it you're not interested in him then?

 **BookGirl:** Definitely not. I don't think of him as anything but a friend or younger brother

 **PianoGod:** Hmm, yeah that's complicated.

 **BookGirl:** I know.

We were both silent for a while. I wasn't sure what to say to him but I was feeling lonely and I didn't want the conversation to end. Frankly, I was enjoying the distraction.

 **BookGirl:** So what's up with the screen name? I've been meaning to ask you.

 **PianoGod:** Well, isn't it obvious? You know I play piano and write music…and the rest of it should be fairly self-explanatory…

 **BookGirl:** Ha

 **PianoGod:** Well it could be worse. I could have come up with one based on my other skills. ;) I know you remember those.

 **BookGirl:** You're incorrigible

 **PianoGod:** I know. Good thing I'm cute enough to get away with it.

 **BookGirl:** Sure, that's it

 **BookGirl:** So how did the project go the other day?

 **PianoGod:** Eh, alright. We're done, which is good. I was about to start tearing my hair out

 **BookGirl:** Well we wouldn't want that. It's too pretty.

 **PianoGod:** I know it's my "one beauty"

 **BookGirl:** You're not quoting "Little Women" to me, are you?

 **PianoGod:** I have to admit, I am. It's my mom's fault. She thought I needed a well-rounded education. And that included reading girl books.

 **BookGirl:** That's too funny. So, did you like the book?

 **PianoGod:** It wasn't that bad actually, although at the time I was convinced she was trying to torture me. Jo was an alright character, kind of spunky. Reminds me of you a little actually

 **BookGirl:** …I gotta admit, I'm speechless

 **PianoGod:** Good or bad?

 **BookGirl:** Good, just surprised. You're not just a pretty face and dynamite in the sack then, huh?

 **PianoGod:** Nope, I'm even literate, at least in children's literature.

 **BookGirl:** *laughs*

 **PianoGod:** Actually, when I have the time, I love to read. And no, not always stories written for 8 year old girls

 **BookGirl:** That's good, or I'd be a little concerned, so do you have a favorite?

 **PianoGod:** Other than Little Women? Hmm, that's tough…probably "Fahrenheit 451" or "The Turn of the Screw"

 **BookGirl:** Hey that must have been your copy of "The Turn of the Screw" I was reading the night we all met! How funny.

 **PianoGod:** That's pretty sad that you were so bored you were reading. Wasn't Jasper entertaining you?

 **BookGirl:** Eh, he got distracted by Alice and you and Rosie were screwing upstairs.

 **PianoGod:** God, that night was such a mess. I'm still pissed at James.

 **BookGirl:** I'm just glad it wasn't more serious.

 **PianoGod:** Me too. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but I'm really starting to wish that it had been you instead of Rose that night

 **BookGirl:** Oh

 **PianoGod:** Oh? What does oh mean?

 **BookGirl:** I dunno, just not sure how to respond I guess. That certainly would have solved a lot of our problems now I guess. But it never would have happened.

 **PianoGod:** What do you mean?

 **BookGirl:** Well, I'd just met you, I definitely wouldn't have hopped right in bed with you

 **PianoGod:** Oh, I didn't mean that actually. I would have been ok with just hanging out with you

 **BookGirl:** Are you saying you wouldn't have even tried?

 **PianoGod:** Well, I wouldn't go that far

 **BookGirl:** At least you're honest.

 **PianoGod:** It's not like I slept with Rosalie that night anyway.

 **BookGirl:** What?

 **PianoGod:** Well, we didn't have sex that night.

 **BookGirl:** She sure made it sound like you did.

 **PianoGod:** Nope. We fooled around, but no sex.

 **BookGirl:** Hmm.

 **PianoGod:** Did she tell you we did?

 **BookGirl:** I guess not in so many words, but she implied it. That's strange.

 **PianoGod:** Yeah, it is.

 **BookGirl:** *sighs* I've given up on trying to understand her.

 **PianoGod:** I'm so sorry Bella.

 **BookGirl:** It's not your fault. Really.

 **PianoGod:** I'm just so conflicted right now. A big part of me hates that I created problems for you guys. And then I feel like a jackass cause I still want you so bad.

 **PianoGod:** I'm actually trying very hard to behave but some days it's awfully difficult.

 **BookGirl:** Hmm, I'm not sure I'd want to see what you're like when you misbehave

 **PianoGod:** *grins* I think you'd enjoy it

 **BookGirl:** Awfully sure of yourself, aren't you?

 **PianoGod:** Just sure that we had incredibly good chemistry

 **BookGirl:** True

 **PianoGod:** I just wish we'd had more time together

 **BookGirl:** Yeah, me too.

 **PianoGod:** It's driving me crazy. I had a dream about your lips wrapped around me the other night...

 **BookGirl:** Are you talking dirty to me now Edward?

 **PianoGod:** Maybe?

 **BookGirl:** I'm afraid that would be another first for me though.

 **PianoGod:** Talking dirty?

 **BookGirl:** Well yeah, but that wasn't what I meant

 **PianoGod** You've never given a guy a blow job…?

 **BookGirl:** I told you I hadn't done much

 **PianoGod:** Why didn't you tell me? Well if you'd ever like a lesson, I'd be happy to oblige. I'm a very good teacher

 **BookGirl:** *laughs* I'm sure you would be. I'll keep that in mind

 **PianoGod:** Just to be helpful of course, I'm sure any future guy you date would appreciate it

 **BookGirl:** Mmm, no doubt

 **PianoGod:** What can I say? I'm very generous

 **BookGirl:** So I've noticed

 **PianoGod:** I'll shut up now, I need to stop bugging you

 **BookGirl:** You're fine

 **PianoGod:** Well, I don't want to push, I know we can't hook up again

 **BookGirl:** You just want me because you can't have me

 **PianoGod** I'll admit I like a little bit of a challenge, but no, that's not it. Hey, can I talk to you about something though?

 **BookGirl:** Sure. What is it?

 **PianoGod:** Well, this is kind of awkward…and I'm not quite sure what to say…

 **BookGirl:** Look, you don't have to say anything Edward. I know you just wanted to keep this casual, I get that

 **PianoGod:** What?

 **BookGirl:** I thought you were going to say that you wanted to make sure I knew you weren't interested in anything serious with me. Not that it matters anyway, because of the drama with Rosalie…

 **PianoGod:** Uh, no, that's not what I was going to say at all.

 **BookGirl:** Oh, well…I feel idiotic now.

 **PianoGod:** Don't.

 **PianoGod:** I do need to get this out though…I want to apologize for the other night

 **BookGirl:** What exactly are you apologizing for?

 **PianoGod:** I really wasn't careful the way I normally am. I…I shouldn't have even considered not using a condom. I don't know what happened…I normally would never do that. I've never done that in the past. I guess I just kind of got caught up in the moment.

 **BookGirl:** It's alright

 **PianoGod:** I just feel like a jackass. I want you to know that you wouldn't have had anything to worry about though. I'm normally very careful, and I get tested and everything…I'm clean.

I felt my face heat up. God this was an embarrassing conversation. But I was kind of relieved that he had brought it up. And grateful that he couldn't see my face right now.

 **BookGirl:** Oh. Well that's good and obviously I am too. Since you're the only person I've been with.

 **PianoGod:** Of course. Look…if we ever did have a chance to be together again, I swear I'd be more careful.

 **BookGirl:** It's alright Edward, you don't have to keep apologizing. I'm not upset.

 **PianoGod:** I'm glad, I just didn't want you to have to worry about it.

 **BookGirl:** Thanks.

 **BookGirl:** So I talked to Alice today about the situation

 **PianoGod:** What did she have to say?

 **BookGirl:** That she's doing her best to be neutral, but she'll try to talk to Rosalie about it. See what exactly about it is pissing her off so much

 **PianoGod:** Yeah, that's the part I don't get. We hooked up for a few months, agreed to keep it casual and she seemed fine with it. But all of a sudden she got kind of weird about it, started pushing for us to spend more time together and started getting kind of clingy…so I ended it

 **BookGirl:** Yeah, she told me that you guys had agreed to do that right from the beginning

 **PianoGod:** Exactly. And when I brought it up she just sort of laughed it off and she seemed completely fine with it ending

 **BookGirl:** Wait, so you were the one who ended it?

 **PianoGod:** Yeah, why?

 **BookGirl:** Well, she said it was mutual

 **PianoGod:** I guess it was, I was the one who actually said "look Rose, this isn't working out, I think we should end things" but she sounded like she agreed, so yeah, I guess you could say it was mutual

 **BookGirl:** I'm just kind of concerned that she's hadn't been telling me what was really going on with her. I never had any reason to think I couldn't trust her before...

 **PianoGod:** I'm sorry

 **BookGirl:** Ugh, I am just so damn frustrated. This whole thing is ridiculous. Did you know she was up in her room all night with Josh the night of the party too?

 **PianoGod:** Seriously? What the hell right does she have to be pissed then?

 **BookGirl:** I know. It's driving me crazy. I think I need to talk about something else, I'm already getting a headache.

 **PianoGod:** Sorry. I'd offer to help you out with that, but that's rather difficult from here

 **PianoGod:** And before you jump to conclusions all I mean is a friendly shoulder massage, nothing else

 **BookGirl:** That sounds nice actually

 **PianoGod:** Want me to drive over?

 **BookGirl:** Seriously? It's like a two hour drive

 **PianoGod:** Seriously

 **BookGirl:** Tempting. But no, that could get a little scary

 **PianoGod:** Eh, I could take Rosie

 **BookGirl:** I meant Charlie

 **PianoGod:** Him I'm actually afraid of, it's the whole gun and badge thing

 **BookGirl:** Good call. Thanks for the offer, I appreciate it. I do need to go to bed now though, I'm exhausted. I haven't really been sleeping that well lately.

 **PianoGod:** Ok. I hope you sleep better tonight

 **BookGirl:** Thanks, night Edward

 **PianoGod:** Night Bella

Obviously I wasn't having sex with Edward, but I hoped at some point I would have sex with someone again. I needed to get on birth control because the idea of getting pregnant scared the shit out of me. I'd learned Renee and Charlie's lesson all too well. Getting pregnant at eighteen was hardly a mistake I wanted to repeat. Luckily, I was due for my annual checkup fairly soon anyway so I told Charlie that I was going to make an appointment. I told him I wanted to get it out of the way before school started. He merely nodded and said that it sounded like a good plan. He told me to let him know if any of it wasn't covered by his insurance and that he'd take care of it.

I was grateful that my family doctor was also a gynecologist and that I felt comfortable with her. Laying on the crinkly paper with my legs in the air while she inspected my neither regions was awkward enough. I answered her questions and tried not to blush.

"Yes. I have had sex."

"No, I am not currently sexually active."

"Yes, we did use a condom."

After I was dressed again she handed me the script for the birth control pills and said, "I can write this up as being prescribed to regulate your menstrual cycle, and here is some information on that."

She practically winked at me as she handed it to me with a smile and I was incredibly grateful. She, like everyone else in this town, knew Charlie and that it would be easier on both of us if I could tell him it's for health reasons. Plus, apparently the insurance would pay for a large percentage of it that way. I thanked her profusely and went to the pharmacy to get the script filled. Charlie turned a little red when I handed him the pamphlet from the doctor but he didn't ask any further questions and I was grateful. I started taking the pill immediately despite the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to have sex with Edward, and there was no one else in this miserable little town who interested me. But at least I knew I'd be prepared.

I tried to call Rosalie several times, but she hung up on me every time. Eventually, in desperation, I sent her a letter telling her how sorry I was that I had hurt her and promising that it had not been intentional. I was still angry with her, I thought she was being unreasonable. But I wasn't willing to lose the friend I'd had for nearly 13 years and if it meant apologizing and not expecting one from her in return, I'd do it. But there was no reply to the letter. It hadn't been returned in the mail so I could only assume that she had received it. I would probably never know if she read it or tossed it immediately into the trash can but at least I knew I had done my best.

The worst part was, I was lonely. Alice was on vacation with her parents. I felt awkward around Jasper and Emmett all of a sudden so I didn't make any trips into Port Angeles to see them. I wasn't really sure what Emmett thought of me, since I'd obviously hurt Rosalie and I couldn't bring myself to face him if he was upset at me. Alice had assured me before she left that Jasper wasn't upset with me, but I still felt weird going to the guys' house by myself. Angela was the only person from school that I still wanted to spend time with and she was gone at camp. I finally broke down and asked Charlie if I could get a job. He looked surprised but I think he knew that moping around the house all day for several months wasn't quite the vacation either of us had imagined for me. I got a part time job at the library shelving books and it was enough to keep me going. I buried myself in the Dewey Decimal System and ignored the people I worked with. Edward had become my lifeline. It was easy to talk with him. Even if we couldn't have sex again, we had a connection and it made me feel less isolated. Everything with Edward was simple. Despite the chaos all around us, when it was just the two of us on the phone the outside world retreated.

We talked about everything. At first it was just meaningless conversations about our day or music or movies. But gradually it grew deeper, I told him how I felt about the fight with Rosalie, about my mom leaving when I was a little kid, and how lonely I was. And Edward told me how guilty he felt that he'd come between Rose and I, his fear of not succeeding as a composer, and how he'd always had a hard time opening up to people.

The Edward I'd met six months before was nothing like the one I was getting to know. All of the superficial things I'd noticed before, his looks, his attitude, they faded into the background as I started to understand what made him tick.

He was incredibly driven, and often his focus came across as aloofness. He was supremely confident about his talent, at least when it came to the band and playing music. What I'd read as arrogance at first I began to realize was a deep-seated feeling of accomplishment in his work. That's not to say he was perfect, he had occasional moments where I wanted to throw something at him when he went too far. He knew he was attractive and how to use it, so I sometimes found myself chastising him for trying to pull that with me. I just wanted him to be Edward, without all of the put on charm. The charm certainly worked, but he didn't need it. Serious, thoughtful Edward was just as appealing.

It made me nervous though, the way I grew to need the connection with him. I felt off-kilter and out of sorts when we didn't talk. I craved it. I didn't know if it was the attention, or the fact that when we talked I didn't feel so lonely, or maybe it was that he really did know just what to say to make me feel better. But we rarely went a day without talking, or texting or messaging each other. At first I was hesitant, afraid I was bothering him. But he always sounded genuinely disappointed when he didn't hear from me, and often was the one to initiate contact. I was surprised, and rather flattered that apparently the need to talk was mutual.

The little hints that Jasper and Emmett had dropped about how much Edward and I had in common had turned out to be very accurate. We shared similar tastes in music and books and movies, although they were just different enough to make things interesting. We had several heated debates about topics we differed on. He was a fan of Pearl Jam and while I could respect them as musicians, I loathed listening to them. I loved Chuck Palahnuik books and he thought they were overrated. He failed to see the genius that was _Eight Legged Freaks_ and I just didn't see why he enjoyed _The Godfather_ so much. But it was easy with him, and it was fun. Having grown up with Alice and Rose, I had rarely needed to make new friends. It didn't in any way diminish my friendship with them, but what was happening with Edward was different. And not just because we had slept together. I was however grateful to realize that despite the repercussions from our actions, it had been more than worthwhile. Because of the situation we were in I got to know him really well, and he was someone I liked even better the more I got to know him.

He had seemed so unattainable at first, I'd been a little dazzled by his looks, and intimidated by his charm, but now that I knew him I realized how much I genuinely liked him as a person. If I'd been interested in dating someone, and if he'd been interested in a relationship, I might have wanted to give it a shot. But even our friendship was clouded with the knowledge that Rosalie would be angry if she knew we were still talking. I wondered though, if push came to shove, would I be able to give up my friendship with Edward?

Most nights our conversations lasted until the wee hours of the morning. His was the last voice I heard before I fell asleep and invariably I woke up to a dream about him. Many I couldn't remember the details of, and most that I could remember were mundane. But some…some were entirely different. One night I woke up gasping while it was still dark out. I had dreamed of Edward and I together. It was surreal, like a scene from an old silent film. I was sprawled on a bed, dressed in deep green velvet and Edward loomed over me, his eyes dark with lust and a predatory hunger. He bent down, not to kiss me but to drink my blood. His teeth pierced the skin of my neck, sinking in smoothly, silently. He drank and it was excruciatingly, painfully pleasurable. I could feel the pull from his mouth and feel his hands gripping me. I shuddered and gasped awake. I clicked on the light beside the bed, trying to dispel the shadows of the dream but was still clear in my mind and my heart raced. I pulled the covers close around me and took a few deep breaths to calm myself. I could feel the wetness between my legs and my clit throbbed. I slid a hand between my legs to relieve the ache. I came quickly, gasping against my pillows, wordlessly calling out for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think about Edward's version of what happened with Rosalie?
> 
> Alright, am I going to have to start bribing you to review? Will you review for teasers?


	10. Bad Boyfriend

**Chapter Ten: Bad Boyfriend**

I've got a fever

Come check it and see

There's something burning and rolling in me

We may not last but we'll have fun till it ends

C'mon baby be my bad boyfriend

I wanna hear you call out my name

I wanna see you burn up in flames

Keep you on ice so I can show all my friends

C'mon baby be my bad boyfriend

So ripe so sweet come suck it and see

But watch out Daddy I sting like a bee

I know some tricks I swear will give you the bends

C'mon baby be my bad boyfriend

My fever's rising you ran into luck

Say what sugar

You wanna get what?

I'm wanna give you one hundred and ten

C'mon baby be my bad boyfriend

It's wild the way you tease me

It's wild the way you free me

It's wild the way you reach me

Wrapped me up in your wire from the start

You've got the women waiting in line

I'm not asking you to make up your mind

But I can make you happy at least now and then

I've got something special for my bad boyfriend

If you can't love me honey go on just pretend

I've saved something special for the very end

If you can't love me honey go on just pretend

C'mon baby be my bad boyfriend

-"Bad Boyfriend" by Garbage

* * *

The morning after my dream about Edward I decided I was spending far too much time worrying and I decided to take a trip into Port Angeles to go to a museum. The one upside of the summer was realizing how much I liked spending time by myself as long as I had something to do. The museum kept me occupied for most of the day and I felt better when I got home. Less jittery and anxious.

That night when I got home I told Edward about the dream and he chuckled. "Well, I promise, I don't have any deep dark secrets, particularly of the supernatural variety."

I laughed. "I kind of guessed."

"So was it a nightmare?" he asked.

"No, it didn't frighten me. Startled me, yes…but frankly it was more…erotic," I admitted.

"Hmm, interesting."

"What can I say; you make a very hot vampire."

He laughed. "Good to know. I'll keep that in mind for next Halloween."

"Yes, Edward as Dracula. That should get you all of the girls."

"At least it would get you. So would that make you Lucy or Mina?"

I laughed. "Maybe a little of both."

"The vixen and the virgin. I like it."

I laughed. "Something like that."

"So does that mean if we ever did get a chance to hook up again you'd want me to bite you?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe? What kind of answer is that?"

"A very non-committal one."

"So I noticed. You're very good at that you know."

"Being evasive?"

"Yes."

I changed the subject. "So what about you? What did you do last night after we hung up?"

He laughed. "Like I said. Evasive. And what do you think I did? The same thing I do every night after talking to you."

"Shower?" I teased.

"Well yes, but it's a question of what I did IN the shower."

"I suspect it's rather similar to what I did after I woke up from that dream," I said dryly.

He sighed. "What I wouldn't give to be sitting on the tree outside of your window for that."

"How do you know there's a tree outside my window?" I involuntarily glanced over, expecting to see him perched there watching me.

"I didn't." He chuckled. "Although I do now. I just took a wild guess. There are a lot of trees in this part of Washington you know."

"True," I admitted. "But back to your creepy stalking."

"Theoretical stalking…"

"Does that make it better?"

"Much.

"I think it just means that not only are you a perv, you're an inept one who can't actually climb the tree outside of my window to stare longingly at me. You just dream about it."

"At least I don't get off dreaming about vampires."

"Vampires are infinitely more desirable than pervy stalkers."

"What if I was a pervy stalking vampire?"

I threw my head back and laughed. "I'll have to get back to you on that one."

"So what did you do today?"

"I worked for a few hours at the library. And then I drove into Port Angeles to check out the Fine Arts Center."

"Did you go with friends?"

"No, I went by myself."

"You should have invited me, I would have gone."

"Really?"

"Yeah, definitely. It's a great place, small but they have some nice exhibitions."

"Are you sure that would have been such a good idea?"

"Because of the wrath of Rosalie?"

"Yeah.

"I dunno. Maybe not, but I would have gone anyway. It's not like I'm talking about sex. Just going to an art exhibit. Friends can do that right?"

"Aren't you the brave one?"

"All part of the vampire mystique."

"Of course."

"So you had a good time there?" he asked.

"Yeah, I did. I kind of like going to museums alone anyway. I can take as long as I want to study the pieces I really like and pass by the ones that bore me. I'm not always into all of the contemporary art, I'll admit. But I find the glass works fascinating."

"I've never seen an exhibition on glass," Edward said.

"Yeah, they had some works by Dale Chihuly."

"Who?"

I laughed. "Dale Chihuly, he's a glass sculptor originally from Tacoma I think…he does these crazy amazing pieces. He's very famous actually. You should check out some of his work. You

can google it."

"I am googling it, thank you. Wow…that is some interesting stuff. I kind of like it though."

"I know…I wouldn't have thought I'd be that interested in it, but I find it fascinating. Although

there's a lot of talk that he's become completely over commercialized now. He lost the use of one of his eyes so he can't do the work himself anymore. He just does the designs and a team does the actual glass blowing."

"I didn't realize you were that into art," Edward said.

"I love art. Not so much making it, I can't paint or draw that well, but I absolutely find it fascinating."

"Me too. I'm considering doing a study abroad for my final semester at U of W, and I really like the look of the one in Rome. I just can't imagine a better place to immerse myself in art and music."

"That would be incredible. If you're not careful I might just stow away in your suitcase," I teased him.

He laughed. "Sounds good. Do you think it would still count with Rosalie if we were in another continent?"

"Probably, but nice attempt at finding the loopholes."

"I do try."

"I have to say I'm very surprised. I would have thought you would have just moved on by now." I was joking, or at least sort of joking. I was continually surprised that Edward bothered to talk to me when he wasn't really getting a whole lot out of it.

"You obviously don't think very highly of me, do you?"

"It's not that," I said defensively. "I just can't fathom why you bother with me."

He made a disapproving noise. "You really need your head examined, you know that? You're gorgeous and smart and funny and very memorable in bed. I'd have to be an idiot not to."

I wasn't sure what to say. Compliments from Edward made me vaguely uncomfortable. "Well thank you," I finally managed.

I think he sensed that I was uncomfortable because he changed the subject. "Hey, it looks like there are a bunch of Dale Chihuly works at the Seattle Art Museum too. We should go sometime."

"Sure. That would be nice," I said, surprised. Edward never quite said what I expected him to. He continually surprised me, just one of them many reasons I found him so fascinating.

Every time Edward and I talked we flirted a little bit more, and it got harder and harder for me to remember why I wasn't sleeping with him. Several times I nearly caved and I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling him that I wanted him. But a random memory of Rosalie would surface and the pain of losing her would remind me. I felt guilty. Even talking to him felt like a betrayal. But I couldn't seem to stop myself. As our conversations got more and more flirtatious, I found myself dreaming about him more frequently. One night when we talked it crossed the line past just being flirtatious.

"God Bella, I just want to touch you, taste you..." he sighed.

"I want that too, but you know it's a bad idea..."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry." He sighed. "Look, how do you feel about it, if we just kept it over the phone?"

"You want to have phone sex?" I asked, surprised.

"Uh, yeah," he admitted. "I'm going crazy here."

I bit my lip. "Um, hmmm, I've never done it before."

"How about for now you just listen? Touch yourself while I do the talking, and if you feel comfortable with it, you can join in."

"Alright." I shifted nervously on the bed, a little apprehensive, but still turned on by the idea.

"Just tell me to stop if you aren't ok with it."

"Ok."

"What are you wearing?"

I stifled a laugh, it seemed so cliché. "Boyshorts and a tank top."

"Mmm, I bet you look gorgeous. First I want you to get comfortable."

I shifted a little until I was lying on my back.

"Ok."'

"Touch your breasts. Gently at first, over top of your shirt." I let my fingers slide across the roundness there. "Is that good?"

"Yes." I breathed.

"Now under your shirt. Touch your bare skin."

"Mmm," I murmured.

"Are your nipples hard?" I brushed my fingers across them and they tightened into sensitive points.

"Yes."

"I want to taste them, run my tongue across them, feel them tighten in my mouth."

"Uhh," I moaned.

"Wet your fingers and touch them."

I licked my fingers and dragged them over my hard nipples. "That feels so good."

"Take your other hand and slide it down between your legs. Touch yourself over the fabric. Are you wet?

"Yes." My voice was breathy and uneven.

"Rub your clit for me."

"I'm so turned on Edward," I gasped.

"Me too, I'm so hard thinking about you touching yourself. Do you want more?"

"Yes. Please."

"Now touch yourself under the shorts, feel how wet you are."

"I can feel it down my thighs." I moaned.

"God, I wish I could taste it, lick it off of your thighs, all the way up to your pussy. You taste so good Bella."

"Fuck," I gasped, my fingers sliding faster across my aching skin.

"Tell me what you're doing." His voice was starting to sound strained.

"Playing with my clit. A finger on either side of it, sliding back and forth."

"I wish I could see. I want you to put your finger inside. Just one at first."

"Ooohh."

"Does that feel good?"

"Yes. Not as good as your fingers though."

"God, I know. I'm stroking my cock and I want it to be you."

"Fuck that's hot."

"Add another finger."

"Uunh. I'm getting close, Edward."

"Add a third finger. How does it feel?"

"Full. But I want your cock instead," I gasped.

"I know, I want to feel you wrapped around me. Your tight wet heat moving on me. Shit I'm getting close too."

"I want to hear you come," I begged.

"I want to hear you too. Please Bella, come for me. Fuck yourself harder."

"Shit, I'm coming, Edward...oooh god...yes." I whimpered as I came.

"I am too." He groaned loudly. "Wow."

"Yeah." I was still a little stunned at how hard I had come.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, definitely."

"Good. I just wanted to make sure you weren't uncomfortable."

"No, that was pretty hot," I admitted.

"I agree. There's only one thing that would make it hotter."

"What's that?"

"If I had a photo of you to stare at."

I laughed. "A nude photo?"

"Well, I was just thinking you in lingerie, but hell yeah...I wouldn't turn down a nude photo of you, that's for sure."

"Hmm."

"Is that a 'hmm, you're creeping me out?' or a 'hmm, I'm considering it'?"

"It's a 'hmm, I'm considering it'."

"God." He moaned. "You are officially the perfect girl."

"Hey, I didn't say I'd definitely do it."

"Shit, just the fact that you're considering it is hot as hell."

"So would I get one in return?"

"You want one of me?"

"Well, I wouldn't mind a little inspiration too."

"See. You're perfect. Also, you just made me hard again. Damn it."

"Why damn it?"

"We have a show tonight and I need to head out in a few minutes."

I laughed. "Poor boy."

"I know. I guess I'll say goodbye and go take a cold shower."

"Think about me while you're in it."

"Tease."

"You like it."

"Damn it, I really do. Night, beautiful."

"Night, Edward."

I hung up and tossed the phone on my bed. I was seriously contemplating doing the photos. I knew I shouldn't, it was one step too close to having sex with him again. I really shouldn't have even agreed to the phone sex, but I had to admit it had been very satisfying. I went over to the dresser and rummaged through it. I had some white lacy boy shorts and a camisole I could wear. And a gray cotton sleepshirt. It was simple, just spaghetti straps and a scoop neck, hitting me at mid thigh, but I had a feeling he'd like it. I put it on first and re-made my bed. I sat on it, propped against the headboard, my legs tucked to the side. I could see myself in the mirror on the dresser and spent a few moments playing with possible poses. I sat the camera on the dresser and set the timer. I posed and took a handful of photos. I scrolled through them, curious to see how they'd turned out. They weren't bad, although I looked kind of washed out by the flash. I wrapped myself in a robe and went into the bathroom to grab my makeup. A little blush and mascara, and a swipe of lipstick was enough to make a difference and I tried the photos again. They were actually pretty hot I had to admit.

Next I put on the white lace and tried a few more poses, this time a little more seductive. The best was one of me lying on my stomach facing the camera, the curve of my ass in the lace just barely visible above the dark of my hair. Feeling brave, I took my clothing off, and did I few nude photos. Nothing graphic, more suggestive than anything. In one I stood with my back to the camera, arm covering my breasts, turned partially to peer over my shoulder. In the second I was laying on my bed on my stomach, the sheets pulled up to my waist, my back bare as I lay diagonally across the bed, the curve of my breast visible from the side. My favorite was the last. I was on the bed facing the camera, with sheet wrapped around me, my bare shoulders and legs visible. My hair tumbled around my shoulders and I looked freshly fucked. Damn. I was turning myself on just looking at them. I spent a while playing with them on the computer, trying them out in sepia and black and white, but I ended up sticking with color. I liked the contrast between the lavender sheets, plum comforter and the pale expanse of my skin.

I emailed the best of them to Edward and forced myself to go to sleep. Otherwise I'd be up all night waiting for his response, which would be nerve-wracking. I didn't sleep well, dreaming of Edward in my room, staring down at me while I slept, desire written plainly on his face.

In the morning I lunged for my computer the moment I woke up, tapping my finger impatiently on the keyboard as I waited for it to boot up. I grinned when I saw a new email from Edward and hurriedly opened it. It was short.

To: Bella Swan

From: Edward Cullen

Subject: Dead

Bella,

I was right you are the perfect woman. You look amazing. I am speechless. Thank you from the bottom of my...um...heart.

-Edward

I typed out a quick reply.

To: Edward Cullen

From: Bella Swan

Subject: Re: Dead

Edward,

Glad you liked them, I was a little nervous. So where are my pictures?

-Bella

I put away my computer, grateful that I had work that day to take my mind off things. Normally I only worked a four hour shift but one of the older women who worked there needed to take some time off so I'd offered to pick up her shift. I spent most of the day in a daze, suddenly grateful to have a job that didn't require much concentration. I was distracted by thoughts of Edward. I couldn't get the sound of his voice purring in my ear as he made me climax out of my head. I felt my nipples harden and I blushed, realizing that the gardening section of the library wasn't the best place to be fantasizing. That didn't stop me three hours later when I was shelving romance novels and I pictured a shirtless Edward in place of the Fabio-wannabes on the covers. I wondered if he actually would send me photos of himself. I was grateful when I moved on to the children's section. _Home for a Bunny_ and _Marvin K. Mooney Will You Please Go Home_ kept the lustful thoughts at bay and the day was over before I knew it. I purposefully dawdled as I drove home, stopping to get gas, and buy an unnecessary gallon of milk at the store. I refused to let myself check my computer until I'd marinated and grilled pork chops for dinner and Charlie and I had eaten. After, I practically flew to my room to check for an email from Edward.

To: Bella Swan

From: Edward Cullen

Subject: Hopeful

Bella,

Don't worry, I hadn't forgotten about the pictures for you. Hope you like them as much as I liked yours.

-Edward

p.s. It was nearly impossible to focus in class today. I hope you know I spent the whole time thinking about your photos. I think the guy sitting next to me thinks I am really turned on by him. Hope you don't mind a little competition. ;)

I laughed and clicked on the attachments. I nearly dropped the laptop when I saw the first one. It was Edward, wearing a pair of faded loose jeans that hung low from his hips and no shirt. His chest was perfectly sculpted and he had a cocky grin on his face. The next was him wearing nothing but boxers, sprawled in his desk chair, with one arm up on the back. The third was him in bed, wrapped in nothing but a sheet. It reminded me of how he'd looked in Rosalie's guest bedroom just after we'd had sex and I felt myself grow damp. It was the fourth photo that nearly did me in. It was cropped so all I could see was his hand wrapped around his very erect cock and I actually moaned out loud when I saw it. Luckily, I had already closed my door, but I hastily turned on music to drown out our conversation before I called him. I couldn't wait to be at school and actually have some privacy.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"How was your day?"

He laughed. "It was good. I found myself rather distracted though. You?"

"Honestly, about the same," I admitted. "Thanks for sending the photos."

He groaned. "Oh my god Bella...I can't decide if the photos were the best idea I've ever had, or the worst."

"What do you mean?" I asked, suddenly nervous.

"I don't know how the hell I'm ever going to get anything done at any point in the next hundred years. And I think it's actually going to kill me to not touch you again."

I laughed ruefully. "Yeah, I know. I don't know how I'm going to deal with that either."

"Everything reminds me of you and the minute I think about you I get hard. It's ridiculous, is it possible to actually die from blue balls?"

"Not as far as I'm aware, but trust me, I am right there with you."

"So you liked the ones I sent you?"

"So much."

"Which was your favorite?"

"Hmm, that's tough. Probably the last two. The one in bed reminds me of the party." My voice was a little husky and suggestive sounding.

"I didn't want to let you leave. Fuck, I should have just locked us in that bedroom. I can't believe we're never going to have the chance to do this person again."

"I know. I want to though, so bad. God, the last picture of you was so hot."

"I debated if I should send it or not."

"I'm glad you did."

"I'm glad you liked it."

We talked for several hours, our mundane conversation sprinkled with innuendo and flirting. I found myself idly stroking my pussy as we spoke, not actually bringing myself to orgasm, just softly teasing myself.

I heard Edward's breathing pick up as we spoke and I teased him. "What exactly are you doing over there?"

"Stroking my cock," he admitted, almost sounding sheepish. "Looking at the photo of you."

"Which one?"

"The one of you looking over your shoulder."

"You like that one?"

"God yes. Very come hither. It makes me want to bend you over the bed."

I moaned as my fingers pressed more firmly to my clit. "Damn it."

"What, Bella?" he asked huskily.

"I want that too."

"Are you playing with your pussy?"

"Mmmhmm."

"Umm, you are amazing. How long have you been doing it?"

"Pretty much this whole time. I like hearing your voice."

He groaned. "You can't tell me stuff like that."

"Oh? Why not?"

"Because it's taking all of my willpower not to show up at your door and drag you off to the nearest bed."

"Fuck. You can't say stuff like that."

He chuckled. "This is getting ridiculous, you know?"

I tensed; afraid he was going to tell me he wanted to end things. "What do you mean?"

"I've never been this fucking turned on in my life. You're killing me."

"Trust me, I'm not doing any better." I sighed.

We finished our conversation after we both came hard, but Edward was right, the photos had been a bad idea, it was making the sexual tension between us so much worse. I wanted him, needed him, felt like I couldn't breathe without him. I'd longed for him before we'd slept together, but now that I knew how much pleasure he could give me I was going out of my mind. Every day I took a tiny step closer to saying fuck it all and telling him I didn't care about the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think of the phone sex? Was it any less of a betrayal of Rosalie than actually having sex?
> 
> -How much longer do you think Bella will be able to resist Edward? And what might change her mind about the situation?
> 
> I'm once again offering bribes, teasers to anyone who reviews!


	11. I Need to Say Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one song I'd suggest listening to, if you haven't been listening to the song suggestions all along.

**Chapter Eleven: I Need To Say Goodbye**

I know you just want to kill me

End the pain inside

I still reached out my hand to you like

An innocent child

You took me for a ride

You took me for all the other fools in your life

Now I don't care about your pain anymore

I need to say goodbye

It's easy to forget

You're worth nothing to me

What you've done to me

You took me for a ride

Now I don't care about your pain anymore

You took me for all the other fools in your life

The world is filled with sunshine, love and roses

You bleed enough and then the bleeding stops

What you've done to me

Now I don't care about your pain anymore

You took me for a ride

You took me for all the other fools in your life

I need to say goodbye

Now I don't care about your pain anymore

I don't care about your pain anymore

You took me for all the other fools in your life

-"I Need To Say Goodbye" by VAST

* * *

"I can't do this Alice." I sobbed. She wrapped her small hand around mine and squeezed. "I can't lose Rosalie."

"I think she took that decision away from you," Alice said softly. "Trust me, I'm frustrated with her too. She's being unreasonable. But I think if you give her some time she'll come around."

"But what if she doesn't?"

"Then you'll have to learn to live with it."

"I just don't understand. It never even crossed my mind that she'd be upset."

"I know."

"Maybe I should have. But fuck Alice…she was upstairs with another guy in her bed. It had been MONTHS since anything had happened with Edward. What the fuck was I supposed to think?"

A strange expression crossed Alice's face. "Look, I don't want to be nasty about this and I'm trying to understand where both of you are coming from. You know Rosalie. You know how possessive and irrational she can be about things. I think if you'd been thinking a little more clearly you might have realized that it was a possibility. Particularly at her house, during her party."

I winced. "Shit, I know. And you're right, I wasn't thinking very clearly. Edward kind of…fogged my brain."

"And now?"

"Now? There is no now. Rosalie's gone and Edward's no longer an option."

"Do you want him to be?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"In what way?"

I frowned at her, puzzled by what she meant. "I want to hook up with him again. What else is there?"

"You don't want to date him?"

"No. Edward doesn't date."

"What if he did?"

"Even if he did. I don't want a relationship. I'd be perfectly content to just fuck him. Why? Are you trying to play matchmaker?"

"I just think you two might be a better fit than you'd think."

"It has nothing to do with being a good fit. I know Edward and I get along well. Shit, we talk every night. That's not the point."

"Every night, huh?"

"Yeah, usually for an hour or two."

"Damn."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just surprised."

"Why?"

"I don't talk to Jasper that much."

"But you see him all the time."

"I know, but still…"

I shrugged. "It's not that big of a deal."

"What do you guys talk about?"

"Classes, music, books, whatever we did that day. Why?"

"I dunno, just curious."

"Alright."

"Do you think he wants to hook up again?"

I was so surprised by the question my laugh came out in a short bark. "Uh, yeah. You could say that."

"He's said that?"

"Very clearly. But I've said the same thing."

"And he's okay with it?"

"With the fact that we can't?" She nodded. "Yeah. I know he's disappointed and frustrated, but no, he's been really great about it. I think he's offered a thousand times to try to talk to Rosalie and find a way to make things right, but I don't think that's such a good idea."

She nodded. "I agree, I think it would just make things worse."

"So we're at an impasse, which sucks, majorly. I don't think I've ever been so frustrated in my life."

"I'm sure. I can't imagine what it would have been like to only have had sex with Jasper once and then have to stop."

"It's aggravating," I said dryly.

"Have you thought about doing anything about it?"

"Well, I have been taking things in my own hands, so to speak."

Alice laughed. "I didn't mean that."

"What did you mean?"

"Well, there are billions of other guys on the planet..."

"I know." I chuckled. "But I really don't think I have the energy right now to try to meet someone. Besides, who is there to meet in Forks? I just have to make it through the summer and then I'll be at school and it'll be easier."

"And do you really think any guy is going to want to get into a relationship with someone who spends every night talking to a guy she's slept with in the past?"

"Who said anything about a relationship?"

"So you just want sex?"

"No. I don't know. Maybe? But it's not black or white Alice, there is some in between. I could date several people. Non-exclusively."

She laughed. "True. I just don't tend to think of you as someone who would do that."

I shrugged. "There's only one way to find out."

"So you'd just go on dates with a bunch of people?"

I laughed. "Just because you found your soul mate at eighteen doesn't mean the rest of us will. Yes, I'd go out with a bunch of people, and then hopefully at some point along the way I'd find someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. I just don't see the point in rushing any of it. I'm not hung up on the ultimate goal. Right now, I'd pretty much kill just to get laid."

"Just consider the fact that what you have with Edward may complicate things."

"They already have. But talking to him helps."

"Well, but you have to realize most guys are going to be pretty threatened by the girl they're dating talking for a couple of hours a night to a guy she slept with before."

"He'll probably get bored with me by then anyway, especially since I'm not sleeping with him."

"Are you doing anything else?" Alice's voice was casual but I could tell that she was really curious.

"Like what?"

"I don't know, phone sex?"

"Maybe."

She rolled her eyes. "Which means yes. Are you sure that's such a good idea?"

"Of course not, but I'm fucking lonely Alice," I snapped at her.

"Oh Bella." She hugged me. "I'm sorry, I know this is hard on you. And me being with Jasper probably just makes it worse."

"Yeah, it does. I'm happy for you, but sometimes…I don't know, I need that connection. Just hearing his voice helps."

Alice got an odd look on her face, but she didn't say anything. I could tell she wanted to, and since Alice hardly ever held her tongue I was curious.

"What was that look for?"

"Nothing. I just…you two surprise me. I didn't see any of it going this way."

"Well, neither did I, but it is what it is. I can't change anything now."

"I know. Just be careful."

"I will."

I was at work a week later when I overheard two girls talking.

"So I heard Rosalie Hale left town."

The other girl laughed snidely, "Well I'm not surprised, especially with everything that happened this summer."

"Honestly, it was about time someone reminded her that she isn't the only pretty girl in Forks."

"Still, they were best friends; it's kind of weird."

"I heard the guy was absolutely gorgeous, and older."

"I never thought she'd have it in her."

"Who? Bella?"

"Yeah, she always seemed kind of quiet."

"True. She's pretty, though."

"Oh I know, just hardly the type to seduce her best friend's boyfriend."

"Does Rosalie even have boyfriends?"

"You know what I mean..."

They drifted away and I gripped the edge of the shelf to keep myself from collapsing to the floor. Not only was the town still gossiping about it, but Rose had actually left without saying goodbye. I felt my heart thud painfully in my chest and a tear slipped down my cheek. She was gone and I might never see her again. I wiped at the tears and slipped out from behind the shelves. I locked myself in the bathroom and splashed my face with cold water to try to compose myself. I managed to make it through the rest of the shift and was grateful that Charlie was oblivious to my mood that night. I went through the motions woodenly and went up to bed as early as possible. I logged on to my computer and stared at my screen blankly until I got a message from Edward.

 **PianoGod:** Hey Bella?

 **BookGirl:** Yes?

 **PianoGod:** Just wanted to see if you were there.

 **BookGirl:** More or less

 **PianoGod:** If you're busy it's no big deal. I just wanted to see how you were doing

 **BookGirl:** Honestly, I've been better

 **PianoGod:** What's going on?

 **BookGirl:** Rosalie left for NY without talking to me

 **PianoGod:** I'm so sorry Bella

 **BookGirl:** I know

 **PianoGod:** I feel awful that I came between you guys

 **BookGirl:** I know. But it wasn't your fault.

 **PianoGod:** I still feel responsible and I wish there was something I could do

 **BookGirl:** I appreciate it.

 **BookGirl:** I just thought she'd at least talk to me before she left

 **PianoGod:** Yeah, I thought she'd talk to you too

 **PianoGod:** Is there anything I can do?

 **BookGirl:** Not that I can think of

 **PianoGod:** Wine? Back massage? Shoulder to cry on?

 **BookGirl:** They all sound good right now

 **PianoGod:** I could come over

 **BookGirl:** I wouldn't recommend it. I don't think Charlie would be thrilled about that. You bringing wine for his underage daughter might not go over so well.

 **PianoGod:** Good point. You could always come over here.

 **BookGirl:** I'm not sure I'm really up for driving that much in the middle of the night. It was a nice suggestion though.

 **PianoGod:** Hmm, one more option…we could meet at the entrance to the Olympic National Forest off the 101. It's about halfway between here and Port Angeles. Maybe skip the wine but I could offer the rest.

 **BookGirl:** That is very tempting.

 **PianoGod:** I promise it'll be worth it…

 **BookGirl:** Worth sneaking out of the house for?

 **PianoGod:** Absolutely. I do have magic fingers, remember?

 **BookGirl:** Yes, I remember.

 **BookGirl:** I can't believe I'm doing this…but alright. Give me a few minutes and I'll head out. I'll call you when I get near there.

 **PianoGod:** Perfect. See you in a bit.

 **BookGirl:** k

I closed my laptop and took a deep breath. I really couldn't believe I was doing this. Charlie would murder me if he knew, but I couldn't just sit around here for another night, lonely and miserable. I wasn't completely sure what Edward expected would happen but I was going to take whatever he had to offer. I'd turned him down because of Rosie before but now that she'd left I wasn't sure I could say no again. I was still incredibly attracted to him, and I didn't feel guilty about it anymore. Rosalie had made her choice and I wasn't going to base any more of my decisions around her. I was tired of not being in control of my own life. I hurriedly dug through my dresser to find a bra and underwear set. It was black and lacy and I'd never worn it before, in fact I wasn't sure why I'd bought it in the first place, maybe it had been a gift from Alice. I slipped it on but I didn't want to look too overeager so I put on a pair of jeans and a tshirt and grabbed my shoes. I slipped quietly from my room, grateful that Charlie was a deep sleeper. I could hear him snoring two rooms away. I successfully avoided the squeaky spots on the stairs and eased open the front door. I put my shoes on once I was outside and was grateful that my truck was parked partway down the street instead of in the driveway. It had rained like crazy in the past week and the whole front yard and driveway were still nothing but mud. I started the truck up and winced at the sound it made in the quiet night. No lights came on and Charlie didn't run out of the house so I quietly drove down the street.

I chewed on my lip as I drove. It wasn't me at all. But I was tired of being me, tired of being good and trying to please people. I was angry and lonely and sad and I wanted to forget it all, even if it was just for a little while. I was nervous though. Afraid of being caught, afraid of what Edward would think, afraid that maybe he wouldn't want me still. Just generally terrified. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, trying to distract myself. I called him once I got close and just hearing his voice made me relax a little.

"Hey, I'm glad you made it."

"Me too."

"Alright, so you know where the ranger station near Fairholm is, right?"

"Yes."

"Just meet me in the parking lot there."

We talked while I drove the rest of the way and I smiled when I saw him in the parking lot, illuminated by the streetlight that he was parked under. He was leaning casually against his shiny silver car, in jeans and a tshirt, his hair disheveled as always. I sat in the truck for a moment taking a few deep breaths. I closed my eyes just for a second to calm my racing heart but when I looked up again he was gone. I jumped when the door opened.

"Sorry Bella, I didn't mean to scare you," he apologized.

"No, it's ok. I just didn't realize you were there."

He held out a hand to help me down from the truck and when our fingers brushed the panic in my chest eased. He shut the door behind me and held his arms out. I stepped forward and they wrapped around me tightly. I buried my head against his chest and breathed in his scent. Wrapped in Edward's arms all of the pain and frustration I'd been feeling for the last few months came to the surface and I started to cry. He didn't say anything, just stroked my hair and held me. Eventually the tears slowed and I started to feel embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," I said, wiping my eyes.

"Why are you sorry?"

"I just snotted all over your shirt." I pulled back to look at him but he didn't let go of me.

He shrugged. "No big deal, I told you that's what I was here for."

I laughed a little. "I appreciate it then. Apparently I needed it."

"So, why don't you lock your truck and we can head out."

"Ok. But where are we going?"

I pulled away from him to lock my truck and he took my hand when I was done. "Just a short walk. There's this place I want to show you."

"That doesn't really explain anything."

He laughed. "I know. Just trust me."

He led us over to his car and pulled a blanket out of the trunk. We took the nearby path and although it was dark out, enough light from the moon filtered through the trees. We walked in silence for a while, Edward held my hand and I followed him.

"So you aren't dragging me off into the woods to kill me and dismember me, are you?" I teased him.

He laughed. "No, I can think of much better things to do to your body."

I laughed too. "Good to know."

"No, seriously though, I just wanted to take you to this place I go to when I need to clear my mind and relax. We're almost there actually."

In a few moments the trees opened up and we were standing on the shore of the lake. There was a flat rocky area overlooking the water and the moonlight shone on it.

I gasped. "This is gorgeous."

"I thought you'd like it." Edward smiled at me. He let go of my hand long enough to shake out the blanket and lay it down on the rock. He sat down and patted the blanket beside him.

"C'mere."

I sat beside him, looking out at the water. "How did you find this place?"

"A few years ago I was having a really rough time and I needed to get away from everyone. I spent a couple of days hiking and I found this place. It's always where I go when I need to be alone and clear my mind."

"Thanks for sharing it with me."

"You're welcome. I knew you didn't want to be alone, but I thought maybe it would help you to get out here anyway."

"It's perfect."

"Why don't you sit in front of me and I can give you a massage? That was part of what I promised for tonight."

I shivered when I felt his warm hands on my back and shoulders. "That feels incredible," I said.

"Good. I want you to relax. Let your head fall forward on your knees and try to take some deep breaths. Your muscles are really tight."

"I know. It's really been bad the last few days. And I don't feel like I've slept well at all in the last couple of months."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. And it does help."

"Good. Now just be quiet for a while, don't let yourself think about what's wrong. Concentrate on nothing but relaxing."

I took a few deep breaths and it did help a little. I wasn't usually very good at clearing my mind but the feeling of his hands on my back made my mind stop racing for the first time in months. I focused on the way his hands felt, the warm breeze blowing across my skin and the earthy pine scent mingling with Edward's cologne. I sighed a little and felt myself finally start to relax.

"Good," he murmured, barely above a whisper. I lost track of time while he massaged the tight muscles. Eventually when he finished he drew me back against his chest, his arms around my shoulders. I leaned my head back against his shoulder, my eyes still closed.

"That was perfect." I could feel myself practically purring with contentment. His head tilted to kiss my temple and I sighed, finally feeling right again.

He rested his cheek against my hair and said, "mmm, you always smell so good." I smiled, but didn't say anything. He sighed a few minutes later. "I wish things weren't so complicated. I really want to be able to touch you."

"I want that too," I admitted, my heart racing a little.

"I wish we could." He shook his head. "But that's not why I brought you here, I swear. I just wanted you to relax and not worry about things for a little while. I know this has been really hard on you."

I sighed. "It has been hard. And I really appreciate that you've been there for me. I didn't expect that at all."

"It was my responsibility too, Bella. Even if Rosalie didn't think so, I was as much to blame as you were."

I nodded. "Thank you for tonight, it's exactly what I needed." I was silent for a moment. "About what you said earlier though, what if I do want you to touch me?"

I felt him start a little. "But what about…?" his voice trailed off.

"What about Rosalie? To hell with her. If she left without talking to me then we're done. I hate to have it end this way but I've done everything I can and she obviously doesn't care enough to try to fix the friendship, so I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'm not going to live my life according to her rules."

"Are you sure Bella? I don't want you to do anything that you'll regret." He let go of me and gently turned me around to face him. His face was serious and he looked worried.

"I won't." I kissed him and he hesitated for a moment and then his hands reached out to cup the back of my head.

"You have no idea how much I've been wanting that." His voice was low and a little hoarse. He kissed me again more forcefully. I felt my body begin to respond and I flushed and pressed myself closer to him. We fell back onto the blanket and I wrapped my legs around him. I was wet already. The months we'd been talking but unable to touch each other had left me perpetually turned on. He pulled off my shirt and bra quickly and lowered his lips to my breasts. He kissed around them, his lips and teeth teasing at my warm skin.

"That feels so good," I whimpered. My hips thrust up against him and I could feel his erection pressing against me. I tugged his shirt off of him and ran my hands across his smooth skin. It was warm and soft, like velvet over top of stone. I traced my nails down his stomach and he groaned.

"Unnhhh, that feels good."

"Good." I liked feeling him react to my touch. I had been somewhat hesitant our first time together but I felt bold now, and curious to explore him. His lips returned to my skin and then he sat up long enough to undo my jeans and pull them off along with my underwear.

"The black lace was incredibly hot but I want you out of them," he muttered.

"Do you like me better naked?" I teased.

"You have no idea how much," he said.

I sat up and undid his jeans, slipping my hand underneath to cup his cock through the thin material of his boxer briefs.

"Show me." I ordered and his eyebrows rose.

"You asked for it." His grin was feral and he yanked them off and pushed me onto my back again. His fingers slid between my legs into the wetness pooling there. "I can't wait any longer," he murmured, his voice thick and desperate sounding.

"Then don't. I want you Edward." I let my legs fall apart and arched into his touch but he swore and pulled back.

"Fuck, I don't have a condom with me, Bella. I think there's one in the car but I'll have to go back and get it." He glanced at me apologetically. "I really hadn't planned on this, or I would have been prepared. You must think I'm a complete jackass."

"I'm on the pill now. And I haven't been with anyone else since you."

His eyes flashed as they roamed over my naked body. "Thank god. Me either."

"Now fuck me," I begged him.

Without another moment of hesitation he thrust inside of me and I moaned. The past month and a half had been a slow burn, teasing me constantly. I was wet and ready for him. I reached up to grab a handful of his hair as I moved with him. I felt decadent and uninhibited in the warm night air, my nakedness exposed and on display. I turned off the rational side of my brain and let myself give in. I arched beneath Edward, meeting him thrust for thrust. I moaned, glad that this time I didn't have to worry about being quiet. The feeling of his skin against mine, bare instead of covered in latex, was incredible. I could feel every little ridge and vein in his cock and I shuddered against him.

"You feel so good Bella," he moaned. "I've been thinking about this constantly, I can't get you out of my head."

"Me either," I admitted. He grabbed my thigh and pulled my leg up to hook over his hip. It deepened the angle and I moaned loudly. "God, I think I'm going to come," I said.

"Good. I want to feel it."

He thrust harder into me and the muscles in my stomach clenched. My hands involuntarily went to my breasts, teasing my nipples.

"Someday I want to watch you get yourself off," he muttered and I pictured it, my hand between my thighs and his eyes burning into mine. I felt a shiver race through my body and I screamed when my muscles clamped down on Edward's cock.

"Bella," he groaned and came inside of me, his entire body shaking, his head thrown back with pleasure. We rolled over and I lay draped over his chest, my breasts pressed against him.

"I don't think I have _ever_ come that hard before," he panted. "You are the most incredible thing ever." He placed kisses along my forehead and I closed my eyes. This…this was bliss. He wrapped his arms around me. "You have no idea how glad I am that you changed your mind," he said fervently.

"Me too."

I knew I had a goofy smile on my face, but I had never felt better. I let my head rest against his chest, my ear pressed to where his heart beat fast. He ran his hands up and down my bare back and over the swell of my hips. I could feel myself responding to his touch already. I felt his cock twitch under me as well, both of us eager and wanting more.

"Mmm, looks like you're up for round two," I teased him.

"If you aren't too sore."

"I'm not, but first, I believe you made a promise to me," I purred.

"What was that?" he muttered, eyes closed.

"That you'd show me how to give head." I laughed when I saw his eyes fly open.

"You really want me to teach you?"

"Yes."

"Dear God, you are going to kill me," he growled.

"You'll enjoy it."

I leaned down and licked his chest. I spent a while nipping at the flesh of his chest and stomach. I traced my tongue along the narrow line of hair trailing from his navel to his cock. I loved the way the muscles clenched under my mouth. I worked my way down slowly and placed a soft kiss on his cock and I was amazed to realize it was already hard again. I didn't really know what I was doing, but he seemed happy so far. I kissed up and down the length and he groaned.

"How am I doing so far?" I teased him.

"Spectacularly." I could see his stomach muscles clench every time my lips touched him.

"Good to know." My tongue flicked out and licked along his length. I could taste both of us on him and he drew in a sharp breath when it teased around the tip of his cock. It twitched under me and I laughed throatily. I opened my mouth and slid him partway in. He groaned when I closed around him.

"Unnh, Bella," he said, his hands tangling in my hair. "I thought I was supposed to be teaching you…"

I pulled away. "You are."

"You're doing really damn well so far," he groaned and gently guided my mouth back down onto him. I took him further into my mouth and let my lips close around him. I slid back until my lips were wrapped around the head and then forward again. "Wrap your fingers around the base of my cock." Edward moaned. "Move up and down on me and be careful of your teeth."

I did, and he shuddered.

"I'm getting close, Bella," he warned me. I re-doubled my efforts and although I didn't think it was possible, I felt his cock harden even more. His head fell back and his hand gripped the blanket below him.

"Bella, are you sure you…" his voice trailed off into a moan.

I sucked harder and he shuddered again when I flicked my tongue against the tip of his cock.

"Fuck, Bella, I'm coming."

He moaned and I felt his cock twitch and then he came in my mouth. I swallowed all of it and felt him shaking a little below me.

"Wow," he breathed and I gently let him slide out of my mouth. I licked him clean, enjoying the way his cock twitched under my tongue. "Fuck…that was…wow." I was amused that I had made Edward incoherent.

"Thank you," he said, and he pulled me up to rest against him. I felt my hard nipples drag across his chest. "Remind me to teach you something again." Edward kissed me, and pulled me close. "I'd say you're a natural."

I grinned, surprised that I was so pleased with myself. "What else are you going to teach me?"

"Everything." He winked at me.

"Mmm, sounds good," I purred, stretching. I glanced around and noticed the sky beginning to lighten. "Shit." I sat up quickly and started searching for my clothes.

"What is it?" Edward sat up too.

"It's starting to get light out. I have no idea what time it is."

He glanced at his phone. "4:30. Damn, I didn't mean to stay out here this late. I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I just have to hurry."

I couldn't seem to find my underwear so I just shoved the jeans on and hurriedly put on the rest of my clothes. Edward dressed and gathered up the blanket and we walked quickly to the parking lot. He briefly kissed me goodbye and told me to message him when I got home, so he'd know I made it back ok. He kissed me again and shut the door of the truck.

I sped out of the parking lot and onto the road. I drove home in a daze, speeding as much as the truck would allow. I breathed a sigh of relief when I pulled onto our street and saw the house. It was still dark and no one seemed to be up and moving around inside. I slipped quietly in the door and when I passed the kitchen on my way to the stairs there was a dim light on over the sink and Charlie was leaning back against the counter, arms folded across his chest. He looked pissed.

"Where have you been?"

"I…I had a bad dream," I stammered.

"And you got up and got dressed and went outside in the middle of the night?"

"Yes. I wanted to take a drive to clear my head." I shifted, aware of the slight ache and wetness between my thighs, made more sensitive by the fact that I was bare under my jeans. I flushed a little, and hoped Charlie couldn't see it in the dim light.

He looked at me for a moment. "Sit down, Bella." He sighed.

We both sat at the kitchen table and he continued. "Look, I don't necessarily have a problem with you going out for a drive if that's what you needed to do. But you should have woken me up to tell me. Or at the very least left me a note. You're legally an adult but while you're still living here I need to know where you are."

"I'm sorry." And I was sorry, sorry for lying to him and for worrying him.

"Alright. We'll leave it at that then this time. But if you EVER sneak out again, you are going to be in serious trouble. I've never really had to worry about you, Bella; you've always been so mature and responsible. But when I woke up and saw that you were gone, I was scared to death."

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to worry you."

"I know. Just don't do it again.

"I won't," I promised.

"And promise me that if you have to leave in the middle of the night for any reason, you'll wake me and tell me."

"I promise."

He glanced at my hair for a moment. "Well, you certainly do look like a mess, that must have been one hell of a nightmare." I forced myself to not reach up and see how messy my hair was. I just prayed that there weren't any twigs or leaves in it. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm feeling a lot better now."

"Good." He awkwardly patted me on the head and walked to the door. "I'm headed out. I got a call a little while ago that I need to go take. Get some more sleep, and no more bad dreams, ok?"

"Ok dad."

He smiled at me and left. I sighed with relief and went upstairs. I laughed when I saw my reflection in the mirror. My hair was a mess. For once it was even messier than Edward's. I tried combing it but gave up when I started to yawn. I quickly brushed my teeth and crawled into bed. I remembered that I needed to send a message to Edward and I grabbed my laptop. There was a message waiting for me.

 **PianoGod:** Bella? Are you ok? Did you make it home?

 **BookGirl:** Yes, sorry, I almost forgot to message you. Charlie was up when I got home but I think I took care of it. Tell you more later. I'm exhausted and going to bed. Hope you aren't too tired today!

I set the laptop on the floor and was asleep immediately, feeling more relaxed than I had in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? Was it what you were expecting?
> 
> Did Rosalie leaving without talking to Bella shock you?
> 
> Also, the chapter title/song suggestion for this chapter was a bit different than most. In this case it was for Bella and Rosalie's friendship, not Edward and Bella.


	12. Que Sera

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to apologize. I know it's been a couple of days since I've updated this here. I promise, I've been working hard on other stories. My new full-length story "Lose the One You Love" will be coming out on 7/26, and I had several contest entries I was getting ready for submission.

**Chapter Twelve: Que Sera**

When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother what will I be?

Will I be pretty?

Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

When I was just a child in school

I asked my teacher what should I try?

Should I paint pictures?

Should I sing songs?

This was her wise reply

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

When I grew up and fell in love

I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead?

Will there be rainbows day after day?

Here's what my sw-eetheart said

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

What will be, will be

Que sera sera...

-"Que Sera" by Pink Martini

* * *

The next morning when I woke up bright light was streaming into the room and I was shocked to realize that it was almost noon. I checked my laptop before I got up and wasn't surprised to see a message from Edward.

 **PianoGod:** I'm glad you made it home safe and that Charlie didn't kill you. Tell me all about it later. I'll call you tonight to get the story. Hope you slept well. I don't have a lesson until eleven so I can sleep in. I didn't plan on last night but I'm glad it happened. You're amazing.

I blushed a little and realized that just a simple compliment from Edward was enough to turn me on. Last night had been unbelievable and I was sorry that I'd had to rush off. I had been more than ready for another round with Edward when I'd realized how late it was. I stretched and got up to take a shower, leisurely washing my hair and scrubbing my body with some vanilla bean sugar scrub that Alice had bought me for graduation. When I got out I combed through my hair and let it dry while I did my nails. The post-sex glow hadn't faded and I was in a spectacular mood. I was actually looking forward to pampering myself. Plus, I had to admit that a small part of me hoped that I'd be seeing Edward again soon and that he'd notice. I chose a raspberry color for my toes, and was very pleased with the result when I finished. It was usually too rainy to wear sandals but since it was sunny out I'd at least get to enjoy them for a day or two. My nails were a silvery pink, subtle but nice and I knew Alice would be happy when she saw them. She frequently complained that I didn't spend enough time taking care of myself.

I grabbed a book from the shelf and an old beach towel and went out to the back yard to read. I laid the towel down in a sunny patch of grass and lost myself in Alice Hoffman's _The Ice Queen_.

I finished it several hours later, sniffling at the ending. I loved her writing, I'd read nearly everything she'd ever written.

I mulled over the story later that day as I pulled together dinner for Charlie and I. It was while I was chopping vegetables for a stir fry when I realized that I'd been picturing Edward and myself as the main characters in the story. I frowned, realizing how much Edward had become a part of my everyday life. That eventually led to remembering the feeling of his skin against mine the night before, and I nearly jumped a foot when Charlie called my name from the doorway to the kitchen.

"Bella. Bella, you alright?"

I turned to face him, blushing scarlet as I spun around to face him. "You startled me dad."

"Sorry Bells." He smiled at me. "You ok?"

"Yep. I had a really good day actually."

"What did you do?"

"Went outside and read in the sun for a few hours."

"Sounds relaxing. Your nose is a bit pink actually."

"Whoops." I peered at my reflection in the shiny silver side of the toaster. "The sun is so rarely out that I always forget how fast I burn."

He chuckled. "What are you making for dinner?"

"Beef and Broccoli stir fry."

"Sounds good." He popped open a can of beer and took a seat at the table, propping his feet up on the chair next to him. "Need any help?"

I laughed. "You'd be more of a hindrance than a help. But I appreciate the offer."

He chuckled. "I am miserable in the kitchen. I don't know where you got your talent from, your mother was even worse than I am." I was surprised, he didn't mention her often.

"Survival instinct I guess." I smiled at him and he smiled back, his mustache lifting at the corners.

"I do appreciate it Bella. I hope you know that."

I nodded. "I don't mind, I enjoy it most of the time."

"I don't know what I'm going to do when you leave."

"Probably starve to death."

He chuckled. "Nah, that's what the diner's for I guess."

I shook my head and put the rice on to cook while I prepped the sauce for dinner. I was grateful that the awkwardness from the morning had disappeared. I asked him how work had been and we fell into our usual easy conversation while I finished dinner and we ate. Life with Charlie was simple and I was really going to miss him when I left for school.

After dinner I went up to my room and pulled out my laptop, making a list of things I needed to buy for my dorm room. I reached eagerly for my phone when it rang, knowing it was probably Edward.

"Hey." I answered happily.

"Bella? It's Edward."

"Hey."

"How was your day?"

"Good. Relaxing actually. I slept in, and then spent most of the day reading."

"Sounds nice." He sighed. "I had tutoring and the kid is an absolute train wreck. I don't think he'll ever learn to play."

"I have faith in your skills," I teased him.

I could almost hear him smile through the phone. "Good to hear. So I want to hear about last night, Charlie was up when you got home?"

I sighed. "Yeah, and he scared the shit out of me. He was standing in the kitchen when I got home."

"What did he say?"

"Just wanted to know what I had been doing"

Edward snickered. "And what did you tell him?"

"I made up some bullshit story about having a bad dream and needing to get out and drive around."

"And he bought it?"

"Yeah, he just told me in the future if that ever happened again I had to wake him up to let him know I was heading out."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I feel awful lying to him. But there wasn't much else I could do. I certainly wasn't going to tell him the truth."

"I can see how that might not go over so well."

"I'll just be glad to leave for school soon. I won't have to lie to him then."

"I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have even asked you to sneak out. I keep making your life more complicated." He sighed.

"No, it's alright Edward. I'm an adult, it's my decision too. You didn't make me do anything I didn't want to do."

"I just feel like you're going to regret this. Every time we get together things get more complicated." He sounded remorseful.

"So far, it's been worth it. And things will be easier once I'm in school…well, that is if you want to still get together."

"Of course. Why wouldn't I?" He sounded shocked.

"Just checking. I didn't want to assume anything."

"Do you want to?" He almost sounded shy.

"Absolutely."

"Is it bad that I want to see you again already?"

"No, but I do need to actually get some sleep tonight. I was exhausted when I got home. I barely remembered to message you before I passed out."

"Hmm, so I wore you out, huh?" Edward purred.

"Maybe a little."

"That just means one thing."

"What's that?" My voice was low and teasing.

"We're going to have to work on your stamina." I felt a rush of arousal go through my body at his words.

"I like the sound of that."

"You're definitely going to be spending the night at my place one of these nights. I want you to myself for the whole night. None of this having to run home in the middle of the night. I just can't get enough of you."

"I move next week, but maybe once I get settled in."

"Are you sure I can't convince you to come over to my place any sooner? I want you in my bed this time."

I shivered, feeling goose bumps break out all over my body as I imagined it. "I'll try."

"I promise I'll make it worth your while."

I smiled. "I'm sure you will. It has been so far."

"I'm glad. Hey, will you promise me something?"

"Sure. What?"

"Don't be afraid to tell me what you want, what's working for you, or what isn't. I won't be offended, I just want to please you."

"I will. But trust me, it's been amazing so far."

"And please, don't ever fake it."

"Fake it? Never," I said fervently. "Trust me, it's been very genuine."

"Good. I'm glad. When someone does...well, let's just say it was awful."

"I can't imagine faking it. Then again I can't imagine having any trouble getting off when I'm with you." I blushed.

He laughed. "Trust me…it's not always like it is between us. You're amazingly responsive."

"I am?" I asked.

"Yes. It's incredible. I've never been with a girl like you before."

I blushed again. "Thanks."

"So you're killing me over here you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"I am so hard right now."

"Oh."

"I wish you were here to help me out."

"So do I." I sighed. "I am sorry I had to run off."

"I understand. I did have plans for you though."

"Like what?"

"Like I wanted to lick your pussy until you screamed."

"Oh god Edward." I moaned.

"Does that make you wet?"

"Yes."

"Please tell me you're touching yourself."

"I am," I admitted. I had slipped my fingers underneath my shorts and started playing with myself when the conversation had started to get suggestive.

"Tell me what it feels like."

"It feels good. I'm wet and still a little sore from last night. I keep picturing you inside of me."

"Mm, it feels so good inside you. You're so wet and tight and hot around me. God, it's fucking unbelievable."

"I know. I feel so full." I moaned, sliding two fingers inside my wet heat.

"Tell me what you're doing."

"I have two fingers inside of me."

"Do you wish it was my cock instead?"

"Yes," I whimpered. "I want to feel you Edward."

"Tell me what else you want."

"I want you to lick my nipples."

"Mmm, they're so perfect, I want to tease them while I fuck you."

"God, Edward, I'm getting close."

"Please, Bella. Come for me. I want to hear it."

"It feels so good," I moaned into the phone, suddenly grateful that I had turned on music earlier.

"I want to you come all over my hard cock, feel you on top of me, riding me. Throwing your head back as you come. Your nails scraping down my chest while I kiss you."

I came with a breathy moan, my inner walls clamping down on my fingers. "Fuck that was intense," I panted into the phone.

"God,, Bella, I'm so close," he whimpered.

"Mmm, imagine me still riding you, coming all over you. Now I want you to picture coming inside of me. My bare wet heat covering your cock while you make me moan your name."

"Shit, Bella."

"And after you came, I'd lick my way down your body until I got to your cock, and I'd lick you clean. Taste both of us all over you."

"Bella," he moaned. "I'm coming." It was quiet for a moment as we both panted into the phone, desperately trying to breathe. "That was amazing."

"Yes it was."

"So were you looking at my pictures when you came?" he asked.

"Yes," I admitted. "Were you?"

"No, I'm really not that narcissistic. Staring at myself doesn't really get me off."

I laughed. "I meant, were you staring at my pictures you idiot?"

"Yes. They're so incredibly hot."

"Glad you liked them. Maybe sometime I'll do some more."

"God, you are amazing."

"So I've been told." I laughed and then yawned. "I'm worn out again. I think I should head to bed."

"Ok. Sweet dreams, Bella."

"Night, Edward." I fell asleep easily with a smile on my face. It lasted well into the next day as I shelved books and packed to leave.

Jacob and I had reached an uneasy truce. He didn't mention his feelings for me, and I didn't mention Edward. We still hung out occasionally, mostly when Billy and Charlie got together. We were cordial, and still joked around sometimes. But we had lost the easy friendship between us and I missed it. I was sad, and frustrated, but there wasn't anything more I could do. I had spent the summer making myself sick over the fact that I had hurt both Rosalie and Jacob. It had never been intentional to hurt either one of them, I hadn't realized that either of them would be jealous. But they were, and I was learning to live with the consequences. It had made for a lonely summer and I was looking forward to the fresh start of a new school and a new city. Forks was just too small for me to be comfortable in anymore. There were very few people in Forks that I would be sad to leave behind. I would miss Charlie of course, and Billy, despite his son's current obnoxiousness. Sue and Harry too. But of the people I knew in high school, there were almost none. I had never liked Lauren, and I had only spoken to Jessica and Tyler once since the fight with Rosalie at the restaurant. Jessica was coming to U of W also, and I knew I was bound to run into her there, so I was glad that she seemed be ignoring the current drama going on. She had apologized for what happened at the dinner after Rosalie's party and seemed genuinely remorseful. We weren't close friends, but she was nice when she wasn't around Lauren. I was hopeful that with Lauren going to a school in L.A. Jessica would turn into a decent human being. Angela and Ben, along with Alice, would be at school. Everyone I cared to still speak to was going to school in Seattle, and I doubted I'd go back to Forks at all if it weren't for Charlie and Billy and the Clearwaters.

Some of the stress of earlier in the summer had eased. With Rosalie gone I had a small amount of resolution to the drama and despite how deeply I missed her, I was trying to learn to move on. Being with Edward again made things easier too. If nothing else our nightly phone conversations did a lot to relieve my tension. I was counting down the days until I could see him again.

"Alice, how on earth do you own that much stuff?" I groaned. Everything I was taking with me to college fit easily in my truck with plenty of room to spare. Alice's things had filled the rest of that space, her car, and Emmett and Jasper's cars too. "Where are you even going to put it? You only get one room to use, not the entire dorm."

She rolled her eyes at me and somehow managed to stuff another suitcase in Emmett's Jeep. "Aren't you glad we decided to get single rooms now?"

"Yes. Yes I am." We had originally planned to room together, but came to the conclusion that between Alice's massive wardrobe and the fact that Jasper was going to be there all of the time, we'd be much better off having our own rooms. Luckily, we were able to snag a couple of single rooms that were just a little ways down the hall from each other. It was perfect. As much as I loved Alice, she could be a little overwhelming sometimes, and I needed time to myself. I was an only child and Charlie had never hovered, so I was used to being by myself. And if I was honest, most of the time I preferred it. I was excited to be leaving for school. Especially with all of the drama that had cropped up this summer, the idea of leaving Forks was appealing. I couldn't bring myself to regret what had happened with Edward. Even though I'd lost Rosalie and Jacob as friends. What I had with Edward had become very important. Somehow when I was with him the rest of the world disappeared and I could focus on nothing but the two of us. I was starting to crave the quiet stillness our being together brought me. I didn't have a clue how Edward felt about what we had, but at least I no longer had any doubts that he wanted it to continue.

"Bella!" I heard someone shout and my head snapped around to see who had called for me. It was Alice, and she looked annoyed. "I've been trying to get your attention but it's like you were in your own little fantasy world. What on earth were you thinking about?"

I shrugged. "Just thinking about the move. Sorry"

"Well let's go then! I'm packed."

"Finally," I muttered and she stuck her tongue out at me. I climbed into my truck and headed out. It was a 3 hour drive to Seattle and I cranked up the sound for my iPod. My ancient truck had a non-working radio, but I'd managed to find a pair of small speakers to plug into the iPod, so at least I could listen to music. I sang along with the music as I drove, trying to make the drive go faster. If I was being honest with myself, I was a little nervous too. Charlie had gruffly wished me good luck this morning before he headed out to work and the tears he kept blinking back had almost made me cry. Neither of us were particularly emotional people, but this was hard. It had just been Charlie and I for nearly thirteen years and I hated to think of him being alone. He'd apologized for not going with me, but in a way I was grateful. Emmett and Jasper would be there to help Alice and I unload and it was easier to say goodbye to Charlie at home. I had welcome week events to go to, and a couple of days to settle in before classes started on Monday.

For once the weather was gorgeous and after a while I cranked down the windows and enjoyed the breeze blowing in. I turned the sound up and sang along with the music, happy to feel the wind in my hair. I was startled when I heard my phone ring, and I dug it out of my bag to answer it.

"Hello," I said breathlessly, hoping to catch them before they hung up.

"Hey Bella."

"Edward?"

"Yeah, I just wanted to see how it was going."

"Oh, not too bad. I'm about an hour from Seattle now. We left a little later than I hoped. Alice took forever to get her stuff packed. She filled up the rest of the space in my truck, and all of Jasper's car and Emmett's Jeep."

He laughed. "That sounds like Alice."

"Oh I know. I'm just glad we decided to get singles."

"Good call." He laughed. "And that will come in handy."

"Come in handy?"

"For you and I."

"Oh." I hadn't really thought about it that way.

"Well I am on campus a couple of times a week. I was hoping I'd be able to stop by occasionally to see you."

"That would be nice."

"Just nice?" he teased me.

"Yeah, you know…tolerable."

"I think I'm going to have to step up my game, make sure things are a little bit more memorable. You seem to be having problems remembering how mind blowing it was last time."

"You're just so very forgettable Edward." I sighed.

He laughed. "I know. I'll have to work on that."

"So how is your day going?" I asked.

"Not too bad. I have a couple of tutoring sessions today. That's why I couldn't make it to Forks to help you guys move."

"Oh. That's alright, I didn't expect you too. I have Emmett."

"Well, he probably is the better choice. Better at heavy lifting and all of that."

I laughed. "True. Although I suspect he'll be doing most of the work for Alice."

"Probably. Want me to swing by when I'm done with my sessions?"

"If you want to. It's not a big deal."

"I'll call you when I get done. Alright, I have to go, my student is here."

"Talk to you later, Edward."

"Bye, Bella. Good luck with the move."

"Thanks." I hung up my phone and turned the music back up. The rest of the drive to Seattle passed by in a blur. I was shocked when I pulled up to the dorm. There were what looked to be thousands of people milling around and vehicles parked up on the lawn as people unloaded all of their possessions. I wasn't quite sure if my truck could make it over the curb without breaking something vital so I drove around for a few minutes before I finally found a spot to park. It wasn't far from where Alice and Emmett and Jasper were unloading and I waved to them. Of course they had all made it to Seattle before me. My poor truck couldn't go above 50 miles an hour, so it took a little bit longer to get anywhere. Plus, Alice drove like a speed demon, and I knew Emmett and Jasper did too.

I grabbed my backpack and a duffle bag and walked over to the table where sign in was. I showed my ID and got my room key. I tried to listen to the spiel about welcome week activities but I was too anxious to get up to my room. I finally managed to get away and walked to the dorm. My room was on the fourth floor and I knew by the end of the day I was going to be incredibly sore from walking up and down the stairs over and over again. I swung the door open to my room and smiled. It was perfect. It was small, smaller than my room at Charlie's had been, but I loved it already. It faced South and light streamed in the windows. There was a desk and a dresser, and a lofted bed with a pull out couch below. The closet was small, but unlike Alice I wouldn't have too much trouble fitting all of the clothes I owned in there. I dropped my bags on the couch and peered out the window. It overlooked a grassy lawn and a small garden and I smiled. I was going to be happy here.

Alice burst in the door and took a look around. "It's so small Bella. How are you going to stand it?" she wailed.

I rolled my eyes. "It's cozy, not small…it'll be perfect Alice."

"There's no way I could fit even a quarter of my stuff in there."She laughed.

"True. Let's see your room."

I closed the door behind me and followed her down the hall. Her room was nearly twice the size of mine. It was normally a double room, but she'd paid extra to have it to herself. Her parents hadn't even blinked at the price, but I couldn't have asked Charlie to pay that. I went with one of the smaller designated singles, and I thought I'd be perfectly happy. Alice's room was huge, but it was still filled with boxes nearly to the ceiling.

"Oh my god Alice, this is nuts."

"We haven't even unloaded Jasper's car yet."

I shook my head. "Good luck unpacking them."

It didn't take long for Emmett and I to get everything moved up to my room, but by the time we were done my entire body ached and I was disgustingly sweaty. It wasn't a very hot day, but it was humid and I could feel my hair curling around my face. I was sure I looked like a wreck. I collapsed on the couch and groaned. I relaxed for a few minutes while Emmett went to help Alice and Jasper finish unloading. I guzzled a bottle of water down and decided to take a quick shower to rinse off. I managed to locate my flip flops and a towel and robe in my bag and went down to the showers. I wasn't thrilled about communal showers, but at least they were clean and there were plenty of them. I rinsed myself off in the cool water and toweled dry. When I got back to my room my phone was beeping. I hurried to get it and saw that I had missed a call from Edward. I called him back.

"Hey, it's me. Sorry, I was in the shower when you called."

"It's fine. I'm here in Alice's room actually. What room are you in?"

"Four oh two. Give me just a sec to get changed."

"What are you wearing now?"

"Just my robe."

"And you want me to wait to come down?" he sounded amused.

I blushed. "Well I guess not."

He hung up before I could even finish. There was a knock on my door a moment later and I straightened the robe and walked over.

"Hey." He smiled at me.

"Hey." We stood there staring at each other for a moment and then I realized people in the hall were giving us curious looks. "Come in."

He closed the door behind him and looked around. "Wow, this room is small."

I laughed. "I know. But I love it. I think it'll be great."

We stared at each other awkwardly for a few minutes and then he laughed uncomfortably. "Why is this so weird all of a sudden?"

"I don't know." I shook my head.

"Do you realize this is the first time we've been alone together in a room that actually belongs to one of us?"

I chuckled. "We have been a little…unconventional so far." I absentmindedly rubbed my shoulder and he stepped behind me.

"Is your back sore?"

"A little. I did something weird when I was carrying the boxes." I rotated my neck, trying to ease the tension in it.

"Want me to see if I can help?"

"Sure. I'd never turn down a massage from you." While he worked on me I let my neck and shoulders relax and my head lolled back as the muscles unclenched.

"Mmm, you always smell so good," Edward purred, his hands were warm against my bare skin and I smiled.

"It's just shampoo."

"Yeah, but it smells like strawberries. It makes you very…edible." He kissed the side of my neck and despite the warmth of the room I shivered. He turned me around to face him and it definitely wasn't awkward anymore. There was just heat, and Edward. He kissed me, slowly and thoroughly and even though I knew I had a thousand things I needed to do, all I could focus on was him. He parted the robe and let it fall open, but didn't take it off of me. He kissed his way down my collarbone and was making his way toward my breasts when we were interrupted by a knock on the door and we sprang apart guiltily.

"Who is it?" I called out.

"Alice. We're heading out to get food. Want to come?"

I could see Edward shaking his head no and I grinned at him before calling out. "I dunno Alice I'm kind of busy."

"Pleeeeaaase."

My stomach growled then and he laughed and whispered, "c'mon, we'll go. I suppose I can wait another hour or so to have my way with you."

"Fine, give me just a sec, Alice." I called.

I dressed hurriedly; and tried to ignore the intense stare Edward gave me. I gathered my still damp hair into a loose ponytail and opened the door. Alice smirked like she knew exactly what we'd been doing.

"Nice of you to join us Edward," she said archly.

He gave her an amused glance, but didn't reply. I saw several girls gaping at Edward and I couldn't help but smile. We walked to a small restaurant on the edge of campus for lunch and I relaxed. Despite everything I had to get done, it had been a good day so far. While we were waiting for our sandwiches to be brought out I realized I hadn't called Charlie yet and stood up to go outside to call him.

"Is everything alright Bella?" Edward asked, sounding worried. His hand reached up to touch mine.

"Yeah, I just need to call Charlie. Let him know that the truck got me here safe and all that. I'll be back in a second." I squeezed his hand quickly and saw a surprised look from Emmett.

When I got outside I called Charlie at the station. "Hey dad, I just wanted to let you know I made it here in one piece and everything's up in my room."

"Good. I'm glad you called. How did the moving go?"

"It was fine, Emmett was a huge help. I'm on the fourth floor though, and there's no elevator."

He chuckled. "Have fun with that. Look, I'm sorry to cut this short Bella, but I have to head out on a call. I'm glad you called me though."

"No, it's cool, my lunch is here. Talk to you later dad."

"Bye Bells. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too." I swallowed a lump in my throat and walked back to the table. Emmett turned and grinned at me, his mouth full of food and I couldn't help but laugh. I might miss Charlie, but I'd have a hard time being too sad around my friends.

When lunch was over we walked back to the dorm and Edward and I disappeared into my room again, and I shut the door. We had just gotten to the point where we had been interrupted before when a phone rang. We both groaned but neither of us made a move to grab it.

"Is that mine or yours?" I asked

"I think it's mine. I don't know who it is though; I have specific ring tones for just about everyone."

I lay back on the couch. "And what is mine?"

"Brown Eyed Girl of course."

"Of course." I grinned. "What's Alice's?"

"Little Miss Can't be Wrong."

"That's perfect. What about Emmett and Jasper?"

"They were a little bit tougher. Emmett's is "Oh Yeah" by Yello…you know the one from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Jasper's is "The Devil Went Down to Georgia." He laughed. "Rosalie's was always my favorite though, "Witchy Woman."

I laughed, it did suit her, but something in my face must have worried Edward. "God I'm sorry Bella. That was thoughtless of me."

"What?"

"I shouldn't have brought Rosalie up."

I shrugged. "No it's alright. I miss her, but I'll learn to live with it eventually."

"I thought maybe you were uncomfortable talking about her with me. Because of our past."

"No, that doesn't bother me. I was just missing her, that's all"

"You're an unusual girl Bella Swan." He smiled at me. "Now where were we?" He leaned down to kiss me and the phone rang again. He growled and rested his forehead against mine. "Stupid cock-blocking phone. Alright, I guess I should check and see who is calling." He sat up and grabbed his phone, "Shit, I need to get this. Sorry, Bella."

"It's fine." He leaned back against the couch and I reached up to play with his hair while he talked. He smiled and closed his eyes, slouching a little so I could reach better.

"This is Edward." He paused. "Thank you for calling me back professor, I appreciate it.

"Now? Well I have plans for the next few hours."

I raised my eyebrows at him. _The next few hours…apparently someone was feeling ambitious,_ I thought.

"That's the only time you have to meet until the sixth of September? Hmm, well I suppose I

can reschedule…" He looked at me apologetically and I nodded.

"Alright, I am on campus now, I'll meet you in your office in 20 minutes." He hung up and turned to look at me.

"I am so sorry Bella, I need to go. I have to meet with my professor about one of the classes I want to take this semester. I've been dying to get in, and I need an override directly from him to do it. He can't meet until the sixth otherwise and I'd miss a bunch of classes…" his words came out in a rush.

"It's alright, I understand. Are you planning to come by later?" I asked

"I will do my best," he promised. "And I'll call you either way."

"Sounds good."

He straightened his clothing and opened the door.

"Bye, Bella."

He stepped back to give me another lingering kiss and I smiled and pushed him out the door.

"Go. You don't want to be late."

He shot me a devilish grin and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to mention just how very much I love Alice Hoffman's work. Pretty much every single thing she's written, although "The Ice Queen" is one of my particular favorites. I do occasionally still read things that aren't fan fic. :)
> 
> I know the lemony portion in this chapter was pretty brief, but trust me, the next chapter won't disappoint.
> 
> -What do you think of their friends reactions to the way Edward and Bella interact?
> 
> -Will someone please let me know they're reading this story? I see hits...but no reviews. It's very sad.


	13. Little Wonders

**Chapter 13: Little Wonders**

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder,

Don't you know, the hardest part is over, let it in,

Let your clarity define you in the end,

You will only just remember how it feels.

Our lives are made, in these small hours, these little wonders

These twisted turns of fate, time falls away,

But these small hours, these small hours, still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you, let it stand

Till you feel it all around you

And I don't mind if it's me you need to turn to, we'll get by,

It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made, in these small hours, these little wonders

These twisted turns of fate, time falls away,

But these small hours, these small hours, still remain.

All of my regret will wash away somehow,

But I cannot forgive the way I feel right now.

In these small hours, these little wonders, these twisted turns of fate,

All these twisted turns of fate, these twisted turns of fate

Yeah time falls away

But these small hours, these small hours, still remain.

They still remain, these little wonders, all these twisted turns of fate

Time falls away, but these small hours, these little wonders

Still remain.

-"Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas

* * *

I didn't bother to shut the door behind Edward and I got to work unpacking. A short while later a girl from the room next to me peered in.

"Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm Alicia."

"Hey, I'm Bella."

"Nice to meet you. So you have this room to yourself then?"

"Yeah. How about you?" I smiled at her.

"No, I have a roommate. She seems nice though. I think we'll get along."

"Do you know anyone else here?" I asked.

She shook her head. "No, I'm from out of state. Colorado actually. You?"

"Local, I grew up a couple of hours from here. My friend Alice lives down the hall, I'm sure you'll meet her soon. She's the crazy little one with the spiky black hair. And a few other people from high school go here too, but they don't live in this dorm."

She nodded. "Does your boyfriend live here?"

"My boyfriend?"

"Yeah, the really hot guy who was here earlier, with the sex hair."

I laughed. "Oh, that's Edward. He's...um..."

"He's not your boyfriend?"

"No. He's a friend and…well…it's complicated."

She laughed. "Geeze, no matter how complicated, I'd kill to be friends with him. He's gorgeous."

I nodded. "He doesn't live here though. He lives in Port Angeles actually."

"Is he a student?"

"He's getting his Masters. He was just here to tutor today and he stopped by to see me."

She raised her eyebrows. "You are one lucky girl."

I laughed. "I know."

"Hey, I gotta get back to unpacking but it was nice talking to you Bella. Let me know if you ever want to grab dinner in the caf or something, or hang out and watch a movie."

"That would be nice." I smiled at her. I suspected that she had stopped to see me to find out more about Edward, but she seemed nice and it would be good to get to know the people on the floor.

Over the course of the next few hours, several more girls stopped by to say hi and inquire about Edward. I couldn't help but laugh, who knew he was the way to break the ice with the new neighbors? I had just finished getting the last of my clothes situated in the closet and the dresser when Alice barreled in.

"Hey, Bella! Wow, Edward must not have stayed long, you got a ton done in here."

I glanced around the room; it had drastically improved. I was more than halfway done unpacking. "Yeah, he got a call from a professor he had to go meet before anything happened."

She grinned. "So you're channeling your sexual frustration into organization?"

I laughed. "Pretty much. He might stop by later though."

She tilted her head at me and studied me. "Things are going really well for you guys then."

"Yeah." I shrugged. "We're having fun."

"You do realize that he's never been like this with anyone else right?"

"Like what?" I asked.

She hesitated. "It's always been a lot more casual. I think he kept a lot more distance. Didn't get involved in their lives, didn't spend time with them for anything but sex."

"How do you know?"

"Jasper mentioned how surprised he was at the way he acts around you."

I shrugged. "It's just because we're all friends. It's not like he can ignore me like he can someone outside of the group."

"He never spent that much time with Rosalie, that's for damn sure."

I shrugged. "Don't make a big deal about this Alice. Please."

She held up her hands. "Fine. I just want you to know, I think he really cares about you Bella."

I nodded. "Ok." I knew it wasn't the response she wanted, but I had no idea what else to say.

She sighed but changed the subject. "What time do you want to get dinner?"

I glanced at the clock; it was 4:30pm. "I dunno, a few hours maybe. I'm not really hungry yet. I think I'll unpack for a while longer."

She nodded. "If you want, you can come keep me company for a while. I'm not even close to being done and Jasper left about an hour ago."

I laughed. "No big surprise that you're not done then."

She laughed too and went back to her room. I had finished making my bed when Edward called.

"Good timing," I teased him. "There are even sheets on my bed now."

"Very nice. I'm sorry it took so long to call you though." he said. "I ended up talking to my prof for longer than I anticipated."

"No big deal. I'm getting close to being done."

"Good."'

"So did you get the override for the class?"

"Yes, I did actually," he sounded pleased. "And I might get to work on a project that sounds really interesting."

"What's the project?"

"They're looking to do some original works as accompaniment for some of the theater department shows this year, I might get to compose something for that."

"Wow. That's fantastic. Would you get credit for it? Or would it just be something that looks great on your resume?"

"I don't know yet. That's what I stayed to talk to Professor Simon about. He wants to try to find a way that I can earn some credits, but he isn't sure what he has to do to make that happen. I'll know more in a few weeks."

"That's great."

"So, do you want me to come over?" he sounded tentative and uncertain.

"Yeah, I'd like that. Although please try not to dazzle the girls who live next door to me so much. Several of them came to ask about you as soon as you were gone."

He laughed. "I didn't even notice them."

"Well, apparently they noticed you." I snickered.

"And dazzle? What's that supposed to mean?"

"She seemed quite impressed. Although she thought you were my boyfriend." I laughed. "Don't worry, I corrected her."

"No, don't do that."

"What? You want me to tell people you're my boyfriend?"

"Yes." I was silent for a moment, and he hastened to explain. "I mean, I wouldn't want to have hoards of freshman girls following me around because I'd dazzled them and they thought I was available."

I laughed. "I'll be sure to let them know you're otherwise occupied then."

"Thank goodness. I barely have enough time to see you as much as I'd like to."

"Well, whenever you want to stop by, I'll be here. I really should get back to unpacking though."

"Are you sure?" I was momentarily confused when I heard the voice coming from both the phone and from behind me.

I spun around. "I didn't realize you were on your way over now."

He smiled at me and hung up his phone before shutting the door behind him. "I didn't want to wait any longer."

"I'm glad." This time there was no awkwardness, and we didn't get interrupted again. He kissed me hungrily and I wrapped my arms around him. It was different this time. He quickly removed my shirt and shorts and stripped off everything but his boxers.

"Impatient?" I teased him.

"Yes, I'm afraid we'll get interrupted again." He grinned at me. "Now shut up and kiss me."

I grabbed the back of his head and kissed him hard. He skimmed his hands down my back to my waist. He bent down and dragged his teeth across my bra-covered nipple. I moaned and arched into him. He was hard and his erection pressed into my stomach. I ground against him and he swallowed a moan. He moved to the other nipple and I moved rhythmically against him, desperate for him to be inside of me. He fumbled with my bra hook, suddenly uncoordinated. He managed to finally get it unhooked and ripped it off of me and threw it across the room.

"Get up on the bed and hang your legs over the side," he muttered and I followed his instructions without even pausing to question it. He gently parted my legs and tugged off my panties. He stepped forward and I moaned when I realized what he had in mind. The height of the lofted bed put him at exactly the right level. He smiled faintly and moved my legs further apart. He didn't waste time with preliminaries, just buried his head between my legs and I threw back my head with pleasure.

"Oh god Edward," I moaned.

He licked and sucked at my overheated flesh, tasting me. Devouring me. I looked at him through heavy lidded eyes hazy with lust. I buried my hands in his soft hair and guided him a little higher so his tongue was flicking against my clit. I shuddered and thrust toward him. His hands moved to cup my ass and draw me closer. He didn't tease me at all, but instead worked my body over expertly to bring me to a quick shuddering climax.

"I'm coming," I moaned and his hands held me in place while he continued to lick me. The muscles in my stomach and thighs clenched and I gripped his hair as I shuddered under his tongue, unable to stop coming. When the shaking finally subsided I unwound my hands and he lifted his head.

"That was…" I sighed, at a loss for words.

He nodded, knowing what I was trying to say without me even having to speak it. He climbed up into the bed beside me and nearly cracked his head on the ceiling.

"Careful," I warned him.

"I will be. I have a lot of plans for you still Bella…"

"Mmm, like what?" I asked, arching into him wantonly. He pushed me gently onto my back and he lay on his side. He hooked both of my legs over his hip and suddenly we were at a very interesting angle. He slipped a finger inside of me and I was warm and wet for him. His finger trailed up to tease at my clit and he pushed his cock slowly into me as we rocked together. He reached up to play with my tits while he watched me, taking in the soft gasps I couldn't stop from making and the way I bit my lip. I flattened my palms against the bed beside me, and moaned when he thrust slowly in and out. It was leisurely and unhurried, our frantic desire tempered a little.

"You look beautiful like that," he whispered.

I moaned. "It feels so good."

"I know. I missed this."

"Me too." I wanted to kiss him, but from the angle we were at it was impossible. He must have had the same thought because he lifted my hand to place a kiss on my palm and then wound our fingers together. He continued to move inside of me, and the ache in me slowly built.

"I want to watch you come, Bella," he said quietly. My eyes fluttered open and I saw him starting intently at me.

"I'm close," I moaned.

"Come for me. Please." His fingers skimmed across my clit and I arched up to meet his thrust, wanting to feel him deeper inside of me.

"So good," I panted.

He pinched my clit lightly between his fingers and I twisted the sheets in my hand as my body shuddered around him. I could see the look of surprise on his face when his orgasm followed mine. He collapsed beside me, drawing my body closer to his, his head beside mine on the pillow. His breath was hot against my skin and he dragged his hand across my stomach. I was too relaxed to be ticklish and I flipped onto my side to look at him. He turned onto his back and his eyes were still closed.

"So I'd say we thoroughly christened your new room."

I laughed quietly. "I think so."

"Sorry I had to leave like that earlier."

"It's ok, Edward. I understand. Really, it's not a big deal."

He turned and looked at me. "I just don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage of this. Taking advantage of you."

"It should be pretty clear to you that I'm a willing participant."

"Oh I know. I don't mean that. I just don't want you to feel like…like I just expect you to drop everything when I call or say I'm around. Don't feel obligated to change your schedule just for me."

I nodded. "I understand. But no, I don't feel like you expect me to do that. And I am pretty flexible…" he leered at me and I rolled my eyes. "My schedule is pretty flexible right now. So it's fine. Today all I had to do was unpack. It didn't matter when you came over. I wanted you to come over, so it was no big deal if it was this afternoon or now. Do you know what I mean?"

He nodded. "Good. I was just making sure."

"And actually, getting called away was probably a good thing. Look at how much I got done." I gestured to the mostly clean room. "Alice thought my sexual frustration was motivating me to organize."

He laughed." Glad to help."

I stretched. "She's probably right. I don't feel like doing anything now."

"Me either. Well, not anything that involves getting out of the bed anyway. Although I have to say the lofted bed is kind of…interesting."

"I know. Next time we'll have to go for the pull out couch instead. I was kind of afraid you were going to hit your head on the ceiling."

"Yeah, there really isn't a lot of space between the mattress and the ceiling."

"I know. Sorry."

He leaned down to kiss me. "You're worth risking a concussion for."

I laughed. "Aren't you sweet?"

"Do you think you'd be able to come to my place occasionally though?"

"Sure."

"I'll be here on campus more than you'll be in Port Angeles I know, but it would be nice to have you spend the weekend or something."

I nodded. "Sure, I can make the drive."

"Can your truck make it? It is rather…elderly."

"It made it here from Forks, didn't it?"

"True." He made a face. "It has to get horrible gas mileage though."

I shrugged. "Yeah, it's not great. I've never actually figured out what it gets…I'm afraid to. But it's not like Port Angeles is that far. Besides, at least I don't drive 900 miles an hour like all the rest of you do."

He rolled his eyes." Your truck would shake into a million pieces if you even hit seventy."

I laughed. "Probably. But I love it anyway."

"I can tell," he said dryly.

"Besides…really…you drive a Volvo…isn't that kind of a grandma car?"

"What?" He looked offended.

"Honestly…someone says Volvo and I think boring and practical."

"It's a great car. And you seriously underestimate what it can do."

"I'll have to take your word for it."

"Why? What do you think I should drive?"

"I dunno…I guess I'd expect something sportier."

"Well I'd love an Astin Martin but it's not quite in my budget," he said dryly. "But I'll be sure to let you know when I can afford one."

I laughed. "Vanquishes are nice. But I'd rather have a Bugatti Veyron."

"Talk about expensive taste."

"I never said I expect to get one…just that I like them."

"How can you stand to drive that truck when clearly you have a speed demon hiding somewhere in there?"

"I love my truck, she has character."

"That she does," he said wryly and ran a hand down my arm and I shivered. "How do you know so much about cars anyway? Bugatti's aren't exactly your everyday car."

"Jake and Seth." I laughed. "They're car nuts and I kind of absorbed it from them without even trying."

"Ahh, makes sense." He pulled me closer and a small frown marred the smooth skin of his forehead. "So, I wanted to talk to you about something." He looked serious and it made me a little uneasy.

"Sure."'

"Well, I know you're on the pill, and trust me, not having to deal with condoms is amazing, but I just wanted to talk about that a little."

"Okay."

"I haven't been with anyone else since, well, Rosalie actually."

"I haven't been with anyone else either," I admitted.

"Okay, I'm not trying to make this awkward, but if you were with someone else, just make sure you use a condom and please tell me, so we can use one again. I'll do the same."

I blushed. "Oh, of course. I...didn't even really think about it. I mean, I haven't wanted to be with anyone else, so it hasn't been an issue for me and I trust you," I finished awkwardly.

"Same here. I mean I trust you and I haven't wanted to be with anyone else either. And I'd really like to continue what we have."

"Me too."

"So yeah, if anything changes, just let me know."

I nodded, both relieved and embarrassed by the conversation.

"I hope you don't mind talking about this. I just know you haven't dealt with any of this before, so I thought I'd better bring it up."

"No, it's good. I mean I'm glad you did," I admitted. "It's better to talk about it."

"Good. Even though that was sixteen kinds of awkward."

I laughed. "Really. Seriously though, I am glad you brought it up. I am rather new at all of this."

"I know. You seem really comfortable with it though."

I shrugged. "I wasn't a virgin because of any moral issues with sex, I just hadn't really found anyone who interested me."

He nodded. "It can be really difficult to find someone you connect with."

"I'm curious. Is this what your, um, relationships are usually like?"

"Yes and no. I've never had a one-night stand, typically it's been a month or so with a girl, someone I meet in class or something. We know each other already but we aren't really close friends or anything."

"So then what?

He shrugged. "Well, if the chemistry is there and everything clicks we'd hook up occasionally until there was some reason to go our separate ways. She'd meet someone else or want an actual relationship. Actually, there was only one girl that wanted that."

"And you didn't?"

"No. We were physically compatible enough I guess but there wasn't anything else. No real connection." He chuckled. "I certainly wouldn't have offered to help her move."

I laughed. "I wasn't fishing for that, or trying to compare, I just wanted to know a little more about you."

He looked at me for a moment. "No, you aren't like most girls."

"Probably not. Truthfully, I didn't get along with most of the girls at school. Jess is pretty nice, when she's not hanging out with Lauren. But Lauren is the epitome of the vapid, manipulative jealous girl I can't stand. Angela is great though, we're quite close."

"She's the pretty Asian girl with the funky glasses, right?"

"Yes."

Edward shook his head. "See, right there. You're so different."

"Right where what?"

"Most girls would have flipped out that I commented on Angela."

I shrugged. "But she is hot, I know that."

"Like I keep saying, you're not like other girls. Trust me, that's a really good thing."

"Thanks."

I bit my lip, unsure if I should ask this question or not. "So tell me about one of your ex-whatevers. One of the ones you really liked."

He gave me a surprised look. "Hmm. Ok. Anna was great. Very sweet, very smart. We hit it off well. It lasted for a few months. We were both busy so it was kind of a hit or miss thing. But fun when we had the time."

"Why did it end?"

"She met someone."

"And you were fine with that?"

He smiled. "Absolutely. He was really good for her. They got married last year actually." He mock scowled at me. "But don't get any ideas. No running off and getting serious with the first hot guy who asks you out. I'm nowhere near being done with you."

I laughed and rolled on top of him, kissing him deeply. "I think I need a demonstration." I sighed against his mouth. He pulled my thighs apart until I was straddling him and guided his cock inside of me.

"I would be more than happy to oblige," he whispered huskily as I rocked over him. The angle was slightly awkward because I couldn't sit up very far, but it caused my clit to rub against him and I moaned.

"Fuck Edward."

"Feel good?" he whispered.

"Mmm." I couldn't quite reach his lips so I focused on his neck, licking across his collarbone, taking the skin of his shoulder between my teeth. He gasped and his hips bucked up against me, causing me to moan. His hands wrapped around my butt to press me closer and he guided my movements.

"I want to feel you come all over my cock," he whispered.

"Mmm, please..."

"Anything. Just tell me what you want."

"I need you on top of me." He obliged without a word, rolling us over carefully and hitching my leg up over his hip.

"Like that?" he asked as my head arched back and his lips found all of the sensitive spots on my neck.

"Yes." I squirmed and he nipped lightly at the skin. "Harder."

Despite the limited space to move he did thrust in harder. My fingers clawed at his back and I gasped and moaned. "Yes, like that."

He groaned in my ear when he came and I felt my body respond just a moment later.

"You feel so good," I gasped and he murmured his agreement. He collapsed half on top of me and kissed my sweat-slicked shoulder. I felt a rumble of contentment shudder through his body and I stretched, feeling pleasantly sore and content myself. When he rolled over on his back I noticed a dark shadow at the juncture of his neck and shoulder.

I frowned. "Whoops, I think I left a mark. Sorry."

He shrugged but didn't open his eyes. "I don't care."

"Just didn't want you think I was marking you as my territory or something."

"Eh, not like anyone else will see it anyway."

I laughed. "Not planning to run out and seduce more high school girls?"

He turned and rolled his eyes at me. "First of all, I thought you told me I didn't seduce you. Second, you never acted like a high schooler, and you weren't in high school when we slept together. And finally, I am in no hurry to find anyone else. I don't have enough time to really focus on you the way I want, much less add some other girl in to the mix."

"True, true, true and I was just teasing." He kissed me and I felt my body respond immediately but I was a little bit sore, so I pulled back so we could talk more. "So, you don't have to answer this, but how many girls have you slept with?"

He laughed. "Probably less than you think. Apart from you, eight. So, nine now."

"Oh." That was less than I'd anticipated.

"See. I told you."

I laughed. "Yeah, sorry."

"No, it's alright. I know why you probably thought so, but I really am not that bad. Remember, that's over five, six years."

"True. And it really doesn't matter, I was just kind of curious."

He laughed. "It's fine."

"So were any of those girlfriends?"

"No, just friends. I haven't really had the time for relationships. And I haven't met anyone who has been worth making the time for."

"That makes sense."

"What about you? How the hell did you make it to nearly nineteen without some guy sweet talking his way into your pants?"

"I have no idea. There wasn't much of an interest, I guess."

"You really never had a guy who was interested?"

"Not really. At least not anyone I thought was worth my time."

"Hmm. I find that astonishing. Maybe the guys in Forks need to get their eyes checked."

"I always figured I'd meet someone when I came here to college."

"I have good timing then," Edward said smugly. "I got to you before they could."

"Very devious of you Mr. Cullen."

He groaned. "It's way too hot when you call me that."

I laughed. "You're ridiculous."

"I know. But you like it."

"True."

"And apparently remarkably tolerant."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing I do seems to bug you. That's another reason things never worked out with any of the girls. I drove them crazy."

I laughed. "Really?"

"Really. I've been called 'a broody emo bastard' more times than I could count."

I shrugged. "You really don't come across that way to me."

"Well good. I just get really wrapped up in my music, and I don't even realize it, but I start pushing someone away…and they get needy…and it doesn't exactly work out well."

"I can kind of see that. You did come across as really aloof and a little stuck up at first."

"I am sorry about that. I didn't want you to think that, I was just completely overwhelmed with school stuff."

"No, it's fine. I didn't take it personally, I just thought you were a jerk."

He laughed. "I was."

"Nah, you're fine. I just had to get to know you."

We lay in bed for at least an hour, bodies intertwined, talking about random things before he sighed. "I should probably head home, although I really don't want to."

"Alright." I smiled at him. "Just let me know when you want to get together again."

"Mmm, definitely." He leaned down to kiss me and I closed my eyes, enjoying the way his mouth moved on mine. Eventually, he sat up and sighed again. "I'm going." I moved to get off the bed after him, but he gently pushed me down. "Stay in bed, at least for a while. You should relax. You had a busy day."

"Well if you insist." I grinned.

"I do." He dressed and kissed me again before slipping out the door. I lay back and stretched, content to lie there for a little while. I was comfortable in the bed, but there were a few things I still wanted to do tonight. Eventually, I crawled out of bed and pulled on pajamas. I finished organizing my desk and made a list of things I still needed to buy for classes. A while later there was a knock on the door. I knew it wasn't Edward, but there was a small part of me that was hopeful that he would be standing there when I opened the door. Unfortunately, it was Alice. I held the door for her and she came in and closed it behind her.

She raised her eyebrows at my pajamas and messy hair and said, "so Edward came back I see?"

"Yes." I blushed and then felt idiotic about being embarrassed about it.

"When did that happen? I mean, before today."

"After Rosalie moved and refused to speak to me." I couldn't hide the bitterness in my voice.

"I'm sorry, Bella." Alice looked chagrined. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I was just curious."

"No, it's alright." I sighed. "After she was gone I was having a really shitty night and Edward and I were talking and he offered to help me, and we ended up meeting that night."

"Where did you meet?" she asked, curious.

"The national park. We met at the ranger station near Fairmont."

She raised an eyebrow at me. "That's interesting…"

"No, it was nice. There's a short trail that leads right to the lake and we just sat out there for a while and talked. He gave me this amazing backrub." I smiled, remembering.

"And then what?"

"Well…" I grinned at her.

"Wild crazy monkey sex?"

I laughed. "Pretty much."

"Was that the only other time you guys have hooked up?"

"Other than tonight, yeah."

She nodded. "Well, it sounds like it's going well for you guys."

"I suppose." I shrugged. "I mean it's just sex, but I can't complain about that."

"Is that all you want it to be?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm. Well, just keep an open mind, okay?" I knew where Alice was going with it, but I refused to be dragged into another conversation about my relationship or lack of one with Edward. I had a fantastically fulfilling sexual relationship with no strings attached. What else could I possibly want?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did the lemons in this chapter make up for the lack of lemon in the previous one?
> 
> -What did you think of their conversation about Edward's past?
> 
> -Are you surprised by how okay Bella is with keeping things casual?


	14. Sex on Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know..."Sex on Fire" is an over-used song for Twilight fics, but the sultry mood set just the right tone for their night together so I decided to use it anyway.
> 
> This chapter is a long one, and one I really enjoyed writing. ;)

**Chapter Fourteen: Sex on Fire**

Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound

I know they're watching, they're watching

All the commotion, the kiddie like play

Has people talking, talking

You, your sex is on fire

Consumed with what's to transpire

Hot as a fever, rattling bones

I could just taste it, taste it

If it's not forever, if it's just tonight

It's still the greatest, the greatest, the greatest

You, your sex is on fire

And you, your sex is on fire

Consumed with what's to transpire

-"Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon

* * *

I hesitated before knocking on the door. I'd always been so comfortable at the guys' house, but I suddenly felt strange. It was the first time I'd been there since the Rosalie debacle and I wasn't quite sure how to act. I took a deep breath and knocked softly. A few moments later Emmett opened the door.

"Hey Bella." He smiled at me. "How are you doing?"

"Good. You?"

"I'm good. What are you doing here?"

"Oh, uhm, Edward and I had plans to hang out."

"Oh, alright. C'mon in."

"Thanks." I slipped off my sandals in the entryway and followed him into the living room.

"He's not back yet, I think he has a lesson or something. But he should be on his way."

"Uh, yeah, I talked to him on my way over. I think he'll be here in about fifteen minutes."

"Cool. I'm headed out to the bar with some people from class, so you cool to hang out here if I have to leave before he gets here?"

"Sure. That's fine."

"I'm sorry about Rosalie," I blurted out.

He gave me a sad smile. "You don't have to apologize Bella. You guys...you had no way of knowing."

"I just feel like maybe I should have seen it coming."

He shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. Hell, maybe it's my fault. I was the one trying to push you and Edward together so I could have my chance with her."

"No. Emmett, it's not your fault at all. I think even if it hadn't been for the comment you made, it would have been inevitable. There's just something..." I trailed off, not knowing how to put into words the attraction between Edward and I.

Emmett nodded. "Yeah, maybe. I don't know anything anymore."

"I'm sorry she's gone," I said softly.

He gave me a sweet sad smile. "You didn't make her leave Bella. She was always going to go to NYU, no matter what."

"But...maybe she wouldn't have cut all ties with all of us..." I dropped my head, staring at the scuffed raspberry colored polish on my toes.

We sat there awkwardly for a moment, before Emmett grabbed the remote and started flipping through the channels.

"So um, how are classes going?" he asked.

I looked up. "They're good. I like them a lot actually, most of my profs seem good. But it's only been a week, we'll see."

"Sweet."

It was silent again. I sat there, awkward and nervous for some reason. Emmett had stopped on a channel and we both looked up when we heard moans coming from the tv. He had apparently found soft-core porn on one of the channels and I watched the steamy sexy scene, vaguely fascinated by the couple on the screen.

"Um, shit. Sorry about that." Emmett scrambled for the remote again, desperately trying to change the channel. I laughed uncomfortably, suddenly feeling awkward around Emmett. He finally found a cartoon and settled on that. We sat back to watch it in silence until we heard the front door open.

"Hey." Edward peeked around the door in the living room. "I see your truck made it here in one piece."

"Are you making fun of my truck again?" I asked when he walked into the room. He grinned at me and the familiarity of his smile relaxed me.

"I'm just always amazed that it survives the drive from Seattle to Port Angeles," he teased.

I hesitated, I wanted to go over to him but I wasn't quite sure how much Emmett knew about what was happening between Edward and I, and I felt awkward.

We were all silent for a moment and then Emmett got up and said, "well I should be going, I'm headed out to the bar." He disappeared into the entryway and Edward and I stared at each other for a moment.

"Bye, Emmett," I called.

"Bye, Bella. Later, Edward."

When the door shut Edward pulled me close to kiss me quickly and took my hand to go upstairs.

"Well that was embarrassing," I said when we got up to Edward's room.

"Why, what happened?"

"Nothing really, it's just that obviously Emmett knows why I am here."

He shrugged. "He'll never say anything to anyone about it."

"Oh I know. It's just kind of weird for me." I laughed. "Plus he accidentally put a movie on tv with a rather...uh, graphic scene. It was a little awkward. I think even Emmett blushed."

Edward pinned me up against the closed door and nuzzled my neck with his nose. "Did it give you any ideas?"

"Maybe." I felt a chill run down my spine despite the warmth of the room.

"What kind of ideas? Tell me about them." His lips moved down the side of my neck and across the top of my shoulder. Tension gathered in my belly and slowly spread throughout my body as he teased me.

"Well, it wasn't so much that it gave me any ideas of anything I hadn't already thought of. It mostly just made me impatient."

"Mmm, impatient for what?"

I let out the breath I'd been holding. "Impatient for you to get back."

Edward finally moved his lips from my shoulder and stepped back.

"Well I wouldn't want to make you wait any longer." He slipped the tank top I was wearing off of me and said, "Sorry it's so warm in here, the air conditioning has been acting up."

"It's alright," I sighed. He removed my bra and pushed me gently back onto his bed. "I guess we'll just have to find something we can do without clothes."

He laughed quietly. "I can think of a few things."

"I thought you were clever enough to."

I sighed as his tongue flicked over my nipple.

"Edward," I moaned and fisted my hand in his hair to pull his head to my chest. He sucked at my nipple and lightly grazed his teeth across it.

"God, I'm so wet," I whimpered. He quickly unbuttoned my shorts and slipped them off of me. His fingers slid between my legs and I was soaked. I tugged at his clothes, struggling to get them off of him. He gently pushed my hands away and stripped quickly and buried his fingers inside of me again. I moaned and arched toward him, already ready.

"I want to bend you over my bed," he rasped. I stood up and faced the bed, I bent over and rested my upper body against the mattress. I wiggled my hips at him, trying to provoke a reaction.

"Like this?" I purred.

He lightly smacked my ass and I moaned. My skin tingled where he had spanked me and the sensation shot directly to my pussy.

"Stop being such a tease," he muttered.

He grabbed my hips, positioning himself in between my thighs. He thrust into me deeply and stilled. He leaned over, his lips tracing up and down my spine. I shivered, my back was very sensitive.

"Fuck me, Edward," I begged.

"You are impatient."

"Yes, damn it." He thrust hard inside of me and I moaned. "God yes..."

He didn't waste any more time and thrust quickly and rhythmically inside of me.

His hand gripped my hips, slamming into me with a ferocity I'd never felt from him before. His fist gripped my hair and my head arched back. The slight pain of it turned me on even more and I widened my stance so he could thrust even deeper. I could feel my orgasm building and it was different than the previous ones, more intense. Chills raced through me and I felt like every nerve ending in my body was on fire.

"I'm so close Edward."

"Tell me what you want," he panted.

"I want you to make me come," I moaned and he yanked up a little on my hair and thrust into me again. I rose up a little on my toes and the angle changed.

"That feels so good," I panted. He continued to thrust and I arched my back toward him. He leaned down and I felt his teeth scrape against my shoulder. I shuddered and with another thrust I came, harder than I'd come any of the times we'd been together before.

"Edward." I cried but it came out more of a strangled moan. He didn't stop, even when my muscles clenched down on his cock. He continued to thrust into me but it wasn't long before I heard his breathing get harsh and fast and he groaned as he came. I felt his cock twitch inside of me and he rested his forehead against my back. The feeling of his breath against my sweat slicked skin made me shiver and he moaned a little when it teased his sensitive cock still inside of me. We stayed like that for a while until I felt the strain in my legs from being in one place for so long with his weight resting on me.

"Edward, I need to move," I admitted and he stood up quickly.

"Sorry." We both crawled into bed and lay beside each other.

"No, it's ok, just a little uncomfortable after a while." I stretched lazily and he pulled me close. I laid my head against his chest, drowsy and content.

"Mmm, this is nice though," I purred.

"Mmmhhh." He reached over and turned on the fan. The cool breeze blew over our skin and I shivered a little. My nipples hardened and Edward brushed his fingers lightly across them.

"I love the way you respond," he murmured, and continued to touch me softly. I closed my eyes, concentrating on his touch.

He ran his hands lightly across my skin. He touched every inch of me, gently stroking. His long dexterous fingers moved down my body and gently slipped between my lips. I was still slightly swollen and sensitive from earlier. My pussy was slippery and his fingers easily glided in and out of me. I rocked my hips again, trying to find release.

His thumb brushed against my clit and I shuddered.

"Oh god that feels good." He pulled his thumb away. "Damn it, Edward. What are you doing?"

"Teasing you."

"I noticed," I moaned, arching against him. He kept his fingers moving, but it was never enough to get any sort of relief, the sensations just kept building and building inside of me.

He chuckled. "I don't want to make this too easy for you."

Two of his fingers buried inside of me, moving in and out at an excruciatingly slow pace. I arched my hips, trying to get him even deeper inside of me. He placed a kiss on my chest, and then down to my stomach and right thigh and I held my breath, hoping that he'd move to my pussy. But he lifted his head and continued to thrust his fingers slowly inside of me.

"I'm so close."

"I know. I can feel it." He grinned at me.

He removed his fingers and I actually growled. "Damn it, Edward. You're driving me crazy."

"I'm having a lot of fun with that too," he teased me. I dug my hands into the tangled sheets below me, trying to control myself a little. I gritted my teeth to keep from begging him again. If he was going to tease me...I could control my reactions to him, it was as simple as that. His fingers slipped back inside of me and I closed my eyes, trying to keep from moaning out loud. Maybe not quite so simple.

His fingers were stretching me, although not nearly as much as his cock had earlier and the scent of my arousal filled the air. The room was still very warm and a bead of sweat dripped from my forehead and fell onto the pillowcase under my head. I tossed my head back and forth on the pillow and arched into his fingers desperate for a release.

"Are you getting close Bella? he whispered. I didn't respond, but let my legs fall open further so he could get deeper inside of me.

"Do you like the way I touch you? The way I make you come?

I couldn't seem to form the words so I merely nodded and he continued. "I like watching you come apart under my touch, the way your arousal drips down my fingers, the way you taste."

I shuddered with pleasure. "God I love it when you talk to me like that," I moaned.

"You like me talking dirty? Telling you how wet and hot you are around my fingers, how much I want that around my cock, how deep my cock could go inside of you?"

"Mmm."

He added a third finger and I bowed up off the bed, fingers gripping the sheets below me, a strangled scream ripped from my throat.

"Augggggggh," I cried, my body shuddering with pleasure. It was intense, particularly on top of the orgasm I'd had earlier. Without removing his fingers he slid down to lap at my clit. I came, over and over until I was shaking from the exertion. I let go of the sheets and weakly pushed at his head.

"Too much," I panted. He pulled away and gently slid his fingers out from inside of me.

I groaned, even that set off tiny aftershocks of pleasure within me. He laid next to me on the bed as I came down from the hazy pleasure I'd been lost in.

"I am never moving again," I sighed. "Too relaxed."

"We are disgustingly sweaty though," he murmured against my hair. "Want to take a shower with me?"

"Eventually. I need a moment to recover."

He kissed my shoulder and chuckled quietly. When I finally had the energy I groaned and sat up. He took my hand and I stumbled into the bathroom behind him. My legs were still quivering and weak. The lukewarm water felt good against my overheated skin and he wrapped his arms around me. He pressed me against the tiles and I gasped at the sensation of the cold against my bare skin.

"Too cold?" He pulled me away from the wall. I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned back against the wall.

"No, it felt kind of nice, it just startled me."

He groaned as my breasts brushed against his chest. "You feel good."

"You feel good too," I admitted. His muscles were hard against me and I ran my hands up and down his arms, I liked the way they flexed under my touch.

"I'm glad you came over tonight," Edward said as he brushed his lips across my forehead and I felt my eyes close involuntarily.

"Mmm, me too. This is nice."

"I'm also glad I finally lured you into my bed." He moved his lips to my cheek and down over my jaw to my neck. I squirmed in his arms and I felt him start to harden against my thigh.

"Technically, you still haven't had me in your bed." I sighed, leaning my head against the wall to give him better access to my neck.

"We can rectify that when we get out of the shower," he murmured and flicked his tongue out to taste my skin.

"Uhhh, how about right here in the shower?" I was wet and aching again, ready to be filled by him. "Please," I whispered.

He brushed his hand over my stomach and down between my legs. I was still wet and my flesh parted easily.

"Not your fingers, you." I begged.

"You want my cock inside you?"

"Yes."

He spun me around and wrapped his hands around my hips, lifting me until I was balanced on my toes. I felt him bend his knees and position himself against my opening. With one thrust he was inside of me and I moaned, eager to feel more.

"Yes, Edward," I cried.

He tightened his arm around my waist to brace himself and thrust hard inside of me. I leaned forward, bracing my hands on the slick tiles, trying to keep my balance.

"Fuck, Bella, you feel so good," he groaned in my ear. Our slick, wet skin slid together and when I pressed my upper body against the wall the cold tile hardened my nipples. The shower filled with warm steam and I felt myself grow lightheaded, dizzy from both the heat and the pleasure.

"Shit, I'm not going to last long," he panted and the arm that was around me moved lower, to press against my clit and his free hand shifted to lean against the wall to give him more leverage.

"I don't care," I gasped.

"No, I want you to come too." His fingers worked my clit, quickly bringing me close to orgasm.

"I'm almost there."

He thrust harder inside of me, and pinched my clit lightly between his fingers. I moaned and my muscles clenched around his cock. He gasped and shuddered against me, panting my name against my hair.

"So good," he groaned. We stood there for a moment in the steamy shower, until he had regained his breath. He stepped back and slipped out from inside of me. I turned to face him and he pulled me close to him. My arms went around his waist and I rested my head against his chest. I could hear his heart thump strongly under my ear and I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of our wet skin pressed together.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"Thank you for what?" I asked, my lips against the smooth skin of his chest.

"Everything."

I looked up at him, puzzled. "You're welcome?"

He smiled at me and didn't say anything else. We finished showering and when we stepped out he toweled me dry. I went to crawl into the bed and he stopped me.

"Wait, let's change the sheets first." I helped him strip the bed and place new sheets on it, amused at the domesticity of the moment. When we got in bed I stretched on the crisp clean sheets feeling deliriously happy and content.

"Mmm, your bed is amazing," I moaned. He didn't respond and I opened my eyes to see him staring at my tits.

"You are amazing." His voice was husky and he leaned over to press a kiss to my right breast. My stomach rumbled and he grinned at me. "Work up an appetite?"

"Maybe a little," I admitted.

"Why don't we order something? I'm sure neither of us is feeling much like cooking or going out right now." He ran a hand across my stomach and I squirmed under his touch.

"Sure, that sounds good. What did you have in mind?"

"Do you like Thai food?"

"I love it actually."

"There's a great Thai place that delivers, although I don't know if I have a menu anywhere." He frowned. "I can try to find one online."

"As long as they have spring rolls, tom yum soup and Pad Thai I will be happy."

"Definitely. Some of the best Pad Thai around actually."

He placed the order and we lazed around in bed while we waited. He absently stroked my skin again. It seemed like he did it unconsciously. If I was there with him he had to have his hands on me. It relaxed me, made me feel safe and comfortable. There was a dim light on beside the bed and I looked over at Edward, examining his features. His eyes were closed, dark lashes thick against his cheeks and his lips were curved into a small smile.

"I can feel you watching me," he teased. I rolled onto my back, my cheeks pink.

"Was not."

"Were too." He slid over next to me and propped himself on one arm to stare at me. "It's ok. I know I'm pretty."

I smacked his shoulder lightly. "And modest."

"Of course."

I stared at him a moment longer. His eyes were a warm amber color, somewhere between gold and brown.

"Your eyes _are_ really pretty."

"Thanks. I'm kind of partial to yours actually."

I made a face. "They're really not that exciting."

"I beg to differ. Every time you look at me with those huge brown eyes I get completely lost. I feel like I can't stop myself from touching you. Wanting to be as deep inside of you as possible." His voice grew low and seductive.

I smiled. "I'm not sure that has anything to do with my eyes. I think it's called being a horny guy in his 20's."

"Bella, I've _never_ been like this with anyone else before. I've never had a problem with stamina but this is unreal. Do you realize how long I was able to stay hard inside of you and how many times I came already tonight? That's not...typical. It's because of you."

I blushed a little and pulled his head down to mine. "Well, I have no one to compare you to, but even with my limited experience, I'd say it was pretty incredible, whatever the reasons." I kissed him and he sighed against me.

The doorbell rang and we both jumped. Edward got out of bed and tugged on a pair of pajama pants. "I'll be back in a minute."

He kissed my forehead and quietly closed the door behind him. I relaxed back into his bed and took a moment to really look around the room. I'd seen it from the hall but I'd never been in his room before and I had been far too distracted to pay attention earlier. The colors were simple, and they suited him. The walls were tan, and all of the furniture was made from a dark wood. The bed was massive and took up most of the room, the only other things in the room were a dresser, nightstand and desk and chair. There was a laptop on the desk and the room was immaculately clean. Somehow that didn't surprise me, Edward was very meticulous about things. There wasn't much in the way of decorations; just a couple of lamps and several framed black and white photographs on the walls. It was hard to tell from where I was laying on the bed but they looked like architectural prints. The covers on the bed were a dark bottle green and the sheets were white and very soft. I sighed contently and snuggled into the bed, drifting a little as I waited for him to come back. I opened my eyes lazily when I heard the door open.

"I come bearing gifts."

"I see that." I sat up in bed and drew the sheet up around me. "Dinner in bed, does it get any more decadent?"

"Naked dinner in bed after some mind blowing sex?"

I sighed happily. "What a tragic life I lead."

He crawled into bed beside me and unpacked the food. I dipped the spring roll into the sauce and took a bite.

"Oh my god, this is fantastic," I moaned

He smiled at me. "I thought you'd like it."

I wolfed mine down and reached for the soup. "I was way hungrier than I realized."

"Yeah, me too," he admitted. "You made me ravenous."

The soup was spicy and sour and I ate it quickly also. I finally slowed down after I'd taken a few bites of my Pad Thai.

"This place is so good. Thanks." I smiled at him.

"We should get it next time you're over."

"Sure, sounds good." I was vaguely surprised that he was so intent on there being a next time. Although making plans for food wasn't exactly much of a commitment, what was happening between Edward and I was nothing like I'd expected it to be. Then again, what did I know about an arrangement like this?

"Want a bite?" I held up my Pad Thai.

"Yes please."

We traded containers and I looked down at his. "What exactly did you get?"

"I always forget the Thai name, I usually just order the number fourteen, but it's basically chicken and potatoes in a curry coconut sauce."

I took a bite. "Oh wow, this is so good. The potatoes are kind of unexpected...but I like them."

"Me too. It's one of my favorite dishes there. Have you ever had Vietnamese food?"

I shook my head. "No. What's it like?"

"Really fresh flavors, lots of cilantro, lemongrass and chili. There are a couple of places in Seattle I like, Green Leaf is amazing, really authentic."

"Sounds good. I'm still trying to find good food around campus."

"How's the caf food?"

"Eh, mediocre. They have a decent salad bar, and pretty good soups though, so I eat that a lot. It's probably completely deadly but I have to admit I like the macaroni and cheese."

Edward laughed. "I still remember it actually. You should have seen the amounts of it that Emmett used to eat. Truly frightening."

"I can imagine." We finished our dinner and after he put the leftovers in the refrigerator downstairs we laid back on the bed, relaxed and content.

I stretched and turned to face him. "Thanks for tonight. It's been really nice."

"You're welcome." His hand came to rest on my upper thigh and he brushed his thumb over my skin. I broke out in goosebumps and shifted on the bed, suddenly aroused again. I didn't know what Edward did to me, but I couldn't help my responses to his touch. His hand crept closer to my wet heat and at the last second pulled away to move to my nipples. His fingers brushed across them and they hardened immediately. I moaned quietly and he smiled down at me.

"Is that good?" he asked huskily.

"Yes." His lips followed his fingers and I gasped as his tongue rasped across my nipple. He bit lightly at it, scraping his teeth across and I shuddered under him. "So good."

He spent several minutes just teasing me and I panted, arching my body into him. I wrapped my fingers around his hard cock and he jerked against me, muttering my name.

"I want you inside of me, Edward."

He rolled on top of me and I guided him to my entrance.

"Please," I begged, needing more. He hovered there, just outside of me and I pushed my hips toward him.

"I need to feel you." He gripped my hip and pushed just a little way inside me and stopped. I was sensitive from earlier and I gasped at the feeling of him. In a moment he slid in further and I clenched my muscles around him. He slowly moved in and out of me. Both of us were covered in a light sheen of sweat.

"Edward, you're torturing me again," I groaned.

He grinned. "I know. You need to learn to be patient though."

"I don't want to be patient," I muttered.

"Trust me, it'll be worth it. I'll tie you up if I have to." He grabbed my arms and lifted them over my head, trapping both of them in place with one hand. His other hand reached down to tease my nipples. They were already sensitive.

I groaned. "That is not helping the situation, Edward."

"Do you want to be tied up?"

I shivered. "Fuck yes. Although not right now...right now I just want to come."

"Not yet." He gave me a cocky grin.

"Edward," I whined. "Please, I'm getting desperate. I'm so close."

"I know. I want you to be."

I threw back my head and moaned. "Please, Edward."

"No." He thrust slowly in and out of me, never quite fast or hard enough to make me come. I could hear my breathing in the quiet room. It was harsh and desperate sounding. The sweat pooled between my breasts and our skin slid together, hot and slick. I arched my back and the breeze from the fan brushed across my nipples and they hardened even further. I was so close, right on the edge. I ground my hips against his, and my head thrashed back and forth, desperately seeking release. I wrapped my legs around his hips and tilted mine, trying to get more friction against my clit.

"God, Edward, I swear...I'll do anything if you make me come."

He sounded amused. "All I want is for you to be patient."

I ground my teeth together and contracted my inner muscles. I saw his jaw clench, but his rhythm didn't change. I kept it up but I found it was torturing me more than him. I kept getting infinitesimally closer to an orgasm but it wasn't enough.

"Tell me how it feels," he said.

"God, I'm on fire. I can't even think straight. I ache so bad."

"Mmm, I like that. What else?"

"I feel so full with you inside of me. Stretching me."

"I know, you're so tight around my cock, Bella." His fingers gripped my hips a little harder and I knew that his control was finally slipping. I arched my hips into his and clenched my inner muscles again.

"I want to feel you come inside of me," I breathed and he finally lost it. With a savage groan he thrust hard inside of me and we both came. He shuddered over and over chanting my name, almost incoherent. With a few frenzied thrusts I shuddered around him, my head thrown back in pleasure. He rested his head against my breasts for a moment while I stroked his damp hair. He pressed kisses to the skin just below my collarbone. Eventually he groaned and rolled to his side.

"Sorry, I was probably crushing you."

I shook my head. "It was nice."

He pulled me close. "Even though we're both disgustingly sweaty?"

"Even then."

I could feel him smile against my cheek. "You do realize we're going to have to shower again."

I sighed. "I know...how terrible. I'm going to have to shower with the hot guy who just fucked me senseless. God my life really is tragic."

He laughed. "Truly." We were both silent for a while, breathing slowly and deeply.

"You aren't upset at me for earlier are you?" He asked eventually.

"Upset at you? No. Why would I be upset?"

"Well, I was kind of...uh...authoritative. I didn't exactly do what you wanted me to."

I chuckled. "For several orgasms like that...I can live with it. No, honestly I don't mind playing around like that. It's kind of hot."

"Good. I just started to second guess myself."

I shook my head. "Don't. If I don't want to do something I'll tell you and make it very obvious that I'm not enjoying myself."

"So you did enjoy it?"

"Couldn't you tell?" I grinned at him.

"I just wanted to be sure."

"It was...frustrating to say the least...but completely worth it."

"I'm glad to hear it." He kissed my cheek.

"So what are your plans for tonight?" I asked. I hoped I hadn't overstayed my welcome already.

"My plans?" he sounded puzzled.

"Yeah, did you have plans to go out or anything? I can head out whenever."

"Oh, no. I just wanted to spend some time with you. You should stay," Edward said. "Unless you made plans."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "I don't have anything else going on but I don't mind driving home." I was so afraid of pushing him too much, or making him think I was clingy. I saw how things had fallen apart with Rosalie and I didn't want to make the same mistakes.

"No, I want you to stay. Honestly, I think it would be nice to fall asleep together again."

"Ok. Just let me text Alice so she doesn't worry when I don't come home."

"Alright." Edward rolled onto his back while I sent the message.

I tossed my phone onto the bedside table. "I didn't say where I was, just that I was out and that I'd be back tomorrow."

"Why didn't you say where you were?" He rolled toward me and brushed away a strand of hair that was clinging to my neck.

"I just wasn't sure how big of a deal you want to make about all of this. I think everyone knows by now...but I dunno...I wasn't sure if you wanted me to say anything about it."

He looked surprised. "I don't care, I'm not embarrassed."

I hurried to reassure him, "I'm not either. I just didn't want to make a big deal about all of it."

"That's fine." He smiled at me. "Tell them whatever you feel comfortable with. I'm fine either way."

"Alright."

We lay there silent for a moment. It was awkward and I hurried to change the subject,

"So what do you have to do around here that doesn't involve clothing?"

He laughed. "Well..." He winked and grinned at me.

"Other than that. You have a one track mind but I think even you need a little bit of a break after that marathon."

Edward laughed again. "Maybe a little break. We could watch a movie or something."

"That sounds good. Although, I think another shower might be an even better idea right now."

"Shower and then a movie. Sounds good." He kissed me and dragged me out of bed. We showered quickly, mostly to cool down and wash away the sweat. We changed the sheets before we got into bed again and I sat on it wrapped in only the top sheet while we haggled over what movie to watch. We finally settled on "Weekend at Bernies".

"How have you never seen this before?" he asked me, horrified.

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"It's a classic."

He put the disc in the dvd player and crawled back into bed with me. He pulled the sheet up over us and drew me close. We were both on our sides and the tv was across the room on his dresser. I snuggled back into his arms, liking the way his arm closed around my waist to tuck me tighter against him. For the most part we watched the movie in silence. Edward played with my hair and ran his hands over my bare skin. By the end of the movie I was feeling impatient again.

"You're such a tease, you know that?" I rolled over and pushed him flat onto his back. I kissed him, and he feigned an innocent look.

"Me?"

"Yes you."

"What did I do?"

"I thought you wanted me to watch the movie, I was so distracted I could hardly focus on it."

"I wasn't trying to distract you."

"You were touching me. Trust me, it's distracting."

"Sorry." He grinned at me. "Did you actually pay any attention to the movie?"

"More or less."

"So if I was distracting you, what were you thinking about instead of the movie?"

"I'm not telling."

"You're not telling huh? What if I made you?" he teased.

"Ha. Like you could make me," I scoffed.

"I have my ways." He waggled his eyebrows at me and I lightly swatted at his chest.

"How about I just show you what I was thinking?" I offered.

"I like the sound of that."

I straddled him, my legs on either side of his waist, my wet center pressed against the muscles of his stomach. I almost moaned when I leaned down to kiss him, my hair falling around us, tickling my cheek. I kissed him hard, no teasing this time, just showing him how badly I needed him inside of me. I could feel his hands start to move up to my breasts and I grabbed them and held them over his head.

"Don't move." I said, smiling at him. "This is my turn."

He grinned at me and obeyed. I kept my hands loosely on his wrists as I moved my lips to his ear. I felt him shudder beneath me and I moaned.

I slid back and let go of his hands. They moved to my hips and he helped me lower myself on top of his hard cock.

"God you're beautiful," he said fervently. "I love seeing you on top of me." His words dissolved into a moan as I completely covered him. His fingers gripped my hips harder and moved me up and down on his cock. I rested my hands on his chest and closed my eyes. This position put him at a completely different angle inside of me and it was hitting a very good spot. I moved faster and he moaned. I could feel my breasts bouncing with my movements, my nipples tight even in the warm air. A trickle of sweat dripped down my neck and trailed down my spine. My skin was flushed and damp and my hair hung heavy across my back. My head fell back as I rode him and my eyes closed. I felt powerful like this, beautiful. I liked the way I could control his response to me.

"Bella," he sighed, his hands tracing up and down my waist to the swell of my hips. His fingers tightened when I moved my hips in a circular motion, wringing a strangled groan from his lips. "Jesus that feels good. I want to come inside you."

I didn't reply, just reached down to touch my clit and grind down harder on him. He threw his head back and thrust up at me, gripping my hips as his cock throbbed inside of me. I came too, collapsing forward onto his chest, panting with pleasure. We lay like that for a while until I finally moved off of him. Edward was half asleep but he mumbled when I crawled out of bed. I knew neither of us would feel like showering again so I went to the bathroom to get a damp cloth. Edward woke up long enough to help me clean up and I crawled into bed beside him, pulling just the sheet over us. He nuzzled against the skin between my shoulder blades and wrapped an arm around my waist to pull me close. We were both asleep within minutes.

The air conditioner kicked on sometime in the middle of the night and I shivered, suddenly chilled by the rush of cool air. I reached across Edward to shut off the fan and pull the covers up over us. He was sleeping deeply, but he stirred enough to turn onto his back and pull me close. I rested my head against his chest and breathed in his scent. I hadn't expected him to want me to stay, despite what he'd said before. I was surprised that he wanted me there. I would have expected him to want me to leave, to minimize the level of intimacy between us. But he had sounded absolutely shocked when I'd said I was going to leave. There were a lot of things about Edward that surprised me. The way he said my name, the way he twisted his fingers into my hair, the look in his eyes when he thought I wasn't watching him. They were all so tender, so sweet. There was more to Edward than I'd ever imagined. I didn't understand where this was going, but I was happy to take whatever he had to offer.

In the morning I woke up a few minutes before he did and I watched him sleep. Falling asleep in his arms was wonderful; it had been a long time since I'd slept that deeply. His eyes opened with a flutter of long lashes and he gave me a sleepy smile when they finally opened.

"How long have you been awake?"' he asked, his voice slightly hoarse from sleep.

"Not long." I stretched and I felt his cock harden against my thigh. Just the feel of it, and seeing him rumpled and relaxed made my pussy clench with anticipation. He gave me a crooked smile as if he could read my mind and I smiled back at him. I looked at his eyes and was startled to realize they looked completely different from the night before.

"What color are your eyes?" I blurted out.

He looked at me, confused. "I dunno. Hazel I guess. They kind of change depending on what I'm wearing and stuff. Why?"

"Because last night when we went to bed they were gold and now they're green."

He shrugged. "They've always been like that."

"It's sort of disconcerting," I muttered.

"Why?"

"I feel like I'm in bed with a different guy," I admitted.

He laughed. "Trust me, I'm the same guy. Still insanely turned on by you." He grabbed me and pulled me close. His cock was hard against my ass and I wiggled against him, teasing him. "You do realize there are consequences for actions like that, right?"

"What kind of consequences?"

"Oh, I don't think you'll have too many complaints."

He kissed my shoulder as he slid into me and I eagerly moved against him. We both came quickly and then took a leisurely shower, exploring each other's bodies with our mouths. After, we dressed and ate cereal for breakfast in the kitchen. Emmett was nowhere to be found, apparently still asleep, and I knew Jasper was at Alice's. We ended up with soggy bowls of cereal when we kept getting distracted by heated make-out sessions that left me panting and turned on. I left an hour later than I'd originally planned because we couldn't keep our hands off each other. When I finally tore myself away he gave me a thorough kiss goodbye at the front door and I drove back to Seattle, happy and sated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think of Emmett's conversation with Bella?
> 
> Were you surprised by the way she and Edward interact?


	15. Lover

**Chapter Fifteen: Lover**

Fill me up, don't stop

Just a little deeper, baby

Give it your best shot

Although it seems

A little too fast for you

Do you think I'm too rough for you

Lover I will come for you

Lover, anytime you want me to

Lover, I'll be there for you

Lover Lover Lover

Give me some

let's get it on

Just a little harder baby

Gotta come on strong

If you want

I'll set you free

Gotta give you big time sexuality

Lover, I will come for you

Lover anytime you want me to

Lover I'll be there for you

Lover Lover Lover

Be my mean sex machine

Come and take my body

And cover me with cream

If you're good

I'll lick it up for you

If you're bad

I'll come all over you

Come all over you

Lover, I will come for you

Lover anytime you want me to

Lover I'll be there for you

Lover Lover Lover

Lover, I will come for you

Lover anytime you want me to

Lover I'll be there for you

Lover Lover Lover

-"Lover" by Lords of Acid

* * *

"Get up Bella!" I could hear Alice call through the door.

"Go away," I muttered.

"But it's your birthday!"

"I know, and what I want for my birthday is to sleep," I yelled through the door.

"Not a chance," she said pounding on the door again.

I dragged myself out of bed long enough to unlock the door and then stumbled back into the room. I flopped down on the couch before Alice could even open the door.

"Why won't you just go away?" I moaned; my face buried in a pillow.

"Because we have plans!" she chirped. I could hear her rummaging through my closet, no doubt picking out clothing for me.

"At this hour?"

"Yes. We have appointments at the salon, and then we're going shopping for something fabulous to wear tonight."

"What are we doing tonight?" my voice was still muffled by the pillow. I desperately hoped that I would somehow manage to smother myself and I wouldn't have to get up.

"Going to dinner and then out dancing! It'll be so much fun."

I sighed, the enthusiasm coming off of Alice was exhausting and I knew I didn't have the energy to fight her anymore.

"Who is going?" I finally sat up and she grinned at me.

"Edward of course, Jasper and I, Emmett and some chick he's dating, I think her name is Lacey." Alice tossed clothing on the bed. "Angela and Ben and maybe Jessica."

"That sounds nice." I eyed the clothes she'd picked out. Jeans and a sweater, no heels in sight. "Thanks for the clothes. They're suspiciously comfortable looking. Do I sense an ulterior motive?"

"Maybe."

"Spill it."

"Well, I figured it would put you in a better mood and you'd be more likely to go along with my plans for you."

"Plans?" I was still groggy, but that scared me a little.

"I just had an idea for what you should wear tonight, and what they should do with your hair."

I raised my eyebrows at her. "We'll see."

"Fine," she huffed. "Go get ready. We're wasting time."

I dragged the clothes into the bathroom and quickly showered and changed. I didn't bother with makeup and I put my wet hair up in a ponytail. _Good enough_ , I thought. By the time I got back to the room Alice had a travel mug full of coffee ready for me and I sipped it gratefully as we walked outside. Alice could get a little over zealous occasionally, but she was thoughtful. Most of the time. Truthfully, we'd made quite a few salon and shopping trips before and I always had fun. I was mostly just grumpy because I hadn't been able to sleep in.

It was cool and cloudy out but not actually raining for once and the trees were just barely beginning to turn colors. We walked in silence to her car and I noticed the dew on the grass and the crisp smell in the air. The season was beginning to change. I always loved the weather for my birthday, it was right on the edge of fall but never so late that that it was cold and miserable.

I drank my coffee and half listened to Alice chatter excitedly about the plans for the upcoming night on the ride to the salon. The salon visit was actually really wonderful. They had food for brunch set up for us, and I let the sounds of the salon wash over me while they worked on my nails and hair. They didn't change anything drastic on my hair, just added a few long layers and some shorter ones for side bangs, but it turned out well. They straightened it, and it looked great for a night out. The hand and foot massages lulled me into a dreamy haze and I left the salon with a smile.

"So I was thinking that you needed something really fabulous for tonight," Alice said as we walked into the mall.

"Like what?"

"Like a fun little dress. Something to get Edward's attention."

I turned to look at her. "What do you mean?"

"Are you telling me you aren't interested in him anymore?"

"No."

"So you are interested in him?"

"Yes. Are you happy?"

She grinned. "Immensely."

"Well, he's already interested in me, why do I need to get his attention?"

"Just to keep things fun."

We were in a store now and I idly flipped through racks of dresses, letting Alice do most of the work. She kept piling things into my arms to try on and I groaned.

"So how is it?" she asked after a few minutes.

"How is what?" I was momentarily confused.

"How is it with Edward?"

"Amazing," I admitted.

She hauled me off to the dressing room and we talked through the door. I kept trying to keep my voice down, not wanting the entire store to hear about my sex life but I wasn't sure how successful I was.

"So this is a regular thing with him now?" she asked.

"Yes."

I pulled off my clothes and put on the first dress. It was a bright magenta and I almost ripped it in my haste to get it off. I threw it over the door to Alice. "This dress is awful. What were you thinking?"

"It wouldn't kill you to wear some bright colors you know," she teased me.

"I like black. Leave me alone." I put on the next dress and examined it in the mirror. "Anyway, about Edward. Yeah, it's a regular thing. At least until we get bored with each other or something. I'm sure he'll get tired of me eventually."

"What about you, will you get tired of him?" she asked.

I sighed. "I don't know. So far it's been totally mind blowing. Kind of addictive actually, we can't seem to keep our hands off of each other. But I have no idea how long that'll last."

The next dress was awful too. I tossed it to Alice and put on a third. It was an electric blue silk and despite being a little brighter than I normally wore I really liked it. I stepped out of the changing room to show her.

"What do you think?"

"I think you guys are great together. Have you thought anymore about anything more serious than just hooking up?"

"I was talking about the dress."

"Oh!" She carefully examined me and made me spin in a circle. "I like it. But let's keep looking."

I rolled my eyes and went back into the room.

"And to answer your earlier question, no I haven't really thought about anything more serious. I mean…it's Edward. He's hardly the serious relationship type. And I'm not sure I am at the moment either. I've seen plenty of cute guys in my classes. I'm not ready to settle down yet, even if he were interested."

She laughed. "Are you actually seeing any of those other hot guys?

"Well no…but I could." She laughed at me again.

"I like having options," I protested.

"I guess I don't see the appeal."

"It never bothers you that you're with Jasper? I mean, that you can't be with anyone but him," I asked her.

I slipped on a handful of dresses that ranged between tolerable but boring to god-awful and just as quickly slipped them off.

"No, not really," she said thoughtfully. "I mean I won't say I haven't thought about it but Jasper and I just work. It's easy being with him."

"That's good," I said.

"But it's not too easy," she added. "He challenges me. He makes me want to be a better person."

"It does seem like you've mellowed out some since you met him," I said.

"I'm trying."

I put on the final dress in the pile and gasped. "Holy shit Alice, I think I've found it!"

I came out of the dressing room and she gasped too. "That's amazing."

It was a dark shimmering silver silk, almost a pewter color. It was sleeveless and had a deep v-neck, with a skirt that stopped just above my knees. There were pleated details at the waist and bust that made me look much more curvy than I really was.

"I love it Alice," I said.

She beamed. "Now all we need our shoes and a clutch and you'll be smokin'! Edward won't be able to keep his hands off of you."

I laughed. "That's not really a problem even when I'm in jeans and a tshirt."

"Yeah, but you'll also have every other guy in the place drooling, and we'll see how he reacts to that."

"I don't care how he reacts to other guys drooling over me. But it is gorgeous. Come on you crazy girl, let's buy this and then go find shoes. I want to take a nap before we go out."

"I'm buying." She took the dress from my hands and went over to the register. "It's one of your birthday gifts."

"But you already paid for the stuff at the salon," I protested.

"Just part of the birthday extravaganza."

I shook my head. "You know I don't need a birthday extravaganza. But whatever, if you insist I won't argue any more." I knew how much Alice loved buying things for people. It had taken me years to get used to the idea but other than a few token protests I usually indulged her. She had the money and yet she never made me feel bad for not being able to contribute as much as she did. Plus, I could always see how happy it made her.

"Good." She smiled smugly at me. "It's much easier when you just give in to me."

She dragged me through three more stores before I finally escaped with some terrifyingly tall black heels and a sparkling silver purse.

"So what are you wearing?" I asked.

"Oh, I found this really fabulous dress last week. It's black with a really fun bright geometric print."

"How very 80's." I laughed. "Better you than me."

She stuck her tongue out at me. "I do need earrings for it though, can we do that and then head out?"

I groaned but followed her. She found them quickly and I collapsed in the car gratefully.

"No more shopping. I'm going home."

"Fine."

I slept for an hour and a half before I woke up to Alice pounding on my door again. "Time to get ready Bella."

"Alice," I said as I yanked open the door, "my neighbors are going to murder you in your sleep one night. They're going to come as a torch wielding mob and I'm not going to stop them."

She grinned. "Ok, Grumpy. Time to make yourself beautiful."

I took another shower, careful to keep my hair from getting wet. I let Alice do my makeup and touch up my hair and then I slipped into a sheer black bra and thong. _Just in case,_ I thought. The dress fit like a glove and the warm air from the shower had relaxed the wrinkles in it. Alice was dressed and ready by the time I was done and all I had left to do was put on the ridiculously high heels, and grab my new purse and a black wrap. Alice begged and pouted until a girl down the hall took pictures of us and we left for the restaurant.

"The birthday girl is here!" Alice called out when we got there. Everyone else was already sitting at the table and she shoved me in beside Edward.

"Hey," I said.

He stared at me for a moment, dumbstruck. "Hey. Wow."

"How are you?" I asked.

"I'm…good. Wow. You look…amazing." He blinked a few times and then shook his head. "Happy Birthday by the way."

"Thanks," I said.

He looked pretty amazing too. He was dressed simply, in black pants and a black button down shirt with the sleeves partially rolled up. But the black made his eyes look especially bright, they were a vibrant green and as always I had the overwhelming urge to run my hands through his hair. My eyes paused briefly at his lips and I wanted to lean in and kiss him, but I wasn't sure if he'd be alright with it. I settled for a hug and was surprised when he kissed me on the cheek.

"Do you want a drink?" he asked.

"Sure. A martini sounds nice."

"Gin or vodka?"

"Gin, with a twist of lemon."

I glanced down at his drink, he had a martini too, but with olives.

"Dirty martini?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Yeah." He smiled. "Ever had one?"

"Nope."

"You can try mine," he offered.

I took a sip. "Hmm, not bad. Vodka, right?"

"Yeah."

"I think I still like gin better, but the olives are good." I snagged it out of his drink and popped it into my mouth, noticing the way his eyes followed my fingers as I licked them clean.

He snagged the waitress and ordered my drink for me. I realized I'd been ignoring everyone else at the table so I turned to talk to Angela and Ben. I vaguely noticed when my drink arrived and I sipped it carefully, not wanting to drink too much before dinner. Edward was deep in the middle of a conversation with Emmett when I felt his hand graze across the side of my thigh. I thought it was accidental, at first, until it happened again just a few minutes later.

He did it a few more times and I found myself getting distracted. I was supposed to be reading the menu but I had a hard time focusing.

"What are you going to order?" I asked him.

"I'm not sure yet. Maybe the Chicken Alfredo Fettuccine."

"That sounds good."

"What about you?"

I glanced at the menu again. Now his hand was resting on my thigh, my dress had rode up a little on my thighs and his skin felt scorching hot against mine. "Chicken Marsala I think."

His hand inched higher and I took a deep breath. The waitress came for our orders and I gulped my drink faster than I'd planned to once I was done ordering.

"So what did Alice have in store for you today?" he asked.

I took a bite of the spinach dip and bread that someone had ordered for an appetizer. "The salon and then shopping."

"Is that when you got the dress?" he asked.

"Yes. It was a birthday gift from Alice."

"Remind me to thank her," he murmured in my ear. "You have no idea what it's doing to me." His hand had continued slowly inching higher up my leg as we talked. I decided to pay him back a little.

"Don't I?" I purred and placed my hand directly in his lap. He was already hard and I heard him draw in a sharp breath. I left my hand there, not moving a muscle.

"Was that your goal for tonight?" he asked.

"I believe the general plan-as described by Alice-was to make guys fall at my feet," I teased him.

"It's working," he said.

"I hadn't noticed," I replied.

He nudged my shoulder. "See the two guys at the bar there? In the suits?"

"Yeah," I said, trying to be discreet when I looked over at them.

"They've been staring at you since you got here."

"That will make Alice happy," I said, and gently squeezed his cock. He shuddered and moved his hand higher on inside of my leg, resting just below my warmth. I wasn't sure how much further we could take this before everyone at the table started to notice. Alice was already shooting me triumphant glances and Jasper had given the two of us a raised eyebrow.

I turned to Emmett's date. "So how did you and Emmett meet, Lacey?"

She was pretty, but her bleached blond hair and a fake tan made her look a little like a Barbie wannabe.

She smiled at me. "Oh, it was kind of funny. We met at a frat party."

I refrained from grimacing, she had a high breathy voice and it grated on my nerves. I waited for her to say more about what was so funny about their meeting but she didn't continue.

"So it was funny that you met at a frat party?" I asked, confused.

"Yeah, hilarious right?"

I stared at her. "I guess I'm missing something."

"Emmett isn't even IN a frat."

I stared at her for a second and then threw my head back and laughed, Edward did too and soon the whole table was nearly in tears. She smiled at me.

"See…it's a hilarious, right?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that we were laughing at her, not the story. I rolled my eyes at Emmett and he gave me a sheepish little shrug. I sighed, knowing he was still pining after Rosalie. I wondered if he was deliberately going after girls that he knew he'd never fall for.

I forgot all about it when I felt Edward's hand on my thigh again. I scooted forward in the seat and opened my legs a little. He arched an eyebrow at me and then smiled when he felt my hips restlessly shifting on the seat. His hand teased at the soft skin on my inner thighs. He never went further with it, just teasing little brushes and soft touches that made me wonder just how long I was going to make it that night without dragging him off into some dark corner and having my way with him.

We managed to finish eating without causing too much of a scene, although Alice gave me a pointed look when he fed me a bite of his raspberry cheesecake and swiped his thumb across my bottom lip to brush away a tiny piece that lingered there. She turned to look at Jasper when he said something and she missed the fact that my tongue peeked out to lick the tip of his thumb, and the way his eyes dilated in reaction. However, Emmett didn't, and he gave us a half smile before turning away.

I felt high. On Edward and the drinks and the sexual tension. The club was hot, and the music was loud and I couldn't stop touching him. I was overwhelmed with it and felt like I was losing my mind. I was pure sensation; sweaty and wanting. I shimmied against him, feeling the music in every inch of my body. My hand slid under his shirt, trying to tease him. His muscles were hard and well defined under my roaming hands. I was breathless and shivering and my whole body ached. I'd never wanted sex so badly.

I whispered in his ear, "fuck me Edward." But he just smiled. His hand brushed against my nipple and then darted away. Despite the heat there were goose bumps all over my body. I dragged my nails down his back, stroked his hard cock through his pants, and whispered again, "fuck me".

He smiled again, agreeing to nothing. His hand moved under my dress, sliding my thong away from my pussy. I was soaked, and the inside of my thighs were wet. He raised his eyebrows at me. I tried to act like his touch wasn't making me feel like I was on fire but it was impossible to act nonchalant. I looped an arm around his neck and kept dancing. He stroked and teased my clit and I felt myself start to shudder. Standing in a dark club with hundreds of people around me; I came. His other hand reached up and traced down the back of my neck. I moaned into his ear and shuddered against him. My knees started to buckle and his grip tightened on me. I felt like every inch of my skin was tingling. When my strength finally came back he slid his hand out of my pussy and grabbed my hand. I didn't bother to look around and see if anyone had watched my exhibition. I followed him to the bar and stood there sipping a gin and tonic and tried to act nonchalant.

"Better?" he asked me, with raised eyebrows. I didn't answer. I wasn't better. If anything I was more turned on, wet and aching for him.

"You're such a tease," I muttered.

He grinned at me. "but I'm not. You got to come."

"I'm still horny," I huffed.

"I know. It'll make it that much better later." His lips ghosted over my collarbone and I felt a shudder rip through my body. "Did you come again from just my lips on your skin?" he asked me, a smug smile on his face.

"Of course not," I muttered. It was true that I hadn't exactly come, it was more of an aftershock, and I was feeling peevish. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I responded to him that easily. I walked over to the low couch nearby and sat down, annoyed at the way Edward was teasing me. He sat beside me and laid a hand on my thigh. My skin was scorching hot and his felt deliciously cool from the drink he'd been holding. I gulped down my own drink and slammed the empty glass down onto the table. I turned to face Edward and quickly straddled him, my legs on either side of his on the couch. I leaned down to kiss him and he didn't protest. His hands wrapped around my ass and I groaned.

"Are you sure you don't want to fuck me?" I whispered in his ear. His cock was hard beneath me and I knew the answer before he even said it.

"I always want to fuck you. But not right here."

I sighed and stood up. "Then let's leave."

"Are you sure Bella?" he smiled. "It is your birthday."

"I'm sure," I growled. "Now where the hell is everyone else?" I realized guiltily that I'd ignored everyone else that night. They had taken me out to celebrate my birthday and I'd completely ignored all of them. I sighed. "I'm a bad friend aren't I?" I asked Edward and he chuckled and stood up.

He kissed the top of my head. "No, just a very horny one."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "I blame you. You're a bad influence."

"Probably. Let's go find them and you can hang out with them for a while."

"Fine," I muttered.

"I think they all went to the basement level of the club."

I hadn't realized quite how out of it I had been earlier. I wasn't sure if it was the drinks or how worked up Edward had made me, but I had been a little bit…uninhibited out on the dance floor. I prayed that none of my friends had been around to see it.

"Let me run into the bathroom for a sec," I said and he nodded and sat back down again. The bathrooms were just around the corner from where we'd been sitting and I took a moment to press a paper towel dampened with cool water to the back of my neck. The color in my cheeks was bright and my eyes looked a little glassy. If I hadn't known better I would have sworn I actually was high. But apparently a combination of alcohol, Edward and unresolved sexual tension created the exact same look. I smoothed my dress down, there were a few wrinkles in it from where it had been bunched up when he'd fingered me on the dance floor but thankfully, no other signs of my lack of inhibitions. When I came out Edward looked at me and stood up. He took my hand and kissed me on the forehead before walking toward the stairs. They were all sitting in a lounge area and Alice stood up to hug me.

"Have fun dancing?" she asked. I glanced at her to see if she was alluding to my little display earlier but her face was guileless.

"Yeah, it was good. I'm really warm though."

"I know, it's ridiculously hot down here too. I'm about to start stripping." Jasper looked up at her with an interested look and she laughed and swatted him. "Not literally."

"Damn, I was so hopeful," Emmett teased and his date scowled.

I glanced around the table; apparently Jessica had snagged a very cute guy. He was maybe a couple of inches shorter than Edward, and a bit more muscular, with dark hair and eyes. He gave me a friendly smiled and introduced himself as Riley. We talked for a moment and out of the corner of my eye I saw Jessica give me a grin and mouth, "so hot, right?"

I gave her a nod and she looked pleased. I went to take a seat but realized that everyone was packed in tight. Alice frowned when she saw what was going on. "I think we can squeeze together to fit one more in, but we'll have to go steal a chair from elsewhere."

Edward shook his head. "Just squeeze in and Bella can sit on my lap."

Alice gave me a big smile and I had to laugh. "Sure, that's fine."

When we were situated between Alice and Jessica, Edward whispered in my ear, "just fine, huh? I thought you liked being on top."

I looped my arm around his neck and leaned in to whisper back, "I do, but only when your cock is inside me and I can really ride you hard." He let out a cough of surprise and I grinned at him.

"Later," he promised.

"You better mean it," I threatened and he gave me a slow grin.

"Trust me, you're going to scream my name later." I shivered with arousal and turned to face Jess to try to distract myself.

"So, how is your night going?" I asked her.

"Great." She smiled and I saw Riley take her hand. I wasn't sure if she was looking for a boyfriend or just a bit of fun tonight, but either way she seemed very happy. Emmett bought another round of shots and I groaned. I'd sobered up a bit after my trip to the bathroom and while I felt pleasantly buzzed I really didn't want to push myself.

"Want some water?" Edward asked.

I nodded gratefully. "That's a good idea."

He ordered one and the waitress handed it to him with a smile and managed to bend over to give both of us view of her cleavage. Edward kept his eyes resolutely on her face and I was the one who let my eyes linger. She was very pretty and she gave me a small smile when she saw I was looking.

"That was hot you know," he said quietly after she left.

"What was?" I took a sip of the water.

"You checking her out."

My cheeks turned even more pink than they already were. "I didn't even realize I was doing it."

"That's ok, she seemed to like it."

"And you, did you check her out?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I certainly looked at her when she came up, yes. But let me tell you, you're the one I want riding my cock tonight." He whispered the last part in my ear and I gulped down the rest of my water. I felt my inner walls clench in anticipation and I couldn't hold back a shudder.

"Let's be social for a little bit longer and then we can go."

He nodded, and his hand squeezed my hip. We talked with our friends for a while longer, Edward absently running his thumb back and forth across the inside of my wrist. It tickled, but it was strangely arousing as well. I squirmed on his lap and he bit back a groan. I could feel his cock harden as I did it, and when I reached out to grab a final shot from Jasper I deliberately ground against him. When I finished the shot and another glass of water I stood up. Thankfully, Angela and Ben were also headed out so it wasn't quite as obvious that we wanted nothing more than to get out of the club and find the nearest available place to fuck. We hugged everyone goodbye and followed them out of the club. Ben hadn't drank so they walked off toward the parking garage just down the street. Truthfully, I hadn't thought much about where we were going to go, or how we'd get there. But I trusted Edward to take care of it. He leaned down to kiss me and I found my knees going weak with desire.

"You're a bastard, you know that Edward?"

He grinned at me. "Keep telling yourself that."

"No, you are. Teasing me like that." I swayed on my feet. I was more sober than I had been before, but definitely still tipsy.

He looped his arms around my waist and held me still. "It was payback."

"Payback? For what?"

"For that damn dress. God, you were killing me tonight."

"Why is that?"

"I don't know, there was just something about it….The low cut neck and the short skirt and then every time I tried to focus on something else you'd brush up against me and the fabric was so soft. All I could think about was ripping it off of you."

"I wish you had," I muttered.

"Still a little turned on?" he asked.

"Maybe."

"I can't wait to find out."

"I bet." I pouted.

He kissed me gently on the forehead. "Don't be mad at me Bella, I was kidding about the payback."

"Then why?" I realized I sounded whiny and impatient but I couldn't help myself.

"You were trashed. I didn't want you to end up regretting something. I know you're pretty uninhibited about most things, but I wasn't sure how far that went. I didn't want you to wake up tomorrow and be upset that we'd fucked in some back corner of the club."

He pulled me closer and I sighed. "Thank you. I don't think I'd regret it, but I appreciate the thought."

"However, if you ever wanted to sober…I'd be more than happy to try that out with you." He winked and I rubbed my thighs together as inconspicuously as possible.

"So I just have to be coherent and alert for any public friskiness?"

"Yep."

"Good to know. But if you don't get me back to your place, and soon, I'm not going to be held responsible for the things I might do. Drunk or not."

He laughed. "Duly noted, although I'm not going back to my place tonight. I'm not driving two hours when I've been drinking."

"True. We could go back to my dorm," I said. "Although it's ridiculously small and we can't exactly be too loud."

"I got a hotel room."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. That way I didn't have to worry about driving home. Plus I was hoping to lure you there."

"Lure me, huh?" I snorted. "It's not like it takes much to get me into bed with you."

"I know. It's great. I like that you're so easy."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "Then take me to your hotel room and have your way with me."

"Done."

We found a cab and I spent the entire ride teasing Edward. Running my hand up his thigh to stroke just below his cock. Flicking the tip of my tongue against the soft spot just behind his ear and grazing my teeth across his lower lip. I managed to behave while we made our way through the lobby of the hotel although I tripped getting into the elevator. Edward caught me and pulled me close, and we managed to scandalize a couple of people with our groping in the elevator. By the time we got to the room he'd reserved I could see his impossible to disguise erection straining against the fabric of his pants.

He nearly threw me on the bed when we got inside and he leaned over to kiss me furiously.

"Fuck Bella, I need to be inside of you," he panted. "You have been driving me crazy all night."

He pushed the fabric of my skirt up higher and slid my thong down my legs. He unzipped his pants and pulled his hard cock out. I moaned when he stroked it lightly, his thumb teasing the crown of it. He knelt on the bed at my feet and spread my legs, pulling me close to him until my ankles rested on top of his shoulders. He didn't waste any time, and I nearly screamed when he thrust into me, the pleasure was so intense. I was still tipsy enough that there was an unreal quality to everything, slightly hazy and dream-like. Just a couple of thrusts in I could already feel my body responding.

"I'm coming," I cried.

"You feel so fucking good Bella," he moaned. His hands held my hips in place as he thrust deep inside of me. We both came quickly and he lowered my legs to collapse on top of me for a moment. When he moved we both moaned, realizing that he was still hard inside of me.

"Jesus, the things you do to me," he muttered, his hips moving already to thrust inside of me again.

"Edward," I called out and tilted my hips up to meet his. I could feel how drenched we both were and the wetness dulled some of the incredibly intense sensations from earlier. This time was a bit less frantic, but still needy and powerful. The build up was slower and when I could feel my orgasm approach I put my hand on his chest to stop him.

"Wait, I want to be on top," I begged and he rolled off of me onto the bed with a smile. He was still wearing his shirt, although I'd unbuttoned two buttons and ripped a third off. His pants were around his ankles along with boxers, socks and shoes. My dress was bunched up around my waist and my shoes were still on. My thong was halfway across the room. I stood up and unzipped the dress and stepped out of it, kicking off my shoes and removing my bra. I knelt on the floor by the bed and worked off Edward's shoes and removed the rest of his clothing. I straddled him as I took of his shirt, slowly working my way down until his chest was bared to me. He sat up enough to remove the shirt completely and his hands came to rest on my hips. I straddled his thighs and I slid up his body until his cock was nestled against me. I moaned loudly and ground down on him. He gasped and his hips bucked up to meet mine.

"You feel so fucking good," he groaned, his hands guiding my hips to rock over him.

"Do you want to be inside of me?" I asked, dragging my nails across his hard chest.

"Yes."

"How bad?" I circled my hips and saw his lips part with pleasure.

"I've never wanted anything so fucking bad." His hands reached up to play with my already hard nipples. I shivered and leaned down to kiss him.

"Beg me," I whispered as I sat up again.

"Please Bella. God, please I need to be inside of you. Make me come." I lifted my hips just enough to guide him inside of me and I actually felt the growl that rumbled through his body.

"Fuck, yes," he panted and I slammed down on him, lifting and lowering my body at as quickly as I could.

We both gasped with pleasure and it wasn't long before I could feel my body tightening over his.

"Come for me. Please Bella," he begged and his hand left my hip to flick against my clit. I gasped and felt my entire body tighten over him. My back arched and I threw my head back with pleasure, my hands searching for something to grab on to, finally settling on his stomach just above my thighs. I cried out loudly and shuddered over him. His body stiffened just a moment later and he came with a loud groan. My inner walls milked his cock and I felt him quiver beneath me, overwhelmed by the feeling. I fell forward onto his chest, my head coming to rest over where his heart was. It thumped loudly in my ear and I heard him breathe out in a loud whoosh of air and then take a deep breath that lifted me in the air. His arms wrapped around my shoulders and he nuzzled into my hair. My body rose and feel with the rhythm of his breathing and I fell asleep. I had no idea how much later he stirred under me and I woke up.

"We should get up, beautiful, we need to clean up, and you need to drink some water."

I sighed and sat up, realizing we were still joined although he had softened and slipped most of the way out of me.

"Alright." I stood up with a groan, realizing how stiff my hips and thighs were from being in that position so long. "How long did I pass out for?"

"Maybe fifteen or twenty minutes."

"Sorry, I was probably crushing you," I apologized.

He stood up and walked with me into the bathroom. "Crushing me? Hardly. You are so light." He turned on the shower and I shivered while I waited for it to heat up.

"Cold?" he asked, wrapping his arms around me.

"A little, the air conditioning is up kind of high."

"Let me go turn it down." He stuck his hand in the shower to test the water and he nodded at me. "Shower's warm, you can get in now."

I hastily climbed in and felt my body relax as the warm water flowed over me. Edward returned a moment later with a bottle of water. I felt a little silly drinking water in the shower, but I knew I'd wake up with a monster headache if I didn't get water in me soon. We showered quickly and I downed a second bottle of water before we crawled into bed, exhausted and content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Edward getting in over his head already? And why do you think Bella is so resistant to the idea of a relationship?
> 
> I promise, there will be further development on both of those topics in upcoming chapters, but I'd like to hear your opinions on it first.
> 
> Do you have any questions for me about the story? About the length, or something you don't understand? Feel free to review or message me, I'm always up for talking about the story!


	16. Sunday Morning

**Chapter Sixteen: Sunday Morning**

Sunday morning rain is falling

Steal some covers share some skin

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable

You twist to fit the mold that I am in

That may be all I need

In darkness she is all I see

Come and rest your bones with me

Driving slow on Sunday morning

And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline

Paint a picture with my hands

Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm

Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need

In darkness she is all I see

Come and rest your bones with me

Driving slow on Sunday morning

And I never want to leave

And you may not know

That may be all I need

In darkness she is all I see

Come and rest your bones with me

Driving slow on Sunday morning

-"Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5

* * *

"Did you know you talk in your sleep?" Edward asked me, smirking. I had just woken up and it took me a moment to realize where I was. I did immediately recognize the warm, nearly naked body pressed against me. I was too concerned about what I'd said in my sleep to pay as much attention to that as I normally did though.

"What?" I sat up, horrified. "What did I say?"

He shrugged. "Nothing bad…just some really random stuff. Something about having lost your watch, which I thought was weird, since you never wear one." He kissed my bare shoulder and I realized that I was entirely naked and he was wearing a pair of boxers.

"You noticed that?" I asked, surprised. I lay back down and rolled on my side to face him.

"Of course." His thumb grazed across the inside of my wrist and I shivered. "I know that you never wear a watch, when you wear necklaces they are always really simple, you hardly ever wear earrings unless Alice forces some on you, and you wear rings a lot, especially on your index finger."

I blinked at him. "Well…you're observant."

"Just with you."

"So did I say anything else?"

"Something about giving the hot dogs privacy…I tried to get you to answer what that one was about…but you just mumbled the rest. I was very disappointed; it sounded like a very interesting story." He grinned at me and brushed the back of his hand down my arm. It was warm against my skin and I sighed and rolled onto my back again, pressing my side into him.

"Well that's horribly embarrassing."

"You don't ever need to feel embarrassed with me, Bella. I am however very curious about what you dream about."

I bit my lip. "Truthfully, a lot of the time it's you."

"You dream about me?"

"Yes."

"Mmm, I like that. I dream about you too."

"You do?" I looked into his eyes and they were warm and somewhere between a green and golden color.

"Absolutely. Ever since Rosalie's party." He leaned down to kiss my forehead gently.

"You seem in remarkably good shape considering last night," he commented. He turned and reached for the bottle of water on the nightstand, drinking about half of it down before handing it to me.

I finished the bottle and stretched. "Yeah, I really don't feel bad at all. I was starting to sober up when we got to the hotel though, and I think all of the exercise helped."

He laughed and I couldn't help but smile at him.

"And I do remember you forcing ungodly amounts of water down my throat. You're going to have one hell of a mini-bar charge."

He chuckled. "It's worth it if you aren't hung over. And there's room service for breakfast if you feel up to it."

"You spoil me, Mr. Cullen." I burrowed further under the covers, getting comfy.

"You do realize how dangerous it is to call me that, don't you?"

"Really?" I batted my eyelashes at him and drawled, "Why I had no idea."

"That was the worst Southern belle impersonation I have ever heard."

"Worse than Jasper's?"

"Worse than that."

"Oh dear. That is bad then."

"Back to you calling me Mr. Cullen. You do realize what that does to me, don't you?"

I reached down and palmed his hard cock through his boxers. "Yes. Yes I do. I've noticed calling you sir seems to have a rather noticeable effect on you as well. Do you have a bit of fetish?"

"Maybe." He grinned sheepishly.

"So tell me more about why it gets you going."

"God, I don't even know. I've never had it before. But every time you say it I just get this mental image of you in a tight little skirt, with your hair in a bun, and these sexy little glasses on. I can't help but picture you as my secretary."

"I see. And what exactly am I doing as your secretary?" I dragged my hand across his erection again and he moaned.

"Teasing me unmercifully." He pulled me close and I turned so we were both on our sides. "It's a fairly involved fantasy, but it usually ends with me picturing you bent over an office desk while I fuck you."

"Mmm, that's hot."

He grinned. "So now you know what my fantasy is…I need to hear one of yours."

"Other than vampires?"

"Yes, other than vampires."

"Hmm, I'll have to think about that one. Although being your naughty secretary just moved onto the list."

He groaned and slipped his hand down to touch the wetness between my legs. "Jesus, you're soaked."

"I know." I arched my back and his fingers slid inside of me. "I may not have the outfit right now, but there is a desk right over there that you can fuck me over. Mr. Cullen."

He shuddered and stood up, grabbing my hand to pull me across the room. He bent me over the desk and didn't even take off his boxers, just pulled his cock out and thrust inside of me. I gasped, my body was still sensitive from the night before and his skin was hot against mine. He fucked me hard, my fingers gripping the edge of the desk to keep from crying out. He reached around my hip to press his hand to my clit, fingers teasing the sensitive nub until I was shuddering and shaking under him, right on the edge of coming.

"Come for me, Bella," he pleaded. I was right on the edge and I clenched down on him and tilted my hips to draw him deeper inside of me.

I pulled myself together enough to whisper, "whatever you say, Mr. Cullen."

I felt my toes curl with anticipation as the orgasm ripped through my body. He came with a groan he tried to muffle against my back.

"Holy fuck, Bella, I think you killed me," he gasped while we both stood there, shaky and weak from the force of it. We cleaned up and when we collapsed back onto the bed he pulled me close. "Thank you," he said hoarsely.

"You're welcome?"

"Was that a question?"

"Yeah. Just not sure what you're thanking me for."

"The fantastic sex. Fulfilling my fantasy."

"You're welcome, and the feeling is mutual. And trust me, sometime I'll do the whole naughty secretary outfit for you."

"That can be your birthday gift for me."

"When is your birthday?" I asked.

"June 20th."

I gasped. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah."

"So you mean last summer...Rosalie's graduation party, that was your birthday too?"

"Yep. I got quite a birthday gift too." He grinned at me.

"Oh yeah? What was that?" I asked coyly, smiling up at him through my eyelashes.

"The most amazing sex, with the most amazing girl."

"You're sweet." I nuzzled into his chest, and his arm wrapped around me. He didn't reply and I felt myself drifting back off to sleep. I yawned and stretched.

"I'm tired."

"Then go back to sleep." He turned onto his back and I laid my head on his chest and let the rhythmic thump of his heart lull me back to sleep. We were still curled up together when I woke up a few hours later.

"What time is it?" I yawned.

He glanced over at the clock. "11:15."

"Wow, I can't believe I slept that late. So, what time do we have to check out?"

He shrugged. "Tomorrow. If you want."

"Really?"

"Yep. I reserved the room for two nights. It's my birthday present to you. Although it's a completely selfish gift, because I want to stay here with you. If you wanted me to leave, I will though, and you could just relax here by yourself. I even had Alice grab a few books of yours so you could read if you wanted to."

"Wow…I don't even know what to say," I stammered. "Thank you, that's so generous. And I definitely want you to stay with me." I kissed him briefly on the lips.

"I'm glad. If you want breakfast in bed I think we're going to have to order soon though. I think they stop serving it at 11:30." He reached over and grabbed the menu from the desk nearby and handed it to me.

"What do you want?" He propped himself up against the headboard and I sat up enough to lean against his shoulder so he could see it too. His arm wrapped around me and I sighed contentedly. I glanced at the menu.

"Mmm, definitely Apple Cinnamon French toast." I craned my neck to look up at him. "What do you want?"

He leaned down to kiss me. "You."

"I am not on the menu. At least not for breakfast."

"As long as it's my own personal menu I don't care what meal you're for."

"Mmmhmm. Now back to the really important topic…breakfast."

"Eggs and toast and bacon I think."

"Would you order?" I asked, a little shy all of a sudden.

"Sure." He looked at me quizzically.

"I just hate ordering over the phone. It's a weird thing of mine."

He laughed. "You are weird, but I'll humor you. I don't mind ordering."

"Thanks."

He called in the order and I rolled onto my stomach, burying my head in the pillow. This had to be one of the most comfortable beds I'd ever slept in, aside from Edward's. I closed my eyes, suddenly drowsy again. I heard Edward hang up the phone and he slipped under the covers with me. His hand gently traced along my back and I shivered. I had just dozed off again when there was a knock on the door.

"Stay here," Edward said and kissed my shoulder blade. He tugged on a pair of pants and a shirt and answered the door. I flipped onto my back when I heard him come back into the room.

"I come bearing gifts." He grinned at me and handed me a plate and fork.

"Mmm, it smells fantastic."

Edward sat on the edge of the bed still fully dressed and took a bite of his. "Tastes good too," he mumbled around the food.

I laughed. "I think you've been spending too much time with Emmett."

He swallowed. "Sorry, I'm starving. I haven't had anything since dinner last night. And I didn't eat that much, someone kept distracting me."

"Yeah, I'm really hungry too." I took a bite of the French toast and smiled. "This is really good. I think I'm going to have to learn how to make it. That's the one thing I miss living in the dorm. I hate not being able to cook."

"You can always cook at my place," Edward offered and I laughed. "No, I don't mean that you have to cook for me…just that you're always welcome to use the kitchen if you want to."

"I know, and thank you. Maybe sometime I will cook dinner for all of you guys or something."

"That would be nice. But don't feel like you have to."

I laughed. "Edward, you should know me well enough by now to know that there isn't much that I do just because I feel obligated to. Other than get up for my 8am class."

He leaned over to kiss me. "I do know that. I just wanted to be sure."

"You're sweet."

He kissed me again. "Mmm, so are you. You taste like apples and maple syrup. But you're always delicious."

I gently pushed him away. "You are too. But if you don't stop distracting me, neither of us will finish breakfast."

He pouted and looked up at me through his eyelashes. "Breakfast is overrated."

"Don't even try to pull the pouty little boy look on me," I teased him. "Besides, it's in your best interest to be well fed."

He had just been about to take a bite and his forked paused in mid-air. "And why is that?" His voice dropped, suddenly low and husky sounding.

"I have plans for you," I teased him. He wolfed his food down and in just a few moments he had cleared his plate and set it on the desk by the bed. I squealed when he launched himself at me and nearly dropped my own plate.

"I have to finish too," I protested once I'd righted it.

He sighed dramatically. "You can't tease me like that. I'm desperate for you."

I chuckled. "It's only been a couple of hours."

"Way too long. I had originally planned on taking you to the art museum, but I changed my mind. We're staying in."

I finished chewing the last bite and set my plate down.

"Can't we do both?" I asked hopefully.

He sighed. "Bed, then the museum, and then bed again. Deal?"

"Deal."

He moved my plate out of the way and launched himself at me again. We fell back on the bed laughing in a tangle of limbs. He aimed for my lips but caught my chin instead. I couldn't help but laugh again and he grabbed for my waist, tickling me as I squirmed beneath him.

"Eeeee," I squealed, "quit it."

"No, I like to make you squirm." He nipped at my neck with his teeth, and made his way down to my breasts. He stopped tickling me and my laughter dissolved into a moan when his wet mouth covered the tip. He licked and sucked at them, worshiping them with his mouth and I felt the quivering in my lower belly begin.

"You have the perfect tits," he whispered, his tongue wrapping around a nipple to suck it into his mouth.

"Mmm, Edward," I moaned and I felt him harden against my leg. I squirmed under him, wanting to feel his touch elsewhere but he didn't budge.

"They're not perfect," I gasped. "Although I'm glad you like them so much."

"I beg to differ, they're the perfect size and shape. And the color, pale and pink."

He purred against my skin and I felt my nipples harden further at the feeling.

"Just look at the way they respond to my touch." He traced a finger around the areola of one and it crinkled in an almost painfully hard reaction. "And I don't like them. I worship them."

He breathed against my skin, the heat from his mouth softening them momentarily before he licked them and blew a stream of cold air across. I gasped and buried my fingers in his hair, not sure if I wanted to pull him away or encourage him to continue. My nipple hardened to an almost painful tightness and I was shocked to realize I was actually getting aroused enough to orgasm, no doubt in part because I was still primed from our earlier romp.

"Fuck Edward." I gasped, "I feel like I'm going to come."

He moaned, "god, I want to make you come like this." He bit lightly at the soft skin along the side of my breast and I panted with pleasure. His hand moved to gently pinch and tease one nipple while he attacked the other one with his mouth. I gripped his hair like it was a lifeline as I came, the muscles deep inside of me clenching and spasming with pleasure.

Before I had even come down from the peak he removed his clothes and slid into me and I dug my nails into his shoulder. My muscles clamped down on his cock and he gasped and gritted his teeth.

"Fuck," he groaned, "so tight."

He rested his forehead against mine until it subsided and then pushed more slowly into me. He kissed me as we rocked together, tongues tangling and dueling as he delved into my body. I clutched at him, trying to anchor myself as I flew apart. We both came hard, it was intense, and I felt overwhelmed by the pleasure. I was shaking when it finally subsided and he soothed me, quietly murmuring to me while he kissed me softly and stroked my hair. When I stood up my body ached.

The hot shower eased the ache in my muscles and I was left with a lingering soreness between my legs. It made me hyper-aware of every move I made. Even the feel of fabric against my skin or the pressure of the seam of my jeans was arousing. I knew by the time we made it back to the hotel I'd be desperate to have Edward inside of me again.

The air was cool when we left the hotel and Edward's arms wrapped around me while we waited a few minutes for a cab. It wasn't far to the museum and I spent the cab ride with my head on Edward's shoulder as I looked out the window at the drizzly, rain soaked city. The museum was amazing. We wandered around for hours, trying to absorb as much as possible. Edward held my hand, only letting go when we were forced to step around someone or navigate some of the free-standing sculptures scattered throughout the rooms. I found myself staring at him more than the art though. He studied the works, frowning at them with concentration. By the time we were done with the first room I thought he was going to have permanent creases between his eyebrows.

"You're going to be a wrinkly old man," I teased him, rubbing the spot gently. "Every time you inspect something you frown."

He laughed. "I'll just be more distinguished…my grandfather looked great, even when he was almost 80, and my dad doesn't even look close to his age. I look a lot like both of them, although I get my coloring from my mom."

I smiled. "Good to know."

"Will you still want me when I'm 85?"

I laughed. "Probably, although I think we'll scandalize the nursing home." We both glanced at each other out of the corner of our eyes. Neither of us spoke for a while, aware that we'd just ventured into previously uncharted territory. The distant future was something we generally avoided, never talking about much more than the next time we'd get together. And while technically our conversation had been about sex in our old age, it was clear that neither of us expected that this could go on indefinitely, with no change in our relationship. We were lovers now, and friends, but beyond that, where did we go?

I shook my head, trying to clear the confusing thoughts from my head. Edward didn't do relationships, and I didn't want one right then either. My parents were proof enough that relationships weren't worth the heartache. What Edward and I had was perfect. I didn't need anything else.

We finished the last few rooms in that section of the museum in silence. But when we stepped out of the museum to find a cab he pressed me up against the wall of the building and kissed me. It wasn't fiery and needy like our heated groping earlier in the day, but soft, and almost tentative. I wound my arms around his neck and we kissed until a security officer from the museum cleared his throat and asked us to move along. I buried my head in Edward's shoulder and he chuckled, but apologized to the man standing there impatiently and we walked down the street a short distance until we found a cab.

"So embarrassing," I muttered and he laughed again but squeezed my hand.

When we got back to the hotel I threw myself face-down on the bed.

"I am wiped out," I said, my voice muffled by the pillow. "I think between last night and today you wore me out."

Edward sat beside me on the bed and ran his hand along my back, gently caressing me. "Do you want to take a nap?"

I shook my head and then turned it enough so I could speak clearly, "nah, I'll be fine in a bit. We should probably figure out something for dinner though."

"Hmm, you're right. I hadn't really planned that far ahead. What are you in the mood for?"

"I dunno, pasta maybe?" I sat up and scooted closer to him. He leaned over and kissed me.

"Pasta it is. How about you stay here and relax, while I go bring us dinner?"

"No, it's ok, I can get up." I moved to get off the bed but he placed a hand on my thigh.

"I want you to stay here and relax. Want to take a bath while I'm gone?"

"That is tempting." I smiled at him.

"Then I'll go run the bath for you and you can enjoy it while I get dinner." He stood up to head into the bathroom and I reached for his hand, squeezing it before I let go. He smiled at me and disappeared into the bathroom. I leaned back against the headboard. Edward was a continual surprise. I never knew quite what to expect from him, although lately it had been nothing but thoughtful gestures. I heard the water run and a few minutes later he came back in.

"It's ready." He took my hand and led me into the bathroom. He'd lit a couple of candles and dimmed the lights, and the tub was nearly filled with bubbly water.

I turned and looped my arms around his neck. "You spoil me."

He smiled and kissed me thoroughly. "I enjoy it."

The tub was full when I turned back to it, and I shut the water off and slipped out of my clothing. I stepped in carefully and stretched up for one more kiss.

"Thank you Edward. For everything."

"You're welcome. Now relax, I'll be back in a bit. Call if you need anything." He sat my phone on the sink and partially closed the door behind him. A moment later I heard the hotel room door shut and I lay back in the bathtub.

I slipped down into the water carefully until only my face was above the water. The tub was large, and I floated in the water, my arms weightless and my body relaxed. The hotel room for the weekend had surprised me. Truthfully, I hadn't expected any gift from him at all, and the extravagance of the gesture shocked me. He claimed he was being selfish, wanting to lock me away for a weekend and have me to himself. But his offer to leave if I wanted was sincere. He would have been pleased to have me enjoy the room by myself for two days. The monstrous bed would have been completely wasted on just me though I thought, sighing happily. The hotel room and the trip to the museum had been absolutely perfect, even if I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. It seemed too extravagant, particularly since we weren't dating or anything. I knew for a fact that other than buying her a few drinks at the bar, he hadn't bought anything for Rosalie's birthday last spring. I sighed, not wanting to ruin the nice mood I was in.

I closed my eyes, letting the warm water ease my tension and clear my mind and I was nearly asleep when I heard a knock on the bathroom door.

"Can I come in Bella?" Edward asked quietly.

"Of course." He slipped in room and closed the door behind him. He leaned down to kiss me and took a seat on the edge of the bathtub.

"God, this is amazing," I sighed and leaned my head back. "Can I move in here?"

"Only if I get to move in here with you."

"Mmmhhmmm." I muttered, too relaxed to even think twice about what I was saying.

"I brought wine," he said. "If you want some."

"A glass would be nice. Definitely no more than that though. Not after last night."

He chuckled, "yeah, I think gin is in short supply in Seattle now."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "I didn't drink that much."

"I don't know how you drink it at all," he made a face, "it tastes like pine trees."

"Mmm, delicious pine trees," I teased him.

"Well, I didn't bring back any trees for you for dinner, but I did manage to get some other food."

"You spoil me," I said, sitting up.

"I enjoy it." His eyes lingered in my bare breasts as the water sheeted off of my skin.

"So what did you bring me?"

He didn't answer, his eyes lingering on my body as I stood up. He held out a large towel for me and I dried off and wrapped myself in it. I blotted the excess water from my hair using a hand towel and combed through it quickly. I stepped out of the bath towel long enough to wrap in the robe Alice had packed for me and I saw Edward staring at me intently.

"I thought there was food," I protested weakly and he sighed.

"You're making this very difficult you know."

"I know. But I have this weird thing where I need to eat at least once or twice a day. Kind of strange I know…but it keeps me from passing out," I teased him and walked into the bedroom.

He stopped me and looked worried. "Do you actually pass out from not eating?"

"I have a few times." I shrugged. "It's nothing serious. I just try to eat regularly or my blood sugar dips."

"God, I feel like an ass." He guided me over to the bed carefully and handed me a container of food.

"Edward, it's ok. I'm not that fragile, I just try to keep an eye on it. Even if I did pass out it's not that big of a deal. I just get kind of woozy and lightheaded."

He frowned. "Eat."

I opened the container and inspected the contents. "Tortellini I see, but what else?"

"Chicken in a sun dried tomato cream sauce. I hope you like it." He looked apprehensive. "I should have called to see exactly what you wanted."

I took a bite, "No, this is great. It's definitely something I would have picked for myself. But you really need to stop worrying so much."

He sighed and sat on the bed beside me. "I just can't believe how selfish I've been. I kept bugging you and didn't let you eat when you needed to. I'm such an ass."

"Edward," I chastised him, "I'm a big girl. I can take care of myself. You didn't know, and honestly…it really truly isn't that big of a deal. It's just something I try to be aware of."

He nodded. "Just let me know. And I'll try to be less…demanding."

I grinned at him. "Just remember…I like it when you're demanding."

He groaned. "No teasing me like that when I'm trying to behave." He frowned down at his pasta.

"But it's so much fun." I speared another piece of tortellini and ate it. "By the way…the pasta is fabulous. What did you get?"

"Manicotti."

"Yum." I took another bite of my food and paused. "Why is it that when we get together all we really do is have sex and eat?"

"We're hedonists?"

"That works for me."

He leaned over and kissed me. "You are the perfect woman."

"Well, true." I grinned at him and he grinned back. We finished our meal and crawled under the covers. I settled in besides him and he put a movie on to watch. I was asleep before the opening credits were even over.

I slept deeply and woke up to find Edward staring at me.

"Are you watching me sleep?" I felt my cheeks turn pink.

"Um. No?"

I laughed. "I don't believe you."

"That's probably smart," he said dryly. "You looked peaceful, I didn't want to wake you."

I yawned and stretched. "I did sleep really well." I peered over at the clock and was shocked to see how late it was. "Wow, it's late. Again."

"I know." He frowned. "I wish we didn't have to leave."

I sighed. "I can't believe this weekend is over already."

"I know, it went by really fast. We'll have to do this again."

He traced his finger from my hairline across my forehead and to the tip of my nose. I closed my eyes reflexively and smiled. "The hotel is a little extravagant for every day though."

"But it was your birthday. I had to do something special."

I laughed. "Remember when we talked about not feeling obligated to do something…that goes for you too."

"I didn't feel obligated, I just meant I really wanted to, and I couldn't imagine not doing something for you."

"Well, it was incredibly sweet. I feel kind of like a jerk though, I should at least pay for half."

"You don't understand the concept of a gift, do you?"

"I just feel like you're always doing nice things for me, and I don't do anything for you."

"You feel like you don't do anything for me?" he said incredulously and I nodded.

"Bella…you have no idea how many things you do for me, aside from the phenomenal sex, although that certainly has been enjoyable. I have never felt so relaxed…being around you I don't worry so much. I can just enjoy you. In the past…" he paused "…I had a tendency to pull into myself, to worry too much and brood about things. Being around you has been…it's been unlike anything I've ever experienced before."

I reached up to touch his face softly. "I'm glad."

We dozed again for a little while and I awoke to Edward softly kissing my shoulder.

"You're all stubbly." I twisted away from him. He laughed and pinned me down so he could do it again.

"It tickles." I squirmed away from him again. He rolled over onto his back and pulled me up on top of him.

"Not a fan of the stubble, huh?"

"Not when it's being used to drive me crazy." I dragged my hand along his cheekbone to feel the whiskers there.

He laughed. "Alright. I'll shave. Unless you'd rather I ditched the stubble for a mountain man beard."

"Ugh, no. I'm not a fan of beards."

"What about mustaches?"

"Nope, reminds me too much of Charlie."

"I take it that's a no on goatees as well."

"Ehh, it depends, some guys can pull it off. Johnny Depp looks hot with one."

"From what I understand most girls think he could put underpants on his head and he'd still be hot."

"Yeah, pretty much."

Edward shook his head and muttered, "stupid pirate."

I laughed, "you're just jealous."

"Damn straight I am. I thought I was supposed to be the only recipient of your undying lust."

"Fraid not. The Johnny gets first dibs."

"Heartless wench."

"I do try."

We eventually dragged ourselves out of bed, although not before he had brought me to a heady orgasm with his fingers and then taken me from behind. The sex had been slower, more deliberate, and I came, shuddering and shaking at the feel of his cock inside me and his warm breath against the back of my neck as we lay on our sides. When we were finally up and showered we packed our clothes and checked out of the hotel. On the way to the dorm we picked up coffee and Danish, and ate in the car before he dropped me off. I lingered in the car, neither one of us in any hurry to leave.

"I should go," I sighed finally, "I have a ton of homework."

"Yeah, I have a lot to do too. But I'd rather stay here."

I leaned over and kissed him, liking the taste of the coffee and the buttery apricot flavor from the Danish that lingered in his mouth. We kissed for a few minutes until I felt his hand move down to cup my breast. I groaned against his mouth and pulled back, my forehead resting against his.

"I really need to go."

"I know."

"Trust me, I want to invite you in," I whispered.

"Then do it." His thumb brushed across my nipple, causing it to harden painfully.

"I won't get anything done."

He chuckled softly. "True."

He sighed and sat back, but not before giving me another lingering kiss and gently squeezing my already aching nipple.

I moaned and squirmed in my seat. "You don't play fair."

"I know." He gave me a crooked grin and relaxed back in his seat.

"Thank you for this weekend. It was amazing. You have no idea how much I enjoyed it."

"I'm glad. I had a great time too."

"You're too generous, but I had such a great time I won't even complain."

"Good." He gave me his devastating grin again and I reluctantly opened the car door and grabbed my bag.

"Thanks again Edward."

"Anytime." He smiled and I closed the car door and watched him drive away before I turned to walk back in to the dorm. I noticed Alicia's door was open as I passed and she caught me before I managed to make it in to my room.

"Bella!" she called out, "do you have a sec?"

I was tempted to tell her no, but I paused and turned to her. "Sure, what's up?"

"I was just wondering where you were this weekend? I knocked on your door a couple of times. A bunch of us went to a frat party and I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come with."

"Sorry." I smiled at her. "I was gone the whole weekend, I went out with friends to celebrate my birthday."

"Oh wow," she squealed, "happy birthday! Were you with the hot guy who isn't your boyfriend?"

I chuckled, "yeah, Edward was there."

"So hot."

I nodded, not disagreeing with her, but not wanting to encourage her either. "So, did you guys have fun at the party?"

"Oh my god, it was a blast. I have to tell you all about it."

"I actually need to get some studying done."

"Oh, well let's have dinner in the caf together then."

"Um, sure. Just let me know when you want to go, I'll just be in my room studying all afternoon."

"Awesome. Catch you later."

"Later."

I closed the door behind me and shook my head. Alicia wasn't a bad person, but she could be a little irritating. Oh well, it wouldn't hurt to make nice with the neighbors. I'd survive a dinner spent listening to her yammering about the frat party. Thankfully, about half an hour before the caf was supposed to close she stepped into my room, a phone attached to her ear and apologized.

"Sorry, I'm kind of busy right now, I don't think I can do dinner tonight, later this week."

I agreed and waved her off, grateful that I'd dodged that bullet, at least for that night.

I stopped by Alice's room and she jumped up when I asked her if she'd had dinner yet. "No, I got really caught up in something I'm working on. I'm glad you came by."

We walked downstairs to the caf and she asked how the weekend had gone.

"It was really great. Thanks."

"I'm glad. I was so surprised when Edward said he wanted to kidnap you for the rest of the weekend."

"Yeah, we had fun."

"What did you do?"

"Um..." I blushed.

"I thought he was going to take you to the museum."

"Oh, he did. We went Saturday afternoon."

"But I take it the rest of the weekend was spent in the hotel?"

"Uh, yeah."

My face flamed red but she just shook her head and laughed at me. "You two are so bad."

"I know."

She shook her head again but didn't say anything else about it, for which I was grateful. I caught up on the homework I hadn't had time to do over the weekend and did my best to get a little bit ahead in my classes. My job at the university library began that coming week and I wanted to be able to take as many hours as they could give me. I didn't want to fall behind and I had a feeling that most of my weekends were going to be spent with Edward. And there was no way I was going to be able to focus on homework when Edward was around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like Edward's surprise weekend away for Bella? Did it surprise you?
> 
> What about the awkward moment at the museum where they joke about their future?


	17. Love Me Two Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't apologize enough to those of you who are reading this story here on AO3. I have been horrible about updating in the last few days. I am so wrapped up in my upcoming full length story that I'm neglecting this. Can I make it up to you with a bunch of updates over the next few days?
> 
> Also, please, pretty, pretty please, let me know you're reading!

**Chapter Seventeen: Love Me Two Times**

Oh yeah

Love me two time baby

Love me twice today

Love me two times girl

I'm goin' away

Love me two times girl

Once for tomorrow

Once just for today

Love me two times

I'm goin' away

Love me one time

I could not speak

Love me one time girl

You know my knees got weak

Love me two times girl

Love me all through the week

Love me two times

I'm goin' away

Love me two times

I'm goin' away

-"Love Me Two Times" by The Doors

* * *

My weekend with Edward put me in a great mood for days. I caught up on homework and got enough studying done that I was ahead in several classes. One day I got to my lit class much earlier than usual. My previous class had been let out early and it was too rainy to sit in the gardens by the library so I took a seat in the nearly empty lecture hall and pulled out a book. I had just started _The Blind Assassin_ by Margaret Atwood and I was thoroughly engrossed in it when I got a whiff of cologne. I was struck by a sudden sharp longing for Edward. The cologne wasn't quite what Edward wore, his scent was unique, but it was close. I glanced around me, trying to figure out who was wearing it. The room had filled up while I had my head buried in the book and I hadn't even noticed. The cute guy two seats over smiled at me when I glanced over at him, trying to surreptitiously smell the air. There was a girl in front of me, and two behind and no one to my right, so it had to be him. I smiled back and he drummed his pen against his leg, looking like he wanted to say something. I glanced down at my desk, trying not to smile.

"Hey," he said softly and I looked up, "could I look over your notes from last week? I kind of spaced out in class one day and I wanted to make sure I got everything."

I glanced over at him. "Uh, sure. What day?"

"Wednesday." He smiled tentatively at me. He was cute, he had gray-blue eyes and light brown hair, and a nice smile. I flipped through my notebook to find the page and leaned over to hand it to him. He stood up and moved into the seat beside me. I took a deep breath of his cologne and almost dropped the notebook. Flashbacks of Edward and I assaulted me; his head between my thighs, his cock inside of me, his voice whispering in my ear. My hand shook a little and I thrust the notebook at the guy and looked away.

"Thanks. I'm Trevor by the way."

"No problem. I'm Bella." I smiled briefly at him and looked around the room. I didn't want to encourage the poor guy, but I couldn't exactly tell him that the only reason I found him attractive was because he smelled like Edward. Well, maybe not the only reason. He was cute, and if it weren't for Edward I might have been flattered that he apparently was interested in me. Edward had completely ruined my ability to objectively assess other guys. In fact, if it weren't for him I could probably have gone on dozens of dates. I'd had a number of guys subtly, or not so subtly try to hit on me. And a few had actually asked me out even though I'd tried to show them I wasn't interested. But right now, Edward was all I could focus on. Alice had teased me about that when we'd shopped for my birthday, but she was right. As much as I liked the idea of having the freedom to date someone else if I was interested, I _wasn't_ interested. Every guy I met seemed boring and unappealing. I couldn't imagine them even coming close to making me feel the way he did.

I hardly focused on the lecture at all. Trevor's cologne was just similar enough to Edward's that I couldn't stop from thinking about him, picturing Edward beside me, the rest of the room dark and empty. Edward's hand sliding up my thigh to cup my wetness through my jeans. I squirmed in my chair, suddenly uncomfortable. I could feel the heat from Trevor's arm against mine and I desperately wanted it to be Edward. But fantasizing in class was dangerous. I swallowed, trying to calm my racing heart. Taking deep breaths didn't help, the air was saturated by the scent of his cologne and I hurriedly shoved my books in my bag as soon as class was over.

"Thanks for loaning me your notes Bella."

I turned to look at Trevor. He handed the notebook back to me and I thanked him. I had been in such a hurry to leave I had nearly forgotten to get it back from him. I hastily shoved it in my bag and stood up to leave. "Sure, no problem."

"If…if you don't have any plans, would you like to go get coffee?" he asked, standing up and slinging his own bag over his shoulder. "Call it repayment."

"Sorry, I can't. I have to run to the library before my next class," I lied. He frowned in disappointment.

"Maybe some other time?"

"Uh, sure. Nice meeting you Trevor." I shot him an apologetic smile and bolted out the door. I hooked the strap of my bag across my body and practically jogged back to the dorm. I smiled when I saw that Edward was online. I couldn't resist messaging him.

 **BookGirl:** So I almost mauled a guy in class today

 **PianoGod:** *laughs* care to explain?

 **BookGirl:** He smelled like you

 **PianoGod:** And you felt the need to do bodily damage because of that? I didn't realize I smelled that bad…

 **BookGirl:** Very funny. Not that kind of maul…

 **PianoGod:** Oh. Lucky guy.

 **BookGirl:** I didn't actually do it. As a general rule I avoid mauling guys in public. Unless they're you of course.

 **PianoGod:** Good to hear. I hadn't realized my cologne set you off like that.

 **BookGirl:** You have no idea…

 **PianoGod:** I think you should tell me then

 **BookGod:** I don't think I heard a single word of the lecture today. I was too busy thinking about the last time we were together…and fantasizing about what I'd do if you were in class with me.

**PianoGod:**

**PianoGod:**

**BookGirl:** Still alive over there?

 **PianoGod:** Barely

 **PianoGod:** You do realize I'm in class right now, right?

 **BookGirl:** Whoops. Sorry. Please tell me you don't have anyone reading over your shoulder.

 **PianoGod:** *laughs* No, I sit in the back. You're not making it very easy to concentrate on the lecture though. And I'm hard as hell.

 **BookGirl:** Want me to stop teasing you?"

 **PianoGod** : Absolutely not.

 **BookGirl:** You're funny.

 **PianoGod:** I think the word you were looking for is hot as fuck.

 **BookGirl:** That's three words.

 **PianoGod:** Thank you Miss Smarty-Pants, I knew that

 **BookGirl:** I thought you liked me better without pants

 **PianoGod:** Mmm, most definitely. Tell me more about your little fantasy.

 **BookGirl:** Don't complain to me when you get in trouble during class...

 **PianoGod:** I won't

 **BookGirl:** I just kept picturing us sitting in class, the room dark, and no one sitting near us. You sliding your hand up my thigh to cup my pussy through my jeans...

 **PianoGod:** Fuck that's hot

 **BookGirl:** My hand moving to rub your cock through your pants

 **PianoGod:** I am so hard right now I feel like I'm going to explode

 **BookGirl:** I'd tease you until the class was over and you begged me to make you come

 **PianoGod:** I'm begging now...

 **BookGirl:** I'd drag you into some deserted classroom so you could bend me over the desk and fuck me

 **PianoGod:** *whimpers*

 **BookGirl:** Maybe I should stop...

 **PianoGod:** Just tell me you're going to be free in about 20 minutes

 **BookGirl:** Well I should go to the library...

 **PianoGod:** C'mon naughty girl, you know you want me to come over lick your wet, aching pussy until you scream

 **BookGirl:** Mmm, I'll be waiting...

I signed off and couldn't help but grin. It hadn't necessarily been completely conscious when I first messaged him, but partway through I realized I was hoping he'd come by. I knew I'd gotten him really worked up and that he'd be particularly enthusiastic when he got here. I stripped out of my clothes and I had just settled onto the pull out couch when I heard a knock on the door.

"Bella? It's Edward. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, come in," I called out. He closed the door behind him and stepped forward, pausing when he saw me.

"Holy fuck."

"You like?"

"I more than like...you are a naughty girl." His eyes raked over my body, pausing at the pale blue lace bra that cupped my breasts and the lace underwear that I had slid my hand underneath. His eyes lingered on the junction between my thighs, watching as I slid my fingers in and out of my dripping wetness.

"I thought you were going to make me scream," I said huskily.

"Oh I will." He gave me a crooked grin. "But I'm enjoying watching."

"Want a taste?" I slid my fingers out and held them up to Edward, watching as his eyes darkened. He lunged forward and licked my fingers, sucking them into his mouth, humming with appreciation at the taste. He ripped the panties off of me and tossed them to the floor, his tongue burying itself in my wet folds before I could even gasp.

"Fuck, Edward," I cried out. My fingers wrapped through his hair and my hips lifted to meet his searching tongue as his mouth plundered me. It was frantic and needy and his tongue relentlessly flicked against my clit I came with a loud gasp, my muscles clenching and shuddering. When I unwound my fingers from his hair I fell back onto the couch, completely spent.

"Holy shit," I gasped.

"Good?" He kissed my inner thigh. The muscles there were still quivering and weak.

"Incredible."

He placed kisses up and down my thighs and his hair brushed against my stomach. I squirmed away from the light tickling touch and he looked up at me.

"Ticklish."

He smiled and worked his way up my stomach and over my breasts.

"You look gorgeous and you have no fucking idea how much I'd like to do that again, but I have to go."

I pouted. "No time for anything else?"

I reached down to palm his hard cock. He kissed his way up to my forehead and sighed against my skin.

"Sadly, no. I have a lesson."

"Come over after?"

He frowned. "I can't. My lesson in is Port Angeles and I'm already going to be cutting it close. You could come with me, if you want, I have to be back here in Seattle tomorrow."

"What time?"

"3pm."

"I have to be back for an 8 am. I have a paper to turn in." I sighed. "Looks like we're out of luck."

"Damn." He nuzzled my hair and I wrapped my legs around his waist. "It would be so easy to just slide inside you right now."

"You know you want to," I whispered, nibbling at his ear and swiping my tongue across the soft spot on the side of his neck where his pulse beat strong.

"I do," he groaned. "Fuck it, my student is shit anyway, he doesn't even want to learn. I can be late."

He fumbled for his belt and unhooked it while his lips moved to my breasts. He sucked and licked at my rapidly hardening nipples through the fabric before he unhooked my bra and took it off. I moaned and reached down to undo his pants and pull out his cock. He pulled my hips forward to the edge of the couch and aligned himself at my entrance. Without preamble he thrust inside of me and I welcomed him eagerly. I pulled him further into me and moaned. His mouth moved over the top of my shoulder, sucking lightly at first and then harder. I moaned loudly and he eased up before tracing his tongue over the tender skin there while I wrapped my hand around the back of his neck to hold him to me. I arched my back and let my head rest against the back of the couch. Edward's lips moved to my collarbone and then down my sternum to the valley between my breasts. His tongue swiped out to lick the side of my breast and over to my nipple. I gasped when he took it in his mouth. It was hot and wet and he gently suckled on it.

"Oh!" I gasped, my fingers tightening on his hair. He slowed his thrusts a little and I felt my eyes roll back in my head and he sucked harder just at the same time he thrust deeper into me. "Oh god," I panted.

He continued to alternate licking and sucking my nipple as he slid in and out of me.

"Do you like that?" he whispered as he switched to the other side.

"Yes," I moaned. "Make me come Edward."

His hand slid between us, his thumb brushing across my clit and then pressed harder as I began to shudder around him. It didn't take long before I threw my head back, gasping with pleasure. Releasing my nipple from his mouth, he pressed kisses to my sternum again before reaching up to kiss my lips. We kissed while he softened inside of me. Our lips and tongues gradually slowed and Edward pulled back a little.

"I don't wanna go." He pouted.

I laughed, running my hands through his hair. "You sound like a little boy whose toy has been taken away from him."

He gave me a wry smile. "That's about what I feel like. Damn, I want to just crawl into bed beside you right now."

"Mmm, sounds nice." I shivered, suddenly feeling chilled.

"You cold?"

"A little," I admitted, reaching for my clothes that I'd dropped on the floor beside the couch. Edward frowned and grabbed a blanket to throw around my shoulders.

"You know, I could just put these clothes on..." I pointed out.

"Absolutely not."

I chuckled. "Any excuse to keep me naked, huh?"

"Yes." He sighed and sat back on his heels. I tightened the blanket around myself and drew my legs up to tuck them under me. "Don't make me go..."

I laughed. "Who is making you go? I was the one who convinced you to play hooky and be late for your lesson."

"Do you mind if I stay for a while?"

"Of course not."

He grinned at me. "I'm being so bad."

"Yeah, me too. I should be at the library studying and I have class later."

"Good, then we're both being equally delinquent." He stood up and re-fastened his pants before pulling his phone out of his pocket. "I need to call my student."

"Sure."

I grabbed my laptop and settled back on the couch while he spoke on the phone. There were several messages from Alice.

 **AliCat413:** Hey, wanna go shopping this afternoon?

 **AliCat413:** Dude, where are you?

 **AliCat413:** I saw you come home. Are you there?

 **AliCat413:** Helllloooo?

I chuckled and replied.

 **BookGirl:** Sorry, I was otherwise occupied.

 **AliCat413:** Damn it, that's totally code for "Edward's here and I've been fucking his brains out" isn't it?

 **BookGirl:** Um...

 **AliCat413:** I knew it. I take it that's a no on shopping then. You suck.

 **BookGirl:** Pretty well actually. Or so I've been told.

 **AliCat413:** Oh for the love of...

 **AliCat413:** Nevermind. Is he staying the night?

 **BookGirl:** I don't know. Maybe.

 **AliCat413:** Alright. Talk to you tomorrow then.

 **BookGirl:** Sorry.

 **AliCat413:** Nah, it's alright. How about tomorrow after class?

 **BookGirl:** Sure.

 **AliCat413:** K, sounds good. Later!

 **BookGirl:** Later.

I glanced up to see Edward hang up his phone and toss it on my dresser.

"I'm good."

"I know you are." I smirked at him.

He shook his head. "I think I'm a bad influence on you."

"Mmm, probably." I held out my arms. "Come to bed."

"I'll take you up on that." He kicked off his shoes and socks and stripped quickly, joining me under the blankets. "Mmm, I don't think I've ever had so much fun playing hooky."

I laughed. "Me either."

"I'm not sure I've ever played hooky actually."

"Really?" I pulled back far enough to look him in the eye.

"Yeah, I never skipped classes or anything."

"Even in high school?"

"Nope."

"Wow. Way to be stodgy."

"Shut up." He stuck his tongue out at me. "I take it you did?"

"Skipped in high school? Yeah, a handful of times. Not too much, it's hard to a delinquent when your father is chief of police in a town as small as Forks, but Alice and Rose and I did a few times." I swallowed convulsively at Rose's name. "We used to go over to Rose's house since her parents were never home. One time we went skinny dipping in the creek behind her house."

Edward raised his eyebrows. "Wow...that must have been a sight."

I laughed. "Mmm, I bet the pilot of the plane that flew over thought so too."

He smiled and shook his head before kissing my forehead.

"So, what do we want to do?" He rolled so that I was lying on top of him and I looked down. I propped myself up, my forearms resting on the mattress near his head so I could play with his hair.

"Do?"

"This afternoon, while we're playing hooky."

"The whole point of playing hooky is to not do anything."

He grimaced. "I'm really not good at that. Although the lazing around in bed with you,

that I can handle. I enjoyed that last weekend."

"And doing nothing can definitely include watching a movie." I kissed the soft skin at the hollow of his throat. "Or..." I kissed my way down his chest to where the sparse, soft hair began to trail down his abdomen.

"Or?" he said hoarsely.

"Or this..." I kissed lower, licking at the crest of his hip and then moving to where his cock was already hardening. I moved to his thighs, gently nipping the muscle there with my teeth and he moaned lowly. When I took him in my mouth he gasped. "I think I like or."

I worked my way lower, taking him deeper in and wrapped my hand around the base. I sucked hard, moving quickly over him until he gasped and shuddered under me. His hands tangled in my hair and he moaned my name. "I'm gonna come," he gasped.

I reached up to play with his balls and pressed gently against the soft skin behind them. He shuddered and shook underneath me, crying out as he came in my mouth. I swallowed and licked him clean before crawling up to lay beside me. He kissed me on the forehead and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"Holy fuck. You are going to kill me someday woman."

I chuckled. "If I have my way...probably."

"At least I'll die with a smile on my face."

"Mmhmm."

We spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, watching movies, eating lunch, having sex. It was an easy, pleasurable way to spend part of a day. Unfortunately he had plans that evening, I had really hoped he'd spend the night. He apologized a half dozen times and I shook my head, dismissing it.

"It's fine Edward, I understand."

"I want to stay."

"I know. I'm disappointed, not upset with you."

"Are you sure?"

I laughed. "Trust me, if I were upset, I'd tell you. I don't play games Edward."

"I know you don't. I just don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you, coming over for sex and then leaving."

I cupped his cheeks in my hand and looked him straight in the eye. "You have a gig, I understand. You don't need to apologize. I'm just glad you could come over this afternoon."

He finally relaxed against me and we kissed for a little while before he finally got up and dressed.

After he'd left I wandered down to Alice's room.

"Hey!" She looked surprised to see me. "I thought Edward was staying."

"He couldn't. Gig tonight." For just a second I wondered if he'd been telling the truth or if he just wanted an excuse to leave. But I dismissed that quickly, he'd always been up front with me, I had no reason not to trust him.

"Oh that's right," Alice said. "I forgot they had one tonight, Jasper mentioned it. Some little bar outside of Port Angeles I think."

I nodded, stupidly relieved that Edward had been telling me the truth. "Do you want to go to dinner?" I asked her.

"Sure. Give me just a sec to finish up what I was working on." Alice finished the paragraph she'd been writing and then we went to dinner. We went out for a walk after and I realized I'd kind of been neglecting her lately. _I'd remedy that_ , I promised myself. _We'd go shopping the following afternoon and spend more time together_. It wasn't fair of me to ignore her in favor of Edward, particularly since he and I weren't actually dating or anything. I didn't want to be a bad friend to her, especially since we'd both lost Rosalie because of what Edward and I had done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Is Bella starting to slowly develop feelings for Edward?
> 
> And is she still completely oblivious to it?
> 
> The Blind Assasin by Margaret Atwood is a fantastic book that I really can't recommend enough. Truthfully, I have enjoyed almost all of her books but this one in particular is a favorite. Please check it out if you're looking for something non-Twilight to read. *gasp* I know...I forget there are other books out there too. :)
> 
> Oddly enough, I wrote that comment about "The Blind Assassin" when I originally posted the chapter on Twilighted, almost two years ago. Today, I had a conversation with someone about the book. Strange coincidence.


	18. Ecstasy

**Chapter Eighteen: Ecstasy**

Addicted to poison, the poison is the cure sometimes

I have the secret, the secret's hidden in the sky

I need to go down slow, I need to get up to the stars

I have a secret...

Baby, baby, baby you're like ecstasy

Baby, baby, baby, that's because I'm on it

Baby, baby, baby...

Baby, baby, baby I'm gonna take some innocence from you.

Addicted to poison, the poison is the cure sometimes

I have the secret, the secrets hidden in the sky

I need to go down slow, I need to get up to the stars

I have a secret...

Baby, baby, baby you're like ecstasy

Baby, baby, baby that's because I'm on it

Baby, baby, baby...

Baby, baby, baby, I'm gonna take some innocence from you...

-Ecstasy by VAST

* * *

The weeks passed quickly and before I knew it, it was the end of October. Alice had dragged me out of the dorm on Friday afternoon after we were both done with classes.

I sighed. "Alice, why won't you tell me what my Halloween costume looks like?"

She looked at me wide-eyed. "Because then it wouldn't be a secret."

"And when exactly am I going to find out what it is?"

"Tomorrow night." She grinned at me. "When you're getting ready for the party."

I sighed again. "I don't know why I put up with you."

"Because I'm adorable."

"That must be it." I rolled my eyes. "So why exactly are we out shopping for the party?"

"Because the guys were nice enough to offer to have it at their house and Jasper has a really big deadline coming up for school so he's been doing nothing but writing lately."

"Fine. What do we still need?" My eyes glazed over while she read off the list. "We're going to be out shopping for hours Alice! It's just a Halloween party. You don't have to go all Martha Stewart on it."

Alice gasped at me in mock horror. "I am not Martha Stewart. I am an ORIGINAL

thankyouverymuch."

"Fine, you're an original pain in the ass. Let's get this over with."

I lost track of the number of stores we went to and by the time we were done Alice's trunk was packed full and I had bags between my feet and on my lap. I couldn't actually see out the window and I was starting to wonder if it was even safe to be driving that way when we stopped. We were at the dorms and I struggled to get out but she stopped me.

"Hang on, just stay in here."

"What are you doing? I thought we were done," I wailed.

"We are you whiny brat. I just have to grab something from my room before we head over to the guy's place."

"Ugh, that's almost a two hour drive."

"Dude, you need to get laid. I am telling Edward that he can't go too long without fucking you. You're annoying when you haven't gotten off."

"Well you're annoying even when you have," I muttered as she left the car. I was feeling short tempered for some reason, and I suspected it had to do with the lack of sleep I'd been getting lately on top of some serious PMS. I felt bad that I was taking it out on Alice though.

I closed my eyes and didn't even realize I had fallen asleep until I was startled awake by the trunk of the car slamming shut. When Alice got back in the car I apologized, "I'm sorry Al, I was being kind of a brat. I've had so much to do for my classes lately that I know I haven't been getting enough sleep. And you're probably right about the lack of sex."

She grinned. "No biggie. In fact, just because I'm so nice I'll let you nap on the way there."

"Thank you Jesus, Mary and Alice," I said fervently, and reclined my seat as far as it would go without crushing the bags behind me and balled up my sweatshirt to use as a pillow. I was asleep before we left Seattle. I woke up when we got to the guys' house and stretched. Alice helped extricate me from the mountain of bags in the car and we hauled everything to the front door.

"Um, this is going to be a problem," I said. "I don't think the guys are home."

"Nope, they're not. Gig tonight. But Jasper gave me a key." Alice looked proud and I grinned at her.

"That's awesome Al. Just because of the party, or what?"

"No, he gave it to me because he wanted me to have it."

"Wow," I said. "That's huge."

"I know."

We grinned stupidly at each other and then I laughed. "Alright, now use the damn thing!"

She let us into the house and we spent several hours decorating the place. Alice was a force to be reckoned with and when it came to parties she was unstoppable. The nap had really helped, I was feeling much less cranky. But by the time the house was done I was disgustingly dirty and sweaty. Alice of course looked as perfect as she had this afternoon. Then again, I was the one she had been making crawl on the floor to plug in lights and arrange decorations. I heard a key in the door and I prayed that it wasn't Edward. I really didn't want him to see me looking like a chimney sweep. But of course it was all three of the guys back from their gig. Jasper kissed Alice hello and I got a huge hug from Emmett that lifted my feet off the floor as per usual. When he finally put me down I looked over at Edward and he grinned and came over to give me a hug too, his arm lingering around my waist.

"How was the gig?" I asked.

"Not bad. We're working on a few new songs."

"Cool." I nodded.

I always felt a little awkward around him when our friends were there too. I wanted to kiss him, but I felt strange being that blatant. It was much more difficult when I was sober. He smiled at me if sensing that I was uncomfortable and briefly kissed my cheek.

"So what on earth has Alice been doing to our house?" he asked.

"Just getting ready for the party tomorrow."

"Wow. She goes all out, doesn't she?"

I laughed. "Yeah, it's a little insane."

The house looked incredible though. Every inch of it had been draped in black fabric and fake cobwebs. There were black lights in all of the fixtures and purple twinkle lights scattered throughout the house. The whole place had a creepy Victorian vibe to it, and there was even a life size skeleton with a top hat in the corner. Alice always went over the top, but somehow it was still elegant.

"I'm kind of afraid to see what she'll do with my costume," I admitted.

"Yeah, me too."

"You're afraid of what she'll do to my costume?" I asked, confused.

"No, my costume. She's making me one too and she won't tell me what it is. That scares me."

I laughed. "Be afraid. Be very afraid."

"So it looks like she made you do all of the dirty work today," Edward said, gesturing to my dirty clothes.

"Ugh, yeah. I desperately need a shower."

"You can use mine if you want," he offered.

"That would be great actually."

I smiled at him and went upstairs into his bathroom. The house had two bathrooms and because they hadn't bothered to find someone to replace James, Emmett and Jasper were sharing one, and Edward had the other to himself. I stripped off my disgusting clothes and hopped into the shower. I took a while in there, enjoying the feel of the hot water. _I am going to sleep well tonight_ , I thought. I jumped when I heard the bathroom door open.

"It's just me, Bella," Edward called. "Alice asked me to bring up your stuff."

"What stuff?"

"She said she grabbed your toiletries and a change of clothes for you. I guess you guys are spending the night here."

"It would have been nice if she'd mentioned that earlier," I grumbled. "Sorry we're taking over."

Edward stepped closer to the shower and peeked around the curtain. "I'm not."

"I can always sleep in the guest bedroom or whatever," I said. I felt very exposed, standing there naked with Edward fully clothed.

"Oh hell no. You're sleeping with me." He grinned at me.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" I asked. "I don't want to impose."

"Very sure. And it's never an imposition to have you naked in my bed. In fact I'm getting in the shower with you now. I'm sort of gross from the show." He stripped off his clothes and got in.

"Sure." I stepped aside. "It is your shower after all."

He grinned. "Well I don't mind sharing, not with you anyway." His hand slid against my back and he pulled me close. I felt his erection nudge my thigh and I pulled away.

"Edward, no…not right now," I said.

"I'm sorry." He gave me a horrified look. "I didn't mean to assume…"

"No, it's not that. I want you. Trust me, I do. It's been way too long. But now is not the best time."

I stared at him, willing him to understand what I was saying so I wouldn't have to explain it further.

"Not the best time…?" He had a puzzled look on his face.

I sighed. "I have my period Edward."

"Oh, alright. But I don't mind, if you don't. The shower is great for that actually."

"I dunno," I said a little shyly, "I've never…"

His arms wrapped around me. "You know, there's something I really like about being your first for everything." He kissed me and my knees turned to jello. "But it's up to you. Do whatever you feel comfortable with."

"I'm fine with it." I blushed. "I'll try anything once."

He grinned at me. "I'll have to hold you to that darlin'."

I felt my heart leap in my chest and my brain drifted off into fantasy. I wasn't sure what he had in mind, but chances were, I'd be more than happy to try it out. He kissed me again, this time slowly and thoroughly. He brushed his fingers across my nipples, gently teasing them. He dropped down just low enough to lick them and I threw my head back and moaned. Eventually he stood up and I ran my hands across the slick wetness of his chest. The water beaded up on his skin and I traced a droplet across his nipple and watched the muscle underneath twitch. I leaned down to tease them with my tongue and his hands fisted in my hair and he moaned. I let my tongue travel further down and I knelt on the hard tile, slowly licking my way up and down his cock. He was partially hard and I was fascinated as I watched him harden the rest of the way with every stroke of my tongue.

"As good as that feels I really want to be inside you," he said eventually.

He helped me to my feet and turned me to face the wall. I braced myself against it and his hands gripped my hips and he lifted me until I was up on my toes, legs spread apart. His hard cock slid into me easily. I was sensitive and the feeling of him parting my flesh made me moan. His hands tightened on my hips and he panted against my neck.

"You feel too good. I don't know how long I can last."

"I don't care," I moaned. "Just keep going."

Our bodies slid together, slick from the warm water. My hand slipped on the tile wall, unable to keep myself steady, knocking a bottle to floor with a loud clatter. I leaned my forehead against the wall, overwhelmed by the sensations. His arm braced against the wall to fuck me harder and I moaned when he slid in deeper.

"Edward...god...I'm..."

"Just come for me, Bella. Please." Edward's voice was strained and I could feel his body shaking against mine. With another hard thrust I was there.

"Edward," I shouted.

My knees buckled and the combination of my orgasm and the heat from the shower made my head swim. He followed just behind me, shuddering and panting in my ear. We slid to the floor of the shower together, his arms wrapping around me. I rested my head on his shoulder and he kissed my forehead.

"Wow," I breathed and I could feel him smile against me.

"Wow indeed."

Eventually we stood up and finished showering. He wrapped me in a towel and left me in the bathroom to finish getting ready. When I was done, and dressed in pajamas I walked to his room, gently rapping on the partially closed door.

"Edward?" I asked tentatively.

He opened the door and smiled at me. "Come in here. You didn't have to knock you know."

I shrugged. "I didn't want to barge in."

"I want you to feel comfortable here." He took my hand and we both crawled into bed and I fell asleep quickly with Edward's fingers still grasping mine.

"A mermaid Alice?" I said, horrified. "You made me a mermaid costume."

"Yes!" she clapped her hands. "Isn't it fabulous?"

"Terrifying is more like it." I turned the fabric over in my hands. "There's nothing to it. Just a bunch of gauze."

She rolled her eyes. "You'll look incredible. Now sit down and let me do your hair and makeup. She turned me away from the mirror and worked on me for what felt like hours. When I was done she ordered me to not look yet and to change into the costume first. When I finally saw myself in the mirror I gasped.

"It's gorgeous Al," I admitted.

"I told you." She looked smug. My hair was wild and curly, and there were tiny strips of fabric threaded through it that looked like pieces of seaweed. My eyes were huge and scattered along my cheekbone there were tiny jewels. The costume was what blew me away though. The top was a halter top, gauzy in some spots but covering the essentials and leaving my back rather bare. The skirt was long, and fitted until my knees and then it flared out into a tangle of fabric that gave the illusion of a split tail. It was seductive, but not slutty. I knew Alice was good, but this was beyond what I'd expected.

I couldn't help but laugh when I saw Edward. He was a pirate. A very hot pirate I realized when I stopped laughing. _Sweet mother of toast he looked good,_ I thought. He wore black pants that were slightly baggy and tucked into a pair of high black boots. His shirt was white and slightly loose also, but it was slashed low in the front and exposed an awful lot of his gorgeous chest. He had on a bandana and an eyepatch and there was a sword buckled to his belt. He hadn't shaved in a few days and the stubble really worked with the rest of the costume. I shook my head, Alice had made us coordinating costume, a pirate and a mermaid, I should have known.

Alice and Jasper matched also. She had made an obscenely short Alice in Wonderland costume for herself, and it was darling. Flirty and sexy and fun. Jasper was the mad hatter and his costume was incredible too. He doffed his top hat to me with a smile and I couldn't help but grin. It was going to be a fun night. Emmett was Frankenstein and his costume was simple but the makeup was really elaborate.

"How did you have time to DO this all Alice?" I asked her.

She laughed, "I started on Emmett's makeup early. I was kind of afraid he was going to mess up the makeup but he was really well behaved, it hasn't smudged at all."

"Everyone looks great," I said.

"Thanks." She beamed. "I was particularly happy with Edward's costume. He makes a great pirate."

"That he does," I agreed fervently.

"He seemed to like your costume too," Alice said.

"I did notice that."

"I gave him strict instructions that he wasn't allowed to ravish you until _after_ the party though. I couldn't have your costume messed up."

I laughed. "What did you threaten him with?"

She grinned. "You see that sword he has on? It's dull, but it's the real thing. I told him I'd use it on various parts of his anatomy."

"That would do it," I joked, and I couldn't resist teasing her. "But what if I ravish him?"

"Then I'll still use it on various parts of his anatomy."

"You ruin all of my fun." I pretended to pout.

"Remember who packed your bags so you could sleep here last night."

I sighed. "Good point. Thanks for that. But may I remind you how much your little surprises drive me crazy. You don't always have to keep everyone in the dark you know."

"I know, but it's much more fun that way."

"Not for everyone." I reminded her, but I hugged her anyway. "Thanks for all of the work on the costumes and decorating the house. Everything is amazing."

She beamed at me. "I love doing it."

I walked into the kitchen and stopped in my tracks. There was a blond in a very tiny outfit draped all over Edward. He was facing away from me, so I couldn't tell what his reaction to her was. I swallowed the annoyance that immediately rose to the surface and pretended to be busy fixing myself a drink.

"I haven't seen you in forever, Edward," the girl purred. She was dressed like a playboy bunny and her cleavage was shoved in his face.

"I've been busy." He sounded annoyed and he leaned away from her a little.

"But you know how good I am baby." She dragged her finger across his chest. "You should have called me."

"I wasn't interested," he said pulling away from her.

"Fine," she huffed, "who's your latest flavor of the month?"

"She's not a flavor of the month. Her name is Bella and we've been uh, seeing each other since June."

"Be honest, Edward. You've been fucking her since June," she sneered.

"No." His voice was harsh. "It's different than that,"

She raised her penciled in eyebrows. "Have you finally found someone who made him want to settle down? I'm shocked. She must be one hell of a lay."

"Don't you dare speak like that about Bella. She's…"

I never heard the rest of the conversation because Emmett barged into the room.

"Break time is up Edward. We're on again in a few."

I tried to make myself as inconspicuous as possible and finished making my drink. Edward turned and saw me there.

"Hey Bella." He still looked frustrated, but he smiled a little at me and when he came over he leaned down to kiss the top of my head before turning to the blond.

"Jennie, this is Bella. The girl I was telling you about."

"Bella, this is Jennie. An old friend." He emphasized the word old and I nearly snickered out loud. She looked pissed.

"So nice to meet you." Her voice was syrupy sweet. "Eddie and I go back a long ways. We had tons of fun together. Enjoy your time while it lasts…"

"Jennie," Edward started to say but Emmett was there before him. He yanked on Jennie's arm and dragged her into the living room.

I heard him say, "So help me if you try to fuck up one more…" and then his voice was lost in the noise coming from the other room. I frowned; I kept missing the most interesting parts of the conversation.

Edward turned to me and sighed. "I'm sorry about that. I wish you hadn't had to deal with that."

I shrugged. "It's alright. I think I got the gist of it. You two had a thing a while ago, she's not over it and she's jealous of the fact that you're with me right now. I get it." I shrugged. I really did get it and it didn't surprise me. Edward was gorgeous, and he hadn't exactly been a choir boy. Girls from his past were going to appear and I just had to learn to deal with it.

"You're amazing, Bella." He leaned down to kiss me and it was fervent and heated. "I was so afraid you'd be hurt by it."

I laughed. "Trust me. I'm not concerned about her." Frankly, Jennie didn't seem like much competition.

As if he was reading my mind, Edward said, "You are in a whole other league from her. The weird thing is, she actually used to be pretty. The bleached blond, fake-tan, fake-boob thing is not a good look. She wasn't like that when we were together. She looks awful."

"I'm not concerned." I kissed him. "But, you need to be performing. Get back out there."

"Are you sure we can't just disappear upstairs?" He pouted.

"I'm sure. C'mon, let's go." I dragged him back into the living room and he gave me a deep and lingering kiss before heading over to the side of the living room that had been made into a makeshift stage. I saw Jennie shoot me a venomous glare out of the corner of my eye and this time I turned to smile at her.

"So we didn't get a chance to finish our conversation from earlier," I said, "was there something else you wanted to say to me?"

She looked uncomfortable. "No, just be careful."

"Be careful?" I asked.

"Yeah, you should know what a heart-breaker Edward is. Don't start getting your hopes up that it's going to be anything serious."

"I'm very happy with what we have now. It's been nearly five months of mind blowing sex. What more could a girl need?" I turned and walked away from her. I wasn't quite sure where my backbone had just appeared from but I was glad it had. For a moment I desperately missed Rosalie. She would have been so proud of me. Edward had started his first song and he looked worried when I walked past, I tried to reassure him with a smile and I blew him a kiss and went outside to think. Surprisingly, Edward's former lover really hadn't upset me. But thinking about Rosalie had. A short while later Alice came outside and sat down next to me.

"You ok?" she asked.

I sighed, "I think so. Just missing Rose."

"Oh." She looked surprised, "I thought you were upset by the skank."

"Jennie? God no. She's ridiculous. I'm fine about that."

"Emmett told me a little about what happened earlier. That's not bothering you?"

"No. Should it?" I asked, bewildered.

"No, of course not. I was just surprised that you seemed so calm about it. I would have decked her."

I laughed, "I'm sure you would have. No, it's really not a big deal. I know Edward has a past and that doesn't bother me. He's clearly not into her, in fact he said she looks awful, and he's right. She's no competition."

Alice smiled. "Good."

"I can't say I'm not insecure occasionally about some of the other gorgeous girls who go to his shows…but he seems to want to be with me, for whatever reason, and I'm trying not to second-guess it. Besides, we aren't really together anyway."

She nodded and looked like she was about to say something but, closed her mouth and looked away. We both sipped our drinks slowly for a minute and Alice said, "So you were missing Rosie then?"

"Yeah. I told off Jennie and it made me think how proud Rosie would be of me for doing it." I made a face. "Or at least she would have. She probably still hates me now." Alice didn't say anything.

"Have you talked to her lately?" I asked her.

"To Rose? No. It's been a while," Alice admitted.

"Have you talked to her at all since she moved to NY?"

"Two or three times I think. But she was always headed out to some club or was busy with a guy. She didn't really seem to want to talk."

"I'm sorry, Alice," I said.

"For what?"

"For screwing up our friendship. The three of us were so close…"

"I know. And I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I think it might have happened no matter what. I kind of wonder if maybe she wasn't scared about leaving and growing apart from us, so she found some reason to pick a fight. End it on her own terms..."

"Hmm, I'd never considered that. I don't know. Anything's possible. I just know that I miss her like hell sometimes."

Alice nodded. "Me too."

I felt tears start to well up in my eyes and Alice hugged me. "Don't you dare cry, Bella. You are not messing up that masterpiece I created with makeup."

I laughed and blinked back the tears. "No tears. I promise."

"So are you crashing here tonight?"

"I've been told I have to. Plus, it's not like I have much choice, you did kidnap me and drive me here."

"Yeah, I guess I did leave you without a way to get home. Is Emmett being over-protective again? He's right though, no one should be out driving tonight if they can help it."

"Uh, no, not Emmett. Edward's orders, and I think they had more to do with me being naked in his room than anything else."

She laughed. "How often do you spend the night with Edward?" she asked.

"Pretty often, actually," I admitted.

"Interesting."

"I never know what that means when someone says that." I muttered.

"I just mean it's…interesting. He wouldn't have struck me as the type for sleepovers."

"Me either I guess. But he's surprisingly cuddly. Of course it could just be that he likes morning sex."

"That's always a possibility. But I think maybe it has more to do with you."

"Me? What about me?"

"I dunno, he just seems really different around you."

I heard the front door open and someone came out onto the porch.

"Bella, are you alright?" Edward asked, he sounded worried and when I turned to look at him Alice got up and slipped inside.

"I'm fine, why?"

"You just looked kind of upset. Did Jennie say something else?" He sat beside me and pulled me close.

"No…no…it's not that Edward, I swear."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure." I laughed. "Actually I told her off."

"Oh." He looked surprised "That's good. What was upsetting you though?"

I dropped my head and studied the ground in front of me. "Rose."

"What do you mean?" he sounded puzzled.

"I was just missing her." I sighed. I told him about what I'd said to Jennie and he laughed. "But that made me miss Rosalie and I just needed to come out here and clear my head."

"That's understandable." His hand squeezed mine. "Anything I can do to help?"

"You could take me upstairs…" I said.

He raised an eyebrow. "Want to take another shower with me?"

"Actually I was thinking maybe you should bend me over the bed."

"I like that idea. Are you ok with it…with it being that time of the month and all?"

"Oh, no, yesterday was the last day. I'm good."

He grinned at me. "Then baby, we're going upstairs. Screw Alice and her dull sword. If we lock it in the bedroom with us we should be safe enough. As long as we sleep with one eye open"

I laughed. "Let's go."

We passed Alice on the way in and Edward reflexively moved his hands to cover his balls. Alice laughed and waved us on. "Go have fun. I won't make you stay down here any longer."

When we got to his room he locked the door behind us and pushed me gently over the bed. He knelt on the floor and slid his hands up my calves and thighs, trailing kisses along the way. I squirmed under his touch, my skin prickling with sensation. He made his way up to my lower back, his tongue tracing patterns on the sensitive skin as his hands lifted the skirt of my costume, and lowered the thong I was wearing. One hand cupped my ass and I squirmed again, wanting to feel his fingers between my legs.

He fingered me roughly and I moaned. I heard him fumbling with his pants and in a moment his cock replaced his fingers, barely even missing a beat. He fucked me hard and I moaned loudly again, grateful for the loud music downstairs that covered our sounds. My hands clawed at the covers of the bed.

"Harder," I gasped and Edward groaned and slammed into me. "Fuck, I'm close."

He lightly slapped my ass and the sharp sting went straight to my pussy. I felt my muscles clench down and spasm around him and I nearly screamed out loud.

"I'm coming, Edward," I panted. He never stopped, and never slowed down and when the orgasm subsided he was still hard inside of me. I could feel my legs shaking under me but I didn't want to stop. I could hear his skin slapping against mine and the sting from where he had spanked me faded to a dull ache. I reached down to play with my clit, suddenly needing more.

"I want to make you come again, Bella," he rasped and I thrust back against him hard.

My fingers moved to where we were joined, pressing on either side of his cock, wet and slippery from my arousal. "Mmm, play with your clit."

His hands gripped my hips harder, his fingers digging in to my skin. My clit was swollen with arousal and so sensitive. I felt myself twitch as I pressed my fingers tight to it, rubbing with tight, firm circles. The muscles in my thighs and stomach clenched, and I gasped. "Please tell me you're close," Edward groaned.

"Spank me again," I moaned and he shuddered against me and did it, the sharp sting fading to an ache that settled between my thighs.

"Again," I begged and I pressed down hard on my clit just as he spanked me again. My inner muscles spasmed and clenched down on his cock, triggering his orgasm. When we both finally stopped coming I collapsed forward, legs too weak to hold me up anymore.

"Fuck," I gasped as Edward slid out of me and fell onto the bed beside me.

"No shit," he panted. We lay there for quite a while, panting and gasping for air.

I shakily walked to the bathroom, peering inside and locking the door that led out into the hallway. I turned the water on and looked at myself in the mirror. My makeup was smudged, my hair looked as though a tornado had gone through and my costume was completely askew. I looked freshly fucked.

"Damn, Edward, look what you did to me."

He came in, looking worried. "Did I hurt you?"

I laughed. "No of course not. But look at me."

"You are a bit of a mess." He chuckled.

He wasn't much better, and once we'd cleaned up and fallen into bed in an exhausted pleasurable heap I lay there for a while. He fell asleep immediately but for some reason I couldn't. There was a part of me that was starting to become aware of just how addicted I was becoming to Edward. Not just to the wild, passionate sex, but to the quiet moments too. The sweet tender way he reassured me, comforted me, held me. I wondered for a moment if things were getting too intense between us, but there was no way I could give up what we had. No matter what, I needed Edward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you surprised by Bella's reaction to Edward's ex?


	19. Be With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a really difficult chapter for me to write. It actually took me a bit by surprise when I wrote it, because I had never intended for it to be so angsty, but it demanded to be written, particularly the conversation with Alice and it's very important to the story.

**Chapter Nineteen: Be With Me**

You were standing in a dark club

Down in New Orleans

You were walking by a cafe

On a Paris street

Be with me

Protect me from the darkness of the sun

Be with me

Right now I just need to be with someone

Saw you lying on the soft bed

I had made for you

Words unspoken

Are the only words I know are true

Be with me

You are the flower in a desert sea

Be with me

Until the time decides that I will leave

It will leave

Be with me

Saw you laughing

Under the heavy London winter sky

Saw you disappear

Into the coldness of the morning light

Be with me

Protect me from the darkness of the sun

Be with me

Right now I just need to be with someone

Oh with someone

Be with me

Be with me

-"Be With Me" by VAST

* * *

In the morning when I awoke I slipped on a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt and hesitated before I grabbed Edward's sweatshirt. It was hanging on the back of his chair and I wondered if he'd mind. The air was cool though and my shirt wasn't really warm enough. I tugged his shirt on before I could second-guess myself again and quietly went out into the hall. The house was silent. I peered into the living room but it looked like only Alice and I had stayed. The house was a mess, although not as much as I had expected. I picked everything up in the kitchen, throwing away the plastic cups and loading the dishwasher. I was surprisingly awake considering what time it was and the early morning quiet of the house was nice. Once the kitchen was clean I opened the fridge. I pulled bacon out of the freezer, and eggs and milk to make French toast.

I was whisking vanilla into the eggs when I felt warm arms wrap around me.

"Morning gorgeous," Edward murmured into my hair and I closed my eyes and leaned back into him.

"Morning. I hope I didn't wake you up."

"No, I just missed having you next to me." Edward's voice was low and husky from sleep.

"Sorry, I woke up early and I couldn't fall back to sleep."

"That's alright." He straightened up a little but didn't let go of me. "I can't believe you cleaned."

I shrugged and finished whisking. "It's no big deal. I wanted to make breakfast and I needed the counter space."

"Thank you. You really didn't have to do either, you know."

"I know. But I like cooking."

"What are you making?"

"French toast. I was hoping you had some fruit to put on top but I don't see any."

He let go of me to rummage in the freezer. "Will frozen raspberries work?"

"Mmm, yes." I smiled at him. He was wearing nothing but a pair of pajama pants low on his hips and I couldn't help but eye his bare chest appreciatively. "Sorry I stole your sweatshirt."

He yawned. "It looks cute on you. I like it."

"But clearly it left you without any shirts to wear," I teased him.

"I was just too lazy to put on a shirt on." He laughed.

"I think I like it when you're lazy," I admitted and he leaned down to kiss me.

"Can I help with anything?" he asked when he was finished.

"Want to cook the bacon?"

"Sure. I should probably put on a shirt first though, bacon grease on bare skin just sounds painful."

"Yeah, no marring the goods. I want to be able to enjoy that skin of yours, it's positively edible." I traced my fingers across the flat planes of his stomach, dipping my finger into the waistband of his pajamas and tracing along the edge.

He pulled me close, leaning against the counter so I rested between his legs.

"I'm edible, huh?" He twisted my hair up off my neck and kissed along it. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his lips on my skin.

"Very," I said breathlessly.

"Then let's go upstairs and forget all about French Toast for a while." He turned to kiss me and I couldn't believe I was so worked up again after the night before. I moaned against his mouth and pressed hard against him. He spun me around and lifted me onto the counter.

I squeaked, surprised at how easily he'd picked me up but his lips met mine again and I forgot about anything but his kiss. He tugged gently on the zipper of the sweatshirt and parted it. His fingers slipped under the soft tshirt and then his lips followed, warm and gentle against my bare stomach. I squirmed a little, feeling ticklish all of a sudden and he laughed quietly against my skin.

"I forget how ticklish you are," he teased me.

"Mmmhmm," I murmured as his lips moved higher. He worked the shirt up over my chest but left it on along with the sweatshirt. His tongue traced along the edge of my bra. We both jumped when we heard laughter from the hallway.

"Really? On the kitchen counter?" Jasper teased us as he and Alice walked into the room. I blushed bright red and Edward tugged down my shirt and zipped up the hoodie.

"Yes, really. Until you interrupted." He glared at them.

"You do have a bedroom you know," Jasper drawled. I slid down onto the floor but didn't turn around to face them.

Edward's arm wrapped protectively around my shoulders and I rested my head against his chest. "I know I do. But the counter was closer."

"You're really not helping here," I hissed.

He grinned down at me. "Sorry."

I finally turned around to face Alice and Jasper, grateful that at least Emmett wasn't there too, I knew he'd tease us unmercifully. My face was still red but I couldn't hide forever. I turned back to the stove to start on breakfast and Edward went upstairs to grab a shirt. Jasper wandered off and Alice came up to me.

"It looks like you were having fun," she teased, "you looked very cozy on the counter."

I rolled my eyes. "It wasn't like we planned it. We just aren't very good at keeping our hands off of each other."

"Obviously. Don't you think it's about time you admit there's something going on here?"

"Shut up Alice," I growled. I slammed a pan down on the stove and it was louder than I intended.

"What's put you in such a bad mood again?" she asked.

"I'm just sick of all of the little comments about the two of us," I said. "I didn't make any when you and Jasper were all over each other all the time."

"Well, we were a couple, you two are just going at it like rabbits."

"You have a problem with that?"

"It's just weird. You guys act like you're in a relationship, but you claim it doesn't mean anything."

"Honestly Alice, it really isn't any of your business."

"Look, I just don't want this to get any messier than it already is. Rosalie's already gone thanks to you and Edward." She stopped abruptly as if she'd realized what she said.

My voice cracked. "Thanks Al. I feel guilty enough already. And remember that she was the one who left without even talking to me. I didn't start this again until after that."

"Tell yourself whatever you want Bella. Just don't fuck up things for the rest of us when whatever you have with Edward implodes."

She turned and walked upstairs without another word and I sank to the floor, resting my head on my knees as I sobbed. I didn't even hear Edward come back downstairs and into the kitchen.

"Bella? What is it?" Edward pulled me close and I settled onto his lap, my head at his shoulder and my arms around his neck.

"It's Alice," I blubbered. "She's pissed at me and I don't know what to do…"

At least that's what I tried to say, but the words were interspersed with sobbing and sniffling and I wasn't sure he'd understood any of it.

"Shh. It's alright. You and Alice can work it out." His hands smoothed over my hair and he rested his cheek on top of my head. I cried against his chest until the tears eventually dissipated. I pulled back and wiped at my eyes.

"God, I did it again, I snotted all over your shirt."

He laughed and kissed the top of my head. "It's ok. I know you just did it to get it off of me again," he teased.

I sniffed. "Yeah, that's it."

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" he asked gently.

I shook my head. "Not really. Just something stupid that Alice and I fought about."

"If you're sure." He tilted my chin up and looked into my eyes. He looked worried.

"I'm sure."

I disentangled myself and stood up. I turned the burner on and pulled out a plate to soak the bread in the egg. Edward stood beside me gently rubbing my shoulder. My hands were still shaking and I spilled some of the raspberries onto the top of the stove when I tried to pour them into the pan. Edward scooped them up and put them back in the pan without commenting. But he squeezed my hand and pulled out a second pan to make the bacon.

By the time breakfast was ready I had calmed down and Edward carried the plates up to his room. I was grateful, I didn't want another encounter with Alice until I'd had some time to cool off. We had both finished eating before either of us spoke.

"I'm sorry." I sighed, leaning back against his headboard.

"What are you sorry about?"

"Ugh. Everything? You shouldn't have had to deal with it."

"I don't even really know what happened. Just that Alice and you had an argument and I found you crying in the kitchen."

"She just made some really nasty comments about the two of us, and it completely blindsided me."

Edward frowned. "What kind of comments?"

"Just shit about the fact that we'd already fucked stuff up with Rosalie and she didn't want things to get more messed up. Apparently it would be fine if we were a couple or something," I snorted. "I don't really know. I don't have a clue what's going on with her."

He fell back onto the bed, thumb and forefinger pinching the bridge of his nose. He closed his eyes for a moment and then said softly, "Do you think we should end this?"

My throat closed involuntarily and I had to force myself to swallow. "I don't want to."

"I don't want to either, but do you think we should?"

"I don't know." My voice was shaky and strained sounding.

He rolled onto his side and looked up at me through his eyelashes. He was so beautiful right then and the thought of never seeing him again, never being with him hurt. There was a sharp stabbing pain in my chest and I wondered if he could see my anguish. His eyes were sad too and I wondered what he was thinking.

"I want to be with you Bella, I'm just…I feel awful. I've made such a huge mess with this. I don't want you to lose your friends because of me."

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to breathe normally. "I don't either. And I'm sorry about all of the drama. I hate it, I really do. And I know you don't want to deal with it, just to get laid."

Edward looked troubled. "It's not just getting laid. Bella, I like you. I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I feel good when I'm around you."

I looked down at the bed, fidgeting with the hem of my pants. "I know. It just doesn't seem like any of it is worth all of this."

"You don't think it's worth it?"

"I do," I protested. "I just don't know why you think it is."

He scooted closer to me and cupped my face in his hand. "Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Then trust that I'm being honest. I like what we have. I like it a lot. The only reason I'd give it up is if you wanted to."

"Well I don't. I like what we have too."

"Then try not to second guess it." He kissed me and I pushed myself closer to him, wanting to feel his skin against mine, desperate to relieve the anger and pain I'd been feeling. I wanted to lose myself in Edward. I quickly stripped and tugged his clothing off as well, my hands skimming over his body. I parted my legs and guided Edward inside of me.

"I need to feel you," I whispered as I wound my arms around his neck, pulling him close.

He slid his arms underneath me to cradle me to him. He thrust slowly and deeply inside of me and I buried my head against his neck. I breathed in his scent, willing myself to forget the argument with Alice. He slid in and out of me and a while later I felt him shudder against me.

"God, I'm about to come Bella," he whispered. "Are you close?"

"Not yet."

"Please," he begged, his voice sounded strained and desperate.

"Shh. Come for me, I don't care," I moaned. "I just want to feel you."

He reached down between us to play with my clit but I pulled his hand away.

"No, I don't need it. Just come for me Edward."

He groaned as he came deep inside me and I held his body tight against mine, my legs still wound around his. Neither of us spoke for a while and I was content to just be held.

"I'm sorry," he said eventually. He frowned down at me, his hands coming to rest on either side of my face as he stared into my eyes.

"Don't be."

"But I wanted you to come too."

"I just needed to feel you."

He rolled off of me and pulled my back against his chest. "If you're sure."

I nodded. "It was perfect."

I slipped into a light sleep and Edward stroked my hair before he fell asleep as well.

About an hour later there was a knock on the door. Edward got out of bed and pulled on pants to answer it. I heard him speak to someone in a low voice, but I couldn't hear more than a murmur. He closed the door and came back to the bed.

"Alice wants to know if you want to ride back with her."

I shook my head. "Ugh, not really. But I have to get back somehow."

"I can drive you in the morning, what time is your first class?"

"10:20."

"My first tutoring session is 11, I'll just leave a little earlier than usual."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"No problem."

He went to the door again and spoke to Alice. She nodded and gave me a sad look before she walked away. I burrowed into the covers, wanting to rewind the day and start over from the beginning. Edward crawled into bed beside me and stroked my hair again, not saying anything.

We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in bed watching movies, ordering takeout, having sex. If it hadn't been for the fact that I knew that I was hiding, it would have been a great day. As it was, I was depressed, and despite the Thai food that Edward tempted me with, I could hardly manage to choke down more than a few bites. We both fell asleep early and I woke up screaming from a vague and indistinct nightmare. Edward soothed me, and I fell back into a fitful sleep.

I woke up in the morning still exhausted and Edward didn't look much more rested than I did. The drive to Seattle was quiet and he kissed me goodbye before he left, tucking my hair back behind my ear and giving me an extra long hug. I buried my head against his neck and breathed in his scent, comforted by his nearness. I felt vulnerable and lonely after he was gone, wishing he could have stayed. But I felt guilty too, for being so needy. I'd promised myself that I'd never be clingy or needy with Edward, but I found it difficult. I felt better with him around, there was no denying that.

I went to class and ate dinner by myself. I studied while I ate, trying to ignore Alice sitting three tables over. She looked sad, but I didn't know what to say to her. She obviously had a problem with Edward and I, and I wasn't sure how to deal with the situation. I choked down as much food as I could manage and was almost to my room when she stopped me.

"Bella?"

I turned to face her. She was almost crying, tears filling her eyes and I couldn't bear to see her like that.

"Yes?"

"Can we talk?"

I nodded and unlocked my door, letting her inside before I closed it. I sat down on the couch and she took my desk chair.

"I'm so sorry." Tears spilled down her cheeks and she pulled her legs up against her chest, wrapping her arms around them. "I was really cruel to you and I shouldn't have said that. I'm not thrilled with what's going on with you and Edward, but it's your business."

"Why does what Edward and I have bother you so much?" I asked.

"It just worries me. I'm afraid you're going to get hurt. You guys can't keep pretending like it's just sex."

"It's not just sex. I care about Edward. But it isn't a relationship either."

"Do you want it to be?"

"God, Alice, I don't know."

"Why the hell are you so against relationships?"

"I'm not against the idea of them entirely. I just...fuck, I don't know, Alice. I don't want to turn into my parents. They were wildly, madly in love one minute and the next minute my mom was freaking out about spending the rest of her life with a husband and a child and running off with a baseball player. And Charlie's been pining for her ever since. It doesn't exactly make me want to jump into something with someone."

"Not all relationships end that way, Bella."

"But what if this does? You can't promise me it won't."

"No, I can't, but you have to at least give it a chance."

"It scares the shit out of me."

"I'm not saying it's easy, but it's worth it, Bella."

"Maybe it is, but I can't do it, Alice. Maybe someday, but not now."

"Just think about it, please."

I sighed. "Look, even if I wanted a relationship, Edward isn't the type. He never has been. I won't push him."

"Just because he hasn't been doesn't mean he might not be willing to give it a shot with you. He cares about you."

"Yeah, and what if you're wrong? What if I push, and he runs and I don't have him in my life at all? I'm not willing to risk it for some vague chance."

"But, Bella..."

"I can't keep arguing this with you, Alice. It's my decision and you need to let me make it. If I screw up, I'll have to live with the consequences but I don't want to spend my time fighting with you about it."

She sighed. "I know. You know I suck at this though. I like meddling."

"I know..." I laughed sadly. "Trust me, Alice...I know it's hard for you to just sit by. But I need you to do that for me. Please?"

She nodded. "I'm not happy about it, but nothing is worth losing you over."

"I have something I need to talk to you about too," I added.

"Okay."

"I need to you stop manipulating things to throw Edward and I together."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh come on…my birthday, Halloween, do they ring a bell?"

"Hey," she protested. "I had very little to do with your birthday. Edward came to me about the hotel. All I did was make sure you got to the restaurant and that he had your bag of clothes. That was all him."

"Oh." Somewhere in the back of my mind I had assumed it was something Alice had orchestrated. "I'm sorry I assumed..."

"That's okay."

"But what about Halloween?"

"I just thought it would be fun. And it made more sense for us to stay for the weekend."

"Yeah, it did. But it put me in an awkward position. I don't want to crowd Edward and make him uncomfortable. I had planned to spend Saturday night, but I wasn't really comfortable assuming I could stay Friday."

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that."

"Yeah. I mean, it was fine, he didn't care…but just…think about it next time. Please."

"Alright."

She looked down at the floor and didn't say anything for a moment. Eventually she hesitantly said, "I'm kind of having a rough time and I think I took it out on you."

"What's wrong?" I asked, suddenly worried about her.

"Well, this weekend is anniversary of when Ryan died..."

"Oh god, Alice...I didn't even think about it."

She always got a little down around the anniversary of her brother's death. Despite the fact that she was too young to remember him she grieved for the brother she never got to know and I felt guilty for not being more aware of it. I went over and hugged her hard and she relaxed into my hug, tucking her head against my neck.

"I've just been thinking about how much he'd like Jasper you know? And they could go do guy stuff together and he could harass me about dating him. And threaten to hurt Jasper if he wasn't good to me and that's never going to happen. He won't ever get to meet him." She sniffled and I rocked her as she cried for a while. After, she sat up and blew her nose and her red-rimmed grey eyes met mine.

"Thanks. I think I needed that."

"I feel horrible that I forgot what time of year it was," I admitted.

She shrugged. "I understand."

"You should have said something to me."

"I know. You are just so wrapped up in Edward. And I really am happy for you, but I'm scared for you guys too."

"I'm a little scared myself. It's kind of why I've been avoiding thinking too much about it," I admitted.

"I know." She hugged me. "I am sorry if I hurt you."

"I'm sorry too. Can we just agree to disagree on this for now?"

She nodded. "I'll keep my mouth shut, even if I have to use duct tape to do it."

I laughed quietly. "I'd like to see that."

"I should head back to my room, I have a ton of stuff I have to get done for class tomorrow. But can we do dinner tomorrow night?"

"I'd like that."

It was a huge relief that Alice and I had worked out our disagreement. I felt like a terrible friend for neglecting her though. I resolved to do better and came up with a few ideas for things we could do in the next few weeks. No matter what happened with Edward, Alice had to be a priority.

I was however somewhat uneasy about our conversation. She had been pushing relentlessly for Edward and I to get in a relationship and I wasn't quite sure how I felt about it. It wasn't that the idea had never crossed my mind, but it made me uneasy.

I had a vague idea in my head of how I expected my life to play out. I'd finish my undergrad, get a job, date some, fall in love, and maybe get married eventually. But it was a long way off and it didn't include a serious relationship at nineteen. The few successful relationship I had seen were ones where people had waited before they rushed into things. Alice's parents had met in when he was in law school and she was in med school, and had worked hard to establish their careers before they had Ryan and Alice. Charlie was twenty when he had me, and Renee was just shy of her nineteenth birthday. I shuddered at the thought. Mr. and Mrs. Brandon were in their mid thirties when they had Alice. They had married in their late twenties and had Ryan shortly thereafter. They had the time to be sure it was what they wanted. My parents had been ridiculously young, it was no wonder their relationship had fallen apart. There was no way I was going to repeat their mistakes, I promised myself. My parents, the Hales, the Stanleys, they had all married young, and look where that had gotten them, divorced and miserable. The Clearwaters and Brandons were still together and they had waited. It made sense. I was being responsible by not rushing into anything. A serious relationship was fine, eventually, as long as it was a long way off. I had exactly what I needed at the moment.

Besides, I had no reason to believe that Edward had any interest in a long-term relationship, with me or anyone else. He'd been frank and open about his opinion on them. He had neither the time nor the interest in a girlfriend while he was focused on school and his music. And who was to say that his opinion would change when he graduated? He still had to establish his career, which I couldn't imagine was terribly easy. It wasn't like graduating with a degree in engineering or teaching. To be honest, I'd never heard him consider the idea of a relationship or marriage or a family. Maybe it was as vague and nebulous of an idea in his head as it was in mine. Someday. Later. In the future. He was happy with what we had. He was important to me, but what did it mean? Did I need him to promise his undying devotion to me? Look how far that had taken Renee and Charlie. So maybe it was more than what he'd had with Rosalie, or any of the girls before that. We were happy together, in this weird little arrangement we had. Calling ourselves friends with benefits sounded so juvenile, and lovers was kind of pretentious. But whatever our label, it was comfortable, enjoyable. It didn't stress me out and make me feel tied down and anxious. I knew that at some point, eventually things between us had to change, but there was no reason to hurry that along. Edward was my friend and my lover and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you have a better understanding of what's going on in Bella's head and why she's been so reluctant to consider a relationship with Edward. We're just a handful of chapters from her realizing she's falling in love with him, but they have a long way to go before they are able to admit it to each other.
> 
> What did you think of Bella's disagreement with Alice?
> 
> Were Bella's reasons for avoiding a relationship valid? Or is she just scared?


	20. Just Can't Get Enough

**Chapter Twenty: Just Can't Get Enough**

When I`m with you baby

I go out of my head

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

All the things you do to me

And everything you said

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

We slip and slide as we fall in love

And I just can't seem to get enough

We walk together

We're walking down the street

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

Every time I think of you

I know we have to meet

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

It's getting hotter, it's a burning love

And I just can't seem to get enough

And when it rains

You're shining down for me

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

Just like a rainbow

You know you set me free

I just can't get enough

I just can't get enough

You're like an angel and you give me your love

And I just can't seem to get enough.

-"Just Can't Get Enough" by Depeche Mode

* * *

It had been weeks since I'd seen Edward. I was busy with classes, I had two huge group projects due at the same time as an exam and I was feeling overwhelmed. I had been careful to make time for Alice too, we went to the movies and out for sushi, and to see a couple bands play near campus. It felt good to get back on track with her, but it meant I had next to no time for Edward.

He called one night and said that he could be on his way over after tutoring if I wanted. I hesitated before I spoke, "I don't know Edward…I'm kind of swamped with classes right now…"

He sighed. "Alright. I understand. I should be working on a piece right now actually…"

"I do want to see you I am just feeling really behind." I glanced at the clock, it was already seven o'clock. "I haven't even had a chance to get dinner."

"How about I grab some food on my way over and we can eat, and then I'll work on my piece while you study. There's a piano in the lounge in your building, right?"

"Yep."

"Does that sound ok? We can work on our stuff for a few hours, and then if we both get a lot done…there will be a reward at the end."

"What kind of reward?" I teased.

"I think you have a pretty good idea."

I laughed. "Alright. You can come over, especially since you're bribing me with food. But I really do have to study for a couple of hours."

"I promise I'll let you study."

"See you in a bit then."

I hung up my phone and grabbed my history book again. I had four chapters to read and as much as I loved history, it was a horribly written book. I was starting to think it was the cure for insomnia. I barely made it half a chapter in before my eyes started to droop. When the knock on the door came I was startled fully awake.

"Hey," I said when I opened the door.

Edward stood there grinning at me and I opened the door to let him in. He kissed me quickly on the lips before coming inside.

"I brought food. I never seem to remember to ask you what you want, so I hope I did all right. I figured it was hard to go wrong with sandwiches from the deli at the Union. One is turkey with avocado and sprouts, and the other is ham and provolone, take whichever one you want." He sat down on the couch and I left the door open and sat next to him.

"I'll take the turkey please, if you don't mind. I love avocado."

He handed it to me with a smile. "I don't mind. I like both of them."

I unwrapped it and took a bite.

"I've never eaten at the deli, these are really good though. I hadn't realized how hungry I was."

"Good."

We ate quietly for a moment before he spoke. I see you left the door open," he teased me.

"Yep. Had to make sure we didn't just hop into bed."

He laughed. "Probably a good idea. You look pretty cute right now."

I looked down and groaned, realizing I'd never bothered to change into anything nicer after he called.

"Yeah, I'm the height of fashion."

I was wearing yoga pants and a hooded sweatshirt that said 'I got kicked out of the bookstore for moving Bibles to the fiction section.'

He laughed. "I dunno. I like the shirt. And the socks are cute."

I wiggled my toes and grinned. "I like patterned socks. They used to be Rottweilers but they shrank in the wash and now they kind of look like Dachshunds."

He threw his head back and laughed. "Yeah, they really do, they have really stubby legs now." He smiled at me. "You have a great sense of humor, you know that?"

I grinned back at him. "Thanks."

We sat there for a few moments until I sighed and crumpled up the wrapping from my sandwich.

"I'm done eating and if you are too, we should probably study now." I sighed.

"Ugh, yeah probably."

I gathered up my books and stuffed them into a bag. I went to pick it up but Edward grabbed it from me. "I can carry it for you."

"But you have your bag too."

He shrugged. "It looks heavy."

I rolled my eyes but didn't protest. I locked the room and we had just stepped out of the door when Alicia accosted us.

"Hey, Bella. Do you guys want to go to a party tonight?" Her eyes never left Edward as she spoke.

"Sorry, we can't. We both have a ton of work to get done. Thanks for the invite though."

She smirked. "Work. Yeah. Have fun with that."

I laughed and she finally looked over at me.

"I'm serious, I have a lot of chapters to read and Edward has stuff to do for his classes too."

"Bummer," she said, "I'll catch you later then?" she smiled at Edward.

He smiled politely and didn't reply. He wrapped an arm around my waist and he kissed me on the cheek when we were halfway down the hall.

"I think she's still staring at us," he whispered in my ear.

I laughed. "I'm sure she is. Although it's you she's staring at…not me. She's probably checking out your ass," I teased him.

"Ugh. It's creepy. What am I going to have to do to get her to leave me alone?"

"You probably don't want to even think about it." We walked down to the first floor and into the lounge.

"I knew there was a piano in here," Edward said, "You get comfortable on the couch and study, and I'll work on my piece. Hopefully I won't be too distracting."

"You're always distracting," I said dryly.

He rolled his eyes. "Well, hopefully my playing won't be too distracting."

He kissed me and walked over to the piano. I got settled on the couch and watched him get ready to play. He pulled out a notebook and a pencil and set them on the piano. He gently touched the keys and the sound filled the room.

"Hey, it's not horribly out of tune. I'm impressed." He gave me a pleased smile.

"I've heard someone playing in here before, I think someone who lives in the building is a music major too."

"Cool." He gave me a look of mock-seriousness and pointed at me. "Now study. And if you're a good girl I'll give you a reward."

"What kind of reward?" I teased him, but I opened up my book and grabbed a highlighter.

"Brownies." He smiled at me, "I got them at the deli too."

"Ooh. Now that's even better than what I was thinking of.

He looked horrified. "I hope not."

I grinned at him. "Well I won't be able to judge that if we don't get to work."

He smiled and started playing softly. I watched him for a moment before I could look down at my book and get to work. The music was soothing, despite the frequent starts and stops as he'd play a section and then furiously scribble in the notebook. It helped keep me awake while I read though and I finished a chapter and a half in no time. I glanced up at Edward, he looked like he was struggling with something. His hair was standing on end and he had the bridge of his nose pinched between his thumb and forefinger. He looked frustrated. I got up quietly and went to stand behind him.

"You ok?" I asked softly, and he jumped.

"Yeah, just annoyed. I'm kind of stuck."

I put my hands on his shoulders and gently squeezed.

He sighed and relaxed back against me. "Sorry if I interrupted you."

"No, it's fine. It helped me focus. I'm about halfway done. I just wanted to take a break for a few minutes."

He sat up long enough to spin around on the piano bench until he was facing me.

"I could give you a little taste of your reward…just to help motivate you." He looked up at me through his eyelashes.

"Brownies?" I said hopefully, but he grinned and shook his head.

"Something else."

He pulled me down until I was straddling him on the bench and kissed me slowly and thoroughly. He wove his fingers through my hair and his hands cradled the back of my head. The kisses were slow and intense, every movement measured and deliberate. I gripped his shirt with my fists, trying not to let myself get too lost in the kiss to realize we were in a public place. He groaned quietly against my mouth and I shifted on top of him, aware of how wet and ready I was for him, and of the way the thin fabric of my yoga pants made it so easy to feel him hardening beneath me. Eventually we pulled apart gasping and I could feel my heart thudding in my chest.

"How was that?" he whispered, "better than brownies?"

"Close." I stood up and backed away before he could grab me. "but now I need to study again."

He sighed. "You don't make this easy, do you?"

"Nope."

I grinned at him and went back to my couch. I did my best to ignore him but I kept stealing glances at him every so often. I made it to the end of the fourth chapter, although I wasn't sure how much of the last one had really sunk in. My brain felt…full. I sighed and stretched and saw Edward glance over at me.

"You done?" he asked hopefully.

I nodded and yawned. "Yep. And it nearly put me to sleep."

He stuffed his notebook back in his bag and closed the lid on the piano.

"I've done all I can for the night too. I feel like I've hit a brick wall." He ran a hand through his hair and smiled at me.

He closed the lid on the piano and helped me gather up my things. He took my hand and we started up the stairs.

"Ready for your reward?"

I laughed. "Yes, I'm ravenous."

"I never should have mentioned the brownies," he muttered.

"Who said I was talking about brownies?"

He paused on the stairs, a look of shock on his face.

I laughed. "Uh, Edward, you alright there?"

His eyes were intense as they looked into mine. "You are in so much trouble."

I jogged up the stairs and it took him a moment to start up after me. He was weighed down with both of our bags and I easily made it to the fourth floor ahead of him. Although, I barely had time to get my keys in the lock and get the door open before he caught me and slammed it behind us. He tackled me and we fell onto the couch laughing.

"You. Are. In. So. Much. Trouble," he panted.

"You promise?" I teased him and he growled. He kissed the side of my neck, nipping at it with his teeth and I squealed and squirmed under him. His hands made quick work of our clothing and without any further foreplay he was inside of me. My laughter dissolved into a moan and I wrapped my legs around his hips. Playful quickly turned into needy and rough. He thrust deep into me and I moved with him, eager to come. He hooked an arm under my knee to bring it up higher and I moaned loudly when it deepened the thrust.

"Fuck, Edward," I gasped.

He bit at my neck and chest as he fucked me and I found myself clawing at his back, wanting to feel more.

"Harder," I begged and he grabbed my other thigh and lifted it up.

When he thrust in it was so deep I could hardly manage more than a gasp. He moved hard and fast within me and we both came with a loud groan before he collapsed on top of me. I stretched out my shaky legs and sighed.

"So, how was your reward?" he teased me, his lips trailing across the skin of my neck.

I pretended to frown. "Eh, it was alright."

"Just alright?"

He flipped us over until I was on top of him, and he thrust his hips up at me. He was still partially hard inside of me and I laughed and sat up, making sure to clench my muscles as I did.

"You'll have to show me what I could have done better," he said breathlessly.

"It just isn't dessert if it doesn't have at least some chocolate," I teased him.

He grinned at me and reached down to the floor for his book bag. He rummaged around in it without even looking and triumphantly pulled out a paper bag and handed it to me. I peeked inside and pulled out two brownies.

"Now that looks like dessert," I teased him. I unwrapped one of them and took a bite. "Mmm, now this is what I had in mind."

He frowned at me and I fed him a piece of it. "Those are good."

"Told you." I smiled smugly at him and took another bite. He opened his mouth and I fed him another piece. I alternated, feeding first myself, and them him and when I had finished I noticed a large crumb had dropped onto his chest. I leaned down and licked it off of his skin. I took my time with it, teasing him with my tongue and he moaned.

"You're killing me, Bella."

"You like it." I moved my lips to his, tasting the chocolate in his mouth.

"I know." He held my head to his, fingers tangling in my hair.

I slowly rocked against him and he whispered, "I want to watch you."

I sat up slowly and placed my hands on his chest, moving over him in long easy strokes. I concentrated on the feeling of him sliding in and out of my body. It was a sharp contrast to our earlier mood. His fingers toyed with my hard nipples until I was writhing under his touch. Eventually they moved down, his thumb stroking over my clit in time with the steady rhythm I'd started as I rocked over him. My hair had been up in a ponytail and he tugged the elastic out with his free hand so it tumbled down over my shoulders and arms.

"So beautiful," he said quietly, his fingers brushing against the curls.

Eventually, the combined stimulation of his cock working inside of me and the pressure on my clit sent me over the edge. I cried out and collapsed forward onto his chest, his own release coming immediately after mine. His hands stroked over my hair brushing it back and forth and I found it soothing. I was almost half asleep when he gently eased me off of him and cleaned us both up. He turned out the light and it was only a few minutes after he wrapped his arms around me that I fell into a deep sleep. When I finally stirred, I was disoriented. Edward mumbled in his sleep and I gently shook him awake.

"What time is it?" he muttered, sleepily rubbing at his eyes.

My voice was hoarse when I spoke. "Late, it's almost 2."

"Wow. I didn't expect to sleep that long." He stretched and curled around me, looking very unmotivated to get up.

"Do you want to just stay?" I asked softly and he nodded, yawning.

"If you don't mind."

"I don't mind. What time do you have to be up in the morning?"

He shrugged. "I can pretty much get up whenever, I have a meeting tomorrow at 11 on campus, but I can just get up when you do for your first class and hang out in the music building until my meeting."

"I have to be up pretty early, I have my eight o'clock tomorrow. Why don't you just sleep in tomorrow and leave just before your meeting."

He yawned again. "That sounds great, if it's ok with you."

"I wouldn't have offered otherwise. I'll leave the keys on my desk, just lock up and leave them with Alice."

"K."

Despite the small bed, it was nice to fall asleep beside him again. _This could get downright addictive_ , I thought to myself as I drifted to sleep with his arm wrapped around my waist. The weight of it pinned me close and I snuggled up to his warmth.

In the morning I re-set the alarm for him and got ready for class. The weather had turned cool and I tugged on warm clothes. I brushed my teeth and washed my face and pulled my hair up into a ponytail. I was always amazed at the girls who came to class looking liked they'd spent hours getting ready. Especially for an eight o'clock. I would rather sleep in, especially this morning. It had been hard to crawl out of bed with Edward still in it. He had been warm and relaxed, and when I'd tried to get up he'd reflexively curled an arm around me to pull me close to him. I still had a few minutes before I had to leave for class and I sat at my desk, staring at him. It was the first time I had actually watched him sleep. He was sprawled on his stomach, his face turned to me. His dark lashes were thick and long against his cheeks and his lips curved into a smile. He looked relaxed, and younger than I'd ever seen him, almost vulnerable somehow. I couldn't stop myself from brushing my hand over his wild hair and he murmured my name softly in his sleep. I pulled my hand back, afraid to wake him, but I pressed my lips to his hair gently. I took one last look at him before I closed the door quietly behind me. I spent the day with a small, content smile on my face. It grew when I found a note from him tucked underneath a brownie on my desk.

_Bella,_

_Thanks for letting me stay, I always sleep so well when I'm next to you. Hope your exam goes well. I'll be thinking of you._

_-Edward_

I was surprised to realize how much I missed sleeping beside him that night when I went to bed. I tossed and turned, unable to fall asleep. I hesitated before messaging him, but finally gave in and grabbed my phone after I tossed and turned for nearly an hour. I was surprised to find a message he'd sent earlier that I'd missed.

_**Decided I don't like sleeping without you. Can't sleep, how about you? E** _

_**Me either. Just got up to send you the same message. Great minds think alike? B** _

_**I was hoping if I concentrated hard enough you'd appear. No such luck. E** _

_**Is that all that's hard? B** _

_**It was. Emphasis on the past tense. Damn you. E** _

_**Sorry I'm not there to help out with that. B** _

_**Me too. E** _

_**I have an early class and I'm sure you don't want to drive two hours to come back to Seattle, I think we're out of luck. B** _

_**Damn it. I know. Not loving this big bed all to myself though. E** _

_**My tiny bed is still too big. (yawns) Finally getting sleepy though. B** _

_**Sweet dreams beautiful. I miss you. E** _

_**Thanks. Miss you too. Night Edward. B** _

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? Do you think they are starting to act like a couple? Even if they don't realize it...


	21. What Are We Gonna Do

**Chapter Twenty One: What Are We Gonna Do**

You don't have to make your mind up

I just wanna take my time with you

If that's alright it's alright

Oh forgive me if I get too shy but

Maybe you're the reason why, love

I'm feelin' butterflies

Somethin' about the look in your eyes

It just makes me feel so right

Well you're my boy

You're my joy

You're the dream

I'm for you

I adore your everything (that I need)

I love how you love me

If I'm made for you

You're made for me

It's too good to be

So tell me what we're gonna do now

Tell me what we're gonna do now

Funny how my world keeps spinning

Sometimes you can be so silly

You know just how to make me laugh

You're skin is so lovely

You move me when you touch me

I know that you got my back

I feel so safe when you hold me

It's already like you know me

Well you're my boy

You're my joy

You're the dream

I'm for you

I adore your everything (that I need)

I love how you love me

If I'm made for you

You're made for me

It's too good to be

So tell me what we're gonna do now

Oh right now

-"What Are We Gonna Do" by Joss Stone

* * *

One of my midterms hadn't gone well at all. I groaned when I saw the grade posted online. I had studied my ass off and I couldn't figure out how I'd done so badly. It was worth a large portion of my final grade in the class and I was really worried that it would drop my overall GPA. Stressed out and needing a distraction, I called Edward. I was surprised when I got his voicemail and I stuttered out a message.

"Um, hey, it's me, Bella. I just had kind of a crappy day and I wanted to talk to you. Call me tonight if you get a chance, and if you have time, I'd like to see you this week. Uh, talk to you later. Bye."

I was even more surprised when he didn't call back that night, or for three days after that. When he finally called I was somewhere between being worried about him and irritated.

"Bella?"

"Hey." I knew I sounded short and a little frustrated.

"I am so sorry I didn't call. God, I feel like an ass. I missed your call somehow, I was completely wrapped up in the theater production I did the music for."

He sounded so contrite I didn't have the heart to stay annoyed. Clearly it hadn't been intentional. I sighed. "It's alright. I understand. I actually totally forgot you had that coming up. How are performances going?"

"Pretty well. Everything I did is pre-recorded and technically I don't have to be at every performance, but I feel like I need to be there in case something goes wrong. So what's going on with you? I got your voicemail saying that you had a shitty day, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just did really badly on my midterm and it's worth a pretty big chunk of my overall grade. It's stressing me out. I just called to vent."

"Sorry I wasn't around. I feel awful."

"No, it's alright. I was bummed at first," I admitted. "But I understand."

He sighed. "See, I told you I was a bastard who gets wrapped up in his work."

I laughed. "Nah, you're fine. It's really not that big of a deal. I was just hoping for a bit of help relaxing."

He groaned. "You know I would have been happy to help you out with that."

"I know. And I was so looking forward to it."

"Any chance of a rain check?"

"Hmm. If you're a good boy."

"You know I'm always a good boy."

"Mmm, something like that. What's your schedule like tomorrow?"

"Complete crap. I am so busy it's ridiculous."

"Bummer."

"Shit, maybe I can move some stuff around."

"Yeah, just let me know when you're free."

"I'll call you the moment I find out. Fuck, I have to go now, I've got a gig tonight. Night gorgeous. Dream of me."

I laughed. "I will."

A few nights later I was in the middle of studying when I heard a knock on the door. I was shocked to open it and find Edward standing there.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Surprising you."

"Yes you are. Come in."

I shut the door behind him and he pulled me into his arms, his nose nuzzling into my hair.

"Sorry about earlier this week. I didn't mean to do that to you."

I shrugged. "It's not a big deal."

"I just don't want you to think I was ignoring you."

"I wondered for a sec but I figured you had a good reason. And you did."

"You deserve better." He sighed and looked away from me.

I tightened my arms around him and turned his face to mine. "Hey, it's alright, you don't owe me anything."

"You deserve not to be ignored." He frowned.

"Were you ignoring me intentionally?"

"Of course not," he said, sounding horrified.

"Then no big deal." I leaned forward to kiss him and he didn't respond for a moment. "Trust me," I whispered.

I traced my tongue along the seam of his lips and he groaned and pulled me closer, his tongue tangling with mine. He pulled back and led me over to the couch. I'd been using it as a bed the last few days and the sheets were on it already.

"Can I make you feel better?" he whispered, unbuttoning my shirt and slipping it off of my shoulders.

"You always do," I said softly.

He removed the rest of my clothing but left his on. He pushed me gently back onto the couch and knelt in front of me. I was propped up against the back and he trailed his fingers across my bare thighs. The skin pebbled beneath his touch and I shivered.

"I want to make you come," he said quietly and his tongue flicked out to taste the skin just above my knee.

"You don't have to."

"Believe me, I want to do this." He parted my legs and kissed my inner thigh. "I want to make you forget."

I moaned. "It's working already."

I could feel him smile against my skin and his tongue darted out to trace up my thigh to my pussy. He teased me at first, his tongue lapped softly at my lips before he parted them with his fingers. The tip of his tongue flicked across my clit and I shuddered against him. His tongue delved inside of me and he cupped my hips to lift me higher. I let out a shuddering sigh and wound my fingers through his hair. He teased me over and over, bringing me right to the peak before pulling back just enough that I didn't quite come.

"Edward please," I begged.

He continued to tease me and I groaned with frustration. When he suddenly thrust three fingers inside of me I came apart. My body arched up off the bed and I felt my inner walls spasm around his fingers. I was weak and shaky from the intensity of the orgasm when it subsided and I curled up on the couch on my side. Edward pulled a blanket over me and sat on the floor beside me, running the tips of his fingers idly across my forearm.

"Aren't you going to stay?" I asked.

"I can't." He frowned. "I just wanted to come over and see you to apologize, and distract you a little."

"Oh."

"Trust me, I want to stay." He leaned forward and kissed me. "More than you know."

"No, it's alright, I understand." I brushed away a lock of hair that had fallen into his eyes. "No time for a quickie even?" I teased him.

He smiled. "Sadly, no. Besides, I wanted this to be all about you."

"You're sweet. Too good to me really."

"Never."

He placed a last lingering kiss on my lips and left, pulling the door closed behind him. I was completely mellow and sleepy feeling and I got up just long enough to brush my teeth and wash my face before going to bed.

~BC~

When I got to my history class later that week I looked over the exam, apparently I had misread the instructions for the short answer part of the exam and had lost all points for that section. Overall I'd ended up with a 2.5, well below the 3.8 average I had in the class, and it was worth a fairly large portion of my final grade. I spoke with the professor after class, and she was sympathetic but didn't have much to offer me.

"Look, Ms. Swan, I'm sorry. I understand it was a simple mistake, and clearly you understood the topic you thought you were supposed to discuss, but I'm not sure what I can do. There's no way I can let you retake it."

I nodded. "What about extra credit?"

She frowned. "Well, normally that isn't something I offer. But let me think about it. If there is a relevant topic you can write a short essay on, would you be willing to do that?"

"Absolutely," I assured her.

"Okay, I'll get back to you about it next class. It's not a yes, but it is a possibility."

"Thank you for even considering it, Professor."

I thanked her profusely and said goodbye. I left class in a much better mood than I'd come into it. On my way back to the dorm I texted Edward and asked him to call me when he had a chance. Not even five minutes later he called.

"I have great news," I said.

"You're naked in my bed right now?"

"Better than that."

"You're naked in your bed?" he said hopefully.

"How is that better?"

"It's closer, I'm on campus."

I laughed. "No, it's better than me being naked."

"Nothing is better than you naked."

"I might be able to do an extra credit essay to make up for my test score," I told him.

"That is good news. Although I still am more excited about the idea of you being naked."

"Of course you are."

"Can you blame me?"

"Well I am pretty hot."

"I can see you're getting to be as modest as I am."

"I blame you. You're such a bad influence on me."

"Mmm, I try. Seriously though, that's awesome that you might be able to make it up. Let me know how it goes, ok?"

"Sure. What are you up to?"

"Just about to grab a bite to eat actually. I'm on campus, I have class in a little over an hour, but do you want to meet me for lunch?"

"Yeah, I'd like that. Where are you?"

"At the union. I'm in the mood for crappy Chinese food, you in?" he asked me.

"Ooh, yes. Sounds great actually. I'll meet you there in ten."

I turned around and headed back in the opposite direction to meet him. He was sitting on a bench in front of the union, looking ridiculously hot in a pair of worn jeans and a brown leather jacket open over a faded blue t shirt. I nearly groaned out loud at the image in front of me. Edward in leather was dangerous. The sun was out and it glinted off Edward's hair, turning it from the burnished brown it normally was to a gleaming copper hue. He ran his fingers through it and I took a moment just to stare at him before he noticed me. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, soaking up what was probably the last of the sun for the season. I walked over to him and his face lit up in a smile before he had even opened his eyes.

"Hey you," he said softly.

He opened his eyes and I couldn't help but smile back. He stood up and pulled me to him and I was surprised when he kissed me deeply and thoroughly. I got lost in it, overwhelmed by his scent mingling with the leather from his jacket, the warm sun on my face and the way his fingers tangled in my hair.

"Hello to you too," I said when he finally pulled away.

He quirked an eyebrow at me. "Why do you sound so confused?"

"Just surprised by the greeting."

"I missed you."

"Oh. I missed you too."

"Congrats on the good news." He smiled at me as we got in line to order our food. He stood just behind me, his fingers hooked on my belt loops, keeping me close.

"It's nothing definite, but I'd be so thrilled if she decides to let me do it. I'd just have to write a short essay, which is no big deal."

I glanced backwards at him and he rolled his eyes. "Maybe not for you. I loathe essays. It's like pulling teeth."

"Do you have many in your program?"

"A fair number. Mostly about music theory and composers. Lots of compare and contrast type papers. Pain in the ass," he grumbled.

I smiled at him and rested my head on his chest momentarily. "That's how I feel about my math classes. I can do it, I just hate every minute of it."

By then it was my turn, and when I stepped forward to order Edward let me go with a sigh I wondered if he even realized he made.

"Orange chicken, fried rice and an eggroll please." They filled the plate and handed it to me. I paid for it and stood aside to wait for Edward to order. He got his food and paid and we walked over to a table by the window.

"You were supposed to let me pay." He frowned.

"I was?"

"Yep, I invited you to lunch, it should have been my treat."

"Um, sorry? I must have missed that memo. Besides, I feel like you pay for everything," I protested.

He shrugged. "It's the gentlemanly thing to do. My mother raised me right."

I smiled. "That she did. But it's no big deal. I don't have money coming out of my ears, but between the library job and Charlie's help I have plenty for stuff like this."

"I know." He took a bite of food.

I dug into my food as well. "I am so glad you suggested this, I was totally in the mood for it."

"Yeah, it just sounded really good for some reason." He offered me a bite of his crab rangoon and I happily accepted.

"God, I love these things. They're so addictive."

He grinned. "Kind of like you."

"Deadly and with a cream filling?"

He laughed. "I was thinking delicious and impossible to resist, but we can work on the cream filling." He winked at me and I nearly choked on the rice I had just taken a bite of. I managed to swallow it without incident and I shook my head at him.

"I really should know better than to eat or drink anything around you when you're flirting."

"Yeah, but I'm always flirting, I'd hate to see you waste away."

"Just as well I don't see you more often then," I teased and he made a face.

We finished our lunch fairly quickly, talking about classes and his band. They had scaled back on shows lately because they were all so busy, but I was eager to see them play again.

When we had finished he glanced at his phone.

"So I have a little over half an hour before class. Where do you have to be next?"

"The library in an hour."

"Oh, not bad. You want to walk with me over to the music building?"

"Sure, it's on my way. I can just hang out in the library and read for a bit before I start my shift."

I picked up my tray and grabbed Edward's before he could protest. He rolled his eyes at me but didn't argue when I dumped the trays and cleared the table. He helped me into my coat and we walked across campus.

"So are you all done with your theater production?"

"Yes, finally. I'm really glad I did it, but I am even more glad that it's over. It looks great on my resume but it was a pain in the ass."

"I'm sorry I didn't get to go see it. I had planned to, but things got crazy with midterms."

"Thanks. You didn't miss much though, it kind of sucked."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, just not very well written dialogue. The concept was alright, but I've seen a lot better done student productions before."

We were just outside the building when Edward grabbed me and kissed me thoroughly. I was startled at first but that quickly melted into pleasure. When he finally pulled away my hands were buried in his hair and I could feel his erection growing against my thigh. He moved his lips to my ear and apologized softly. "Sorry."

I turned to look at him. "It was kind of gratuitous PDA but I'm not complaining."

"You'll understand in a minute. Brace yourself."

"Edward!" a loud voice called out just behind me.

He groaned and rested his forehead against mine before stepping back.

"Yes, Miranda. Do you need something?"

I smiled, knowing exactly why he'd kissed me like that. I turned to look at her. She was very pretty, with dark red, almost auburn hair, bright green eyes and a curvy, fit body I would have killed for. But clearly Edward was not a fan.

"Well, I needed to talk to you about something for class." She didn't even look at me, despite the fact that Edward had his arm around me.

"Can it wait? I'm kind of busy here."

"Oh?" She glanced at me dismissively and then quickly looked back at Edward.

"Yes. Bella and I were talking. I know you've heard me talk about Bella before, the girl I'm seeing." He kissed the top of my head and I leaned into it and let my hand settle on his chest. If Edward wanted to play like we were actually a couple, I was more than happy to play along. I was rather amused to realize he'd clearly used me as a deterrent before.

"Nice to meet you, Miranda was it?" I said sweetly and held out my hand to shake.

She gave me her limp hand and half-heartedly shook hello. "Hi."

"I'll talk to you later in class then," Edward said firmly and moved toward the building. I had to bite back a laugh when I glanced back and saw her staring after us in shock.

We both burst into laughter when we were in the building and a safe distance away.

"Not a fan of hers I take it?" I snorted.

"Ugh. No. She annoys the shit out of me."

"I could tell. She's pretty though."

"Yeah, I thought so at first and then I realized I wanted to strangle her every time she opened her mouth. The attraction faded really quickly after that."

"I can't say I loved the personality, but is she really that bad?"

"You have no idea. First of all, she's in my music history class and I don't have a clue how she made it into the Master's program to begin with. She doesn't know Bach from Brahms, she never wants to do her own work and I swear to god she's actually tone deaf. I'd have bet that she slept her way into the program if all of the profs weren't ninety years old and dead from the neck down."

I chuckled. "Nice."

"Anyway." He turned to me. "I still have a little time before class and we seem to be a rather deserted part of the building..." he smirked at me suggestively.

I gently pushed him back against the brick wall and looped my arms around his neck. "What did you have in mind, Mr. Cullen?"

He groaned, "tease."

His hands tangled in my hair as he angled his mouth over mine. His lips trailed kisses down to my neck and he sucked lightly on the skin there. It was going to leave a mark but at that moment I didn't care. I moaned quietly and I felt him smile against my neck. His hand moved down to tease my nipple into hardness. He pinched at it lightly through the fabric and I pressed my hips against his, feeling his cock hard against my thigh.

"You're the tease," I muttered quietly. "I really want you to fuck me right here."

He turned my face to his and scowled at me. "That's not fair..."

"What's not?"

"Saying things like that to me..."

I chuckled and kissed my way down his jaw, and neck to the collar of his shirt. "It's true."

"I know it's true, and I want it too, but it's not that deserted."

I sighed and let my hips rock against his. "This is going to be incredibly frustrating then."

"Mmhmm." He captured my mouth again and I let myself get lost in his taste and the feel of him around me. His fingers worked their way under my sweater and tormented my nipples. His other hand came to cup my ass and hold me close. Our hips worked rhythmically together and for a moment I desperately wished I had a skirt on. Distantly I heard an alarm go off but I ignored it, concentrating instead on Edward. Reluctantly, he drew back.

"It's my phone." He dug it out of his pocket and turned it off.

"You set an alarm?"

"I always have it set, I usually play for a while before class and I lose track of time."

"Ahh, makes sense." I was still leaning against him, and I sighed and went to stand up. "I should let you go."

He pouted and kept my body trapped against his. "I don't want you to."

"I never said I wanted to either."

He kissed me again and eventually I groaned and pulled away.

"Stop distracting me. You need to get to class."

"Ugh, fine. Stupid class," he muttered and let go. He straightened his shirt and ran his fingers through his hair. He looked over at me and grinned.

"Um, sorry. Your hair is kind of..."

"A wreck?" I pulled a compact out of my bag and examined it carefully. "Yeah, you really did a number on it." My lips were swollen and pouty looking and there was a red mark on my neck.

"Nice Edward, I look like I was mauled."

"Sorry." He had the grace to look sheepish.

"That's alright, you look about the same." I snickered.

We finished pulling ourselves together and came out from the hallway only to pass by Miranda. She shot me a venomous glare as we walked by her. Edward walked me to the door and gave me one last lingering kiss before lightly slapping my ass. I rolled my eyes at him and said goodbye.

"Hey, call me tonight, k?" he asked just before I left and I nodded and walked out of the building. I ducked into the bathroom in the library and laughed when I saw myself. I managed to tame my hair a little and hide the mark on my neck by pulling my hair into a low ponytail that draped over one shoulder. The swollen and pink lips were harder to disguise so I put on a little lipgloss and crossed my fingers that no one would notice.

I worked for a few hours and then went to my last class of the day. But the feel of Edward's lips against mine and the happiness I always felt when I was with him lingered.


	22. Somethin' Stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love this chapter, and it's a very, very important one.

**Chapter Twenty Two: Somethin' Stupid**

I can see it in your eyes  
That you despise the same old lines  
You heard the night before  
And though it's just a line to you  
For me it's true  
And never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever  
lines to say  
To make the meaning come through  
But then I think I'll wait until the evening  
gets late  
And I'm alone with you

The time is right  
Your perfume fills my head  
The stars get red  
And oh the night's so blue  
And then I go and spoil it all  
By saying something stupid  
Like I love you  
I love you...

-"Somethin' Stupid: Written by C. Carson Parks,

Performed by Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman

* * *

Before I knew it, it was Thanksgiving break and I was back in Forks. Edward called while I was working on food for Thanksgiving dinner. I had my phone cradled between my ear and my shoulder while I cooked.

"Are you sure you can't come over?" Edward begged.

"Yes. In fact, I am kind of up to my ears in stuffing."

He laughed. "That's a really great mental picture."

"Thanks."

"Well, is Charlie around?"

"No, he's over at Billy's, watching the game."

"Do you know what time he'll be home?"

"Probably not until late, why?"

"I was hoping maybe I could come over there."

I laughed. "I thought you were afraid of Charlie."

"Oh I am. That's why I want to make sure he's gone…but I'm not scared of him enough to stay away totally."

I chuckled. "Do you ever go a single minute without thinking about sex?"

"Not really. Except when I'm sleeping and even then I'm dreaming about it. So…can I come over?"

"I'm really not that exciting right now, I smell like sage and onions and I have a pie to make when I'm done with the stuffing."

"I could come watch." His voice was hopeful.

"You don't have some sort of pie fetish that I should know about, do you?"

"Not that I'm aware of…but we could always test it to find out."

"You really want to come over?"

"Yes."

"Will you let me finish what I'm making for tomorrow?"

"Yes, I'll behave."

I snorted. "Why don't I believe that?"

"I don't know. I'm offended, I'm very well behaved actually."

"That's a lie and you know it. One more question."

"Shoot."

"Are you going to be ok with it if Charlie gets home before we have a chance to do anything?"

"Of course," he sounded offended. "I just want to see you."

"Ok," I said doubtfully.

"Do you honestly believe I only want to spend time with you in order to get into your pants?"

"Yes."

"That's not very nice."

"Well, that's the only reason I keep you around," I teased. "You know I just want you for your cock."

I heard a choking noise on the other end of the phone and then a thud.

"Uh, Edward, are you ok?"

There was more choking and then he finally answered in a strangled voice. "I took a sip of water at the wrong moment. It just went into my lungs. Don't mind me while I hack one up now."

"Sorry about that. I'll refrain from making dirty comments without warning in the future."

"Thanks," he choked out.

"So what was the thud?"

"I dropped my phone."

"That makes sense; I was concerned that you'd passed out or something," I said. "Alright, I'm going to let you go. Come on over if you want to."

"Ok. I'll see you in a bit."

I had flour all over my hands and the pie crust was half rolled out when Edward knocked.

"Come in," I yelled and I heard the door open slowly.

"Bella?"

"Yep, the kitchen is on your left. Come in, my hands are covered in flour."

I heard footsteps, and then they paused just inside the door. There was silence for a moment and I turned to look at him. There was an unfamiliar expression on his face, but I wasn't sure how to read it. He stood there for a moment, just staring at me and I couldn't drop my eyes from his. I shivered at the intensity of his stare.

"You know, you're unbelievably sexy like that," he finally said.

I laughed. "You find everything sexy Edward."

"Only when it involves you."

I shook my head and turned back to what I was working on. "You are so weird. It's a good thing you're pretty because I'm not sure how well you'd do otherwise."

He chuckled. "I'm a rock musician…that adds like ten extra points of hotness, so I could start out ugly and still do ok. Plus…I'm a composer…and composers are always eccentric…we can get away with a lot more."

He came up behind me and kissed the back of my neck.

"That's quite a theory you have worked out." I turned my head to look back at him.

"I'm quite proud of it actually."

He smiled at me and I leaned back against him, enjoying the feeling of his warmth behind me.

"So what about baking is so sexy?" I asked.

"Mmm, I think it's just you baking. Your hair is all piled up on your head and I can see the back of your neck." He traced a finger gently over the bare skin there. "You have a smudge of flour on your nose and I could see you swaying a little bit to the music while you worked."

His hands came to rest on my hips and he buried his nose in my hair.

I laughed. "Yep, you're definitely weird. But thank you. I'm glad I didn't scare you off."

"It would take a lot more than pie baking to scare me."

He kissed the back of my neck again and I shooed him away. "Go away, I need to finish this."

He sat down in a chair at the kitchen table and I glanced over at him. "So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?" I asked, struggling to get the pie crust to lie evenly in the pan.

"We usually have some family over for dinner at our place. Nothing extravagant."

I nodded. "Esme cooks dinner I assume?"

"Carlisle too. I usually help chop and prep stuff. We try to make it a family thing." He shrugged.

"I don't always come home for Thanksgiving though. A couple of years I went to friends' houses." I gently cut around the edge of the pie plan, evening out the edges.

"Who taught you to cook?" he asked.

I turned and smiled at him. "Sue Clearwater. She was the mom I never had. Jacob and I spent a lot of time over there as a kid with our dads. They were always doing something in the garage with Harry, and I think Charlie liked that I had a woman I could talk to."

"Did you get to have the dreaded "talk" with her too?"

I laughed and rummaged in a drawer for the leaf shaped cookie cutters. "Yeah, Charlie was incredibly grateful not to have to do it."

"I bet." He drummed his fingers against the kitchen table. "So are you going to the Clearwater's for Thanksgiving then?"

"Yeah, we go every year."

"What time do you think you'll be done?"

I shrugged. "Pretty late I think. Billy and Charlie and Harry and a few of the other guys usually play poker or whatever."

"That's too bad."

"Were you wanting to lure me over to your parents' place to have your way with me?" I teased him.

He laughed. "Always. But I was wondering if you wanted to come over for a second dinner, or dessert or something. Just to hang out."

"I'm sorry. I can't. We're not usually home until at least midnight."

"Alright. Well, if you do get home early, give me a call."

"I will." I rolled out the remaining dough and cut out the leaves. I left it on the counter while I washed my hands.

Edward smiled at me. "Now that you aren't covered in dough, can I kiss you? I swear I won't interrupt for too long." He gave me an innocent look and I couldn't help but laugh. He looked relaxed and happy and I loved seeing him smile like that.

I sat on his lap and wound my arms around his neck and kissed him, teasing his tongue with my own. When I finally pulled back I asked. "How was that?"

"Exactly what I needed."

I could feel him harden beneath me and I wiggled my hips. "Are you sure that's all?"

"Hey now, no torturing me, I promised I'd behave." He pouted.

"Is it torturing you if I put out?"

His eyes lit up and he kissed me again. "Do you want to go up to your room?"

"No, right here sounds good." I glanced around the room, the high window over the sink overlooked nothing but trees and so did the window by the table. You couldn't see this portion of the kitchen from the front door so we were safe from prying eyes.

"Well, if you insist…" He slid his hand up under my shirt against my bare skin and I sighed. It felt good to have him here with me, and even though we'd seen each other briefly a few weeks before, it felt like it had been too long.

"I've missed this," I admitted, and he smiled and kissed me.

"I have too. I've missed you a lot." His hands tangled in my hair and it was a while before we pulled back. We were both flushed and panting. He unhooked my bra, with my shirt still on and his hands caressed my nipples, teasing them into hardness. I ground against his erection and nipped at his neck, licking the soft skin behind his ear. He groaned and scooted me back to the edge of his knees so I could unzip his pants. I stood up just long enough for him to pull his pants down and for me to take mine off. I settled back onto his lap and he lifted me to hover over his erection. I sighed as my body engulfed him, feeling him stretch and fill me.

I rocked over him, teasing him at first. He kissed me, exploring my mouth with an unhurried thoroughness. I couldn't get much leverage, but even the small movement was enough to make me moan. Eventually, when the ache built to a point where I couldn't stand another moment of it, I hooked my feet onto the rungs of the chair and was able to lift myself higher. Edward's hands wrapped around my hips to guide me, lifting me up and slamming me back down on his cock as we moved faster.

"God Bella, you feel so good," he moaned.

I didn't speak, just buried my fingers in his hair and rocked against him. "I'm close," I choked out.

He moved his hands a little lower, to cup my ass and grind me against him as he lifted me over him. The pressure against my clit sent me over the edge and I buried my face against the crook of his neck as I moaned. One hand gripped his hair and the other grabbed for the fabric of his shirt. He came just a few strokes later, his breathing strained and loud in my ear. We sat there for a long time after, his arms around my waist and my head on his shoulder.

"I don't want to move," I mumbled, my legs weak and shaky and my whole body still quivering from the force of the orgasm.

"Then don't," he said softly and he pulled me tighter against his body. I stayed there for a while longer before I sighed and gently eased off of him as I stood up. My legs were weak and it took me a moment to steady myself. He gave me a lopsided smile as if to say he knew the feeling. I brought him a towel to clean up with and threw it in the laundry, reminding myself to run a load of towels before I left on Sunday.

Edward had finished dressing by the time I came back in the kitchen and I said, "Sorry, I really should get back to making this pie." After I'd washed my hands I pulled out the ingredients for the pumpkin filling. "You can head out if you want to," I said, "or if you're really bored you can stay."

Edward came over to me and spun me around and looked in my eyes. "Bella, I told you that wasn't the reason I came over. I mean it's great, and trust me, I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but I came over to see you. I like _you_ Bella, not just the sex. I swear, I don't call you because I want to get laid. I call you because I like spending time with you. I can't seem to think straight or be able to keep my hands off of you when we are together, but I want you to know that it's not everything."

"I'm sorry." I bit my lip. "I didn't mean to imply that you were only interested in that."

He pulled me close and dipped his head until our foreheads were pressed together. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It's so much more than that, please believe me."

"I do. I… I just can't imagine it's terribly exciting to watch me cook."

He laughed quietly. "Surprisingly, it's actually pretty nice. You really look like you're enjoying yourself. But if you want, I could help. I might not be the cook you are, but I can hold my own." He kissed my forehead. "Put me to work gorgeous."

I handed him a large bowl and a wooden spoon and said, "Instructions are on the side of the can, I'll get out the ingredients for you."

He looked pleased. "Finally."

There was something very appealing about Edward in the kitchen. He looked relaxed and I couldn't help but smile when he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and got to work. I silently handed him the ingredients and the tools he'd need and then I sat back to watch him work. I watched as he carefully measured spices into the bowl, frowning with concentration. It was dangerous though, it was too easy to forget that he wasn't really mine. That this relaxed and easy intimacy wasn't real. He turned to smile at me and it was breathtaking. "I'm done."

I laughed. "Alright. Now taste it to make sure the spices are right."

He dipped his finger into the filling that had splashed up toward the top of the bowl and held out his finger to me. I grinned and slowly opened my mouth. I licked it clean and by the time I was done his eyes were dark and intense looking and he had to clear his throat before he could speak.

"That was just cruel you know," he finally managed to say.

"I know. I think it needs a little bit more cinnamon and maybe a pinch of cloves, what do you think?

He grabbed a small spoon from the counter and tasted the filling off of it. "Yeah, definitely more cinnamon. I'll have to defer to you on the cloves."

I added the spices and he stirred it carefully. "Now pour the batter into the crust and make sure it's even." I carefully arranged the cut out leaves on a baking sheet to bake later and put the pie in the warm oven. I set a timer and turned to face Edward. "And now we wait."

"Can I stick around to see how it turns out?" he asked.

"Sure. Want to watch a movie while we wait?"

He nodded. "That sounds good."

We curled up on the couch and I happily settled back into his arms. I grabbed the blanket on the end of the couch and pulled it back over us. I barely watched the movie, content to just relax. My eyes kept drifting shut and I sighed and settled further into Edward's arms. He kissed the top of my head and then rested his cheek against it. I hazily wondered if this would be what it was like if we were actually a couple when the timer went off. It jerked me from my thoughts and I sat up quickly. I disentangled myself from him and went into the kitchen. My cheeks burned, I couldn't believe that I'd let myself get so wrapped up in him that I forgot what we actually were or even let myself consider anything else. I jumped when I heard him behind me.

"Bella? Are you alright?"

I turned to face him. "Sure, I'm fine, why?"

"You just looked kind of upset, did I do something wrong?"

"No, not at all, I just have to check the pie."

I grabbed pot holders and carefully pulled out the oven rack. The pie was firm and the crust was a pale brown.

"How is it?"

"It looks perfect actually." I pulled it out and set it on the countertop. I slipped the baking sheet with cut out leaves in the oven and took a deep breath and turned to look at Edward again. "You did a great job. Thanks for your help."

He kissed me and I realized I was still wearing the oven mitts when I went to bury my hands in his hair, and couldn't.

He laughed. "I think you're supposed to take those off before you grope me."

"I wasn't groping you."

"Maybe you should." He grinned.

"Let's just go watch the rest of our movie."

"I have to wait for the leaves to bake, but it won't take long."

He waited in the kitchen with me while they were baking. He leaned against the counter and pulled me to him so I was standing with my legs between his.

"Hey," he said softly. One of his arms remained wrapped around my waist and the other moved up to push my hair back behind my ear. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath, not quite sure why I was feeling so off kilter. "Yeah, I'm okay." And that time I meant it.

"Okay."

His hand moved to my cheek and his thumb stroked down over it to my jaw and around to my chin and then up to tug at my lower lip. I nipped at the tip of his thumb and he laughed. The mood between us lightened and I nipped again at him. He playfully captured my hands and pinned them behind my back. I squirmed against him and kissed him, catching him by surprise. He let go of my hands, but only to trap me against his body. His tongue tangled with mine and I moaned against him. We both jumped when the timer went off and he laughed lightly.

"I wasn't expecting that."

"Mmm, me either."

He let me go long enough to pull the baking sheet out of the oven and took my hand to tug me back toward the living room where the movie was playing.

"Sorry, I forgot to pause it. Do you remember where we were?"

I shook my head. "No, honestly I wasn't even paying that much attention to the movie either."

"Me either," he admitted. "I was trying to keep myself from completely misbehaving."

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" I teased him.

"Well, I did try to reassure you earlier that I wasn't coming over just for sex. If I mauled you an hour later I'm not sure my argument would be very credible."

"Don't hold yourself back Edward. There's nothing wrong with admitting you can't keep your hands off of me."

He laughed. "Good to know. I just keep waiting for the day that you tell me you're sick of me always pawing at you."

"I'd hardly call it pawing at me," I said dryly.

I shifted in his arms and turned to kiss him. Edward's hand moved to my breast and I arched into him. We fell back onto the couch and he slid off my jeans before burying his head between my legs. I came quickly as his tongue teased my clit, still worked up from earlier. I cried out his name and shuddered against him. He slid up my body to kiss me and I tasted both of us on his lips.

"You still make my feet go numb, you know," I whispered and he smiled against me.

"I'm glad." He fumbled for the zipper on his pants and was inside me quickly.

"Jesus, I can't get enough of you," he whispered as he thrust into me.

"Me either," I gasped. He brought me to my third orgasm of the night quickly and again, we stayed joined for a long time.

"We should probably get dressed," I whispered. "Just in case Charlie comes home."

"I know," he sighed. "I just don't want to leave you."

"I don't want you to leave either," I admitted.

He kissed me tenderly and when he pulled out of me I sighed. He smiled faintly, as if he understood, and touched my cheek. We cleaned up and rewound the movie part of the way. Once again, I hardly paid attention to it, too focused on Edward's arms around me and the feeling of his his lips brushing against my hair every so often. When the movie was over we lay on the couch for a while, leisurely kissing. It was unhurried, and undemanding. Not leading to our usual explosive need for sex. Comforting instead of arousing. Eventually, we pulled apart and stared at each other for a while. Even in the dim light, and after nearly five months of being lovers I was still astonished at how beautiful he was. Without even thinking I trailed my fingers across his high cheekbones and down to the soft curve of his upper lip. His fingers traced a path across my face, thumb rubbing gently at my lower lip before tracing across the sensitive upper. He kissed me again, once, and stood up to leave. I walked with him to the door, fingers woven in his. Neither of us spoke, except to say a whispered 'goodbye' and his hand squeezed mine before he closed the door gently behind him.

I leaned my head against the door, gasping for air. I was falling in love with Edward. This couldn't be happening. There was no way this would end well. It was obvious that there was something between us. Something more than just friendship or sex. But that didn't mean he loved me. He cared about me, I knew that for certain. But the space between affection and love was wide and undefined. I knew how much he hated girls who were clingy, or pushy. We hadn't laid out any ground rules when this had all began, but surely me telling him that I loved him would make him run screaming and I was terrified at the thought of losing him.

Tonight though…tonight had been perfect, but so hard. When we were together it was always so easy, so relaxed. It made it difficult to remember that we were just friends. That all of this was supposed to be casual. It wasn't casual for me any longer. I wanted so much more than that. But I was afraid to say anything to him. I cleaned up the kitchen in a daze, and was in bed before Charlie got home. I fell asleep holding my pillow, and wishing that it was Edward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Bella has finally realized that she's in love with Edward.
> 
> -Do you think that he's at the same place she is?
> 
> -Has he been dropping hints to her that his feelings for her are changing?


	23. I've Fallen In Love With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a soft spot for this chapter, and although they're moving at a snail's pace, they really are making progress.

**Chapter Twenty Three: I've Fallen In Love With You**

I've fallen in love with you

Please, tell me, tell me what else was there to do

When feelin lips like yours and looking into eyes like yours

Oh, I might as well face it

Cause it's true

Yes, I've fallen in love with you

Oh, my beating heart wants you

And my empty arms need you

Don't you go, please stay

And never try to send me away

I've fallen in love with you (ooh baby, please stay)

I've fallen in love with you

I've fallen in love with you

And you've just got to feel the same way too

When you embraced me last night

Lord knows it was pure, such pure delight

Oh, my beating heart wants you

And my empty arms need you

Don't you go, please stay

And never try to send me away

Oh yes, my love

Oh yes, my love

My darlin

I've fallen in love with you

I've fallen in love

I've fallen so deep in love you see

Until you become the very soul of me

Let me tell you something,

I don't care enough anyway

All over, hey, all over my face it shows

Said I'm talkin bout love this time

Oh, yes I am

And you know what?

It's not a schoolgirl crush

Oh no, no

Ooh, baby, yea

Oh my beating heart wants you

And my empty arms need you

Don't you go, please stay

And never try to send me away

My beating heart wants you

And my empty arms need you

Don't you go, please stay

And never try to send me away

I've fallen in love with you (yes, my love)

I've fallen in love with you (in love with you, in love with you)

I've fallen in love with you (it's not infatuation cause I would really know)

I've fallen in love with you

(My beating heart wants you, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know it wants you)

I've fallen in love with you

(I've fallen for you)

I've fallen in love

(I'm falling in love)

I've fallen in love with you

(Tell me, what else was there to do?)

I've fallen in love

-"I've Fallen In Love With You" by Joss Stone

* * *

Thanksgiving was awkward; when I first got there and I wished I'd taken Edward up on his offer to go to his house. Jacob was surly, barely speaking more than a few words to me and Leah wasn't much better. I had known Leah since she was born but she was so much younger than me we weren't close. Normally she was polite at least but that night she did nothing but send nasty glances my way. She spent most of her time with Jacob and I wondered when they had gotten so close. It made me sad to realize that I had no idea what was going on with Jacob's life anymore.

Apparently he had bought an old beat up motorcycle and was rebuilding it. In the past I would have teased him about it, and gone out to the garage to check it out. I would have begged him for a ride, or to teach me how to ride myself. But he showed no signs of wanting to mend the rift between us. It was a relief that Billy and Charlie and Harry were in high spirits, helped along by large quantities of cheap beer and they were too focused on the football game to pay any attention to what else was going on. I spent most of my time in the kitchen with Sue, chatting with her while we prepared the meal. When she asked me if I was seeing anyone I blushed.

She chuckled. "So you _are_ seeing someone."

"Sort of?" I said, still embarrassed. I dished out the cranberry sauce carefully, afraid that if I looked at her she'd see the truth written all over my face.

"And would this someone you're 'sort of' seeing be Edward Cullen?"

"What?" I whirled around to face her, astonished, and she laughed.

"I know every little bit of gossip that goes on in this county. I heard about what happened at

Rosalie Hale's graduation party."

I hadn't realized it was possible, but I blushed even harder and buried my face in my hands. She patted me on the shoulder.

"No need to be embarrassed. If I were thirty years younger I might just give you a run for your money…he's one good looking boy."

I laughed and finally looked up. "So you aren't going to lecture me?"

She shook her head. "I'm not your mother and you're nineteen, so I don't have any reason to lecture you. If you're happy and you're being careful, then that's all I'm concerned with."

"I am, on both counts," I said and she hugged me.

"So are you two just…uh…" she struggled to find the word.

"No, it's not just physical. I care about him a lot and I think he cares about me too. Although

neither of us are any good at talking about it," I sighed.

She nodded and got back to work mashing the potatoes.

"Good. Are you in love with him?"

"I don't know," I said honestly. "I think I might be though." My breath caught and my heart pounded in my chest as I spoke those words out loud for the first time.

"Well, think about it some more. And don't be shy about it. If he's the right one you two will get it figured out eventually."

A horrible thought occurred to me. "Please tell me Charlie doesn't know about all of this."

She shook her head and chuckled at me. "Your father somehow manages to miss all of the gossip in this town that doesn't involve beer, sports, fishing and crime. You and Edward aren't even on his radar." She winked at me. "Pardon the pun."

I laughed. "Thank god. That's not a conversation I wanted to have with him."

"Yeah, I can just see poor Charlie's face turn red."

I sighed. "Sue, can I talk to you about something?"

"Of course you can Bella." She hugged me with one arm, still furiously mashing the potatoes.

I fidgeted with the silverware in front of me, twirling a fork around in my fingers.

"So if you heard about Rosalie's party, then you heard that she's no longer speaking to me, right?" Sue nodded. "Well, Jacob's mad at me too."

"I know. He's been half in love with you since you were little kids, playing in the mud together."

I sighed. "I honestly didn't know. And even if I did, he's like a brother to me…I just can't imagine dating Jacob."

She smiled kindly at me. "If it's any consolation I think it's puppy love on his end. He'll come around eventually. Especially once he finds a girl who is actually interested in him."

"That would be good," I said. "I miss him a lot. It just hasn't been the same since."

"Well, relationships and friendships are never easy," she said, scooping the potatoes into a serving bowl. "Harry and I had our rough points too, but once we got them straightened out I never doubted that he was the man I wanted to spend my life with. Just make sure you're honest with yourself about your feelings, and you'll figure it all out eventually."

I hugged her. "Thank you. You're the best mom ever."

She smiled at me and kissed the top of my head. "I wish I had been your mother. I would have been happy to have you as a daughter."

I felt a lump form in my throat. The holidays always made me just a little bit lonely. Dinner and the conversation around the table after dessert dispelled some of the melancholy I was feeling, but I couldn't get rid of the nervous tension that had settled in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about telling Edward how I felt about him.

Later that night in bed I thought about it more. I lay awake staring at the ceiling, I'd tossed and turned for hours and I couldn't seem to get comfortable. I fidgeted with the edge of the blanket, my fingers toying with a loose thread. I'd thought about it a thousand times since I'd admitted to myself that I was falling for him. How the hell was I supposed to tell Edward that I wanted to be in a relationship with him? What would I say? Somehow, 'I have a huge crush on you and I want to be your girlfriend' seemed juvenile and 'Edward, I'm in love with you' was way too much. But even if I could find the perfect words, I didn't know how he'd take them. Clearly what we had was very different than what he'd had in the past but it didn't mean he was in love with me. I wasn't sure if I was more terrified by the idea that he might not love me, or that he might. Because if he did, that opened up a whole new range of things that terrified me. It was one thing to admit my feelings to myself, but something entirely different to open myself up to him. I trusted him, I really did, but the idea of putting my heart on the line and risking being hurt was a bit overwhelming. I knew he'd never hurt me intentionally, but there were so many things that could go wrong. So many ways it could fall apart and break my heart. So many ways to lose him. I didn't know if I was ready for that. If I'd ever be ready for it.

And what was the point in telling him right then anyway? He'd officially been accepted in the study abroad program in Rome and he was leaving in just over a month and there was no reason to start anything anyway. At least until he got back. I sighed and rolled over. A queasy feeling started in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about him being gone. I had grown so accustomed to hearing his voice on the phone. Even when we were too busy to meet in person, we tried to stay in contact. It was easy to be with him. Any problem I had, any nagging stress I felt melted away. It wasn't that I forgot them, but somehow being with Edward put it all in perspective. The worry over exams, the frustration with a professor, they just didn't matter as much. Edward was my escape. I was afraid of how I'd handle the distance; that I'd get needy and desperate and Edward would get fed up with me. If we weren't able to physically be together and have sex, would he still want to spend his free time on me? Or would he find someone else there? Someone more beautiful, someone close by. Someone other than me.

I was lost in thought when my phone beeped, telling me I had a text message. Sighing, I rolled over to check it.

_**How was your Thanksgiving? I missed you! E** _

_**It was alright. Tons of great food as usual. Yours? B** _

_**Not bad, more food than I could eat in a year. Wished you were there though. E** _

_**I wished I'd been there too. Feeling kind of lonely. B** _

_**Want me to come over? E** _

_**So tempting. B** _

_**I will if you want me to. E** _

_**Even though Charlie's here? B** _

_**Even then. E** _

_**Alright. Park down the street and be quiet, he's asleep. B** _

_**See you in a few. E** _

It was insane to try to sneak Edward in the house. I cringed, wondering what Charlie would do if we got caught. But I desperately needed Edward right then. My fears about what was happening between us were driving me crazy and I knew I'd feel better with him there. I clicked on my bedside lamp and hurriedly straightened my room a little. I was just about to go downstairs to wait by the front door when I heard a quiet tapping on my window. I jumped, and nearly knocked over a stack of books on my desk in my haste to see what was out there. To my shock, I realized it was Edward, perched on the tree outside my window. I hastily unlocked it and let him in. He scrambled in, and I shushed him.

"Be quiet," I hissed.

"Sorry," he whispered.

He closed the window quietly and took a seat on my bed. I double checked that my door was locked and sat beside him.

"How did you know which room was mine?"

"It was the only one with a light still on."

"I would have let you in the front door."

He grinned. "I enjoyed the thrill of climbing a tree and coming in the window."

I shook my head. "You're ridiculous."

He shrugged. "That's why you're so crazy about me."

"Yeah, yeah." My heart thumped quickly in my chest. The truth was I was crazy about him. It would have been the perfect time to tell him my feelings but I chickened out.

"Thanks for coming over," I said instead.

"You're welcome." He stroked his hand over my hair and I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Anything in particular going on?"

"Not really. Just feeling lonely. I needed you." I couldn't tell him what else was going on but having him there meant everything to me. He merely nodded before standing up to strip down to boxers and a tshirt and crawl in bed, pulling me in beside him and covering us with the blankets. I fell asleep with my head on his chest.

In the morning I awoke to Charlie leaving. I heard the front door shut behind him and was surprised to still be curled up with Edward. I rubbed my eyes; I had half expected that him showing up had been a dream. But he was still in my bed, solid and warm behind me. His arm was wrapped around my waist, heavy from sleep, and his head was buried in my hair. I always wondered how he breathed like that, but he seemed comfortable that way. I sighed and fell back asleep. It was light out when I awoke again and Edward was just beginning to wake up as well.

"How'd you sleep?" he asked quietly, his voice rough and husky from sleep.

"Like the dead."

"Me too," he whispered.

"It's okay, Charlie's gone."

"Oh," he said in a more normal tone. "That's good."

"Thanks again for coming over."

"Of course, you needed me."

I turned over to face him. "You're too good to me."

He smiled faintly and shook his head. "Not nearly good enough."

"Well, I appreciate it."

"What are your plans for the day?"

I shrugged. "Not much. Reading, watching movies, homework."

"No Black Friday shopping?"

I shuddered. "No way. I get sick of shopping after about an hour under the best of circumstances."

"I'm surprised Alice doesn't drag you."

"Oh she did one year. I moved as slowly as possible and stopped to go to the bathroom or to get something to eat at least once an hour. She never asked me after that. She and her mom are going this year."

He grinned. "You're devious."

"Yep. What about you?"

"Nah, not a big fan either. Too crowded. I do a lot of my shopping online anyway."

"So what are your plans today?" I asked him.

"About the same, movies, homework."

"Want to stay here for a while?"

"Absolutely."

"How do you feel about breaking in my childhood bed?"

He raised an eyebrow at me and slid his hand onto my stomach. "I'd be happy to."

It was much like the night before Thanksgiving, slower, more deliberate than our usual. I came against his mouth, his tongue, his fingers and finally his cock. I gasped and sobbed with pleasure as he made wordless sounds, his body tensing and shivering against my body as he came. And when we were both breathless and sated he lay with his head on my chest while I stroked his hair. His breath was warm against my bare skin and I let the slippery strands slide through my fingers and he hummed contentedly. I let myself sink into a blissful dream, where we were a couple, where he told me he loved me and my throat didn't close up when I whispered the words back. It still terrified me, the idea of being in a relationship and seeing where things between us could go, but there was a small part of me that wanted that desperately.

Eventually we got up and dressed and had breakfast. We spent a few hours working on homework. His school bag had been in his car so we worked quietly together at the kitchen table, content with just being near each other. After we were done studying we watched a movie.

"I'm hungry," he said finally, when it was over and I was lying in his arms.

"Mmm, me too. Want to make lunch?"

"Sure. What do you have in mind?"

"Leftovers, Sue sent a ton of turkey home with us."

"I'm never as crazy about turkey the next day," he said, almost apologetically.

"You've never had my turkey quesadillas," I teased him.

"That's true. I'll give it a shot."

I put them together, sprinkling grated cheddar over the turkey and when they were crisp and the cheese was melted and gooey, I put them on plates with cranberry sauce.

He gave me a puzzled look but followed my direction when I dipped the quesadilla in the cranberries.

"Wow, that's a lot better than I thought it would be," he admitted after he'd taken a bite.

"You should just learn to trust me on these things." I grinned at him.

"I should," he agreed and kissed my temple.

We finished our lunch, complete with leftover pumpkin pie.

He moaned when he took a bite. "Damn, this is really good Bella."

"It's 'cause you helped."

He laughed. "I highly doubt it."

"Everything's better with you," I said, and flushed self-consciously at my lack of subtlety.

"Yeah, it is," he said seriously, his eyes intense and needy. He set aside his half eaten piece of pie and grabbed my hand to coax me onto his lap.

"I'm better with you," he whispered against my hair, and I kissed him hard, knowing that I was unable to say the words trapped in the back of my throat.

Maybe if I showed him physically, it would be enough. I held his head in my hands, my thumbs pressed against his lightly stubbled jaw, my lips seeking his desperately. We both lost ourselves in the kiss and I tugged him upstairs to my room and into my bed. Unlike earlier, there was no foreplay, no slow sweetness, just frantic, tearing need and desperate desire. It wasn't until he was buried inside of me and my body was clenching around his in pleasure that I felt the relief that always came with being close to Edward. He kissed me deeply, long after we both came, and we were both equally reluctant for him to leave. It was only the knowledge that Charlie would be home in half an hour that finally, reluctantly coaxed Edward from my bed. He made me promise to call him that night and that I'd try to make time to get together the following week. I stood in the doorway long after he was gone trying to quell the uncontrollable sense of loneliness I had whenever he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think about their day together?  
> -Are you frustrated with both of them for not talking about how they feel?


	24. Three Doors

**Chapter Twenty Four: Three Doors**

They whisper words into my ears

One speaks of truth and one speaks of my fears

My disabilities don't get in my way

I look to the future and live day to day

Three doors to go through

I only want the one that leads to you

They say there's three doors to go through

I only want the one that leads to you

Because only one leads to you

And who's to blame I could assume

the loneliness of my white room

I saw the circles inside the squares

and yet it can be so hard to be aware of

Three doors to go through

I only want the one that leads to you

They say there's three doors to go through

I only want the one that leads to you

Because only one leads to you

This is your only chance at immortality

I'll give you strength but I cannot give you the keys

-"Three Doors" by VAST

* * *

Despite our plans to get together, I hardly saw Edward at all in the next few weeks, and we had little time to talk. He had a project deadline to meet and I was busy with finals. We were both frustrated and counting down the days until winter break. I was attempting to study for my last exam one night when Alice walked into my room in a daze.

"Bella, you're not going to believe who I ran into today."

I laughed. "Hmm, Johnny Depp?"

She stuck her tongue out at me. "Sadly, no. I wish. I'm not that lucky."

I sat there for a moment, waiting for her to tell me. "So who was it Alice?"

"Oh." She shook her head, still stunned. "Rosalie."

I swallowed a lump in my throat. I still found it painful to talk about her. "How's she doing?"

"Well, she's home right now and she wanted to get together on Thursday for dinner."

I nodded. "You want me to clear out so it isn't awkward or anything if we run into each other?"

"No," Alice said, "she wants to talk to you too."

I raised my eyebrows. "Interesting."

"What do you want me to tell her?" Alice asked. "She wanted me to call and let her know."

"I dunno Alice," I said slowly. "After six months she just reappears and wants to talk?"

She nodded. "I know. I don't blame you for still being pissed and a little wary about it. But I'd at least give her a chance to talk. You know that can't be easy for her."

"I know," I sighed. "Alright, tell her I'll meet her for dinner."

~BC~

I was nervous for the rest of the week. I didn't sleep well and I was sure I had bombed my final. By Thursday night I was sick to my stomach. I bit at my lip, worrying it between my teeth as I paced. I was completely freaked out about the meeting with Rose later that day. I wondered what she wanted to say to me, if she was sorry, and if it meant that things with Edward would be over. If she apologized for what happened before, but she was still upset about me seeing Edward, how could I choose? Rosalie had been my friend for fourteen years, it wasn't something I could throw away lightly. Especially for someone I wasn't actually dating. But the thought of never being with Edward again made me sick. I'd become so comfortable with him, he was the first person I called when I was having a bad day, and he always found a way to make me relax, to make me laugh. And the physical part of what we had was important too.

I was in love with him, but since I had no idea how he felt about me if I chose him over Rosalie I'd be taking a huge risk. I bent over, feeling sick to my stomach. It was in knots and I had no idea how I'd choke down food at dinner tonight. Or what to say. Or how to choose. I hadn't told Edward about the dinner with her and now I briefly wondered if I should have. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself but nothing worked. Alice tried to reassure me when we met to leave for dinner. I knew she could tell how agitated I was.

"It'll be ok," she whispered and hugged me tightly. I nodded, but I didn't believe her. We drove in silence for most of the ride and I could feel myself shaking.

"Fuck, I don't want to do this Al," I moaned when we pulled up to the restaurant. She squeezed my hand to reassure me.

"I know. But look at it this way, you'll get a chance to say what you want to, and either way you'll have some closure."

I took a deep breath before I walked into the restaurant. _You can do this Bella_ , I thought to myself, but I wasn't entirely convinced.

Rosalie was at a table already and she got up to hug Alice. She hesitated when she got to me but leaned forward anyway to hug me gently.

"I've missed you Bella."

I swallowed the lump that had been in my throat since I'd heard she was back. "I've missed you too Rosalie."

And it was true, as hurt and angry as I was, she was still the girl I'd known since I was five. Alice and Rosalie talked about inconsequential things until we placed our orders and then Rosalie looked right at me.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly.

I nodded. "Thank you. I appreciate you saying that. But I'm not sure I can just forgive and forget."

"I know. I don't expect you to. But I'd like for you to at least hear me out."

"Of course. Can I say something first though?" She nodded, looking slightly apprehensive. "Rosalie, I swear…if I had known it would hurt you, I wouldn't have slept with Edward. But I had no idea, you have to believe me."

"I do believe you, and I was totally out of line about a lot of it. You had no way of knowing that I was still hung up on him."

I drew in a deep breath. "Good."

The knots in my stomach eased a little and I took another deep breath, finally feeling like maybe the conversation would be productive.

"I was a complete bitch about everything with Edward." She gave me a wry smile when I didn't deny it. I was hurt, but it wasn't fair to either of you to react how I did. I should have talked to you, and I shouldn't have badmouthed you to everyone."

"Yeah, that hurt like hell," I said.

She winced. "I know. It was cruel and I never should have said it."

"Can you explain one thing to me?" I asked.

"I'll try."

"Why were you pissed at me and not Edward?"

She nodded as if she'd been expecting the question. "You were my best friend. He was just some guy. I can understand why he might not understand that I felt like you guys betrayed me, but I couldn't understand why you didn't."

"Well, I don't Rosie. I'm sorry you felt like that, but I don't fucking understand it at all. You guys hadn't been together in at least a month and from all I could tell you were with someone else. How the hell was I supposed to know you still had a thing for Edward?"

She gave me a brief sad smile. "I didn't say it was rational. I know all of what you're saying is true, but when I found out about you guys I was just so angry. I felt betrayed. And I was as much jealous of you being with him as I was him being with you."

I laughed for the first time in days. "Are you saying you've been secretly wanting to get into my pants Rosie?"

She smiled and I saw the Rosalie I'd known and loved for years. "Of course Bella, I've always thought you'd be a little firecracker in bed." She paused and sighed. "All joking aside, I feel very possessive about the people I care about, lovers and friends. And the idea of the two of you together hurt like hell. You had something I wasn't a part of."

I nodded, it was starting to make a little bit more sense to me. "Alright, I can understand that."

She sighed. "That's not all of it though."

I looked at her, puzzled. "Truthfully, I've always been jealous of you Bella."

I stared at her in astonishment. "Jealous of me?"

"You're gorgeous and so many people care about you so much. My own parents don't even give a shit about me."

"Rosalie..."

"I know. A lot of it's my own messed up sense of self worth. I have a lot of shit I have to deal with. But they had pretty much disappeared, and Edward stopped being interested in me and was clearly into you and I just felt so fucking alone."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know what was going on."

"I was completely freaked out about losing you and Alice and everyone else when I moved, and I think I did whatever I could to push you away. The situation with Edward was just an excuse. If I hadn't been leaving, if I hadn't been completely freaked out about my whole life…I probably wouldn't have reacted the way I did. My parents had just told me they were getting a divorce and I was scared to go off to New York alone. Instead of turning to you guys for help, I totally lashed out. I was feeling insecure and I could see how interested in you Edward was…and it just…it all turned into a huge mess. I'm so sorry Bella. I should never have…

"It's alright. I understand," I said softly, finally understanding why she'd been so irrational about the situation.

She grabbed my hand. "Will you apologize to Edward for me?"

I sighed, that was the part of the conversation I was dreading. "What makes you think we're still even talking?"

She flashed me another brief smile, but that time it wasn't sad at all. "It's Edward we're talking about honey."

"I want you to know something Rosalie," I said slowly. "Edward and I…we didn't do anything again until you left for New York. After I knew you were pissed…I couldn't…I couldn't do that again. But when you left I thought that was the end of our friendship. I never expected to hear from you again. We were both hurt and lonely, so after you were gone, yeah, we did get together again."

She nodded. "That's about what I expected. I don't blame you." She was quiet for a minute.

"I'm ok with it. I think you guys are good for each other."

"Look Rosie…Edward and I are just…lovers." I stumbled over the word. "It's not like we're dating or anything."

"Maybe you should," she said casually and I sat there speechless. The waiter brought by our food and it was several minutes before I could even pick up my fork and take a bite.

"What do you mean?" I finally managed to get out.

"Maybe you and Edward should date," she said. "He's a good guy. Even I know that."

I shook my head. "I don't…look he's going on a study abroad in Italy in a few weeks anyway. And besides, I can't imagine he'd want to date me anyway."

Rosalie tilted her head and looked at me. "You still don't have enough confidence in yourself Swan."

"Probably true." I desperately wanted to change the subject. "So what's new with you?"

She smiled at me as if glad to finally be returning to a less awkward subject.

"I'm moving back to Washington."

"Wow, what prompted that?" I was shocked; I had expected her to love New York.

She sighed. "A lot of things. I was kind of a mess when I went there Bella, and I did some pretty stupid shit. I don't really want to go into all of it right now, but the worst night was when I ended up in the hospital and had to have my stomach pumped from drinking almost an entire fifth of vodka." I winced. "I realized I wasn't doing well at all and if I kept it up I was going to end up killing myself. I knew I needed to come home to get my shit together again. I need you guys to help keep me sane."

"Oh Rose," Alice gasped, and squeezed her hand. "I'm so sorry."

I realized it was the first peep I'd heard out of Alice in quite a while, and I was amazed.

"There's something else," Rosalie said, and then she blushed. I had never seen her blush in all of the years I'd known her. "I'm coming home to be with Emmett."

I stared at her a moment, trying to digest what she'd said. "Wait, our Emmett? Emmett McCarty?"

She nodded. "Care to elaborate?" I was in shock, my brain scrambling to keep up with everything she'd said.

She smiled at me. "I know Alice tried very hard to be neutral about things last summer but she was pissed at me for not talking to you and so we kind of drifted apart too."

I saw Alice nod softly and I winced, I hated that she'd been put in that position.

"For some reason Emmett was the only one I could still talk to. He sent me all these emails, and they pissed me off at first. He kept challenging me, asking me what I was doing. But I realized I kind of started to like it. And he kept encouraging me to talk to you again Bella, but he didn't judge me. And every time I fucked up or fell apart in New York he was there for me. We talked on the phone a lot and then when things got bad I asked him to come out to see me and we kind of fell for each other. We're together now." She looked simultaneously happy and embarrassed.

"And I don't think I can live all the way across the country from him anymore. I just want to be with him."

Alice squealed but it was me Rosalie was looking at.

"I'm glad you had him there for you Rose," I said.

She reached around the table to hug me and then all of us were crying.

"Ugh," Rosalie said when we had all dried our tears. "That was disgustingly girly."

I burst out laughing and I realized it had been a long time since I'd been that happy.

~BC~

I called Edward when I got back to the dorm. "Hey you," I said, feeling lighthearted and giddy for the first time in a very long time.

"Bella?" he asked. "You sound happy, what's up?"

"I had an interesting day today."

"What was it? Aliens, vampires…?" he asked.

"Rosalie."

He was silent for a moment. "Oh."

"Yeah, I had dinner with her and Alice."

"How did it go?"

"It actually went really well."

He let out the breath he'd been holding. "Good. What did she have to say?"

"She apologized, to both of us."

"That's a start." His voice was hard and cold. I didn't blame him, I had been just as suspicious of her at first too, but there was no denying that the Rosalie Hale who had come back from New York City was nothing like the one who had left Forks barely five months before.

"Look Edward, I think you'd be surprised, I think she's really changed."

"I'll believe it when I see it," he said. "I don't want to see you get hurt again like that Bella."

I was touched by his concern and I hastened to reassure him.

"It's ok Edward, really. She admitted she'd been irrational, and that she really fucked up. And it sounds like she was pretty much a mess the whole time she was in New York. She's had a while to get her shit together. Apparently she's in a serious relationship now too."

There was silence on the other end of the line. Eventually he managed to choke out a strangled wow.

"You're not going to believe who it's with."

"Try me."

"Emmett."

"Holy shit, you weren't kidding. How did that happen?"

I shrugged, even though I knew he couldn't see me. "I guess they stayed in contact after she left and he helped her hold it together. He was the one who convinced her she had to work things out with me. And I guess he went out to visit her in the fall."

"That little shit, it must have been when he told us he was visiting his uncle. He's in so much trouble for that." Edward sounded annoyed.

"Cut him some slack, he was in a really tough position."

"Yeah, I guess," Edward muttered.

"So Rosie's moving back to Washington to be with him."

I heard him draw in a deep breath. "Damn, she has changed," he admitted.

"I know."

He took in another deep breath. "So does this mean we're over?"

"We? As in you and I?"

"Yeah, I'm sure that won't go over well with her."

"No, we're not over."

"So she knows about…us?" he asked.

"Yeah, I told her. And she's ok with it."

"Wow." For the first time it sounded like he was smiling. "I'm glad. I don't want this to end but I never would have expected you to choose me over her."

I felt my heart flutter a little when he said that, Rosalie's words were still in my mind.

"I didn't want it to end either."

I didn't respond to his comment about choosing him over Rosalie, because in that moment I wasn't entirely sure I would have chosen her. I would have hated to lose my friendship with her, but the possibility of something more with Edward was becoming far more tangible in my mind, if not any less terrifying. I realized how serious I sounded and I tried to lighten the mood.

"Not that it's going to matter, since you're running off to Italy in a few weeks. You'll have plenty of beautiful girls to choose from there."

His voice was low. "You're the only one I want."

I shivered at his words and the tone of his voice. "So am I going to see you before you leave?"

"Of course." He sounded shocked. "Actually, what about tonight?"

"I can't," I said regretfully, "I'm headed back to Forks tomorrow morning. The semester's over and Charlie and I have plans."

"Damn."

"I know. I wish I could."

"Well, let me know when you do have some time. I have to at least see you before Christmas and then I know I'll see you at New Years. And hopefully at least one other time over break before I leave."

"When do you leave?" I asked.

"New Years Day."

"Ok. I'll call you in a few days and we can figure out a time to get together. Why does it have to be before Christmas though? I'm curious."

"Oh, I have a Christmas gift for you."

"You didn't have to do that," I said, surprised.

"I wanted to," he paused, "we should go out to dinner too."

"Sure," I said. "Do you want to meet at your place or something?"

"No, I can pick you up at your dad's place and we can go to Port Angeles."

It seemed unlikely, but this was starting to sound like a date. My stomach fluttered nervously

and I pressed my hand to my abdomen to try to will the nerves away.

"Are you sure? It's kind of out of your way and it's not like there's anywhere decent to eat in Forks."

"Oh, I'll be at my parents' house next week so I'll be in Forks anyway."

"Oh right, of course. Well, we can figure out what day we want to get together once it gets closer."

"Sure."

"Look, I should go."

"Do you have to?" his voice was soft and pleading.

I laughed. "I know how much you want to have phone sex Edward, but I have to get some sleep."

"What if I said I just wanted to hear your voice for a while longer?"

"I'd say you're totally full of it." I smiled. "Goodnight Edward."

"Night Bella."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Do you think Bella forgave Rosalie too easily?
> 
> -What do you think about the fact that Bella admitted to herself that she probably would have picked Edward, if forced to choose?


	25. You and I

**Chapter Twenty Five: You and I**

You and I

Ah, the calm below that poisoned the river wild

You and I

Tears that dry on a rude awakened child

Where you look down

I've walked before

Burning holes

With eyes of liquid brown

If we had only known

In a way

We wouldn't reach this ground

You were my only home

Silver eyes

I want to see you shine

And we will feel the weight

Fall away from us in time

Searching our past for the true

You and I, you and I, you and I

All for you

Where you think you'll fall

I adore you

Where you shut your soul

I will open for you

If we had only known

In a way

We'd never reach this ground

I'll know

Silver eyes

I can see us shine

I said, we will feel the weight

Fall away from us in time

Searching our past for a true

You and I, you and I, you and I

All for you.

-"You and I" by Jeff Buckley

* * *

The next few days flew by as I packed and drove back to Charlie's house. He loved Christmas but, I knew if I didn't come home he'd probably ignore the entire day. Holidays hit him hard with Renee gone but he'd always made an effort for my sake. We cut down a tree and decorated it, and he hung a few lights on the outside of the house. I handed him a mug of hot cocoa when he came in, red faced and damp from the cold drizzle outside. We sat on the couch and I braced myself for the inevitable questions about how I was doing.

Sure enough a moment later he said, "So Bells, how did the semester go?"

"It was good. Exams went well and I should have at least a 3.8 this semester."

"Very good." He nodded. "Are you seeing anyone?"

I nearly choked on my hot chocolate.

"Seeing anyone? Just focusing on school really, hanging out with friends." I tried to change the subject. "Rosalie's back in Washington and we patched things up."

"I'm glad, I know you were really hurt when she left. I always wondered if it was over a boy or something," he said.

Luckily that time I didn't have a drink in my mouth. "You thought we were fighting over a boy?" I asked, astonished.

"Well, you guys have always been so close and I couldn't figure out what else would have caused it."

"Oh. Well, it was a misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. We're ok now."

"Glad to hear it."

Charlie lapsed back into silence and once I finished my cocoa I went upstairs to my room and turned on my laptop. A message popped up right away.

 **PianoGod:** Bella? Has Forks ALWAYS been this boring?

 **BookGirl:** Yeah, pretty much

 **PianoGod:** I'm losing it over here and I've only been home for 5 hours

 **BookGirl:** How long are you going to be in Forks?

 **PianoGod:** Until the 27th

 **PianoGod:** just kill me now or come over and distract me

 **BookGirl:** We'll I'm not going to kill you, remember whose house I'm in. It would look bad for the police chief's daughter to be arrested for murder.

 **PianoGod:** So you'll come over and keep me company?

 **BookGirl:** Now?

 **PianoGod:** Yes please, I'm desperate. I need you

 **BookGirl:** *grins* glad to hear I'm one step from desperation

 **PianoGod:** Very funny, you know that's not what I meant

 **PianoGod:** So are you coming over? Pleeeease? I need you

 **BookGirl:** Impatient much? What are you, 4?

 **PianoGod:** If I am, the things we do would be very very wrong

 **BookGirl:** *rolls eyes*

 **PianoGod:** So, are you coming?

 **BookGirl:** Fine, I'll come over, but you owe me

 **PianoGod:** Mmm, I like the sound of that

 **BookGirl:** Quiet you hornball, give me a few and I'll head out. I have a vague idea of where your parents' house is, but I'll call for the specifics when I get close

I was dreading telling Charlie that I was going out but I knew I needed to start acting more like an adult. I wasn't about to sneak out of the house to see a guy. Again. I ignored the fact that I'd just had that same boy sneak into the house a few weeks before. I ran a brush through my hair and made sure I was presentable and went downstairs.

"Hey, I'm going to head out for a little bit," I told him

He glanced away from whatever game he was watching to look at me. "Do you have to? I think the roads are pretty bad, it's kind of icy out there."

"Uh yeah, I want to hang out with a friend while they're home on break."

"Alright, just be careful."

"I will, see you later dad."

"Later, Bells."

I walked to the front door and shrugged on my heavy coat and was tying my boots when I heard Charlie call out, "Who are you going to see?"

 _Damn it_ , I thought, _I was hoping he wasn't going to ask_.

"Just my friend Edward."

"Edward Cullen?"

"Yes."

"Ok, say hi to his parents for me, I haven't seen Carlisle in a while."

"I will."

I escaped out the door and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Charlie knew we were friends, I'd mentioned him a handful of times the previous spring when Alice and I would go hang out at the guys' house. But the situation with Edward was complicated enough. I didn't want to try to come up with an explanation that wouldn't cause Charlie to have a heart attack. Somehow 'Oh he's just the guy I'm screwing' didn't seem like it would go over well. That would be one advantage if we were dating, at least I could explain that to Charlie. I called Edward when I got to the side of town he lived on and he gave me directions to the house and waited on the phone while I drove.

"I'm here," I said. "See you in a sec."

I gasped when I actually saw the house, it was a far cry from the average house in Forks. Warm light glowed from huge expanses of windows and it was striking, even in the dark.

"Holy shit, this place is amazing," I said when he answered the door.

He shrugged. "It's no big deal."

I laughed. "It's like living in a piece of art. It's gorgeous."

"Thanks." He grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the living room. "Here, you can meet my parents first," he paused, "if you don't mind."

"No, it's fine. Charlie wanted me to say hi anyway." I was lying, just the thought of it made me queasy with nerves but I didn't know what else to say. Frankly I was kind of freaked out by the idea of meeting his parents, but I had made a promise to Charlie and for whatever reason Edward wanted me to meet them.

I wiggled my hand in his, trying to get him to let go, but he squeezed tighter once we were in the living room which didn't help my nerves at all. Who introduced their friend with benefits, or whatever we were, to their parents? Especially holding hands. He was confusing the hell out of me lately.

His parents stood up to greet me with a smile and they were both stunning. Edward had his mother's coloring and his father's grin.

"This is Bella," Edward said.

His mother reached forward to hug me and Edward finally let go of my hand. Her hug was brief, but warm.

"It's so nice to meet you Bella. We've heard so much about you."

My eyes flew to Edward, I wondered if she was just being polite or if he had actually told them about me. But he wasn't looking at me.

"It's nice to meet you too. Your home is lovely."

"Thank you." Esme smiled at me and I couldn't help but smile back.

His father stepped forward and offered me his hand. "Very nice to meet you Bella."

"Nice to meet you too. Charlie, my father, he says hello." I managed to stutter out. Seeing Edward's smile on his father's face was a little disconcerting. Edward hadn't been kidding about his father aging well. Maybe we would be scandalizing people in the nursing home when we were in our eighties.

"Tell him I said hello too. I haven't seen him in a while. Although that's usually a good thing since we typically meet when he's working on a case."

I laughed. "Of course, I will."

"Bella and I are going to head upstairs," Edward said, grabbing my hand again.

"I hope to see you again soon Bella." Esme called out as we left the room.

Edward went up the stairs in front of me, but he put both hands behind his back to hold mine. He was unusually quiet and I wondered what was bothering him. He let go of my hands and ushered me into his room ahead of him. I paused in the doorway and felt him stop behind me.

Hundreds of cds lined the walls and other than a desk and a bed, everything else in the room was music related.

"Your room is incredible," I said and he gave me a genuine smile for the first time that night.

"Thanks. C'mon in."

I walked over to the shelves of cds and he closed the door behind us, locking it. He came over to stand behind me, running his hand up and down my arm gently.

"I'm surprised you keep all of your music here." I turned around to face him, looking up at his set jaw and the frown marring the smooth skin of his forehead.

"Oh, I have it all ripped to mp3's and backed up on a portable hard drive. So my files are with me at school and I don't have to haul around all of the cases." He shrugged.

"That makes sense." I stared at Edward for a moment, there was a weird tension in the air and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Something felt very off. "Are you ok Edward?" I asked.

He sighed and sat down on the bed, motioning for me to come over. I stood in front of him and he wrapped his arms around my waist and he rested his forehead against my stomach. I stroked his hair gently and he sighed again.

"You weren't bored tonight, were you?"

"No, I just needed to see you. I'm a mess, Bella." He looked up at me and his eyes were sad.

"Why didn't you tell me that? You know I would have come over if you told me you needed me."

"I…I don't know, I guess I'm not using to asking for help…"

I nodded, I wasn't always very good at it either, although it came more naturally for me with Edward than it did with anyone else. I was really worried about him, I'd never seen him look that way before.

"So what's going on?" I ran my hand across his cheek and he leaned into my touch.

"I don't even know. I just feel like everything's coming together at once, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. The damn trip to Italy is screwing it all up." He sighed and sat back, tugging at my hand and I climbed onto the bed beside him.

"What is it screwing up?"

"Well, the band for one. We're really clicking and we got a couple of offers for some great gigs, but we can't do it because I'm going to be gone for five months."

I nodded. "That sucks."

"Yeah, I know." He ran his hand through his hair and it made his already messy hair even worse.

"What else?" I asked.

"Well, I was kind of freaking out when you told me about the Rosalie thing, thinking that we were going to have to end this."

"Yeah, that was on my mind too."

"And I'm really glad she's okay with it, because I didn't want it to end. But now I'm leaving for Italy in a few weeks…" his voice trailed off.

"Do you want to end it because of that?" I asked, my heart in my throat.

"What? No. Of course not," he paused and looked at me, "unless you do?"

"No, I don't." Somewhere in the back of mind my brain was screaming that a purely physical relationship couldn't continue when we were thousands of miles apart. But it wasn't purely physical, was it? He had told me that, that it wasn't just sex. Fuck, it was all so confusing. I didn't know which way was up anymore or what to believe. _Tell him how you feel about him_ , my brain screamed, but the words died in my throat and all I could do was clutch at his hand.

"Good. But it's going to suck. A whole semester without you? I don't even want to think about it."

"Yeah, it will suck," I admitted. "But you're going to be so busy there with classes and exploring the city…you won't even notice it. It'll go by fast."

He shook his head. "I'll notice you not being there." He fell back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. "I wish you could come with me."

I lay down beside him. "That would be nice. I'd love to see Italy."

"You have to promise you'll be around to talk to on the phone and over IM," he said. He turned to look at me. "I'm going to be lonely."

My heart twisted at the look on his face. If I let myself believe it, I'd think he really cared about me. Cared about me as more than just a friend and a lover. Maybe even that he loved me. I felt simultaneously elated and nervous at the thought.

"Of course," I said. "But I'm sure you'll meet tons of people. You won't even have time to get on Skype and seduce me and leave me all hot and bothered and unsatisfied."

His eyes darkened and he pulled me tight against him. "God I'm going to miss you Bella."

He kissed me and it was raw. We were both right on the edge, our emotions too close to the surface and the kiss he gave me was almost bruising.

"Fuck, I want to take my time but I can't." he panted. When he shifted his weight to pull my clothes off, the bed squeaked.

"Damn, that's going to be a problem, but I have an idea."

He tugged me into his walk in closet and I glanced around. It was huge and mostly empty.

Hurriedly he tugged off my clothes and then his own and kissed me. It was hungry and desperate and I heard myself moan. He gently spun me around and pushed me up against the wall.

"Spread your legs, beautiful," he demanded and I shuddered at the rough needy sound of his voice.

He pressed up against me, running his fingers between my legs. I was soaking wet already and he sighed when he felt it.

"Always so wet for me," he rasped in my ear. He tugged at me so I was braced against the wall and standing on my toes. He grasped his cock in his fist and aligned it with my entrance. I pushed my hips back toward him, eager as always. He thrust into me and I moaned quietly.

"Fuck that feels good, Edward."

"I know," he growled.

One of his hands tangled in my hair and he wasn't gentle while he fucked me. I shivered, and gritted my teeth to keep from making too much noise. As lost as I was in a haze of lust, I remembered I had to be quiet with his parents downstairs. His other hand gripped my hip, hard. I wondered if there would be bruises and decided I didn't really care. The angle was incredible and I could feel myself starting to shake already. I braced myself against the wall as he groaned and thrust harder into me.

"Shit Edward. I'm getting close."

He tugged at my hair again and he yanked it aside. His teeth closed in on my neck and he bit down. I felt a flush of heat go through my entire body and the walls of my pussy clenched down on his cock. With his mouth still buried against my neck, he let out a strangled moan and shuddered into me. We stood there in silence, my brain trying to process what had just happened. He placed gentle, apologetic kisses over where he had marked me and his thumb rubbed softly over the place it had gripped my hip so hard before.

Neither of spoke until my shaking legs demanded that I move. I gently pushed him away from me and turned to face him. He still looked a little sad but his hand cupped my face to caress my cheek. I shivered in the cool air and he tugged a blanket down from one of the shelves and spread it out on the floor. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, wrapping another one around us.

"Mmmm," he purred. "I'm going to miss the way you smell."

I laughed. "I'll be sure to give you one of my sweatshirts to take with you to Italy to tide you over." I was kidding, but he took me seriously.

"I'd like that."

"Oh, I was joking actually."

He looked uncomfortable. "Sorry, didn't mean to weird you out or anything."

"No, you didn't weird me out. It's kind of flattering actually. Although I can't promise it'll still smell so good in May by the time you come home."

He laughed. "By then it'll probably smell like me."

There was something indescribably sweet about the idea of him wanting to have something of mine with him while he was gone.

"Well, I'll tell you what, you give me something of yours and I'll give you something of mine."

"Deal." He looked at me from under his long eyelashes. "I have to confess though, I actually have something of yours already."

"What do you have?" I was curious.

"Uh. God, don't kill me, Bella, I swear I'm not a pervert."

I laughed. "Yes you are, but you're a cute one. So what of mine do you have you dirty boy?"

He grinned at me. "Your underwear."

"What?" I sat upright, almost hitting him in the nose with the top of my head.

"Easy killer." He pulled me close again. "You almost clobbered me there."

"No changing the subject. Why do you have my underwear you perv?"

"I told you you'd call me that." He looked smug. "Anyway," he said before I could interrupt again, "I have them from the night by the lake. They must have been caught up in the blanket when I grabbed it. I noticed it when I got home. In fact they fell out on the middle of the living room floor in front of Emmett and Jasper."

I turned red. "Well, I'm officially embarrassed."

"It isn't like I waved them around and said 'oh look guys, I have Bella's underwear'."

"I know, it just makes me feel strange."

"They've seen your underwear before."

"Oh right. I keep trying to forget that damn poker party…" I groaned and rested my head back against his shoulder.

"I don't want to," he said, his voice dropping from a teasing tone to something deeper and more intense. His fingers combed through my wild, messy curls and tilted my chin up so he could see me better. "I don't want to forget the way you looked that night. Or the way you smelled, or how much I really really wanted to touch those tits of yours." His fingers snaked under the blanket and I made a grab for it before it fell off of our shoulders as his hands did just that. His thumbs rubbed across my nipples and I moaned quietly.

"I wish you had."

"Mmm, me too. They fit in my hands so nicely," he purred in my ear. "Did you notice how hard I was for you that night?"

"No."

"Oh Bella, I was. So hard." His hips thrust up at me and I felt him hardening beneath me already. "I wondered what you'd taste like. If your lips were as soft and if your pussy was as sweet as I imagined."

"Unnnh." I could only make a low, wordless sound of pleasure at his words and touch. In almost no time at all he had me panting with desire. His thumb leisurely brushed back and forth over my painfully hard nipple as his other hand moved down over my stomach to the apex of my thighs.

"I didn't want to help you put your bra back on, I wanted to rip it off of you." His fingers slid between my lips and I bucked hard against him.

"I wanted to forget that anyone else was there. I just wanted you laid out on the dining room table, your legs spread, my head between your thighs," he rasped in my ear, fucking me hard with his fingers as I panted with pleasure. I turned my head and kissed him hard, my lips and tongue greedy for his. I wanted his dirty words, but I needed the connection to him even more.

When I finally pulled away we were both breathing hard. He continued to drive his fingers even harder into my body and I writhed against him.

"I wanted my cock buried inside you, I wanted you to scream my name and scratch my back and come around me," he panted. "I wanted you to be mine."

The surprising words snapped the last bit of self-restraint I'd been holding onto and my back arched as I came, my inner walls tightening around his fingers. I slumped back against him, breathing hard and he kissed my temple softly.

A good while later, when both my brain and body had finally recovered, I was reminded of what had started the conversation in the first place.

"So go back to explaining why you never gave my underwear back to me." I felt boneless and exhausted from the pleasure he'd given me. I lay back against his shoulder, cradled in his arms.

"Well, you never asked."

I rolled my eyes. "I thought I'd left them there. My first thought wasn't that you were hoarding them. Do I even want to know what you do with them?"

"Well I don't sniff them or anything,' he said, making a face at me. "I just kind of like the idea of having something of yours."

"Uh huh," I said. "Possessive, much?"

He grinned. "Maybe a little. Alright, my legs are starting to fall asleep, let's move this back to the bed."

I sighed and stood up. "I should probably head home soon."

He stood up and wrapped his arms around me. "Nope. You're staying here."

I raised an eyebrow at him, "Are you sure you're really prepared to have Chief Swan bust into your parents' house and find us in bed together?" He winced. "That's what I thought. How about I stay for a couple hours and then head home?"

He sighed. "Fine, that'll have to do. You're staying over at my place on New Years though, promise?"

"I promise. Now let me go, I'm freezing."

I crawled into bed and he slid in beside me. I glanced at the clock, and sighed. "Ugh, it's midnight already. I'll set the alarm on my phone for two am just in case we fall asleep or something."

"I can't decide what I want more, to stay awake with you or to fall asleep with you." Edward said. He pulled me close and I relaxed into him.

"Yeah, they both sound nice."

"So what are your plans for Christmas?" he asked.

"Oh, we don't do much on Christmas Eve. I usually bake cookies and Charlie watches whatever's on TV. Wrap a few presents. Nothing spectacular. But Christmas Day we get up early and have breakfast and open gifts. And in the afternoon we go over to Billy's house. The Clearwaters come over with a few other people from the res and we have a big dinner. Sue and I usually cook most of it."

"That sounds nice."

"Yeah, it is. What about you?"

"Christmas Eve is our big thing. We do a huge dinner in front of the fire, my mom usually cooks. I have a couple of aunts and uncles that come over, we only see them a few times a year so it's nice. And once dinner is over we open presents and stuff. Christmas Day is really low key; we open our stockings and a gift from Santa." I tried not to giggle. "Yes Bella, I still get stuff from Santa even though I'm twenty four. Esme is a firm believer in tradition."

"I guess so. That's kind of nice though. I'm pretty sure Charlie would skip the whole holiday if it weren't for me. He actually loves Christmas but I think it reminds him too much of Renee."

Her being gone hurt all of a sudden. I hadn't seen her or talked to her since I was about six or seven, but the idea of having a family with both parents always seemed especially nice at Christmas.

"Are you sad?" Edward asked.

"A little," I admitted and yawned. "And apparently sleepy."

He stroked my hair and pressed his face into the back of my neck.

"Sleep then, sweet dreams." he whispered just before I fell asleep.

I was disoriented a couple of hours later when the alarm on my phone went off and it took me a few minutes to remember where I was and why the alarm was set. I finally managed to get it turned off and I dove back under the covers. The air was cool on my bare skin and I shivered.

"Are you sure you have to go?" Edward's voice was groggy and he still looked half asleep.

"Unfortunately. Although I'm really not feeling motivated to, your room is cold."

"I know, sorry. I like it cold while I sleep. I just pile a lot of blankets on."

"I noticed. It is nice for sleeping, it just makes me want to never get out of bed."

"Part of my evil plan. I bet I can come up with a few other ways to keep you from wanting to get out of bed too."

"I bet you can."

He moved his head under the covers until he could reach my breasts. I moaned when his lips teased one, and then the other.

"You are evil," I muttered as his hands moved down between my legs.

I was still wet and sensitive from earlier and I shuddered when he touched my clit. He moved beneath the covers and parted my legs. Without any further teasing he dove between my legs, licking and teasing me.

"Unnhh, Edward," I moaned quietly.

I guided his head with my hands and I shuddered when he scraped his teeth across my clit.

"I want you inside of me," I whispered and he slid up my body.

When he was inside of me we rocked slowly together, mindful of the squeaky bed. His mouth covered my neck in soft teasing bites and I writhed under him. He spread my knees wider so he could fit himself deeper inside of me and I came with a soft shuddering sigh. He came hard, his face buried against my neck, breathing harshly against me. He sighed and rolled over, pulling me with him. He traced idle patterns across my back and I played with his hair, suddenly drowsy again.

I yawned and stretched. "I really need to get going Edward. Remember the man with the badge and the shotgun."

"Damn him," Edward muttered. "Are you sure you really need a father?"

I poked his side lightly. "Yes I'm sure. You're not killing my father just so you can have a warm Bella to sleep next to."

"Well, that wouldn't be the only reason," he teased. "There's always the sex at any hour of the night."

"Mmhmm. Nice try buddy."

Edward grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around himself and got out of bed.

"Let me get your clothes, they can warm up for a sec and you can dress under the covers."

I laughed. "You're sweet."

"So you keep telling me." He tucked the clothes under the covers and sat on the bed beside me. "Hey, do you want to do dinner tomorrow night?"

"Sure, tomorrow will work. Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise."

"A surprise? Alright. What should I wear though?"

"Nothing." He leered at me and I shook my head.

"You have a very short term memory for fathers with guns. Also, it's December, I would really prefer not to freeze my bits off."

"Good point. I happen to like your bits."

"Anyway…dress code? Any help here?"

"Wear something nice. It doesn't have to be fancy, but nice."

"A nice restaurant huh? Let me guess you're buttering me up before telling me all about your forty seven wives. Or maybe you have some deep dark devious fantasy you want to try out."

He laughed. "No, I don't have any wives and you already know all of my deep dark devious fantasies. I just wanted to take you out to dinner and it's one of my favorite places. I think you'll like it."

"I'm sure I will. So what time?"

"You're very nosy, you know that?"

"Wanting to know the time is not being nosy." I stuck my tongue out at him.

He laughed. "Does six o'clock sound ok?"

"Sure. Are you sure you want to pick me up though? The man with the gun will be there. I can just meet you somewhere else if you want."

"I'm not afraid of the man with the gun."

I laughed. "Yes you are."

"Alright, yes I am. But I'll meet him anyway. You had to meet my parents tonight."

"True, but they're really not that scary. Unless Esme was packing heat."

"Ha. Not that I'm aware of."

"I should get dressed." I sighed.

"Putting clothing on you should be a crime."

"Tell Charlie that tomorrow."

"Hmm, tempting…but no."

"Also, remember what I said about not wanting frozen bits."

"Well you could wrap in blankets and stuff, and shoes would be ok. I just want easy access."

"Do you realize how clumsy I can be? That could get kind of dangerous."

He laughed and kissed me. "You know, you say that…but I don't think I've seen you trip over anything in a long time."

"Huh, you're right. I know I'm more aware of my body now. Maybe that's it."

"So the cure for clumsiness is sex?"

I shrugged. "Maybe for me."

"Hmm, well I'll be sure you get your recommended daily allotment then."

"That's so thoughtful of you," I teased him. I wiggled into my clothes and got out of bed.

"I'll walk you to the door."

"You'll freeze," I protested.

"I told you, I like it cold."

He pulled on pajama pants and wrapped the blanket around himself and followed me out of his room. His parents had gone to bed and the house was dark and quiet. He pressed me up against the front door to kiss me goodbye.

"Are you sure you have to leave?" he whispered.

"Yes." I kissed him and he sighed and let me go. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He gave me a brilliant smile. "Tomorrow."

I drove home in a daze, feeling for some reason like something huge had changed between us, but I wasn't sure what it was. I fingered the mark he'd left on my neck. It was slightly tender and I realized I was going to have to have to wear my hair down to hide it. There had been something very primal and possessive about the way he had taken me that night in the closet and leaving a mark on me just reinforced that. I liked it, in a way it connected me to him and marked me as being his. Even if it wasn't true, I liked the idea that it could be. That maybe someday it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's slow progress I know, but they are starting to get a little better about talking.
> 
> -What did you think about their conversation?
> 
> -Do you think Edward intends their dinner to be a date?


	26. Song For a Winter's Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, date night!

**Chapter Twenty Six: Song For a Winter's Night**

The lamp is burnin' low upon my table top  
The snow is softly fallin'  
The air is still within the silence of my room  
I hear your voice softly callin'

If I could only have you near  
To breathe a sigh or two  
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love  
On this winter's night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead  
My glass is almost empty  
I read again between the lines upon each page  
The words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart  
That you were lonely too  
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love  
On this winter's night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim  
The shades of night are liftin'  
The mornin' light steals across my windowpane  
Where webs of snow are driftin'

If I could only have you near  
To breathe a sigh or two  
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love  
On this winter's night with you  
And to be once again with with you  
To be once again with with you

-Song For A Winter's Night Written by Gordon Lightfoot

Sung by Sarah McLachlan

* * *

I rummaged through my closet, frowning at it. "I have no idea what to wear," I wailed into the phone.

Alice laughed. "You're starting to sound like me. I've never known you to get this worked up over fashion, Bella."

I sighed. "I know. I just…this feels…different somehow. It feels like a date. I feel like things with Edward are changing."

"Maybe they are," she said. "Do you want them to?"

"I…I think so. I know that I started to panic when I thought things might end when Rosalie reappeared. I know that the thought of him going to Italy next semester makes me sick to my stomach."

I paced around the room, nervously fidgeting with the few things on top of my dresser.

"Well, I can't help with that…but I can make sure you look so stunning that he can't think about anyone but you."

"That'll work," I said. "Thanks, Alice."

"Do you have anything purple? You always look amazing in purple."

"Um." I flipped through the hangers in my closet. There were a number of clothes I had left home when I had moved out in August, and most of them were winter clothes so I had quite a few things to choose from. "I have that plum colored sweater that you bought me last year at the end of the season. I haven't worn it yet. Mostly because of the ridiculously low neckline," I teased her.

"Well, this is the perfect occasion for that."

"Not if I want Charlie to believe I'm just meeting a friend for dinner."

"True. Do you have a camisole that has lace at the top?"

I dug further into my closet. "Yep, one in grey and one in cream. Also from you I believe."

"Hmm, set them aside. Which dress pants did you bring with you?"

"A pair of black ones, and a pair of grey."

"K, which ones make your ass look the best?"

I laughed. "Uh, the black ones I guess?"

"Then wear those with the cream colored camisole. Try them all on and tell me what you think."

I put down the phone long enough to change and glanced in the mirror.

"You're a genius, Alice," I said.

She laughed. "I know. Gorgeous, huh?"

"Yep. It's official, you are a genius."

"Ok, you're going to wear that outfit with your black boots, and curl your hair and put it half up. You don't need a lot of makeup, just a little of that shimmery violet on your eyelids and some plum gloss for your lips and a little mascara and blush. That should do it. And wear your black wool coat. Oh, and the cream scarf if you brought it."

"Thanks, Ali. You're a lifesaver."

"I know," she said smugly. "Just promise me I get free reign to design your wedding dress and all of the bridesmaids' dresses when you and Edward get married."

I nearly dropped the phone. "Alice! You're definitely rushing things. We can't even seem to start a relationship, at this rate we'd be ninety two before we made it to that point." I shivered at the thought. The idea of marriage still scared the ever loving shit out of me, but I couldn't deny that it was something I had thought about with Edward. It was still a very far in the future idea, but I would deal with one terrifying concept at a time. The first was a relationship.

"Well, then I'll have to modify the design I have in mind. Low backed dressed don't look so good on old ladies."

"You're insane."

"I know, but you love me anyway."

"True."

"Have fun on your date tonight."

"Thanks, Alice. I can't say it enough, you are a lifesaver."

**~BC~**

"You look nice tonight, Bells," Charlie said when I went downstairs to wait for Edward.

"Thanks. Why do you sound so surprised?" I teased him.

"You just usually aren't so dressed up," he stammered.

"I'm just teasing you. I'm going out to dinner."

"With the girls?"

"Uh no, with Edward."

"Hmph. You two have been spending a lot of time together lately." Charlie raised an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah, he's a good friend. I think he's going stir-crazy being back in Forks."

Charlie chuckled. "I didn't think he normally came home for the holidays this early. Of course it wouldn't have anything to do with you this year, would it?"

"Why would that have anything to do with me? He's doing a study abroad in Italy next semester, I'm sure he's just home to spend more time with his parents."

I knew perfectly well what Charlie was hinting at but I was hoping to stall until I could change the subject. I really had no desire to talk to Charlie about Edward. At least not until I was sure where things stood between us. He opened his mouth to respond when I heard the knock on the door.

"Oh, gotta go. Talk to you later dad," I called out as I hurried to the door.

"Hi, Edward," I said as I opened the door.

"Evening, Bella," he paused while I fumbled for my coat and gloves, "aren't you going to invite me in so I can meet Charlie?"

I hissed, "No, I really don't think so." He smiled and gently pushed past me into the house.

"So nice to officially meet you, Chief Swan."

He held his hand out to Charlie who had apparently miraculously left his game to come to the door. I shut the door behind me a little more forcefully than I intended.

"No need to slam it, Bella," Charlie said, peering around Edward at me. "Nice to meet you too, Edward."

"My father says hello, and my mother too."

"That's so nice of them. Tell Carlisle it's been too long and we'll have to get together for a beer sometime."

I tried to picture Carlisle in the local bar and my lips twitched in a smile. He didn't quite look like the rest of the blue collar guys from the mill who frequented it.

"Will do sir." They shook hands again and Edward said, "I'll be careful out on the roads tonight, they're starting to get slippery."

"Glad to hear it. I'm glad you're being careful with my Bella."

"Always, sir."

They nodded at each other and we were finally able to escape.

"What the hell was that, Edward?"

My cheeks were red and the cool air felt good on them. He opened the passenger door to the car for me and helped me in. I tried to suppress the shivery feeling that went through me at the thought that this was very quickly feeling like a date. He answered when he slid into the seat beside me and gave me an angelic looking smile. "What was what?"

"What was up with all of the 'suck up to the chief' crap?"

"I don't know what you mean, I just wanted to say hello to your father for Carlisle."

"You are so full of it."

"Probably." He grinned at me. "I just figured it was insurance. That way if he ever finds out what we're up to he won't castrate me. Or at least he'll be nice enough to give me painkillers first."

"Trust me, there is no way he's finding out about us."

"What, you don't think I should sneak into your room some night through the window again?"

He had left the car running and he smoothly pulled out onto the road once we had both buckled our seatbelts.

"What are we, sixteen? It was stupid enough the first time."

"Well, you did sneak out of the house to meet me." He leered at me.

"That was an unusual circumstance. I was going through a rough time."

"I _really_ like it when you're going through rough times.

I swatted at his shoulder gently. "Thanks jerk."

"Anytime."

"So where are we going?"

He looked offended. "I'm not telling. I told you it was a surprise."

"Arrgh, you are no fun."

"I'm fairly sure that the countless screaming orgasms I gave you would beg to differ."

I blushed and didn't reply.

"You look pretty tonight," he said a moment later.

I laughed. "Why does everyone say that like I look like a hag the rest of the time?"

"No, I don't mean that. You always look totally irresistible. I just mean you look different. I haven't really seen you dressed like this before. You were all dressed up for your birthday, but most days you're pretty casual." His thumb stroked the palm of my hand, almost unconsciously.

"True. And thanks. You don't mind the casual, do you?"

"Not at all. I wasn't kidding when I said I find you irresistible no matter what. Besides, casual is usually so much easier to get you out of."

I laughed and we settled back into silence. I glanced over at him, the dim light in the car illuminated the angles of his face, throwing shadows in the hollow of his cheekbone and the underside of his jaw.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, and I jumped.

"I…was thinking about you."

He turned to smile briefly at me and then his eyes went back to the road.

"What about me?"

"That you look beautiful in this light."

He snorted. "Beautiful?"

"Yes."

"I think you're confused Bella. You're the beautiful one here." He took my hand and squeezed it

gently. Even through the two layers of our gloves I could feel the heat from his hand.

I shook my head. It was Edward who was breathtaking. He pushed play on his iPod and I smiled when I heard Jeff Buckley singing. I leaned my head back against the headrest and listened to the music while we drove to dinner. Edward held my hand the whole way and I swallowed a lump in my throat. If the rest of the night was half as good as it had been so far, I was in serious trouble.

**~BC~**

"Wow, Edward, this place is amazing."

He helped me take my coat off and hung it up on a hook on the wall. I swallowed hard when I saw him take off his coat. It was a buttery soft black leather jacket and he had on black pants with a subtle pinstripe and a crisp white shirt. He had shaved carefully and his jaw was smooth. His hair was as disheveled as always and I restrained myself from reaching up to touch it when he sat down.

"Thanks, it's one of my favorites. The food is incredible, I think you'll like it."

I looked around, liking the atmosphere. The walls were a rough, old looking brick and the floors were polished wood. Each table was covered in a snowy white linen cloth and candles glowed on each of the tables. The light was fairly dim and there was quiet music playing in the background. It was a nice restaurant, but there was nothing ostentatious about it.

I glanced at the menu. "I don't even know what to pick."

"I'm a huge fan of the mushroom ravioli."

I smiled. "Really? I would have pegged you for a steak guy."

He laughed. "I like steak too."

"Never mind, I know what I'm getting."

"What's that?"

"The duck. I love duck. Charlie used to go duck hunting when I was a kid, but he hasn't in quite a while."

He grinned at me. "You sound very enthusiastic about it."

"Hey, duck is kind of hard to find. I always get it when I see it on a menu."

"I've never actually tried it."

"Hmm, you should. And if you're very very well behaved during dinner I'll give you a bite."

"I see. And what is your definition of being well behaved? Because I have a feeling that we might disagree on what that entails. I might think that it's completely acceptable to feel you up during dinner." His hand touched my knee under the table. "And you might disagree."

My heart was beating way too fast in my chest and I took a deep breath.

"Uh. Honestly…it was pretty much an idle threat. I was planning on giving you a bite no matter what."

"Pushover." His hand was still on my leg and moving higher. He looked into my eyes and winked. I was suddenly grateful for the fabric shielding everyone's eyes from what he was doing.

"Totally."

I couldn't stop staring at him and the tension between us was palpable.

"I mean, no, of course I'm not."

He snickered. "Nice try."

The waitress arrived with a basket of bread and asked if we'd like anything to drink. He ordered a bottle of wine and I tried not to blush and look guilty.

"Why do you look like you're about to get in trouble?" he whispered when she left.

"Because I feel like I am. I was afraid she was going to ask for my ID. I'm only nineteen you know."

"Sorry. I tend to forget. Wait, why weren't you freaking out the night of your birthday?"

"Well, we were in a huge group and I've been there before, I know they never check IDs. I've never been here before. I have a fake ID but I have a feeling they wouldn't fall for it here."

He laughed. "You have a fake? How did I never notice that?"

"Yeah. Blame Rosalie."

"That's funny. You never seem like you're that much younger than me. It could be worse though, I could be thirty five."

I wrinkled my nose. "Yeah I'm not sure if I could do that."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I think I'd feel like there were too many life experiences we didn't share. Sixteen years is a huge difference."

He nodded. "That's true. I'm sure it depends on the people though."

"Well, personally, I don't think I could date someone that much older than me."

"Good thing it's only a six year age gap between us then."

"Right. Plus, it's not like it's as big of a deal with us anyway."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we're not dating. We're…whatever we are. Friends with benefits I guess." I made a face.

"I sort of hate calling it that but there's nothing better that I can come up with."

"Yeah, it's a little…cheesy, although by definition it is true. We are friends," I nodded, "and there are some serious benefits."

"Speaking of being cheesy," I teased him.

He pouted and I laughed.

"Although I agree. I am a fan of the benefits too." I reached down for his hand where it was resting on my thigh and squeezed it.

"Good." He squeezed back, staring at me without blinking and then looked down at his menu for a moment. "Actually, I'm glad you said that though, I was kind of thinking that…"

"May I take your order?"

We both whipped our heads around the waitress. We had both been so absorbed in the conversation that neither of us had noticed her walk up.

"Uh, I'll have the duck," I managed to stutter.

"Would you like soup or salad with that?"

"Uhm, what were my options?"

The waitress rattled them off, looking annoyed. I could see her glance at Edward while I thought about it _. She wasn't even subtle about it,_ I thought, _she was so blatantly ogling him._ I was annoyed, _what if we were here on a date? Or what if he was my husband?_ I quickly squashed that thought. Why did my brain keep going there automatically? My stomach twisted with nerves, this was all so out of control.

"Miss, what did you decide on?" she asked, she was very obviously irritated with me now.

"I'll take the squash soup," I said, praying that I hadn't just pulled that out of thin air and that she'd actually mentioned it.

"And you, sir?" she smiled at Edward. Apparently they did have it. Good. I looked like slightly less of an idiot.

"I'll have the mushroom ravioli," Edward said, "and the squash soup as well."

"Perfect, just let me know if there's anything else I can get for you." The waitresses voice dropped, she was clearly trying to sound sultry. She walked away twitching her hips.

"Ugh," I muttered.

"What?" Edward said, looking slightly confused.

"Oh the waitress, she was just kind of annoying me."

"Why? She seemed alright to me," he shrugged.

I laughed. "Of course she seemed alright to you, she was trying to get in your pants."

He chuckled. " Truthfully, I didn't notice. So why does that bother you?"

"I just think it's kind of tacky. What if we were here on a date or something?"

"Well…" Edward started to say, and my phone rang.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," I said, "I feel awful. I thought I had it turned off. Let me just check and make sure it isn't an emergency."

By the time I got my phone out of my purse it had gone silent. The call was from Charlie's house though.

"Look, I need to call back really quickly, I just want to make sure it's not an emergency. It's my dad."

"Of course, Bella." He smiled at me. "That's fine."

"Dad, is everything alright?" I asked, worried.

"It's fine, Bella. Jacob was the one who called."

"Jacob?" I said perplexed.

"Yeah, he came over with Billy and when he found out you weren't here he decided to call."

I sighed. "Put him on but tell him to make it quick."

All of a sudden the phone crackled and I was having trouble hearing him. "Wait dad, let me go where I can get better reception."

I stood up and whispered, "I'm sorry Edward, I have to get this but I promise I'll make it really quick."

He nodded but he looked a little irritated and I felt guilty for interrupting our night. I walked to the front of the restaurant and stood between the two sets of entry doors. I shivered, it was cold and there was a breeze blowing through it.

"Bella, are you there?" Jacob asked.

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"That's why you called me?" I was incredulous. "I'm kind of busy right now."

"Right, now I remember, Charlie said you were going to dinner with some guy."

"Yeah. Edward and I are at dinner."

"So you're dating him now?"

"May I remind you that it's none of your business?" I said through gritted teeth. "And no, we aren't dating. We just went out to dinner. Anything else you need to know?" Through the foggy window I could see the waitress at the table flirting with Edward.

"Look Jake, I need to get back to the table, I think the wine is here." Right away I knew I had made a mistake.

"Wine, huh? I guess he's pulling out all of the stops finally, not just fucking you in some basement. I wonder what he wants from you now."

"It wasn't a basement, it was the guest bedroom," I growled. "And what the hell does that have to do with anything Jacob? I am hanging up now and going back to enjoy my dinner. I will talk to you once you get your head out of your ass."

I hung up and turned off my phone. I walked to the table and I tried to take a few deep breaths but apparently I was still scowling when I sat down.

"Are you ok, Bella?" Edward's hand came to rest on my arm, it was warm and comforting and I took a deep breath. "You look upset."

I sighed. "I'm ok, just irritated. It wasn't even Charlie calling, it was Jacob. I guess he and Billy were over and he wanted to talk. Although I have a feeling it was more because he wanted to interrupt us."

"Is he still being obnoxious about things?" he asked and then chuckled. "Never mind, I can see from the look on your face that he is. Is he still in love with you?"

"I'm not sure I'd say that he's in love with me…just that he has a big stupid crush and is acting like a twelve year old instead of an adult. He just won't take no for an answer."

"He wouldn't hurt you, would he?" His jaw clenched and I reached up to touch it softly, feeling it relax under my hand.

"Jacob?" I laughed. "God no. He might be an idiot but he would never actually push anything. Don't worry about that. I can't promise I won't hurt him though if he doesn't stop being obnoxious." I let my hand drop to my lap and he took it in his.

He relaxed a little more and smiled at me. "Good. Would you like some wine?"

I sighed, pushing the irritation away. I wanted to focus on Edward, there had been enough distractions already. "That sounds fantastic actually. What did you order us?"

He winced. "I probably shouldn't have done that. I'm not sure what you like. I just sort of took over."

"No, it's fine. I like wine but I don't drink it enough to really know what I'm into."

"I keep waiting for you to tell me I'm a presumptuous asshole who assumes he knows what you'll like."

I chuckled. "You have yet to choose wrong. Every dinner you've picked out for me has been great. But if I feel like you're being too pushy or something I'll tell you."

"Good." He gave me a relieved smile. "It's a pinot noir, I thought it would go well with the duck and the ravioli."

He poured a little into my glass and I sipped it appreciatively. "Yeah…this is fantastic."

"The vineyard is Argyle. I really like their wines."

"How'd you get so into wine anyway?"

"My parents. They're really into it. They have a wine cellar in the basement at their house actually. They spent their honeymoon in Italy and France and they got really into it then. I guess I just grew up with it."

"Hmm that's cool. I guess if that's the case, I'm a Vitamin R expert," I said dryly.

"That's what Chief Swan drinks?"

"Oh yeah. He let me have a sip when I was a kid and I spit it out in his face."

Edward laughed and I momentarily got distracted by the sight of his even white teeth and the way his eyes crinkled up at the corners. "I bet he was hoping that would put you off alcohol forever."

"It nearly did," I admitted. "I blame Rosalie and her Tequila Sunrises for my decent into debauchery."

"How old were you guys?"

"Just turned sixteen."

"Did you guys drink often?"

"Not really. I think you've seen the two times I've been most drunk."

"The poker party and your birthday?"

"Oh yeah. So what about you? Are your parents uptight or laid back about drinking?"

"Somewhere in between I guess. They let me taste a small amount of wine occasionally when I was about fifteen on. For special occasions. I think they had more of a European attitude toward it. You know, if I saw it drank responsibly in moderation I wouldn't be as tempted to go out and get drunk underage."

"Did it work?"

"Kind of. I mean, I didn't drink in high school and it was my sophomore year of college before I ever really got trashed. I blame Emmett entirely for that one."

"What happened?"

"Oh, he dragged me to some party and I drank beer until I threw up in the bushes." He made a face. "Not one of my finer moments."

"Did it put you off beer forever?" I joked.

"Practically. I still shudder at the smell of cheap beer."

"Hey, were you the one with the wine at the house the night we all met?"

"Probably? I don't know what you had. But Jasper usually drinks whiskey and Emmett is a beer

man." He rolled his eyes.

"I think it was a sauvignon blanc maybe."

"Yeah, it probably was mine then. I don't drink whites as much, but they're good sometimes."

He smiled at me. "See, we should have ended up together then. We could have talked wine all night."

"Talked wine? Right. Somehow I have a feeling that wouldn't have lasted long. Maybe plied me with wine to get in my pants," I teased him.

"Maybe a little bit of that too." He grinned at me.

"So is that what the wine is for tonight?"

He laughed. "That wasn't my plan, no. I just thought it would be nice with dinner. Truthfully, I hadn't even thought about it. I wanted to take you out to dinner, do something nice before the holiday and all that."

"No, it is very nice." I took another sip of the wine and relaxed. I was going to put Jacob completely out of my mind and just enjoy dinner. The waitress brought our meals and we talked while we ate.

"Do you want to try the duck?" I asked.

"Sure, I'm up for trying just about anything." He winked at me. I sliced a small piece of the duck breast off and dipped it into the cherry sauce. I handed him my fork and he ate it.

"Oh my god, that is good," he said appreciatively.

"I told you. I have very good taste."

"Well obviously, you're with me." There it was again. The hint that maybe we were more than just friends who happened to have really amazing sex together.

"Obviously."

"Do you want to try the mushroom ravioli?"

"Sure." I expected him to hand me the fork but instead he lifted it to my lips. I let him feed it to me and almost licked the fork clean. "That's incredible. It's very…mushroom-y."

He laughed. "Yes, I'm sure that's how the reviewer from the paper described it."

"Shut up. You know what I mean. What's up with feeding me though? Were you afraid I'd make a mess?"

"Well I have heard rumors about your stunning lack of coordination."

I turned pink. "Shush, that's supposed to be a secret."

"Hey, I have absolutely no complaints about your coordination. Also, I didn't miss your little display with the fork there."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

He looked at me. "Right. I may not have been planning on plying you with wine and having my way with you…but I'm starting to change my mind. More wine?" he held the bottle near my glass like he was about to pour.

I laughed. "Sure. Although I can't drink too much, I don't think Charlie would appreciate me coming home drunk."

"I'll just have to keep you out late enough that it won't matter. Besides, you have to drink most of it, remember, I have to drive. And I wouldn't want to have lied to Charlie about getting you home safely."

The rest of dinner went by quickly and before I knew it we were finishing up the slice of flourless chocolate cake that we'd ordered to split, and I was sipping the last of the wine. I wasn't drunk but I was certainly pleasantly buzzed. There was a heady lightness in my head, a languid feel to my limbs, and a tingling awareness between my legs. I wasn't really sure that the wine had a thing to do with that though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The date will continue in the next chapter.
> 
> -How did Edward do for their first date? I think he did pretty well, but he did fail to mention to Bella that he wanted it to be a date, so I think he looses a few points there...
> 
> -Do you think Edward was trying to tell Bella something during dinner?


	27. Flames

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is part two of their date. I can't beg enough, please listen to the song at the beginning of the chapter while you read it. It's a beautiful song, and it adds so much to the mood of the chapter. If you want to time it with the story, begin it where Edward puts music on. You'll see why.
> 
> Here's a link to it: http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XIheixQi5M

**Chapter Twenty Seven: Flames**

Close your eyes

Let me touch you now

Let me give you something that is real

Close the door

Leave your fears behind

Let me give you what you're giving me

You are the only thing

That makes me want to live at all

When I am with you

There's no reason to pretend

That when I am with you I feel flames again

Just put me inside you

I would never ever leave

Just put me inside you

I would never ever leave

You

-"Flames" by VAST

* * *

Edward helped me into my coat and leaned down to kiss me when he was done. I smiled at him and he took my hand. The waitress and hostess both glared at me and I repressed a childish urge to flip them off. The air was cold outside when we left the restaurant and I glanced up when I realized it was snowing. The flakes were large and very fluffy and there was a thin layer blanketing everything in sight.

"It's gorgeous," I breathed and I stood there with my face to the sky for a moment.

A snowflake caught on my eyelash and when I blinked, it started to melt on my cheek. I could feel the tips of my ears starting to get cold and I roused myself to look over at Edward and head toward his car. The snowflakes were already sticking to his hair and he was staring at me with a look of such desire that I stumbled. He caught me and pulled me close to him.

"You're beautiful in the snow," he said smiling softly. "I want you so badly."

"I want you too." I reached my gloved hand up to touch his cheek. "But we don't have a lot of options. It is sort of cold out, if you hadn't noticed."

"We could go back to my house."

"I can't stay very late."

"I know. Just for a little while," he promised and I nodded.

We got in the car and drove to his house, listening to music. It didn't take long for the car to warm up and I sank back into the heated leather seats, my head resting back against it. I closed my eyes, concentrating on the feel of his fingers wrapped around mine and the mellow sounds of a classical cello piece playing.

"I think Jasper is at Alice's tonight and Emmett is visiting his parents," Edward said quietly.

"So we have the place to ourselves then?" I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at him.

"I think so."

"Was this part of the plan?"

"No, I swear it wasn't. I always think I can be strong enough to resist you but I can't ever seem to get enough of you."

I smiled and closed my eyes again. It wasn't long before he pulled up in front of the house and I was surprised by the icy wind that whipped around the car when I got out. I was grateful when we were inside the house, the snow was beautiful but it was bitterly cold out. The snow was coming down more heavily and I wondered what kind of a storm we were in for.

"Want me to start a fire?" he asked me.

"Sure, that sounds nice."

I took off my coat and shoes and left them in the entryway. I curled up on the couch while Edward built a fire. It wasn't long before there was a warm fire crackling in the fireplace and I sighed and stretched out.

"This is really nice. I wish Charlie had a real fireplace. His is just a gas one."

"Yeah, I really don't use it enough." Edward came and sat beside me and pulled me close. "And now all of a sudden I have these 'take Bella in front of the fire' fantasies," he said huskily.

I shivered. "I like the sound of that."

His eyes darkened but he pulled away. "Before I let myself get too carried away I want to give you your Christmas gift."

"You really didn't have to get me anything, Edward."

"I know, but I wanted to. I saw it and it made me think of you. Let me go get it."

He went into the entryway and I could see him rummaging around in his coat pocket. He pulled out a long narrow flat jewelry box and handed it to me. I unwrapped it carefully and gasped when I opened it up.

"It's incredible."

The necklace was a pendant with a small oval stone hanging from a simple silver chain. The stone was an inky blueish purple with tiny flecks of silver shimmering in it.

"It's like the night sky," I said softly, tilting it back and forth so the silver shimmered in the light.

"It's called blue goldstone."

"I love it."

He smiled and reached his hand up to touch my face. "I'm glad. I saw it at a shop while I was out looking for Christmas gifts and I knew it was perfect for you."

"Thank you. Now let me get my gift for you."

I had placed the small gift bag just inside the entry door when we got to the house and I went to get it. I handed him the bag, feeling slightly embarrassed at my rather paltry gift. He pulled out the tissue paper and lifted out the book.

"It's a biography on Debussy. I hope you like it."

"I do."

He kissed me soundly on the lips and then took a moment to peruse the book. He did look genuinely pleased and I relaxed a little. It wasn't quite as unusual or extravagant as his gift, but he seemed to like it.

"I'm really looking forward to reading it. And now I'll have something to do instead of being bored out of my mind in Forks."

I laughed. "Would you help me put the necklace on?"

"Of course."

I lifted it from the box and unclasped it before handing it to him and turning away. I held my hair up away from the back of my neck and he carefully fastened it on me. I let my hair fall back down but he caught it and kissed the back of my neck once. I shivered at the feeling and he continued to softly move his lips against my skin.

"This is nice," I sighed.

"Mmmhmm." I shivered at the feeling of his warm lips and breath, and the way my skin vibrated under his as he spoke.

"Is now when we get carried away?" I asked breathlessly and he laughed softly and let my hair drop.

"Yes."

His hands skimmed around my body to my breasts, cupping them in his hands. My nipples hardened against him even through the fabric of my sweater and I moaned quietly.

"What if Jasper or Emmett comes back?" I asked. I was barely able to form a coherent thought but I didn't want to have them barge in on us.

"I locked the deadbolt and the chain. We're safe."

"Mmm, ok."

He tossed a blanket on the floor in front of the fire and I laid down on it. He kissed me and then stood up.

"Just one more thing," he whispered. He went over to the bookshelf and fiddled with something. Soft music filled the room and I smiled when I recognized the song. And then he was beside me on the floor, slipping his clothes off and undressing me until I lay back wearing nothing but the necklace he gave me. He touched my skin softly in long strokes until every inch of it was tingling and hypersensitive. Chills raced through me, although my skin was burning hot from the fire.

"Please, Edward," I whispered, tilting my face up to kiss him.

He kissed me and I closed my eyes. Our bodies wound together, twisting and twining until I could hardly tell where I left off and he began. His lips trailed down my neck to my chest, pausing briefly to worship my breasts and then moved to linger on my stomach. I sighed and moved under him, my legs falling apart. His fingers skimmed across my inner thigh and I squirmed under his touch. Just as he was about to reach my wetness his hand moved to my other thigh.

"Edward," I sighed, pleading and needy for more.

"Slowly. Let me touch you," he whispered.

He slid down until he was between my legs and kissed his way up and down each thigh. He blew a stream of cool air across my sensitive skin and I shuddered. His tongue ran lightly across the seam of my lips.

"You taste so good." His voice was hushed, and reverent.

I gripped the blanket beneath me as he stroked every inch of me with his tongue. I was hovering just on the edge of an orgasm when he moved from between my legs. I wound my fingers into his hair and cradled his head in my hands. He looked into my eyes as he slid inside of me. It was achingly slow and my head fell back, overwhelmed with pleasure.

His skin in the firelight was beautiful, it glowed golden and I noticed his eyes were an equally warm, molten color. I arched up to meet his thrusts. Slowly and unhurriedly he moved inside of me, my flesh enveloping his as he sank in and then retreated. We moved in time to the music, slowly and gently. I ran my hands along his back, wanting to feel every inch of his skin against mine. I clenched around him, my body shaking when the pleasure became overwhelming. He came with a soft shuddering sigh, his head buried in my hair, his breath warm against my neck.

"Bella...I..." his voice cracked on my name, and he didn't continue. He pulled me even closer until we were wound around each other, still rocking together gently. Eventually we stilled and lay there for a long time. An ache built in my chest, overwhelming me with how much I wanted to tell him I loved him. I closed my eyes tightly, fighting against the need to cry, I was so consumed with what I was feeling for him. Eventually he turned us both, so he wasn't lying directly on top of me anymore, but we were still joined. His hand ran lightly up and down my back and I could feel the soft whoosh of his breath against my skin. The music had stopped and all I could hear was the crackling sounds of the fire. He pulled a blanket up over us and we lay there quietly for a while. Eventually, the fire burned down and with a soft noise the logs disintegrated and I noticed a chill in the air.

"We should go," I whispered softly.

"I know." His voice was slightly muffled from where it was still tucked against my neck. "I don't want to though."

"I don't either," I admitted. I swallowed a lump in my throat, the night had been too perfect. He kissed the side of my neck and pulled back.

"I guess you should call Charlie."

I nodded, and wrapped myself in a blanket and found my phone.

"Hey, Dad," I said when he answered. "I just wanted to let you know that we're about to head back from Port Angeles, but it could take a while. The roads are pretty bad."

"Thanks for calling. They're bad here too. Hey, uh doesn't Edward live in Port Angeles?"

"Uh, yeah." I really wasn't sure where he was going with this conversation.

"Why don't you just stay there?"

"What?"

"Normally I wouldn't suggest having you stay at a guy's house, but the roads are awful, we've already had three accidents called in tonight. Reports are that we're in for freezing rain. And I know Edward and his parents. Unless you don't feel comfortable there, I'd worry less if you just stayed there and came back in the morning."

"Uh, sure. That's fine. I'll call you when we get back in the morning."

"Sounds good. Take care, Bella."

"You too, Dad."

I gaped at the phone in my hand for a moment after I hung up. Charlie had been taken over by the pod people, or something. But telling me that I should stay at Edward's place was the last thing I would have expected him to say.

"What is it, Bella?" Edward asked, looking worried. "Is everything ok?"

"Uh, yeah. It's fine actually. Charlie wants me to stay here with you and come back in the morning."

He looked as astonished as I felt. "Are you sure? This isn't some sort of bizarre set up where he comes charging in with a gun because I defiled his daughter?"

I laughed. "I don't think so. He said there were three accidents in Forks tonight because of the weather and he was worried. I think he decided you were the lesser of two evils, slightly less dangerous than a gruesome car wreck. Apparently your sucking up earlier paid off."

Edward smiled wryly. "Good to know. I'm glad you get to stay though, that part I like. C'mon, let's head upstairs." He scattered what was left of the coals from the fire and put up the screen in front of it and I followed behind him.

I sighed when we got to his room. "I didn't bring a toothbrush or anything and I don't have anything to sleep in."

"I can solve that. I kept the toothbrush you used before, just in case. And I'd really rather you didn't sleep in anything, but if you insist, you can use one of my shirts." He pulled a large grey tshirt from the drawer and tossed it on the bed. "Let me show you where the toothbrush is."

"Do you mind if I take a shower?" I asked.

"Of course not. Here's a towel. I'll go call my parents and let them know I won't be home tonight." He closed the door behind him and I turned on the water. Once it warmed up I removed my clothing and carefully folded it and got in the shower. It felt nice and I stood in the water for a while, doing nothing but let it wash over me. I didn't even notice the bathroom door open until I heard Edward call out, "Bella? Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all," I called back.

He slid in beside me a moment later and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Mmm. Naked Bella, my favorite"

I laughed softly. "You're so weird."

"You know, you keep saying that, but you still seem to like me."

"I do like you." I brushed the palm of my hand across his cheek and he nuzzled into it. Such paltry words for what I was really feeling. But they would have to do.

"I like you too. I'm going to miss you," he whispered, his eyes sad all of a sudden.

"Shh. I know. I'm going to miss you too. No thinking about that though. Let's just enjoy tonight."

He nodded and gently washed my body, his fingers slippery as they moved across my skin. When we were finished and he'd washed his hair we stepped out of the shower. He wrapped me in a large towel and kissed my shoulder.

I toweled my hair dry and combed through it with my fingers. I kept getting distracted by

Edward's lips on my neck and shoulders. I wiggled away from him. "Would you quit it?"

"Nope." He spun me around and kissed me deeply. "Not letting you go."

"But I'd really like to brush my teeth and go to bed."

"Hmm, I guess I can allow that."

He let go and we finished getting ready for bed. I slipped into his large tshirt and he smiled at me.

"You look cute like that."

I crawled into his bed and he slid in beside me, immediately wrapping his arms around me.

"Oh I love this bed," I sighed, "it's massive and so ridiculously comfortable."

"I know, I love it too, although it's much better when you're in it. Do you think Charlie would mind if you slept here every night?"

"I think he might. Plus I kind of have this place that I'm paying to live in. And I don't think I'm up for driving to Seattle every time I have class."

"Damn."

"Nice try though."

"It was worth a shot."

He fell asleep quickly, but it took me longer. I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't tell him how I felt about him. I didn't understand what was holding me back. I loved him. I could finally admit that to myself. But why couldn't I tell him? And how was I going to make it through an entire semester without him? I clung tighter to him and even in his sleep he reciprocated, drawing me back against him with a soft sound of contentment.

**~BC~**

When I awoke in the morning I didn't want to get out of bed. Edward was still asleep and I glanced at the clock. It was still early, barely even light out yet. I pulled the covers up higher and closed my eyes again, falling asleep almost immediately. I woke a few hours later to a very horny Edward. And in an instant I went from groggy and half awake to desperate and needy feeling.

His cock was hard and insistent against my thigh and I sighed when he lifted my leg to hook it over his and slid inside.

"That feels so good, Edward," I moaned.

"I know." His voice was hoarse and his fingers teased at my nipples while he slid in and out of me. His lips trailed across my shoulder and his teeth nipped gently at the skin of my neck. His hand moved from my breast to my hip to pull me harder against him. I groaned and arched back, needing to feel him deeper inside of me. I came quickly and Edward came just a few moments later, his groan muffled against my shoulder. We lingered in bed as long as possible and I could almost feel the invisible hands of a clock ticking away as our time together dwindled.

The drive home went quickly, despite the slippery roads. We talked about his trip and what exactly he'd be doing there and I was reminded of how much I was going to miss him when he went to Italy. Charlie was still gone when we got back and we lingered in his car for a while. I was about to drag him upstairs to my room when my phone rang.

"Bella. Did you make it home yet?" Charlie sounded worried.

"We just pulled into the driveway. I was going to call once I got in the house."

"Oh, alright. Tell Edward thank you for me."

"I will."

"It'll probably be a late night tonight, it's been crazy because of the storm. I probably won't be home for dinner."

"Alright. Be careful."

"Always am."

I hung up the phone. "Charlie wanted me to thank you."

He smirked. "For defiling his daughter?"

"I suspect it had more to do with keeping me safe on the drive there and back."

"Damn."

"And remember, the defiling was mutual."

"Mmm, good point." He grinned at me. "So is Charlie going to be back anytime soon?"

"Nope, he's gone until after dinner." I laid my hand on his leg.

"Hmm. Let's see, what time is it?" He glanced at the clock and groaned. "Damn it, I have to be back at my parent's house. We have family coming over."

"That's a shame." I moved my hand higher on his leg, "I had a few things I was really looking forward to doing."

"You're killing me, Bella."

I smiled. "I know."

He kissed me goodbye and sighed as I removed my hand from his erection.

"I hate to do this, but I need to go. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too," I admitted. "I'll call you tonight, ok?"

"K." He kissed me again and I reluctantly got out of the car.

When I was upstairs in my bedroom I stood in front of the antique mirror staring at myself. My eyes were bright and my cheeks were rosy and flushed looking. I gently touched my fingers to the necklace he had given me, reassured by its sold presence against my breastbone. My lips curved up in a soft smile thinking about the night before and the tender way he'd loved me. No matter how impossible the words, there was love between us, I was almost sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think?
> 
> If you want to see what the necklace Edward gave her looks like, here is a link to a photo of one. Just delete the parenthesis
> 
> http:/900jewelry.com/store/images/qnd/qnd033p.jpg
> 
> And this one is a great example of why it reminds me of the night sky
> 
> http:/ny-image0./il_570xN.227225612.jpg
> 
> About Goldstone: Goldstone is a type of synthetic glass made with Copper or Copper Salts in the presence of a reducing flame. Under normal conditions, Copper ions meld into the Silica to produce transparent bluish-green glass. When it cools, the Copper forms precipitates into small crystalline clusters. The finished product can take a smooth polish and be carved into beads, figurines or other artifacts suitable as a semi-precious stone and is often mistaken for a natural material.


	28. Wintersong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't apologize enough for the delay in posting. Life has been CRAZY. Planning to do post quite a few chapters a day to get this story completely posted.

**Chapter Twenty Eight: Wintersong**

The lake is frozen over

The trees are white with snow

And all around

Reminders of you

Are everywhere I go

It's late and morning's in no hurry

But sleep won't set me free

I lie awake and try to recall

How your body felt beside me

When silence gets too hard to handle

And the night too long

And this is how I see you

In the snow on Christmas morning

Love and happiness surround you

As you throw your arms up to the sky

I keep this moment by and by

Oh I miss you now, my love

Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,

Merry Christmas, my love

Sense of joy fills the air

And I daydream and I stare

Up at the tree and I see

Your star up there

And this is how I see you

In the snow on Christmas morning

Love and happiness surround you

As you throw your arms up to the sky

I keep this moment by and by

-"Wintersong" by Sarah McLachlan

* * *

Christmas morning was crisp and cold. There was a heavy layer of frost on the ground and just a sprinkling of snow. It wasn't much, the dead grass showed through in patches and it could hardly be called a winter wonderland, but it felt like Christmas. I had just pulled on yoga pants and a heavy sweatshirt when my phone rang. I glanced at it curiously and was surprised to see that it was Edward calling.

"Hello?"

"Merry Christmas, beautiful."

"Merry Christmas." I could hear the smile in my voice and I wondered if he could also.

"I just wanted to call to say hi and that I hope you have a good day. Sorry I called so early."

"No, it's fine, I was up." I sat back down on my bed, resting against the headboard and pulling a blanket up over my lap.

"Good. Did you see the snow?"

"I did. It makes me happy."

"Yeah, me too. I wish we'd get more, but at least it's something."

"Better than rain." I chuckled. "So what are your plans for the day?"

"Brunch, and then opening gifts."

"Nice."

"What about you?"

"Yeah, we're headed over to Sue's later today."

"Have you had breakfast yet?"

"No, not yet. I was just about to go downstairs and make something for Charlie and myself. He'll be home in about an hour."

"What are you going to make?"

"Probably just omelets and sausage and toast."

"What kind of omelets?"

"I don't know, mushroom and cheese maybe."

"Mmm."

"Edward, did you call to talk cooking with me?"

"Well, it's either that or talk dirty…ooh, maybe we could do both."

I laughed. "You're ridiculous. What, do you want to eat omelets off of me?"

"Um, no?"

"You do! You totally do."

"Bella, I would eat anything off of you, well, anything edible."

"Fair enough." I burst out laughing, no longer able to contain my amusement at the ridiculous conversation we were having. "God, Edward…really? This is the most ludicrous discussion ever."

"Ever? In the history of the whole world?"

"Yeah, pretty much." I heard a voice in the background on Edward's phone and I heard a muffled reply from him before he continued talking.

"Sorry. gorgeous, I should get going. Brunch is ready."

"That's alright. I should go make our breakfast too."

"Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. I'll miss you today."

"I'll miss you too."

"Call me if you get time tonight."

"Ok. Later, Edward."

"Later, Bella."

I hung up the call and sat on my bed for a moment, staring out the window. That had been…unexpected. I shook my head to clear it, trying to dispel the intimate feel of our phone call. He was just calling to wish me a Merry Christmas, no need to read any more into it than that. But I knew I'd miss him today, and that he'd miss me. The call left a warm, content feeling in my chest, knowing that I mattered enough for him to make the effort. Was it love? The fluttery apprehension settled again in the pit of my stomach and I sighed and stood up, folding the blanket and placing it at the foot of the bed before going downstairs.

I turned on the stereo in the living room to a station that played twenty four hours of Christmas music. I hummed along as I cracked eggs into a bowl and sliced mushrooms and shredded cheese. The package of sausage was already thawed and bread was ready to be toasted. I smiled, thinking about my earlier conversation with Edward. Despite my nerves and confusion, he always left me feeling better.

I set the table, using the nice china that Charlie and Renee had gotten for their wedding. It made me a little sad that she hadn't taken any of it with her, and that Charlie had kept it all these years, but at the same time I hated to see it sit dusty and unused in boxes. I made tea for myself and started a pot of coffee, knowing that it would be ready by the time Charlie got home. We had several Christmas books from when I was a kid and I had unearthed them from the attic when I got out the decorations. I curled up on the couch to wait for him to get home and read. I sipped the peppermint tea and picked up the first book. It was called The Sweet Smells of Christmas and I smiled fondly down at it. It was very old, the binding was cracked and the pages were dog eared but I remembered Charlie reading it to me as a kid. I flipped it open to the first page, dimly recalling the story. It was a scratch and sniff book, and in it a bear and his family get ready for Christmas. They cut down a tree and put oranges in their stocking, hang candy canes on the tree and drink hot chocolate. For each page there was a sticker with a corresponding scent. I scratched at it lightly with my fingernail, testing out each scent. The gingerbread had faded completely, as had the peppermint from the candy canes, but the orange lingered and the pine scent was still strong. I was sniffing the last page when Charlie walked in the door.

"Merry Christmas!" he called out.

"Merry Christmas, Dad."

He smiled when he came in the room and saw what I was reading.

"That was your favorite book when you were little you know?"

"I remember. I remember you reading it to me at least a dozen times before Christmas every year."

"That I did." He chuckled. "Any scent left in it?"

He took off his jacket and hung it in the coat closet, along with his gun in the holster. I found the routine soothing. He'd done it every day he'd come home from work since I could remember. When I was little he'd locked the closet door and put the key safely out of my reach, but he'd stopped locking it was old enough to be trusted not to play with the gun.

"Yeah, a few of them. The pine is still strong."

"Hmm, not surprised, it always was. The hot cocoa never smelled right to me though."

I laughed, remembering. "No, it wasn't right at all." I closed the book and drained the last of my tea. "Let me get breakfast on."

"You're too good to your old man." Charlie huffed, but I could see that he was secretly pleased.

"You go change and I'll have omelets on the table by the time you're done."

"Deal."

He smiled at me and walked upstairs whistling off key to the song on the radio. I got the sausage started and sautéed the mushrooms. The coffee was ready and I poured a cup of each of us, adding plenty of sugar and just a splash of cream, the way he liked it. The omelets were just finishing when Charlie came down in his ubiquitous jeans and flannel shirt, his hair neatly combed and his mustache trimmed. The toast popped up and he offered to butter it.

I couldn't resist teasing him, "Are you sure you can manage that?"

"Of course. Even I can butter toast." He grinned at me and I felt a bubble of happiness well up in me. I missed Charlie when I was at school, and it was nice to be home.

I plated the omelets and the sausage and Charlie laid down several perfect slices of toast on the plates. "Looks good old man."

"Who are you calling old man?" He narrowed his eyes at me.

"No one." I grinned at him and grabbed my plate and cup of coffee, taking them over to the table to sit down. Charlie followed, taking a large sip of coffee before he started on his food.

"The plates look nice," he said quietly, and I looked up, suddenly wondering if they had been the best choice today. He met my eyes and smiled, a little wistful looking, but not unhappy. "I'm glad you put them out. They should get used."

"Good." I nodded and smeared a spoonful of raspberry jam on my toast before biting in to it.

"Great breakfast, Bells," Charlie praised me when we had both finished. "Why don't you pour me another cup of coffee and go have a seat in the living room. I'll clean up the kitchen."

"Are you sure? I can help…" I offered but he shook his head firmly.

"Nope. You made me breakfast. I can do the dishes."

"Alright." I made up a second cup of coffee for both of us, and took them into the living room.

Charlie finished the dishes quickly and joined me just as I'd finished reading the second children's book.

"So, time for presents?" Charlie rubbed his hands together, looking excited. It always amused me how enthusiastic he was about gifts.

"Time for presents."

He brought over a tall stack of gifts and set them by my feet.

"Good lord, what did you get me, Charlie?"

He made a face at me calling him Charlie, but it was a habit I'd never managed to break. I wasn't really sure, but if I remembered correctly it was something I'd started when Renee had left. I hadn't wanted to call her mom anymore, my childish way of paying her back, and somehow that had morphed into calling him Charlie. Although with him, it had been said with affection instead of malice.

"Sorry, Dad." He shrugged and rolled his eyes, used to it by now.

"I just picked up a few things for you…" he looked around guiltily at the large pile of gifts under the tree for me. He always went overboard at Christmas.

I brought over the gifts I had for him and he happily started tearing in to the wrapping. Sometimes he reminded me of a little kid.

I opened the mountain of gifts from a little more slowly. There was an entire box full of books, enough to last me through the next semester and into next summer. Charlie was always proud of the books he picked out, and I had to admit he knew my taste well. A selection of historical fiction, mystery novels and a couple of nice hardcover classics that he knew I liked. He had apparently also talked to Alice, to get ideas for clothes for me. Every year she would go shopping for clothes, and send him a list of items, complete with store names and sku numbers so all he had to do was show up at the store and hand them the list. It amused me to no end, and I had never figured out why Alice didn't just buy the clothes herself and have him pay her back, but it didn't really matter, together they did a great job. This year there was a heavy blue sweatshirt, a cream colored sweater, a couple of pairs of jeans and a handful of long sleeve t-shirts in a rainbow of colors. He beamed at me when I complimented him. There was also a new iPod with twice the storage of my old one, and some iTunes gift cards. My favorite gift was an old photograph of Charlie and I when I was a baby. In it, he was holding me, a wide smile nearly splitting his face in two. I was tiny, wrapped in a blanket with just a fuzz of dark hair peeking out. It was in a pretty silver frame and my eyes welled up when I saw it.

"I thought you might like that. Maybe take it with you to school or something." Charlie cleared his throat awkwardly and turned a little red. "Although that's probably not cool, right?"

I laughed lightly, wiping away my tears, and got up to hug him. "It's not, but since when have I ever cared? I love it and I have the perfect spot on my dresser for it in my dorm room."

"Good," he said gruffly.

"Why don't you open that last gift there?" I pointed at one sitting on the floor by his recliner. "I think you'll really like it."

He smiled at me and tore open the gift, his face transforming into happiness when he saw what it was. "An electronic fish finder? Bella, this is perfect. I have to go call Billy and tell him what I have."

He wandered off to chat with Billy about the thousands of fish they'd be sure to catch next year and I opened my stocking. Charlie usually filled it with food, and this year was no exception. Lindt dark chocolate truffles and spiced mixed nuts topped the list and I couldn't resist unwrapping a truffle and popping it into my mouth. As the chocolate melted on my tongue I couldn't help but think of Edward and the fun we could have with them. I chuckled to myself at that and dug around in the stocking to see what else he had put in there. In the midst of all of the delicious food Charlie always snuck in something funny. This year it was a tiny can labeled 'potted meat product'. I shuddered and set it aside. Sometimes they weren't so bad but that one looked like a doozy. I wasn't sure if I was adventurous enough to try it. I chuckled at the tradition though and reminded myself to tease him when he came back in.

In the toe of the stocking I also found a small envelope with a gift card in it. It was a pre-paid credit card with two hundred dollars on it. I gasped when I opened it, it was far more generous than I had expected. When Charlie came into the room I mentioned it.

"The gift card is too much, Dad…you really didn't have to…"

"I wanted to," he said firmly. "You're doing great in school, I got your report card the other day and you got a 3.94. That's amazing Bella and I know how hard you've been working at school and your job. I want you to know how proud I am and I want you to go do something special. You deserve it."

"But…" I protested and he gave me a stern look.

"Your dad got a nice little raise and he wanted to spend a bit of it on you."

"Thanks." I hugged him again, overwhelmed by everything he'd given me today.

"You're welcome. Thanks for the fishing gear and the flannels. You know I'll use them."

"I know. What time do you want to head over to Clearwater's'?"

"Any time you're ready."

"Ok, just give me a sec to change and I'll be ready to go."

I hurried upstairs to put on the new jeans and sweater and brush my hair and teeth. I put on a little makeup and I was ready to go in about twenty minutes. We drove in companionable silence to LaPush listening to Christmas carols and when we got to the Clearwater's' house it was warm and full of laughter already. I hugged Harry and Billy and traded a somewhat frosty nod with Jacob. I followed the loudest laughter into the kitchen and hugged Sue and she followed me out to Charlie's car to grab the food I'd made. There was a huge dish of wild rice and several pies I'd made the night before.

The kitchen was a whirlwind of activity and Sue and I fell into our usual rhythm, prepping the ham to go in the oven, cutting out the biscuits she'd mixed up, mashing the sweet potatoes and seasoning them. Eventually the other women in the room gradually drifted off as we finished up the last of the meal and took a moment to sit down at the table while the food cooked. She poured me a glass of eggnog and I almost choked on the first sip.

"Jesus…how much rum is in here?"

She grinned at me. "Harry went a little overboard this year."

"It's um, effective." Three sips in I was starting to feel a bit light-headed.

"You bet."

Charlie never minded the small glass or two I had at Christmas, although I had a feeling this year he'd be teasing Harry about trying to corrupt the minors.

"So how have you been, Sue?"

"Oh, pretty good. Busy as usual. Glad to be on break." Sue worked as an elementary school teacher at the school here on the rez and she loved it, but was always ready for her break over the holidays. "How did school go?"

"Great actually. I got a 3.94. I thought it was going to be a 3.8. but one of my profs apparently graded on a curve."

"Wow, that's wonderful, Bella. We're all so proud of you."

"Thanks." I grinned at her. "Charlie really spoiled me this year." I told her about the gifts and her eyes misted over when I told her about the photo.

"That man…I don't know how your mother ever left him. He's such a softie inside. I'll tell you this…I've never seen him happier than the day you were born. He was practically shouting it from the rooftops."

I smiled. "Yeah, he's a great dad."

"I wish I could find someone for him," Sue mused. "I've tried to set him up with a few teachers at my school, but he just hasn't been interested."

I sighed. "I know. He's stubborn. I wish he'd find someone too, especially now that I'm gone."

She nodded, looking a bit dejected, but her face brightened and I could see a twinkle in her eye when she spoke next.

"How about you? How's your pretty boy?"

I laughed. "He's good. He called me this morning to wish me a Merry Christmas."

"Any progress?"

"Sort of?" I shrugged. "He took me out to dinner the other night, and it felt like a date, but he never said it was. Oh, and he gave me this."

I lifted the necklace he had given me from where it was hidden beneath my heavy sweater to show her.

"That's gorgeous Bella."

"I know, it's perfect. Actually, the whole night was. But he's doing a study abroad next semester, so after New Years I won't see him again until the end of the semester. I don't think he'll be back until May or so."

She frowned sympathetically. "That's rough."

"You're telling me."

She filled up my glass again with the eggnog and raised her glass to me. "Well, here's to pretty boys and to them not forgetting what a catch our Bella is."

I smiled at her toast and clinked glasses with her. We moved on to other subjects, the books Charlie had bought me, how much Sue was looking forward to sleeping in the coming week, and the dinner in the oven. Before long the timer went off and we carried heaping trays of food out to the dining table. With a rousing toast to a Merry Christmas, everyone dug into the food and I closed my eyes for a moment, savoring the feeling of camaraderie around the table knowing that despite Renee being gone, I had a better family than most people could ever dream of.

When we were stuffed to the gills and the dishes were cleared and put away we settled back down at the dining room table to play card games. Jacob and some of the other younger kids drifted into the living room to play video games. Normally I went with them, but this year I stayed in the dining room. I sat down next to Sue and she and I teased Billy about cheating. He blushed and stammered and the whole room roared with laughter when the card he had tucked in his sleeve fell out. It was good-natured ribbing and by the time our games had finished and presents had been opened I was feeling great.

Charlie's face was red with a combination of eggnog and good cheer and when we had packed up our gifts and enough leftovers to feed a small army I offered to drive, I couldn't resist teasing him.

"And how many glasses of Harry's very potent eggnog did you drink?"

He grinned. "Just two, and they were hours ago."

I chuckled. "Maybe I should give you a breathalyzer."

"Funny." He rolled his eyes at me. "That reminds me. I have a refill for your pepper spray. It's about time you swapped it out."

"You know, in the ten years you've been giving it to me, I've never once had to use it."

"I know, but it gives your old man some peace of mind."

I laughed and nodded. I knew it did. And although I hoped I'd never have to use it, I was grateful to have it on hand. I hummed along with the music, surprised when Charlie quietly started singing along. He rarely sang, but when he did he had a surprisingly nice voice, rich and mellow. He couldn't whistle to save his life, but his singing was really good. I remembered him singing lullabies when I was little after Renee had left and I'd been plagued with bad dreams.

We were just entering the outskirts of Forks when something occurred to me.

"Hey dad, do you mind if I stop by the Cullen's place? We have an extra pie…"

"Hey, why are you giving away my raspberry pie?" he teased me, but he turned right at the next intersection and headed to their house.

"You have half of one left as is."

"Fine, fine." He grumbled, but as usual I could see his smile peeking out from under his mustache.

We knocked on the door and a surprised looking Edward answered.

"Hey, Bella. Chief Swan." He nodded at Charlie who nodded back.

"Um, I brought raspberry pie," I offered, holding it out to him. He took it from me and invited us in.

"Are your parents home?" Charlie asked, stepping inside.

He shook his head. "No, they went out to visit with some friends. They'll be sorry they missed you though."

"Yeah, maybe some other time."

We chatted for a few minutes, mostly about the weather before Charlie shuffled uncomfortably and said he'd better head out.

"But you can stay here, Bella, if you'd like." I glanced at him, surprised.

"Yeah, that would be nice, we could watch a movie or something," Edward offered. "And I could drive you home a little later."

"Sure, if you don't mind, Dad."

Charlie shook his head. "Nah, you know me, I'll just pass out in my recliner when I get home anyway."

I chuckled, knowing it was true. "All right. I'll be home in a few hours then."

"Wake me up when you get in."

Charlie nodded at Edward and wished him a Merry Christmas before getting back in the car. Edward closed the door and waited for him to drive off before he pulled me into his arms and nuzzled into my neck.

"This is a nice surprise."

"It is. I was just planning to bring by the pie."

"Thank you for that too. Sorry I couldn't help this time."

I laughed. "Maybe another time."

I'd nearly said maybe next year, but I wondered where we'd be in a year. If he would have moved on by then. My chest tightened at the thought. I couldn't imagine being without him.

"I can think of something I'd like to do with you now." He moved my hair away from my face and nibbled gently at my ear sending a shudder through my body.

"Oh yeah?" I asked breathily.

"Oh yeah. But we'll have to go upstairs."

"Mmm, I suppose I can do that." I turned to walk away and Edward followed behind, his lips still teasing my neck as we walked. It was awkward, but incredibly pleasurable.

"This was very unexpected you know." Edward pulled me into his bedroom. "I didn't have time to clean my room."

I glanced around and raised an eyebrow at him. "Yeah, cause you're such a slob. The socks and boxers on the floor, the books piled on the desk, the cds out. Geeze, so rude."

He laughed. "I guess it really isn't that bad."

"Now throw me down on your unmade bed and have your way with me." He chuckled, but he did exactly that. When we were sweaty and exhausted we fell onto the bed and lay there talking.

"Mmm." I stretched. "This was nice."

"Uhhuh. You can do this more often."

"Show up with pie?"

"And pussy." I snorted at his comment and he laughed and rubbed his nose against my upper arm. "You snorted."

"Shut up, I wasn't expecting that."

"I like to keep you surprised."

"Never dull with you, that's for sure."

"That's part of my devious plan."

"Oh yeah, and what's that?"

"To keep you around," he said matter-of-factly.

"Have I been informed of this?"

"You have now."

I rolled my eyes at him but I couldn't help the smile that stretched across my face at the thought of him wanting to keep me around.

"I am so not feeling motivated to do anything right now." I sighed.

"So don't. You can stay a few more hours, right?"

"Yeah. What time are your parents getting home?"

"Probably pretty late. Maybe one, two am?"

"Good. I should be gone before then."

"Were they really that bad?"

"No, I just don't want them to think I'm a trollop."

"A trollop, huh?" He propped himself up on his elbow and traced a finger across my chest in gentle patterns.

"Yep."

"I don't think I would have ever used that word to describe you. Wanton maybe, devastatingly seductive, a siren…"

"Everything I've ever aspired to be." I said dryly.

"You're doing a great job. I want pie." He sat up suddenly.

"Holy lack of segue, Batman."

"I only put it off because I wanted you more."

"Pussy before pie? Is that like bros before hos?"

"Something like that. Want some?"

"Pussy?"

He nearly choked on a laugh. "Well I meant pie."

I groaned. "Uhh, no, I'm pretty sure I'd explode if I ate anything else."

"You stay up here then and keep the bed warm."

"Yes, sir." I mock saluted him and he rolled his eyes at me.

"Naughty girl."

"Just for you," I purred and he groaned and got out of bed, pulling on a pair of pajama pants that hung enticingly low on his hips.

"I changed my mind, you are a trollop." He left the room, closing the door behind him and I stretched again, enjoying the feel of his bed. There was a well-read book on his nightstand and I picked it up. It was A Christmas Carol. I had read about a chapter when Edward came back in the room carrying a plate and fork, and a glass of milk. I marveled that he was able to balance the plate on the glass without dropping it all while he closed the door.

"You're very talented," I commented and he winked at me.

"I know."

"Or shall I say coordinated?"

"I prefer talented. But you can call me either. Just so long as it's my name you're calling out when you come."

"Come back to bed." I patted the mattress beside me and he grinned, setting the glass and plate down. He crawled in beside me and kissed my shoulder before picking up the plate to take a bite.

"Mmm, this is really good."

"Thanks."

"I can't believe you brought me a whole pie."

"We had some extra. Charlie still took half a pie home."

"How many did you make?"

"Four, but someone else brought a couple of pecan and lemon meringue."

"I like all of those."

"Pie slut."

"Just for your pie." He waggled his eyebrows at me and I laughed.

"So how was your Christmas?"

"Really good."

"Get anything exciting?"

"A new laptop. With a really great webcam."

"So you can seduce me from across the Atlantic Ocean?"

"I kind of doubt that's what they had in mind. But yes, I will definitely be using it to my advantage."

"Hey, your bed doesn't squeak anymore."

"Nope. I fixed it."

"Hopeful I'd be here again?"

"Very. Besides, it just needed a few screws tightened, nothing major."

"Well aren't you handy?"

"Aren't you impressed?"

"Mmm, very."

We spent another couple of hours lazing around in his bed watching Christmas movies and I sighed when I realized it was time for him to take me home.

I reluctantly left his bed and started dressing. He pulled on clothes and we walked downstairs to the entryway to put on boots and coats. I opened my mouth to ask him a question about New Years and found my back up against the door and his hot and hungry mouth descending on mine. We kissed for a while, exploring each other's mouths with a desperate abandon. His fingers wound through mine and he pulled my arm up over my head to rest against the door. I moaned when his hips pushed into mine and I could feel him hard and needy against my slightly tender wetness.

"Again?" I gasped.

"Again."

His fingers left mine and he pulled back from me far enough to unbutton my jeans and slide them off of me, along with my underwear. His followed and he pressed into me, lifting me and coaxing me to wrap my legs around his waist as he fucked me against the door. There was something primal about the way he was taking me and the fact that he lifted me like I hardly weighed anything was such a turn on. I nipped at his neck with my teeth and he groaned and his rhythm faltered for a second. I tasted his flesh, slightly salty from the sweat that had formed there earlier. He called out my name when he came but all I could manage was a low, wordless sound of pleasure. We were both shaking when he lowered me to the floor and I dressed clumsily.

We held hands on the drive back and sat in the driveway for a while talking and making out. I felt giddy with pleasure as we kissed, suddenly feeling like I was actually kissing my boyfriend. Every time we disentangled ourselves one or the other of us would start it again and it was incredibly late by the time I finally pulled away panting and braced my hands on his chest.

"Enough, Edward," I laughed. "This is getting ridiculous."

He pouted. "But you taste so good and I can't get enough of you."

"I know," I said softly, aware that the frenzied need in both of us stemmed from the rapidly dwindling time we had before he left. I felt like I needed to stock up on kisses and touches from him to hold me through the coming months. With a sick, sinking feeling I kissed him again, needy and wanting more. I felt raw and vulnerable and I knew that if he'd told me how he felt then, and asked me to be his girlfriend I would have said yes. But I still couldn't make myself form the words. We kissed instead until the need for him was almost overwhelming.

"I need to go Edward," I finally said quietly.

His thumb stroked against my cheek and he gave me a soft, sad smile and sat back.

"Goodnight," I said as I opened the car door and got out.

"Night, Bella," he sighed.

Charlie was dead asleep when I came in the door, snoring loudly in his chair. I gently shook his shoulder to wake him up and he started awake.

"Whaaa...? Oh Bella. You're home."'

"Yeah, you should head up to bed, you were out cold."

"Thanks." He shuffled up to bed and before I had even finished brushing my teeth I could hear his snores coming from behind his door.

In my room after a quick shower, I curled up in my bed, missing Edward so much that I nearly cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly bittersweet chapter before he goes.
> 
> -What did you think?
> 
> -Do you think Charlie has an inkling of what's going on with the two of them?
> 
> The next chapter will be New Year's Eve and he'll leave New Year's Day.


	29. The New Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is New Year's Eve. Edward leaves New Year's Day. Things are going to get rough from here on out.

**Chapter Twenty Nine: The New Year**

So this is the new year.

And I don't feel any different.

The clanking of crystal

Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year

And I have no resolutions

For self assigned penance

For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on

Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once

Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn

As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days

Then I could travel just by folding a map

No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways

There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year

-"The New Year" by Death Cab for Cutie

* * *

I had been dreading the New Years Eve party at the guys' house. It was also Edward's going away party. He was leaving the following morning and I felt sick every time I thought about it. But ignoring it didn't make it go away and it was there before I knew it. I got ready with Rosalie and Alice, doing my makeup and hair in a daze. My hair was long and straight and I pinned it partially back. My eyes were dark and smoky and my lips were a subtle rose color. I slipped into tight black pants and heels and buttoned on a deep blue satiny shirt that tied at the waist. The clothes were ones Alice had given me for Christmas and under normal circumstances I would have been thrilled with them, but that night I couldn't even focus on them. I stared at myself in the mirror and gently touched the necklace Edward had given me. I only took it off to sleep and shower and I knew he'd be pleased to see it on me.

I posed for photos with the girls and smiled when I saw the three of us together. Alice was adorable in a purple lace mini dress and Rosalie was her usual stunning self in a slinky black number. The guys were going to swallow their teeth. We were greeted enthusiastically when we left the guest bedroom and went downstairs to see them. Edward wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close.

"You look incredible," he murmured against my hair.

"You look pretty hot yourself."

He had on black pants and a crisply ironed pale blue grey shirt. He kissed my forehead and gently touched my necklace with the tips of his fingers. He didn't say a word; he just smiled softly and his arms moved to my waist and tightened around me, drawing me close. We spoke quietly for a few minutes, talking softly, hesitant to let go of each other until Jasper asked for Edward's help getting a few things ready for the party. Shortly after, guests started to arrive. I helped the girls set up the drinks in the kitchen and greeted people as they came in. I recognized some of the guest from previous parties at the house and we'd invited Angela and Ben but I was too restless to stand and talk to anyone. I wandered into the living room to find Edward and ran into Emmett instead.

"Hey Em."

He smiled at me. "Hey. How's it going?"

"Really well. How about you?" I smiled at him, although it was forced. "Are things going well with Rosie?"

"She's amazing," he breathed.

"Everything you hoped for?"

"More."

"I'm so happy for you." I hugged him and he smiled down at me.

"Me too. How are things going with Edward?"

I swallowed a lump in my throat, hurting at the reminder that he was leaving tomorrow. "Good. We're having a lot of fun."

Emmett gave me a disapproving look. "You are so full of it."

"We are having fun," I protested.

"But that's not all. I can see it written all over both of you. You care about each other."

"Of course we do. We're friends."

"And more."

"Yes, and more. But don't try to make it more than it is."

"I'm not. I can see it so clearly. It's there, Bella."

"Emmett. I…I can't."

"You need to think about telling him how you feel."

"Not when he's leaving tomorrow."

Emmett sighed. "Bella…"

"Please Em, not tonight," I begged. I knew what he was trying to say, but I couldn't do it. There were enough nagging worries swirling around in my head without additional pressure from my friends.

"Fine. But if you're still 'together' or whatever when he gets back, you had better do something."

"I will." I gave him a fake smile that I knew he wouldn't buy, but he let it go. "Now tell me more about you and Rose."

"She's perfect," he sighed.

"You mean she's a raging bitch?" I smiled to let him know I was kidding.

"Yeah." He laughed. "But she's my raging bitch. And I love her."

"Wow. That seems…fast. She's only been back for a few weeks."

"I know. But she's it for me. I'm sure of it."

I squeezed his arm. "I'm so happy that it worked out for you. And I want to thank you for getting her to talk to me, and for being there when she needed you."

He nodded. "I didn't have to do as much as you'd think. She wanted to forgive you; she was just kind of lost."

"I know."

"I wish Edward weren't leaving. We're finally all back together."

"Yeah, me too," I said softly and he squeezed my hand. I hadn't talked much to Emmett about Edward, but somehow he seemed to understand. I cleared my throat. "I think I'm going to go get a drink and wander around for a bit."

"Sure thing." Emmett kissed my cheek and I disappeared back into the kitchen. I mixed myself a drink and stood at the table, staring blankly down at the drink in my hand trying not to break out in tears at the thought of Edward leaving the next day.

I finally roused myself from my stupor and wandered back into the hall. I saw Rosalie in the living room and I was hoping to pull her aside to talk to her for a few minutes. She waved and I made my way across the room to try to catch her but I got sidetracked by Angela and when I looked up, she was gone. I lost track of her and it was hours before I saw her again. I finally cornered her in the kitchen.

"Rose, can we talk for a few?"

She looked puzzled. The room was fairly empty other than a couple of random guys who were standing by the fridge debating the merits of bottles versus cans of beer and they didn't seem to be paying any attention to us.

"What's up Bella?" she asked.

"I just want to make sure things are ok with us," I said.

"Of course they are, I told you that last week."

"I know, I just wanted to be sure since I'm here with Edward and everything. If you're not cool with it…"

She smiled. "You're fine. It's no big deal, I have my Monkey Man now, I don't need your man too." Her words would have sounded harsh coming from anyone else but she winked and I knew she was just teasing.

"Monkey Man? Do I even want to know Rose?"

She grinned and took another sip of her drink. "That depends; looking for ideas?"

"Ideas for what?"

"To spice things up."

I laughed and nearly choked on what I was drinking. "No thanks, I think we have that covered."

"So what's it like with him?"

"What do you mean what's it like? You slept with him too." This conversation was getting more and more surreal.

"I know, but he never looked at me the way he looks at you."

"I'm not sure what you mean, Rose."

"He doesn't just want to fuck you; the man wants to keep you. You should see the way he looks when anyone else so much as glances at you."

I laughed, hopeful and nervous at the same time. "I think you're imagining things. Or you're drunk. Or both."

"Trust me, if a guy so much as makes a move toward you he starts acting all wiggy."

"Wiggy? I think you've been watching too many episodes of Buffy lately."

"I mean it though."

"Maybe he is a little…territorial sometimes," I said. "But it's not a big deal. He doesn't want to keep me, he's just…I don't know Rose. But I think you're imaging things. And like you should talk about being territorial."

She grinned, "Fair enough. Speaking of which, I am going to go remind my Monkey Man that his banana belongs only to me."

I snorted and waved her away. Warm arms slid around my waist and I shivered.

"What was that about bananas?" Edward's voice was low in my ear and his breath felt hot against my skina.

"Nothing you want to hear about. Some little thing Rose and Emmett having going on. I'm quite sure I don't want to know any more of the details."

"Probably not. So what else were you guys talking about? Please tell me your entire conversation wasn't about Emmett's banana."

I wondered how much of the conversation he'd heard. "Oh. Just making sure she was cool with things. With both of us being here."

"And what's the verdict?" He nuzzled my neck and I felt my brain turn to mush.

"Oh um. She's good."

"And how are you?"

Fuck, I was having trouble focusing and it didn't have anything to do with the two drinks I'd had. "I'm…I'm good too."

"Just good?" He wasn't doing anything but softly brushing his lips across my neck and behind my ear but I was weak in the knees and incredibly turned on.

"Yep. Good. I mean, no…I mean. Fuck. I can't focus."

He laughed. "Am I distracting you?"

"Maybe?" I squeaked.

He laughed and it was low and warm sounding. "What do you need to be focusing on anyway? We could always just go upstairs…and then you can forget all about everything else."

The things his voice was doing to me were obscene. "That sounds nice."

His lips pulled away and I managed to regain enough control of my brain to say, "Wait, we probably should go mingle or something. It is your party."

He spun me around in his arms until I was facing him. "Fuck my party."

I laughed. "That's a lot of people. You're probably going to have to get started right away."

"You know you're the only one I want," he growled. His lips teased along my collarbone and I moaned.

"Edward, you're killing me here…"

"That's the plan…"

"Edward!" Alice came barging in. "There's a problem with the playlist. Someone fucked with it and for some reason it froze up, I don't know what's going on with your laptop."

"Can't Jasper fix it?" he grumbled, his head still against my throat.

"No, he said he wouldn't be held responsible for fucking up your nine billion mp3s."

"I am going to kill him," he muttered and then straightened up. "Fine. I'll be there in a sec." Alice disappeared back into the living room and he looked at me. "But you…we're continuing this later."

I shivered. "Is that a promise or a threat?"

"Maybe both." He took my hand and we walked into the living room. He fiddled with the computer for a few minutes and I got bored and wandered over to Alice.

"So how's it going other than the musical disaster?"

"Good." She beamed at me. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good. Things are going well with Rosie. She seems fine with everything."

"I'm glad." Alice hugged me. "How about with Edward?"

"What about it?"

"Are you going to tell him how you feel before he leaves?"

"Ugh, Ali…I really don't want to have this conversation right now."

"Is it that you don't want to have the conversation now or that you don't want to have it at all?"

"Both."

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "So I noticed that Edward's been rather territorial tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"Did you see the way the guy was staring at you in the kitchen?"

"What guy?" I asked, confused.

"Just some guy I noticed checking you out before Edward wrapped himself around you. He seemed kind of possessive."

"Did you and Rose plan this?" I snorted.

"Plan what?" Alice looked confused.

"Plan to both have this conversation with me. She told me the same thing and she thought he'd get all wiggy if another guy tried to go after me."

Alice's eyes gleamed and I knew that meant trouble. "We can always test that theory."

"Al, no. That is NOT a good idea. Remember, I'm aiming for less drama in my life, not more."

"But it'll be fun. I really want to see what would happen."

I rolled my eyes and begged her, "Please no. I really don't want to deal with it. He's leaving tomorrow, I just want to have a good night."

She sighed. "Fine. You're no fun."

"Probably true."

She went back to her conversation with the girl on her left and I looked around the room. Edward was still frowning at the computer but he looked up at me long enough to grin and wink. I sighed, doing things like that should be illegal in a public place. It made me want to rip off his clothes and have my way with him.

I wandered over to the bookcase to distract myself. I wasn't really in the mood to make small talk with random people. My brain was going a million miles an hour. I watched Emmett and Rosalie together and swallowed the lump in my throat that appeared when I saw them together. He had the biggest grin I'd ever seen on his face and she was glowing with happiness. I saw him scoop her up in his arms and spin her around. She shook her head and thumped him on the arm when he finally put her down, but her smile was nearly as big as his. He cradled her face in his massive hands and leaned down to give her a lingering, tender kiss. I wanted to cry seeing them so happy. I was thrilled for them, but I so desperately wanted that with Edward I could almost taste it. I glanced at him, watching him frown with concentration and I wanted to smooth the lines between his eyebrows and kiss them away.

I sighed and pulled a book off the shelf and was reading the back when I heard someone behind me say, "you look pretty engrossed in that."

I jumped in surprise. "You startled me." I turned around and there was a cute guy I'd never seen before standing there.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to." He smiled at me. "I'm Jack by the way. I noticed you earlier."

"Bella."

"So what book has you so enthralled?"

"Oh, um, _The Moon is a Harsh Mistress_. I've never read it before but I've read a lot of Heinlein's stuff. I loved _Stranger in a Strange Land_." I realized I was kind of babbling but I couldn't seem to stop.

"Hmm, so you're into books huh?" He sidled closer. "Because I can think of something a lot more fun. What do you say? You, me, one of the empty rooms upstairs..." He winked at me.

"Um…look…" I wasn't entirely sure how to respond other than to tell him that I was very definitely not interested in him. My brain scrambled to pull together an appropriate response. "Look Jack…I'm not..."

"She's with me." Suddenly Edward was behind me and he yanked me close. "Sorry buddy."

Annoyance flickered over the guys face. "Sorry dude, didn't know she was taken."

"She is."

"Didn't mean to go after your girlfriend."

I started to open my mouth to say that I wasn't Edward's girlfriend when he interrupted. "Just move along and we'll be fine."

"Right." The guy did some sort of weird macho head nod and walked away.

"What the hell was that Edward?" I turned around to look at him.

"He was leering at you Bella. It was creepy."

"Yeah, it was a little creepy but I can handle myself. I was just about to tell him that I wasn't interested and that he should leave me the fuck alone. You didn't have to come over here and start getting all wiggy…"

The words died in my mouth. Fuck. He had been acting weird. Either Alice and Rosalie were right or they had set me up. I paused, even if they had set me up, they were right. Edward had been about to flip out on the guy for flirting with me, he was being possessive.

"Wiggy?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Sorry, just a comment Rose made earlier."

"Why were you talking about Buffy?"

"Don't ask. Anyway, I can handle myself. You don't have to lie to the guy about us."

"I wasn't lying, you are taken." His eyes darkened. "In fact, right now I'm taking you up to my room. To hell with the rest of the party."

"That's not what I meant. I…" The rest of my sentence was cut off when his mouth touched mine.

He kissed me roughly and thoroughly and then said, "Stop talking, Bella. I can't wait any longer, we're going upstairs."

I wasn't opposed to disappearing with him for a while but I felt bad taking him away from the other guests. "We should probably at least stay down here until midnight. That's only another forty five minutes."

"I am not waiting forty five more minutes to have you. You're mine. Now." His finger traced down my spine. I shuddered and my brain turned to mush again.

"Edward…you're distracting me again."

"I know. But if you don't get your cute little ass in gear I'm going to throw you over my shoulder and carry you up there."

I squeaked, "No, I'm going. I can walk." And I tugged his hand toward the stairs.

"On the other hand, maybe I'll just carry you anyway. Show the jackass that you're taken."

"No, Edward…what are you doing…no…" I squealed as he picked me up and threw me on his shoulder and carried me through the party. I turned red when I heard a few catcalls. "God I'm embarrassed," I muttered.

"And turned on?" he asked hopefully. By then we were almost up the stairs and his shoulder dug into my stomach painfully.

"Oof. No, just embarrassed."

"We'll have to work on that then."

I was vaguely irritated with him and trying to sort out in my head what Edward's occasional jealous moments did to me. In a way, it was reassuring, it reinforced the fact the he did care about me. He'd certainly never been jealous or possessive over Rosalie. But I wasn't entirely comfortable with it.

And there was a difference between the two as well. I liked the idea of being his, of him possessing me. But jealousy implied that he didn't trust me. And while I knew we had no rules about who we could see, I didn't like the thought that he didn't trust that I wouldn't start flirting with some other guy at his party, the night before he left.

He walked into his room and locked the door behind us. He tossed me on the bed and grinned at me a little sheepishly. "So you're not into the caveman thing?"

"Not so much."

"That's too bad, because I kind of like being one."

"You might want to try that with someone else. It doesn't do much for me."

"You don't want to be rescued?"

"Nope, I'm just not the damsel in distress type."

"Bummer," he sighed. "Sometimes I just feel very protective of you."

"I appreciate the thought, but I don't like the macho crap. It really bothers me."

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't believe the stuff that jackass was saying." He sat down on the bed beside me.

I rolled my eyes. "It's not like I haven't heard shit like that before. I can take care of myself. Besides, it's no worse than anything you'd say to me."

"But it's different if I say it."

"How is it so different?"

"We're…together. I know you like me talking dirty to you. Did he really think you were just going to fall in bed with him because he fed you some lame line? You shouldn't have to put up with jerks like that. I wanted to make sure he knew that."

"I survived for eighteen years without you, Edward." I rolled my eyes again.

"But think how much better it is now that I'm around."

I laughed. "It certainly is more exciting."

"Let me remind you just how much."

He leaned down to kiss me and with a sigh I let go of my frustration. We could spend our last night together arguing, or enjoy the time before he left. It was an easy decision. I tugged at his clothing and he stood up to strip himself and then me. The mood quickly shifted, tension crackling through the air as he stared at my naked body on his bed, his eyes raking over me. I breathed shallowly, aware of how limited our time was. How desperate I was to get my fill of him.

"Lay on your stomach," he whispered and I turned over, my body shivering with anticipation before he even touched me. He ran his hands over my body, until my skin was tingling and sensitive. He placed a kiss in the middle of my back before lifting my hips a little to thrust two fingers inside of me.

"Edward," I groaned, arching my back to meet his thrusts.

"Tell me how it feels, Bella." He twisted his fingers as he stroked in and out of me.

"Fuck, so good," I gasped, thrusting back against him.

"Mmm, you like that?" His voice was raspy and I shivered, the sound of it went straight to my already throbbing clit.

"Yeah."

"Are you going to come for me?"

I moaned. "Yes, I'm close."

"I want to fuck you," Edward growled and grabbed my hips roughly to pull me back toward him. He positioned himself at my entrance and I pressed back against him. He held my hips still for a moment before thrusting deeply inside of me. I felt my head arch back and a deep groan ripped from my chest.

"Fuck you feel good," Edward said, thrusting deeply inside of me. "Talk dirty to me, Bella, tell me how I make you feel."

I gasped and arched back to meet his thrusts, wanting him to be rough and unrestrained with me.

"Full," I choked out, "God, I can feel you so deep inside of me. You're so hard."

"I've wanted to fuck you since you got here tonight." He wrapped a hand around my hair and tugged and I whimpered.

"Edward," I gasped. "I need you to make me come."

He smacked my ass and I gasped and bucked against him. "Do you like it when I spank you?" he asked roughly.

"Fuck, yes. I can feel it go straight to my clit." I moaned.

"Mmm, naughty girl."

"Do it again," I begged and I felt the sharp sting and then the flush of pleasure that followed. I reached down to rub at my clit.

"You are naughty, playing with your pussy like that. Can you feel how wet you are?"

"Yes. It's from you. You make me wet."

"Fuck, I'm so close," he groaned. "I need to feel you come on my cock." He reached around my hip and his fingers joined mine. We both worked at my clit furiously for a moment before I lost it.

"I'm coming," I gasped, shuddering and shaking as my orgasm overwhelmed me.

"Me too," he choked and rested his head against my shoulder blades, muffling his cries of pleasure. "Jesus, you feel so fucking good," he mumbled.

I collapsed forward, feeling weak and overwhelmed. He gently flipped me over and pressed my legs wide open.

"What are you doing?" I asked weakly.

He looked up at me and gave me a slow, devastating smirk. "I'm going to make you scream my name."

I shuddered at his words and he brushed a thumb over my clit which sent me into a spasm of pleasure. He lowered his head and plunged his tongue inside of me to tease at my opening.

"I can taste both of us," he whispered and dove in again, to lick me clean.

I writhed under him, over-sensitized and desperate for another release. He slid two fingers into me and I arched up off the bed. His tongue moved to my clit with hard flat strokes that wiped all coherent thoughts from my brain. I could hear myself gasping and moaning and begging. When he added a third finger and his teeth lightly scraped across my clit I exploded into pleasure, crying out his name.

He gently disengaged himself from me and slid up so he was lying next to me. I lay panting on the bed bedside him, too worn out to move. He traced gentle circles across my hip, pressing occasional soft kisses to my shoulder. We lay there staring into each other's eyes, trying not to let the threat of the following day creep in and spoil the mood. I could hear the indistinct thump of music downstairs and the laughter and shouting of people celebrating. I glanced over at the clock to see the time, 11:59. Vaguely, I could hear people counting down to the New Year and I felt Edward take in a deep shuddering breath.

"Happy New Year," I whispered and Edward kissed me, tenderly, desperately, pulling me closer to his body. Every moment that ticked by was another moment closer to being away from him and I frantically tried to come up with a way to distract both of us.

"Let's go take a shower," I said quietly. "I'm in the mood to get wet."

He gave me a smoldering glance and dragged me into the bathroom and turned on the water. In the shower I dropped to my knees, desperate to feel him in my mouth. My hand ghosted over the muscles of his thigh and I brushed my lips across the skin of his hipbone. His stomach muscles clenched and then relaxed. I looked up at him as I moved my head to his cock. I had barely even touched his skin before he let out a shuddering breath. My tongue licked slowly up his hardness, briefly tasting the liquid that pooled at the tip. His eyes darkened as I tasted him, never leaving mine. When my hand reached out to wrap around him he hissed. The warm water fell around us and the steam made my skin flush. As I continued to explore him with my tongue I felt wetness gather between my legs. I slid him partway into my mouth and he groaned, deep from within his chest. My other hand gripped his thigh to steady myself and I slid him further in. He staggered a little and stepped back far enough to lean against the wall. He helped me slide forward until he was in my mouth again. I continued to tease him and his fingers twined gently in my wet hair, encouraging me. My hand moved to stroke the soft skin of his inner thigh and then up to cup his balls.

"God, Bella," he hissed, his hips moved involuntarily toward me and I relaxed my mouth to allow him in deeper. My eyes met his again as I slid him the rest of the way in and his knees buckled for a moment before steadying. I moved my head, feeling his cock twitch against my tongue. My hand gripped him more forcefully at the base, determined to make him come.

"That feels so good," he whispered and his eyes fluttered closed for a moment. "I don't know how much longer I can last."

I pulled away long enough to say, "Don't. I want to feel you come in my mouth, I want to taste you."

He whimpered, eyes full of lust and I engulfed him again, sucking, licking, stroking; anything to make him lose control. His hands gripped my head and held me in place as he came. The groan that left his mouth was almost savage. When he finished, I licked him lightly as I pulled my mouth from his cock. He sank to the floor beside me and we sat there for a moment in silence. He pulled me close, guiding my head to rest on his shoulder. He leaned down to kiss the top of my head.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

The shower was still warm and he yawned. "You wore me out woman."

I laughed. "Sorry."

"Oh I'm not." He stood up and tugged me to my feet. He washed my skin, stroking gently over it with a loofah. I purred contentedly, leaning into his touch, trying to memorize the feel of his skin against mine. When we were finished with the shower and my hair was combed we went back into his bedroom. I avoided looking at the suitcases stacked in the corner, I didn't want to think about him leaving. I crawled into bed beside him, not bothering to put on pajamas. I needed to feel his bare skin against mine. The only thing I put on was the necklace he gave me and as I lay in his arms trying to not cry myself to sleep I wondered if it was the last night we'd have together.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think of Edward getting possessive, and did you understand Bella's struggle with it?
> 
> -Do you think they'll confess their feelings before he leaves the next day?
> 
> -How do you think they'll handle the distance?


	30. I Don't Have Anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another chapter that has a fantastic song to listen to while you read. Once again, VAST says far more than I ever could.
> 
> As usual, remove the parenthesis.
> 
> http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihvkJdkzhKc

**Chapter Thirty: I Don't Have Anything**

I stood on mountaintops

That overlooked the world

I can't find anything

Except a void inside

I went to places where

I could forget your name

I can't find anything

Except a void inside

I don't have anything

Because I don't have you

I don't have anything

What can I buy to make

The sky turn blue again

Where can I go to feel

Like I'm alive again

Show me the places

Where I can forget your name

I can't find anything

Except a void inside

I don't have anything

Because I don't have you

I don't have anything

I've been stripped of everything

Except some flesh that bleeds

And I've been robbed of everything

Except a soul, except a soul

That needs...you, sweet you

I don't have anything

Because I don't have you

I don't have anything

-"I Don't Have Anything" by VAST

* * *

I awoke in the middle of the night panicking and sat bolt upright. I'd had a dream that Edward was already gone and hadn't said goodbye to me. My heart thudded in my chest and I pressed my hand over it and took a few deep breaths to try to calm myself.

"What's wrong?" a sleepy voice whispered.

"Bad dream."

His hand came up to smooth over the bare skin of my back and he sat up beside me. "You want to talk about it?"

I shook my head and lay back down, drawing him down beside me. "No, just hold me."

His arms wrapped around me and he rolled us over so I was partially on top of him. I buried my head in his shoulder and breathed deep. His scent was always reassuring; it was exactly what I needed.

"You okay?"

"I will be."

"Okay." He tilted my head to kiss me gently and then he moved his head just a little, his nose rubbing softly against mine. "Tell me what to do."

"Just this."

" 'Kay." He gathered up my hair and moved it out of the way so his hand could sweep down my back to my waist and then back up.

I fell back to sleep before I even realized it and was still in his arms when we awoke in the morning. I was frustrated that I'd fallen asleep, wanting more time with him. I felt my eyes start to sting with tears at the thought of him being gone.

"Happy New Year," I whispered, too afraid to speak any louder for fear he'd hear how close I was to tears. He opened his eyes briefly and closed them again.

"If I don't wake up then it means that I don't have to leave."

I chuckled softly despite my sadness. "I'm not sure that's how it works."

I propped myself up on my elbow and kissed his closed eyelids. His lips curved up into a sad smile. "You don't think I can will it to happen?"

"No. Even you couldn't pull that off. You are human, Edward."

"Being human is overrated."

I laughed although it was almost painful. "Yeah sometimes it really is."

"Although I like this part, being with you." He turned to face me and I reached up to play with his hair. "This is a good part of being human."

"Definitely."

"Remind me, why am I going to Italy again?"

"Because it's an amazing opportunity."

"Damn. I really wish it wasn't. I'd cancel and say screw the money I'd lose." He sounded almost angry, and I understood his frustration. We were at a crossroads and his trip Italy was forcing us in a direction that neither of us wanted to go.

"You need to go," I reminded him softly. "I don't want you to. But you do need to go."

"I know I do. Composing in Italy is a dream. And last year when I applied for the program I was really excited. But that was before things were going so well."

"For the band?"

He shook his head dismissively. "No, I don't give a shit about the band right now. I mean going so well for us. At least I think they are."

"If you haven't noticed, I'm quite happy, yes."

"Me too. I really like being with you, Bella." He opened his eyes and they were intense, burning into mine, like green fire. It was as if he was trying to tell me something that he couldn't seem to put into words. _Please Edward, please, tell me you love me_ , I thought desperately.

"I like being with you too." I gripped his hand in mine, willing him to see what I felt for him.

I desperately wanted to tell him that I loved him. But I was still terrified. I believed that he loved me, but if I said something, and I was wrong about his feelings, I ran the risk of losing him completely. And with him leaving in just a few short hours, if I was wrong, I had no way of working things out with him. So I bit my tongue, and I promised myself I'd work up the courage to say it when he got back.

He pushed me gently onto my back and thrust inside me without another word. His teeth sank into the soft skin behind my ear. I gasped and wound my legs around his hips. He sucked and nipped with his teeth, and I knew there would be a mark there. I wanted it, wanted a reminder of him to carry with me after he left.

"Mark me," I whispered and he groaned against my neck, his teeth still biting at my skin.

"You have no idea what it does to me to hear you say that," he growled in my ear.

I arched my back and my hard nipples dragged across his chest. He slipped a hand down behind me pull me closer while he thrust into me.

"Fuck, you feel so good. How am I going to handle being without you?" he said, sounding broken and miserable.

"Shh," I whispered. "Don't."

He looked into my eyes and then nodded once before dropping his head to kiss me. It was a slow, achingly tender kiss. His lips captured mine, gently nibbling at them before his tongue slid out to stroke mine.

"I need you deeper," I whispered.

It was intimate, the soft whispering instructions we kept giving each other. He sat up long enough to lift my legs until they were spread wide and hooked over his arms. I was going to be sore as hell the next day, but I needed to feel him inside of me. When he thrust into me again I gasped.

"Too deep?" He paused, worried that he'd hurt me.

"No, it's good," I moaned.

He moved again, deeply and evenly thrusting into me at a rhythm that sent me into a frenzy. I grasped at his back, my hands sliding on his sweat slicked skin as I came, clenching around him. My name spilled from his lips and he panted before lowering my legs and collapsing onto me with what sounded more like sob than a pleasured groan. I stroked his hair and for once he didn't roll off of me. I held him close while he breathed hard against me. Eventually he lifted his head and looked at me sadly.

"There are no words to tell you how much I'm going to miss being with you," he finally whispered.

"I know. I feel it too." I ran my fingertips across his cheek and he turned to kiss them.

"Don't hate me for leaving."

"Edward, I could never hate you. You're doing this because it's a great opportunity. I'm glad you're going, for your sake. I'll miss you, god, it's going to be hell but it's so important that you go."

"I know. Fuck, I know."

"If I had the same opportunity, you'd be telling me to go."

The corner of his mouth lifted in a wry smile. "Yeah, I would."

"We'll make it work," I promised and he nodded once before burying his head in my hair and rolling me on top of him.

We lay like that for a long time, my body rising and falling with his deep measured breaths. I felt when he turned his head to look at the clock and sighed. It was time. We unwound our bodies and stood up to get dressed. Neither of us spoke and he found every opportunity to brush against me or touch me in some way while we got ready. I would have laughed when he hooked my bra for me, except for the heaviness weighing down my heart. I closed my eyes with pleasure when he brushed his lips over the back of my neck. I pressed a kiss right over his heart before I buttoned the dark blue shirt he had slipped on, smoothing the collar and straightening the cuffs. I stared at him in the mirror while we brushed our teeth, noticing the way his hand shook slightly and he took deep breaths. It was reassuring to know that this clearly was not one sided. He was just as upset about leaving as I was about him being gone. _Say something, Bella, just say it,_ I mentally begged myself. Nothing came out.

We were both ready well before the time he needed to leave. We stood in the middle of his room, my head on his shoulder, his cheek resting against my hair, our arms locked around each other's waists. Neither of us spoke.

With a final glance at the clock he sighed and broke the silence. "You promised me something before I left."

"I did?" I asked hoarsely. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Your sweatshirt." He gestured to the one I was wearing and I smiled before pulling it off and handing it to him. I kissed him lightly on the lips and he reached for a sweatshirt he had draped over the chair. I hugged it close, and then slipped it on, enveloped in his scent.

"Thank you." His voice was raspy. _Don't let him leave, tell him to stay_. The voice in my head crowded out all other thoughts but I couldn't make myself do it. I knew Edward too well, if I begged him to stay, he would. But I couldn't live with him giving up that kind of opportunity for me. _Then tell him you love him at least._ I opened my mouth but the words froze in my throat.

The air in the room felt heavy and I breathed shallowly, trying to ease the tightness in my chest. Unable to speak I merely nodded.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What are you sorry about?"

"I'm sorry I'm leaving."

I nodded and stepped forward again, burying my face against his chest. I knew if I spoke again I'd break down in tears. His arms wrapped around me and we stood like that until we heard a knock on the door.

"Ready to head out Edward?" Jasper called.

He cleared his throat and answered.

"Yep, just give me a sec."

He took my chin in his hand and tilted it up. He kissed me, deeply and thoroughly, as if his mouth was memorizing mine. Without another word he squeezed me tight and let go to grab his two large suitcases. I followed him down the stairs, blinking away the tears gathering there.

Everyone hugged him goodbye and he turned to me last. I could see him swallow, the Adam's

apple bobbing in his throat. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close, his arms so tight around me they were nearly bruising, his face buried in my hair. He whispered my name and I breathed in his scent for the last time. He pulled back just far enough to brush his lips over mine and look at me for a moment. His eyes were an impossibly beautiful shade of green and my fingers tightened on the back of his shirt. I took a deep breath and kissed him goodbye, I had to swallow hard to fight back the tears that started to form. I unclenched my fingers and he took a step away, letting his arms fall to his sides. Jasper was already in the car waiting for him and he slowly got into the passenger seat. I watched the car pull away and his eyes stayed on mine until it disappeared around the corner.

Alice took my hand and squeezed it before gently tugging me into her car. I spent most of the ride back to Forks staring blankly out the window, clutching the necklace he had given me. I didn't even realize it at first but there were tears trickling down my face. Alice was uncharacteristically silent, for which I was incredibly grateful. It really hit me then, that he was gone. That it would be May before I saw him again. I think somewhere, hidden in the back of my mind I had hoped for a last minute confession. For him to turn to me and say, "I love you Bella, and I can't leave you."

But that was stupid and childish, no matter how desperately I wanted it. I had as much of a chance to tell him how I felt, and I had squandered that opportunity. And I couldn't expect him to throw away an incredible opportunity just because we were going to miss each other. It wasn't fair of me. I knew that, but it didn't make it any easier.

I slipped my hands in to the pockets of his sweatshirt, trying to warm up. I felt cold, but I knew it didn't have a thing to do with the icy air outside the car. I felt a small piece of paper in the right pocket and I pulled it out, glancing at it curiously. My name was written on one side and I unfolded it. It was written in Edward's neat handwriting, and all it said was, 'I miss you already'. I clenched it tightly in my fingers before tucking it back safely in the pocket again. I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead against them. I sobbed quietly most of the way home and Alice merely pressed a warm hand to the back of my head to let me know she understood.

I pulled myself together when we got back into town, and was happy to see Charlie's cruiser parked at the station. I went home to an empty house and curled up in my bed, holding Edward's sweatshirt to my chest. I slept for several hours and when I awoke I was groggy, but I finally didn't feel like I was going to burst into tears at any moment. I splashed some cool water on my face and went downstairs to fix dinner. I lost myself in the task of cooking chicken and dumplings, one of Charlie's favorite recipes. He grinned appreciatively when he saw it, and thanked me profusely. He didn't comment on my silence at the dinner table. We ate our dinner and he ended up in his recliner watching tv while I settled on the couch with a book. I wasn't in the mood for conversation but his presence was comforting. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up some time later to Charlie carrying me up the stairs to my bed.

"What happened?" I asked, groggy and disoriented.

"You fell asleep reading."

"You could have left me on the couch, or woken me up," I protested.

"Let your old man take care of you a little longer."

He smiled at me and carefully set me on my bed. I pulled the covers up over myself and didn't bother to change out of my yoga pants and long sleeve shirt. If he noticed Edward's sweatshirt in my bed, he didn't comment. He kissed my forehead and closed my bedroom door with a murmured goodnight. Charlie wasn't always the most involved guy when it came to parenting, but just when I needed him most he seemed to know just what would help, without me even having to ask.

**~BC~**

In the morning I checked my email to find a brief note from Edward.

Bella,

I made it here safely. The flight was uneventful and I'm trying to get settled in. I miss you so much. I'd rather be home.

Edward

I took a deep breath, fighting back the tears, and quickly replied before forcing myself to go downstairs to make breakfast. Charlie and I ate together and he groaned when he pushed back from the table after eating several heaping plates.

"You spoil me Bella."

I had made buttermilk waffles with strawberries and sausage, another of his favorites. He mock frowned at me.

"Trying to butter me up for something?"

I laughed, for what felt like the first time in days.

"No, just enjoying being in the kitchen again." I didn't tell him that it had mostly been because I desperately needed a distraction.

"You can come home to visit, any time."

I laughed again. "As long as I cook, right?"

"Nah, even if you don't."

His mustache twitched and I could see him trying to hide a smile. Impulsively, I leaned over to hug him and he looked surprised, but hugged me back.

"What was that for?"

"It just feels good to be home," I admitted.

"Are you happy at school?"

"Very. I really like it there."

"Good. Just know you can always come home if you need to. No matter what."

"Thanks dad."

**~BC~**

The next day Rosalie and I met at Alice's house for a sleepover. It had become tradition for us. It was kind of silly now that we were in college, but it was fun. We lounged around in pajamas and ate junk food at two in the morning and did makeovers and talked about boys. It was girly for sure, but also immensely satisfying. The grown up responsibilities of school and jobs and relationships melted away and we were twelve-year-olds again. Alice's parents rolled their eyes and tried to ignore our excited chatter. I knew they liked having us there. With Alice gone, their home was empty and I knew they were having a hard time with that. How they managed to sleep through us laughing hysterically at all hours of the night was beyond me, but I was glad we could continue the tradition. I was especially grateful this year since Rosalie was back. I still felt drained and subdued, but they did their best to coax me out of my wallowing.

We were sprawled on the floor in Alice's bedroom, Alice was painting Rosalie's toes and I was giving Alice a foot massage.

"So how are things now that you're back?" Alice asked Rose.

"Oh, pretty good. I like my apartment, it's not bad. And I'm looking forward to starting classes in January."

"What are you even studying?" I asked, realizing I had absolutely no idea what classes she'd taken in New York.

"Well, it's pretty much just gen eds right now, but I'm hoping I can get back on track and get into the criminal justice program, and eventually go to law school."

"Wow."

"Yeah. It's all going to depend on how this semester goes though. I really fucked up last semester."

"What do you mean?"

"I almost failed out," she said matter-of -factly.

"Oh wow. I didn't realize it was that bad."

She sighed. "It was bad. Really bad. I pretty much skipped all of my classes. It was amazing I even passed. I was out every night partying."

"What did you do?"

"Out clubbing most of the time. I drank a lot, to the point of blacking out on a fairly regular basis. I tried coke a couple of times too." Alice and I both gasped and she looked chagrined. "I know, not the smartest thing. Particularly because I was doing it with people I didn't really know or trust."

"I'm so glad you made it back here okay." Alice hugged her.

"Yeah, me too," I said. "I mean, I'm just really glad nothing worse happened."

She sighed. "Yeah, it was a whole hell of a lot of stupid decisions."

"So it was the night you ended up in the ER that got you out of it?" I asked.

"Yeah. That and Emmett. He flew out right after that and when he saw me he almost started crying. He told me that I was still beautiful but for me I looked like shit and he refused to let me destroy myself. I'd pretty much already made up my mind that I needed to get my ass back to Washington, but seeing him so upset by it really made it sink in."

"What else did he say?"

"It wasn't even so much what he said as what he did. He was exhausted from flying but the minute he walked in the door he hugged me and told me he was going to take care of me. Remind me how I needed to treat myself. He ran me a bath, and then carried me to bed and held me all night while I sobbed and told him what a horrible person I was."

"Oh Rose." I put my hand on her arm and she smiled faintly at me.

"I know."

"What did he say?"

"He said I wasn't a horrible person, I just needed to remember who I was, and that there were a lot of people out there who cared about me and who missed me."

"Then what?"

She frowned. "I tried to seduce him."

"Tried?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, he told me no. Which of course made me freak out that I wasn't attractive or something. But he calmed me down and told me that there was nothing he wanted than to make love to me. Which freaked me out even more. But he said he wouldn't do it until I was back in Washington and ready to stand on my own two feet."

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know."

"So when did you...?"

"Make love?" Rosalie made a face and then laughed. "The idea still makes me uncomfortable. I'm still way more okay with the idea of fucking. But it is different and I have to admit, it's better than anything else I've ever had with anyone else I ever slept with before."

"So when was it?"

"Oh, right before Christmas. After Edward and Jasper went home for the holidays."

"Was it romantic?"

"Very."

"Oooh, tell." Alice grinned at her, hoping for some juicy details.

"We had the house to ourselves. He took me up to his room and it was such the romantic cliché, candles and rose petals and strawberries dipped in chocolate. But the way he looked at me..." she shivered, "god, it was just so...different. And he took my clothes off really slowly and gave me a massage and just...worshiped every single inch of me. That night was so slow and perfect."

"Wow."

"It was amazing," she admitted but then a wicked little grin lit up her face. "And the next morning I woke him up with a blow job and he fucked me in about sixteen different positions. We tend to switch it up, but it's always mind-blowing one way or another."

"How are things with Emmett now?" Alice asked.

"Great." She nearly glowed with happiness, I'd never seen her like that before.

"I'm so happy for you," Alice squealed and hugged her.

"Thanks." Rosalie smiled and hugged her back. It made me so happy to see things falling into place again, although without Edward, even my joy at having Rosalie back was diminished.

Alice sighed and stood up. "I should go take a shower though. Don't eat all of the lime tortilla chips before I get back, okay?"

Rosalie grinned at Alice and stuck one in her mouth. "You better shower fast…"

Alice ran off to shower and Rosalie and I sat there quietly for a few minutes.

Eventually I asked her, "I am curious. What made you change your mind about Emmett?"

She smiled, and it was soft and almost tender, a look I'd never seen on her before. "I don't know that it was one thing specific thing. He was just…so Emmett. Calm, steadfast, uncomplicated. And I don't mean that he's lacking complexity, just that he's very straight-forward. What you see is what you get. I was able to get rid of the bullshit I put up around guys and I could be exactly who I am because he's the same way. It was nice." She looked down at the ground and I saw the small smile still playing on her lips. "He's just…exactly what I needed."

"How serious is this Rosie?"

When she looked up at me her eyes were so full of happiness I gasped. "It's everything Bella. He made me change my mind about everything. Marriage and babies and a white picket fence. I want that with him."

"Wow." I was stunned.

"Not yet, I still have a lot of bullshit I need to get figure out, and I'm nowhere near ready for any of it. I want to finish school and get a career established, but someday…yeah. I want that. And his family Bella…" Her voice trailed off.

"You've met his family?"

"Yeah, they're amazing, I spent Christmas with them. I want his parents' relationship. They are still so madly in love after 28 years of being married…it's just…it's so different for me to see that."

"I can imagine," I said softly. "I'm really happy for you Rosie. It almost killed me when you left and were still pissed at me, but if it had to happen for you to end up with Emmett, it was worth it."

She hugged me, which was rare. She was normally much more physically reserved than Alice or I. She seemed softer now, like the brittle shell she normally wrapped herself in had worn away. "Thank you Bella. And I'm sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am."

"I'm sorry too."

She nodded, acknowledging my part in it, because I wasn't completely blameless. She might have overreacted, but I should have known Rosalie well enough to realize just how jealous and irrational she could be. If I hadn't been so blinded by Edward I might have seen the consequences. I might have seen that she was miserable and struggling and didn't know how to ask for help. Having cleared the air we could move on. I smiled, feeling lighter all of a sudden.

If it weren't for the fact that Edward was gone, life would be pretty close to perfect.

"How are you holding up?" Rosalie said quietly.

I swallowed hard before I replied, "I'm okay I guess."

"Really?"

I shook my head no.

"Oh hun." Her arms went around me and I broke down in tears on her shoulder. "You're in love with him aren't you?"

I nodded yes. "It's gonna be okay, I promise."

"How?" I managed to choke out.

"I would swear he's in love with you too. Watching you two at New Years…Bella he's nuts about you. I know he is. And it just about broke his heart to leave. Just hang on to that until he gets home okay?"

"I'll try." I sniffled against her shirt.

"'Kay. You ready to go to sleep?"

I nodded and she helped me up into Alice's bed, curling up beside me with her arm around my waist. I drifted into sleep and only woke up enough to hear Alice come back into the room.

"Is she okay?" Alice asked Rosalie.

"Just having a rough night."

"Edward?"

"Yeah."

Alice crawled into bed on my other side and took my hand in hers, squeezing it hard before she kissed my temple. "It's going to be okay Bella. I promise."

With Alice and Rosalie on either side of me I fell into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? It was pretty brutal to write.
> 
> I don't have any specific questions for the end of the chapter, I'd just like to know what you thought of him leaving and the way they said goodbye.


	31. Claire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my mind this has always been the beginning of the second part of the story. The first paragraph is a brief intro to that section.
> 
> Claire is based on a real person. Someone I cared about very much. I tried to find a name that suited the actual girl and Claire was what stuck. She has no connection to the Claire in the story as written by S.M. This Claire is entirely from my memory.

**Chapter Thirty One: Claire**

Treat me wrong honey I don't care

You never liked much anyway

You told me meet you about half past eight

You said you'd kill me if I was late Claire

Oh Claire

You drove me up and down the street

You used me up like gasoline

I still remember everything you said

That's the reason had to stay away from Claire

Oh Claire

Oh Claire

You know what that's funny you know

I don't miss you at all not even a little you bitch

I still love ya

I still remember seeing you sleep all twisted up inside the sheets

And I still remember everything you said

Every time I hear your name Claire

Oh Claire

Oh Claire

Claire

-"Claire" by Morphine

* * *

Later, I'd wish that the distance between Seattle and Rome was the biggest hurdle Edward and I had to face. But it was coupled with our inability to admit our feelings. And even more difficult was the fact that I met someone else. No one was more surprised than I was when I realized I was falling for a girl. She was beautiful, outgoing, and brilliant. Sometimes I wondered if I'd known how it would all play out, if I would have gone about it differently, held myself back, not gotten to know her. But she wasn't just a fling, or an experiment. I cared for her deeply. And I learned more about myself from her than I had with anyone but Edward; meeting her shook me to my very core. Her name was Claire and when it was all over I felt like she'd turned my life upside down. It started out innocently enough of course. It always did.

**~BC~**

I should have been excited, or at least nervous about new classes starting, but I couldn't seem to muster up the energy for it. I knew I was depressed and feeling lonely. I felt off-kilter with Edward gone, like the planet I'd been orbiting around had suddenly disappeared. It left me shaken and unsure of where I stood.

Late Sunday night I came back to the dorm after break, my arms laden with suitcases and shopping bags. I hauled my bags up the stairs, wondering where on earth I was going to fit everything. Charlie and Alice had both gone overboard with gifts this year. The ones from

Alice were of course clothes and accessories. Some she'd bought, but this year a lot of them she had made herself and I was really impressed with her handiwork. My closet was already bursting with clothes, most of them from Alice, and I decided I probably ought to donate at least some of the older ones to the local Goodwill. After making several trips I collapsed on the floor and started sorting through my closet. I filled several bags with clothes and set them aside before I started unpacking. I was completely focused on what I was doing and didn't notice the person at the door.

"Excuse me?" I heard a voice behind me and I whirled around to see who was there. It was a girl, about my age, and she was standing in the open doorway. She was beautiful. Her hair was long and straight - it was a warm honey color - and her skin had a golden tone, even in the middle of winter, although her skin wasn't much darker than mine. Her eyes were unusual, a light greenish brown color. She was about my height, maybe an inch or so taller, with a lean, athletic body. She smiled at me and I realized I'd been staring.

"Sorry to startle you, I'm Claire Newton." She held out her hand and I took it, slightly dazed feeling.

"Bella Swan." I let my hand drop to my side.

"I just moved in next door, I'm in 403 with Julie."

"Oh, Alicia moved out?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah, I guess she moved into another dorm with a friend of hers."

"Oh, I thought she and Julie got along."

"She and Julie got along fine. But she wanted to live with a friend and I couldn't stand my roommate, so we swapped things around at semester break."

"How do you know Julie?"

"We have a couple of classes together. Japanese."

"You're studying Japanese?" I was intrigued.

"It's my minor. Well, double minor, Japanese language and history."

"Wow. What's your major?"

"Mechanical engineering."

"Wow. I…wow."

She laughed. "I know, I'm crazy for trying to do it all, right? I just love both and I know the language studies will help me as an engineer, and I figure that if I know the history I'll understand the culture better. I'd like to move to Japan and work, even if it's just for a while."

"That's amazing. I'm definitely impressed."

"So what are you going into? Do you know?"

"I want to be an editor someday."

"Books?"

"Yes." I smiled at the reminder of the conversation Edward and I had almost a year before.

"Sorry, I just realized I'm being rude. Would you like to come in and have a seat?" She was still standing in the doorway to my room, leaning against the doorjamb.

"I can't," she said. "I was actually just popping over here to see if you had a staple gun."

"A staple gun? That's…random."

She laughed. "I know. We're trying to cover these god awful brown vinyl desk chairs we bought for the room. They're actually really nice chairs, but they're a little 1974-ish for my taste."

"Sorry. No, I don't have one," I paused, "but I bet I know someone who does. She lives down the hall a little ways. C'mon."

I shut the door behind us and walked to Alice's room. She answered after several knocks and she looked disheveled. "Oh hey, Bella. Could I talk to you later? Jasper's over."

"Sorry, Alice, but I just need to ask you a quick question. Do you have a staple gun? It's for Claire, she just moved in next door to me." I gestured toward Claire and Alice smiled at her.

"A staple gun? Definitely." She opened the door a little further and I saw Jasper sprawled on the couch. He sat up and straightened his clothing too. I felt bad interrupting them, but since Alice had what Claire needed, I hated to make her wait a few hours until the two of them were finally decent. Alice dug through her giant tote of supplies and triumphantly pulled one out.

"What do you need this for, Claire?" Alice asked.

"Re-covering some chairs we bought," she said.

"Oh, would you like a glue gun too? It might help with those tricky spots." Alice rummaged in the tote again and handed her one. "Here you go."

Claire looked amused. "Thank you, that's so generous."

"No problem." Alice beamed at her.

"It was nice meeting you, Alice," Claire said. "Sorry for interrupting."

"Oh my gosh, I never introduced you to Jasper. Claire, this is my boyfriend Jasper."

"Nice to meet you, Jasper," she said. Jasper stood up to shake her hand and we left after making small talk for a few minutes.

Once the door had closed Claire said, "I feel bad interrupting them."

I laughed. "It's fine. They were together all weekend; it's not like they haven't seen each other in months."

"He's really hot," Claire said quietly as we walked down the hall.

I couldn't help but laugh. "I know."

She grinned. "He doesn't happen to have a brother does he? Or a friend who's as cute?"

I shook my head. "No brother. He is in a band with a few other very cute guys but they're sort of...taken though. Emmett is dating our friend Rosalie and I'm sort of seeing this guy Edward," I paused, "although it's…complicated."

She laughed. "I know how that goes. I have this thing for my brother's best friend but he's freaked out that my brother will be pissed if we date. So nothing has actually happened even though we both want it to."

"Ugh, that is a mess. There is a fourth guy in the band, Laurent. He's a little older than the rest of them though, I think he's in his late twenties. Cute though."

She laughed. "I should probably keep from making my life even more complicated than it already is. You'll have to introduce me to your Edward sometime though."

I smiled ruefully. "I'd love to, but he just left for Italy a few days ago. He's doing a study abroad this semester in Rome."

"Oh wow." She smiled sympathetically. "So how'd you meet?"

I realized we were standing in the hall outside of our rooms and I opened my door.

I laughed. "Well, that's a whole other long story. I really need to get my stuff unpacked and I'm sure you want to get back to your project. Why don't we get coffee sometime this week though and I'll tell you the whole thing from the beginning."

She smiled at me and her whole face lit up. "That sounds great, Bella. It was really nice to meet you."

"You too." She went back into her room and I did also. I was surprised by how well we had hit it off. I was friendly with most of the girls in the hall when we saw each other, but there were very few that I actually wanted to spend any time with. Claire seemed different though. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but we had really clicked for some reason. I had a smile on my face as I finished unpacking and I fell asleep easily that night.

**~BC~**

A few days later there was an email from Edward. I opened it eagerly, wanting to know how things were going for him.

Bella,

I discovered an incredible little café right near where I'm living and I think I'm officially addicted to espresso now. There is also a small market and I've been buying fresh bread and cheeses and fruit there. My roommate is driving me insane though, he is apparently a very picky eater and refuses to eat anything that isn't "American Food". I think he's found every fast food place in the city, and hasn't touched anything but that. I don't see much point in traveling without trying what the culture has to offer, but then again we seem to have absolutely nothing in common, so I don't know why I'm surprised. I haven't been spending much time in the dorms here anyway so if I can ignore him for the rest of the trip, we'll get along just fine.

I miss you. I swear I am going to lose my mind without you here. My dreams have been rather...explicit lately and have all been starring a certain gorgeous brunette. We're going to have to find some time this week to talk on the phone. I miss hearing your voice. I miss hearing you purr my name when you come. Shit, now I'm hard again. Damn it, this is getting ridiculous. You're half a world away and you're still turning me on. Anyway, I miss you and I hope you had a good first week back. I'll call you Sunday night, say 8pm your time?

-Edward

I was still staring at the email from Edward when someone knocked on my door. I opened it to find Claire there.

"Hey, Bella. Do you want to go out for coffee?"

"Oh, yeah, that would be great actually. I'm not really doing anything. Let me get my stuff and we can leave right away." I put on shoes and grabbed my jacket, bundling up tightly. We walked to a nearby coffee shop, chatting as we walked.

"Do you mind if I smoke?" she asked.

I shook my head. "No, not at all."

She pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her jacket and lit one.

"Are those cloves?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, want one?"

"No, I'm good, just curious."

"They don't bother you, do they?"

"Not at all. I like the smell, just never really liked smoking. I tried once but it just burned like hell."

She laughed. "Better for you not to, anyway."

"True. I like the smell of the cloves though."

"Mmm, yeah, me too. I hate regular cigarettes."

"I thought cloves were illegal now."

"Yeah, I bought a shit-load before the law went into effect, and I've been rationing them," she admitted. "Although I'm getting really low."

"Oh, that makes sense." We walked in silence for a moment. "How are your classes going?"

"Pretty well." Claire shrugged. "I'm having to juggle around my schedule some because they screwed up registration for one of my classes, it's a Japanese History class. They are supposed to give people who have it declared a major or minor priority, but someone screwed up, and it's full now, and I couldn't get in. Just a big mess. I got into another section, but it means swapping around two of my engineering classes. It's just a huge nightmare."

"Ugh. That's frustrating. I actually managed to get into everything I wanted, so I'm pretty happy about that."

"I bet."

We paused for a moment while we decided on our drinks. I had an early class the next day and I didn't want to be up all night wired on caffeine, so I ordered a chai latte. When I went to pay Claire protested, "No, let me get this, I owe you for hooking me up with Alice and her staple and glue guns. That was so incredibly helpful."

"Oh good. How did they turn out?" I tucked my wallet back into my purse and thanked her.

"That's really generous of you to pay; you don't have to, but it was nice."

"You're welcome." She smiled at me. "The chairs turned out great actually. Julie found this really amazing green fabric and they look about a thousand times better."

"I like green, it's one of my favorite colors," I said, and then blushed when I realized I was thinking of Edward's eyes.

She gave me a quizzical look. "Why did that embarrass you?"

"Oh, um. Edward's eyes are green sometimes," I admitted reaching for my cup of chai when the barista placed it in front of me. Claire's drink came just a moment later and we wandered toward a couple of comfy chairs in the corner.

"Just sometimes?" she asked, still looking a bit puzzled.

"Yeah, they're this odd shade. Sometimes they look really green, but other times they're more golden brown."

"Wow."

"I know." I shook my head.

"Do you have any pictures of him?"

"Yeah, I think I have a few on my phone actually." I reached for my purse and dug out my phone, scrolling through until I found some photos Alice had taken at my birthday. There was one of the three guys, arms slung around each other, laughing, another of just Edward, with his mind-melting crooked grin and hair that had been mussed by my fingers. There was another photograph of all of us who had gone to the club, taken by some random person Alice had strong-armed into photographing us. The final one was the two of us, Edward's arms were wrapped around my waist, holding me up because I hadn't been very steady on my feet. I could still remember the way his body felt against mine, and the feel of his warm breath on the back of my neck.

Claire laughed. "Geez, I don't think I'm hot enough to be friends with you. Damn. And

Edward...wow, I'm pretty sure he's the hottest guy I've ever seen."

I laughed at her comment. "Nah, you're gorgeous. I'm pretty sure _I'm_ not hot enough to be friends with them."

"Are you kidding me? You and Edward look amazing together."

I snorted. "I'm not even in his league, but thanks."

She rolled her eyes. "Don't even...you two look like you're meant to be together, trust me."

"Thanks." I smiled at her.

"So tell me the whole complicated story about how you guys met. I've been so curious."

I laughed. "Sure. Just be prepared, we might be here for a while."

I told her the entire story while we sipped our drinks and she listened attentively, asking questions and making encouraging comments. By the time I had finished I felt surprisingly comfortable. It was almost like I'd known her for years. I didn't make friends easily. I'd never really had to before - Alice and Rose were all I needed. But it was nice to talk to someone new and get an outside perspective on the whole situation. We had a lot in common, and we never struggled to find things to talk about it. Conversation flowed easily and more than once I found myself laughing until tears poured down my cheeks.

She told me about Mike and John's antics over the years. The entire summer that Claire was twelve they had been involved in a convoluted prank war that ended up with Mike covered in honey and feathers, and John having to get his head shaved because of a giant wad of gum in his hair.

I shook my head and laughed. "I can't even imagine. I'm an only child and I spent most of my time with Alice or Rose. Jake and the rest of the guys on the res were pretty crazy, but not that bad."

She laughed. "Honestly, it's amazing they survived. I think Mike broke his leg twice, and John almost drowned."

"I know how that goes though, I'm a complete klutz. I swear I broke or sprained something at least once a year." I made a face, remembering. "I fell down a set of stairs at this hotel we were at when Charlie took me to Disneyland. So I had to be wheeled around the park in a wheelchair and there were a bunch of rides I couldn't go on."

"How old were you?"

"Seven, I think."

"Oh wow, that must have sucked."

"Oh yeah. What about you?"

"Eh, I sprained a few toes." She shrugged. "I had a habit of running through the living room and cutting the corner too short. I kicked the leg of the couch and broke my toe a couple of times."

"Ouch." I winced. "That sounds painful."

She laughed. "Trust me, it is. There's nothing they can really do for it, so you just kind of have to wait for it to heal. I thought my mom was going to strangle me."

Eventually we realized we'd been sitting the coffee shop for hours and made our way back to the dorm before saying goodnight and promising to hang out again soon.

She turned to me just before she unlocked her door. "Hey, do you run at all?"

I looked at her quizzically. "Um, not unless I'm being chased by something."

She laughed. "I mean, I go jogging a couple of times a week and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me sometime."

"Oh. Uh, I'll probably be slow as hell and need to take a lot of breaks…"

She shrugged. "I just go out to stay in shape and clear my head."

"I'll give it a shot."

"Awesome. I usually run in the evenings, if that works for you. Just around campus, it's a safe route, even at night."

"Sure. How about tomorrow?"

"Awesome! I'll knock on your door at about seven, ok?"

"Sounds good. Night, Claire."

"Night, Bella."

**~BC~**

The running was interesting. I was slow, and rather awkward at first, but I kind of liked it.

"I can't believe you don't really work out at all. How the hell do you have that kind of body?" she asked.

"Uhh, luck?" I gasped. "Clearly I'm kind of out of shape though." My legs were burning and my chest was tight.

"Well, you look amazing."

"Thanks."

When we were nearing the dorms again Claire slowed to a fast walk and I gratefully followed her lead.

"So, would you be up for coming out with me again?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Once I recover."

She chuckled. "Your body will adjust. I promise, in a few weeks you'll feel great."

"I'll take your word for it," I gasped. I was still panting and felt like I was going to die. We finished with a walk to cool down and then stretched on the stairs leading up to the dorm. My muscles groaned in agony and I collapsed onto the floor when I got back to my room.

Claire laughed and went in her room to grab her shower tote. I eventually dragged myself off the floor and showered too, the hot water was soothing on my sore muscles. It did feel good to get exercise and although Alice had tried to convince me to do aerobics workouts with her I had always declined. I was nowhere near coordinated enough for that. The running was good though. If nothing else it might serve as a physical outlet since I clearly wasn't going to be having sex again until May, at least not with anyone but myself. I sighed in frustration. It was going to be a very long semester.

**~BC~**

A few days later Claire popped her head in my door.

"Hey, Bella."

"Hey, Claire, come in." She took a seat on the couch and I turned to face her in my desk chair.

"So, Mike and John are having a party at their place this weekend. Do you want to come? Feel free to bring Alice and her boyfriend if you want, or anyone else for that matter. The more the merrier."

"A party sounds good. Which night?"

"Friday."

"Ok, yeah, I can definitely make it and I'll talk to Alice and Jasper and Rose and Emmett about it."

"Great." She smiled happily at me. "It'll be nice to have you there. Mike always invites a ton of girls, and I can never really stand them. They're always really obnoxious. I think he just thinks they'll be an easy lay."

"Sounds like a nice guy," I said dryly.

She laughed. "He is actually. A complete hornball...but not a bad guy. He just likes to think of himself as a player."

"Has he ever been in a relationship?"

"A few. Nothing really long term, but yeah, if he met someone really great he has no problem settling down." She paused and gave me a look. "Why, are you interested?"

I laughed. "Uh, no. I'm sure he's great and all, but I have enough to deal with."

"That's good. I'd like to actually have some female friends who don't spend all their time flirting with him."

"I promise, no flirting with Mike."

She laughed. "Besides. I'm sure my brother's cute and all, but I don't think any girl I know would think he's hotter than Edward."

"I'm not sure any guy is hotter than Edward, except maybe Johnny Depp."

"Well, he is the exception to everything." She grinned at me and I laughed.

"So yeah, unless Johnny Depp shows up tomorrow, I'm still going to be completely wrapped up in Edward." I sighed, leaning back in my chair.

"How are you doing with the distance?"

"As well as can be expected I guess. It's frustrating, but I'll survive. I talked to him yesterday and it helped."

She winked at me. "I bet."

"That wasn't actually what I meant." I blushed. "Although that was good too."

"Had you guys ever done the phone sex thing before?"

"Yeah, last summer. And a couple of times this fall when we were both really busy. It is hard now though, knowing that it'll be another four or five months."

"I'm sure." She smiled sympathetically. "If it's any consolation it's been so long since I've had sex I'm pretty sure I've forgotten how to do it."

I laughed. "How long has it been?"

"Ugh, over a year. My ex boyfriend and I broke up a year ago December."

"I take it he wasn't anything too serious?"

"Not really. He was nice enough I guess, just nothing spectacular. We got along, but there wasn't that crazy chemistry you know?"

"Yeah. I know. Edward and I have more of that than we know what to do with. I've never felt it with anyone else."

"Me either. I mean, except with John. That's what makes it so frustrating."

"I bet."

"So no crazy high school love affairs?"

I snorted. "Hardly. I didn't date in high school."

"At all?"

"Well, I went out on a few really lame dates. You know, the kind with the awkward guy from English class who takes you to the movies and tries to grope you with sweaty hands."

She laughed. "I'm shocked."

"Why?"

"You're gorgeous."

I blushed. "Thanks."

"So you really hadn't fooled around or anything before Edward?"

"Not really. I mean, one of the guys I went on a date with, we kind of messed around a little. He

kissed me, and grabbed my boobs and attempted to stick his hand down my pants."

She laughed until tears poured down her cheeks. "Oh my god, Bella, that is too funny."

I made a face at her. "Thanks, Claire."

"No, I'm sorry." She wiped her eyes with her hand. "It's just _so_ bad. Did you even get any good kisses?"

"Not on the dates I went on. There were a couple of parties where I got dared to kiss people and one or two were decent. Actually, Rosalie is a great kisser."

"Yeah, my friend Jane is too. We made out at a party once, but she got all weird about it after."

"Oh that sucks."

"Yeah, it was really awkward for a while. She turned it into this huge deal and kept freaking out that I thought she was a lesbian and we didn't really talk for weeks."

"Oh wow."

"Yeah, it was a mess. But she started dating this guy and eventually got over it. I don't think our friendship was ever really the same though."

"Why do you think she freaked out so much?"

"I have my theories but I'm not really sure. Her family is pretty conservative, and I think maybe it really upset her that she might have an attraction to girls."

"Hmm, yeah, that makes sense. I mean, I understand why someone might have a hard time with it. Personally it never seemed like that big of a deal to me. Yeah, Rose is hot and I won't deny it turned me on, but nothing was going to happen because we've been friends for so long, you know?"

"Yeah, I agree. But it was a really big deal for Jane. And she absolutely freaked out at the idea that someone might label her as a lesbian."

"Well, if she's attracted to guys too, then she's bi."

"Yeah, although I don't know, I find that labels are just so limiting. I guess I never really worried about what I was or anything, I just don't get that hung up on putting myself into this little category. I mean, kissing Jane was hot, hotter than some of the guys I've been with. And I do find girls attractive, but I don't see much point in pigeonholing myself into some arbitrary category, you know?"

"That makes sense. I haven't really thought about it much. Obviously I find girls attractive but I never really thought about if that meant I was bi or whatever." I shrugged. "It's really never come up before."

Our conversation drifted in another direction but I couldn't help but think about it over the next couple of days. In the past I really hadn't considered my sexuality much, but I found myself thinking about Claire in a not just friendly way and wondered exactly what it meant.

All of a sudden the question loomed in front of me for the first time in my life. _Was I attracted to girls too?_ I wondered. Was it something more than a silly dare at a party or a way to tease a guy at a club? And how much did that matter? Was it something I really needed to know, or was it just a passing fancy? I had no answers to the questions swirling through my brain and as I spent sleepless nights wondering about it, the longing for Edward grew. I hated the distance, the loneliness, the desperate need for him. Without him as my anchor I felt adrift and confused, and I wanted him there to steer me in the right direction. I'd never felt so lost before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I focused on Claire quite a bit, but you will get far more of how Bella feels without Edward in the next chapter, so don't think that Bella is any less wrapped up in him. I needed to focus on Bella becoming friends with Claire.
> 
> -What did you think of Claire?
> 
> -I know this is an extraordinarily personal question, but if you feel like discussing it, have you ever been in Bella's place? Have you struggled with your sexuality? Was it easy for you? Or did you have to do a lot of soul searching about it?


	32. I Kissed a Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for this chapter is such a cliché but I couldn't resist!

**Chapter Thirty Two: I Kissed a Girl**

This was never the way I planned, not my intention

I got so brave, drink in hand, lost my discretion

It's not what I'm used to, just wanna try you on

I'm curious for you caught my attention

I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick

I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it

It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight

I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it

No, I don't even know your name, it doesn't matter

You're my experimental game, just human nature

It's not what good girls do, not how they should behave

My head gets so confused, hard to obey

I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick

I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it

It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight

I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it

Us girls we are so magical, soft skin, red lips, so kissable

Hard to resist, so touchable, too good to deny it

It ain't no big deal, it's innocent

I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chapstick

I kissed a girl just to try it, I hope my boyfriend don't mind it

It felt so wrong, it felt so right, don't mean I'm in love tonight

I kissed a girl and I liked it, I liked it

-"I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry

* * *

Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett enthusiastically agreed to come to the party at Mike's house and when I called Jessica to invite her, she squealed with excitement.

"I'd love to! I haven't seen you guys in forever."

"I know. How is it going?"

"Great. I love my classes and my roommate is awesome."

"Whatever happened with you and that guy Riley from my birthday?"

"Oh geez. We dated for a while. He was great, but he wanted something serious and I just wanted fun, you know? God, relationships are so complicated."

"Yeah, they are," I agreed, thinking about the position Edward and I were in.

"Shit, Bella, I'm running late, supposed to meet a study group at the library in twenty. Gotta go! See you Friday!"

"Bye Jess!" I chuckled as I hung up the phone. She was so perpetually bubbly. It was a little much sometimes, but I had missed her.

Friday night came quickly and before I knew it we found ourselves at the address Claire had given me. It was a typical student house, small and a little run down. I heard music coming from inside and there were people milling around on the lawn despite the cold. I knocked apprehensively, not sure if I should just go in or not. I was relieved when the door opened.

"Hey, Bella." Claire smiled at me as she opened the door to let us in, I'm so glad you made it."

"Me too. I brought some friends, hope you don't mind."

"No, not at all, that's awesome."

"This is Jessica, and Rosalie and Emmett. And you already met Alice and Jasper. Everyone, this is Claire." Everyone exchanged hellos and we followed Claire downstairs to the finished basement. It was packed with people and there was loud music playing. The room had been covered in strands of lights and inflatable plastic palm trees. The bar was covered in a grass skirt, and there seemed to be some sort of tiki theme going on.

"Wow," was all I could manage and Claire grinned at me.

"I know. Mike goes a little overboard, but the parties are a lot of fun." She grabbed my hand and pulled me through the crowd. "Let me introduce you to him." Mike was tall, probably around six feet and had blond spiky hair and bright blue eyes. He was cute, although a little too All-American Boy for me.

"Mike, this is my friend Bella." She made the introductions around the group and he winked at me and nearly swallowed his tongue when he saw Rosalie - but quickly turned to Jessica when Emmett thrust his hand at him. He blinked in surprise when he saw Jessica. She was wearing a deep v-neck pink shirt that I had to admit made her tits look spectacular. He quickly moved to her side and he leered down at her cleavage. She smiled at him and flirted, and I was happy to see his focus stayed on her. I shook my head in amusement and we all split off. Emmett and Rose went to the other side of the room to see if they could join a pool game, Alice dragged Jasper off to dance and Claire and I were left alone.

"Do you want a drink?" she asked.

"Sure."

"What do you want?"

"What is there?"

She laughed and tugged me behind the bar. "Pretty much anything you could ever want. Take a look."

There were shelves upon shelves of bottles of liquor and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. It gave new meaning to the term 'well-stocked bar.' I thought for a moment, kind of overwhelmed by my choices.

"Uh, gin and tonic I guess."

She fixed me one, and then made one for herself and we sipped them while we stood around talking. We talked for a while before we were interrupted by a loud crash upstairs.

"Oh god, I better go check that out." Claire set her drink down and hurried up the stairs. I laughed and wandered over to check out the pool game. Rosalie had been kicking ass and she proudly told me she'd made sixty bucks already. I laughed and shook my head at her. She was one hell of a pool player and constantly underestimated because of her looks. She went back to the game and Emmett and I leaned against the wall watching her play while we talked.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

"Okay."

"Miss him?"

"Of course." I leaned my head against Emmett's shoulder and he wrapped his arm around me.

"He misses you like crazy too."

"Really?"

Emmett chuckled. "He mentions it every time he talks to me. He likes the program but he'd drop it in a second."

"Because of me?"

"Yep. You must have a magic pussy or something cause that boy is hooked."

"Emmett." I smacked his stomach and his chest rumbled under my ear when he laughed.

"Just saying what I see."

"Perv."

"Mmhmm. Just the way Rosie likes me."

I glanced over at her and she was grinning at us. A warm feeling settled in my chest. It was so good to have her back and so happy with Emmett. And secure enough that she wasn't threatened by my proximity to Emmett.

"Yeah, pervy boys are good."

He chuckled. "Never thought I'd see Edward settle down, but if anyone could do it…can't say I'm surprised it's you."

I sighed, I didn't feel like arguing with Emmett about the fact that Edward and I really weren't anything official. "Hmm."

Rosalie sauntered up when the game finished. "Hitting on my man while yours is out of town, I see."

I grinned at her. "It's just so hard to resist Emmett."

She chuckled. "I did my best."

"Hey, there's plenty of me to go around," Emmett pointed out.

I stood up straight and whacked him in the stomach again. "So not interested."

Rosalie moved so she was standing between Emmett's legs. "And I don't share."

"Too bad Rosie…" I wiggled my fingers at her and walked off laughing. I was feeling slightly buzzed from the drink and happy. I had barely made it five feet away before a giggling ball of drunk Jessica threw herself at me.

"Oh my god Bella. Thank you so much for inviting me," Jessica gushed and threw her arms around me. "I think I have the hugest crush on Mike…" She stopped, and a horrified look crossed her face. "Oh my gosh, I don't know his last name."

"Newton."

"I have the hugest crush on Mike Newton. I am so going to marry him."

"Jess, you've known him for like forty five minutes. That might be rushing it."

She shook her head. "No, he's totally perfect for me…"

"Ok, Jess. How many drinks have you had?" I stared at her cup dubiously.

"Um, like…four maybe?"

"Four drinks in forty five minutes, ok…that could get bad. Let's go get you some water to drink before you have anything else."

She pouted but followed me over to the bar.

"Mike," I yelled. "Can you get Jessica some water?"

"Anything for you two hotties." He winked and handed a bottle over to me.

I shook my head and twisted off the cap. "Here, Jess, drink this."

"Ok." She grinned at me and spilled a little on her shirt. Before I could get her moving back

toward a couch Mike came over. "I'll keep an eye on her, Bella."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded. "I'm sure. I won't let her drink anything more until she sobers up a little."

I smiled at him gratefully. "Thanks."

Jessica wrapped her arms around Mike. "You're soooo nice to me, Mikey."

He grinned at her. "You're cute."

I rolled my eyes, although truthfully, they did seem perfect for each other. I turned around to go back to the other side of the room to talk to Rose and Alice, and I almost ran into Claire. I rocked back and nearly fell. She grabbed my arm to steady me and leaned toward me to say, "And how much have you been drinking?"

I laughed. "Sadly, not even a full glass. I'm just naturally like this." We were standing very close, the music was too loud to really talk comfortably, so we either had to shout, or lean in to hear each other.

"Do you want to go upstairs where it's a little quieter?" she asked.

I hesitated. "I should kind of keep an eye on Jess. Mike said he'd watch out for her, but..."

She nodded. "I understand. He really is a good guy though. She'll be safe with him. He talks big but he's actually a complete softy and he'd never take advantage of her." I glanced over and she was laughing with him and I saw him hand her some more water.

"Ok." I nodded and followed her upstairs. We sat in the deserted living room and I was grateful to get away from the noise. "I like going to parties," I said. "But sometimes…it's just a little overwhelming."

"I know." She laughed. "Especially Mike's parties. They're fun though."

"So where's John?" I asked.

"He had to go visit a friend out of town. He'll be back next week. I'd like for you to meet him."

"Yeah, I'd like to meet him, too."

"Have you talked to Edward much?"

"Just a couple of emails and the one phone call."

"That's not much is it?"

I sighed. "No not really. Not when we've talked almost every night for the past few months."

"Wow, you guys must be serious."

"That's the frustrating part. I don't know what we are. I know he cares about me, but he's never said anything about it going anywhere more serious. And I never know what to say. What if I tell him I'm in love with him and it freaks him out and he ends it? I'm just not ready to have that happen. I'd rather have him like this than not at all. It's just so fucked up. Our friends keep telling me he's in love with me, but why the hell won't he say it? And then I feel bad, because I could tell him too, but I haven't. Ugh."

"I wish I had some great advice, Bella, but I don't. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with John either. I swear Mike won't make that big of a deal about it, but John thinks he will. I just don't know how long I can go on like this."

"Has anything ever happened between you guys?"

"Sort of. I don't know. Last year we went camping and we were all drinking around the fire and everyone else went to sleep in the tents. And it was just the two of us…we walked down to the river and we kissed for a while."

"How was it?"

"Amazing. But he pulled away and said we shouldn't…"

"And that's it then?"

"No, we fooled around a little a few months later but again, he stopped because he felt guilty.

Ugh." She groaned. "This sucks."

"That has to be incredibly frustrating."

She grinned at me. "In more ways than one."

I laughed. "You sound like Edward. Uh, sorry, maybe that's weird. He's just always making innuendos. It's one of the things that I like about him. He can take the most innocent thing and make it sound dirty."

"It sounds like you guys have some amazing chemistry."

"We do. It just completely blows my mind that it's been seven months and it hasn't slowed down at all. I just figured one of us…well, mostly him, I figured that he would get bored after a little while decide to move on to someone else."

"He hasn't been with anyone else that whole time?"

"No."

"Wow."

"I know. But we don't have any kind of rules or anything. I mean, we agreed we'd tell each other, just because we haven't been using condoms when we're together. But we're totally free to be with someone else, as long as it's protected and we are upfront about it. If he meets some hot Italian chick there's nothing to stop him from going after her. "

"And what about you?"

"I doubt I'm going to meet any hot Italian chicks here in Seattle. Although I guess you never know," I joked.

She laughed. "I just meant if you met someone, what would you do?"

"Honestly, I have no clue." I shook my head. "I don't know. If I met someone I really hit it off

with…I guess I'd have to see how it went. At this point I don't think I could sleep with someone else just because I was attracted to them, but if it was more than that…maybe."

She nodded. "I know what you mean."

"Ugh, I don't even want to think about that actually. I don't need things to get any worse." I rubbed my forehead, my head was starting to hurt from even thinking about it.

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine. And it's actually really nice to have someone to talk to about this. As much as Rosalie says she's cool with it, it still makes me a little uncomfortable. And Alice is sweet, and she's always willing to listen, but she's never been in this kind of situation. She dated a few guys in high school, but it was nothing serious. And she's been with Jasper since."

"Well, you can talk to me any time you need to." Claire smiled at me.

"Thanks."

"Now, I think we need to get another drink…"

"Definitely," I agreed.

We went back downstairs and two drinks later I was feeling much better. Jessica was still happily giggling with Mike and drinking water, so I stopped worrying about her. Claire dragged me out to dance and I let loose. It had been a long time since I'd danced, and it felt great. "Pour Some Sugar on Me" came on and we both grinned. The combination of 80's music and a lot of alcohol was a dangerous combination. She spun around me laughing and her long hair whirled out behind her. She lightly grabbed my hip and pulled me a little closer. I spotted Alice across the room and gestured for her to come over. She mouthed the lyrics to me as she walked over and we both dissolved into hysterical giggles. I heard Claire laugh behind me and then press closer. It was fun, and I didn't feel so lonely when Claire was around. I spun to face her and lightly draped an arm around her neck. She shimmied down my body and back up again. I heard catcalls from around the room, one of which I was pretty sure was from Emmett. I tuned them out, focusing on her and the way she was making me feel. Her hand skimmed across my back and up under my shirt. The feeling of her hand against my bare skin startled me, but I didn't pull away. I licked my lips and I watched her eyes follow my tongue.

She whispered in my ear, "So, do you want to really give these guys a show?"

I wordlessly answered her by turning her around so her ass was tight against me. I swayed, guiding her hips with my hand. She put her hand up over her head and brought it back to cup mine. Her back arched and I rested my other hand on her waist. It was surprisingly easy to dance with her. I was startled when she grabbed my hand and guided it to rest just below her breast. My fingers kept brushing against it and I bit my lip, wanting to reach up and cup it. But for all I knew she was just putting on a show with me to get the guys riled up, it didn't mean she was really interested in me. But when she dipped a little I found my hand covering her round, full breast. I felt her nipples harden against my hand and I couldn't resist brushing against it to tease her.

She moaned and pushed into my hand and all of a sudden she turned and her lips crashed against mine. I felt her tongue, wet and hot, slide between my lips. Our tongues tangled, bodies pressed together until we pulled apart gasping for air. We were met with catcalls and whistles and I blushed, resting my forehead against hers.

"So embarrassed," I whispered.

I was drunk, but not drunk enough to be completely uninhibited. She grinned and pecked me on the lips before taking my hand and starting to dance again. The attention turned away from us and eventually the party started to disperse. I left with my friends, but not before a lingering hug from Claire and a kiss on the cheek.

No one commented on our little display until they dropped me off at the dorm. Rosalie got out of the car and grabbed my arm before I could head inside.

"So what's up with you and Claire?"

"What do you mean?" I looked at her, puzzled.

"I mean, there's clearly something going on."

"What are you talking about, Rosalie?"

"I mean, she's hot and it's obvious you're into her; are you planning on doing anything about it?"

I gaped at her. "What? No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it. We were just joking around."

Rosalie rolled her eyes at me, "Do you agree that she's hot?"

"Well yeah, but…"

"Ok, so we've established that she's hot. And she was just as into you as you were into her."

"We were just dancing, it didn't mean anything."

"I wouldn't call groping on the dance floor and making out just dancing, Bella," Rosalie said dryly.

I blushed. "We were just having fun."

"You're not morally opposed to hooking up with a girl are you?"

I snorted. "No. I just hadn't really thought about it much. Besides just a few weeks ago you were telling me to go after Edward."

"Well, he's in another country at the moment, and clearly neither of you has the balls to tell each other how you feel. I'm not saying you should give up on things with Edward, not at all. Just have some fun with Claire while he's gone."

I sighed. "I just feel weird about it."

"Just think about it, Bella. It won't kill you to consider it."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I'll think about it Rose."

I had intended to totally blow off the idea, but after our conversation I couldn't seem to get it out of my head. Claire was gorgeous and I couldn't deny that I was attracted to her, but I didn't know how I felt about that. I shook my head, I wasn't sober enough to think about it right then anyway, I decided. I'd worry about it later when I had a clear head.

I crawled into bed and fiddled with my phone, I hadn't talked to Edward in a few days and I missed him terribly. Suddenly my bed seemed very lonely. I tried to mentally calculate if he was up yet. What time was it in Italy? I decided to chance it, and I was happy when he answered on the second ring.

"Hey, Bella."

"Edward."

"I'm glad you called."

"Really?"

"Of course," he reassured me.

"I didn't wake you up then?"

"No, I've been up for a while. No big deal. What are you doing up so late?"

"I just got back from a party."

"Where'd you go?"

"Claire's brother's house."

He sounded puzzled. "Who is Claire? I don't think I've ever met her."

"Nope. She just moved into the room next door. We just hit it off really well."

"Oh, ok."

"Oh, you'll be happy, she took Alicia's spot. You won't have to deal with her hitting on you anymore."

"Thank god. I think I like Claire already."

"Claire's brother and his friend live just off campus and we went to a party at their place."

"Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, it was pretty good. Everyone came with me and we danced a lot. Claire is a great

dancer."

"Oh yeah?" he sounded amused.

"Yeah, I think we just about caused a riot."

"What were you doing?"

"Just dancing." I giggled. "Mostly dancing. She kissed me."

"I wish I'd seen that."

"You'd totally think she was hot."

"Claire?"

"Yep. She has this gorgeous long honey colored hair, and these amazing green eyes…I think you'd like the rest of her too." My voice dropped. Thinking about her while I was talking to Edward was making me feel very…frisky.

"She does sound hot."

"Just think if you were there too, dancing with both of us…"

"Definitely hot. Although I'm not sure how good I'd be at sharing you."

I laughed, not taking him seriously. "Like there's any competition."

"Hmm."

"Besides, it's not like you have any claim on me," I said teasingly.

His voice sounded strained all of a sudden, "That's true. I don't."

I realized I had somehow said the wrong thing and I tried to smooth it over. "But you don't have to worry about it, anyway. It was just fun." I suddenly wished I was sober, I was having a hard time piecing together my thoughts. Everything seemed fuzzy and difficult to grasp.

"Yeah." He sighed. "Look Bella, I think I should go. This probably isn't a conversation we should be having right now."

"Do you have to go?" I pouted. "I want to keep talking. I can change the subject…we can talk about what you'd do if you were here. Please."

He groaned. "You have no idea how badly I want to. But I can't right now. My roommate is here and I have to head to class in a little bit. I'll call you as soon as I get some time alone, though."

"Damn it. I'm so frustrated."

"Believe me gorgeous, I am too."

"Bye."

I tossed and turned before finally falling into a restless sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, shocked at the dream I'd had. In the dream Edward had been at the party as well. I'd found myself sandwiched between the two of them, moaning when Claire's tongue thrust against mine and Edward's hard cock rubbed against my ass. I'd tried to protest, telling them that everyone was watching, but Edward had whispered in my ear that they were gone and sure enough, all of a sudden we were alone. In the dream she'd worked my shirt up over my head and he'd slipped my skirt off. Just before I'd woken up Edward had been fucking me from behind as I'd licked Claire's very aroused pussy.

When I woke up I'd been unable to resist bringing myself to a quick orgasm thinking about them both. In the morning things seemed even less clear and I wondered what on earth I was getting myself into. I didn't regret what Claire and I had done at the party, but I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about it either.

I loved Edward, but there was no doubt that I was attracted to Claire and I had no idea what to do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think about Bella's first exploration of her attraction to Claire?
> 
> -What about Edward's reaction to her interest in Claire?
> 
> And just to clear up any lingering concerns, no, there won't be a threesome, the dream Bella had was just her mind trying to wrap around the idea that she was suddenly interested in both of them.
> 
> Don't worry, Rosalie isn't trying to break up Edward and Bella. In fact, she is a big champion of theirs. She does however know that Edward can get jealous and she knows that Bella's interest in someone else could push him to say something about his feelings for her. Right or wrong, she's doing it because she thinks it's for the best.


	33. It's About You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you guys are struggling with the Claire thing, bear with me, I promise it will all be worth it.
> 
> This chapter has less Claire and more Edward.

**Chapter Thirty Three: It's About You**

This ain't about the things I've done

Where I've been or what I won

Stand on your corner a thousand times

Lose what I got keep what I find

It's about you

It's about you

This ain't about the things you say

Or how you make me feel this way

Stand on your corner a thousand times

Lose what I got keep what I find

It's about you

It's about you

And when I get this feeling

It's hard for me to come back down

And when I get this feeling

It's hard for me to come back down

And I could be

That everything you need

And I know this could be

That free fall back to me

This ain't about the things I've done

Where I've been or what I won

Stand on your corner a thousand times

Lose what I got keep what I find

It's about you

It's about you

It's about you

It's about you

And when I get this feeling

It's hard for me to come back down

And when I get this feeling

It's hard for me

Cause I could be

That everything you need

And I know this could be

That free fall back to me

But keeping you ain't easy

With everyone that sees me

Telling me get back on the ground

It never could be easy

Instead of you just pleasing me

You're keeping me down

And I know this could be

That freefall

Come on jump to me

-"It's About You" by Train

* * *

A few days after the party Claire came to my room after dinner to ask if I wanted to hang out. I put down my reading and thanked her.

"I needed a break, I'm really glad you came by."

"No problem. Want to hang out in my room? I can show you some of the photos from my trip to Japan."

"That would be awesome."

We sprawled on the floor while she showed me the photos from her trip.

"It was just amazing." Her eyes glowed as I glanced over at her surreptitiously. "Mike and I had a great time."

"I think it's great that the two of you get along so well," I said.

"You're an only child right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, it's just me. My mom left when I was little."

"Oh. I'm sorry Bella."

She put her hand on my arm in sympathy. I could feel her skin, warm against mine.

"It's alright. You didn't know." I shrugged. "So tell me more about Mike."

"We're only eleven months apart in age," she said, "so we've always been close." He's a year behind me in school. He's a freshman this year."

"Oh, you're a sophomore? I hadn't realized that."

She nodded. "Yeah."

"So if Mike's a freshman, how did he get away with living off campus?"

"My dad's alumni and he pulled some strings. He owns Newton's Outfitters so he's kind of a big deal around here." She rolled her eyes. I hadn't realized that Claire's family owned the store, it was a common enough name and I had never put two and two together. "I like the dorms though," she continued. " I know a lot of people complain but I really don't mind them. And my scholarship pays for room and board, so I figured I might as well. Plus they're really convenient to the engineering buildings. I do have to walk to the other side of campus for Japanese though."

"I think it's so amazing that you've been there." I sighed. "I feel like everyone travels but me. Edward's in Italy...you've been to Japan."

She smiled at me. "You could do a study abroad or something. I'm sure there are tons of programs for English majors."

I nodded. "I'd have to see if my scholarship could be used for that, or if there were other ones out there. I know Charlie couldn't afford it otherwise. I was really happy to get the position at the library, even if it's just a few hours a week. I have the partial scholarship and Charlie saved for years for my tuition and everything, but I hate having ask him for spending money."

She nodded, "Yeah, my parents paid for the trip but I was really happy to get the scholarship for the rest of my undergrad. And I'll probably T.A. some classes. Grad school is going to be so expensive and I hate mooching off my parents until I'm done."

"I'm sure. So tell me more about Japan."

"It was just incredible. We flew into Tokyo, and we were there for two weeks. I thought Mike was going to have to drag me back onto the plane. I didn't want to leave." She laughed ruefully. "We went to museums, to a sumo tournament, and we toured some of the shrines. We met up with an exchange student I met last year and she took us to all sorts of places that aren't really known to tourists. We spent some time in all of the hip neighborhoods for fashion and shopped. It was just...incredible. I really want to go back in the spring to see the cherry blossoms." She laughed again. "Sorry, I can't seem to shut up about it."

I smiled. "No, I think it's great. How fluent are you in Japanese?"

"I'm ok I guess. I took a couple of years in high school and then I had a year here."

"Your high school offered Japanese? Forks High only offered two years of Spanish."

She laughed. "Well, it was a private school. They had a few more options."

"How hard was it to read signs or ask for directions?"

She shrugged. "It was a little scary at first. But I had a good guidebook and I found that most people were really friendly as long as you were trying to speak the language. And so many people there spoke English that it wasn't that hard."

"What was your favorite thing there?"

"The East Gardens in the Imperial Palace were amazing. I spent hours there."

We talked for hours, and it was nearly one a.m. before either of us looked at the clock.

"Ugh." I groaned when I finally did. "I need to get to bed. I have an early class tomorrow.

Claire wrinkled her nose. "I didn't realize how late it was, sorry."

"No, it's not your fault, I didn't either."

We both stood up and when Claire stretched I couldn't help but notice the sliver of smooth skin where her shirt rode up. I dragged my eyes away and smiled at her.

"I'll talk to you later, alright?"

"Yeah, let me know if you want to get dinner in the caf sometimes."

"Sure. I usually eat with Alice; do you want to join us?"

"Yeah, that would be great. I only eat there a couple times a week, and the rest of the time I eat at one of the other dorms near my evening classes."

"We usually head out around 6:30 or so; what nights do you eat here?"

"Tuesdays and Thursdays."

"Alright, we'll stop by then before we head down."

I moved toward the door and she smiled and waved.

"Have a good night, Bella."

"Night, Claire."

**~BC~**

Alice, Claire and I fell into an easy friendship with our dinners. We all got along well, and while it was different than being with Rosalie, it was nice. Rosalie was busy trying to get settled into school and with Emmett, so I didn't see her a lot, but just knowing that she was in the same city and not angry at me anymore helped. One night the four of us went out to dinner and I was a little bit apprehensive about how Rosalie and Claire would get along. They had met at the party but hadn't really spent any time talking. I had no doubts that their personalities would mesh well but I wasn't sure if Rosalie would be jealous of the new friendship Alice and I had made. Surprisingly, she and Claire seemed to get along really well. Apparently Rosalie had changed even more than I'd thought.

Claire and I went out running a few times a week and I found it surprisingly satisfying. I was still out of shape and my legs and lungs ached, but I did notice that I felt stronger. It was a bit of an adrenaline rush too and I found myself really looking forward to it. Edward wasn't there for me to vent to on a daily basis and to satisfy any pent up frustrations, so I poured it into running. I was still somewhat surprised by myself, never having been remotely athletic, and it was nice to know that I wasn't completely hopeless. Claire was talking about joining the crew team the following year, which is one of the reasons she'd started running. They had a list of fitness requirements a mile long that she had to be able to fulfill. She'd tried to talk me into joining with her but I'd laughed and declined.

"I'm sorry, but that just sounds like a terrible idea. Me in a boat trying to do something coordinated with other people while attempting to not fall in and drown? It's just a disaster waiting to happen."

"But you liked running, and you didn't expect to."

"I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. One physical activity at a time. Thanks."

She grinned and let it drop and we continued on our run like usual.

**~BC~**

Edward being gone wore on me. It felt strange to be without him, as if a part of my own body was missing. There was a dull, grey flatness to my days. I wasn't depressed exactly, but I didn't feel right without him either. I nearly called him several times, expecting him to be able to come over. Suddenly the drive from Port Angeles to Seattle didn't seem like such a distance. I would have driven it ten times over, in order to see him. Even if I had the money to do it, I was hardly about to hop on a plane to Italy. I wasn't sure if he even wanted me there. He said he did, but I suddenly found myself second-guessing things. I went back and forth, one day convinced that Edward was the love of my life, and cursing my own stupidity for not growing some fucking balls and telling him. And other days, I was completely sure that I was imagining things and that he'd find a girlfriend in Italy and come home saying, 'wait, Bella who?' It was ridiculous, I knew better, but the nagging voice wouldn't go away.

I had loved the routine we had of phone conversations and nights together and it was unsettling to have that disappear. We relied on emails instead, but they were cold and impersonal, no matter how hard we tried. I wondered if he understood what I was trying to say when I typed something. If he read it the way I intended without the proper inflection. If I didn't get an email, I panicked, sure that he was out with some other girl. I hated it. I knew better. But it didn't stop it from happening the next time. I finally understood why I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me. It would have been reassurance that he missed me, and that he was coming home to me.

Thankfully, I was busy with classes, although I found myself distracted and irritable. Alice and Rose teased me that it was the lack of sex. And while I knew that was probably part of it, there was more. I missed him, missed him in a way that was completely foreign and unexpected to me. More than I'd missed Rosalie when we were fighting and she was in New York, I realized guiltily. Edward had become important to me in a way I was barely beginning to understand.

I often thought about Claire, confused by my reaction to her. Somewhere in the back of my mind I had always known that there was an attraction to women. But feeling it for the first time - not as something vague and abstract, but real and immediate - was unsettling. I didn't feel ashamed, mostly guilty and conflicted about my feelings for her because of Edward. But there was something about her that I couldn't get out of my mind. Her scent lingered and I found myself thinking about her in bed at night, bringing myself to orgasm imagining her tongue lapping at my clit or my fingers buried in her pussy. The next morning I'd find myself blushing as we stood together in the bathroom brushing our teeth or when we bumped into each other in the hall.

I was obsessed; wanting to touch her, taste her. It was maddening and I felt on edge all of the time. Strangely, when we were together the anxiety disappeared and I was comfortable, even relaxed. There was still an undercurrent of desire there, a need, but for the most part I was able to push it aside and focus on being her friend. Because apart from the attraction and the curiosity, I liked her, I liked her a lot. I almost wished I wasn't attracted to her, and that I could only think of her as a friend. It would have simplified things so much.

The need mixed with the guilt until I was twisted up in knots. I didn't want to feel the way I did about her, I wasn't looking to replace Edward. But the attraction to her was undeniable. Everything felt off kilter, like my world had shifted on its axis and I was left scrambling to re-orient myself. It wasn't about loneliness, or even sexual gratification. But I had to know. I couldn't quite seem to put it into words, even in my own mind, but the desperation to understand my attraction to her had become all consuming.

After the awkward conversation I'd had with Edward the night of the party, I was relieved when things got back to normal between us. We talked on the phone some and he promised that soon he'd be able to video chat.

"As soon as I can get rid of my roommate for an hour I will. God, I need to see you," he moaned. "Even if it's just with the webcam."

"Do you want to watch me get off?" I teased him.

"You have no idea how much. I miss you so much."

"I miss you too."

**~BC~**

The next Friday Alice and Rose invited me to go out to the bar with them but I declined.

"I kind of have plans with Edward," I admitted and Rosalie hooted.

"Phone sex? You're coming along nicely, Bella."

I stuck my tongue out at her. "Webcam. Suck it bitch."

She kissed my cheek and grinned. "I am so proud of you. You're finally learning girly."

I flipped her off and headed back to my room. I was eager to get ready even though it was a while before he was supposed to message me. I debated what I should wear, not sure if I wanted to go all out with lingerie or something more subtle. I tried on half a dozen things before I finally made a decision. I was nervous with a strange fluttery feeling in my stomach when I settled onto my desk chair and got ready to chat with him. When I saw his face the nerves disappeared and I was just glad to see him.

"Hey gorgeous." His voice was low and throaty.

"Hey yourself. I've missed you," I admitted and he smiled faintly.

"Me too. I can't believe I actually managed to get some time alone here. I had to set my roommate up on a date with a girl in one of my classes."

"She's not your type?"

He shook his head. "Not really. Besides, I'm too busy lusting after a pretty little brunette back home."

I laughed and relaxed back in the chair.

"Alice?" I teased him. "Jasper is going to kick your ass."

He laughed loudly. "Nah, too short and hyper. I like my brunettes about 5'4" and devastatingly seductive."

"Hmm, I don't know where to find any of those."

"Think you could maybe fill in for her tonight?"

I sighed. "Well, if I have to."

He ran his hand through his hair and I wanted to be the one doing it. I ached to be able to touch him.

"What exactly did you want your brunette to do for you?"

"I really wanted to see her clothes on the floor. What are you wearing by the way?"

I stood up and stepped back from the computer. I heard him groan and I smiled. Apparently it had been the right choice. One of the Christmas gifts from Alice had been a navy blue satin camisole and thong.

"God, Bella, you look amazing."

I smiled at him and turned around, giving him a view of my barely covered ass and I heard another groan.

"Fuck, I want to touch you."

"Mmm, me too. I guess you'll have to settle for watching me touch myself."

His eyes grew heavy lidded and I saw him shift in his chair. "It'll have to do."

"You seem a little over-dressed for this," I teased him. "Don't you think you ought to lose a few layers?"

He grinned at me. "If you insist."

He stood up and stepped back from the screen. He was wearing a black tshirt and a pair of dark jeans. He slipped the shirt off and I watched him, wanting to run my hands across the expanse of bare skin that was revealed. I swallowed when the jeans and boxers hit the floor. He was hard and I felt myself grow wet at the sight.

"Edward, I want to see your face too," I begged and he sat down at the desk, fiddling with the webcam until I could see most of his body.

"Better?" he asked.

"Mmmhmm. God, you're so hard."

"I know." His hand ran lightly up and down his cock. "I wish you were here."

"Me too. I want to kneel on the floor in front of you and take your cock in my mouth," I said huskily and I saw him swallow hard. "I wouldn't even take it slow and tease, I'd just want you as deep in my mouth as I could take you."

I ran my fingers across my already hard nipples and I shuddered.

"Fuck, Bella," Edward swore, his eyes dark and smoldering looking while he stroked his cock harder.

"Mmm, you'd taste so good in my mouth." My fingers slid down to my thong and I slipped them under the satin. I moved my other hand down to my wetness and coated my finger with it. I brought it to my lips and dragged it across them. "I can taste my pussy, Edward."

He groaned. "I wish I could."

I moved my finger into my mouth and sucked lightly. "I taste so good. I wish I was licking it off of your hard cock."

"I wish you were too," he sighed. "God I want my tongue in your pussy and your hands in my hair. I want to hear you cry out my name when I make you come." His thumb brushed the head of his cock and I watched his eyes half close with pleasure. "Finger yourself, please," he begged.

I stood up and wiggled out of my thong before sitting down and spreading my legs. "Can you see me better now?"

He moaned. "You are so wet."

"Mmmhmm." I slid my middle finger between my legs and teased around my opening. His left hand moved to cup his balls as his right hand stroked faster.

"Watch me," I said huskily as the finger slid inside my pussy. "Do you like that?"

"Yes. I know just how tight you are like that, even when you're dripping wet for me." His hand slowed. "Damn, I'm getting too close. Add another finger, Bella."

I complied, sliding a second finger into my wet heat and I moaned. My other hand found my clit and I rubbed it firmly, wanting to come when he did. I struggled to keep my eyes open as the pleasure built and I bit my lip in concentration.

"Fuck your pussy, Bella. Imagine it's my cock inside you."

With a strangled shout I came hard and two strokes later I watched him come also, his face contorted with pleasure. I closed my eyes for a moment before opening them and sliding my fingers out of my body. I looked at Edward and was surprised to see a frown on his face.

"What's wrong?"

"I _miss_ you. I'm so used to holding you after and feeling your skin against mine. I just...god, I miss that."

"I do too." I shivered when a cool breeze blew by me. "Hang on, let me grab a blanket."

I got up to get a blanket and wrapped it around myself. Edward was still frowning when I came back, and he had slipped back into boxers and a t-shirt. "See, I'm not even there to keep you warm."

"I know," I said softly. "But we can't change that. Tell me about Italy."

We talked for a while, I told him about my week while he told me about his. About the ancient building he lived in, the narrow bed, the café around the corner. I could picture him there and what was worse was that I kept picturing myself there with him.

After a while, Edward's face fell. "I have to go."

"Alright."

"I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"I wish I could hold you right now, sleep next to you."

"That would be nice," I said softly. "I'll talk to you soon, k?"

"Night, beautiful."

"Night, Edward."

Despite the dizzying orgasm I felt worse than I had before the conversation. I was still turned on and feeling incredibly lonely. I dressed in pajamas and wandered down to Alice's room. Her door was partially open, at least she was home from the bar already. I knocked quietly before venturing in. She looked up in surprise from her computer and took one look at me before hurrying over to give me a hug.

"Missing him?" she asked, and I loved that I didn't even have to tell her what was wrong.

"Mmmhmm."

"I'm sorry. Anything I can do?" She shut the door behind me and I curled up on her couch.

"Just feeling lonely. Can I crash here tonight?" I felt stupid, but of course she didn't even blink.

"Of course. Whatever you need."

I thanked Alice sheepishly in the morning, but she just smiled and shook her head.

"It's ok to admit that you miss him, Bella," she said softly. "There's nothing wrong with your feelings for him." I thought about what she said all day, mulling it over in my mind, but I was no closer to reaching any sort of conclusion than I had been before. Edward was too far and there wasn't a thing I could do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I meant to ask last chapter, what did you think of Mike being Claire's brother?
> 
> -Did you enjoy their video chat?


	34. Everybody Here Wants You

**Chapter Thirty Four: Everybody Here Wants You**

Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss  
A singing smile  
Coffee smell and lilac skin  
Your flame in me

Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss  
A singing smile  
Coffee smell and lilac skin  
Your flame in me

I'm only here for this moment

I know everybody here wants you  
I know everybody here thinks he needs you  
I'll be waiting right here just to show you  
How our love will blow it all away

Hmm, such a thing of wonder in this crowd  
I'm a stranger in this town  
You're free with me  
And our eyes locked in downcast love  
I sit here proud  
Even now you're undressed in your dreams with me

Oh, I'm only here for this moment

I know everybody here wants you  
I know everybody here thinks he needs you  
I'll be waiting right here just to show you  
How our love will blow it all away

I know the tears we cried  
Have dried on yesterday  
The sea of fools has parted for us  
There's nothing in our way  
My love

Don't you see, don't you see?  
You're just the torch to put the flame to all our guilt and shame  
And I'll rise like an ember in your name

I know I, I know I  
I know everybody here wants you  
I know everybody here thinks he needs you  
I'll be waiting right here just to show you  
Oh let me show you  
That love can rise, rise just like embers

Love can taste like the wine of the ages, oh babe,  
And I know they all looks so good from a distance  
But I tell you I'm the one

I know everybody here, well, thinks he needs you  
Think he needs you  
And I'll be waiting right here just to show you.

-"Everybody Here Wants You" by Jeff Buckley

* * *

Edward and I were both busy and weeks slipped by without another chance to get online and talk. We had a few brief phone conversations and emailed every few days, but it wasn't the same. One afternoon when I got back to the dorm after class I was surprised to see a note stuck to my door. I read it, puzzled, and I made my way back down to the desk in the main lobby. I handed it to the bored looking guy behind the counter and said, "I found this on my door. Do you have mail waiting for me?"

He looked up. "Room 402, right?"

I nodded and he walked into the back room. He returned with a large cardboard box which I inspected. I absentmindedly signed the log and carried it to my room. It was addressed to me, and had fragile written all over it. There was no return address on the box. Once I got back to my room I tore the box opened and was shocked to find a large bouquet of flowers. They were white, with small blossoms on bright green stems. I rummaged around in the box looking for a card. I read it, the smile on my face growing.

 

Bella,

I know you probably didn't think twice about the fact that today was Valentine's Day, but I couldn't let it go by without acknowledging it. I miss you like crazy and I wish I were there with you today. Know that I've been thinking about you every waking moment and that May can't come soon enough.

Yours,

Edward

 

He was right, I had only vaguely even been aware that it was Valentine's Day. A comment another girl had made in my early class that morning had reminded me, but I'd never expected Edward to even mention it, much less send me a bouquet of flowers. They were beautiful, and unlike anything I'd ever seen. I found another card at the bottom of the box that told what they were.

"White freesia's long, willowy flower stems topped with trumpet shaped blooms have a silky texture, tiny golden throats and an excellent, sweet fragrance."

I sniffed appreciatively at the flowers; they did have a beautiful scent. I finally roused myself from my shock and I gathered them up to put them in the green glass vase that came with them. I had them arranged in the vase and was just about to set them on my dresser when I heard a gasp from the doorway.

"Oh my god…did Edward send you flowers for Valentine's Day?"

I smiled at Julie in the doorway. "Yeah, he did."

"And you say it's not serious." She shook her head, gaping at them.

"It's really not." I blushed a little.

"Seriously? Why can't I find an adorable thoughtful guy like that? He's better in a non-relationship than most guys in a serious one." She sighed. "I am so jealous."

After she wandered away I got lost in my thoughts again. The flowers were beautiful, but I couldn't help but wonder what they meant. I did a search online for flower meaning and the general consensus I got from most sites was that freesias represented trust and friendship. I sighed and sat back from the computer. That didn't help me at all. I was driving myself crazy trying to read something into a simple gesture that had no deeper meaning. Edward had sent the flowers because he cared about me. It was as simple as that. What we had between us wasn't simple exactly, but it didn't have to be nearly as complicated as I kept trying to make it. I sighed and realized I should send Edward an email thanking him for the flowers. I gnawed at my lip, unsure of what to tell him. I finally settled on a simple message and hit send.

Edward,

Thank you so much for the freesia, they are beautiful and my whole room smells incredible now. It was such a surprise and it meant a lot that you thought about me enough to send them. I miss you too and I'm looking forward to May when I see you again.

-Bella

p.s. You were right, I had no idea what today was.

I shut my laptop and grabbed my geology book. I wasn't in the mood to study, but my exam was coming up and I needed to get it over with. An hour later I was just about ready to throw the book across the room in frustration when Claire peeked her head in.

"Hey Bella, what do you think about going out for sushi?"

"That sounds great." I smiled at Claire. "Are you headed out now?"

"Yeah. If that's alright."

"Sure. I could use a break from studying." I set down my book and stood up to stretch. "I've definitely been cooped up in this room for too long."

"What are you studying?"

"Geology. It's horrible. It's one of my pre-req's and I swear it's designed for people with an IQ under 40. I don't even know why I'm studying so much, I could probably take the exam in my sleep. But I don't want to get too cocky about it. I'd feel even worse if I failed it."

Claire grinned at me. "Yeah, that would be bad. I needed a break from calculus."

"On second thought, geology doesn't sound so bad. I'd rather be studying for it than calculus. I hate math."

"It doesn't really bother me." Claire shrugged.

I laughed. "That's good. I bet you have a lot of math classes in your program, right?"

"Yeah. I can't wait to actually get into some of the engineering classes where we can do hands on work though. I really want to start designing something."

"Will you do any this semester?"

"No, probably not until next fall actually. I have to get all of the basics out of the way first."

"Ugh, that sucks," I sympathized. "So which sushi place did you want to go to?"

"Village Sushi. Have you ever been there?"

"Yeah, a few times with Alice. It's good."

It was drizzling and we walked there quickly to avoid getting soaked. We sat down at a table and Claire twisted her damp hair up on her head and I couldn't help but remember the way my lips felt against her skin there. I flushed, and looked down to study the menu.

When I looked up she smiled at me. "Do you want some green tea?"

I laughed. "I'll give it another shot, but honestly, I've never really been that crazy about it."

She ordered the tea and when it came I wrapped my fingers around the small cup and watched her take a sip. A moment later I drank it and tried not to make a face.

"Still not a fan?"

"No," I admitted. "Somehow it always just tastes like grass to me."

"Did you eat a lot of grass as a kid?" she teased.

I chuckled. "No, it tastes the way freshly mowed grass smells."

"Yeah, it's kind of an acquired taste I think."

"So what do you usually get here?"

"It depends on my mood. Sometimes I get the Chirashi Sushi, but I think tonight I want the

Angry Dragon Roll, and a couple of pieces of the Nigiri sushi. The eel is really good here."

"Ooh, I love eel. It's one of my favorites."

We circled our selections and we talked while we waited for them. The conversation flowed easily and I was surprised when the waitress brought our order.

I watched as Claire delicately slipped a piece of sushi into her mouth, skillfully maneuvering the chopsticks and I sighed.

"You are so much better at that than I am."

She shrugged. "It took me quite a while to get the hang of it."

"Yeah, I'm just uncoordinated."

She quirked an eyebrow at me. "I've danced with you. You're very coordinated."

I laughed. "That's what Edward says. But he really should know better. The first time we ever had any real conversation I slipped on the ice and he caught me."

"Aww, that's sweet, and kind of romantic."

"Yeah, it was," I admitted. "Speaking of which, he sent me flowers."

"Oh?" She looked puzzled.

"Yeah, today, for Valentine's Day."

She laughed. "Geez, I'd totally forgotten that it was even Valentine's Day."

"Yeah, me too, at least until I got the flowers." I glanced around the restaurant, noticing for the first time that the majority of the tables around us were filled with couples. "I think we're the odd ones out here."

She shrugged. "Eh, they probably just think we're here on a date too."

"Does that bother you?"

"That people might assume that? No. You?"

"Not at all, I was just curious."

"I couldn't care less what people think. Especially since you're the hottest girl in the place." She grinned at me.

Distracted, I let the sushi slip from between my chopsticks and it dropped into the bowl of soy sauce, splashing it everywhere.

"Oh god, I am so sorry," I apologized and grabbed for some napkins to mop it up.

She laughed and helped me. "No big deal."

"I just hate being so klutzy."

"I dunno, I think it's kind of cute."

"Oh, well...thanks. Just wait until I fall down a flight of stairs and knock you down with me, or something."

She grinned at me and we finished our dinner and walked back to the dorm. We lingered in the doorway to her room before I reluctantly said goodnight and went to study some more. Despite an overwhelming urge to check my email obsessively, I managed to put it off until I had finished studying and was ready for bed. There was a message from Edward waiting for me.

Bella,

I am glad you liked them. I hope you had a good day. Did you do anything fun? Mine was interesting, although I missed you like crazy. I spent the afternoon at an unbelievable music library here at the University of Rome. If it weren't for you I think I would move in. The recordings they have from some of the operas performed at the Teatro della'Opera are astonishing. However, music or no music…Rome just isn't quite right without you here. I am taking a trip to the Vatican this weekend. I hope I can attend mass at St. Peter's. I'd never call myself a religious person, but I think it's one of those once in a lifetime experiences I can't miss out on.

Our last conversation on Skype was amazing, but I think it's made it a lot more difficult for me to be away. I'd love to do it again, but I'm kind of afraid it's just going to make me more desperate for you. What do you think? I just can't see you get off on cam and not want to be there to touch you.

Missing you,

Edward

I smiled when I saw his message but was kind of torn when I saw what he said about watching me on cam. I agreed, but I wasn't quite sure I could do without some way to relieving my sexual tension.

Edward,

I am glad you're enjoying the opera recordings. Let me know what some of the titles are so I can listen to the songs. I know they won't be the exact same recordings, but I'd still like to know what you're listening to. Other than some Mozart and Bizet I don't know much about opera, and it would be interesting to learn more. I hope you have fun at the Vatican; I've always wanted to go there. I completely understand why you'd want to go to mass at St. Peter's, I'm sure it'll be incredible.

My day was good. Claire and I went out for sushi. We laughed once we realized how much it looked like we were out on a date for Valentine's Day. Thankfully, it wasn't awkward or anything. The sushi was great, I'm pretty sure I could happily eat eel every day for the rest of my life. I studied for my geo exam that's coming up and I nearly threw the book out the window by the time I was done. Wish me luck on the exam!

I'm not sure what to say about playing on Skype again. I agree, I'm kind of conflicted about it. It was amazing but it did make me that much more turned on. I definitely want to do it again, but it was really tough to go to bed alone after. Maybe we could try it one more time and if it's too much again we can stop. I'm pretty sure by the time you get home I'm going to have spontaneously combusted from sexual frustration anyway.

-Bella

The next day I was surprised I didn't have a response back from Edward yet, but I shrugged it off and buried myself in school work until dinner time. I wandered down to Alice's room to see if she was ready and we made our way to the cafeteria for dinner.

"Ugh, this looks terrible," Alice complained.

"I know."

There was grey meatloaf and runny looking mashed potatoes, corn dogs and cheese pizza. We each took a slice of the pizza and made salads at the salad bar before having a seat.

"I need a break," I sighed. "I am so sick of studying."

Alice laughed. "Yeah, me too. Hey, what do you plan to do for spring break?" she asked before taking a bite of salad.

"Spring break? Geez, I hadn't even thought about it," I admitted, frowning down at my pizza after I took a bite. Somehow the cafeteria had managed to mess up cheese pizza, it was gluey and underdone tasting. I pushed it aside and looked up at Alice.

"Well, it's coming up in a few weeks," she reminded me.

"Yeah, I dunno. What about you?"

"Mmm, not much I don't think," Alice said. "Probably spend most of my time with Jasper. Do you think you'd want to go back to Forks?"

I shook my head and stabbed at the tomato in my salad. "I don't think so. I have a ton of studying I should probably do."

"Yeah, me neither. My mom was bummed."

"I doubt Charlie will even notice. Do you want to plan something, maybe you and Rose and I? Nothing major, I can't afford it, but a day trip somewhere or something?"

"Um sure, I'll get back to you on that." I was somewhat surprised, usually Alice was thrilled to plan anything. I was about to say something when she spoke. "So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail my upcoming quiz in lit."

"How come?"

"I'm just not getting this section. I dunno, I'm doing really well otherwise, but I can't seem to wrap my brain around it right now," she complained.

I laughed and told her I'd help her with it. When we were finished with our salads and had tossed the pizza I followed her to her room and we spent a couple of hours going over the stuff she was studying. When I got back there was an email from Edward. I read through it while I munched on dry cereal. I was still starving after the pathetic dinner I'd had.

Bella,

I'll come up with a list of some of the stuff you should listen to. I charged my camera and dumped the memory card so I can take tons of pictures of St. Peter's.

I am glad you had a nice dinner with Claire and weren't alone on Valentine's Day. I would have loved to have taken you out to dinner. I hate being so far. I had some unbelievably amazing Gnocchi all'amatriciana, which is basically tiny little potato dumplings in a white wine, bacon, cheese sauce. And for dessert I had strawberry gelato. You would have loved it. I know I'm going to miss the food when I come home, although I'm quite sure being able to see you will more than make up for it.

For your sake, I'll definitely give Skype another shot but honestly, I don't think I can do it often, I hope you aren't mad. It's just…as good as it felt to come, it made me feel like shit to not be able to be there to touch you after...I hope you understand. Trust me, I don't want you to be frustrated. The only thing that keeps me going is just how fucking explosive it's going to be when I get home. Clear your schedule, 'cause I am not letting you out of bed for at least a week.

Hope your Geo exam went well? Goes well? Not sure if you've taken it yet or not. Missing you like crazy.

-Edward

His email made me a little nervous. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it kind of felt like he was pulling away from me. Although, he had a point about how amazing it would be when he got back home. I shuddered at the thought of being with him again, having an entire week with him to myself. I closed my eyes and desperately wished for him to be home soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think of Edward's Valentine's Day surprise?
> 
> -If you were Bella, would you think he was pulling away? Or was she reading too much into the email?


	35. Wish I Had An Angel

**Chapter Thirty Five: Wish I Had an Angel**

I wish I had an angel

For one moment of love

I wish I had your angel

tonight

Deep into a dying day

I took a step outside an innocent heart

Prepare to hate me for when I may

This night will hurt you like never before

Old loves, they die hard

Old lies, they die harder

I wish I had an angel

For one moment of love

I wish I had your angel

Your Virgin Mary undone

I`m in love with my lust

Burning angel wings to dust

I wish I had your angel tonight

I'm going down so frail and cruel

Drunken disguise changes all the rules

Old loves, they die hard

Old lies, they die harder

I wish I had an angel

For one moment of love

I wish I had your angel

Your Virgin Mary undone

I`m in love with my lust

Burning angel wings to dust

I wish I had your angel tonight

Greatest thrill, Not to kill

But to have the prize of the night

Hypocrite, Wannabe friend

13th disciple who betrayed me for nothing!

Last dance, first kiss

Your touch, my bliss

Beauty always comes with dark thoughts

I wish I had an angel

For one moment of love

I wish I had your angel

Your Virgin Mary undone

I`m in love with my lust

Burning angel wings to dust

I wish I had your angel tonight

I wish I had an angel

I wish I had an angel

I wish I had an angel

I wish I had an angel

-"Wish I Had an Angel" by Nightwish

* * *

I watched the moisture bead up on the windows of the truck. Claire and I had gone out to get coffee but it was pouring outside and we were sitting in the truck waiting for it to let up. It was cold outside, but the interior of the truck was warm and the windows were starting to fog up. I traced a pattern on the glass with my finger, trying to ignore how close she was sitting. I could feel the warmth from her arm against mine and I was having trouble focusing on what she was saying. I could smell her, honey and clean linen and the lingering scent of clove cigarettes. I breathed it in, feeling dizzy and giddy. I turned to look at her when the song on my iPod changed and she grinned at me.

"I love this song! I can't believe you know it."

I laughed. "I love it too. The Fifth Element is a classic. And I have a weakness for rock opera."

She laughed. "Please tell me you know who Nightwish is then?"

"Of course, I have most of the songs from their Once album. _Wish I Had an Angel_ is a huge favorite of mine.

She smiled. "I knew I liked you for a reason."

I teased her, "Are you sure that's the only reason?"

She laid her hand on my arm. "Oh I can think of a few others."

I could feel my skin tingling from where our skin was touching, but I wasn't sure if she felt it too. A flash of light lit up the sky and the crack of the thunder that immediately followed startled us both. Her hand gripped my arm for a moment and then she let out a shaky breath.

"That startled me."

"Me too," I admitted with a nervous laugh.

The feeling of her warm skin against mine was driving me insane. Her hand was delicate and soft and briefly wondered what it would feel like brushing against my nipples or between my legs. I bit my lip, afraid that I'd moan out loud just thinking about it. I stared at her legs, slender but strong in the tights she was wearing under her short skirt. Unable to stand the tension any longer, I asked her a question about her classes to distract myself from thinking about her body. Eventually, the rain let up and we left the truck.

We sat at the metal café table, drinking coffee and talking. The smoke from Claire's cloves swirled around me and I found myself leaning back to smell it better. It was cold out, but not raining anymore so we sat outside under the awning warming our fingers on cups of coffee. Talking with Claire was so easy. I never felt like I had to explain myself or apologize. She understood me without any effort. But all I could focus on was her lips. I watched her talk, forcing myself to tear my eyes away often enough that I wouldn't look like I was staring. She leaned back in her chair throwing her arm up against the back of it. I stared at the long smooth line of the muscles of her arm and the way the movement made her breasts shift under the fabric of her shirt. She closed her eyes for a moment as she took a drag from the cigarette. Something about it evoked images of a 1930's film star; elegant and languid. Her lips curved into a small smile and I wondered if she could feel my eyes on her.

She sighed. "This is nice."

"It is." My voice was soft.

"I've just been so stressed out about Mike and John lately."

"Oh?" I hated that I felt a tiny flash of irritation every time she mentioned him.

"Yeah." She sighed again and opened her eyes. "I just feel like something's supposed to happen with John. But he won't make a move. He's so freaked out that Mike is going to be upset if we date, but honestly, I think he'll be fine."

"I'm sorry, I wish I could be more helpful but I don't really know what to suggest."

"Mike has his obnoxious moments, but for the most part we're really close." She shrugged. "I

think he'd freak out for a couple of days and then settle down."

"Do you think he has any idea about you and John?"

"Probably not. He's fairly clueless in general." We both laughed and she took another sip of her coffee. "How are things going with Edward?"

I sighed and sat back in my chair. "I don't know. We're not going to be able to see each other until he comes home in May, and frankly another couple of months is going to be torture."

"Have you talked any more about things?"

"Not really. We have sort of danced around it a thousand times but never actually said anything."

"If it did come up, what would you want him to say?"

I sighed again and drained the last of my coffee. "That's the problem, I don't know what I want."

She nodded. "He's amazing and incredible, and I'm crazy about him, but I have a hard time believing that he'd want something serious. Ugh, I don't know."

She laughed, "I know, it's never easy."

"I promised myself that I wouldn't make it complicated for Edward. That we'd have fun and I wouldn't put any pressure on him for anything else. But I swear, it's always him, not me."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe I'm wrong, but I always assumed that in this sort of situation he'd be a lot less…I don't know affectionate, I guess? He holds my hand, he kisses me goodbye, he calls to ask how my day went. He wants me to spend the night, he sends me flowers for Valentine's Day. He says he cares about me and that he wants me for more than just sex. It just feels like what I always imagined a relationship would be like. But I have no idea what's normal for him, or for any other situation like ours."

Claire laughed. "Yeah, that is confusing. Half of the guys I know wouldn't be that thoughtful in a relationship, much less when they just wanted to get some."

I laughed too. "See why it's so confusing? That's sort of what I thought…but then I wasn't really sure. It's not like I've ever actually been in a relationship before. And we can talk about absolutely everything else in the world, except this. And with him gone…I second guess everything. I nearly told him I loved him the day he left and now I'm terrified that he doesn't even want me anymore. And I know better. I really do, but without him around…I get all…paranoid about it."

Someone cleared their throat behind us and we both jumped. It was a guy who worked at the coffee shop standing there with a couple of dishes in his hands. "Sorry, I have to close up now." He looked apologetic.

We both stood up. Claire's hand brushed against mine and I stared at her a moment, wondering if she'd felt it too, the attraction between us. Her lips were slightly parted and she looked dazed. She had felt it then. She wound her fingers through mine and her eyes never left mine. There was another clearing of the throat and we turned to face the café guy. He looked simultaneously bewildered and interested. Apparently what was happening between us was obvious to everyone around us too.

"Do you want to head back to the house?" she asked me quietly.

"Sure. What did you have in mind?" I smiled at her.

"We could always use the hot tub," she suggested.

"I didn't bring a suit," I said, disappointed.

"No big deal, you can always just do a bra and underwear if you want."

Claire and I looked at each other and I saw a flash of desire in her eyes. She leaned forward and lightly brushed her lips against mine. I forgot all about the coffee shop guy and let my lips mold against hers. We kissed for a moment and then broke apart when we heard a loud crash.

We turn to look and the guy was blatantly staring at the two of us, his mouth hanging open. There was a broken dish on the ground and he looked completely shell-shocked. We walked away laughing and she grabbed my hand again as we walked back to the car.

"Whoops," she giggled. "I forgot he was even there."

"Yeah, the look on his face was priceless."

"I was serious about the hot tub though. You can just wear a bra and underwear, or you can borrow something of mine."

"I'm fairly sure I'd be completely falling out of the top," I said.

She glanced down at her own chest. "Yeah you're a little better endowed than I am. I look like a boy."

"No you really don't." My voice was fervent and I winced, afraid I'd scared her off but she just laughed.

"Thanks."

I didn't know what else to say so I muttered a 'you're welcome' and we drove back to the house. We went up to her room and she tossed me a couple of bathing suits.

"These have removable padding, so maybe if you take that out it'll fit you."

"Thanks."

I went into the bathroom to change and finally found a blue swimsuit that wasn't completely inappropriate. I looked in the mirror and grabbed the top of the bikini, trying to make it cover more. My breasts had gotten bigger since I'd started taking the pill and I was always a little shocked at how big they actually were now. A solid C cup was way more than I ever thought I'd see. I walked back into the room and stared at Claire. She was wearing a very small bikini also and it was a green and white print. She looked incredible. I hurried to say something before she caught me staring.

"I found something that'll work I think." I said and she turned to face me.

"That looks great on you." She smiled at me.

"Are you sure? It isn't too revealing on the top?" I tugged at the fabric again.

"No, you look hot. Besides, it's just Mike and John and I. No big deal."

I didn't really care what Mike and John thought, but I did like that she thought I looked hot.

"Alright, if you're sure."

"C'mon Bella, get your cute little ass in the water," she laughed and dragged me downstairs.

"Hello hotness!" Mike greeted me and I blushed.

"I had to borrow a suit from Claire," I said.

"Thanks sis." He winked at her. "Your friend is smokin'"

She rolled her eyes and led me outside. There was a small hot tub on the deck of the house and I shivered in the cool night air. I climbed in carefully and Claire sat beside me.

"Wow, this feels great," I said, leaning my head back against the edge of it as I slid lower.

"I know. That's why I'm over here all of the time. I swear the guys rented the house just because of the hot tub."

"I don't blame them," I sighed.

I opened my eyes when I heard loud voices coming from the house. Mike and John came out.

"We brought the booze!" they shouted and I shook my head, amused. They hopped in with us and John sat across from me. I glanced at him - he was cute. Claire definitely had good taste. He had nearly black hair and brown eyes with surprisingly pale skin. He had a nice smile and he looked great in just the pair of black swimming trunks he was wearing. However, it was Claire that I couldn't keep my eyes off of. Her face glowed in the dim light and I watched water trickle down over her collarbone and make its way toward the slope of her breast. Mike nudged my arm to get my attention and handed me a drink.

"What are these?" I asked.

"Long Islands."

I laughed. "Are you trying to get me drunk Mike?"

"Maybe."

He smirked at me and I rolled my eyes. He wasn't bad looking but when he was a ridiculous flirt and kind of obnoxiously loud. Plus, he and Jessica were apparently doing some kind of on again/off again thing and I had no desire to get in the middle of that. I took a couple of sips and then set it down on the edge of the hot tub. We relaxed in the tub, the four of us chatting about classes and the latest campus gossip. By the time I had drank about half of my Long Island I was feeling slightly buzzed. Mike laid his arm up on the edge of the hot tub and it brushed against my shoulder. I shrugged away from him and scooted toward Claire. She smiled at me and neither of us moved away when her knee touched mine. I glanced at the swell of her breasts above the fabric of her bathing suit and felt myself flush. I pushed my damp hair away from the back of my neck and wished I had something tie my hair up with.

As if she'd read my mind Claire smiled at me said, "Need a hair tie?"

"Yeah, actually that would be great." I smiled at her. "Do you have one on you?"

She tugged one off of her wrist and held it out to me. I gathered my hair and tried to put it in a ponytail and tuck the ends under to keep it off of my neck. Somehow I managed to get it tangled and I winced when I tried to tug it free.

"Let me help with that." Claire scooted closer to me and I turned slightly to the side. Her bare leg pressed against mine and I felt her breasts brush against my back as she tried to untangle my hair. I felt my nipples harden despite the warm water and I nearly groaned out loud. Her soft hands felt nice as they brushed against the back of my neck. She finally got the tie free and gathered my hair up and tucked it into a neat twist.

"Thanks," I said. "I was getting a little warm."

"Yeah, your hair is so long. It's gorgeous but I'm sure it gets in the way."

I nodded. Her arm was draped loosely around my shoulders and her hand rested against my upper arm. Mike looked annoyed and John glowered at me. She didn't move back to her side of the hot tub though and I let myself relax into her. Her fingers moved absently against the skin on my arm and I got goose bumps. I shifted a little, suddenly aware of how aroused I was. Her breast brushed against my arm and I could feel her nipples tighten against me. Whether it was from the cool air, or from arousal I couldn't tell.

"Hey, John, we should head out if we're going to that party tonight," Mike said, standing up to get out of the hot tub.

John shot us a lingering look and then sighed and stood up too.

"Fine. Just let me grab a quick shower and we'll head out." He dried off and went into the house with a scowl on his face.

"You guys can come, if you want," Mike offered, his eyes glued to my cleavage.

"I think I'd rather just stay here," Claire said.

She didn't turn her head, but I could see her look at me out of the corner of her eye. I gulped, suddenly aware that we would be alone together.

"Yeah, me too."

"Your loss." He shrugged and left.

"So," Claire said.

She didn't move away from me, despite the fact that we had the hot tub to ourselves.

"So." I swallowed hard. Her wet thigh slid against mine and I felt my nipples tighten despite the warm water. I leaned my head back against her arm where it was resting against the edge of the hot tub and sighed, staring up at the night sky. It was too cloudy to see any stars but it wasn't raining and the air had the first hints of the softness of spring. "This is amazing."

"Why do you think I'm over here all the time?"

I laughed. "Yeah, I'd never leave."

"I'll have to invite you over more often then."

"I'll even bring my own suit."

"I dunno, I think you look great in mine."

"Thanks." I glanced down at my chest. "I still feel like I'm completely popping out."

"I don't think anyone here had any complaints."

"It's nice to know I can hold my own," I joked. "I've always felt inferior to Rose. She's a full D cup, and has been since she was like fourteen."

Claire shrugged. "She probably had a rough time in school then, because of it."

"Yeah, that's true." I admitted, remembering how embarrassed she'd felt at first, hiding under baggy shirts as much as she could.

"Besides, you have nothing to feel bad about. You're perfect."

Thanks."

We were silent for a while until Claire sighed. "Ugh, my neck is killing me, I think I slept funny last night."

"Do you want a massage?" I offered, nervous but hopeful that she'd take me up on the offer.

She smiled at me. "That would be great."

I shifted a little so my legs were spread wide and Claire perched in front of me on the edge of the seat between my legs. She sighed when my hands touched her skin. I slid them from her shoulders up to the top of her neck. I gently pressed the tight muscles there and she moaned.

"That feels so good, Bella."

I squirmed a little, aroused by the sounds she was making and the feel of her body against mine. I gently massaged her neck and the tops of her shoulder and she relaxed against me.

"I don't think I can move," she sighed when I finished.

"You don't have to," I whispered and let my hand fall on her upper thigh. Her muscles tightened and then relaxed under my hand. I wanted so badly to slide my fingers between her thighs and see if she was as wet for me as I was for her. But faced with the thought of actually making the first move I chickened out.

We sat there for a long while before I reluctantly sighed and said, "I don't want to, but I should go. I have a pretty early class tomorrow."

"That's too bad." She sighed and pulled away from me to move to the other side of the tub.

"I know, trust me, I'd rather stay." My eyes followed her body as she gracefully stepped out and onto the deck. I changed and gave her back the swimsuit. We awkwardly hugged goodnight at the door and her lips brushed my cheek in a soft kiss. I wanted to turn my head to kiss her lips but again, I chickened out. I thought I saw a flicker of disappointment cross her face.

Once in my dorm room I collapsed onto the couch, hastily unbuttoning my jeans to slide my fingers beneath the damp fabric of my panties. I fantasized about being back in the hot tub with Claire, but with courage to touch her. In my fantasy I was bold enough to reach up to cup her breast in one hand while my other hand comes to rest against the heat of her pussy. She moaned, and encouraged, I pinched her nipple lightly through the thin fabric of her swimsuit.

Her hips thrust up at my fingers until I was cupping her wet heat firmly.

"Yes Bella," she whispered and my hand moved beneath her bikini top to feel the hard pucker of her aroused nipple. Her hips bucked toward my hand and I started to move my fingers. I pressed a finger into her lightly and even with the fabric barrier I was aware of how aroused she was.

"Please," she whispered and I moved my hand under the fabric to stroke her. She twisted her head to the side and kissed me, her whimpers and sighs muffled by my mouth.

She pressed back against me and teased my nipples through the soft fabric. I pulled her back firmly against me and she ran her hand up my leg and snaked it between us to stroke my overheated flesh.

"Claire," I gasped as I came, abruptly pulled away from my fantasy by my orgasm. I lay on the couch panting.

If it hadn't been for Edward, I knew I would have unreservedly thrown myself into something with Claire. As it was, I found myself twisted up in knots thinking about both of them and wondering what I should do. There was no clear path ahead of me, and I had no idea what to do about either of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have any specific questions for you about this chapter, but I'd love to hear what you thought of it.
> 
> And there's a bit of a surprise for you in the next chapter!


	36. You Look Like Rain

**Chapter Thirty Six: You Look Like Rain**

Your mind and your experience call to me

You have lived and your intelligence is sexy

I want to know what you got to say

I can tell you taste like the sky cause you look like rain

You look like rain

You think like a whip on a horse's back

Stretched out to the limit you make it crack

Send that horse round and round the track

I want to know what you got to say

I can tell you taste like the sky cause you look like rain

You look like rain

Yea you look like rain

You look like rain

-"You Look Like Rain" by Morphine

* * *

"C'mon, Bella…please…come to the party," Alice begged.

We'd been invited to a party at Ben's house and Angela had called to invite us. Jasper and Emmett had plans for the weekend and Rosalie was sick with a cold. Alice didn't want to go by herself and she'd been pestering me for several days about going.

"You haven't seen Ang or Ben or Jessica in forever."

I realized guiltily that I hadn't. I'd texted them or emailed occasionally, but it had been a really long time since we'd hung out.

"Alright," I reluctantly agreed. "I'll go."

"Yay! You'll have a great time…I promise."

I nodded absentmindedly at her and wondered if I should see if Claire wanted to come. I vaguely remembered her saying something earlier in the week about having plans on Saturday though, so I decided not to bother. Besides, it wouldn't hurt me to hang out with my old friends for a while. I really had been neglecting them. Alice and I got ready for the party together; she curled my hair and did my makeup and when I stepped back to look in the mirror before we left I was rather pleased. Tousled curls, defined eyes, rosy lips…I looked good. I turned around, checking out the jeans and boots she'd found in the back of my closet, and the black fitted top with the deep v neck that I'd only worn once before. Too bad there was no one to enjoy it. I sighed and slipped on the necklace from Edward before grabbing a small clutch purse to put my wallet and keys in.

I said hi to Angela and Ben when I got there, but they were quickly distracted by other guests. I glanced around. It was a nice little house, Ben had been living there with a couple of friends since the fall and for all practical purposes Angela was living there too. Her ultra-conservative father had no idea. She still technically had a dorm room that she lived in, but she was rarely there. I knew they were planning on getting married as soon as she graduated, and with the course load she was taking and the summer classes, it would be just two more years after this semester was over. It was strange to imagine any of my friends getting married, much less so young, but Angela and Ben had already been together for almost three years and they were one of the best couples I'd ever seen. If anyone could defy the odds and actually make it, it was them.

I caught up with Jessica a few minutes later and she hugged me enthusiastically.

"Hey, Bella! I haven't seen you in forever."

"I know, it's been crazy."

"How are you?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Great."

"Are you dating anybody?" I asked.

She giggled. "Mike and I are still on again off again."

"Are you cool with that?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, it's fine. He's cute but it's nothing serious. I went out on a date with a nice guy last weekend but we'll see. I'm having fun."

"Good."

"Are you and Edward still doing your friends with benefits thing?"

"Uh, sort of, he's studying abroad this semester."

"Oh bummer! I'm not sure I could go that long." She giggled.

I shook my head and laughed. "Trust me, it sucks. Skype only does so much."

"Are you and Claire still hooking up?"

I gave her a surprised look. "We've never really hooked up. Just fooling around at the party and stuff like that."

"Oh, I thought maybe it was more."

I shrugged. "I dunno."

She nodded. "She seems nice."

"Yeah, she is." I took a deep breath. "You're not weirded out by it or anything?"

She wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "Nah, not at all. It's cool. My roommate and I make out sometimes at parties. Whatever floats your boat, right?"

I grinned at her. "Yeah."

I loved her frank attitude. Now that she wasn't friends with Lauren anymore I liked her a lot more than I ever had in high school.

"Oooh, hey, I need a drink, want to come get one?"

"Sure." I nodded and we went over to get drinks. I mixed myself a gin and tonic and started talking to Alice who had wandered over to grab a Pina Colada.

"Ugh, how do you drink those?" I made a face.

"I actually like coconut. How do you drink gin? It's nasty! Like gargling Pine Sol."

We both laughed; we'd had that conversation a thousand times before.

"Thanks for coming tonight," she said.

"I'm glad I came," I admitted. "I was kind of getting to be a hermit."

"Yeah, I noticed."

Angela and Ben's party was going full swing when I was distracted by a flash of bronze hair to my left. My head swung around and I gasped when I saw him.

"Edward?"

He turned and smiled at me before walking over and wrapping his arms around me.

"Mmm, Bella. I've missed you. I couldn't stay away any longer."

I breathed in his scent, unable to believe he was really here. I closed my eyes for a second and leaned into him. After a moment I pulled back and looked up at him. Jesus he was beautiful, a little tired maybe, and scruffy, but still so incredibly gorgeous.

"What are you doing here? How long are you home for?"

"Five days in Seattle. I'm on spring break. Most of the people in the program took side trips to Greece or France or England but I wanted to come home to see you."

My heart was beating too fast in my chest but I wasn't sure if it was fear or excitement or something else. I was glad to see him, but things with Claire were already complicated enough. It felt so good to have his arms around me though.

"Surprised?" he asked, grinning at me.

"Very."

I felt strange, flushed and jittery. I went to pull back from him but he didn't let go.

"Good surprise?" he asked, looking a little worried.

"Of course."

I smiled at him and his arms tightened around me. He had come all this way for me, and I had missed him so much. He leaned down to kiss me and I felt my knees go weak. The chemistry was still there between us, for a moment I'd wondered if my feelings for Claire might have changed that, but apparently not. I shut everything else out of my mind for a few moments while I kissed him. His hand tangled in the back of my hair and my knees actually gave out. He grabbed me and pulled his lips away. I blushed and buried my head in Edward's neck when I realized several people were staring at us. This was starting to become quite a habit of mine. When I opened my eyes again everyone had turned away again and I looked up at him.

"Whoops."

"It's so cute when you do that."

"Do what?"

"Blush."

I rolled my eyes at him and he leaned in and spoke in my ear. "Plus, I like making your knees go weak like that."

 _Damn him, of course he'd noticed,_ I thought.

"So when did you get back?" I asked him.

"I just flew in. I pretty much came straight from the airport."

"You must be exhausted."

"I was, until I got here and saw you."

I took his hand and squeezed it, amazed at how right it felt to be together.

"You're back!" Alice came up and hugged him. "Yay, our plan worked."

"She was part of my devious plot to keep this a surprise from you," he explained.

I laughed. "Well it worked. No wonder she was so adamant about dragging me to the party."

She grinned at me. "Yep. I was starting to think I was going to have to hog-tie you to get you here."

"Well, when I saw Edward I was starting to think that I was hallucinating."

"Don't you mean fantasizing?" he winked.

"Well, that is something I do an awful lot…"

"Eww, go get a room you two." Alice rolled her eyes and walked off.

"I think that sounds like a great idea," Edward purred in my ear.

"Yeah, it does," I admitted. "But I should stick around for a little while. I just got here and I promised Alice I would." He sighed. "If you're too tired you can head back to wherever you're staying and we can get together tomorrow."

"I had kind of hoped I could stay with you," he said.

"Of course, I just didn't want to assume. But I'd love for you to stay with me, as long as you don't mind a minuscule dorm room with a tiny bed."

"Anything if I get to sleep next to you."

"Alright, I won't stay too late then. We should probably go mingle for a little bit though."

"Ok."

I took Edward's hand and we wandered over to Angela and Ben. I saw her eyes widen and I couldn't help but chuckle. Sometimes I forgot what kind of an effect he had on girls. We talked to them for a while when all of a sudden I caught a glimpse of Claire walking over to us.

"Bella!" she said as she hugged me. "I didn't expect to see you here."

I was enveloped in the scent of the perfume she wore and the ever-present sweetness of cloves.

"I…I didn't expect to see you either."

My heart raced and I started to feel light-headed. We stood there for a moment staring at each other until Edward cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry, I'm being rude. Claire, this is…my…Edward." That hadn't come out right at all. I had meant to say that he was my friend, but he was more than that and I stumbled over the words. "Edward, this is…" I hesitated again, "my friend Claire."

They shook hands and I wondered if I was imagining the weird tension between them.

"Where are Mike and John tonight?" I asked her.

"Oh, they're both being a pain in the ass. Mike's pouting because he's trying to get into the pants of some girl in his physics class and she's not interested."

She looked over at Edward. "Mike is my brother." He nodded. "And John, he's…he's a friend. He's just being pissy in general. He didn't want to come tonight. So Julie and I came." She gestured toward her roommate. Julie was staring at Edward with a goofy grin on her face and I couldn't blame her. He was spectacular, even tired and rumpled from travel.

"Bummer," I said. "So how do you know Angela?"

"Honestly, I don't really know her that well. But I have a class with Ben."

"Oh, right, he's in the engineering program too."

"How do you know her?" she asked.

"I went to high school with Angela; we graduated together."

She nodded. "I should go talk to Ben actually. I have a question for him. I'll catch you later,

Bella, nice to meet you Edward."

"Bye, Claire."

Other than a barely murmured sound of agreement when Claire said goodbye I realized Edward had been unusually quiet.

"Are you ok?" I asked when she walked away.

"Yeah, I'm fine." He smiled at me. "Just the jet lag I think."

"Why don't we head back to my place then?"

"Are you sure? I thought you wanted to stick around."

"No, it's alright. I really wouldn't mind some alone time with you and I don't want you to pass out on your feet. Let me just tell Alice I'm leaving and we can head out."

I waved goodbye to Emmett and Jasper across the room. Apparently they had also been part of the surprise. They had met Edward at the airport when he flew in. Rosalie really was sick though. She had been the only one not directly involved in the surprise.

Alice hugged me goodbye and whispered in my ear, "Have fun tonight."

I rolled my eyes at her and we left the party. It was raining lightly and I shivered. I hadn't brought a jacket with me. Edward pulled his off and settled it around my shoulders. We walked in silence for a while, just holding hands. It didn't take long to get back to my dorm. It was after midnight and all but the front door were locked. I had to show my student ID to check in and I had to sign in Edward as a guest. He dug out his driver's license and he flashed a charming smile at the girl who was signing us in and for a moment I thought she was going to hyperventilate.

"That's not nice," I scolded him as we walked up the stairs to my room.

"What's not?"

"You almost gave that poor girl a heart attack."

He laughed. "You exaggerate."

I paused when we got to my door, suddenly inexplicably nervous for some reason. It had been months since I'd seen Edward, or been alone with him. I fumbled with my keys. I finally managed to fit the key in the lock and open the door. I jumped when a flash of light lit up the room and a crack of thunder immediately followed.

"Wow, I guess we got back just in time," he said. "That looks like it's going to be one hell of a storm."

"I know."

I shut the door behind us and walked over to the window. The rain was pouring down and through the old windows I could see the campus illuminated every time the lighting flashed.

"It's beautiful though," I said.

He didn't respond and I turned to look at him but he was staring at me, not the storm. I leaned into him and he moved behind me and put his arms around my waist. He kissed the top of my head and we stood there for a while watching the storm. After a while I noticed him leaning on me a little more heavily and I realized how tired he must be.

"I'm sorry, Edward, you must be exhausted."

"Yeah, I'm getting there. I think I just need to sit down."

"Alright, let's get you ready for bed."

He smiled at me and winked. Even tired he still couldn't help but flirt.

"Oh shit, you don't have any of your stuff with you. Where did you leave it?" I asked.

"My car is at Ben and Angela's. Alice ok-ed it with her, I'll pick it up tomorrow. I wasn't sure what parking was going to be like around the dorm and I just wanted to get back here with you."

"Ok. Well, I'll see if I have an extra toothbrush or something. I doubt you'll fit in my pajamas though."

"No, probably not. But I'd rather sleep naked with you anyway."

I laughed and rummaged around in my toiletries.

"I found a toothbrush for you. There's the bathroom at the end of the hall that you can use, it just has a sink and toilet though. I'll get a loaner key for the guy's shower in the morning so you can use it. I'm going to go brush my teeth and stuff, I'll be back in a few." I paused on my way out the door. "Let's use the pull out couch, we'll be more comfortable there."

I grabbed my things and hurried to the bathroom and stood there shaking for a moment. Edward being here seemed very surreal. I couldn't believe he'd flown halfway around the world to see me. I was glad to see him but my feelings for Claire were still there and I wasn't sure what I wanted. If the guilt about my interest in Claire had been bad before, it was worse now with him right in front of me. I absentmindedly brushed my teeth and washed my face. I stood there for a while staring at myself in the mirror, unsure of what to do. I took a deep breath before I walked back to my room. _No over-thinking things tonight_ I promised myself, _just be glad that Edward's here_.

I gasped when I opened the door. He had lit a couple of candles and there was music playing. Morphine. He knew me too well.

"Planning on coming in the room or did I scare you off?" he asked.

I realized I was still standing in the hallway and I stepped inside and closed the door behind me, locking it for the night.

"You didn't scare me off, it's amazing."

"I'm glad. I wanted to surprise you."

"You definitely did. Was putting Morphine on intentional?" I asked, gesturing toward the docking station for my iPod.

"Of course, I remembered that you said you wanted to listen to them during a storm." He smiled. "You like?"

"I do. I just can't believe you remembered that."

He pulled me into his arms and held me. "I remember everything you said."

I smiled and rested my head against his chest. I could hear his heartbeat and it was strong and steady, thrumming just under the sound of the music and the occasional crack of thunder. I let myself relax into him for a few moments until I remembered how tired he must be. I pulled away and he smiled at me.

"You all ready for bed?" he asked.

"Yes." Nervous tension was still making my stomach clench so I took a deep breath as he laid down.

"Then come here."

I took another deep breath and crawled into bed beside him. He had managed to locate my sheets and make up the pull out couch for us. I wondered how long I'd actually been in the bathroom freaking out. He wrapped his arms around me and sighed.

"God I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

He kissed me and it was slow but a little bit desperate.

"I wish you could be there with me." His fingers brushed along my cheekbones.

"I know. Me too."

He laughed softly. "I'm not sure how much sightseeing we'd get done though. Do you think I'd let you out of my bed?"

"Umh, true."

He kissed me again and I felt myself getting wet. He pulled away long enough to nibble my ear but then he yawed.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I'm exhausted. I really want you right now, but I'm wiped out."

"It's ok, Edward. I've made it through a couple of months, I can wait until tomorrow." I kissed his forehead. "Sleep."

He sighed and laid his head on my shoulder. I stroked his hair and in a few minutes he was asleep. I watched him for a while but eventually my eyes closed too.

I woke up several hours later and realized the candles were still burning, although the music had stopped. I stared down at Edward, watching him sleep. He was so beautiful. Sleep softened the sharp lines of his face and with his dark heavy lashes against his cheeks he looked very young. I pulled away from him a little and he frowned. I lightly stroked the furrows on his forehead and they softened again into sleep. I disentangled myself from Edward and blew the candles out. I slipped back into bed beside him and he wrapped his arms around me protectively. He was asleep and his breathing was slow and even.

"I love you, Edward but I don't know what to do," I whispered and tucked my head against his neck. "I'm so scared." His breathing never changed and soon I was asleep too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Were you surprised to see Edward?
> 
> -What did you think of Edward and Claire meeting?


	37. Someday

**Chapter Thirty Seven: Someday**

You can go, you can start all over again

You could try to find a way to make another day go by

You can hide, hold all your feelings inside

You could try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out

Try to put an end to all our doubt

And try to find a way to make things better now that

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

We'll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait and try to find another mistake

If you throw it all away then maybe you could change your mind

You can run, oh, and when everything is over and done

You could shine a little light on everything around you

Man, it's good to be someone

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out

Try to put an end to all our doubt

Try to find a way to make things better now that

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

We'll be better off somehow, someday

And I don't wanna wait, I just wanna know

I just wanna hear you tell me so

Give it to me straight, tell it to me slow

'Cause maybe someday we'll figure all this out

We'll put an end to all our doubt

Try to find a way to just feel better now that

Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud

We'll be better off somehow, someday

'Cause sometimes we don't really notice

Just how good it can get

So maybe we should start all over

Start all over again

'Cause sometimes we don't really notice

Just how good it can get

So maybe we should start all over

Start all over again

-"Someday" by Rob Thomas

* * *

In the morning I tried to get out of bed but Edward's arms wrapped around my waist. "No. You're not going anywhere," he muttered.

"But it's after 11. We should get up."

"Do you have anywhere you have to be?"

"No."

"Then stay in bed, please?" He looked up at me with pleading eyes and I relented and cuddled up next to him.

"Ok. I'll stay."

He softly stroked the bare skin of my arm, gently running the tips of his fingers back and forth over my skin.

"Mmm, that feels good," I murmured.

"Good."

We lay like that for a long time. Eventually I shifted a little which brought my ass in contact with his hips. He stirred and wrapped his arm more tightly around me. He kissed the back of my neck and I shivered against him. I felt him harden behind me and I teased him a little, wiggling just enough to get a reaction from him. He groaned and his hand gripped my hip to hold it in place.

"Are you sure you want to do that, Bella?" he asked teasingly and I laughed softly.

"Oh yes. You may have fallen asleep last night, but I'm not waiting any longer."

"In that case…" He slid his hand down my stomach and into my soft grey boy shorts. "Mmm, you're wet."

"I was having a very nice dream about some hot guy." I smiled.

He leaned his forehead against my neck and I felt his eyelashes brush my skin. "And who was the hot guy?"

His fingers slid through my folds and I moaned and arched into him.

"I dunno," I said breathlessly, "just some gorgeous guy with this crazy hair and a huge cock."

He laughed. "And what did you want him to do with that cock?"

"Everything," I muttered.

He removed his hand and pushed down my underwear and then his own. He positioned himself at my entrance and I shuddered, the feeling of his cock sliding against my wetness was incredible. He thrust in a little ways and paused.

"Fuck, you're so tight," he gasped.

"Well, it has been a while," I reminded him breathlessly and arched my back into him. He took my right leg and propped it up on his to allow himself better access. He slid further in and I groaned. "Way too long." I had missed the feeling of him inside of me so much.

"Definitely."

His thumb pressed against my hipbone and he thrust the rest of the way in before stilling.

"Mmm, Edward."

My eyes closed and I focused on the feeling of him filling me. He slowly began to rock his hips, taking his time with me. And despite the fact that it had been way too long since we'd been together I let him set the pace. I was in a dreamy haze, aware of nothing but his cock inside of me and the warmth of his body behind me. The slow, lazy pace continued and I pressed back a little harder.

"I missed you," he said softly and I smiled.

"I missed you too. So much."

His hand left my hip to cup my breast and his fingers teased my nipples into hardness and then moved down to my clit. He kept the pace slow but thrust more deeply and I moaned. My entire body felt warm and flushed and I was getting close.

"God, Edward, you feel so good," I sighed.

He continued to thrust slowly into me, fingers still teasing my clit. "You feel good too," he choked out, "tight, hot and wet."

"I'm wet for you. You do this to me," I gasped. His fingers slid over my clit just as he hit a spot deep inside of me and I cried out, "I'm coming."

"Yes, come for me."

I gasped and shuddered around him, moaning his name. He came just a few moments later, his breath harsh against the back of my neck.

"Bella," he groaned as he shuddered against me, fingers gripping my hip hard.

We laid there for a while, not speaking. It felt so good to have him inside of me, wrapped around me. It felt right.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"For what?"

"For coming here. When you could have gone anywhere in the world, to be with anyone."

"There is nowhere I'd rather be, and no one I'd rather be with."

I sighed when he pulled out of me. I felt empty without him as always. He rubbed his cheek across my shoulder and the scrape of his stubble tickled. I shivered and moved out of his reach. He pulled me close and I twisted around so I was lying on my back. I dragged my palm across his cheek, liking the feel of the stubble on it.

"Sorry about that, I need to shave." He closed his eyes as my fingers traveled across the bridge of his nose.

"Mmm, I kind of like it actually," I admitted.

"I thought you liked me clean shaven."

"I do usually. But this is nice too. I missed it."

"Do you know what I missed the most?"

"The sex?"

"No. This. Just lazing around with you in bed."

"I missed it too," I sighed.

He traced his fingers along my cheek and I felt my eyes close, I was drowsy and content.

"I should get up," I murmured but he pulled me close and shushed me.

"Sleep, Bella."

He stroked my face softly and I slipped into sleep before I even realized it. When I woke up a while later he was still awake.

"Were you watching me sleep?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Was I talking again?" I asked, sitting up and stretching.

He shook his head. "No, not this time."

We both got out of bed and I slipped into my robe. Edward put on his boxers and I smiled when I noticed his hair. I'd missed his crazy bed head.

"What are you smiling about?" he asked me.

"You."

"What about me?"

"Your crazy hair."

He glanced in a mirror and grinned ruefully. "Uh, yeah. Wow. It's worse than usual, isn't it?"

I nodded and sat down on the floor by the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water. He sat down beside me and I offered him my water. He took a few sips and handed it back.

"I'm starving," he groaned. "What do you have in here?" He peered into the fridge. "Vodka and cream cheese? That's a healthy balanced meal, Bella."

I laughed. "Well I wasn't exactly expecting company, in fact I was going to go shopping this week. And the vodka is Rose's, she brought it over one night and never took it home with her. And the cream cheese was for bagels."

"Do you still have any bagels?" he asked hopefully.

I laughed. "Nope, I ate the last one a couple of days ago." He sighed and closed the fridge. "It isn't the end of the world you know. We _can_ go to the store if we have to."

He sighed dramatically again. "No, I'm sorry. But we can't. I've kidnapped you. You're staying here in this room with me. Naked."

"I think there's going to be a problem with that. I think we're going to need food eventually."

His eyes brightened. "I do have a solution for that. They'll still deliver pizza to the dorms, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then we're ordering a pizza." He grinned at me, "Well, if you don't mind that is."

"No, pizza's good. Although I think you'll still have to put on pants. I doubt the delivery guy wants to see your junk."

"You never know."

"True." I said dryly.

"But I promise, I'll be good and put on pants." He made a face. "But you…you are not going to. You're going to stay right here tucked into bed for me."

"Yes, sir." I giggled.

"Mmm, sir…you know I like that." He kissed me.

"Uh, Edward." I protested weakly, "I thought we were going to order pizza." As if on cue my stomach grumbled.

"If you insist. What do you want?"

"I'm not too picky…no green peppers, no anchovies but I like everything else."

"My favorite is artichokes, fresh tomatoes, mushrooms, feta and Italian sausage."

"That sounds fantastic." I batted my eyelashes at him. "Will you call and order?"

"What is your issue with ordering?"

I wrinkled my nose. "I don't know. I just hate doing it." I blinked up at him, widening my eyes.

He sighed, "The Bambi eyes aren't always going to work on me you know."

"Probably not, but I might have another trick or two up my sleeve," I teased him. "Did it work this time?"

"Yes," he admitted. "I'll rescue you from the big bad order."

"Thank you, Edward."

He rolled his eyes. "Anything for you." He leaned back against the couch and I lightly ran my fingers through his hair while he dialed the number. He placed the order with his eyes closed, sounding sleepy and content.

When he hung up I teased him. "They're going to think you were high or something."

"I am," he muttered sleepily. "High on Bella."

"Did you go through withdrawals without me?"

"Yes, you're my own personal brand of heroin." I scratched his scalp lightly and he moaned. "You have no idea how good that feels."

He opened heavy lidded eyes to look at me.

"Well, that was kind of the point. To make you feel good." I smiled at him.

"Mmm, it's working. More please."

I tugged lightly on his hair and his eyes closed again. "You are so fantastic," he said.

"I know."

"I see my modesty has rubbed off on you."

I snorted. "Yes, modesty, that's the word. And rubbed off? You couldn't come up with a less suggestive phrase than that?"

He shrugged. "It wouldn't matter. We both have dirty minds. We can't help but make everything suggestive."

"Probably true," I admitted. "Now what are we going to do until the pizza gets here?"

He looked over at me, suddenly no longer sleepy and relaxed looking. He kissed me, and I lost myself in the feel of him. He pulled off his boxers and kissed his way down my stomach, parting my legs. He nipped the soft flesh of my thigh. "You'll make for a nice appetizer," he teased and I guided his head to my pussy.

"Impatient?" he grinned up at me and I growled.

"Yes." His tongue stroked across my wet flesh and I groaned. "God that feels good."

"I've missed the way you taste," he said huskily before dropping his head to lap at me again.

He slid one finger inside of me as the tip of his tongue wrapped around my clit. I felt my lower body arch up off the bed and I gasped. "Please Edward, I want to feel you inside of me."

He slid up my body and kissed me. Just as he hitched my leg over his hip we were interrupted by a knock on the door. "Stupid pizza guy," Edward muttered, but he buried his face in my chest and didn't move.

"Uh, I think you need to get up and put pants on," I reminded him.

He sighed and stood up. "Are you sure I can't answer the door this way?"

"Quite sure."

"Fine," he grumbled and put them on, without any boxers underneath. "Pants are highly overrated you know."

"But also greatly appreciated sometimes." I slid under the covers and tucked them around me.

He answered the door on the third knock. "Sorry."

"It's ok." I heard the pizza guy say. "Here is your pizza. Hey, I'm really sorry man, but do you have a pen? I left mine in the car."

"Uh, give me one sec." He peered around the divider wall at me. "Hey, Bella, do you have a pen I can use?"

"Sure." I twisted around so I lay on my stomach and reached for the desk. The sheet slipped down exposing my bare back as I rooted around in the drawer for one. "Found one."

I turned and caught the sheet, pulling it around me but not before I saw the shocked pizza guy's face. He had stepped into the room and caught a glimpse of me. He backed quickly away when he saw Edward's face and stammered, "Sorry…I didn't mean to…"

Edward quickly signed the receipt and thrust it at him. "Get the hell out," he growled and slammed the door behind him.

Through the door I could hear the guy call out, "enjoy your pizza!"

Edward tossed the pizza on the mattress next to me and sat down, still scowling. "Did you absolutely have to give the pizza guy a show?"

I laughed. "Well it wasn't on purpose, I didn't know he was going to come further into the room. And I don't think he really saw anything anyway."

"He saw enough."

I rolled my eyes. "You were the one who didn't want me to put clothes on. You're also the one who wanted to answer the door without pants on. And remember me telling you I wasn't into the possessive caveman thing at New Years? That's still true. Lighten up."

He sighed and gave me a half hearted smile. "Sorry, I did kind of overreact."

I nodded. "Alright. Now if you don't mind, I'm starving, so you can hand over the pizza, buddy."

He laughed and handed it to me. "Go for it. I want you well nourished."

I opened the box and grabbed a slice. "And why is that?" I mumbled around a mouthful of hot cheese.

"I have plans for you."

"Good plans?"

"Very good plans." He winked.

It still made me shiver every time he did that. After we finished eating and the leftovers were safely in the fridge he crawled into the bed beside me.

"I think we were rudely interrupted just as we were about to do something."

"Hmm. I don't really remember. What were we doing?"

He gave me a dirty look. "Not funny."

"What isn't?" I asked, widening my eyes innocently.

"Pretending like you can't remember me getting ready to fuck you."

"I think you'll have to refresh my memory."

He pretended to frown at me and grabbed my hips to lift me toward him. He sat back on his heels, his hand lightly stroking across his rapidly hardening cock.

"I like watching you do that."

"You do?" He sounded surprised.

"Mmm, very much." I saw his cock twitch in his hand and I smiled at him. "Keep going."

"But I wanted to fuck you."

"We can always do both."

"Hmm, true. Let me be inside of you first."

"Alright."

He grabbed my hips and pulled me toward him. My legs fell on either side of his hips and I wrapped them around him. He sat up a little and guided his cock into me. I sighed at the feeling, the moment when he first pushed into me was always intensely pleasurable. I'd missed it so much. This time when he fucked me it was quicker, but measured. Deep, even strokes that filled me completely and left me panting.

"Fuck, I'm going to come," I moaned.

I could see him gritting his teeth. "I'm not far off, but I want you to come first."

I reached down to play with my clit and it was enough to send me spiraling over the edge. I came with a loud moan and I felt Edward's body tense as he fought for control. When my orgasm started to subside he pulled out of me and wrapped his hand around his cock.

"Do you want to watch me?" he rasped.

"Yes."

My feet fell to the bed on either side of him but my knees stayed bent and I raised up on my elbows to watch him more closely. His hand stroked up and down the length and swirled over the head, his fingers tightly gripping his hard flesh and I watched him, mesmerized. He gasped and stiffened. "Where do you want me to come?" His voice was strained sounding.

"My tits."

I traced a fingertip across my nipple and as it hardened I saw his eyes go dark with lust. A moment later he came with a groan, his body shuddering against mine as spurts of come fell onto my chest. He collapsed forward, his head resting on my stomach.

"Jesus," he panted. "Fuck Bella, that was..."

I ran my fingers through his hair and he sighed, his breath finally slowing.

"Good?"

"Oh my god." He lifted his head and his eyes were still a little dazed. "That was so fucking hot. I don't even know why, but it was really intense."

"Yeah, it was pretty hot to watch," I admitted.

Once we'd both recovered a little he grabbed tissues to clean us up and he crawled back into the bed beside me. We lay quietly for some time, content to just be together.

After a while he spoke. "Do you have homework this week?"

"Yeah, I need to get some reading done. You?"

"I should work on a paper." He sighed. "Not looking forward to it."

"Mmm, I bet." I turned over to look up at him. "We really should go get your car today."

"I know. But that would require getting out of bed, and putting on pants, and going out in the rain. And I'm sorry. But that's just not allowed today." He grinned at me.

"I just don't want to inconvenience Angela and Ben."

He sighed. "I know. Fine. We'll go."

"Well, maybe I can call and ask if they are ok with us getting it tomorrow." I grabbed my phone and dialed Angela.

"Hey, Bella."

"Hey, Ang. Can I ask you a favor?"

"Sure. Anything."

"Would it be alright if Edward and I got his car tomorrow morning? We're kind of busy this afternoon."

He snaked a hand higher on my thigh and I swatted at it. He grinned and tickled me there. I squirmed away from him and tried to focus on Angela.

"Of course Bella. That's no problem. It's not in the way or anything so you can come get it any time."

"Thank you so much. I really appreciate it."

"So what are you guys up to today?" she asked.

Edward's hand inched higher again and brushed against me.

"Um." I scrambled to come up with a semi-coherent response. "Well, we…"

She laughed. "Never mind, I don't need the details. I think I have a pretty good idea what you two have planned."

"Sorry Ang," I squeaked.

"Hey, no apologies. Have fun with the gorgeous boy in your bed."

I blushed and Edward chuckled.

"Um. I will. I'll see you tomorrow when we come pick up the Volvo."

"Bye, Bella!"

"You are such a trouble maker," I hissed when I ended the call.

"I know." He smiled smugly at me.

"That wasn't a compliment."

"It is to me."

"You're insufferable, you know that?"

"Was that also not a compliment?" he teased me.

"No, it really wasn't." I poked his side. "Alright you punk. You have me here until tomorrow morning…what do you want to do with me?"

With a teasing growl he pounced on me and it wasn't long before he was hard again. Without further foreplay he sank into me. We moved together easily, like we'd never been apart. Our bodies knew each other and we both found our release quickly. After, when we were both flushed and breathing hard Edward collapsed beside me.

"So, I vote we move the mattress to the floor tonight."

"Why?"

"You kept squashing me into the back of the couch last night. Besides, I think it'll be much easier for sex."

"Well in that case…" I grinned at him. "Let's get this mattress on the floor."

I stood up and groaned. "Oh my god Edward. You're killing me."

"What did I do?" He sat up, looking perplexed.

"I am so sore."

He chuckled. "I know, me too. Muscles I didn't even know I had hurt. I am so out of shape."

I glanced at his chest and stomach, his body still lean and the muscles sculpted.

"Yeah, you've really let yourself go."

He laughed. "I mean I'm out of shape for sex. It's been a while you know."

"I know." I looped my arms around his neck and kissed him soundly. "We may not be able to walk by the end of the week."

"I'll risk it."

I stretched and caught him ogling my ass. "What?" I laughed. "What are you staring at?"

"You. Your ass looks spectacular."

"Thanks." I smiled at him, amused by the look on his face. "I've been running a couple of nights a week. It helps with the pent up frustration when you're gone."

"And here I've just been jerking off in the shower all the time…" he joked.

We moved the mattress onto the floor and pushed the frame of the pull out couch back in to give us enough room to maneuver around. After, I managed to talk Edward into letting me get dressed long enough to run down to the front desk and officially check him in as a guest and to get a key to the men's shower room and a temporary parking pass for him.

The rest of the afternoon and evening was spent watching movies, eating cold pizza and of course pleasuring each other. It was with a stupid smile on my face and a thoroughly satisfied body that I went down the hall to take a quick shower and brush my teeth before we went to bed. He did the same and when we slid into bed I breathed his scent in deep. Sated and drowsy I fell asleep in his arms finally feeling like everything was right with my world.


	38. Confusion

**Chapter Thirty Eight: Confusion**

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you mean to me

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you cannot see

You're hiding from feelings, searching for more

Sharing and hoping, untouched for so long

Our lives still change from the way that we were

And now I'll tell you something I think you should know

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you mean to me

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you cannot see

You cause me confusion, you told me you cared

He's calling these changes that last to the end

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies

The past is your present, the future is mine

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you mean to me

You just can't believe me

When I show you what you cannot see

You tell me you need me, I'll make it this time

The thread won't divide us, the sensation survives

I was sure that I told you it was good from the face

You've caused me some problems, you've taken my place

Why can't you see what you mean to me?

-"Confusion" by New Order

* * *

The next morning Edward was once again reluctant to get out of bed.

"I don't want to get up," he whined, "I wanna stay in bed with you."

I chuckled. "Come on, hot stuff. If you get your ass out of bed and to Angela's, we can go back to bed when we're done."

He brightened. "You have yourself a deal." He smacked my ass and got up to shower and dress. I rolled my eyes and made my way to the girl's shower room. I missed being able to take showers with him, but I didn't exactly feel comfortable sneaking him into the showers, as tempting as the idea was. I showered quickly and went back to the room. He was wrapped in nothing but a towel, water dripping from his hair and down over his chest when I opened the door. I nearly dropped the shower caddy I was carrying when I saw him.

"I think I'm about to make us late to Ang's." I shut the door behind me and gently pushed him back onto the mattress.

"I am totally ok with that," Edward said hoarsely.

I straddled him and leaned down to kiss him. His hands slid up under my robe and cupped my ass.

"What the hell got you so worked up?"

"Thinking about you."

"Not that I'm complaining…" he said hoarsely. I rocked against him, feeling his cock slide against my wet, sensitive skin. "Uhhh, Bella. You're killing me," he groaned.

I nipped at the skin on his neck with my teeth and ground down against him harder. He moaned again and I laughed throatily. "No, but now I am."

I reached down and lightly stroked his cock. It was already hard and I positioned myself over him. I lowered myself onto him and we both groaned.

"Fuck, you feel good."

"You do too," I said breathlessly.

I rocked over him, my head thrown back with pleasure as he sat up and pulled my legs forward a little bit. He leaned down and nudged my robe away from my nipple and took it in his mouth. He sucked at it gently at first before gently dragging his teeth across the tip. I cried out and shuddered against him. He did the same with the other and suddenly needy and desperate I pushed him flat against the mattress again so I could ride him harder. He fell back with a groan and I braced myself against his chest, leaning forward, my hair hanging down between us as I fucked him harder.

"I'm gonna come," I gasped and his fingers tightened on my hips to force we down harder against him. I came with a strangled cry, my thighs tightening against his sides and his fingers dug into my hip as he bucked up against me. I shuddered over him as the pleasure became overwhelming for both of us. I collapsed forward onto his chest, breathing heavily. Edward's hands slid up and down my arms in slow rhythmic strokes and he kissed the side of my head. He let out a low purring sound of contentment and I smiled against his shoulder. I loved knowing how happy I made him.

When we were dressed we headed out. It was raining heavily and I had forgotten an umbrella. Parking on campus was scarce and most days I parked in the commuter lot and walked everywhere. Unfortunately it was a bit of a hike and both of us were soaked by the time we made it to my truck.

"This is ridiculous," I laughed.

"I know. That's one good thing about Rome. The weather is so amazing. None of this…"

He gestured to the rain pouring down outside the truck. I dug out a towel I kept behind the seats and handed it to Edward so he could dry himself. I started the truck and we sat there for a few minutes. He rubbed the towel gently across my skin and soaked up the water in my hair. I turned the heat up as soon as the truck was warm enough and we sat there for a few minutes, Edward's arm wrapped around my waist, his cheek resting against the top of my head.

"I kind of like the rain right now," I said softly.

"Yeah, me too. I like this. Tell me I don't have to go back to Italy," he murmured.

"I can tell you that, but I'd be lying."

He sighed. "I know."

I wound my fingers through his and squeezed before sitting up and putting my seatbelt on.

"Let's get to Angela's, so we can get back to the dorm."

"Back to bed?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes. Back to bed."

As much as I liked to tease him about it, I felt the same way. I liked being alone with him, liked feeling his skin against mine.

"I like it too," I said softly and I squeezed his hand again.

I held it as I drove, even though it was awkward to shift. He smiled at me, and though neither of us said anything else, it was reassuring. When we got to Ben and Angela's place, we both made a mad dash for the front door. When she opened it, we nearly fell inside trying to get out of the rain. She laughed at us as we stood dripping in the entryway.

"You guys didn't have to come in; you could have just grabbed the car and left."

"I wanted to let you know we were here and say thanks. I really appreciate it."

"Oh, it's no trouble. I was glad we could help. It's nice to see you again, Edward. I didn't really get a chance to talk to you much at the party."

"It's nice to see you too." He smiled at Angela and I saw her breathing falter for just a second.

He had that effect on everyone, but for a moment I was very glad that I knew Angela was happy with Ben.

"I was just about to head out for work," she said apologetically.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were keeping you."

"It's alright." She smiled at me. "I have plenty of time, but I should head out soon."

"Thanks again." I hugged her and we said our goodbyes. We got into our respective vehicles and Edward followed me to the lot on campus. The rain had let up a little and I parked and hopped into his Volvo.

"You should be able to park fairly close to the dorm. I got you a temporary parking pass yesterday when I got the shower key." I pulled it out of my purse and stuck it on the inside of the windshield. "Do you want to head back in now?"

"Yes, although I wouldn't mind getting coffee first, if that's ok with you."

"Coffee sounds great." I smiled at him. "The Union coffee shop maybe?"

"Sure." We ran from the car into the building, and laughed when our shoes made squelching noises on the tiles.

"A caramel latte and…uh, a double mocha latte, right?" I looked up at Edward when I placed the order.

"You remembered." He looked pleased.

"I did."

"You got a vanilla latte last time, didn't you?" he asked.

"Yeah, it just depends on my mood."

When they were ready I sprinkled a little bit of cinnamon and nutmeg on top. "Do you want to go sit by the fire for a few minutes?" I asked.

"Sure, that sounds good."

We curled up in the oversized chair right in front of the fire and I rested my head on Edward's shoulder. To any outside observer, we looked like a typical couple in love. My heart jumped at the thought. Did I want that with Edward? Oh god, I did, so much. Except…there was Italy, and Claire and the fear that I couldn't quite seem to push away. I closed my eyes for a moment, willing it all away.

"Do you want to try my coffee?" he asked.

"Sure." I handed him my cup and took a sip of his. It was dark and rich and very strong.

"Wow. That packs a wallop."

"I know." He laughed. "It's gotten me through an awful lot of late night studying. Being in Italy hasn't exactly helped either. I pretty much drink espresso every morning." He took a sip of my latte and smiled. "I like this. It's a lot sweeter than what I normally get, but it reminds me of the pumpkin pie we made."

I nodded. "They have a ridiculously good Pumpkin Spice Latte in the fall, from mid October through Thanksgiving."

"That sounds good." He handed my drink back and we finished them in silence. I stretched and rested my head on his shoulder again.

"As much as I want to get back to bed, I'm not sure I want to brave the rain."

"Me either," he admitted. "But the sooner we get back, the sooner it's over."

I knew that he was talking about the rain, but I couldn't help but think that it was true of the week we had together as well. Every moment that ticked by was one moment closer to him leaving again.

"Alright," I sighed and stood up, and he took my hand as we walked to the door.

"Wait here, ok? I'll bring the car right up to the door."

"You don't have to."

"I know. But I want to."

I nodded and stood just inside the door as he ran out into the rain. The feelings I had for him were overwhelming. I could see us together, as a couple. We were so close, the only thing that stood in the way were the words neither of us could manage to say. I could see them in his eyes when he looked at me, feel them on his lips when he kissed me. So close. And now, there was Claire too. My stomach churned and I felt my eyes blur over with tears as I watched for Edward's car. I ran out into the rain when I saw him and he opened the door from the inside so I could slide in quickly.

"Thank you," I gasped.

It was pouring again, even harder than it had been raining earlier in the day. I wiped at my eyes, glad the rain disguised my tears.

"While we're out, do you want to get food?" Edward asked.

"Sure, might as well."

He drove to the nearest store and parked. When we walked in, completely drenched from the rain, Edward's arm was around me and I saw several girls shoot me an envious glance. He let go of me long enough to grab a shopping cart and for some reason the idea of him pushing a cart struck me as very funny and I started laughing.

He glanced at me with one eyebrow raised. "What's so funny?"

Between giggles, I managed to say, "I dunno, the idea of you grocery shopping is funny to me. It just seem so…normal."

"Are you saying I'm abnormal?"

"Maybe." I snickered, "I don't know, it just seems like you have this charmed life…a nice house, trips to Italy…groceries should just magically appear for you or something."

He laughed. "I'm afraid not. Food has to get to my house some way and unfortunately, it doesn't just magically appear. You know I can't rely on Jasper or Emmett. In fact, I really wonder how they're surviving without me. It was dismal enough when I was there but really busy."

It was probably the most fun I'd ever had shopping. We snuck kisses as we walked down the aisles and he kept tossing things into the cart and I had to remind him that there was only so much room for me to store things and that my fridge was very small.

"But I'm not letting you leave again while I'm here," he said. "I'm locking both of us in the room and you're going to need food to keep up your stamina."

A girl walking by shot me an amused glance. Apparently she'd overheard him. He grinned at her and winked and she turned red. Once she had moved on to the next aisle he leaned over and whispered to me, "You know…I've decided that no one else is nearly as cute as you are when they blush."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "I think you're biased."

"That's true, I am completely biased. I'm crazy about you."

He leaned down to kiss me and despite the fact that we were in the middle of the aisle of the grocery store, I completely forget where we were. We finally broke apart when we heard someone clear their throat. I blushed and Edward looked amused. It was an older couple and the gentleman had been the one clearing his throat; he smiled at us and the little old lady smiled too, her eyes twinkling.

"Ahh, young love," she said. "You two are just the cutest couple."

I felt awkward and wasn't sure what to say but Edward just turned his dazzling smile on her and said, "Yep, I'm completely smitten."

She patted his hand where it was still resting on the handle of the shopping cart and said, "Well I can see that my dear. We only interrupted because your ice cream is melting."

I glanced down and sure enough there was ice cream dripping from the carton.

"Thank you ma'am," he said and the couple moved on.

We hurriedly moved the rest of the way down the aisle and let the employee stocking shelves know about the ice cream puddle on the floor.

"Ma'am, huh?" I teased him.

"Yes, Esme raised me to be polite to elderly ladies."

I laughed. "Apparently."

For a moment I pictured Edward and I as the couple, still holding hands while we went grocery shopping after forty or fifty years together. I shook my head, reminding myself not to assume anything and that I was going to have to work up the nerve eventually to figure out what was going on between us.

He dazzled the checkout girl who kept dropping the food as she tried to scan it. I moved closer to him, sliding my hand into his back pocket as he wrapped an arm around me. Apparently even I had my possessive moments when it came to Edward. She scowled at me, but continued without dropping anything else. Edward carried the bags, despite my protests, and we were back at the dorms in no time.

After we changed into warm, dry clothes I ran our wet clothes down to the dryer in the basement. When I got back to the room Edward was unpacking the bags.

"You still like honey walnut cream cheese, I see," Edward commented as he took the container out of the bag and put it in my fridge.

"Still?"

"Yeah, don't you remember? That's what you got at the bagel place that first morning the two of us hung out."

"You remember that?"

"Of course I do. I remember everything about that day. You had on that red sweater and dark jeans and you looked so fucking hot. And when I caught you when you slipped on the ice, I wanted to kiss you so badly."

I gaped at him. "Really?"

"Yes really." He pulled me closed and kissed the top of my head. "You were completely irresistible."

I grinned. "Well obviously not. It was months before you did anything."

"True. I was trying to work up the courage."

" _You_ didn't have the courage to kiss _me_?"

He shrugged. "I couldn't tell if you were interested in me. You seemed very…indifferent most of the time. The only time I thought you might be feeling it too was the night of the poker party."

I nodded. "Yeah, I kept trying to deny it. But I could definitely feel it then. I hated it that you went upstairs with Rosie after."

He looked at me, surprised. "Really?"

"Really. I was drunk enough that night to admit to myself that I wanted it to be me."

"You with Rosalie?"

I rolled my eyes. "No, with you."

"If it's any consolation, I wanted it to be you too, you know that. And actually, she and I got in an argument that night."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she started getting all weird and insecure about things. Truthfully, that night was pretty much the end of things between us."

"Hmm."

"Hmm what?"

"Just hmm. I didn't realize that. Was it because of me?"

"A lot of it was. I wasn't that interested in her anymore because of you and she pushed and I pulled away."

I shook my head. "I just can't believe how oblivious I was."

"To what?"

"To you even being interested in me, to your and Rosalie's issues…I was in my own little world, I guess. Her graduation party definitely changed that though."

Edward laughed. "I would hope so. I was so nervous though. I really had no idea how you'd react to me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it seemed like it was equally likely that you'd either be interested or punch me for trying something."

I laughed. "It never really crossed my mind to say no to you. I just couldn't seem to understand why you even bothered with me."

He shook his head. "How do you not see it? I think you're beautiful and smart and interesting..."

I felt a thrill run through my body at those words.

"I believe it that you think I am all of those things. I'm not sure that I agree with you and sometimes I question if maybe you're a little bit touched in the head."

He threw his head back and laughed. "Touched in the head huh?"

"Yes."

"Well, I suppose that's always a possibility. But I am sure hundreds of other people would back me up on how incredible you are."

"I'll take your word for it."

"Good, because I really don't like the idea of hundreds of other people falling for you too."

 _Too? What did that mean? That he'd fallen for me, as in, fallen in love with me?_ I wondered.

My heart sped up in my chest and I swallowed hard wondering if we were really going to have that conversation over groceries. I turned away from him to put a box of cereal on the shelves and I saw him frown out of the corner of my eye. It was awkward between us suddenly.

"Well you don't have to worry about that," I said lightly as I turned to smile at him. "You're the only one I know of who seems to be suffering from that particular delusion."

He smiled, but his eyes looked a little sad. "Oh, I don't know, Claire seemed pretty interested in you."

I shrugged, trying to feign nonchalance. "I guess."

"Where do you want it to go?"

"Where do I want what to go?"

"Things with Claire."

 _Fuck, he knew me too well,_ I thought. _Apparently he had seen something between Claire and I at the party, or maybe it had just been the way I'd spoken about her over the past couple of months._

I sighed. "I don't know. I know I like her a lot as a friend, and I'm attracted to her, but beyond that… I don't really have a clue. And the situation she's in is complicated."

"How so?" Edward's lips were drawn tight and he looked…worried. I wanted to reassure him that he had nothing to worry about, but I wondered if that would be entirely the truth.

"There's a guy she's in love with but he won't date her because he's good friends with her brother."

"Does he care for her?"

"Yes."

"He's an idiot then."

"Probably. But as far as things go between Claire and I, I highly doubt that anything will happen. I don't really even know how far her interest in girls goes." I shrugged. Edward nodded, but he didn't look convinced. "Look, it really isn't that big of a deal. Let's just enjoy the rest of this week. I don't want to waste the time we have together."

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "Alright. What do you want to do tonight?"

"We could go to a movie."

He nodded. "That sounds good. What do you want to see?"

I shrugged, not really caring. "We could just go and see what's showing."

"Ok." He grabbed his coat from the hook and shrugged it on. "Let's head out then."

The drive to the theater was quiet and he seemed lost in thought. I reached over to squeeze his thigh and he turned to look at me. He smiled faintly but didn't say anything. When we were settled in our seats with popcorn he relaxed a little. He lifted up the armrest between us, and slid his arm around my shoulders. I rested my head on his shoulder and our bodies relaxed into each other as usual. We sat like that for quite a while.

Partway into the movie he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "This movie is awful."

I snickered quietly and nodded. "We could always do something else to keep us occupied," I suggested.

He raised his eyebrows at me.

"Hey, you promised that as long as I was sober you were up for public friskiness," I reminded.

"That's true. What did you have in mind?"

I grinned wickedly at him and slid my hand higher on his thigh. He glanced around but the theater was mostly deserted and there was no one sitting behind us.

He shook his head. "You're trouble."

"You like it."

"That's true," he admitted.

I placed a hand on his already hard cock and I looked up and grinned at him. He grinned back and shrugged. "That's what you do to me," he whispered.

I teased him for a little while, gently dragging my fingers along his denim covered cock. He shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable. I quietly unbuttoned his pants, grateful that he had on pants with a button fly, instead of a zipper. He gasped when my fingers wrapped around his bare cock.

"Shit, Bella," he whispered through clenched teeth.

I smiled at him and stroked my hand up and down his length. I rubbed my thumb over the tip, swirling around the pre-cum that was leaking from the slit. I slid my hand up and down again, grasping him more firmly. His hips jerked under my touch and I saw him bite his lip to hold back a moan. I could hear him breathing heavily, and I watched him as I stroked his cock. His fist tightened on his thigh, gripping the fabric there as he struggled to keep his control. I desperately wanted him to break, to make him lose it completely. I glanced around quickly, making sure that no one was looking, and I dropped my head to wrap my lips around his cock.

He gasped and his fingers closed around my head, tangling in my hair.

"What are you doing?" he hissed.

I didn't answer, just slid him in and out of my mouth. He held his hands still for a moment as if warring with himself. But when I swirled my tongue around the head his hands tightened on me, guiding me to continue. It wasn't long before his hips thrust upward at me and his fingers tightened on my skull. I heard him gasp and felt him shudder beneath me.

"Bella," he whispered in warning and I sucked harder.

He came hard, spurting into my mouth and I swallowed it, knowing he'd be able to feel my mouth tightening and relaxing around his cock. I licked his cock clean, feeling it twitch under my tongue. I released him slowly and hesitated before I sat up, wondering if someone was looking at us.

"It's clear," Edward whispered and I smiled, wondering if he could read my mind.

I sat up and he tucked his cock back into his pants, buttoning the fly. His head fell back against the seat and he took a deep breath before turning to look at me. In the dim light from the movie I could see his face. He smiled at me, eyes crinkling around the corners, a sated, almost drowsy look on his face.

"Thank you," he mouthed at me and I smiled back.

He held out his arms and I curled up against him, my head on his chest. I could feel his heart racing beneath my head and I slipped my hand under his shirt letting my hand graze over his stomach and chest, rubbing soothing circles against the warm bare skin. He placed a kiss on the top of my head and I closed my eyes, savoring the feel of him. The movie was nearly over and just a few minutes later the credits came up. I sat up and stretched, noticing the way his eyes lingered on my chest. I was still feeling keyed up from the rush of adrenaline our fooling around had caused.

I dragged my hard nipples across his arm as we left the theater and he pulled me close to whisper in my ear, "you are such a trouble-maker tonight."

"Mmhmm." I grinned at him and he shook his head at me.

"You know, I can't believe you did that." He laughed, his arm slung around my shoulder as we walked back to his car.

"I've always wanted to do something like that," I admitted.

I stretched up to kiss the smooth skin of his jaw. It was awkward, my shoulder jostled his chest, but he turned to me and smiled. When we were at the car he pinned me to the passenger side and kissed me until the only thing keeping me standing was his body against mine. When he stepped away my knees buckled and he laughed, catching me around the waist.

"That good, huh?" His voice was smug sounding.

"Damn you, Edward Cullen," I muttered as I shakily got in the car. We weren't more than a few minutes down the road when he spoke.

"Unbutton your jeans and put your feet up on the dashboard." His voice was stern and hard sounding.

"What?"

"You heard me."

I turned to look at him and he was staring straight ahead, jaw set. But I could see the amusement in his eyes and the corner of his lips and I hastily followed his instructions when it occurred to me what he wanted. He moved a hand to my pants and worked his fingers under the fabric. I was soaked. I sighed as his fingers touched me, parting my folds.

"Did it turn you on to suck me off in the theater?" he asked.

"Yes," I moaned.

"Knowing that we could get caught?"

"Yes. I liked the thought that someone would know what we were doing."

"Me too."

His fingers delved deeper and I moaned. When his fingers moved back up to my clit I gripped the armrest of the door.

"Tell me how it feels."

"So good," I gasped. "I'm so turned on right now."

"Tell me what you want." His fingers slid over my clit and inside of me before returning to my clit.

"I want your cock inside of me."

He chuckled. "I'm afraid that's just not possible while I'm driving."

"Then pull over," I gasped.

"No, I want you to get off on my fingers. Tell me what to do."

I shuddered and pressed his hand harder into me until two of his fingers were inside of me and the heel of his hand was pushed hard against my clit. I moaned loudly and my head fell back against the headrest. I panted as he slid in and out of me and my eyes fluttered closed. When they opened again a moment later I noticed that we had pulled up to a stoplight and there was a truck pulled up next to us. The driver was slack jawed, staring at us as Edward's fingers worked feverishly to make me come.

"Fuck. Someone's watching," I hissed, turning to him and attempting to stop his hand with my own. He glanced over at the guy.

"Let him. I want him to see the way you come for me."

I gasped and did just that as his fingers made a sudden deep thrust into my aching wetness. My legs clamped together as my nails dug into the skin of his forearm and I shuddered against him. The light changed and we pulled forward, leaving the startled driver beside us in our wake. When my orgasm subsided I relaxed my legs and took a deep breath.

"Wow..."

"Yes."

Edward looked a little stunned himself. He slid his hand out from my pants and held it up. His fingers were dripping with my arousal and I grabbed his wrist and brought it to my mouth. I licked his fingers clean, sucking each one slowly in and out of my mouth. My tongue traced over his palm and he let out a strangled moan.

When we got back to the dorm I fumbled for the door and barely had a chance to get it closed before he pulled off my shirt.

"I need you, right now," he panted and let his hands drop. We both hurriedly undressed ourselves. I stood naked in front of him, panting with an overwhelming need for him. "On all fours. Now." He pointed at the floor and I knelt immediately. He moved quick behind me and he slammed into me without any further foreplay. I moaned loudly, my inner muscles already beginning to tighten around him in pleasure.

"Shit, Bella," he gasped.

"Me too," I panted and my head dropped to the floor, going down on my forearms. I felt his hands tighten on my hips and he fucked me hard. I nearly howled with pleasure when he gripped my hair in his fist and tugged. It was raw and primal and incredibly intense.

"Fucking come for me, Bella," he snarled.

My body shivered and clenched and shuddered around him and I came with an embarrassingly loud moan. He slammed into me just a few more times before he shouted my name and spilled inside of me. We collapsed onto the floor, panting heavily. The tile on the floor was cold on my bare skin but I didn't have the energy to move. We laid there for a few minutes before Edward crawled over to the mattress, tugging me with him. I curled up in his arms, exhausted and blissful. Edwards lips trailed over my forehead gently, a sharp contrast to the rough and demanding lover he'd been just a few minutes before. Our skin was damp from exertion and I shivered when a cool breeze blew over us. He pulled the sheet and blanket up and tucked it around us. I rolled over and he fitted his body against mine, his nose nuzzling the back of my neck as we drifted off to sleep. Whatever awkwardness had been between us earlier was gone.

It might not have been easy for either of us to talk about how we felt or what we wanted from each other, but this…this we were good at.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Hot enough for you?
> 
> -And what did you think of the conversation about Claire?


	39. Clementine

**Chapter Thirty Nine: Clementine**

If tomorrow's sun doesn't shine

If no creatures stir in the morning time

If the clouds go still in the sky

And the days roll in and pass us by

I will ride your elevator

We'll stay out 'til it is later

If tomorrow's sun doesn't shine

At least I'll have my Clementine

If tomorrow's moon doesn't show

If our dreams go lost in the winter snow

And the flowers wither and die

And the waterfalls run low and dry

Will you meet me in the garden

We'll say 'please' and 'beg your pardon'

If tomorrow's sun doesn't shine

At least I'll have my Clementine

There's a place that nobody knows

There's a packing up of a summer clothes

In the lazy days of my mind

You've always been my Clementine

Clementine

-"Clementine" by Pink Martini

* * *

In the morning, I realized that we had left our clothes in the dryer and I hurried downstairs to see if they were still there. Thankfully, someone had carefully put them on the folding table beside the dryer and I hastily scooped them up and carried them back up to the room. Edward was getting dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt when I got back.

"Are you heading out?" I asked, trying to keep the panic from creeping into my voice at the thought of him leaving.

"Just for a little bit."

"Oh, ok. Want me to come with you?"

"Nah, just something I have to get done. I won't be gone too long though."

"Alright." I was puzzled by his secrecy, but not particularly worried. I kissed him goodbye and then went to take a shower.

I was lying on my stomach eating a Clementine when Edward came back in the room. The mattress was still on the floor and I'd grabbed a book to read while I waited for him to get back from his mysterious errand. I heard the door open and in a slightly hoarse voice he said, "God, that's hot."

I turned to look at him over my shoulder and laughed. "What is?"

"You."

He shut the door firmly behind him and dropped the bag that he was carrying. He kicked off his shoes and shrugged out of his jacket. All the while his eyes never left my ass. I wiggled it slightly at him and he growled.

"That's quite an outfit, Bella."

He leaned against the door frame between the entryway and the room and I peered at him over my shoulder. His eyes were dark and intense looking and he had an almost predatory look on his face. I felt wetness gather between my thighs and I squirmed a little on the bed.

"Thanks."

I glanced down and then back up at him. It really wasn't anything that spectacular. I had on a blue tank top and boyshorts. He slipped his shirt off and unbuttoned his pants, his eyes never leaving my body. When he was naked he stood there for a moment, staring at me.

"I want to lick every single inch of you," Edward rasped and walked forward, dropping to his knees onto the mattress behind me.

He trailed kisses down my back, his lips teasing the sensitive skin along my spine. I shivered, goose bumps forming on my skin. His hand slipped under my tank top to tease my nipples into hardness. I moaned, my head falling forward onto the pillow below me as he gently rolled them between his fingers.

"Does that feel good, Bella?" he asked, tracing his tongue up my neck.

"Yes," I breathed.

He slipped the shirt off, baring my entire back. His lips continued to tease me and I squirmed under him. He kissed and licked his way up and down my spine and I writhed under him, panting with need.

"Am I making you wet?" he asked, sitting up to slip the boy shorts down my legs. His warm body covered mine and my legs fell apart, opening as he pushed himself into me. "Mmm, you are wet," he purred in my ear.

My forehead pressed down against the pillow below me and my hand lay limp on the plate, food forgotten. He gently pushed my legs together with his thighs and I gasped at the way it changed the angle of where he thrust inside me. He moved slowly in me and picked up a piece of the fruit, trailing it down my shoulder, his lips licking and sucking the juice it left in its wake. My hips squirmed on the mattress below me, wanting more, but he held me pinned. His hips rolled against mine in slow, even, teasing strokes. He took another piece of the fruit, eating it from the crook of my neck and juice dripped down my shoulder, trickling across the top of my breast. His teeth nipped at the skin on my neck and I moaned loudly.

"Do you like that?" he asked roughly.

"Yes, more," I begged.

He shifted a little until his left arm curved around my hip and his fingers pressed against my clit. I moaned and arched into him. His body was heavy against mine, pushing me down to the bed. His thrusts sped up just a small amount but it was enough to set me on fire. The angle was deep and I could feel myself start to clench around him. He picked up another clementine and brought it to my lips. I ate it from his fingers, the taste exploding in my mouth just as my orgasm hit. He slid two fingers across my clit and I bucked hard against him. Pinned to the mattress all I could do was come apart under him, shuddering and shaking when he bit lightly at my neck.

I came for a long time and when I finally calmed we lay there for a while breathing heavily.

Eventually I sighed and stirred. He rolled to the side and I turned over, my muscles weak and shaky. He kissed me on the lips and then made his way down, flicking his tongue against my nipple. He took another slice of Clementine and bit into it, letting the juices drip over my breasts. His tongue followed the liquid across my skin. He brought it lower, to pool in my navel and then lick it away. And then lower still to brush against my clit. I was still sensitive and I moaned at the feeling. His tongue slid into me, licking and sucking and devouring me. I gripped his hair, holding him hard against me, my hips writhing as I got close. His tongue dipped in and out of me, my inner walls tightening at the feeling. He lifted my hips, spreading my legs wider and burying his face further into me.

"Edward," I gasped, clawing at his hair, desperate and needy. I was so aroused it was almost painful but he held me still. Just as I was reaching the limit of what I could take he moved his head to scrape his teeth lightly across my clit.

I cried out and my shoulders lifted from the mattress until my body was curled up and around him, fingers still gripping his hair. When my orgasm subsided I fell back onto the pillow, completely spent. "Oh my god," I panted. "You're killing me."

He moved until he was lying beside me and kissed my forehead. "But what a way to go," he chuckled.

"True. I would offer to reciprocate but I'm dead."

"It's fine." Edward smirked at me and dragged a finger down my stomach. "You know, I officially have a new favorite food."

I squirmed at his touch and laughed. "I think I do too. You know I'm never going to see a Clementine again without blushing, right?"

"That was kind of my goal."

"Devious boy."

"Mmm, you know it."

I stretched, feeling languid and sated. "I have no motivation to do anything else today," I sighed.

"Yeah, me either."

"So what did you go out to do earlier?" I asked, turning to smile up at him.

"Not much, just made a trip to the music building to get something."

"Can I ask what it was?"

"You can ask, but I won't answer you." He kissed me on the forehead and I sighed.

"You're no fun."

"Liar."

He smiled at me when I rolled my eyes at him. I took a quick shower to get rid of the Clementine juice and we spent the rest of the afternoon in bed. I read a few chapters for Geology and Edward typed his paper for his Music History class.

When we were both fed up with school work we tossed the books aside and I curled up with my head on his shoulder. The late afternoon sunlight streamed in the window and I lazily traced circles on his stomach under the soft cotton of his tshirt.

"If you keep that up, I'll either fall asleep, or attack you," he murmured, his voice lazy and relaxed sounding.

"Either or?"

"Mmm, it's very soothing, but I have a hard time not getting turned on when you touch me."

I looked up at his heavy lidded eyes and smiled. There was something feline about Edward when he was relaxed. A lazy, lounging contentment, with the air of barely restrained action lurking just under the surface. I stopped moving my fingers and he frowned at me, too content to even open his eyes.

"I didn't say stop."

"I know, just trying to decide if I should nap or suck your cock."

His eyes flew open and he grinned. "You know which I'd rather you pick."

"The nap, right?"

He flipped me over onto my back and scowled at me. "No, not the nap. Tease."

He tugged at my camisole and for the second time that day it was thrown to the floor. He took a while, exploring my shoulders and neck and down to my rapidly tightening nipples with an unhurried thoroughness. When he moved down my stomach, trailing soft kisses over my bellybutton I shivered.

"That's not really how a blowjob works," I teased him.

"Mmm, don't care. I'd rather taste you."

"Unhhh," I moaned quietly.

"You like that?" He slipped his fingers under my boy shorts and pulled them down my legs and they quickly joined my camisole on the floor for the second time that day.

"You know I do."

He didn't spend a lot of time teasing me, just licked my pussy like he was a desperate to make me come. As always, it felt incredible but I wanted him inside of me more. I tugged at him and he looked up at me.

"I want you inside me," I begged and he slid up my body without complaint. He pressed against me and slid in easily. I wrapped my legs around his hips and he moved slowly and evenly inside of me.

"How do you always feel so good?" he said softly.

It was a rhetorical question and I was too caught up in staring at him to reply. His eyes closed, and his lashes were long and dark against his cheeks. For a moment, I didn't think about the way he felt inside of me. Only of the beauty of his face, the soft flush on his cheeks, the way the sunlight streaming in the window made his hair glow. His normally pale skin was washed with warm light and even the fine hairs along his jawbone shone with a reddish hue. I vaguely wondered what I looked like in the light, if it tinted my skin a warm shade like his, if my hair shone with a chestnut gleam instead of the usual dark brown. His eyes opened slowly and he looked down at me, a soft smile lifting the corner of his lips. His pupils shrank to pinpoints in the light and the iris was a green-gold. I'd never entirely get used to the shifting kaleidoscope of colors, but I found it fascinating.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

I nodded, realizing I had stopped moving with him. He stilled too and his hand moved from where it lay alongside my waist and his elbow moved up and came to rest on the pillow beside my head. His thumb grazed my temple and he smiled again. The movement made the corners of his eyes crinkle and a faint line formed alongside his mouth.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Just okay?"

I laughed softly. "More than okay, I just got caught up in looking at you."

"What's the consensus?"

"Still the prettiest boy I know."

He chuckled and it rumbled through his chest and into mine where they were pressed tightly together. "You're silly. My silly girl."

He dropped his head and kissed me softly. His head tilted to the side and our lips moved gently together, his nose rubbing alongside mine. _His girl._ Oh, the way that made my heart race was unbelievable. It was mostly pleasure, although there was still a thread of fear running through my mind at the idea. There was no denying that a large portion of me liked hearing it though.

"Yeah," I breathed.

He moved again, and that time I was there with him. My hips shifted restlessly and I wrapped my legs around his, needing the deep, even, slow movements he was making. It was sweet torture and I traced my fingers across the muscles of his back, clutching him to me.

"Please beautiful, come with me," he pleaded.

We rocked together and it was so intense I nearly cried, feeling his body against mine. Eventually I closed my eyes, consumed by the sweet give and take. The way my wet flesh welcomed him when he slid forward and the way it clung to him when he moved back. I clenched around him, shuddering, shaking, crying out, my hands buried in his hair. I felt dazed with the pleasure, mindless and incoherent. He was still very much in control when he spilled inside of me, calling out my name. When it was over he rolled us to the side and pressed his lips to my forehead.

We lay there, half on our sides, refusing to stop touching each other, even for a moment. The tips of his fingers traced along the sensitive skin of my shoulder blade and down my spine. Mine moved along his collarbone, over the top of his shoulder, down his arm. I wanted to freeze the moment, keep us cocooned in the quiet stillness of my room, the warm sun spilling across our bodies. I wanted him inside of me, wrapped around me, as connected as we could be. The moment was perfect, and I fell just a little further in love with him and with the idea of us. In that moment there was no study abroad program, no Claire, no doubts or confusion, nothing but warm, sweet, heady love.

But all moments eventually come to an end. Edward's stomach loudly growling interrupted us, and we both laughed and pulled apart to dress.

"Hungry I take it?"

"Well, all I've had to eat today are clementines and Bella."

I laughed. "Not very filling then."

"But delicious."

I moaned quietly, remembering the feel of his tongue between my legs. When I finally snapped out of it he smirked at me and I rolled my eyes. "What do you want for dinner?"

"Bella." He grinned.

"Would you settle for me for dessert?" I teased him.

"Yes, I suppose."

"So what do you want?" I asked.

"Soup I think."

"What kind?"

"Hmm, clam chowder?"

"Damn it, that's the one I wanted," I complained.

We haggled over who got the clam chowder for a while but when my stomach rumbled I finally relented. "Minestrone is good too I guess."

He laughed. "We can share."

We heated the soup and ate big bowls with crusty chewy bread. He fed me spoons of his chowder and I couldn't help but think how perfect all of this was. The cramped little dorm room, the soup from a can, they didn't matter. I was just so happy to be with Edward.

**~BC~**

That night we watched a movie, naked in bed. For once we didn't get distracted by sex, content to just be together.

"This is nice," Edward murmured when it had finished.

"Yeah." I turned over to face him. "I've noticed you've gotten a lot better at doing nothing."

He laughed. "Mmm, only with you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I don't feel like I'm wasting time. This is doing something."

"What? Doing me?"

He laughed again and rolled me onto my back. "No, although I do like doing you." He grinned. "Seriously though, I feel like our time together is important. I know it makes me feel better."

"Me too." I kissed him, wanting so much to tell him how I felt about him.

"And I know I sleep better with you." He sighed. "I've been sleeping like crap in Italy."

"You sure it's not all the espresso and gorgeous Italian girls?"

"The espresso maybe. There are no gorgeous Italian girls." I raised an eyebrow at him and he laughed. "Okay, I'm sure there are, but I haven't been paying any attention to them. You know that. Or at least you should. I meant what I said last summer."

"What was that?"

"That if I wanted to be with someone else I'd tell you."

"I know. I was just teasing," I said, feeling awkward and uncomfortable all of a sudden. I went to roll away from him but he wouldn't let me go.

"Bella." I looked up at him and was mesmerized by the warm golden green color of his eyes. His thumb stroked across my cheek. "Your lips are the ones I want to kiss." He brushed his lips lightly across mine.

"Your smell is the only smell that makes me feel this way." His nose nuzzled into the crook of my neck.

His hands slid to cover my breasts and his thumb rubbed gently over the nipples. "Your breasts are the only ones my hands long for."

I moaned quietly as his mouth trailed kisses down my body to the apex of my thighs. "Your taste is the only one I want on my lips." He spoke with his mouth just inches from my arousal and I held my breath in heady anticipation. My legs parted and he gently touched his lips to me. He traced my folds with his tongue, worshiping me. I panted beneath his touch, needy and aching for him.

He slid back up my body and he wrapped his arms around me and just as he slid inside of me he whispered, "Your body is the only one I need to be inside of."

I came, as much from his words and the fervent promise in them as from the feeling of him inside of me. I came with a muffled groan against his shoulder and he came just as hard a few moments later, his mouth against mine.

He fell asleep before me and I lay there, sick with guilt. I cried silently into the pillow, not wanting him to hear me. I felt like every time I thought of Claire I was betraying Edward. He had just told me how much he desired me, and that I was the only one, and yet I couldn't say the same to him. I didn't deserve him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bella is finally starting to realize just how much he loves her. I know it's slow progress, but she is getting there.
> 
> -What did you think of the chapter? It's one of my very favorites.


	40. First Taste

**Chapter Forty: First Taste**

I lie in an early bed

Thinking late thoughts

Waiting for the black

To replace my blue

I do not struggle

In your web

Because it was my

Aim to get caught

But daddy longlegs

I feel that I'm finally

Growing weary

Of waiting to be

Consumed by you

Give me the first taste

Let it begin

Heaven cannot wait forever

Darling, just start the chase

I'll let you win

But you must

Make the endeavour

Oh, your love gives

Me a heart confusion

Adagio breezes fill

My skin with sudden red

Your hungry flirt

Borders intrusion

I'm building memories on

Things we have not said

Full is not heavy as empty

Not nearly my love

Not nearly my love

Not nearly

Give me the first taste

Let it begin

Heaven cannot wait forever

Darling, just start the chase

I'll let you win

But you must

Make the endeavor

-"First Taste" by Fiona Apple

* * *

In the morning I woke up before Edward and dressed and slipped out of the room without waking him. He was still asleep when I came back and I woke him with a kiss. He smiled before he even opened his eyes and whispered my name. His long eyelashes fluttered open and he reached up to touch my face softly.

"Morning." His sleep roughened voice sent a flood of arousal through me.

"Morning."

"What time did you get up?" he asked.

He sat up and turned, propping the pillow behind him to rest against the frame of the couch and I sat beside his legs.

"About half an hour ago."

"What time is it?"

"12:30."

"Wow, I can't believe we slept that late."

"I know, I was surprised too."

I reached over to the little table beside the couch and handed him a coffee.

"You got me coffee?" He sounded surprised and pleased.

"I did."

"Thanks."

He smiled at me and it was brilliant and dazzling. My breath caught in my throat like always and I put down my coffee and crawled up the mattress to straddle his legs. He looked into my eyes as I took the coffee from him and set that on the floor as well.

"Is there something other than coffee you want?"

"You." I kissed him, my mouth savoring the taste of mocha on his tongue. "Always you."

He hummed a little and his arms closed around my waist. I wound my fingers through his hair, combing through the tangled mess.

"You can have me," he said softly.

By the time we both came down from our orgasms the coffee had cooled a little, but even lukewarm it was still delicious. Wrapped in just a sheet I spread cream cheese on bagels and we ate in a nest of blankets on the bed. We sat there quietly for a little while after we'd finished.

His thumb brushed against my palm and I shuddered at the ticklish pleasure.

"We should do homework," I said quietly and he sighed but agreed.

"Can it be naked homework?"

I laughed. "If you want. But if you distract me too much I may make you put on clothes."

"Fine." He frowned.

Despite the frequent teasing touches and longing glances we both managed to stay on track. Hours later when we were both fed up with school we put away our work and curled up together on the mattress.

For a long while we were content to explore each other's bodies slowly, fingers stroking, tongues tangling, need growing.

His lips trailed along my stomach, his tongue darting out to trace around my navel. "Do you have a scarf?"

"What?"

"A scarf."

He blew a cool stream of air across my skin and I shivered, my nipples tightening to an almost painful hardness.

"Yeah, why?"

"I want to tie you up."

"Fuck," I moaned.

His head moved to lick at my nipples before gently biting down on them. "Mmm, you like that idea."

"Uh-huh."

"So where is it?"

"Where's what?" I asked dazedly. My brain felt like mush, I could barely form words anymore, much less follow the conversation.

"The scarf." He worked his way up to my neck and licked at the soft skin behind my ear.

"What scarf?"

"The one I want to tie you up with," he reminded me.

I shuddered. "Top drawer of my dresser."

He stood up and I shivered at the feeling of his heated body leaving mine. I was already so aroused I couldn't help reaching up to play with my nipples while I watched him search through the drawer. His body was lean and hard and his muscles flexed and tightened as he moved. He was so unbelievably beautiful and even after all this time I was astonished that he was mine, at least in some small way. He turned to me and shut the drawer, giving me a smirk as he held up a sheer white scarf that Alice had bought me a while ago, but I'd never worn. It was silk, and very delicate, beautiful, but incredibly impractical. He walked over to me and I swallowed hard, watching his erection move as he walked. I had a sudden urge to take him in my mouth and I sat up to grasp his cock in my hands and drag my tongue across the hard flesh. He groaned and gently pushed me away. I whined with disappointment and he chuckled.

"I love your mouth on me, but I have a very specific fantasy right now. Please." His eyes were a deep, intense green and I couldn't help but squirm a little as his gaze raked over my body. I sighed and sat back with a pout.

"Lay down," he said gently and when I complied he gave me another dazzling smile. "Perfect."

He knelt beside me and pulled my arms up over my head. He gently wrapped the soft fabric around my wrists and I felt my stomach clench in anticipation. My nipples hardened and he gave me a smoldering look.

"I see you like this," he breathed, the hot air blowing across the already excruciatingly over sensitive flesh.

"Yes," I moaned.

He moved to sit between my legs and he leaned over my body. His tongue darted out to lap at my nipple before pulling away. I whimpered with disappointment and his hands came out to stroke the skin of my belly. I squirmed and he smiled. "Always so ticklish."

He dropped his head again and his tongue trailed across my skin, around my navel and then down further. I squirmed as he neared my pussy and his hands came out to hold my hips still.

"You just can't stay still, can you?"

I whimpered and his tongue moved lower until it was just a fraction of an inch from my clit. He looked up at me, and my lust fogged eyes met his. They were a dark, brilliant green, passionate and needy looking. He moved as if to continue but instead of his tongue touching my clit he merely pressed a kiss to it and sat back. I groaned with disappointment.

"You really do need to learn to be patient," he admonished me.

He moved so he was kneeling between my legs and he gently pulled them apart and ran his hands up and down my shins. He lifted my right leg and starting at the top of my foot he placed soft open mouthed kisses across my skin, working his way up to my thigh and I felt my hips move in response and he sat back.

"I'm going to have to tie your legs up as well I think." He grinned and I moved restlessly on the bed. "What to use…" He glanced around the room and then smiled. The tie from my robe was hanging from the hook by the closet and he grabbed it. "This will do."

I had no idea how he was going to make it work until I watched him slip it under the mattress and bring each end up each side of the mattress and tie them around my ankles. It left my legs spread wide open and I couldn't move my legs more than an inch or two together, I whimpered when he spent his time kissing and licking and nipping at my inner thighs while I was unable to move my pussy to his mouth. His lips lingered on the inside of my inner left thigh and I gasped when I felt him suckle at the skin there. I groaned and when he was finished he rewarded me with a slow, long lick of his tongue that ended at my clit. The flat of his tongue lapped at it and I whimpered with frustration when I couldn't arch and squirm the way I normally did. It forced me to be more vocal and I whispered instructions in a desperate voice that I hardly recognized as belonging to me.

"Lower," I begged. He moved his head and I shuddered at the feeling. "Harder, please, god…"

He slid one long, narrow finger inside of me slowly and I felt my head arch back with pleasure.

"Lick my clit," I whimpered. He traced around it instead and I struggled against the restraints, needing to feel his tongue on the throbbing bundle of nerves.

"Edward…" I growled and he lifted his eyes to look up at me, never breaking the rhythm of his finger moving in and out of me.

"What do you want?" The words rumbled out of his mouth and vibrated against my clit and I shuddered with pleasure.

"Make me come," I pleaded.

He shook his head. "Not yet." He resumed licking me, teasing swirls of the tip of his tongue around my clit, occasionally passing right over it, but never long or hard enough to give me any kind of release. I squirmed and whimpered and begged and finally when I didn't think I could take any more he swiped the flat of his tongue over it, over and over and just when I was right at the very edge he pulled away. I whimpered loudly in frustration but he just smirked at me and moved to settled over my body, straddling my torso. His cock was just inches from my mouth and I stared hungrily at it, watching the way a pearl of precum gathered at the tip. I swallowed, wanting to taste it and I looked up at Edward pleadingly.

"Beg for it," he said roughly.

I whimpered. "Fuck, I want to taste you Edward. Please?"

"Please what?"

"Please let me suck your cock."

He groaned and moved forward until his hardness was just brushing my lips. Unable to use my hands, it was more difficult than usual. I opened my mouth letting my tongue trace around the slit as it bobbed in front of me. I took him inside my mouth, letting my warm, wet tongue swirl around it. I tilted my head forward and tried to take more of him in my mouth. Sensing the strain on my neck he cupped my head gently in his hands and supported me while I sucked him. There was something deeply erotic about the position we were in. Tied up and unable to move, in order to give him pleasure I had to rely on him for help. Determined to show him how much I was enjoying this I sucked hard, flicking my tongue along the underside of his cock. I felt a vein pulse against my tongue and I moaned quietly. At the feel of the vibrations of my mouth he shuddered and his stomach muscles clenched tightly. I moaned again and he stiffened completely, coming in long, steady spurts inside my mouth.

He cried out my name in a hoarse, ragged voice and when he had finished, he slowly lowered my head back down to the pillow. He moved to rest beside me on the bed and ran his fingers across my stomach. I flinched at the ticklish sensation but I was still too aroused to laugh.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly and I turned to look at him.

I nodded. "Yes." His fingers moved down to find that I was even wetter than before. "I want you Edward," I pleaded.

"Tell me."

"I want your cock inside me. I want you to make this ache go away." As much as I was able to I twisted on the bed with the pleasure his fingers were giving me. I felt delirious with pleasure and need. I wasn't even sure if I was coherent any more.

"Please Edward, I want you so deep inside me I can't tell where I end and you begin." His eyes met mine and desperately wished I could read his mind to know what was behind the intense gaze. He pressed a kiss to my lips and then moved to kneel between my spread legs. He gently untied my legs and slowly slid inside of me. Unable to move my upper body I let him set the pace. Slowly, deeply he thrust into me, wringing a quiet, desperate groan from my throat. It was intense and I felt my body begin to shake. He lifted my right leg and hooked it up high on his back. He drove into me deeply and I gasped and sobbed with pleasure. I threw my head back and my body bowed up as my climax hit. I could feel Edward's body shaking against mine and he cried out with his release.

He fell forward, resting his forehead against my stomach. He stayed there for a long time and every so often I felt the soft brush of his eyelashes against my skin or a barely discernable pressure from his lips. He reached up to untie my hands and I ran my fingers though his hair, needing to stay connected to him even after he rolled onto his back beside me.

Edward had always taken the lead. I had never really just explored his body, and when I realized it I was horrified at how monumentally selfish I had been. He had done everything for me, and I'd done so little for him. Other than the occasional blow job, I realized just how little I had ever done that was solely for his pleasure. He had always put my needs first, and I had hardly even considered his. I felt a sudden wash of guilt at what a selfish lover I'd been. Clearly, he had found pleasure in our relationship, that wasn't the issue. But it wasn't really fair of me at all. He lay there quietly, his eyes closed and his face relaxed. I moved my hand to his chest and he opened his eyes, a question beginning to form on his lips.

"Shh." I touched my finger to them. "Let me try something."

He merely nodded, trusting me. I began at the top, running my hands through his thick hair, tugging gently at the strands until his eyes rolled back in his head and he let out a low, long moan. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him, first his forehead, and then down over the bridge of his nose until I got to his lips. I'd never seen a guy with such a soft looking lower lip. I took it between my teeth and he hissed, a sudden sharp intake of breath. Unsure if it was a sound of pleasure I let go and his eyes met mine and they were dark and needy looking, so I continued nipping at him for a little while and then covered his mouth with light, pecking kisses.

My tongue darted out, wetting his lip. Slowly, I deepened the kiss, my tongue moving into his mouth to stroke against his tongue. When I grew lightheaded from lack of oxygen I pulled back and moved down over his jaw, flicking my tongue against the stubble there. It was a strange feeling against my tongue, but he moaned quietly, so I repeated it. I moved down his neck, over his Adam's apple and to the hollow in his throat, first kissing it and then letting my tongue taste his skin there. I traveled down over his chest, pressing scattered kisses across the soft skin. He squirmed a little when I reached his ribs and I was glad to see I wasn't the only one who was ticklish. My nose nuzzled the soft, fine hairs that began on his stomach, tracing them down his body. I deliberately moved lower, running my hands across his thighs, feeling the muscles tense and then relax. They were strong and lean and I momentarily wondered what Edward did to keep in shape, oddly enough, it was something we had never discussed. But I didn't want to ruin the mood by asking. I scraped my nails lightly down his legs and he shuddered hard, his breath hitching in his throat.

I kissed down to his hipbones, kneeling beside him on the bed. My tongue flicked out to taste him there and I heard his quiet hiss of breath. I leaned across him, working my way to the other hip. My nipples brushed the rough hair on his thigh and I felt him twitch under me. I moved so I was between his legs and his eyes opened to meet mine, clearly hopeful that I'd take him in my mouth again. Instead I returned to scraping my nails gently down his thighs and then kneading the muscles there. He groaned and relaxed back onto the pillow, his eyes closed, a small smile playing in his lips. I moved to his feet, taking them in my hands and pressing my thumbs into the arch. He groaned again in pleasure and I continued, kneading at the spots that made him react. When he lay still beneath me, looking relaxed and half asleep I moved up quickly, dragging my tongue across his semi-hard cock. His eyes flew open and he gasped in surprise. Slow, deliberate licks got him hard in moments and as I worked my way down I could see his breathing pick up. He was silent and motionless under me, his control obviously far better than mine. But I saw the shaking of his thighs and the deep, heavy breathing that signaled his need. My tongue dragged along the smooth, soft skin of his balls and the sensitive spot just behind them. His cock twitched in my hand and I smoothed the drop of wetness around the head. He swallowed hard and I let go of him. His eyes met mine, pleading for me not to stop and I moved up so I was straddling him, his cock flat against his stomach. I settled down over him, letting it drag between my wet lips, rolling my hips along his length. His lips parted with pleasure and every time my clit hit the head of his cock we both gasped. It was agonizingly pleasurable and I wondered how long I could keep it up before I had to have him inside of me. He lay still beneath me, his eyes locked on mine, allowing me to control everything. It was the look in his eyes that finally did me in. The trust, the need, and something more - love, maybe. I didn't know. All I knew was that I needed to feel him inside of me, filling me. I sat up, slipping him inside me and pressing down until I was flush against him. He let out a quiet gasp and his hands moved up to rest on my thighs as if he couldn't bear to go another moment without touching me. I let my hands come to rest over his and I rocked slowly and deliberately over him.

It was perhaps the quietest we had ever been, and there was something arousing about that too. It added a different level of intimacy to it. I closed my eyes, my hips moving almost lazily, my wet flesh slowly giving way to him inside of me and releasing him as I slid down over him and then up again. It was rhythmic and even, not frantic like it usually was. I understood better Edward's need to take things slower. My impatience in the past had robbed me of the agonizing pleasure of what we were doing now.

I had no idea how long it was before the muscles in my thighs began to protest, but eventually it was more than I could take. I leaned forward, stretching up to kiss him and let my thighs relax and my legs stretch out beside his. He wrapped an arm around my back and rolled us carefully on to our side, lifting my leg so that it rested over his. He moved inside of me, his right hand gripping my hip as we stared into each other's eyes. I came hard, convulsing around him, biting my lip to keep from calling out loudly. He came with his lips against mine, his hand cupping my cheek, his eyes serious and almost sad looking.

Neither of us spoke and he was quiet and contemplative, I didn't know what to make of his mood. He pulled the covers around us and held me close as we drifted off to sleep.


	41. He's Got a Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last day before Edward leaves.

**Chapter Forty One: He's Got A Way**

He's got a way about him

I don't know what it is

But I know that I can't live without him

He's got a way of pleasin'

I don't know why it is

But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway

He's got a smile that heals me

I don't know what it is

But I have to laugh when he reveals me

He's got a way of talkin'

I don't know why it is

But it lifts me up when we are walkin' anywhere

He comes to me when I'm feelin' down

Inspires me without a sound

He touches me and I get turned around

He's got a way of showin'

How I make him feel

And I find the strength to keep on goin'

He's got a light around him

And everywhere he goes

A million dreams of love surround him everywhere

He comes to me when I'm feelin' down

Inspires me without a sound

He touches me

I get turned around

He's got a smile that heals me

I don't know why it is

But I have to laugh when he reveals me

He's got a way about him

I don't know what it is

But I know that I can't live without him anyway

-Written by Billy Joel as "She's Got A Way"

Performed by Bernadette Peters as "He's Got A Way"

* * *

Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up. I wasn't sure what woke me at first; it was still dark out. I shifted a little and realized my head was still on Edward's chest. In the dark room I could hear his breathing, harsh and ragged sounding. His heart beat just under my ear, the rhythm too fast and slightly erratic. I wondered if he was dreaming, and if he was, what he was dreaming about. My lips curved up into a smile when I thought that maybe he was dreaming about sex. But a moment later a moan left his lips and it was pained instead of passionate - a nightmare, then. I debated if I should wake him or not but when he started to shake and whimper "no" I shook his arm.

"Edward," I said quietly, not wanting to startle him. "Are you alright?"

He sat up in bed with a jerk and I nearly fell over before righting myself. I touched his thigh gently. "Edward?"

"Bella?" His voice was rough sounding.

"Yeah. Are you ok? I think you were having a nightmare."

He lay back and pulled me down with him so my head was resting over his heart again. It was still racing in his chest and I ran my hand across his stomach, rubbing soft circles there to try to calm him. He took a deep breath before answering. "I don't know; it's kind of hazy."

I didn't push him, just kept softly stroking his skin and his breath shuddered under me and his heart eventually began to slow. He tilted my head and kissed me deeply. At first it was sweet and slow, but then like a switch had been flipped he grew frantic, his hands moved quickly to my breasts, stroking them with a needy urgency.

"Are you alright?" I pulled back and cupped his cheek, feeling the stubble against my palm.

"Please, I need you," he gasped, rolling over so he was on top of me, his hard length already nestled between my legs. I wrapped my legs around his hips and guided him inside of me. He buried his face in my neck and thrust into me, passionate and desperate. "Please, Bella."

I wasn't sure what he was asking of me but I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him even as I felt my body respond to his.

"Shh. I'm here. It's alright," I whispered, my arms wrapping around him and pulling him even closer.

For some reason it reminded me of the night at his parents' house, when he was upset about leaving for Italy. Maybe it was nothing more than the knowledge that he'd be leaving again soon. I whispered his name and he shuddered, panting against my neck. I could tell he was close to coming, his movements were starting to get erratic but I could see him fighting it.

"Bella," he moaned.

I contracted my inner muscles and he cried out, shuddering and spasming inside of me. He drifted back off to sleep almost immediately after, his body heavy on mine. I gently rolled him to the side and continued to stroke his upper back softly, listening to his deep and even breathing. It took me a while to fall asleep; I was worried about him and about us. He was leaving in just a few short days and I dreaded being away from him again. I finally fell asleep but I was awakened again a few hours later by Edward. His cock was inside of me, although this time he was behind me. I gasped awake, shocked at how aroused I was despite being half asleep. The deep, even thrusts from behind and his fingers teasing my clit were enough to send me spiraling over the edge into an orgasm before I was even fully awake. We both fell asleep right after, without even speaking a word.

I groaned when I finally woke up for good in the morning, we were both an absolute mess.

Edward smiled sleepily at me, looking a bit sheepish, and we both got up to shower right away. When I got back he had already changed the sheets and run the dirty set down to the basement laundry room.

"Thank you. You didn't have to do that." I kissed him and he pulled me onto his lap. He was sitting in my desk chair and I sat sideways in his lap, my arm looped around his neck. We were still undressed, I had nothing on but my robe and Edward was wearing a large towel wrapped around his waist. His thumb brushed across my knee and it was strangely erotic even though it tickled.

"It's the least I could do after invading your room for a week."

"Mmm, you know I don't mind." I kissed him, tasting the mint of his toothpaste.

"Good." He pulled me close and we sat like that for a while, content to just hold each other.

"So, what do you want to do today?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Hmm, I hadn't really thought about it yet. Go for a walk maybe? Or if you'd like I could play you something at the music building."

"That sounds nice. What about breakfast?"

"We can finish off the bagels and cream cheese if that sounds ok," he offered.

"Sure. But you'll have to let me up."

"Pffft. So overrated. I think it would be so much nicer to do everything with you on my lap."

I laughed. "No doubt. But I think it would make some things kind of difficult."

"I suppose." He rolled his eyes and brushed a strand of hair off my face before leaning in to kiss me. "I just like the feel of your skin against mine."

"I like that too," I admitted before I gently pulled away and stood up.

We had our breakfast, trading small bites of food and sharing a glass of juice. I flopped back down onto the mattress after we had finished and Edward laid down beside me, propping his head up on his hand to look at me.

"You look content."

"I am. You do that to me."

"I do?" He looked surprised and I couldn't help but laugh.

"Of course. I've had countless orgasms over the past few days and I'm pretty sure my bones are actually going to turn to jelly if we keep this up."

"If I had my way, we'd never stop."

"I know." I smiled at him and shook my head. "Besides, you make me happy," I said softly, turning more serious. "Not the sex. Just you."

"You make me happy too." He smiled, but it was a little forced and I wondered what was going through his head right then. "I am so sorry about last night," he then said, suddenly looking worried and uncomfortable. He had seemed a little withdrawn this morning, more serious. I wondered if it was because of what happened the night before, or if it was something else.

"What about it?"

"I didn't mean to lose control like that. I fucked you and then collapsed without even giving you an orgasm, and then woke you up for more sex later."

"That's no big deal."

He frowned. "I don't like it when you don't come."

"I know, but it's fine. Trust me."

"It makes me feel selfish."

"Edward," I protested, sitting up a little so I was resting on my bent forearms. "Statistically, there's a pretty high percentage of women who don't ever orgasm. Twice in nearly a year isn't a big deal. At all. And I could have gotten off last night, but I was more concerned with you. You seemed really upset."

"Yeah, I was," he said a little gruffly.

"Why?"

"Bad dream, although I don't remember much. Something about you being hurt, I think. When I woke up I was so relieved to see you there and that you were alright, but then I remembered that I was leaving in a few days and..." he swallowed, "well, I just needed to be inside you. It was the only thing that made me feel alright."

His head dropped forward to rest against my ribcage, just below my breasts. I brushed my hand through his hair, amazed at the way each soft strand wound its way around my fingers.

"I'm glad I can make you feel good," I whispered, my throat suddenly constricting with everything I wanted to say to him. His hand slipped inside the robe to part it so he could brush soft kisses along my side.

"You do," he assured me, his voice muffled by my skin. I laughed a little, squirming at the ticklish feeling of his lips brushing my skin. He looked up at me, "You make me feel...like everything is right with the world."

"You make me feel like that, too," I said softly.

He kissed his way down my side and over my hip. His fingers delved between my legs and he groaned. "How is it that you're always so ready for me?" he muttered, as his lips sucked at the skin of my hip, his tongue flicking out to trace along the crest of bone there. I felt my back arch and my hips tilt up to feel him deeper inside of me. His movements were slow and controlled and for a moment I almost forgot that he had asked me a question.

"Because I want you…always," I gasped.

I had meant to say that I always wanted him, and I realized dimly that what I said was different, but at that moment it was the closest I could get to telling him the truth about my feelings for him. His lips brushed against my hip again and he turned me on the bed so he could reach my pussy. He kissed my thighs, alternating licks with gentle bites and brushes of his lips. I moaned lowly and let my arms fall above my head so I wouldn't push him deeper inside of me. I always rushed him, wanting to feel more, harder, faster. This time I wanted to let him take his time. Not because I was tied up and unable to push us faster, but I wanted to give that to him, to please him. His tongue dragged up the seam of my lips and then inside. Instead of the tearing, frantic need of last night, it was slow and languid, excruciatingly pleasurable. He teased me beyond reason until I was a mewling, panting mass of desire. The tip of his tongue traced around my clit and then flicked at it, sending a shock through my entire body.

"Edward," I cried, but he didn't relent, sending me straight from one orgasm into a second. I felt my head thrash on the pillow and sweat gathered as I shuddered and shook with the force of my orgasm. Before I came down he crawled up my body and slid into my pussy. I gasped at the sudden invasion and while my first instinct was to thrust back against him roughly, I held myself back to let him set the pace. I came with a cry of pleasure that nearly brought tears to my eyes.

He rolled over, pulling me on top of him and nuzzled my neck. Neither of us spoke, not wanting to shatter the intimacy of the moment. Edward's hands came to rest on my lower back, sliding up to my shoulders and then back down again. I traced my finger across his jaw, into the dip of his chin and up the other side of his jaw. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him, my lips teasing his, my tongue tasting him. I lost track of time while we kissed; it could have been minutes or hours later that we disentangled our mouths and pulled apart. He tucked me close, his lips coming to rest on my forehead. After a while he rolled us onto our sides and we eventually separated and stood up to put our clothes on. We took turns dressing each other, my fingers lingering on the buttons of his shirt, his hands smoothing the collar of my jacket and tightening the belt. Without a word he took my hand and we left the room, somewhat reluctantly.

**~BC~**

We walked around campus for a while, it was cool and drizzly, but not uncomfortable and walking with my hand in his was enough to make me content. I felt a fullness in my chest, an overwhelming sense of rightness when we were like this. Neither of us spoke, content to just walk together. I snuck glances up at him, memorizing his face, the set of his shoulders, the way he walked. After a while the rain started to pick up and he led to me into the music building. I followed willingly to a small practice room in the basement. The building was deserted and our footsteps echoed in the hallways. The room was empty except for a piano and bench, almost stark in its bare simplicity.

He took a seat, his fingers brushing over the keys with an eager anticipation. I sat beside him on the bench, and he reached out for me automatically, drawing me closer. I rested my head on his shoulder and breathed in the scent of his cologne. It was dizzying as usual, and I hadn't realized how much I'd missed having it as a comfort when he was gone. I let my eyes close and we sat without moving for a while, content just to be near each other.

"I'm really glad you came to visit me," I finally whispered.

"Me too. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else," he admitted. "I was so afraid you'd be upset at me for not telling you that I was coming. But Alice swore it would be ok."

I smiled faintly. "Well, Alice has a flair for the dramatic and there isn't much she likes more than a surprise. I don't always agree with her about it, but in this case she was right. I'm very glad you flew home. Are your parents going to be annoyed that you didn't go home to visit them?"

I could feel him shrug his shoulder. "I doubt it. They've gotten pretty used to me doing my own thing." He kissed the top of my head. "And if something's important to me, they understand."

I slipped my arm around his waist and turned into him, tucking my head beneath his chin. "And was coming to visit me important to you?"

He touched my chin softly and turned my face to his. "Seeing you is always important, Bella. I can't tell you enough how much I've missed you. Every day I woke up wanting you there and every night I went to bed wishing you were in my arms. Italy is everything I ever dreamed about, but without you there…it's not where I want to be. When I get home in May, I want to…I want to be with you more. You're very…important to me, Bella."

I reached up to softly touch his cheek. "You're important to me too Edward."

He swallowed, looking like he was about to say something before swallowing again and saying quietly, "Let me play for you."

I sat back and watched him as he played, entranced by the way he threw himself into the music. His eyes closed and he swayed a little. His fingers flew over the keys, touching lightly but there was nothing hesitant about it. He was extraordinary. "It…it was beautiful, Edward. I can't believe you wrote that."

His eyes met mine and he said, "I wrote it for you."

"For me?" I was staggered that I could have inspired him to write something.

He nodded. "One night in Rome I was having a really hard time with a piece I was composing and all I could think about was you. Your eyes, your smile, the way you smell…and that's what I started to write."

"It's incredible."

I straddled him, and reached up to cup his face between my hands. I kissed him and his lips were frantic and needy against mine.

"For you, Bella. All for you." His voice was hoarse and raw sounding. Suddenly I wasn't sure if he was talking about the music anymore.

"Thank you, Edward." His arms reached around me and pulled my body tight to his.

"I need you," he whispered.

I nodded and reached down to unzip his pants. I stood up to remove mine while he lowered his and then stood back over him. He lifted the hem of my shirt to place a kiss on the bare skin of my stomach and then his arms wrapped around my waist. I positioned myself on his lap and he slid inside of me easily. I stared at his face, looking into his eyes as I rocked over him, drowning in the green intensity.

Campus was deserted when we walked back and it was nice to be alone. I didn't want people to intrude. It felt like we were in our own insulated bubble that the outside world couldn't touch. When we were back in my room he kissed me.

"Thank you for playing for me," I said softly.

"You're welcome. I'll do it again sometime, if you like."

I nodded. "I would. When you come home."

"When I come home," he agreed.

It was a promise that had nothing whatsoever to do with him playing piano for me again. It was a promise that when he came home we'd talk, that things between us would change. I didn't know what the future held for us, or if things with Claire would complicate things more, but I did know that I was determined to find a way to tell Edward how much I cared about him. That when he came home I'd take the risk and throw myself into something with him.

**~BC~**

Eventually, I remembered that we had left the sheets in the washer earlier in the day, and I made a trip to the basement while Edward ordered dinner. I moved the sheets from the washer to the dryer, absently shaking out the fabric where it had gathered into wet bunches. I closed the dryer door and turned it on, staring blankly at the wall while I thought about the week we'd had together, trying to will away the tears that gathered when I thought about how soon he was leaving. I wiped at my eyes, glad I hadn't bothered to put on any makeup that morning. I shook myself from my stupor and went upstairs to the room. Edward was on his computer, checking his email and he turned to flash me a smile when I walked in.

"I thought maybe you got lost."

I smiled and shook my head. "No, just got distracted for a minute. Sorry."

"No, that's fine. I ordered Thai, it should be here in twenty minutes or so."

"Sounds good."

"Mind if I finish checking my email?"

"Not at all."

I sat down on the mattress, curled up with the book I was currently reading. I got so absorbed in it I hardly even noticed when the knock on the door came. Edward answered it and few moments later came into the room carrying several large bags of food. I put the book down and looked up at him. After all this time I found him no less stunning than I had when we first met.

"What are you thinking?" he asked me.

"That you're beautiful."

He smirked. "You're crazy."

"Probably. But that doesn't mean you aren't pretty."

He snorted. "Whatever. Clearly you're hallucinating from lack of food."

"Clearly." I smiled at him and took the bags of Thai food from his outstretched hands. "Come eat."

He flashed me a look of pure, scorching desire and I nearly dropped the bags. "Mmm, you have no idea how much I wish you were talking about something else."

"Haven't had your fill yet?"

"Never. But I have to feed you. I don't want you to pass out on me."

I smiled. "Then let's see what you ordered."

I unpacked the bags, not surprised when I saw the exact same food we'd gotten at his house the September before although it was from a different restaurant. Edward was meticulous with details, I knew it had been intentional. He smiled at me, knowing that I'd noticed. We shared our food again, feeding each other little bites. Dinner was quickly devoured and we tidied up and relaxed together. I took a seat on the mattress, and Edward sat on the floor between my legs. He sighed and leaned back against me.

"I can't believe I have to leave tomorrow."

"I know, this week went by really fast." I ran my hands through his hair, knowing it soothed him.

"Yeah, it did. Fuck, I don't want to go. I am going to miss you so bad."

"I'm going to miss you too, Edward, but let's not let worrying about tomorrow ruin tonight.

Let's just enjoy this. Every moment of it." I felt my voice catch in my throat.

"You're right." He nodded. "What do you want to do tonight?"

"Nothing much, just be with you."

He reached up and touched my hand, turning his face to me. "Okay."

I lightly rested my hands on his shoulders and squeezed. He winced and made a soft whimpering noise.

"Sorry. Did I hurt you?"

"A little. My shoulders are really tight."

"How about I return a favor? This time it's your turn."

He twisted around so he could see me better. "What do mean?"

"You seem really tense. How about I give you a backrub?"

"You don't have to."

"I know I don't. But I want to, if you'd like one?"

He nodded. "Absolutely."

"Alright, take off your shirt and lay down."

"I think I like this already." He smiled at me.

I laughed. "I thought you might."

When he was situated, I took a small amount of unscented lotion and warmed it between my hands. When they touched his back he moaned. "Oh my god, that feels good."

"Good." The muscles in his back were in knots and I wondered how he wasn't in constant pain. "Has your back been like this all week?" I asked.

"No, I've been really relaxed actually. I just started thinking about tomorrow and it got like this."

"Well, try not to think too much."

"I'm not very good at that."

"Me either," I admitted, "But I'm trying to get better."

"Mmm, that's fantastic. Forget Rome, I'm moving in here with you." His voice was muffled by the pillow.

"Nice try, but, I don't think that's going to work. Besides, don't I get any say in this?"

He mumbled, "I promise I'll be a good roommate. I clean up after myself and I'm pretty good at a lot of other things."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I've noticed. Now be quiet and relax."

He was nearly asleep by the time I finished. I ran my hands lightly up and down his arms and he sighed contentedly. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." I leaned down to kiss his shoulder blade. He reached back for me and I slid into the bed beside him. He turned his head so our foreheads were pressed together and he hooked an arm around my waist. "I think I could stay like this forever."

"Me too," I admitted, and yawned.

"I can't believe I'm going to be away from you for another couple of months," he whispered.

"I know." I could hear the hollowness in my voice. I pushed closer to him and he turned, his arm wrapped around my hip and my thigh slid between his. I buried my head against his neck and he softly kissed my hair. We lay like that for a long time, refusing to unwind our bodies. I clenched my eyes tightly shut to hold back the tears that kept forming behind my eyelids. I could feel myself start to shake and Edward's hand slid down my back to pull me closer.

"Shhh. It's alright." He kissed my forehead again and I swallowed hard. I couldn't let myself cry. I was afraid I'd never stop.

Eventually I fell asleep, lulled by the gentle stroking of his hand against my skin. When I woke up he was watching me sleep, and for once I didn't tease him about it. I forced down the rising urge to cry again and nuzzled my nose against his chest. He sighed and tilted my head up to kiss me. We rolled together until I was underneath him. He brushed my hair back from my forehead and cupped the back of my head to bring his lips to mine again. There was something in his eyes that made me hopeful that someday we would be able to tell each other how we felt. He slid inside of me and I felt my head arch back at the feeling of him inside of me. It was almost too much on top of the pain I was feeling and I pulled him closer, wrapping my arms around him to pull him as close to me as possible.

He closed his eyes and buried his head in the crook of my neck. I stroked the back of his head and let his hair slide between my fingers as we came together, fighting back the tears that had been threatening to spill over the entire day.

The week with Edward had been incredible. But we were no closer to a relationship than we had been before he left in January. With a sigh I let myself fall into sleep, knowing that in the morning he'd be leaving me.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard chapter to write, but important. And although neither of them said the words, they did emotionally connect on a level they haven't before.
> 
> -What did you think?


	42. All That I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics to the song are posted mid-chapter, you'll see why when you get there. This is one of my very favorite songs, one definitely worth listening to.
> 
> http:/www. youtube.com/watch?v=IiYWOU9j9w0

**Chapter Forty Two: With All That I Am**

**  
**

We both woke up long before the alarm was set to go off and we spent the time touching and tasting each other. I was desperate to memorize everything about him. I closed my eyes, burning into my brain the memory of his tongue, soft and wet against my aching flesh, the rasp of his stubble against my skin, the feeling of him stretching and filling me when he was inside of me. I lost track of the number of times I came, overcome by the pleasure of his touch. It was all I could do to bite my tongue to keep from screaming out that I loved him. When he slid inside of me for the final time, it was simultaneously pleasurable and agonizing. If I could have somehow kept him inside of me forever, I would have. Instead, I pulled him down to me, wrapping my legs around his hips, pulling him deep and close. We rocked slowly together, release creeping up over us, instead of crashing around us. We kissed softly, our eyes open, his palms pressed flat against my shoulder blades, his fingers curling around to grip the top of my shoulders. Mine moved to his hair, winding through the strands, anchoring him to me.

It was both better and worse than New Year's. My feelings for him were deeper, but we had survived the past several months and were at the halfway point. May would come eventually, and I held onto that to keep me from begging him to stay.

When it was time for him to leave we stood together for a long time beside his car. Edward's coat was open in the front and I tucked myself inside of it, against his chest. I swallowed a lump in my throat. I didn't want him to leave. The week together had been magical and it seemed very unreal. Already I was forgetting small details. What we ate for breakfast on Thursday, how my lips felt against the skin on his back. I missed him already. The wind blew harder and I shivered as a gust caught the back of my clothing and chilled my skin. I burrowed closer to him and he sighed and wrapped his arms more tightly around me.

"I don't want you to go." My voice was muffled against his shirt.

"I don't want to go either," he said quietly. "Or I wish you could come with me. Run away to Italy with me for a couple of months."

"That sounds nice. If I could, I would."

"I know."

We stood quietly for a while longer. For some reason I felt like if he left I was going to lose him for good. I had no more doubts about my feelings for him. Only doubts about myself. If I was good enough for him, if I deserved him. Anticipation of him leaving mingled with the guilt I felt over Claire and it was agonizing. A tear slipped down my cheek and apparently I made a noise because Edward pulled back enough to turn my face to his.

"Are you ok Bella?"

"Yeah, I'm just…I'm going to be so lonely without you."

"I know. I'm going to be lonely too."

"I'm scared."

"Scared of what?" His face was concerned.

"I don't know. I just…I have this bad feeling that I won't see you again if you leave. That I'll lose you."

"I'll be very careful. Trust me, I want to come home to you. When I'm back I want to spend a lot more time with you. I want us to…to be together more." For a moment it sounded like he was going to say something else and my heart raced with both fear and anticipation. I held my breath as he continued.

"I know a relationship, something serious, it's a huge step for you, and I know you're scared. I do. I really do. But I can't keep pretending like I don't want more."

My heart pounded in my chest as I struggled to get the words out. "I am scared," I admitted. "But I want it too, Edward. Honestly. I care about you so much."

He leaned down and kissed me tenderly. When he pulled back I bit my lip, unsure of how to say what was worrying me most.

"As long as I know that, I can be patient," he said, his thumb stroking my cheek, his eyes sad but hopeful.

"I'm just such a mess right now..." I began, my voice trailing off.

He took a deep breath. "Bella, I know...I know you have some things you need to figure out. I know Claire is a big part of that. The idea of you with someone else...well it hurts, it hurts a lot. But if it's what you have to do to be ready for something more serious with me...do it. I don't like it, but I think it's something you need."

I swallowed hard and nodded. "I'm sorry; I don't want to hurt you Edward."

"I know you don't."

I took a deep shuddering breath and nodded, waiting for him to go on. But he didn't continue, he merely bent to rest his chin against the top of my head. Eventually, he sighed. "I need to get going, or I'll be late for my flight. I'm sorry that I have to leave. I looked into coming back home instead of finishing the semester there, but I'd lose all of the credits and it would put me really behind. I'm sorry, I feel like I can't say that enough."

"No, Edward, I wouldn't want you to do that. Not for me. I'll be fine. I'm just going to really miss you." I swallowed hard, choking down the pain inside of me.

He kissed me tenderly and it felt frighteningly final. "Goodbye, Bella. Be careful."

"You too. Goodbye, Edward."

With a sigh he stepped back and I wrapped my coat around myself, already missing his warmth and the feel of his body against mine. He loaded his bag into the car and slowly got inside, giving me one final look that nearly took my breath away.

I didn't cry until the taillights of his car disappeared. But when I went upstairs to my room, I could barely see anyone or anything around me through the tears blurring my vision.

I flicked on the light in my room and was surprised to see a note sitting on my desk. Edward must have left it for me, although I had somehow missed him slipping it on there before he walked out of the room. I slid open the envelope and I slowly sank down in my chair as I read it.

Bella,

I didn't say everything I wanted to this week. I know you have things you need to figure out about how you feel about Claire; please do it, and come back to me. I thought about telling about my feelings, or asking you for more now, but it didn't seem right when you are so clearly torn. I am taking the coward's way out writing this letter, but it's all I can do. There are no words to say what you've done to me, how you've changed me. This week was more than I had ever hoped for. If I had my way I would never leave you, ever again. I can't imagine my life without you. The next few months can't pass quickly enough. I want to be home. I want to be with you. I have a thousand other things I want to say, but no way of expressing them. Every time I hear this song I think of you. For now I'll borrow another man's words, to say what I can't.

Yours,

Edward

I slid a cd from the envelope and put it in my computer. My hand was shaking when I clicked play.

 

I am the one winged bird for flying

Sinking quickly to the ground

See your faith in me subsiding

See you prime for giving in

I give you all that I am

I am the sound of love's arriving

Echoed softly on the sand

Lay your head upon my shoulder

Lay your hand within my hand

I give you all that I am

And I breathe where you breathe

Let me stand where you stand

With all that I am

I am the white dove for a solider

Ever marching as to war

I would give my life to save you

I stand guarding at your door

I give you all that I am

I am the one winged bird for flying

Sinking quickly to the ground

I'm a blind man for a watchdog

I am prime for giving in

I'll show you all that I am

And I breathe so you breathe

Let me stand so you'll stand

With all that I am

-"All That I Am" by Rob Thomas

By the time it finished playing I was sobbing. I had heard the original before, and thought it was beautiful. But hearing Edward sing it was so much more powerful. He loved me. I knew that finally, without a doubt. I was sure of it. And he had just left until May. I played the song again, over and over. I wrapped myself in his sweatshirt and curled up on the couch listening to it. Without even realizing it, it lulled me to sleep. When I awoke several hours later, the room was quiet. The battery on my laptop had run out and I realized that Edward was probably anxiously waiting for a message. I wasn't sure if he'd be able to check his email during the flight, but just in case, I wanted him to know. I scrambled to plug the computer back in and turn it on. I paced anxiously while it started up. I didn't have the patience to wait. I was afraid that Edward has misinterpreted my silence for not liking his gesture. As soon as I could I typed a quick message.

Edward.

Thank you. That was…breathtaking. I fell asleep listening to your voice. Even if they are another man's words, hearing them in your voice made them something altogether different. I have been struggling to find the words to say what I feel too and Italy is too far away and a month and a half is too long. Please believe me when I say that I hope that we can both find the right words when you get home. I mean them, even if I'm afraid to say them. I'm no good at this…and I'm sorry. I want to be better for you. I want you to know that I feel it too. I'm scared that I don't deserve you, or that I'll hurt you, but it doesn't change how I feel about you. I miss you already.

Yours,

Bella

Just a few minutes later I got a reply.

Bella,

I think my heart just started beating again. I was afraid I'd scared you away. I nearly walked off the plane to come back to you, but I knew I had to finish this. It's too important, but nothing else could keep me away from you.

Edward

I suddenly realized that this had been his mysterious errand a few days before and I hugged his sweatshirt closer to me, feeling far less lonely than I had when he had left me at New Year's. I would miss him, but it was reassuring to know how much he cared. Although he hadn't actually said that he loved me, the cd, the song he played for me on his piano, the words he had spoken had been more than enough. I felt loved. I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening alone, content to remember our week together and looking forward to the future.

**~BC~**

I hadn't seen Claire since the party at Angela's, and when I ran into her in the hallway late the next night, I nearly dropped the shower tote I was carrying. She was wearing an incredibly short pair of pale yellow shorts and a white t-shirt. She had just gotten out of the shower and her hair lay long and damp across her shoulders. Her shirt clung to her damp skin and I could see the sheen of water on her impossibly long looking legs. My eyes lingered on her legs and it took me a moment before I could pull myself together enough to stammer a hello to her. My mouth was dry with desire and I went around her to continue on to the bathroom when she stopped me. She grabbed my arm and I felt myself flush at the feeling of her warm skin against mine.

"Hey Bella, do you have a sec?"

"Um, sure. What's up Claire?"

I turned to face her and tried to keep my eyes on her face and not let them drop to where her hard nipples were straining against the thin shirt. I wanted to take one in my mouth and feel her body against mine.

She smiled. "I just wanted to see if you wanted to come over to Mike and John's again sometime."

"Are you having a party or something?"

"No, it would just be the four of us hanging out. Maybe watch some movies, hang out in the hot tub or whatever."

"Sure. Sounds like fun." I took a deep breath, remembering her in the hot tub before, her body wet and soft against mine. "Tomorrow works for me, if you want. Just knock on my door when you're ready to head out."

"See you tomorrow then. Have a good night."

"Thanks, you too."

I continued on to the showers and slipped out of my robe, carefully hanging it on the hook along with my towel. I washed my hair and shaved before the implications of my earlier meeting with Claire finally sunk in. I stood under the hot water, shaking. I wanted her. Desperately. I was in love with Edward, but I couldn't deny my attraction to Claire. I found myself crying, hating myself for not being able to commit myself to him without any lingering doubts.

This wasn't about loneliness, or even sexual gratification. But I had to know. I couldn't quite seem to put it into words, but the desperation to understand my attraction to her had become all consuming.

**~BC~**

I went out for a walk by myself the next day. It was Sunday, so I didn't have to worry about classes. It rained, but I walked anyway, ignoring the rain hanging from my eyelashes and dripping from my nose. I needed a clear head to think.

I was incredibly conflicted about Claire. I agonized over what to do about her. As much as I cared about her as a friend, I wanted to go back to the way things had been before I met her. I wanted to throw myself whole-heartedly into something with Edward, without any doubts or questions about who I was. But I couldn't rewind time, I couldn't just forget her. I was attracted to her and I had to find some way to figure out what I wanted. But it felt like the worst betrayal to pursue something with her now.

We might not have said the words, but any lingering doubt about Edward's feelings for me had been washed away. He loved me, and he wanted a relationship. Of that I was sure. My doubts about myself were rapidly dwindling as well. I loved him and I wanted a relationship with him, too. Maybe it would have been easier if I hadn't been so sure of the gravity of any future relationship. This wasn't something I could take lightly. We wouldn't date for a few months and get bored or sick of each other. Although we'd lacked the title, we had essentially already been dating for more than half a year. We were a couple already. If I made a commitment to Edward, I could only assume it would be forever. That someday, I'd marry Edward.

But the idea of never knowing where things stood with Claire nagged at me. Better to do it before I had made a commitment to Edward than to always feel like I had missed out. And when Edward was leaving and he said that he knew I had some things I needed to figure out with Claire, I could only assume it was his way of telling me to explore it. I hoped I wasn't reading too much in to his words. I worried that I was wrong and that I was somehow misinterpreting what he said, to suit my own needs. Nervous and apprehensive, I resolved to let things unfold between Claire and I and hope for the best. Hope that I hadn't made the worst mistake of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...what do you think?
> 
> -Were you surprised by what Edward told her?
> 
> -Do you think Bella's making a mistake?
> 
> -Did you like the song Edward chose?


	43. Chapter Forty Three: I Don't Understand Anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like a horrible person for not posting chapters lately. So many stories going on right now. My apologies to anyone who has been waiting for chapters to post in here. 
> 
> For anyone who is worrying, I promise, there will still be a HEA for Edward and Bella.

**Chapter Forty Three: I Don't Understand Anything**

What is it that I think I need?

Is there love in me that wants to be freed?

Or is it selfishness and ego

we carry with us everywhere that we go?

This feeling that life's incomplete

\- do you feel that too?

Do you want what I want?

And if I should start to cry,

and I can't begin to tell you why,

and I stumble when I begin,

it's cause I don't understand anything.

People say that we're so close,

how can there be something that I don't know.

Oh but even though I share your bed,

baby, I don't get inside your head.

This feeling of some mystery

\- do you feel that too?

Do you know what I mean?

And if I should start to cry,

and I can't begin to tell you why,

and I stumble when I begin,

it's cause I don't understand anything.

Watch me stumble, watch me trip

My fingers lose their grip.

Now I'm down on my knees,

Is that what you wanted to see?

What is it that I think I need?

What is it that I think I need?

And if I should start to cry,

and I can't begin to tell you why,

and I stumble when I begin,

it's cause I don't understand anything.

You reach for me from miles away,

you reach for me from miles away.

-" I Don't Understand Anything" by Everything But the Girl

* * *

The next week passed by quickly. Despite the studying, I had done over break I was behind in several of my classes. I didn't do much but go to class, study and sleep. Rose and Alice complained that I had dropped off the face of the planet, but I hardly had time to eat, much less socialize. They eventually managed to corner me to interrogate me about the week with Edward, and lecture me that I had thrown away another opportunity to tell him how I felt. They weren't wrong, but I was frustrated by feeling so conflicted about Edward and Claire and I was probably a bit short with them when I told them I needed them to let it be, although, I did thank Alice for her help with the surprise visit.

I ended up canceling my plans with Claire when I was hit with another paper to write for one of my classes. She told me not to worry and we made tentative plans to hang out the following weekend. I buried myself in schoolwork and by the end of the week, I was exhausted. Any spare time I had, I talked to Edward, but even that was few and far between. The busy schedule more or less kept me from worrying and I was too tired when I went to sleep to even dream about him. I missed him horribly but I was too focused on my classes to dwell on it as much as I would have otherwise.

**~BC~**

Sunday morning I woke up with a pounding headache and wasn't sure where I was. I sat up too quickly and the room started spinning. Once it stopped, I looked around. Mike's room. I was at Mike and John's house. The night before came flooding back to me. I had finally managed to get a little bit of free time and since Claire was free, we had gone to the guys house to hang out. Mike had challenged me to out-drink him and I'd been stupid enough to fall for it. I vaguely remembered sitting on the couch with Claire wrapped around me and then stumbling into the hot tub. I wasn't in there very long before I'd started to feel sick. I remembered running into the bathroom and throwing up. After that ... nothing. I was still in my bathing suit, but I had a t-shirt on over it, and someone had put a blanket over me. I staggered into the bathroom, still feeling nauseous. I was a mess, my hair was tangled, and I had makeup smudged under my eyes. I splashed some water on my face and tried to comb my hair with my fingers. It didn't accomplish much and I went in search of my bag. Sure enough, it was sitting on the floor next to the bedroom door. I dragged a brush through my hair and scrubbed my teeth. My mouth tasted awful and I brushed my teeth twice before they felt clean. I turned on the shower and stood in the hot water for a long time before I felt even remotely human. When I got out, I put on jeans and a sweatshirt and made my way down the stairs.

I peered into the living room and smiled when I saw Claire curled up on the couch with a book and a cup of coffee. "Claire?"

She looked up at me and smiled. "You're up earlier than I expected. How are you feeling?"

"Ugh, I've been better. I'm so sorry about last night, I don't even remember half of it. Did I do anything too terrible?"

She laughed. "No, it's fine. We all have nights like that. Want some coffee?"

"God yes, my head is still killing me."

"Tell me what you do remember while I get you some."

I followed her into the kitchen and took some painkillers with a tall glass of water while she got the coffee for me.

"I remember trying to out-drink Mike, which is just stupid since he weighs at least sixty pounds more than I do. And I remember getting in the hot tub, and then running in here to puke, and then nothing till I woke up this morning."

"That's about what I figured. You kind of passed out in the bathroom, so I went in and got you cleaned up and dried off, and Mike carried you upstairs. That's about it. The rest of us hung out in the hot tub and watched some movies, nothing big."

"So other than puking all over your bathroom and having to be carried around, I didn't embarrass myself too horribly?"

She handed me the coffee and I sipped it gratefully. "You're fine." She laughed. "Stop apologizing." We went and sat on the couch and I relaxed back against the cushions gratefully. I definitely wasn't feeling up to doing much yet.

"Where did Mike sleep?" I asked, curious about why I'd ended up in his room.

"I think he went over to your friend Jessica's. It wasn't a big deal. He had planned to go there anyway, and we figured you'd be more comfortable there than on a couch."

"Oh, ok. Thanks. I did sleep really well," I admitted. "I still kinda feel like death though."

She chuckled. "So I never got a chance after Angela and Ben's party to talk to you about Edward," she said.

"Oh?"

She smiled. "Well for one thing, holy hotness."

I laughed. "I know, ridiculous, right?"

"Totally. Did he fly all the way from Italy just to see you?"

I blushed. "Yep."

"And he stayed the whole week?"

"Yeah, he flew in Saturday and left the following Friday."

"Wow. He must really be into you."

I sighed and rubbed at my throbbing forehead. "I don't know what the hell is going on with him."

"Well, no guy flies halfway around the world just to get laid."

I laughed. "No. I know that. I didn't mean it that way. I ... honestly, I'm pretty sure he's in love with me."

"But you guys aren't exclusive, right?" She looked at me out of the corner of her eye. My heart sped up; I wondered if she was just curious or if she meant something else.

"Right. We're just ... fuck, I don't know what we are."

"Have you figured out what you want to be?" she said, her tone was casual, but again I wondered if there was something more behind it.

"We sort of talked about it. That when he got back in May, that he was interested in a relationship. And I am too. Terrified ... but I do want it. I'm in love with him but I am so scared I am going to fuck it up," I paused, "plus there are some other complications."

"Like Rosalie?"

"No, actually she's really cool with things. Surprisingly, she was the one who mentioned it in the first place."

"Mentioned you two being serious?"

"Yeah. So no, she's be ok with it. No, it's other stuff ... stuff I feel like I need to figure out before I commit to anything with Edward. There's someone else." She nodded. "I ..." I was having a hard time getting the words out. "There's someone else that I am interested in, but I don't know how much they're interested in me ..."

"I know how you feel ..." Claire's voice was soft.

I started to open my mouth to tell her, say that I was interested, that I didn't know where I wanted it to go but I couldn't just let it pass by, but a loud voice interrupted me.

"So, I see Pukey McPukes-a-Lot is awake." It was Mike.

I blushed and seriously debated throwing my coffee cup at his head for interrupting.

**~BC~**

I spent the rest of the afternoon there watching movies with Mike and Claire. John was gone and Claire and I sat on the couch, watching a movie. Mike was sprawled on the other couch, half watching the movie, half sleeping. I subtly moved closer to her, leaning in her direction. I shifted every so often, until my leg touched hers. She didn't move away and I could barely focus on the movie. I glanced over at her brother, he had fallen completely asleep. I let my weight rest against hers, so the sides of our bodies were touching. Again, she didn't move. Eventually she shifted and my shoulder fell back to rest against her chest. Her arm slid along mine and our hands touched.

"Do you want to lean back?" she said, and then I was resting in the crook of her body, both of us on our sides. We watched the rest of the movie in silence, spooned against each other. Every nerve in my body tingled with anticipation but somehow I was comfortable, relaxed. When the movie ended and rather than get up to put in another DVD, Claire used the remote to switch to a TV show, although I hardly paid any attention to it. I was too focused on the feeling of Claire's fingertips against the bare skin of the back of my hand and the way her breasts felt where they were pressed tightly against my back. She wound her fingers through mine and I sighed and let myself relax against her more. Her thigh slid against mine and she curved her body around so she was pressed more snugly against the entire length of my body. Our ankles tangled together and I could feel the heat of her thighs along the backs of mine. Her hand unwound itself from mine but instead of pulling away she wrapped it around my waist. She was propped up on one elbow and I could feel her breath, warm against the side of my neck.

Neither of us moved for a while but she slowly worked her hand up across my stomach to graze against the underside of my breast. I gasped quietly and she stopped. I took my hand and covered hers to encourage her to continue. Mike let out a quiet snoring sound and we both stilled. The light across the room was on and I was afraid that if he opened his eyes he'd see what we were doing. She let go long enough to grab the blanket from the back of the couch and I helped her drape it over both of us. Once covered, she moved as if to continue but I took her hand and guided it under my shirt. She touched me gently at first and her lips pressed against the back of my neck. Neither of us spoke, but I could hear both of our breathing over the sounds of the TV. She continued to tease me, and pinched lightly at my nipple, which made me gasp.

Mike snorted quietly in his sleep and woke up, his bleary eyes going to the TV before they traveled to where Claire and I were on the couch. We froze, but all we got was a raised eyebrow and a confused look when he saw us wrapped around each other on the couch. He got up and walked away shaking his head. I don't think he understood how I could possibly be interested in her and not in him. I heard the front door slam behind him. Claire untangled her body from mine and got up just long enough to turn off the light on the other side of the room. When the house was dark and quiet, and we were alon,e she lay down beside me on the couch, facing me.

I tilted my face so I was looking at her and she kissed me. It was tentative at first, and then gradually deepened until we were both gasping. We shifted until I was lying under her. I moaned, her body fit against mine and she felt so small and light lying on top of me. My hand slid across her back, wanting to feel her even closer to me. She toyed with the buttons on my shirt, undoing a few, and her lips moved down my neck a little ways. When my shirt was half-open she slid her hand inside and her fingers tormented my already hard nipple through the fabric of my bra. My pussy ached, and we ground against each other. It was a slow torturous tease that was frustrating but incredibly sexy. My hand slowly slid toward her pussy, wanting to feel if she was as wet as I was. We sprang apart almost guiltily when we heard the sound of keys in the door. I buttoned my shirt back up and tried to fix my hair before John and Mike walked in.

I tried not to glare at them but I was incredibly frustrated that we'd been interrupted. We were all awkward, not sure of what to say. We watched another movie in silence and then she walked outside with me. We kissed by my truck. My hands tangled in her silky hair and I tried not to moan. I wanted to wrap myself up in her. She felt so small in my arms, strong, but small. The moon was bright, and I fleetingly wondered what someone would think if they saw us desperately kissing in the driveway. Eventually we tore ourselves away from each other and I drove back to the dorm in a daze, exhilarated but guilty feeling.

**~BC~**

I had hoped to spend more time with Claire, but the following week she was busy with classes and although I was disappointed, I used it to my advantage. I tried to study whenever I could and I managed to get ahead finally. I was studying one evening when my phone rang. I glanced down when it rang and I nearly dropped it in surprise.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Bella, how are you?"

"I'm alright Jacob, how are you?"

"I'm fine. I haven't talked to you in a while so I thought I would see how it's going."

"Busy, lots going on with classes. Hanging out with Alice and Rosalie a lot." I held my breath anticipating the next question.

"Are you still uh, seeing Edward?"

"Sort of, why?"

"Just curious."

"He's actually doing a study abroad right now; he's in Italy for the semester. But yeah, nothing has ended between us or anything. I am kind of seeing someone else right now too though, I think."

I winced, unsure of how he'd respond. "Oh, ok. Hope the new guy is treating you well." His voice was a little gruff.

"Uh, well." I took a deep breath. "She is."

"She?"

"Um, yeah."

"Oh ... okay." He left it at that, apparently not wanting to delve into exactly what that entailed.

"Just don't mention it to Charlie please; I really don't want to deal with all of that right now. If it got to be serious or anything I would tell him, but not before then."

"Sure. That's cool, I get it."

"What about you, are you seeing anyone?" I desperately hoped he wouldn't take my question the wrong way.

"Yeah I am actually." His voice softened a little.

"Oh wow. What's her name?"

"Leah."

"Leah Clearwater?" I asked, somewhat in shock.

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh." I wasn't sure how I felt about that, although a lot of things were starting to make sense. For one thing, why she'd told Jacob about Edward and I in the first place. "Well, I'm really happy for you Jacob. How long have you been together?"

"A couple of months. We've sort of been flirting for a long time, but it wasn't official until January."

"Wow, that's awesome."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Sure?"

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that I was such a jerk about everything, especially the stuff with Edward. I was a complete ass."

"Thanks." I knew it couldn't have been easy for him to call me to apologize. "I'm sorry too if I kind of flipped out on you."

"Nah, it's alright Bella. I was being a jackass. I just hope we can still be friends."

"Of course Jacob. I've really missed you actually." I had missed him, more than I'd realized. I'd been so focused on being irritated with him that I'd forgotten how much time we used to spend together. "Maybe we could get together sometime soon to hang out. I'll let you know when the next crazy party is around here, or we could get together for dinner or something."

"That sounds great." He seemed relieved.

"And you can bring Leah anytime. Maybe we can all get together sometime."

"Awesome."

I could hear him smile through the phone. I could tell he'd been nervous about my reaction to her. We talked for a few more minutes about school and the news from Forks and La Push. I told him to send my love to his dad and Harry and Sue, and I said goodbye feeling lighter than I had in a long time. I was so glad that he called to clear the air between us. It was one less thing to worry about, one less thing making my life complicated. All I still needed to do was figure out what I was going to do about Claire and Edward. With a groan, I buried my head in my hands. That was so much easier said than done.

**~BC~**

Alice ambushed me after I got back from class the next day.

"Bella? Can we talk?"

"Sure. Come in."

Alice was unusually quiet and subdued looking and for a moment, I was really worried about her.

"Are you okay Alice?" I asked.

She sighed. "Yeah, just needed to talk to you."

"Alright, what is it?"

"I know I promised not to interfere ... and I'm trying, really I am, but I'm worried about you ..."

I nodded. "I know you've been trying Alice and I appreciate it. Really I do. And you have been remarkably restrained. Just tell me what it is you want to say."

She frowned and fiddled with the necklace she was wearing. "What's going on with you and Claire?" she asked eventually.

I sighed, I had known this was coming, but I wasn't sure how to answer her question. "I don't know Ali. I guess we're ... seeing each other. Sort of."

She frowned. "What about Edward?"

"I don't know. It's ... complicated."

She shook her head in frustration. "Are you really that interested in Claire that you feel like it's worth risking losing Edward?"

"I don't know." I felt my shoulders tense. "I know that I feel like I have to see where this is going to go. And he knows about Claire and about why I feel like I have to figure that out."

"Do you love Edward?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Then how can you want to be with anyone else?" She frowned.

"I don't know. I'm ... I'm not you Alice. Edward and I aren't like you and Jasper."

Her face softened as she looked at me. "I know. I know we had it easy. I just would hate to see you throw something away for no reason."

My voice came out a little harsher than I intended. "She's not no reason. I like her a lot. And I need to know how I feel about it. This is a big part of me, and I feel like I need to know for sure where I stand."

Alice nodded. "Just remember, you can't expect him to wait forever."

"I know," I said softly. She hugged me and I sagged against her, suddenly drained and exhausted feeling.

"Let me know if there's anything I can do. I really didn't want to make you feel worse." She closed the door softly behind her and I sat there, staring blankly in front of me. She was right, she always was. I only had until May. I was going to have to make a decision soon. The longer I put this off, the harder it was going to be. On all of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think of Bella's conversation with Jacob?
> 
> -And what about her conversation with Alice?
> 
> Next chapter things with Claire heat up ...


	44. Magdalena

**Chapter Forty Four: Magdalena**

Overcome by your moving temple

Overcome by this

Holiest of altars

So pure

So rare

To witness such an earthly goddess

That I've lost my self control

Beyond compelled to throw this dollar down

Before your holiest of altars

I'd sell

My soul

My self-esteem

A dollar at a time

For one chance

One kiss

One taste of you my Magdalena

I bear witness to

This place

This prayer so long forgotten

So pure

So rare

To witness such an earthly goddess

That I'd sell

My soul

My self-esteem

A dollar at a time

For one chance

One kiss

One taste of you my black Madonna

I'd sell

My soul

My self-esteem

A dollar at a time

One taste

One taste

One taste of you my Magdalena

-"Magdalena" by A Perfect Circle

* * *

Claire took my hand and tugged at it gently. "Let's go upstairs," she whispered.

I followed her, mesmerized by the way her hips gently swayed while she walked. Her shirt rode up a little on her waist and I caught a glimpse of smooth skin. I wanted to press my lips to it, but I held myself back and contented myself with the feeling of her fingers twined in mine. We were alone in the house. We'd been hanging out with Mike and John that night, but they'd decided to run out and get some drinks, snacks, and movies. Left alone, we quickly found ourselves kissing desperately on the couch. No doubt remembering the previous time when we'd been interrupted, she'd stood up and suggested we go to the room upstairs. She lived in the dorms, but stayed over often enough at the house that she used the small room that they had set up as an office and extra bedroom. I'd swallowed hard, thrilled but vaguely nervous at what the night would bring. She walked quickly to the room and closed the door behind us. She flicked on the light by the door. It was dim, just a table lamp on a low setting but I could still see the way she was staring at me.

"I want you Bella," she admitted.

I smiled. "I want you too." Our lips met, softly at first. She fit against me so well, her small frame molding into mine. She felt fragile, but strong. So different from the way I felt when I was kissing Edward. My mind ruthlessly tamped down that thought and I turned my attention to Claire again. She tugged at my top, gently pulling it off me. She let it drop to the floor and kissed the top of my breast, just above the edge of my bra. I whimpered and she smiled at me. I pulled her closer and our lips met again. Her tongue teased mine and her hand cupped my cheek to bring me to her. We kissed for a long time before we finally broke apart and her lips moved down my jaw to my ear. Her teeth grazed against my earlobe and I whimpered again.

"That feels so good Claire."

Her lips sought mine again, frantic this time. I unbuttoned her shirt while we kissed, my fingers fumbling with the buttons. I pulled back long enough to slip it off her and I tossed it on the floor. She stood there in just a bra and jeans and I'd never seen her look more beautiful. I smoothed my hands down her back, her skin was so soft, and I couldn't seem to stop touching her. I pulled her closer and kissed my way down her neck, to her collarbone. Her head fell to the side to allow me better access. Her skin tasted incredible, like honey and linen. I trailed my tongue down to her breast and flicked it against her nipple. She moaned and her hands tangled in my hair. We fell back on the bed and I tugged her pants off. She wore nothing but a pair of small black panties and I slowly pulled them off her. My heart leapt in my chest, nerves overwhelming me all of a sudden. I took a deep breath and kissed down her stomach and along her thighs, flicking my tongue out to taste her skin. She moaned and her hips arched upward, seeking my touch. I traced my fingers up and let them hover right next to her wetness. She whimpered my name and her hand gripped mine.

"Touch me." She breathed, and the sound sent a flood of arousal through me.

I gently worked the last piece of clothing off her and sat there just staring at her for a moment. In the dim warm light her skin glowed, a few shades darker than mine, soft and inviting. Her eyes met mine, pleading for me to continue and I moved closer. Her pussy was beautiful, and already wet. I couldn't wait any longer and I leaned forward, desperate to taste her. A sigh of contentment slipped from her when my mouth touched her. I pushed away any nervous fear of not knowing how to please her and trusted my instincts. I placed soft kisses along her wetness at first and then let my tongue slip out to gently move between her lips. She moaned then, and it was breathy and desperate sounding.

"More."

I flatted my tongue to drag along her skin. She tasted amazing, sweet, and a little bit salty. I slid a finger into her and her hips arched and she shuddered a little.

"God Bella."

"Do you like that?" I asked.

"Yes. Please ... more."

I slid another finger inside of her and flicked my tongue against her clit. She moaned again more loudly and I sucked on her clit, desperate to feel her come against me. I moved my fingers quickly in and out of her, her inner walls gripping them tightly despite how wet she was. I looked up and I could see her playing with her tits. She panted, her head tossing back and forth on the pillow. "Bella ... please ... make me come."

I pulled my fingers out and she whimpered but I added a third finger and pushed them inside of her while I licked her clit harder, pressing my mouth into her soft wetness. I felt the walls clamp down on my fingers and her hips thrashed as she cried out her pleasure. I kept my mouth on her until she lay still underneath me. I pulled away slowly and I heard her breathing, heavy and ragged in the quiet room. She pulled me close and brought the covers up around us. She fell asleep quickly but I lay awake for a while, staring blankly at the dim shapes in the dark room around me. Her warm skin against mine was little comfort from the guilt gnawing at me. It had been incredible, but I felt like I had betrayed Edward. In her sleep, Claire sighed and snuggled up against me. I turned over and placed a soft kiss on her shoulder. Sleep came then, but I woke early.

**~BC~**

"Morning," Claire said softly, and I turned to look at her. Her long hair draped across her bare shoulders and I brushed it away to touch the skin there.

"Morning."

"How do you feel?"

"Good," I answered truthfully. I was no closer to coming to terms with my feelings for both

Claire and Edward, but sleep had dulled the intensity of the guilt and I was content to continue to explore what was between us. "You?"

"Great. You were amazing last night."

"Thanks." I blushed.

"I'd love to reciprocate," she said huskily, trailing a hand down my arm, her fingers brushing across the side of my breast. The air left my lungs in a whoosh of air and she laughed lightly.

"Do you like that?"

"Yes." I moaned when her fingers moved to my nipples. They hardened under her touch and I shuddered when she took one into her wet warm mouth. Her tongue slowly wrapped around the hard peak and I gasped when she sucked on it. She lavished attention on it before moving to the other side and I squirmed under her. Her hand whispered across my side and down over my hip to trail across my thigh. Her hand dipped between my legs and I parted them, eager to feel her fingers on my wet, aching flesh. Her lips moved softly down my stomach, coming to rest just above my pelvis.

"I can't wait to taste you," she whispered huskily and I moaned. Her finger had just slipped in between my lips when I heard the alarm on my phone go off. I was so caught up in her touch that it took me a moment to realize what the sound was. I fumbled for the phone on the nightstand and she paused and looked up at me. I groaned when I saw the time. I had set the alarm the night before, and now I was cursing the fact that I hadn't woken up just a little bit sooner so we could continue before I left.

"Fuck, Claire, I don't want you to stop, but I have to go."

"Why?"

"I have to go back to the dorm before I head to work."

She pouted and licked her way up to my navel. "You sure?"

"Yes. Unfortunately I'm going to be cutting it close as is." She sat back and I sighed and stood up, reaching for my clothes from the night before.

I pulled on my underwear and bra and glanced at her still sitting on the bed. She was looking out the window, although I couldn't see much through the curtains and I wondered if she was alright. The sheets were wrapped around her body but I could see the bare expanse of her back. Her hair was normally fine and silky, absolutely stick straight. But apparently she had curled it yesterday because it was gathered in a low ponytail and tumbled down her back in loose curls. I was so distracted that I hadn't even noticed it the night before.

"Claire," I said quietly. She turned to look at me. "Are you alright?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine."

"You sure?"

She smiled at me. "Yeah, I'm really good. Just thinking. Nothing to worry about."

She stood up and I was momentarily distracted by her naked body, the soft, subtle curve of her hips and her high small breasts. She smiled at me as she dressed.

"Give me one sec and I'll walk downstairs with you."

"Okay."

I sat back down on the bed, trying to tug on my pants. I turned my head to see her behind me and I watched her as she took out her hair tie and tucked her hair up into a messy bun.

"I like the curls," I commented.

"Oh, thanks. I don't do it often, it takes forever. I'm so jealous of your hair." She came over and her hand tangled in my hair to draw my lips to hers. "It sucks that you have to go to work," she murmured.

"Do you want to do something later?" I asked her.

"Definitely. I have a group project I have to work on this afternoon though, how about I call you when I get done?"

"Sure. That sounds good." I reached for my shirt and pulled it on. "What do you want to do tonight?"

Claire came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed my neck. "Well, I have one or two ideas ..."

I laughed and let my head hang forward. "You do huh?"

"Mmm, definitely." She giggled. "I want to pay you back for last night."

She leaned closer to whisper in my ear and I shuddered at the feeling of her breath, warm against my neck. She spoke of all of the things she planned to do to me later and I reluctantly pulled away.

"I have to go ..." I laughed.

We were both still laughing at the naughty things she had been whispering in my ear when we opened the door to her room. My arms were wrapped around her waist and I kissed her neck.

"You can't tell me you wouldn't enjoy that too?" I teased.

She giggled. "I didn't say that." She stopped abruptly when she saw John standing in the hall staring at us. He looked stricken; anger, confusion, and sadness mixing together on his face.

"John ... I ..." Her voice trailed off but she didn't pull away from me.

He shoved past us and slammed the door to his room behind him without a word. She turned to face me and rested her forehead against mine.

"He looked so upset, Bella."

I swallowed. "I know. Are you alright?" I stroked her hair, trying to comfort her even as I was terrified that I'd lost her already.

She sighed. "I guess."

"Is there anything I can do?"

She shook her head and looked at me, her eyes brimming with tears. I pulled her close and she didn't resist. I took a deep breath. "Look, I need to go; I'm already running later than I should be. Do you ... do you still want to come over later?"

Her head flew up and her eyes met mine. "Of course ... I'm sorry. Look, I feel bad if I hurt John, but I want to be with you, Bella."

I smiled a little and my hand pressed against her cheek. "I'm glad. I'm going to head out to the library then, and I'll see you later, ok?" I kissed her and I completely forgot where we were until a loud voice interrupted us.

"Why is it that when my house turns into a lesbian playground it has to involve my sister?" Mike was at the top of the stairs. He rolled his eyes and made a disgusted face. "Seriously ... can't you two go back to the dorm or something at least?"

I laughed and kissed her quickly. "Bye, Claire. Bye, Mike."

**~BC~**

I found myself distracted at work, shelving books in the wrong section and dropping a large stack onto the floor with a loud crash, startling everyone in the area. I sighed and gathered them up, knowing exactly why I hadn't been paying proper attention to my work. I was thinking of Claire of course, but of Edward too. Every time I thought of him my stomach knotted up and I felt queasy. I tried to shove it aside and managed fairly well until my shift ended. I walked back to the dorm, stopping to pick up soup, and half of a sandwich at the Union since the cafe was closed. Claire called while I was waiting in line to let me know that she'd be by my room later in the evening if I was still interested. I laughed, as if I would have decided I no longer wanted to see her. I carried my food back to my room and sat on the floor to eat, resting my back against the couch. I picked at my dinner, suddenly no longer hungry, now that I was alone in my room with time to think. I missed Edward and felt absolutely conflicted about my feelings for Claire. Guilt gnawed at me, twisting my stomach, and making the food seem completely unappetizing. I pushed it away, drawing my knees up to my chest, and wrapping my arms around my shins. Despite the fact that we weren't in a relationship and that nothing I had done with Claire was against the rules that Edward and I had discussed, in so many ways it still felt like I was cheating on him. If I loved him, why was my passion for Claire so all consuming?

I tried not to compare them, but it was impossible. The feel of her skin was different, her size was different, and the way we fit together was different. Most of all, the way I felt was different. I had become accustomed to knowing what every minute sigh and subtle body movement that Edward made meant. I had to learn hers. I could have analyzed his in my sleep. I knew that when his fingers tightened on my hair it meant he was just about to come. I knew that when he sighed after, it was because he didn't want to let me go. I knew that when he got faint furrows between his brows it was because he was worrying about something. I _knew_ him. Inside and out.

Claire felt foreign to me. What was between us was no less explosive or passionate, but it was not the same. We meshed well, but without the emotional connection, it was different. Even through the never ceasing guilt and confusion, a detached part of my brain was curious about all of it. If I weren't in the middle of potentially hurting two people I cared about, it would have been fascinating. There was an intellectual curiosity I couldn't get rid of. I briefly wished I'd been more experienced before Edward. Not because I really wanted to have sex with anyone else, but because I wondered what it was like with other people. Was I just someone who easily grew attached to anyone I was intimate with? Or was it that of all of the people in the world, Claire and Edward were the two I was suited to be with? If I went out and slept with some random guy from class, would it feel the same?

I sighed and reached for Edward's sweatshirt, pulling it from where it was draped on the couch. I tugged it toward me, wrapping myself in his scent for a moment. I closed my eyes, trying to clear my mind so I could think. If I wanted a relationship with Edward when he got back home, I had to be sure of my feelings for Claire. I had to know exactly how I felt about her and about my attraction to women in general. Obviously, I wasn't a lesbian, Edward and every other guy I'd ever been attracted to was proof of that. But it was pretty clear I was bi. I had no moral qualms about it, and while it wouldn't make my life easy if I dated a woman, I knew I had supportive friends. Alice and Rose would be fine with it, and chances are, so would Angela, Ben and Jessica. I knew Jasper and Emmett would be fine. Jake had seemed surprised, but not particularly bothered by it. Charlie would be shocked, but ultimately supportive, though, somewhat uncomfortable about the entire idea of me having sex with anyone, male or female. Sue would just hug me and tell me she loved me. Harry and Billy were less clear, but I suspected that they'd just nod and move on to talking about fishing. There was nothing to hold me back from dating her. I wouldn't lose the people I cared about. Eventually I stirred, sighing as I wrapped up my now cold food and put it in the refrigerator. I'd eat it later if I got hungry. I clicked on my desk lamp, noticing how dark it had gotten. I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to understand why I was so lost and confused feeling.

Did I want to date Claire? Did I want to just explore the chemistry between us, or did I want something more? I wasn't entirely sure. If it hadn't been for Edward, I was pretty sure I would date Claire. But I didn't love her. It was nothing like the way I felt about Edward, I still loved him, nothing had changed that. I was so afraid I'd hurt Edward, but not afraid enough to stop. All I knew was that I wasn't ready to end things with Claire, no matter how guilty it made me feel. I couldn't deny that touching and tasting Claire had been an intense experience.

In the mirror, I saw the necklace he had given me and I pressed my fingertips to it. I hadn't worn it the night before, I had taken it off earlier when we were in the hot tub, but I had put it back on before I left for work. I felt strange wearing it when I was with Claire. It somehow made my guilt so much worse. I took the necklace off with a sigh of regret. I pressed my lips to it and slipped it into the box it came in and tucked it carefully in my dresser drawer. When I was ready, I'd put it on again. When things with Claire had ended, and Edward and I were ready to begin something, I'd wear it.

I turned and stood staring at the couch for a moment, debating if I should pull it out and put sheets on the mattress. I knew Claire was coming over later, and she'd told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted me, but it seemed presumptuous to have the bed ready and waiting. I bit my lip, wondering why I was even worrying about it so much. I sighed and pulled out the sheets, trying to force myself to stop over-thinking everything. Once the bed was made I stretched out on it, pulling a textbook and highlighter out of my bag so I could read for class. I managed to focus well enough that I had covered a chapter and a half when I was interrupted by a tentative knock on the door. I opened it to see Claire standing in the hallway. I swung the door open wider for her to come in and I closed and locked it behind us. She didn't waste any time. Before I even realized what was happening her lips were against mine and she had my body pressed against the door. We kissed feverishly for a few minutes until we broke apart gasping. We stood there for a moment, our foreheads pressed together.

"Hi," I whispered.

She giggled. "Hi. Sorry about that ... I got a little carried away."

"I don't mind," I admitted.

I leaned forward to kiss her again and once again, the fire between us flared out of control. We hurriedly removed our clothing, fingers fumbling for buttons, hands tugging at zippers and fabric. She attacked my neck, lips, and teeth nipping at the sensitive skin. Her nipples were hard against me and I moved my hand to drag my palm across them. She moaned and my thigh slid between hers. We stood there for a few moments, bodies moving together, lips and tongues mingling, hands searching bare skin.

She pulled away breathless, and said, "Wait, I want to try something." I looked at her quizzically but she didn't answer, just turned me around and walked me over to the other side of the room.

I stood in front of the mirror on the wall and moaned when I saw her hand reach up to cup my breast. She teased the nipple into hardness and I shifted a little, suddenly aware of how wet I was. Her lips trailed along my neck and shoulder and I squirmed against her bare body, feeling her hard nipples against my back.

"You're so beautiful," she whispered. Her hand trailed down my stomach, and between my legs, gently parting my aroused flesh.

"Thank you," I gasped. My hips bucked up against her fingers and she continued to explore my body, drawing quiet moans from me. I whimpered with disappointment when her fingers left me, but she took my hand in hers and brought them to my pussy.

She brushed my hair over one shoulder. "I want to watch you. I want to know what you like," she murmured against my neck, the tip of her tongue trailing up to behind my ear. I watched as I shivered and my nipples hardened. She took my hand and pressed it to my clit, I could feel both of our fingers slide across it and then down into my wetness.

"I need to taste you. I've been wanting to ever since we got interrupted this morning. Actually, really I've been wanting to do that since we met."

She brought her fingers to her lips, licked them clean and then took mine into her mouth, sucking on them. I writhed against her, desperate for release. She led me over to the bed and positioned me at the edge of it. She dropped to her knees in front of me and parted my legs.

"Look up," she whispered. When I did, what I saw made me shudder. We were still visible in the mirror and I could see both of us clearly. My legs were spread with Claire kneeling between them. I could see her ass and where it curved into her sex. The light was soft, but I could still see the wetness there. I laid back a little propping myself up on my elbows and watched as she licked me.

"Oh god, Claire."

"How do we look?" she whispered, stroking a finger up and down my wet lips.

"Incredible," I gasped. "I can watch you licking me." She slipped the finger inside of me and lapped at the moisture that had gathered there.

"Can you see me?"

"Yes. God, you're so wet for me, Claire."

"Tell me how it makes you feel."

"I'm so turned on; I want to bury my face between your legs and lick every inch of you clean."

She moaned, and the vibrations stimulated my sensitive skin.

"I need to taste you Claire, now," I begged.

She pulled away from me and gently pushed me back onto the bed. She crawled up beside me and straddled me, lowering her head to my pussy again. She hovered just inches above me and I watched her hips move slowly in rhythm to her licking. I reached up and pulled her to me, wrapped my arms around her hips to lower her to my mouth. I dragged my tongue along the seam, parting her lips with my finger so I could delve deeper.

"Bella," she gasped and lowered her head again to suck me. We moved frantically against each other for a while, licking and sucking at each other desperately. I came with a loud groan, shuddering under her touch. Claire came just a moment later, her arousal coating my lips and tongue. She gasped, and continued to lick at me, and I shuddered.

"Too much," I gasped. She moved her lips to my inner thigh, sucking at a spot there, her teeth nipping at the skin. I licked her clean and we gently disentangled ourselves. She turned so we were both laying the same way on the bed, pulling the sheet up over us. Her smooth skin slid against mine and I sighed with pleasure. There was nothing awkward or uncomfortable about our being together like I'd feared.

I chuckled. "Well I guess this clarifies a few things." My finger drew lazy circles across Claire's back.

"What do you mean?" She turned to face me, eyes sleepy and lips curved into a soft smile.

"I mean it answers any questions about what I am, what you are."

She sighed and looked away from me. "I never had any questions, Bella."

I bit my lip, "I'm sorry ... I didn't mean ..."

"I know. And I know to most people it does matter. They need to define it. And that's ok. I'm just not that person. I like you because of who you are ... gender just doesn't matter."

"Claire, you don't think I like you just because you're a woman, and interested in me, do you?"

She turned back to face me, "No, I'm not saying that at all. I just really hate the idea of labeling myself. If this helped you know who you are, then I'm very glad. It just ... it means something different to me I guess."

I nodded. "I can understand that. I just ... I feel like the more I know who I am; the more I'll know what I want to be. Who I want to be in the future."

"That's ok. I don't expect that anyone else feels the way I do about it." She kissed the tip of my nose. "I like being with you, and that's all I'm really going to focus on."

I smiled. "I like being with you too."

"Have you talked to Edward about this?"

I winced. "No."

"How come?"

I sighed. "I'm not sure what his reaction is going to be. Over break, he pretty much told me he knew I needed to figure out what was going on between you and me. But I don't know. I mean he and I aren't exclusive, at least not officially. But he's mentioned before that he hasn't been with anyone else. And neither have I, until now," I paused, "and I guess that's something we should talk about too, did you want to be exclusive?"

"I don't know," she said, honestly. "I'm not sure how I feel about it."

"I know that I'm not ready to lose Edward."

Her hand grabbed mine. "So let's just have fun with it, and see where it goes. Just promise you'll tell me if you change your mind, either way."

I squeezed back. "Alright. You too." She gave me a slow and lingering kiss.

"Have you talked to John about this?"

She let go and rolled over onto her back to look at the ceiling. I was momentarily distracted when the sheets slipped to her waist. I stared at her for a moment before reaching out to touch her shoulder. She looked over at me and smiled sadly. "No, I haven't, not for lack of trying. I called him like four times today, but he won't talk to me. And he didn't come out of his room at all."

"That's shitty."

"Yeah it is, especially because he really has no right to be pissed." She sighed. "But I imagine how I'd feel if I saw him with someone else, and I'd probably hate it too."

I nodded. "You'd think he'd at least be enjoying the typical male fantasy about the two of us together."

She laughed. "No kidding," she paused for a moment, "I wonder if he'd be alright with that."

"Being with you and another girl?"

"Yeah." She grinned at me, "Interested?"

I laughed, "Theoretically? Yes. I'm not quite sure I'd be ok with it in your situation though, since you really want to be in a relationship with him. I think it could get pretty complicated. And there's already a whole lot of drama there."

"I don't blame you. But I have to admit there's a small part of me that would totally be into it though. If the situation was different."

"Oh me too. Don't think I've never considered the idea of you and Edward and I."

"It's crossed my mind before, too."

"Being with both John and I?"

"No, being with you and Edward." She laughed. "He's just so damn pretty."

"I know, it's ridiculous."

"But you ... you're even more gorgeous."

Before I could argue with her, she kissed me and our tongues tangled together. She rolled on top of me, her thigh slipping between mine and I let my legs fall apart, bringing her thigh up so we were straddling each other. We were both still sensitive and aroused and we rocked together, finding our pleasure quickly. She collapsed on top of me, breathless and sated. "That I've been wanting to do this since the night we got interrupted on the couch."

I laughed and wrapped my fingers in her hair, tilting her head up to kiss her. "Mmm, me, too."

"So, do you mind if I stay here tonight?"

"No, not at all. Do you need to go get anything from your room?"

She nodded. "Let me go grab my toiletries and some clothes for tomorrow."

"Don't bother with pajamas."

She grinned at me. "Oh I hadn't planned to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to apologize for this chapter. For the die-hard Edward/Bella fans, I know it's hard. But this was always the way this story was going to play out. There will be a bit more between Bella and Claire, but they will end. Edward and Bella will have their HEA. Just be patient with me while I get them there.


	45. Be Kind to My Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And one more for you tonight to make up for the total lack of updates lately.

**Chapter Forty Five: Be Kind To My Mistakes**

It is this that brings us together.

It is this that brings us together.

It's all right, darling,

We can do this together.

It's all right, darling,

I can think of nothing better.

I don't know you,

And you don't know me:

It is this that brings us together.

It is this that brings us together.

It is this that brings us together.

I don't know what you are

(It is this that brings us together.)

Looking for in me.

I don't know what I want,

(It is this that brings us together.)

But my heart is needing.

Am I yours? Are you mine?

We'll find all we're meant to find.

In your life, in my life,

There are secrets too dark

To let out, to let go of,

To get over.

But that's all right, baby.

That's all right by me.

It's all right now.

(Just let me say)

Please, ("Yea, yo, yea, yo!")

Please, ("Yea, yo, yea, yo!")

Please, ("Yea, yo, yea, yo!")

Please be kind

To my mistakes.

Be kind,

Be kind

To me.

All love grows

-"Be Kind To My Mistakes" by Kate Bush

The next day I called Edward to tell him about Claire. I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do, but ultimately I decided that being honest with him was better than trying to hide it.

"Hey." My voice was soft; I was nervous, unsure of what to say.

"Hey, Bella."

"Can I talk to you, Edward?"

"Sure, what is it?" He sounded worried.

"There's something you need to know."

There was silence from his end and then a hesitant question. "You're not pregnant are you Bella?"

"What? No ... god no. Definitely not, Edward."

I heard a sigh of relief. "You scared me for a moment there."

"I'm sorry. No, it's not that. I really didn't mean for you think that."

"It's ok. You just sort of freaked me out there for a second."

"I'm sorry." I took a deep breath. "I just ... I wanted to let you know that Claire and I ... we sort of ..."

"You slept with Claire." His voice was carefully neutral, giving nothing away.

"Yes." Silence followed. "I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have told you."

He sighed. "No, I'd rather know."

"Are you alright, Edward?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I really care about you, Bella, and I knew this was going to happen when I was visiting over break. So no, I'm not upset with you. I have no right to be. I chose not to ask you if you wanted a relationship with me then because I knew you were interested in her. I knew you needed this. But I want to be with you, only you and it hurts."

"I know." My voice was soft, "But I care about Claire too. Not even close to the way I care about you, but I can't say it's entirely physical either."

"I know you do. I knew it then, and I should have said something I guess."

"What would you have said?"

"That I'm crazy about you. That I want to be with you and no one else. I'm talking about a relationship, Bella."

A tear slipped down my cheek. "I wish you had."

"Me too." We were both quiet for a moment and then he continued. "Intellectually, I know this is probably for the best, you're still so young. I'm your first lover and I know you need to see where things will go with Claire, not just because I'm the only person you've slept with," he corrected himself, "I was the only person you'd slept with, but because it is different ... because she's a woman. I guess you have to figure out how you feel about that. And what it is that you want."

"I don't want to lose you, Edward."

"I don't want to lose you either." His voice sounded thick and he was having difficulty speaking. "Are you and Claire together?"

"No. We're just going to see where it goes for now."

"Would you want to still see me when I get home?"

"Of course," I said, my voice wavering. "Unless you don't want to be with me now that Claire and I are seeing each other."

He took a deep breath before he spoke. "If you want me, I'm yours Bella, no matter what. I'm not going to pretend like this is easy. Or that it doesn't hurt like hell for you to be with her too, but I do understand."

"Thank you. I don't deserve you."

"You're going to break my heart."

My voice was soft. "I always thought you'd be the one breaking mine, Edward."

He sighed. "Not in this lifetime anyway."

"Do you really believe that? Believe in past lives and all of that?"

"I don't know. Maybe. I know that sometimes I feel like I've always been with you and I kind of like that idea."

"Yeah, I do too."

We were both silent for a while and then he spoke, "I should be going Bella. I'm exhausted and it's late here."

"Alright."

I sat staring out the window for a long time after I hung up. I knew I was being selfish, wanting them both and not being willing to commit myself to just one yet. But I didn't know how to make that choice. And for better or for worse, I was going to have to see it through. I just desperately hoped that I wasn't going to lose them both.

~BC~

I hadn't seen Claire since she left that morning. She had a full day of classes and another group project meeting. She'd apologized, saying she wasn't sure what time she'd be able to come over that night, if at all. I wandered down to Alice's room to see if she was ready for dinner. She had been quiet about Claire since our last conversation and I appreciated it. She chattered about her classes and a big project she had coming up in a few weeks. I griped about the Geology paper I had to write, and what a big waste of time it was as we waited in line for spaghetti, meatballs, and Antipasto salads. It was one of the few really good meals the caf offered. When we sat down to eat we were both silent for a minute and Alice seemed particularly engrossed in twirling her pasta around her fork. She perked up when I told her about Jake's call.

"That's so great Bella. I'm really glad things are getting back to normal around here."

I winced, knowing they were anything but.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I've missed him."

We both ate in silence for a little while longer.

"Oh, so I keep forgetting to ask you," she suddenly blurted out. "What do you plan to do for the summer?"

"Geeze, I hadn't really thought about it."

"Well, do you want to move back to Forks or do you want to stay here in Seattle?"

"Stay here in Seattle I think. I can still get hours at the library here on campus."

"Cool, I wanted to also, but I thought I'd talk to you first."

"Sure."

"I was thinking about moving into an apartment, do you want to get one with me?"

"As long as it's in my price range, sure."

"Yeah of course," Alice said. "I've been looking at a few. There's one I really like, but I think it might be a little pricier than you want. But, I might have a way of working around that."

"Well, what's your plan?"

"It's a two bedroom, two bath. One bedroom is a little bigger, has a huge walk-in closet, and a bathroom with a jetted tub. The other bedroom is smaller, with a basic closet, and there's a second bathroom but it's not en suite. I was thinking I could pay a little more for the bigger room, maybe split the cost 60/40, or even 70/30. I kind of figured I'd get more use out of the closet anyway ..."

"That might work. I'd want to take a look at the apartment and talk to Charlie about everything, but it's definitely a possibility."

She beamed at me. "That's awesome."

She reached into her book bag and pulled out several glossy brochures. I studied them while we ate, liking the layout of the apartment, and how close to campus it was. The price was a little high, but if Alice was willing to pay extra for the bigger room, it seemed like it would work.

"It's kind of generic, but it looks pretty nice. And we can paint as long as we're willing to paint it back to white when we move out."

"That's nice." I nodded and took a bite of my salad.

"Yeah, I have it all planned out."

I chuckled. "I'm sure you do."

She grinned at me. "Any ideas for your room?"

"Nah." I shrugged. "I'll probably just go for tan on the walls or something. It'll look nice with the comforter I have."

"The pale green is kind of boring."

"Right now, it's really not my top priority," I said apologetically.

She smiled sympathetically. "I know, I'm sorry."

"No, it's alright. Things are just really complicated. And I appreciate that you haven't pushed it with me."

She nodded. "I'm trying."

"I know."

Alice and I finished our dinner and watched a movie. When she left, I called Charlie to talk to him about our plans for the summer. He told me that as long as I kept my job at the library and Alice agreed to pay a larger portion of the rent, he was fine with us getting an apartment. Alice was thrilled when I told her and she said she was going to draw up some sketches of what she wanted to do with the rooms. I shook my head in amusement and told her to have fun.

I was already in bed and half asleep when Claire texted me, asking if I wanted her to still come over. I replied yes and unlocked my door for her; a short while later she slid into bed beside me and we were both asleep almost immediately. Just before I fell asleep, I hear Edward's voice echo in my head, _you're going to break my heart._

In the morning, I woke up to her tongue lapping at my nipple. I moaned and buried my hands in her hair.

"Good morning to you, too," I said huskily.

She giggled and continued to tease me, her lips traveling down over my stomach as her fingers slid between my legs. "Sorry I was too tired for this last night." She licked the soft skin just above my clit and I squirmed under her.

"That's alright." I gasped. "You can make it up to me now."

"Oh I intend to." She giggled and her tongue circled my clit. I shifted my hips, wanting to feel her mouth on it but she resisted, pressing my thighs down, and parting my lips to lick at my opening.

I heard a guttural moan leave my mouth and she dipped her tongue inside of me, stiffening it to fuck me with her tongue. "God, Claire ..." I gasped and she continued until I felt my head thrash on the pillow with a desperate need to come. Her tongue retreated to be replaced with two fingers and when she curled them up inside of me and her tongue returned to suck at my clit, I came hard. When I came down from my orgasm I realized I'd been yanking on her hair and I let go, apologizing.

She laughed and kissed my inner thigh. "I like it."

I reached for her and her body slid up over mine. I shuddered when our nipples dragged over each other. Unfortunately, we both had a busy schedule that day so we parted with a kiss and a promise to continue later that evening. Once again, Edward's voice followed me, reminding me what was at stake.

~BC~

After dinner and homework, we tumbled into bed. I couldn't get enough of making her come on my tongue, her thighs flexing beside my ears as she shuddered and panted out her pleasure. We spent the rest of the evening in bed, watching movies and fooling around.

"Know what I really want?" She asked.

"Me?" I teased her.

She laughed. "Well yes. I do. But more importantly, I want you in the shower."

"Mmm, sounds nice. How are we going to pull that one off?" I leaned forward and kissed her bare shoulder.

"I think if we wait until late it'll be fine. We can just head down there five or ten minutes apart, and sneak into the same shower."

"You know I'm no good at being quiet."

"I know." She stroked my forearm. "That's why I said we'll have to do it late."

"You are going to make me exhausted for classes tomorrow, you know."

"Oh I plan to."

"You're such a bad influence." I lay back down on the bed and stretched. She turned around and crawled over to me, kissing her way from my stomach to my neck.

"I haven't heard any complaints yet."

"Ask me tomorrow when I fall asleep in Stats."

"We can take a nap, set the alarm for 1:00 a.m."

"That'll work." We turned off the lights and settled into bed. We fell asleep in a tangle of bare limbs, her hand curving around to rest against my stomach. I groaned when the alarm went off.

"Are you sure we want to do this?" I asked hoarsely.

"Yes." She was up and awake immediately, pulling on a robe, and grabbing her shower caddy.

"Trust me, it'll be worth it."

"Sometimes you're as bad as Alice," I groaned.

She laughed. "Now that's just mean. No one's as bad as that. Besides, I know for a fact that Alice doesn't give you orgasms."

"That's true. Go shower, I'll be there in a bit." I sat up in bed, glancing around the room as she left. Claire had pretty much moved in. We didn't want to make her roommate Julie uncomfortable so we'd been spending our time in my room. Julie seemed fine with the two of us being together, but we didn't want to be obnoxious about it. Plus, the privacy my room offered was nice. I pulled on my robe and tidied up a few things before going down the hall. It was deserted, and I was grateful that at least so far no one had seen us together.

There was only one shower running when I got down there and Claire's soft blue towel hung over the edge. "Claire?" I called out quietly and she spoke from the curtain in front of me.

"In here, Bella."

I slipped inside and hung my robe and towel in the changing area before pulling aside the curtain to the actual shower. "Hey."

"Hey." She smiled at me. "All quiet?"

"Yeah, no one's around."

"Good. Now come here." She pulled me close and I moaned as our bare skin slid together. Her body was wet and I couldn't resist bending down to lick at one of her nipples. She pushed me up against the shower wall and dropped to her knees. She parted my legs and pulled one up to rest on her shoulder while she dove in to lick my pussy.

"Jesus," I panted, overwhelmed by her sudden assault on my sensitive skin. She looked up at me and the sight of her face between my legs was almost too much. I shuddered against her, pulling her tight against me as she sucked on my clit. "Fuck, Claire."

I moved so she was the one against the wall and kissed her, tasting my arousal on her lips. Our nipples rubbed together making them incredibly sensitive. I slid my hand between her thighs and let my thumb graze over her clit. Her hips bucked to meet my hand and I slipped a finger into her wetness. She gasped and her tongue met mine in a heated kiss. I cradled the back of her head in my hand and pressed closer to her. Her thigh slid between mine and I rubbed myself against her as I pleasured her. I added a second finger and she shuddered. When I added a third finger, she gasped loudly, and buried her head against my neck, trying to muffle the sounds of her orgasm.

"Fuck, Bella," she cried and I touched my lips to her to quiet her. We finished showering, laughed quietly as we toweled each other dry, and put on our robes, amazed that we'd gotten away with it. The bathroom was deserted and so was the hallway as we walked back to my room. We crawled into bed and were asleep quickly. I awoke to Claire hastily shutting off the alarm and crawling out of bed.

"Do you have to leave already?" I mumbled.

She sat down on the edge of the bed and ran her hand over my hair. "Yeah, I have an early class. I re-set your alarm for 8:40, that'll give you enough time to get to Stats, right?"

"Uh-huh," I said sleepily.

"Okay. See you later."

"Bye, Claire," I murmured, already drifting back to sleep. I felt her lips softly touch my cheek just before I was completely asleep. I dreamed of Edward that night, looking lost and broken. I awoke sick to my stomach and wondering what on earth I should do.

I managed to stay awake in Stats although I found my mind drifting. I was relieved when class ended and I gathered up my books to leave. When I walked out of the building, I was surprised to see Claire sitting on the bench.

"Claire?" She turned to me and smiled before standing up to hug me and press a brief kiss to my lips. "What are you doing here?" I asked. I was dimly aware that there were a couple of people standing there gawking at us but I tuned them out. I decided I didn't care what they thought of us. It was a fairly liberal campus, but I could hardly expect that we'd never have to face disapproving eyes. I didn't mind what people thought but I was a little bit surprised by her actions.

"I got out a bit ago and thought I'd see what you were up to today."

"Oh, I have another class later this afternoon, but that's all. Why, what did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking we could grab lunch."

"Oh, sure. That would be nice. Sushi?"

Her eyes sparkled as she smiled at me. "I'd love that."

We shared a sampler platter and I found myself watching her more than I was paying attention to eating. There was something so vibrant and alive about her, it was nearly irresistible. Alice was a fiery ball of energy, but Claire positively glowed. I felt alive around her, everything magnified and thrilling. We parted reluctantly to finish classes for the day. I finished my day in a daze, consumed by the guilt I felt.

 _You're going to break my heart,_ echoed over and over in my mind until it crowded out everything else in my head.

~BC~

When I came back from my late shift at the library that night, instead of going right to Claire's room, I went into my own alone. I needed some time to think. In the midst of shelving books I'd come to the realization that something didn't feel right. The guilt I'd been struggling with for months now had reached an unbearable level. I kept replaying Edward's voice in my head, _you're going to break my heart._ The idea that I had that much power over someone else scared me. I'd been so sure I was making the right decision exploring things with Claire, but it had hurt the one person I never wanted to cause pain to. It wasn't going to be easy, but I realized with a sinking feeling in my stomach, that things with Claire needed to end. No matter what Edward told me he could handle, he didn't deserve to be treated that way.

It wasn't that I was in love with Claire, far from it really. Attracted to, infatuated with, yes. I had a crush on her. If I'd never met Edward, I would have been willing to see if it went further. But as intense as my fascination with Claire was, something felt off. My feelings for her paled in comparison to the way I felt for Edward. It had nothing to do with her, or with the fact that she was a woman. She was wonderful, smart, funny, and sexy. I could be happy with her. But she wasn't Edward, and she never would be.

I felt like there was so much more I could explore with her, so much we hadn't tried, but would it ever be enough? Would there be a point where I could call things off and feel like I had learned what I needed to? Or had I already reached that? I was bi. That was what I had struggled with, wondered about. Now I knew.

It had been selfish enough of me to ask Edward to be understanding while I sorted out my sexuality. If I continued anything with her, it would be much worse. Every moment I was with Claire, I hurt him more. And I couldn't stand the thought of that. He deserved so much better. He had been more understanding than I had any right to expect. He had given me the opportunity to figure out what I needed and I was so grateful. I was still somewhat nervous about a relationship with him, but I wanted it, more than I had ever expected to.

My phone beeped. It was Claire asking if I wanted her to come over when she was finished studying. I texted her back to let her know that I had some things I needed to do that night, and that I'd talk to her the next day. I needed a night alone to think things through and I promised myself that the next day I'd talked to her.

It was time for me to end things with Claire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Do you understand what point Bella had to get to in order for her to realize what she could lose with Edward?
> 
> -How do you think things will go with Claire when it ends?


	46. Cup of Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think everyone is glad to hear that things with Claire are going to end.
> 
> If you can, listen to "Cup of Coffee" by Garbage. It's an amazing song and it really does add to the chapter.

**Chapter Forty-Six: Cup of Coffee**

You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee

And I just have to look away

A million miles between us

Planets crashing into dust

I just let it fade away

I'm walking empty streets hoping we might meet

I see your car parked on the road

The light on at your window

I know for sure that you're home

But I just have to pass on by

So no of course we can't be friends

Not while I'm still this obsessed

I guess I always knew the score

This is how our story ends

I smoke your brand of cigarettes

And pray that you might give me a call

I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls

Hanging round bars at night wishing I had never been born

And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home

So no of course we can't be friends

Not while I still feel like this

I guess I always knew the score

This is where our story ends

You left behind some clothes

My belly somersaults when I pick them off the floor

My friends all say they're worried

I'm looking far too skinny

I've stopped returning all their calls

And no of course we can't be friends

Not while I'm still so obsessed

I want to ask where I went wrong

But don't say anything at all

It took a cup of coffee

To prove that you don't love me

-"Cup of Coffee" by Garbage

* * *

The following night I stopped at the Union on my way back from the library to get coffee. I had been there late studying, and I had more to do once I got back to the dorm. I had been distracted, thinking about what was going to happen with Claire and Edward.

I loved Edward, and I was committed to making something work with him, but I really didn't know how I was going to tell Claire that I thought we should end it.

I mulled it over as I waited for my coffee. I knew Claire was swamped with work, so I picked her up a latte, too. I tried to find the exact right words to say to Claire, but I was no closer to reaching a conclusion by the time I made it back to the dorms. Juggling the cups of coffee, I knocked on her door. I nearly dropped the cups when I saw her face.

"Claire, what's wrong? What happened?"

She looked like she'd been crying and she didn't meet my eyes. She took the cup I handed her without really seeming to notice it and stepped back.

"I … I need to talk to you, Bella," she said softly

I shut the door behind me and led her over to the couch. She absently sat the cup on the floor and stared down at it.

"What's going on? You're scaring me."

She took a deep breath and looked down at the floor for a while before finally looking up at me.

"I don't know how to say this."

I set down my cup but found myself fidgeting with nothing in my hands. "Whatever it is … I'm sure I'll understand," I encouraged her.

She gave me a sad smile and cleared her throat. "Look. I hate to do this, but I think we need to end this."

"I ... I don't understand, Claire. I thought it was going well." I stared at her in shock.

"It is going well. The past few days have been wonderful. I just …"

"It's John, isn't it?" I asked, as it finally dawned on me. She nodded. "So that's it then?" I stared at her numbly. I was relieved to be honest, but it was still hard to hear that it was completely over.

"I'm sorry, Bella." Her eyes were full of tears, "I know this isn't fair."

I sighed. "I knew it would happen, Claire. I'm not mad at you. I knew going into this that if John ever got up the nerve to tell you he wanted to be together that it would be over between us. You were honest about it."

She took my hand. "I am sorry though."

"I know." I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "What did he say exactly?"

"Are you sure you want to know?" She looked concerned.

I nodded. "Yeah, I do."

"He said that he's been in love with me for years and that he was afraid to do anything because of what Mike would say. But that seeing me with someone else made him realize that he couldn't let me get away."

I smiled sadly. "I'm glad he was able to do that."

She looked at me incredulously. "Really?"

I swallowed hard and took a couple of deep breaths to steady myself. "Well, I will be eventually. For your sake, I am glad; I know you love him."

She nodded, eyes filling with tears again. "I really do. But I never wanted to hurt you Bella, do you believe that?"

"Yes." I sighed. "I was thinking about ending it too, to be honest, I just didn't know what to say," I admitted. "I guess I was coming here to tell you that I think we've hurt enough people. I like you a lot, but I'm in love with Edward and I need to be with him."

She nodded. "I saw you two at the party and you looked so happy together. He loves you so much Bella."

I tried to swallow past the lump in my throat. "I know."

"Do you think … do you think we can still be friends?" Her voice was soft and hopeful.

"No."

The tears that had been threatening to spill down her cheeks finally did. "Why?"

I wiped them away with my thumb. "I can't be around you without wanting to kiss you and be close to you. I'm sorry. I wish I could, but it would be too painful. I still have feelings for you, Claire; I can't just turn that off. Even if I know it's the right decision to end things."

"Do you think that might change someday? I mean, us being friends again." She took my hands in hers again and held them tight.

"I don't know, Claire. I won't say no … but I can't promise that it will ever be any easier."

"That's fair." She looked down for a moment. "What do you think will happen with Edward?"

I realized her hands were still gripping mine and I sighed and pulled away. "I have no idea. He's pretty hurt right now and I don't know if we'll be able to work through it. He said he was okay, but I haven't talked to him since and I'm really scared that I lost him." I rubbed my hands over my face. "God this is fucked up."

"Why? Because you care about both of us?"

I sighed. "Yeah."

"I care about you and John."

"I know. That doesn't make it any easier." We stare at each other in silence for a while and then

I stood up. "I have to go, Claire."

"Can't you stay? Just for a little while... " she pleaded with me.

I shook my head. "No. I need to leave."

Her eyes looked pleadingly into mine and for a moment, I almost wavered. But I took a deep breath and moved toward the door.

"Wait," she said and she put her arms around me. "I won't ever forget you."

"I won't ever you forget you either, Claire."

Her lips sought mine and I let myself kiss her back. It was soft and achingly painful. I brushed my palm against her cheek and drew away.

"I'm sorry, Bella," she sobbed.

"I know." I turned and walked out of the room, pulling the door shut behind me. I stumbled to my room, only vaguely aware of the people at the other end of the hall watching me. I made it to my room and into my bed before my tears returned. I missed her already, I ached for her, and nothing could make that go away.

**~BC~**

I walked around campus in a daze the next day. Everything I saw reminded me of her. The coffee shop we spent so much time at, the sushi place where we ate dinner on Valentine's Day, a company delivery truck with the name of her father's business on the side. It was ridiculous and yet I couldn't seem to stop. I jumped in class when the professor called out her name, but it was someone else, another girl in class who I hadn't even realized was named Claire. The worst part was I felt completely alone. Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett were too close to the situation to really give me an objective opinion. And I had hurt Edward enough. Claire had been the person I had gone to lately when I was upset about something and I realized that it was her friendship I missed the most.

It wasn't easy giving up the pleasure she'd given me, and a small part of me wondered what could have happened between us, if circumstances had been different. If I had never met Edward, and she'd never met John, would we have dated? Moved in together someday? Built a life together? For a brief, fleeting moment, I could see it. A cozy apartment, Claire feeding me sushi from a pair of chopsticks, kissing me goodbye every morning …

But I'd never know if that would have come true or not. Maybe we wouldn't have worked out. Either way, I hated that I had lost a friend. That was what stung the most.

Once class was over, I wandered to a small garden hidden between two buildings. It was warm out, and while it wasn't very sunny, it wasn't raining either. I found a bench in a quiet corner of the courtyard and laid back. I wondered what Edward was doing right then, and if Claire had thought about me at all. I rubbed my hands over my face, knowing how ridiculous it was that I was so fucked up about both of them. I lay there quietly for a little while, trying to sort out my feelings until loud voices interrupted my thoughts. Irritated, I sat up and grabbed my bag. A couple walked by, holding hands and looking obscenely happy together. _Fuck them_ , I grumbled to myself and walked back to my dorm. _Fuck class._ Class seemed pointless. Instead of going, I spent hours writing in a notebook, pouring out my feelings across the blank pages as I retreated into myself. My brain was on autopilot, and I went through the motions of eating and showering. I felt too raw to really deal with anyone or anything. It wasn't just that Claire was gone, but that things with Edward were shaky and uncertain and the guilt that I had been trying to quell when I was with Claire.

I was restless later that night. The air in my room felt claustrophobic and I felt trapped, unable to breath. I'd been trying to sleep for hours but all I could do was toss and turn. It was as if I was itchy from the inside out or had drunk seventeen cups of coffee. Unable to stand it anymore I threw on running clothes and left the dorm. By the time, I hit the bottom of the stairs outside of the building I was running. I ran until my lungs ached and my legs felt like jello. Clearly, I'd been slacking in the last few weeks. I collapsed on a bench and sat there breathing hard. I hadn't spoken to Edward in days and I desperately missed him. I glanced at my phone, it was three a.m. in Seattle; it would be noon in Italy. I typed in a quick message to Edward begging him to call me, and less than a minute later, my phone rang.

"What's wrong, Bella?" He sounded worried and anxious. The moment I heard his voice I broke down in tears.

"I'm a mess," I sobbed.

"Are you hurt?"

My first thought was to say yes, but I knew he meant physically. I took a deep heaving breath and tried to calm myself. "No, I'm just really upset."

His voice softened. "What happened?"

"Claire and I ended it."

He was silent for a moment before he spoke, "I'm sorry, Bella."

"Are you?" I asked, still shuddering to keep from crying.

"I am very sorry that you're hurting because of this. But I'll admit I'm not sorry that it's over."

"That's fair." I sniffled.

"Are you going to be alright?"

"Eventually." I sighed. I had finally stopped crying and instead I felt exhausted and drained.

"Good," he paused and was silent for a moment. "I wish I could be there with you."

"I know. I feel like a horrible person though."

"Why?"

"Because you're being so sweet and you want to take care of me even though I'm freaking out over someone else." I wiped at my cheeks with the back of my hands.

"That doesn't make you a horrible person."

"Well, I feel like I am."

He sighed. "Please don't."

"Thank you, Edward."

"For what?"

"For being here for me, even though it has to be hurting you."

"It does. But you're worth it." He sighed again. "I'm sorry, I wish I could stay on the phone with you but I have to get to class. Try to get some sleep and take care of yourself. I'll be home soon and we can figure this out. I promise I'll help you get through this."

"Thank you. I…you mean a lot to me, Edward."

"You mean a lot to me too, Bella. You have no idea how much actually. Please, just take care of yourself. I'll be home soon. We'll figure this out then."

"Ok." My voice was small. I felt calmer after talking with him though and I walked home, my legs tired and shaky feeling. I collapsed into bed and slept until late the next day.

**~BC~**

Every night after that felt longer and more lonely. I didn't see Claire and I was grateful. She was with John and I didn't think I could handle seeing them together. I held myself together fairly well for about a week until I ran across photos of Claire on my computer. Alice was always photographing something, and she'd taken several at Mike's party. There was one of the two of us standing together laughing at something. And another with her arms wrapped around me, my hand in her hair as we kissed passionately. There were several of Claire by herself, laughing or smiling, her eyes sparkling and her face bright and happy. I traced my fingers across the screen wishing I could touch her instead. I felt a tear work its way down my cheek and I blinked, trying to hold them back. It was too late and I felt my chest heave and a sob rip from my throat. I cried for what felt like hours.

I didn't know if it was worse that we never really had a chance, or that what we had managed to create together had been so fleeting that it was gone before I could really enjoy it. I didn't love Claire, but it was painful giving up the idea of her. The possibility of what we could have been. It was so easy to see the path of my life diverge- one direction for Edward, one for Claire. Being with Edward would be easier. It would be a struggle to be with Claire. But it stung that I didn't even have a chance to try to make it work. I could love her, given the chance. But there were no more chances. Our time was up. All I could focus on was that Edward was coming home and that he would make it all better.

I cried until my throat ached and I was exhausted. When my tears had dried, I got up, shrugged into a sweatshirt, and grabbed my keys and phone. I needed to go for a run to clear my head, my mind felt foggy and dull. It was raining of course. There had hardly been a break in the clouds since last week. I struck out at a quick jog. Campus was nearly deserted and I was grateful for the quiet. The run gave me a small measure of peace. I felt more clear-headed than I had in a long time and while I didn't necessarily feel any less upset, I felt less fragile, less likely to break down at any moment. When I opened the door to my room, I stopped at the sight of my messy bed. Since things had ended, I'd slept on the pull out couch. I stripped the sheets from the mattress, breathing in her scent one last time before throwing them in the laundry basket. I tugged the cover onto the mattress and pushed the bed back until it was nothing but a couch. I'd sleep in my narrow lofted bed that night and pretend that the lack of space and change of scenery would help me forget, would make me feel less lonely. It was time for me to move forward, wallowing wasn't going to solve anything.

**~BC~**

I was attempting to study one afternoon when Alice came in and sat down on the couch.

"So, I'm really nervous, Bella," she said without preamble.

"What are you nervous about?" I asked, putting my books aside. Alice was never nervous.

"Well, I'm going home with Jasper to meet his family the weekend after school gets out."

"Oh wow."

She fidgeted with the necklace she was wearing; it had been a gift from Jasper for their one-year anniversary. It was a sapphire that brought out the shades of blue in her grey eyes and I remembered how excited she'd been when he got it for her.

"I know. This is kind of a huge step. And I'm sure it'll be fine, but god … I am so freaking nervous about it."

"It went fine when he met your parents," I pointed out.

"I know, and I'm probably just being paranoid, but what if they don't like me?" She looked up at me and her wide eyes were full of tears.

"Oh, Al, everyone loves you, how could they not? You're the perfect girl for Jasper, and I know they'll see that."

"I hope so." She sniffed. I came and sat beside her on the bed and gave her a hug. "Was it scary meeting Edward's parents?" she asked.

"No, but I was just meeting them as a friend of Edwards."

"Oh come on. Like they couldn't figure it out?"

"I hope not," I groaned.

"Well they had to know he was interested in you."

"Al... " I said.

She winced. "Sorry. I'll shut up now."

"No, it's fine." I sighed. "I'm just worried about what's going to happen when he gets home." I shook my head to clear it. "But that's not what's important right now. Jasper's parents are going to love you. I promise. You're an amazing person Alice and he loves you so much. I don't have any doubts."

She sniffed and threw her arms around me. "Thank you, Bella."

"You're welcome." I hugged her and we spent the rest of the afternoon talking. She finally coaxed me into telling her how things had ended with Claire and it felt good to get it out.

That evening Rose joined us and the three of us spent the evening watching movies and eating junk food. It helped take my mind off things and I was glad to see Alice laughing and smiling again.

**~BC~**

Spring turned into early summer without me even really being aware of it. The next few weeks passed in a blur of projects to finish and finals to study for. I threw myself into getting ready for exams but once they were over, I found myself with too much time on my hands. Claire and I passed each other in the hall a few times but I could barely meet her glance. She looked at me apologetically, but I could tell that she was happy to be finally with John. Thankfully, she didn't have him over, or at least not that I saw, which helped. Seeing them together would have upset the fragile peace I had found with the situation. I started to pack. I had a few more days until I had to move out of the dorm, and into the apartment Alice and I were going to share, but I needed the distraction.

Edward would be home soon and he would make it all right, that was all I could hold onto. I ran across a picture of the two of us at my birthday while I was packing and dissolved into tears. With a shudder, I realized how much I wanted it. I wanted to love him and to have him love me back. I wanted to spend my life with such a brilliant, gorgeous, amazing man, to have never to leave him at night or in the morning, to be as much a part of his life as I possibly could. However impossible given our current situation, we had both fallen in love. Whatever mistakes he had made by not telling me he loved me paled in comparison to the ones I had made. I just desperately hoped I hadn't ruined any chance of us being together.

**~BC~**

Despite my protests, Alice and Rosalie dragged me to Port Angeles to hang out with the boys. It was a reminder that Edward was still gone, but I was surprised to find it comforting as well. I rolled my eyes when Emmett and Jasper sheepishly admitted they were completely out of food and I wondered how they had been surviving without Edward there to pick up groceries. From the pizza boxes stacked beside the trashcan, I suspected the answer was delivery. I rounded them up and dragged them to the store. The five of us were loud, and quite frankly, obnoxious, but it was fun. We got disapproving looks from old ladies, but I laughed for what felt like the first time in days when Emmett made me get up on the rungs of the cart and he zoomed me around the store making ridiculous car noises.

We got back to the house and I kicked everyone out of the kitchen. It was soothing to chop onions, boil water, and stir the bubbling pot of tomato sauce while I made meatballs and spaghetti. The guys ate as if they had been starving and Alice and Rosalie swore it was the best food they'd had in months. For a few moments, I was even able to think about something other than the loss of Claire and Edward being gone.

We watched movies that night and I ended up on the couch with Rosalie and Emmett. I curled up into his side; the warm solid presence of him was comforting. Rosalie gave me a sweet smile when she saw me leaning on him and I was once again grateful that she was home, and so content with Emmett. The old Rosalie would have clawed my eyes out for cuddling with her man, but this Rosalie understood that I needed him like a brother. She reached across him for my hand and even Emmett managed to refrain from making a dirty joke about having two girls in his lap. We were all growing up.

I fell asleep halfway through the first movie and apparently slept all the way through to the end of the second. Alice woke me up and I followed her upstairs in a daze. I hesitated when I got up to the bedrooms before reaching for the guest room door. Jasper stopped me.

"Sleep in his room," he said softly.

"Are you sure?"

"He'd want you to. I know that."

I nodded and walked over to Edward's room. I closed the door behind me and flipped on the light. It was the same as always. A little bare because of the things he'd taken with him, but it was still familiar and comforting. There were clean sheets neatly folded on the mattress and I wondered who had known I'd sleep in his room that night. I put the sheets on the bed and got ready to go to sleep. Still feeling a bit like I wasn't supposed to be in there I opened a drawer in his dresser and pulled out a shirt of his. I slipped into it before I could second-guess myself and the weight of the fabric on my shoulders felt good. It wasn't anything fancy, just a simple grey t-shirt, but it was his. I crawled into his bed and turned out the light.

I was asleep almost immediately but I woke sometime in the night. I had been dreaming about him. He was standing in front of me with a lost look on his face.

"I love you, Bella," he whispered, but when I reached for him, he dissolved, melting away like smoke.

I hugged his pillow to me and fell back asleep, hoping for even a glimpse of him saying those words to me again, but even in my dreams, he was out of my reach. I spent the morning moping in his bedroom. I didn't poke around his room, not wanting to invade his privacy more than I already had, but I did grab a book off the shelf. It was the biography of Debussy that I had given him. I was pleased to see it looked dog-eared and broken in, he'd obviously read it several times before he left for Italy. I hadn't read much lately. I owned too many novels about relationships and romance. I hardly listened to music anymore either. It was depressing. Not the music itself, but the fact that everything I heard reminded me of Edward in some way. There were songs the guys had played in the band, songs Edward and I had listened to, and songs that reminded me of our relationship.

Instead, I watched TV shows or movies, although I avoided romantic comedies like the plague, romantic dramas, and thrillers too. Generally, I stuck to horror movies or cop shows, the more gruesome and grisly the better. Half the time I didn't pay that much attention to them anyway, but they kept the silence at bay. Alice was not amused by my sudden infatuation with them, although Jasper and Emmett were. The three of us had a horror movie marathon later that afternoon while Alice and Rosalie went out shopping.

"You are so badass," Emmett said, throwing popcorn in my mouth so I could try to catch it. He had good aim, but apparently, I was terrible at staying still so most of it ended up down my shirt, although I was starting to wonder if he was doing it on purpose.

"Why am I badass?" I asked, fishing around in my bra for the most recent kernel and examined it before popping it in my mouth. I was never going to get any to eat otherwise.

"The horror movies, Rosalie and Alice are lame."

"Your girlfriend would kick your ass from here to the moon if she heard you say that." I laughed.

"True. God that's hot," he said fervently and I rolled my eyes.

Spending the day with the guys really did help. For one thing, it was very hard to be depressed around Emmett, he had a way of lightening the mood without dismissing my feelings or treating them as if they were unimportant. And with the girls gone, I wasn't reminded that once again I was the odd one out.

"It is cool to just hang out with you though," Jasper commented from the other couch.

"Thanks. I'm having fun," I said honestly.

"Good. Mopey-face Bella sucks." Emmett said, stuffing a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

I sighed. "Yeah, she does. I'm working on it."

"I know."

We sat in silence watching the movie for a few minutes until I was startled by a piece of popcorn hitting me in the forehead.

"Damn it, Emmett," I said and lunged forward to grab a handful from the bowl on his lap. I threw it at him and it quickly morphed into a popcorn fight. It ended when we ran out of popcorn and Jasper was doubled over laughing with tears streaming down his face. That was how Rosalie and Alice found us when they got back.

"Oh for the love of everything holy," Alice screeched when she walked in the living room. "We leave you for a couple of hours and this is what happens?"

We all burst out into laughter and Alice and Rosalie soon joined in. They were nice enough to help clean up the popcorn, although I suspected that the guys would be fishing popcorn kernels out of the couch cushions for weeks.

Days like that helped, and when I curled up in Edward's bed, again that night I was grateful to have friends who cared so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edward comes home next chapter!
> 
> -What did you think of the way things ended with Claire?
> 
> -What about the conversation with Edward?


	47. Winter In My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another chapter that really benefits from listening to the song.
> 
> "Winter in My Heart" by VAST
> 
> (Just copy and paste the link below and remove the spaces)
> 
> http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=KO9BMAbiOfc

**Chapter Forty Seven: Winter In My Heart**

I need a summer but the summer's come and gone ...

I need a summer but it's winter in my heart ...

It's all the same,

The fucked up game,

You play with me

I need to hold you but you're never coming back ...

I can't get,

Any lower ...

I can't find,

All the pieces of my broken life ...

I need a summer but the summer's come and gone ...

I need a summer like a winter in my heart ...

I can't get,

Any lower ...

I can't find,

All the pieces of my broken life ...

But I try,

I still try,

I still try ...

-"Winter In My Heart" by VAST

* * *

I hardly slept the night before Edward got home. I made a futile attempt to pull myself together but it was pointless. I was anxious and desperate to see him and I was startled to find that he looked as haggard as I did when he knocked on my door. He was still beautiful of course, but there were dark circles under his eyes and his face was drawn. I buried my head against his chest; I didn't want to see what I had done to him.

"I'm so sorry, Edward," I said quietly. Tears pricked at my eyes when I realized just how much he'd been hurt by what I'd done.

His arms closed tight around me and he murmured into my hair, "I know, Bella." We stood there for a moment and then he asked, "How are you holding up?"

I sighed and pulled back to look into his face. "I'm ok. Better now that you're here." He frowned, closed the door, walked into my room, and sat down heavily on the couch. I just stared at him for a moment until he held out his arms and I curled up beside him with my head on his shoulder.

"How was the flight back?"

"It was fine. I'm glad to be home." His voice sounded dull, flat, and not at all like Edward.

"You don't sound very glad," I said.

"I know. But it's true. I'm just not sure how to deal with this, Bella." He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling away from me. "I need to talk to you."

"Alright, but I can think of a better way to welcome you home." I turned my head to kiss him, for a moment, his lips responded to mine, and then he pulled back.

"I don't think that's the best idea right now."

"I do, I've missed you. I just want to be close to you now." I ran my fingers along the waistband of his jeans under his shirt, desperate to touch him, to reconnect.

He gently but firmly removed my hand and kissed it, almost apologetically. "I've missed you too. Probably more than you will ever know. But I can't do this. I can't be with you and know that you're still in love with someone else."

I jerked away from him and crossed my arms over my chest, annoyed.

"I'm not in love with Claire," I protested. It was true. I wasn't in love with her. I cared about her and I was hurting, but I hadn't fallen in love with her.

He nodded. "Okay, but you are still upset about losing her." It was a statement rather than a question, but I answered anyway.

"Yes."

"Bella. I need to tell you something." He took a deep breath. "I care about you so much. Looking back, I realized I started to fall for you even before Rose's damn party. And after that ... you consumed every thought of mine. I can't look at another girl. All I see is you." He paused and wiped away a tear that had trickled down my cheek without me even noticing. "And I want you to feel that way about me. I don't blame you for falling for Claire or that you're upset about losing her. That's natural. And in a way I'm glad you had the chance to be with her. I think that's something you really needed. But you're only nineteen. I've had my chance to go out and meet people, get my heart broken ..."

I snorted. "Come on Edward, you never got your heart broken, you never invested enough in anyone to do that. You were honest with the girls you screwed, I don't doubt that, but you never gave them a chance to be anything more."

I winced at the look on his face but I refused to back down. It was the truth. "That's true, until you. Even then, I fucked that up. I should have told you a long time ago that I cared about you."

I nodded. "Yeah, you should have." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before looking at him again. "But I should have told you, too."

"So where does that leave us?" he asked.

"I don't know," I admitted, my irritation fading a little until I just felt tired and sad.

"I'm curious, what would you have done if I had told you how I felt about you and we were actually together when you met Claire?"

"What would I have done? What do you mean? I would have thought about her some and it never would have gone beyond that. Maybe I would have told you I thought she was hot and we could have both fantasized about her a little." He snorted quietly but didn't deny it. "But I would have been with you. Nothing would have happened with her."

"That's part of the problem," he said.

"What is?"

"You never would have gotten the chance to explore that part of yourself."

"True," I admitted. "But so what?"

"So what if in a year, or five years or ten or twenty, you had decide you needed to do that?"

I shivered at the idea that he was thinking about ten or twenty years from now. I took a deep breath, unsure of what he was saying. "I don't understand what you mean Edward."

His voice cracked. "I mean if you never knew how you felt about being with another woman. I couldn't live with myself if I had that time with you and then you had to leave me to find out."

Sadness and anger twisted together inside my chest. I wasn't sure which was stronger. I rubbed my hand against my sternum, trying to make the pain go away.

"I'm not saying I didn't worry about the same thing. I was glad we weren't together so I could find out how I felt about Claire, but it's horrible that you think I would leave you if I'd made that kind of commitment to you," I said bitterly. "There's a huge difference between waiting to start something with you and actually leaving you."

He looked sad. "I know. It's an awful thing to think. But I've seen couples torn apart by this sort of thing. My friend Kate, that's exactly why she left her boyfriend Garrett. They had been together for five years. And it was the right thing to do, she met Tanya and they've been so happy since. But I'm ... scared to lose you."

"You're not going to lose me." I tried to reassure him. "Things with Claire are over; you don't need to worry about it."

"But what if there's someone else? What you if you meet some other girl who interests you? I can't compete with that."

"I would never cheat on you, Edward," I protested. "I can't tell you how sorry I am about what happened with Claire. I know I hurt you, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. But I want to be with you and I wouldn't let anything jeopardize that."

"I'm just worried that you might change your mind."

"I want to be with you and that's all that matters."

"It's not that easy, Bella," he said harshly.

"I'm not saying it is," I shouted. "But what the hell am I supposed to say, Edward?" I said a little more softly. "I want to be with you, I swear."

He closed his eyes tightly for a moment and his head fell forward into his hands. "I do too. But I don't want to fuck this up any more than I already have." He took a deep breath and looked up at me. "Bella, do you realize that this is the most honest we've been with each other _ever_? We, and especially you, have avoided talking about anything important since we first started to get to know each other."

I winced. "I know, Edward. And ... I'm sorry. I'm bad at talking about my feelings. But I really do care about you. And I want a relationship with you." I swallowed hard, my heart beat fast inside my chest at the words, but I meant them, and it felt good to say them finally.

"I want that too. But I'm worried that we're starting out all wrong. You're not over Claire and that scares me. And you're shaking just talking about this Bella. I hate the idea that being in a relationship frightens you so much."

I looked down at my hands to see that they were trembling; I pressed them to my thighs and looked up at him.

"I am scared," I admitted. "But I'll be okay."

"I know you probably think I'm being a jerk right now, but this is the only way I know how to deal with it. I need to be with you. I don't ever want to be without you. But I have to know that you feel like that too. I know you think you've been unfair to me, and maybe that's true. But I've been unfair to you. I should have told you a long time ago that I cared about you, that I wanted to be with you and only you. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing by waiting. " He sighed. "But maybe it wouldn't have mattered. I don't know anymore." His face fell forward into his hands and he took a deep breath and sat like that for a moment. He rubbed his hands over his face hard and looked up at me before he continued.

"All I know is, I love you, Bella."

He looked into my eyes and I could feel my chest tighten with the overwhelming feeling in them. After all we'd been through, actually hearing him say it to me was so much better than I had ever imagined. My heart fluttered fast in my chest and I took a deep breath.

"I love you too," I said softly. Despite my mixed up emotions, I was sure of that. I reached out for him and he pulled me close. I relaxed into his arms for a moment, and I felt his body sag against mine. I looked up at his face and he smiled down at me.

"God that's good to hear." A little bit of the tension in his face eased. "I do wish I'd told you that before I left ... fuck, I never should have gone to Italy."

"I wasn't interested in Claire just because you were gone, Edward."

"I know ... I just feel like it all would have been different if I'd stayed."

"I don't know, it might have been ... but I guess we'll never know for sure."

"Sometimes I feel like I take and take and take from you and I don't give anything back. I'm so selfish." My voice dropped to an almost whisper. "Sometimes I don't understand why you love me."

"Oh, Bella," he said the words softly and his fingers brushed my cheek. "I love you for so many reasons. You're smart and hardworking and clever. You're an amazing cook, you love movies, music, and books like I do. You get excited about them, and when you talk about something that fascinates you, your eyes light up. You're so beautiful all the time, but when you're excited about something, there's nothing in the world like it. You make me feel incredible, physically of course, but there's more than that. It's like the rest of the world just evaporates when it's just the two of us. That's done far more for me than you can imagine."

"You really feel like that?"

"I do. And as far as you being selfish, maybe you have been a little selfish. But maybe you needed that. I know how much of your life you've spent taking care of Charlie. How many fifteen year olds cooked dinner for their fathers? And I know how much you've done for Alice and Rosalie. I like that I can take care of you, gorgeous and that's never been important to me before."

I nodded and took a deep breath. We stared at each other in silence for a while and I studied his face. Even in pain, he was still so beautiful. The dark purplish smudges under his eyes only made the green more intense. His lashes were thick and dark and the hollows in his cheekbones were more prominent than usual. I couldn't resist touching him and my hand pressed against his left cheek. He turned his head into my hand and rested it there for a moment. He drew in a deep shuddering breath and pulled away. He kissed my palm and then took my hand between his.

"I'm sorry Bella. I'm sorry I've made things so difficult." He looked like he was nearly in tears and it took all of my willpower to keep from throwing myself in his arms and promising to take that pain away. "All I ever wanted was to make you happy."

"Edward, do you remember what you told me after the drama with Rosalie?" He shook his head no. "You told me that we're both responsible for the situation. And that's true for this, too. We're both to blame, so don't try to take it all on you."

"I just feel like I had a responsibility to you."

"What do you mean?"

"I wasn't honest with you," he admitted. "As soon as I realized this was turning into more than just some physical thing, I should have told you."

"I should have told you too."

"I was the one with more experience; it was my responsibility to make sure you didn't get hurt."

"Instead I ended up hurting you," I said bitterly.

"Yeah, but there were a thousand things I could have done to make sure we didn't end up in that position."

"Does it really matter at this point?" I asked softly. "We both fucked up."

He shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe."

"I don't know what to do to fix it all, but I do love you," I said, my breath catching in my throat at the still overwhelming words.

"Bella, I'm just really worried that you aren't ready for this. I wasn't sure I was at first either. However, you ... you seemed terrified. Don't get me wrong, I know it's a big step, but it shouldn't actually scare you like that."

I sighed. "I know, it's not exactly normal, huh? Even Rosalie got her shit together to make things work with Emmett."

"No two people or two couples are ever going to work the same way. You can't compare it. But it worries me. Are you really sure you're ready for this?"

"I can't be without you, Edward. It was agonizing."

"That worries me too," he said softly. "I'm afraid you're jumping into this just because you're lonely and you miss Claire. Not because you really want to be with me."

"No, that's not true," I protested. "I swear, Edward, it's not. I've wanted to be with you since before New Year's, but I was too scared to say anything, and then Claire complicated things. But I know how I feel now, I _want_ this."

"Don't you think you should be over her first before we start anything?"

"I ... I don't know," I admitted. "I'm not in love with her. Really, Edward, I swear to you I'm not. I think if things had been different, if you and I hadn't had ... this..." I placed my hand on his chest over his heart and he smiled faintly, despite the worry on his face. "She's someone I could have fallen in love with. But it didn't work out, and that's okay. I want to be with you. I just hate that I lost her as a friend. I'm trying to get over the loss of that possibility, and the loss of her as a friend."

He sighed. "I understand that. I'm just worried that you're relying on me to make you feel better when you need to do it on your own."

I winced. I hated that he might be right about that. That maybe I wasn't as strong on my own as I needed to be. "I probably am to a certain extent."

"Do you really think that's a healthy way to start a relationship, Bella? This isn't something I can take lightly. I want this to work. Not for a year or two, I'm in all the way, Bella. I don't want to freak you out even more, but I mean marriage someday, not now, not for a long time probably. I'm not in any rush. But I want that with you someday." He traced his thumb over my cheek. "And I want you to be ready for that before we start anything."

"I ... " I bit my lip, unsure how to say what I was feeling.

"Bella, I think you have some things that you need to figure out."

I nodded and sighed. "Yeah, I guess I do, can you be patient with me?"

"Of course. But I think maybe you should take a few months to figure out what it is that you want." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I think you should see other people for a while."

I blinked at him in astonishment as I processed what he had just said. It was the last thing I expected him to say.

"You what?"

"I think you should see other people."

"You want me to be with someone else?" I didn't understand.

"Of course I don't want you to be with someone else, but I think you should be, at least for a while." He said the words between clenched teeth and I could see the pain it was causing him. "It kills me to think of you with anyone else." He admitted, and his voice was broken.

"Then why the hell do you think I should do it? What is it going to accomplish?"

"I think it's the only way we can be sure that we're both ready for this."

"That doesn't make any sense, Edward."

"I don't want you to have any doubts that I'm who you want to be with."

"I don't _have_ any doubts. And what about you?" I said, "Are you going to see other people?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Are you sure you're ready for this relationship?"

He looked hurt. "Do you want me to date other people?"

"Of course not you jackass!" I shouted, "This was your idea, remember?" I was so angry and so hurt all I wanted was to lash out at him. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of him telling me he wanted me to date someone else.

He pulled me close. "I know." I held myself stiffly against him, unwilling to relax into his embrace.

"What if I don't want to, what then?"

He closed his eyes. "I don't see how we can make this work otherwise."

"So I either do this, or lose you? Great fucking choice, Edward," I said bitterly. My stomach churned and I fought back the nausea. "And what the hell? You told me you were going to help me get through this," I reminded him.

"I know. And I shouldn't have said that."

I pulled away from him; it was like a slap in the face. "Then why the hell _did_ you say it?"

"Look, I heard the way you talked about Claire, and over spring break I saw what was happening with you two, shit, it was so obvious the way you looked at each other. And so I thought ... I thought if I waited to tell you how I felt and that I wanted a relationship you'd have your little fling with her and it would be over. But I didn't really take into account how it would make me feel. And I tried so hard to be understanding, reasonable, and supportive. But it hurt like hell. And I just kept thinking you'd be over her by the time I got home. But you're not and that hurts too. I just ... I want to help you through this, but I think it would be better if you did it on your own. For a lot of reasons."

I sighed. "Fuck you, Edward. Do you think I don't know how selfish I've been? I wasn't being fair to you, or to Claire either. But don't leave me. Don't do this. You said you wanted to be with me, no matter what. Were you lying?"

"Of course not." He choked out. "I just think you need some time and space to figure out what you want."

"I know I want you."

"Bella, that's not enough. Please, I need you to understand. I want to be there for you, always, but I want you to be able to stand on your own. I need you to know that you can survive without me, if you have to. I don't want you to be so wrapped up in me that you lose yourself. I want you to be completely sure of what you want. I don't want this hanging over us for the rest of our lives."

I hated hearing the words that he was saying, but I knew they had some truth to them. It was the first thing he had said to me that made any sort of sense. I closed my eyes, sick to my stomach that I was even considering agreeing to his ridiculous demand.

I sighed. "I feel like you're punishing me for sleeping with Claire."

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and rubbed at his forehead. "That's not what I'm trying to do, I swear."

"Well, it really feels like it."

"No, I told you I could be fine with it. I was wrong, but that's not your fault."

"Then why now, Edward? When I called and told you what happened, why didn't you flip out then, why didn't we take that time apart?"

"I was trying so hard for you; I wanted to be understanding and supportive. And I failed." I could hear the raw hurt in his voice and I wiped away the tears that once again fell.

"Fine," I said dully. "I'll do it. Just tell me what the fuck you expect of me."

His face contorted with pain. "I think we should be apart for a while."

"What do you mean by that?" My voice was still flat and lifeless sounding.

"No contact for a couple of months. You can deal with everything with Claire and go out with some other people. Make sure you're ready for this."

I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath. "Alright." The words tasted like ashes on my tongue and I stood up. "I think you should leave now." I could hear my voice and it was cold and hard sounding, I hardly recognized it.

He looked upset. "Are you sure, Bella?"

"Sure that you should leave? Yes."

"Already?" His eyes looked pained.

"Yes. If you want me to do this, Edward, it has to start now. You can't have it both ways. You can't hold me, tell me you care about me, and then leave whenever you're ready. I'm not ready. I don't want this. But I'd rather get it over with. Leave now and I'll call you in two months, three months, whatever our deal is." My words were dripping venom but it was the only way I could keep from breaking down and begging him to stay.

"Two months then." He stood up and reached for the door.

I had one last question and I knew it was cruel but I couldn't help myself. "So am I supposed to fuck them, too?"

He turned and looked at me. "What?"

"These people you're pimping me out to, am I supposed to fuck them, too?"

"Damn it, Bella." He slammed the door closed again. "That's not fair."

"Probably not, but it's a valid question."

He swallowed hard. "I don't want you to. But if it'll help you get over Claire and be sure of what you want, yes I suppose so. Besides, I can't tell you not to. I don't have that right. I guess I never have."

"Maybe not, but you've always had the right to ask. Until now."

He nodded once, his lips thinning into a narrow line and walked out the door without another word. The moment the door closed behind him, I lost it. I sobbed, curled up on the floor. He was gone. There was a hole ripped in me and all I could feel was a dull, hollow ache. Claire had been a mistake, a lovely, stupid, ridiculous, important mistake. A mistake that had to be made for me to know what I wanted. But a mistake nonetheless. Edward was right, I needed to know who I was, and I need to know what I wanted from my life. But the price was so high. He talked of giving me time, of letting me figure things out, but all I could focus on was that he was gone. Gone. The word fluttered in the hollow emptiness of my heart. Gone. I missed him fiercely already. My cheeks were wet with tears and I felt sick to my stomach. I tried to sit up but there was a white rushing feeling and then, everything went black for a moment. I sagged back onto the floor, exhausted and desperate. _Please, don't leave me_ , I begged. He was gone.

I wasn't sure if I imagined it when several hours later I heard Alice's soft voice. "C'mon, Edward. You can't stay outside of Bella's door forever." Then her voice disappeared down the hall.

I sobbed until I fell asleep eventually, still on the floor. When I woke up, I was covered with a blanket and Alice was on the couch beside me. She had put a pillow under my head and her hand was clutched in mine. She was asleep, and with her as my lifeline, I fell into an exhausted sleep until the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you were expecting a happy reunion and you're probably disappointed.
> 
> But, this is what happens when you don't communicate well and you bottle up your feelings. Edward is amazing, and he tried, but he isn't perfect. He got hurt and he lashed out. He loves Bella, but they still have a ways to go. It isn't going to drag on terribly long. Bella will go on several dates, and she'll discuss them with Alice and Rosalie but I won't go into detail describing them all. They aren't the focus of this and of course, Bella won't sleep with any of them.
> 
> -Do you think Edward was unfair to Bella?


	48. Llorando - Crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my main goals for this story was that they have a realistic happy ending. And although they're both hurt and angry at the moment, it will give them a much more solid foundation for them to begin their relationship. Hang in there, I will get them where they need to be.
> 
> I think most people probably know the Roy Orbison song "Crying"
> 
> http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=cQrgeeS_qbo
> 
> But there was a remake sung in Spanish by Rebekah del Rio in the movie "Mulholland Drive" that I am absolutely crazy about. It's a weird ass movie, but it's one of the most heart-breaking songs I've ever heard.
> 
> http:/www . youtube . com/watch?v=AIpkMg9sh6Q

**Chapter Forty-Eight: Llorando (Crying)**

Llorando (Spanish Version)

Yo estaba bien por un tiempo

volviendo a sonreir

luego anoche te vi

tu mano me toco

y el saludo de tu voz

te hable muy bien y tu

sin saber

que he estado llorando por tu amor

llorando por tu amor

llorando por tu amor

luego de tu adios

senti todo mi dolor

sola y llorando llorando llorando

no es facil de entender

que al verte otra vez

yo este llorando

Yo que pense que te olvide

pero es verdad es la verdad

que te quiero aun mas

mucho mas que ayer

dime tu que puedo hacer

no me quieres ya

y siempre estare

llorando por tu amor

llorando por tu amor

tu amor

se llevo

todo mi corazon

y quedo llorando

llorando

llorando

llorando

llorando

llorando

por tu amor

Crying (English Version)

I was all right for a while

I could smile for a while

But I saw you last night

You held my hand so tight

As you stopped to say hello

You wished me well

You couldn't tell

That I've been crying over you

Crying over you

And you said so long

Left me standing all alone

Alone and crying crying crying crying

It's hard to understand

But the touch of your hand

Can start me crying

I thought that I was over you

But it's true so true

I love you even more than I did before

But darling what can I do

For you don't love me

And I'll always be crying over you

Crying over you

Yes now you're gone

And from this moment on

I'll be crying

Crying

Crying

Crying

Crying

Crying

Over you.

-"Crying" written by Roy Orbison,

"Llorando" performed by Rebekah del Rio

* * *

I was a zombie for three days. Rosalie and Alice stayed with me at all times, taking turns so they could go home and live their lives. They fed me, pushed me into the shower at regular intervals and let me cry on their shoulders. In between sobs I told them what had happened. At the end of the third day, Rosalie grabbed me by my shoulders. "Bella. Listen to me. You need to snap out of this."

I tried to glare at her, but I didn't even have the energy to be angry anymore. "Go to hell, Rose," I said listlessly.

She snorted. "Listen to you tough girl."

"What do you want, Rose?"

"Well, I'd kind of like to have my best friend functioning well enough that I can go home. I need to fuck my boyfriend." Rose's classic bluntness was enough to make the corner of my mouth lift into a little smile and she grinned when she saw it.

"So you _are_ alive in there. Good. Now we have to talk."

"I hate talking."

"I know. It went rather badly the last time someone tried it with you." She looked at me. "Yes, I am talking about you and Edward. You're both idiots. But if you want his idiot ass back you need to snap out of this."

That got my attention. She smiled. "I thought that might work. Alright sugar tits, let's get to work."

"Sugar tits?" I looked at her quizzically.

She shrugged. "I've been calling you that for three days and you haven't responded until now. Just wanted to see if I could get a reaction out of you."

I shook my head at her. "What's your master plan?"

"Alice and I set you up with dates."

"You what?"

"We'll be a matchmaking service. Weed out all of the crappy ones."

"Why?"

"Because Edward told you to date and while I think he's a little screwed up in the head, you agreed to it, so here we are. If you want to do it, then go balls to the wall. Go out with some hot guys and see if any of them strike your fancy. Even if they don't, you will have actually made the effort."

I truly didn't want to go out with anyone else but she was right, I had told Edward I would. I was so angry with him then for even suggesting it. The two-month break was excruciating, but it at least made some sense. He wasn't wrong about the fact that I did need to be completely over Claire before we started something. I didn't like it at all, but in the long run it probably was better for our relationship. And he was right that I needed to deal with things on my own instead of relying on him, as tempting as it was. But the fact that he had ordered me to date other people didn't sit well with me at all.

I sighed and looked over at Rose. "So why can't I find my own dates?"

She snorted. "Really, Bella? You'll pick up a bunch of library geeks or something."

"Screw you too," I sneered, but by now I actually had a small smile on my face and my brain was no longer on autopilot.

"Glad to see you're able to insult me again. No, I just think it'll be really hard for you to find anyone who interests you, and if you do you'll never work up the courage to ask them out. This way we do the work for you, all you have to do is show up looking adorable and being willing to talk to them."

I sighed. "You're probably right. So really, that's all I'd have to do?"

"Well, you have to keep an open mind that you _could_ be interested in them." I opened my mouth to protest and she said, "you at least have to try."

I nodded. "All right, I'll do it, whatever it takes to get him back." My eyes filled up with tears for a moment but I fought them back. "I just don't understand why he wants me to do this."

She sighed. "I don't know, Bella. I don't really understand either. I rather get the gist of what he's saying, but it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I think he's just scared shitless."

"Scared of what?" I asked.

"Of losing you."

"And shoving me at other people prevents that?" I couldn't keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

"I don't know. He has a boy brain, I don't understand them either. But I think in his mind if he's given you a chance to leave now he feels like he won't have to worry about it later."

"That makes more sense to me than anything I was able to come up with," I admitted. "I'm still pissed though."

"I know. And you have every right to be. He's an asswipe, but he's apparently your asswipe, or he will be." She squeezed my hand when she saw me starting to tear up again. "You'll get him back, Bella. And then you can yell at him for being so stupid and spend the rest of your lives having make-up sex."

I laughed in spite of myself. "That part I like. I don't get why he had to leave though and what it had to do with Claire."

She looked at me thoughtfully. "I think I actually get where he's coming from on that part. I think you do need to know that you can survive without him."

"Not that." I waved my hand at her. "The more I think about it, the more I understand it. He wants me to be not emotionally dependent on him. And I don't disagree that I should be over her before I throw myself into something with him. I don't like it, but I kind of agree with it."

"Good." She nodded. "So what did you mean about not understanding what it had to do with Claire?"

"I guess I mean I don't understand why he's freaking out about me being interested in girls."

She chuckled. "That I get."

"Really? Then explain it to me, because I sure as hell don't."

"He's afraid that he can't be everything you need him to be, that you'll want something that he doesn't have."

"I still don't get it."

"Now Bella, boys and girls have different parts..."

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up bitch."

She grinned. "I'm serious. He's afraid that a woman can offer you something he can't."

"You mean Edward is feeling inadequate?" I was shocked.

She laughed. "Basically ... yeah. And for the first time he's feeling vulnerable."

"Hmm, I hadn't thought of it that way." I considered it for a moment. "Alright, I can accept that. But how do I convince him that he's wrong about that?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. That's a lot harder. Try to explain it to me. It might help if you put it into words."

"Ok. Let me think." I paused and took a moment to think. "I wasn't only with Claire because she was a girl. I was with her because of who she was. And yes, I found her attractive and yes I did appreciate that she was different than a guy. I needed to know how far my attraction to girls went, but that wasn't all of it. I guess I needed to know if it was just sex or if I would want to be in a relationship with a girl. And I know that now."

She nodded. "That's pretty good actually. Now explain why you won't cheat on him with a woman."

"Ugh. Because I wouldn't, damn it."

"That's not good enough, Bella."

"I know." I sighed. "I wouldn't because I wouldn't cheat on him with anyone. There are tons of guys I've never dated either. I've never dated a guy with a pierced tongue either but that doesn't mean I'm going to throw myself at the first one who comes along. If I make a commitment to him, that's it. No matter how different or tempting someone else may be, it's not worth losing him over. It doesn't matter if they're male or female. And I love Edward too much to ever do something that would deliberately hurt him. I love Edward and he's my priority."

"Good."

"The question is, will he believe it?"

"I don't know. I hope so."

"Me too." We sat quietly for a moment, "What about you Rose? Did you ever feel like you had to figure out the whole girl thing?"

"Sort of. Things got fairly ... interesting when I was in New York and I did a fair amount of experimenting."

I laughed. "Skanking it up, yes."

"Shut up, I prefer experimenting. It sounds more like scientific research."

"Uh huh, nice try slut. Answer my question."

"I was trying to when you interrupted me to insult me. Anyway, yes, I hooked up with several different girls and I was glad I did, because it clarified some things for me. I find girls attractive, but honestly ... I just like dick."

I burst out laughing. "Oh god, Rose, you're killing me."

"What about you? Did being with Claire help you figure that out?"

Once I stopped laughing, I managed to say, "Being with Claire made me realize that she was right. The _person_ is what really matters, rather than the gender. But yeah, I do find girls as attractive as guys. I would have had a serious relationship with her. I want to find someone I really click with, and the details don't really matter. Gender is just a detail."

She nodded. "That makes sense. Can you really say that though? That gender is just a detail?"

"Well, not totally," I admitted. "Because it makes up such a huge part of whom someone is, but it's not the most important part. I was crazy about Claire for many reasons. She was brilliant, funny, and we loved so many of the same things. And she was beautiful."

"She was all of those things. But your life would have been a lot harder together versus if you were with Edward."

"I know."

"Things have gotten better, but being in a relationship with another woman would have been difficult. Edward would be the easier choice."

"Except for the fact that he's a pain the ass, yes. We wouldn't have had to face all of the battles that Claire and I would have had. Fuck, I don't even want to think about trying to tell Charlie that I was a lesbian." I was horrified just thinking about it.

She laughed. "Yeah, that could get interesting. But Charlie loves you. Once he stopped freaking out he'd be fine."

"Oh I know. I think I'd die of embarrassment in the meantime, though. Mostly at just the idea of Charlie even considering the fact that, I have sex, with anyone. I swear Edward and I could be married for twenty years and he'd somehow believe I was still an innocent little girl." I stopped abruptly, realizing what I'd said. I _wanted_ to be married to Edward someday.

"You have it bad, don't you baby?" Rose said, and I nodded. My face crumpled and I burst into tears again.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I'm so scared that it's too late, scared that I already lost him." She hugged me and let me cry. Eventually when I calmed down again I told her to leave, and to tell Alice that she didn't have to come by.

"I can be on my own now. I just needed to get the rest of it out." She nodded and I took a deep breath. "I can do this Rosie. Give me a little time to get myself together and then find me some dates."

She laughed and called out, "will do" as she went flying out the door. I really wasn't sure if I was ready to go on dates; but if I had to do it, I was going to get it over with. And hopefully, find a way to get Edward back.

**~BC~**

I ran my fingers idly over the windowsill as I glanced outside my dorm room. I was looking forward to moving into the apartment with Alice, but I liked the little room I'd lived in for the past nine months. _I'd even miss the view here,_ I thought. My heart leaped in my chest when I saw Claire standing by her car. She laughed at something and John wrapped an arm around her.

She leaned into his touch and he bent down to press a kiss to the top of her head. It was tender and sweet, and although I missed her fiercely sometimes, I was glad to see her so happy. I walked to the doorway and turned to stare at the small room, empty of everything but the standard-issue furniture. My throat constricted, remembering both Claire and Edward. Shadows of memories lingered in the room, at the desk, in the bed. The feeling his skin against mine, her long silky hair as it spilled back onto the pillows. Every inch of me ached to feel it again. I would never forget Claire; she would always be a part of me. But I knew without a doubt that it was Edward I needed to be with.

I was taking out the last load of boxes to my truck when I saw her again. She was standing at the entrance to the building, propping the door open for Julie. The lobby of the building was dim and I could see her standing half in the sunlight, the late afternoon light turning her hair into molten gold. For a moment, I could smell her sweet honey linen scent and I came to an abrupt stop. My heart hammered in my chest; feeling for a moment like it would actually crack my ribs with its force. I took a deep breath, and then another, struggling to keep my eyes from welling over with tears. I blinked a few times and then straightened my shoulders, mentally bracing myself to walk by her. I hesitated just a moment when I neared the door and she turned, her eyes meeting mine.

"Bella." Her voice was soft, and regretful.

"Claire."

She held the door for me as I walked past, and her fingers reached out to brush along my hand. It was goodbye. I walked to the truck and placed the last box in the bed. I swallowed hard and turned to stare at the entrance to the building, but she was gone. It was the end then, as clean of a break as could be expected in this messy, messy situation.

**~BC~**

The days weren't so bad, but the nights were intolerable. I didn't sleep more than a few hours a night, and rarely longer than a half hour at a time. Periodically, I woke up gasping with panic and it took a long time for me to fall asleep again. Dark circles had been etched permanently under my eyes and I knew I looked awful.

I was sad that I wasn't more enthusiastic about moving into the apartment with Alice, but I couldn't muster up the energy. She was worried about me, I could tell. I caught her and Rose in hushed conversations more than once. They'd abruptly change the subject when I'd walk up, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I listlessly unpacked and set up my room. I piled all of the decorations in one corner, not at all motivated to bother to hang photos and make the room more personal. Now that classes were over, I was working more hours. I'd offered to fill in any shift I could and I'd already had several people call me to pick up shifts when they were too hung-over or unmotivated to come to work. I came home from work one day to find an excited Alice nearly hopping up and down in the entryway.

"Bella, come here!" She grabbed my arm and dragged me into my room. While I'd been gone she'd decorated my room. Photos and mirrors were hung on the wall and there was a new duvet on my bed; decorative curtains hung over the generic apartment blinds. I hugged her, grateful for the effort she'd made.

"Thank you, Alice." I choked back tears and she held me for a moment, stroking my hair. After a while, she left, closing the door behind her. I curled up on the bed and pulled Edward's sweatshirt out from under my pillow. I pulled it on and hugged the pillow close, just trying to feel something but sadness. I fell into an exhausted sleep for a few hours and it was starting to get dark outside when I woke up. I reached for the lamp and turned it on. My eyes fell on the photo Alice had placed on my bedside table. It was a photo of Edward and me from my birthday, looking happy, and I now realized, in love. Even then, we'd looked like a couple. And we had been, as much as we'd pretended that what we had was casual, by the second time we'd had sex it had already morphed into something more. Edward and I had never really been friends with benefits, no matter how hard we'd tried to delude ourselves.

I snapped off the light, not wanting to see the happy photo. I thought about going home to visit Charlie, seeing if that helped. But what would I tell him? Being adult made things so much more difficult. It was easy at eight to confide in my dad when Paul threw rocks at me, or Lauren pulled my hair. But things weren't so easy now. I almost called Sue, she was easier to confide in, and I didn't have to worry about her disapproval of my sex life, but I couldn't quite bring myself to pick up the phone. I needed to figure it out myself and it was time I took an unflinching look at my actions and came up with a solution on my own.

It hurt terribly to be without him. I buried my nose in his sweatshirt, breathing in his scent, and I tried to make that enough. But it wasn't. I needed him. Even if intellectually I understood why being apart was a good idea, it left me panicky and shaky feeling. Of course I missed him, but why this all-consuming terror? _Was I really that afraid to be alone?_ I wondered. No, that wasn't it. _Afraid to lose him permanently?_ I considered. Yes, absolutely. But even that didn't explain everything. The hollow ache in my chest went deeper than that. I started crying again, a couple of tears rolled down my cheeks at first and then I was sobbing. I cried inconsolably for a while, unable to understand what was wrong with me.

"Everyone leaves me," I whimpered. It was then that it really hit me. It felt like a freight train slamming into my chest. I was afraid of being left. I had been devastated last year when Rosalie got angry and left for New York, depressed and lonely when Edward left for Italy; hurt when Claire had left me for John. Friendships and relationships naturally drifted apart, changed. Why was it actually frightening for me to lose someone I cared about? It wasn't just that I mourned the loss of a friend, it actually left me scared and panicky feeling.

I gasped when the idea worked its way into my head, _Renee leaving,_ w _as that really all what this boiled down to?_ I wondered. It was so simple, but so utterly pervasive in my life. As much as I thought I had dealt with her being gone, it had infiltrated my relationships. Somewhere inside of me, I had believed that it was my fault that Renee left. Not that it was my own mother's inadequacies and I sighed, realizing that way it had carried into my fears about starting a relationship with Edward. Tears streamed down my face when it occurred to me that it was probably the reason I had held myself back from telling Edward how I felt. I had been terrified to lose him. It seemed so simple now, and I didn't know how I hadn't seen it before. The whole time I'd put up barriers to keep myself from starting a relationship with Edward, because somewhere in the back of my mind I was convinced I'd lose him because I wasn't good enough for him.

I wasn't afraid that I wasn't pretty enough, or enough for him in bed. We had proven over and over, how physically and sexually compatible we were. I didn't feel inadequate in that way. But I wondered if I was emotionally enough for him. Clearly, he'd struggled with it too, he hadn't told me he loved me or that he wanted to be in a relationship with me either, or at least not until it was too late. But he had always put himself out there more. I thought back on the number of times he'd said, 'I miss you' and all I'd managed was 'I miss this'. How many times had he been the one to call me, or ask me to come over, how many times had he reassured me that he was around for more than just sex. And what had I done? Joked that it was all I was in it for. I felt sick to my stomach thinking about the way I'd treated him. And I wondered, _was_ I really ready for a relationship? Could I tell him how I felt without holding anything back, and let myself be vulnerable to getting hurt? The thought was terrifying. Yet, the alternative was worse. Edward was worth letting my heart get broken, because without him, it already was.

It would have been easy to say that I had latched on to my attraction to Claire as a way of preventing myself from starting a relationship with Edward. And maybe it was a part of it, but it was too simplistic to blame it on that entirely. My feelings for her were far more complicated than that, and frankly trivialized them. They were absolutely genuine. She wasn't merely a friend or a lover, she was more. But what Edward and I had was far more than that. There were a thousand ways to describe the connection between Edward and I, and they were all entirely inadequate. Soul mates maybe, certainly my other half. Without a doubt the person, I wanted to spend my life with. Claire was a possibility, but Edward was a fact. Edward was far from perfect. He leaned toward possessiveness, was certainly a bit of a workaholic when it came to music, and as inexperienced as I was at relationships. But he was sweet, thoughtful, smart, challenging, and every single thing I'd ever considered wanting in a boyfriend, or someday in a husband. While Claire was wonderful in her own way, there was no denying that Edward was a better fit. I knew Claire's body, and her mind, but I knew Edward's soul.

Looking back, I could see the small hints that Edward had tried to give me, or perhaps the not so small ones. I had been so oblivious. Maybe deliberately so, although not consciously. Had I really been so blind to seeing the way he treated me? The tenderness, how he went out of his way to take care of me was astonishing. Without a mother around, I'd learned to be responsible and self-sufficient early on. Charlie was a good father, and had always been there when I needed him, but our personalities made us both inclined to keep to ourselves. I wasn't used to someone taking care of me, pampering me. I considered the number of times he'd picked up dinner for me, the night in the hotel he'd drawn me a bath, the times I'd sobbed in his arms, and relied on his strength to find my own again.

I had no idea how aware he had been of his own actions at the time; clearly, he'd cared deeply about me and wanted me to be happy. Maybe he had been just as oblivious as I was, although I was starting to suspect that he'd tried over and over to tell me how he felt. The night of our 'date' in Port Angeles sprang to mind and I gasped, wondering if he'd been on the verge of telling me that it meant more to him. Had he been hinting at wanting us to be something more? I buried my head in my hands, ashamed at how cruel I'd been to him, however unintentionally. And I wondered if later that night in front of the fire he had nearly told me he loved me. I had such a hard time opening up to people, and I was even worse at talking about my feelings. Charlie had tried; I'd never doubted for a minute that he loved me. But he didn't say it often. I knew it had a lot to do with the way he was raised. His parents had died in a car crash shortly after I was born so I had no memory of my grandparents. He talked about them fondly, but from what he'd said, it sounded like they had a very reserved household. Sue was about the only person who regularly told me she loved me. I didn't know how to talk about it. But I had to learn, or I would lose Edward.

I remembered staring at Edward the night we met, noticing the lean definition of his body. I had done my best to avoid my attraction to him, but that certainly hadn't worked. I wondered why I thought that trying to avoid falling in love with him would have been any easier. I hadn't even realized how hard I was fighting against myself. It had been instinctive for me to shy away from even the vague idea of a relationship. I was so convinced in my own head that it would inevitably end up like my parents' marriage. Somehow I knew I would end up like Charlie, lost and alone and pining for someone who didn't love me anymore.

But Edward was not Renee. The idea of him running was ludicrous. In fact, I was starting to suspect that maybe I was more like her than I liked to admit. The avoidance I'd clung to somehow related to the way she'd dealt with her own fears. Edward was, to my great shock, far more like Charlie than I was; steadfast, devoted, and tenacious. And I had to make a choice about who I was going to be. Nothing was set in stone; I could learn to open up. I wanted to be someone who deserved Edward's love. I didn't want to bolt when things got tough, I wanted to stay and work them out. I wouldn't be Renee, I couldn't be, not if I wanted Edward in my life. With a resolve, I had never felt before about anything I made a promise to do whatever it took to be the person he deserved.

With those realizations, I found a small measure of peace. It was an epiphany of sorts, and it was a place for me to start, a way to move forward. I dug through my drawer, frantic that during the move I had misplaced the goldstone necklace Edward had given me. But it was there, slipped between two soft t-shirts. I pulled the box out and brought it over to my bed. I sat down on the bed, and lifted the lid, just looking at the stone and the twisted silver chain for a moment. I touched it, hesitantly at first, and then I lifted it, watching the stone twist on the chain as it swung back and forth. I rubbed my thumb across the stone, feeling the cool smoothness against my skin. I took a deep breath and put it on, relishing the slight weight of the stone pressing against my chest.

Suddenly, I couldn't stay in Seattle any longer, I needed to go to Edward. Without a further thought, I grabbed my purse, threw on Edward's sweatshirt and my shoes, scribbling a quick note on the whiteboard in the apartment, and was out the door before Alice could talk me out of leaving. With nothing but a desperate aching need to be near Edward, I drove to Port Angeles.

I parked a block away from his house and walked. The night was warm and still and there was a heavy mist hanging in the air. I stared at his house, willing him to come out of the door and see me there. To run to me, to tell me it had all been a mistake, to let me explain why I'd done the things I'd done, to let me make it up to him. I sat on the bench across the street, legs pulled up, my chin resting on my knees. I wrapped my arms around my legs and waited. But nothing happened. No one came out of the door. The street was dark and quiet. There was a light on in the living room and I wondered if he was there, thinking about me. I almost worked up the courage to knock on the door, but when I got to the steps, I hesitated and walked back to the bench.

I should have felt pathetic, stalking him, watching his house. But I just felt lonely. I couldn't imagine my life without Edward. I replayed the time we'd spent together, every second of every interaction we'd ever had. Lost in thoughts of him I didn't pay any attention to my surroundings.

"Bella?" I heard a soft voice in my ear. I jumped; I hadn't heard anyone come up beside me.

I squinted in the dim light, seeing the golden curls before I saw anything else. "Jasper?"

"What are you doing here, darlin'?" He sat on the bench beside me and put his arm around my shoulders.

"I don't know." I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder. "I just ... I had to be near him."

"You drove all this way just to sit out here in the dark?" I nodded, embarrassed.

"Aww, you have it bad, don't you sugar?" Jasper's accent kept getting more pronounced. He did that when he was upset, or worried.

"I do. I'm pathetic." A few tears slid down my face.

He hugged me tighter. "You're not pathetic. And he's just as much of a wreck as you are."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better, or worse?" I sniffed.

"Well, I was hoping for better." He smiled at me. "He loves you, you know."

"I just can't believe how much I fucked this up. I never should have started anything with Claire."

"Maybe so, but you can't do anything about that now." He tugged at me to get me to stand. "C'mon, Bella. Let's get you home." I walked dejectedly toward my truck. "He's not even there you know," Jasper said softly.

I stopped in my tracks and turned to look at him. "He's not?" Fear coiled in the pit of my stomach and I suddenly felt sick. What if he was with another girl? I pictured him kissing someone else, fucking them, and the nausea grew.

Jasper shook his head, "No, he went home."

Home. I breathed a sigh of relief. "To visit his parents?" My voice came out shaky but Jasper either didn't hear it, or chose to ignore it.

"Yes."

I moaned and started walking. "God, if we ever do get this worked out, his parents are going to hate me."

Jasper laughed. "Carlisle and Esme? Not likely. They're some of the nicest people in the world. _When_ you and Edward work it out they'll welcome you with open arms." He squeezed my shoulder sympathetically.

"Thanks for this, Jasper," I said gratefully as we came to my truck. "You should hate me, you're his friend after all."

"I don't hate you. And neither does he. Like I said, you both made some mistakes but I have faith that you can work it out. You're right together, Bella. I know it."

I laughed humorlessly. "We're nothing like you and Alice."

He shrugged. "Just because we fell for each other right away doesn't mean we have the perfect relationship. It's not always easy. You know Alice, and I'm no picnic myself sometimes. But we work at it."

"I know." I sighed. "I just ... god, sometimes I wish I'd been interested in him that night you know? If I'd gone after him ... well, it would all be totally different now."

"That's true." He said. "But I think maybe you two needed to have things happen this way. And when you work it out, you'll know for sure you can make it through anything."

"God I hope so." I started crying again and Jasper hugged me.

"I don't think you ought to be drivin' tonight." He gently took the keys from my hand. "I'll drive you back to Seattle."

"But how will you get home?" I asked, wiping the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.

"Alice can bring me back."

"Are you sure? It's a huge inconvenience." I protested.

"I'm sure." He gently pushed me into the passenger seat. I slept most of the way back to Seattle, an old blanket I'd tossed behind the seats serving as my pillow. Jasper half carried me to my room and kissed me on the forehead after he helped me to my bed.

"You'll be okay, Bella. I promise." He hugged me and closed the door behind him; I fell asleep still fully dressed. I was out almost immediately and I slept for almost a full night for the first time in days. I woke up feeling semi-human and managed to catch up on my laundry and organize my books. I hardly left the apartment that entire weekend, but it was surprisingly productive and it felt good to be functioning again. For the first time since Edward left, I felt a tiny bit of hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think of Bella's realizations?
> 
> -And what about her conversation with Jasper?


	49. I Never Thought I'd Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep hanging in there, we're so close!

**Chapter Forty Nine: I Never Thought I'd Break**

I held up pretty well

The first few days I even tried to dying

To get my mind off you

Friends said I look like hell

They said they snapped like that

If they'd been through

What I'd been through

They'd simply fall apart

Well, I am about to start

I never thought I'd break

I thought I could hang on till all the hurt

Had all run out

And I'd be fine

I guess I am not that kind

Not the kind to fall apart

When lovers go away until today

It finally hit me, you're gone

And now I am barely hangin' on

I never thought I'd break

I never thought you'd make me miss your face

And make me ache to hear your voice

But now I have no choice

I've always had the answer

You were my one mistake

Until the day we broke up

I never thought I'd break

I never thought I'd break

I never thought you'd make me miss your face

And make me ache to hear your voice

But now I have no choice

I've always had the answers

You were my one mistake

Until the day I woke up

I thought I'd do what I could judge

Until that day we broke up

I never thought I'd break

-"I Never Thought I'd Break" Written by Dean Pitchford and Peter Allen

* * *

Surprisingly the dates weren't as bad as I expected. I wasn't enthusiastic about them, but they weren't as torturous as I'd imagined. Alice and Rosalie did their best. I honestly think they grabbed every single attractive person they met on the street and set them up with me. One night I threw up my hands and begged them to let me surrender.

"I give up you two. This is getting ridiculous. I have had six dates in two weeks. No more."

Alice looked smug. "Any of them any good?"

I sighed and threw myself back on the couch. "That's the problem; they are totally decent, interesting, attractive prospects."

"How is that a problem?" Rosalie asked.

"I don't want them. They're not Edward." Suddenly, I found myself crying and they both came and sat beside me. Rosalie rubbed my back in small circles while I sobbed and Alice held my hand. "I don't want to replace him, I want _him_."

"I know," Alice said. "But that's a good thing. You can tell him you went out with all sort of fantastic people and none of them were what you wanted, but you gave it a shot." I nodded and she continued, "So tell me what some of them were like. I'm not sure who Rosalie has been setting you up with."

Rosalie laughed. "And I'm dying to know about the ones Alice picked out."

I finally stopped sniffling and I shook my head at the two of them. "You're both crazy you know that?"

Rosalie kissed my cheek. "Of course, dear, that's why you love us."

I stuck my tongue out at her. "Fine. I'll dish. But I need booze first."

Alice hopped up. "Margaritas it is."

Rosalie and I both groaned. "Alice you know bad things happen when we drink margaritas."

She laughed. "That's what I'm counting on."

When she returned with a full pitcher and a glass for each of us I began.

"So the first one was courtesy of Alice and his name is Colin. He was very cute, lots of dark hair and blue eyes. He was originally from Ireland actually."

"He had an accent then?" Rosalie asked.

"Yeah, it was gorgeous. He's a musician, a guitarist actually. We went out for dinner and had a great time talking, lots in common, very sweet, and thoughtful." I sighed and took a sip of my drink.

"Did you kiss him?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, all in the name of research, right?" I snorted. "It was nice I guess. Not earth shattering, but nice. He's a really really good guy and I should totally fall for him."

"But you didn't."

"No I didn't."

"So who was next?" Alice asked.

"Jimmy. He was Rose's pick."

"Jimmy?" Alice laughed.

"Yeah, I know, sounds like the name for a four year old right? But he was very very cute. Very punk, he had a Mohawk, and some really gorgeous tattoos. One was of a martini glass with a faint trace of lipstick on the rim; he must have a very good tattoo artist."

"So where was the tattoo that you are so enamored with?" Rosalie waggled her eyebrows at me.

"His bicep. I could see it when he took off his coat."

She sighed. "You are just no fun."

"So what's the verdict on him?" Alice asked.

"He's amazing; he's a really talented writer. And yes, I read some of his work," I said, heading off the question I knew was coming. "He was very funny, we had lots in common, and the kiss was good. There was even kind of a spark, but it would have been a 'yay let's have fun' kind of thing, not an 'I should spend the rest of my life with this guy one'. And even then I didn't want to."

They both shook their heads at that. "Alright, next?"

I thought back. "This one was another Rosalie. Her name was Victoria."

Alice grinned. "I see we're an equal opportunity dating service."

I rolled my eyes but I grinned back at her anyway. "Victoria was very pretty, tons of gorgeous red hair and pale skin."

Rosalie winked. "I do good, right?"

"You do good. And we had tons to talk about too; she reads a lot and she's incredibly smart. She was a little shy maybe, but we hit it off well. And yes, I kissed her. It was nice, but nothing spectacular."

Rosalie sighed. "Damn, I had high hopes for her."

"Sorry, Rose."

"Moving on," Alice said. "The next one was Garrett, right?"

"Yep. Army boy."

Rosalie whistled. "Please tell me you saw him in uniform."

"Yeah, well, Alice showed me a picture of him in it. Very hot. Blondish curly hair, dimples, totally ripped. Incredibly smart and driven. He graduated from West Point and he was home visiting family before he gets deployed."

"Damn." Rosalie said, "You do good too, Alice."

She beamed. "Any sparks?"

"Actually yeah, it was a damn good kiss. But ..."

They both sighed in unison. "But not Edward. We know. Next."

"Then I went out with Jared. Totally ridiculously hot surfer type. Dirty blond hair, blue eyes, wicked smile, the whole deal. In great shape, double major in psychology and criminal justice...blah blah blah..."

"Good kisser?" Rosalie asked.

"Yeah, not bad, but ..."

They both groaned in frustration.

"Have you guys been practicing synchronized interrogation?" I teased them.

"Shut up; tell us about the last one," Alice said.

"Rob was the last guy. He was a couple of years older than the rest of them and he was working at an advertising agency, but he still had sort of that skater vibe to him. Dark brown hair, goatee, brown eyes. Really into music, we had a ton in common. He had an adorable dog." They looked confused. "We went on a date at the park and he brought her," I explained.

"Aww. That's cute," Alice said.

"Yeah it was actually," I admitted.

"Kiss?" Rosalie asked. Clearly, she just wanted the gory details.

"Good kiss."

"Damn it Bella," she said.

"I'm sorry. Apparently I shouldn't have started out with Edward Cullen. The rest of the human race just doesn't measure up." I threw up my hands again. Apparently the drinks were starting to get to me. I was getting over-dramatic.

Rosalie snorted but agreed. "Yeah, he's something else. If I hadn't fallen for Emmett you and I might never have spoken again."

I smacked her arm. "Thanks, bitch."

She shrugged and grinned at me. "What? Nah, I'm just teasing you, Bella. Edward was never right for me."

Alice looked at me seriously. "So would you consider any of them for a second date?"

I sighed. "If Edward didn't exist ... sure. You guys did an amazing job. I don't know how you managed to weed out all of the weirdoes but you found me six incredible people. And there's a little part of me that can see myself with any of them in some other universe, some other lifetime. But the only one I can see _all_ of me with is Edward." By the end my eyes had filled with tears, again.

They both hugged me. "Well, you have your answer then. Just be patient and when Edward's stupid two month rule is up you two can work it out." Alice suggested.

"I was surprised you were okay with this actually," I admitted.

Alice shrugged. "Yeah, I don't know. I think Edward's being idiotic, and I'm pissed at him. But he does have a point that you hadn't dated anyone but him and Claire, and if you're both as serious about this as I think you are, maybe seeing what else was out there wasn't a bad idea. And how often was I going to get the chance to set you up on a bunch of dates otherwise?"

Rosalie and I both laughed and she turned to look at me.

"You know, at the end of the two months if things are still strained between the two of you just, show up at Edward's door in nothing but a trench coat and heels and see if that'll get him back."

I laughed and nearly fell off the couch. I looked down to realize that entire pitcher of margaritas

was gone and I was well on my way to being drunk off my ass. I took another sip of my drink and slammed it down on the table.

"Alright bitches, I need more margaritas."

The rest of the night dissolved into more tears and laughter, but it felt good to finally get it all out of my system. The three of us collapsed into Rosalie's queen size bed and it felt nice to have a warm body on either side of me as I slept. It was comforting to not sleep alone for a change. That night I slept without dreaming of Edward for the first time in a very long time. But in the morning there was still a dull ache in my chest that I had no idea how to fix.

**~BC~**

I was startled by a knock on the door the following Sunday morning. I was even more surprised when I opened the door to see Charlie standing there holding a bunch of tulips.

"Dad?" I asked in bewilderment. Somehow the sight of him was more than I could take and I could feel my eyes start to well up with tears.

He thrust the tulips at me and then took one look at my face and pulled me into a hug. "Is it Edward?"

"What?" I sniffled. For a third time in less than five minutes I was rendered speechless.

"Is it Edward? Is that why you're crying?"

I realized then that I was actually crying, my tears were wetting the flannel under my cheek.

"Yes." I cried harder, and his arms tightened around him. Charlie smelled like rain and pine and home. I sobbed for a few minutes until my tears finally slowed and I could pull myself together enough to invite Charlie in and close the door to the apartment. I put the tulips in some water and set them on the counter before curling up on the couch. Charlie sat at the other end and looked at me, worry creasing his forehead.

"I know I'm not much good at this, but do you want to talk about it?" he asked, patting my foot awkwardly.

I looked down at my hands, unsure of how to start. I nodded and took a deep breath. "How did you know it was Edward?"

He chuckled. "I may be kind of oblivious sometimes, but I am a cop, and your dad. You two did a terrible job of trying to pretend you were just friends." I laughed through my sniffles, knowing he was right. "And that's fine. It's your business if you don't want to talk to your old man about it, you're an adult. But maybe I can help?"

I sniffled and wiped at my eyes. "The problem is, we tried to pretend that we were just friends to ourselves too. And it was stupid. And now everything is a big mess."

"Did he hurt you?"

I sniffed and reached for a box of tissues to blow my nose. "No, not really, I mean he said some things that upset me but actually I'm the one that hurt him." I blew my nose and continued. "We weren't in a relationship or anything, but I started seeing someone else, and well, that didn't work out either, but Edward's hurt. And I care about him, I really do, but I have no idea how to be in a relationship."

Charlie sighed and patted my foot again. "I was afraid of this."

"Afraid of what?"

"That what happened with your mom was going to affect you. I really hoped it wouldn't, you didn't really date much in high school, but I figured you would when you were ready. Hell, you're pretty much a father's dream, not dating until you're eighteen." He chuckled. "And Edward seems like a nice boy. Although, he is a bit older than you, isn't he?"

"Um, yeah, six years."

Charlie made a funny little huffing noise and then shook his head. "No matter I guess; if he treats you right."

"He does." I swallowed. "I'm not sure if it matters anyway. I don't know if we can make this work."

"Do you want to?"

"Yes."

"Does he?"

"I ... I think so. I hope so."

"Well, if he does than all you can do is try. I will say this, if both of you aren't willing, it's not going to get anywhere. I loved your mom, Bella, so much. But she wasn't ready to be a wife and mother. We were just out of school and so stupid." He chuckled ruefully. "I'll never regret having you, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I think it would have been a lot better for your mom if we had waited. I don't worry about you the same way though. To be honest, at fifteen you were more mature than your mom was at eighteen." He looked at me seriously. "But I know it was hard on you not having her around. And I tried, and Sue was wonderful ..."

"But it's not the same," I said quietly.

"No, it's not. And I'm sorry, Bella."

"What do you have to be sorry for?"

"I could have been a better husband." He looked down at his hand. "Maybe she would have stayed.

"Did you try?" He nodded. "Did she?"

He hesitated and then shook his head no.

"Weren't you just telling me that for it to work both people had to try?"

He nodded again. After the longest speech I'd ever heard from Charlie, apparently his words had run out.

"Then you did what you could dad. I don't blame you. I'm not sure I even blame her. I think I have a lot better idea now of how easy it is for things to fall apart. But I know mom leaving was part of it."

"Part of what?"

"Part of why I couldn't tell Edward how I felt." It was hard to say out loud, but I needed to do it. "I was afraid that he'd leave me. But I finally figured out how much I care about Edward, and if he'll give me another chance I think I'm ready to try."

Charlie sighed. "Oh, Bella." He looked sad and vaguely guilty.

"I know. I guess I've had this stupid idea that somehow it was my fault that mom left."

He frowned and I had never seen him look so angry. "Don't you dare think that, Bella. It had absolutely nothing to do with you. It was her, absolutely one hundred percent. She wasn't ready, and I don't ever want you to think for a moment that it was your fault."

"I'm working on it," I admitted and he nodded, looking relieved. "I'm also afraid I'm going to turn into her," I said quietly.

Charlie shook his head forcefully. "The ways you're like your mother are the good ways. Your smile, the way you get excited about things you're interested in, the way you care about your friends. But you're a far more steady person than she is. If you want a life with Edward, you can make it work. I don't have any doubts in you."

"You're the only one," I said ruefully.

"You'll get there."

"Thanks, Dad."

Charlie swallowed hard and leaned forward. "You know, your mother wanted to take you with her at first."

"She did?"

"Yeah. But we talked about it and agreed you'd be better off with me. I hope you don't think that was a mistake."

"No, not at all." I shook my head. "I don't think it would have been good for me to end up with her. I was happy growing up with you, believe me."

"Good. I know it's been a long time since you've talked to her. If you ever want to, I have her address and phone number. If you think it would help."

I stared at him in shock. I hadn't seen her since I was about seven. I saw her for a week or two over the summers for the first few years after she left, but I always came home upset and withdrawn and eventually Charlie decided it was doing more harm than good. I didn't have many memories of her at all, good or bad and I didn't know how I felt about the idea of seeing her again.

"You kept in contact with her?"

"We didn't talk much, but yeah, just enough so she could stay updated on how you were doing and so I could get a hold of her if anything happened to you."

"Huh."

"You aren't upset at me, are you?" Charlie looked uncomfortable and I hastened to reassure him.

"No, not at all, just kind of stunned. Can I ask, um, how is she doing?"

"She seems happy. She and Phil got married when you were about thirteen."

"Oh god, I don't have any step siblings do I?"

"No. They didn't have any kids together."

"That's good. That would be really weird. Um, what does she do?"

Charlie chuckled. "You'll laugh."

"What is she a circus performer or something?" I joked. It wasn't completely out of the question, the few things I did remember always involved her doing something big and colorful and showy.

He smiled. "I can see that, but no she's actually a librarian."

"Huh."

"Children's books I guess. And she runs the arts and educational programs there."

"Wow."

"Look, she floated from job to job for a long time; I don't think she got that gig until you were well into your teens."

"Yeah." It was still somewhat astonishing to me that my absent mother apparently was good with kids and loved spending time with them. And maybe I should have felt hurt, like she'd chosen them over me, but I was starting to realize that life wasn't nearly so simple. Sometimes I hated that she had hurt Charlie and me, but now that I'd seen what had happened with Edward, I understood how difficult it all was. She wasn't perfect, and maybe she'd made some wrong decisions, but I wasn't perfect either. I wasn't really sure I had the right to judge her. I didn't think she'd ever deliberately tried to hurt us.

We sat there quietly for a few moments and I looked back up at Charlie and sighed.

"I wish I could make this easier for you." He ruffled his hair uneasily.

"Actually coming here helped," I admitted. "Why are you here anyway?"

He chuckled. "Oh, yeah. Some of the guys I knew from the Academy were getting together for a barbecue. I just stopped by to see you while I was in town."

"Oh. And the flowers?"

He looked vaguely embarrassed. "I stopped to pick up some Vitamin R and saw them. Used to buy them for your mom all the time, and I thought you'd like them."

"I do." Something stirred in the back of my memory. "You used to buy mom the pink ones, and you always got me the yellow..." I glanced over at the counter where a dozen yellow tulips were sitting. "Thank you, Dad." I hugged him, suddenly feeling six again, instead of nineteen. "I'm glad you came by. I needed it."

"It's nice to still be of some use." I could see Charlie's cheeks turn faintly pink. He didn't blush often, but it was definitely where I'd inherited it from. "What do you say to some breakfast with your old man?"

"I'd like that," I admitted. "But what about your barbecue?"

"I have a while to kill before it starts and what's more important than my girl anyway?"

"Just give me a minute to change."

He looked at me closely. "How about you take your time and shower too?"

"Do I look that bad?"

"Um." Charlie scratched at his head. "No?"

I laughed a full, loud genuine laugh. "I'll shower then."

He nodded and reached for the remote. "I'm sure I can find a game on or something. Take your time."

I showered and dressed and put on enough makeup to make myself look semi-human again. I was done in under half an hour and I came out into the living room to see Emmett, Rose, Jasper, and Charlie watching the Mariners play. They were all shouting at the TV with identical looks of irritation on their face. Alice was absorbed in a sewing project, sitting at Jasper's feet while he ran his fingers through her hair. I smiled faintly to see so many people I cared about so much, all together. The only one missing was Edward.

Once I'd disentangled Charlie from the TV we walked to the diner Alice and I had discovered just down the street. Charlie hummed in approval when we sat down, inhaling the mingled aromas of coffee and bacon. "This place looks great."

To be honest, it was pretty much a hole in the wall, shabby around the edges, and not nearly as homey as the diner in Forks, but it had a familiar feel, and the food was spectacular. My throat constricted when I saw the apple cinnamon French toast, remembering the breakfast in the hotel with Edward, so I ordered the eggs and toast, filching a piece of bacon from Charlie's plate. He grumbled around a mouthful of pancakes and I gave him a smile. His eyes twinkled at me and a moment later I found another piece of bacon on my plate and Charlie pretending like he had no idea how it got there. He wasn't a complicated man. Mystery bacon was normally more his speed than heart to hearts, but that day he'd given me both, and it was exactly what I'd needed.

We finished breakfast and walked back to the apartment. He walked me to the door, despite my protests. He inspected the locks on the door apparently finding them satisfactory because he nodded and stuck his hands in his back pockets. He gruffly told me to call him, any time of day or night if I needed him and I was grateful, even though I'd probably never take him up on it. He hugged me goodbye and kissed me on the cheek, his mustache tickling me until I squirmed and pulled away.

"Thanks, Dad. I love you."

"I love you too, Bells. I hope it works out with Edward."

"Thanks. I do too."

My conversation with Charlie gave me plenty to think about as the final weeks ticked by. At first I thought mostly about my mother, it had been a lot to absorb. The idea that she was happily married now, and had a job working with kids had kind of thrown me. I still wasn't entirely sure how I felt about the idea of talking to her again. Maybe eventually, but I wasn't sure I was really at that point or why I wanted to talk to her. I didn't know if I wanted a chance to yell at her, or if I wanted to hear her explanation of why she'd left. I did know I wasn't ready for any sort of relationship with her though. I had been able to forgive Rosalie, but forgiving Renee was asking too much. I decided that I would work on my relationship with Edward first. And some day, maybe in the future I'd reconsider contacting her.

**~BC~**

Toward the end of June Alice approached me uncomfortably, as unsure and worried as I'd ever seen her. "I have something I need to talk to you about."

"Should I be worried?"

"No, it's not bad; I just don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

"Okay ..."

"We're going out to celebrate Edward's birthday tomorrow."

"Oh."

"Look, I debated if I should even say anything, but I didn't see any point in trying to hide it from you. It's nothing big, we're just going out to dinner. He refused to do anything else, he's worse than you are about making a big deal about it." Alice made a face.

"No, I'm glad you said something. I'm not that fragile."

"Look, Rosalie offered to stay home with you, if you wanted."

"Oh geeze, no, tell her to go have fun. I'll be fine."

"You promise?"

"I promise, Alice."

I tried to be fine. Under the circumstances I was as fine as I was going to be. It stung, being excluded, even though there was no way around it. Even though it wasn't really any one's fault but my own. I gritted my teeth and told Alice to have fun before she left. Her eyes met mine and even though she knew I was about thirty seconds away from crying, she walked out the door. I did cry, but a little less than I had expected to. And I made a promise to myself that we would be together the next year and that I'd do something special for him. It seemed impossible that it had been a year since Rosalie's party. It seemed simultaneously longer and shorter than that. Some part of me felt like I had always been with Edward, and it seemed impossible that we had known each other for almost a year and a half, and had been intimate for a year. And yet, the almost two months we'd spent apart since he'd come home seemed endless.

Every evening I ran in the fading twilight, my muscles burning and my mind clear and focused. For the first time, I finally felt like I was completely ready to start a relationship. I laughed to myself, thinking of the way Alice and Jasper had seamlessly fallen into a relationship, and even Emmett and Rosalie had made it work. I never would have thought that I would be the last hold-out, struggling to admit I was in love with someone but willing to do whatever it took to make it work. But I was, and I was suddenly eager and impatient to talk to Edward again. Not just because I missed him desperately, but because I was finally where I needed to be.

I had been disgustingly immature about our entire relationship I realized ruefully. The things he had done to try to show me how he felt piled up as I considered them and I wondered how I'd been so blind. Every minute action on his part had been his way of telling me he loved me. Every touch, every kiss, every sweet, thoughtful time he went out of his way to do something nice for me had been so obvious. I cringed, realizing just how cavalierly I'd treated him in return. What had I done for him? Other than take his feelings for granted and rub my interest in someone else in his face.

I sighed and pushed myself harder as I ran, knowing that nothing could change the past. I tamped down the sick feeling that crept up when I started to wonder if he still wanted me. After the way I'd treated him, I didn't really deserve him. But I could do better in the future. And I had to be hopeful. It was the only way I was going to make it through the next few weeks until I could see him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -How did you like Bella's talk with Charlie?
> 
> -Do you think she's ready for a relationship with Edward now?


	50. Amado Mio

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter tonight, since I've been so terrible about updating. You're gonna love this one. :)
> 
> Amado Mio by Pink Martini
> 
> http:/www./watch?v=MDx2N4BmS_M
> 
> The lyrics are posted at the end of the chapter for a reason. :)

                                                                                                           **Chapter Fifty: Amado Mio**

I was nervous and I knew I wasn't going to sleep at all that night. The following day was exactly two months from when Edward had returned from Italy and I wasn't going to wait any longer. First thing in the morning, I was going to call him and tell him that I wanted to talk to him, if I didn't throw up first.

My stomach was in knots and I hadn't eaten anything all day. I knew I needed something so I rummaged around in the refrigerator. More than just cream cheese and vodka in here, I thought. But nothing appealed. Remembering that week I'd spent with Edward over spring break made me even more nauseous and I slammed the door shut. Maybe I'd go for a walk and see if I could find something. I looked down; I was wearing ratty pajama pants, and Edward's hooded sweatshirt. Eh, I thought, no one would really care. I wasn't any different than the rest of the students on late night food runs, just depressed and nervous instead of high. I slipped on a pair of tennis shoes and shoved my wallet and keys in my pocket. Alice and Jasper had gone out dancing and I scribbled a quick note on the board by the door to let them know I was out, just in case they came back and wondered where I had gone.

I locked the door behind me and walked down the stairs. I wasn't really sure where I was going but it felt good to be up and moving around instead of sitting and brooding about what would happen the next day. It was warm out but there was a light drizzle. I pulled up the hood of Edward's sweatshirt and breathed in his scent. Amazingly, it still smelled faintly of him, and I found it comforting. I wandered past the pizza joints and fast food places, ignoring the shouted comments from the drunks staggering from bar to bar. I wondered just how late it was, I'd been so wrapped up in my own thoughts I had lost track of the time. I automatically reached for my phone to check and swore aloud when I couldn't find it. I remembered I'd left it sitting on the table by the door at the apartment. I asked the first non-creepy looking person who walked by me for the time and she told me it was twelve o' four. I was surprised; I hadn't realized how late it was. I thanked her and kept walking. Nothing appealed but I was starting to feel a little light-headed from the lack of food.

Spying a convenience store a block over, I wandered in and stood staring blankly at the shelves. A can of tomato soup caught my eye and I grabbed it. Grilled cheese and tomato soup might not solve my problems but they actually sounded like something I could stomach and I made my way to the line juggling the soup, some bread, a gallon of milk, and some cheese. Once I had paid, I walked home a little more quickly. I'd watch movies for the rest of the night to keep myself distracted, I decided. Maybe "Eight Legged Freaks" would work. It was hard to feel too sappy when you were watching spiders as big as a car pounce on people. I was almost smiling to myself when I walked in the door of the apartment complex and up the stairs. I stopped abruptly at the top of the stairs and my heart started hammering in my chest. There was someone sitting just outside my door. It was hard to tell from this distance but for a moment, it looked like ...

"Edward?" I croaked.

The guy heard me and looked up. It _was_ him.

"Bella," he breathed and stood up and walked quickly toward me. The food bags dropped to the floor and I didn't even notice as I hurried to him.

"Edward. What are you doing here?" I asked, astonished.

"I couldn't wait any longer. I want you back, Bella. I was stupid and I fucked up so bad," he said. He reached for me and without any hesitation, I went into his arms.

"But it's not tomorrow yet," I said, my voice muffled by his shirt.

"Yes it is." I could hear the smile in his voice. "It's twelve twenty-two. Technically, it's tomorrow."

I looked up and really saw him for the first time.

"Holy hell Edward, you look like shit."

"Thanks." He was still smiling. He did look awful though, he'd lost weight, and his eyes had dark circles under them. He looked like he hadn't shaved in at least a couple of weeks and his hair looked like a tornado had gone through it.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"I'm better now."

I nodded. "Let's go in my apartment and talk." I was still nervous and the queasy feeling I had earlier was back. I was glad to see him, and the ache I'd felt in my chest since he left was subsiding. But I was terrified that our conversation might not go well and it would be over for us. _Could we really repair all of the damage we had done?_ I wondered.

He let go of my waist and took my hand instead and then paused. "Is this ok? Can I do this?" He lifted up our joined hands.

"Yes." My voice was thick with un-shed tears and I was starting to feel a little light headed, foggy around the edges, and dazed.

"Good." We turned toward my door and I remembered the bags.

"Wait, Edward."

He paused and looked worried. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no ... I just need to get the groceries I dumped on the floor." I gestured toward the end of the hall and he smiled faintly.

"Sorry, you scared me. I thought maybe you changed your mind about wanting to talk."

"No of course not." I tugged his hand and he followed me to the stairs.

He helped me gather up the bags and I let us into the apartment. I set the bags on the counter and turned to look at him in the brighter light. He looked exhausted and worried. I reached my hand up to touch his cheek and he pressed his face into my hand.

"I missed you so much," he said.

"I missed you too." The words came out almost a sob and before I knew it, his lips were on mine and he was kissing me fiercely. I knew I was crying and I couldn't tell if he was too, but when we finally pulled away a little his cheeks were wet. I pulled away from him to drag my sleeve across my face to dry it when everything started to go white. There was a roaring in my ears and Edward's worried face was the last thing I saw. I was vaguely conscious of being picked up and moved but I was disoriented when my vision returned to normal. Edward's worried face was still in front of me though and my hands were gripping his.

"Bella wake up. Please, Bella, are you ok?" he sounded frantic.

I nodded and the room spun a little but it didn't go white. "I'm ok."

His head fell forward and he laid there a moment with his forehead resting against my stomach before he looked up again.

"I was so worried about you. What happened?" he asked.

Everything had settled down and other than being a little woozy, I was starting to feel better.

"I think I must have passed out."

"You scared me."

For a moment, it felt like old times and I couldn't resist teasing him. "Well, if it wouldn't have been such a good kiss I wouldn't have had that problem."

He lifted his head and smiled, shaking his head. "Oh, Bella."

"I'm ok now though. I haven't eaten all day I think that's why I got so light-headed," I said and I touched a piece of his hair that was sticking out wildly and smoothed it down.

He stood up and reluctantly let go of my hands. "Ok. I'll make you something. What do you want?"

"I picked up stuff for grilled cheese and tomato soup. It was all I could really stomach. I can help though." I struggled to sit up on from the couch and he gently pushed me back.

"Just relax; I want to make this for you."

"Ok." I shrugged and lay back down, watching him while he walked over to the kitchen and pulled things out of the bag.

"Amazingly enough the milk didn't bust open when you dropped it, but the soup can is kind of dented," he said.

I laughed. "I was really surprised to see you."

"I could tell. Good surprise, right?" His voice was casual but I could tell he was worried.

"Very good surprise. I was counting down the hours until tomorrow morning when I was going to call you."

He smiled at me. "Tomorrow morning was too far away. That's why I showed up at midnight." He looked vaguely embarrassed but pleased with himself.

"I'm glad you did. I'm sorry I wasn't here though."

"Were you just getting groceries then?" he asked, stirring the soup.

"Yeah, if you got here around midnight I probably just missed you. I went for a walk to try to find something to eat. I think I left around eleven forty-five."

"I did just miss you then. I kind of freaked out when you weren't here and you didn't answer your phone though."

"Yeah, I left it here. Sorry," I apologized.

"Well, I figured that out when I heard it ring inside the apartment. But I was kind of worried that you were out without it," he paused, "and kind of worried that you were with someone else."

I shook my head vehemently. "No, just out for soup, bread, and cheese."

He nodded. "I'm glad. I almost threw up in your hallway while I waited for you to come back."

I laughed. "That's the way to try to win your girlfriend back ... show up and puke on her floor. I think roses are more traditional though." As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized what I'd said.

"Girlfriend?" His voice was hopeful but nervous.

My heart raced. "I'd like to be." We stared at each other a moment and jumped when the fire alarm starting going off.

"Fuck," Edward swore and jerked the pan off the stove. We had been so busy staring at each other that neither of us had noticed the grilled cheese starting to burn. He dumped the charred sandwich into the trash and grabbed a clean pan from the cabinet. When the smoke detector finally stopped blaring, he sighed. "Sorry, Bella, I'll make you a new one."

"It's ok." I wondered if he was going to comment on what I said earlier.

"I really want to talk to you about this right now, but apparently I can't have a serious conversation and cook at the same time. Let's get you fed so you don't pass out again and then we'll talk."

"Alright." I was impatient but at least I had a fairly good idea that he and I were on the same page about wanting to be back together. As for the rest of it, we'd get to it eventually. I watched him while he cooked; I liked seeing him standing in my kitchen, he looked right there. I noticed the way the muscles in his hands and forearms tensed when he flipped the sandwich and I felt my heart flutter. There was something different about him. It was as though his usual charm had been stripped away and all I was seeing was the real Edward. I liked the charming, snarky, flirty Edward that I'd met a year and a half ago. But I loved the tender, concerned Edward who was taking care of me right now.

I snapped out of my reverie when he carefully handed me a plate with a bowl balanced on it. I tucked my knees under me and rested the plate on my lap.

"Thank you," I said gratefully. "I am starving."

"Good." We didn't speak much while we ate, except when I ended up with a strand of melted cheese dangling from my mouth. He laughed and used his finger to flip it back up toward my mouth and my tongue grazed his finger when he fed it to me. He let out a strangled moan and I blushed.

"I'm not sure grilled cheese should ever be that sexy," he muttered and I laughed. When we were done and the plates were on the floor beside us, he cleared his throat. The tension in the room built again and we stared at each other for a moment.

"Can I say something first?" he asked.

"Sure." I shrugged, but I was nervous again.

"First of all, I'm sorry that this turned into such a mess. I want to apologize for my part in that."

I nodded. "Thank you, I appreciate that." It didn't make the tension go away, but it helped ease it a little. "I am sorry for my part in this too." He nodded and I continued. "But there's something I need to say. I think I understand why you did some of the things you did, but I don't agree with a lot of them."

"That's fair," he said and waited for me to continue. When I didn't, he cleared his throat again. "Actually, can I say something else?"

I nodded, unsure of what he was about to tell me. We were facing each other on the couch and he took my hands. "I love you, Bella and I know I fucked up but I really want to make this work."

That hadn't been what I was expecting him to say but nothing could have made me happier. My heart thudded in my chest.

"I love you, too, Edward, so much."

He sighed and leaned forward until our foreheads were touching. "Alright. I can deal with anything else, as long as I know that."

I couldn't help but smile back at him. "I told you that before..."

"I know, but I had to be sure you still felt that way. I had to be sure I hadn't ruined everything."

"I love you, too much to give up that easily. If you want me, I'm pretty sure you're stuck with me." I pulled away to look at him. "But we do have a lot of shit we have to figure out before we start anything."

"I know," he said.

"Look, I think we should start from the beginning. Can you explain something to me? Why didn't you tell me you cared about me before?"

He nodded as if he was expecting the question. "I wanted to. And I almost did a thousand times. But I was too scared." He sighed. "And I'm not blaming you ... Not at all. Please know that. But you are really hard to read sometimes." I started to protest but he held up his hand. "I'm just going to have to learn to ask you when I can't figure it out." I closed my mouth and let him continue, "I tried to drop so many hints, and every time you brushed it off like you didn't want anything serious. I kind of chickened out I guess ... and I was afraid if I pushed it, you'd run."

"I know," I admitted. "I was scared, too. I was so sure that I was imaging things and that you wanted to keep it casual and I'd look like an idiot if I told you I had feelings. I was so sure that you had a thousand girls lusting after you and you'd finally come to your senses and drop me for them."

"Oh, Bella, I could never want anyone the way I want you. And just to clear the air, there hasn't been anyone else I've even considered since we slept together for the first time at Rosie's party." His voice was earnest.

"I know." I took a deep breath. "And to be honest, at first I didn't know if I did want something serious. I was scared shitless by the idea of a relationship."

"And now?"

"And now, I know that I want to be with you and only you. I'm not saying I'm not still a little nervous, but I'm excited about it, too."

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. "That brings us to our other problem; the argument we had when I got back."

"Yes. That hurt like hell, Edward."

"I know."

"You swore you were ok with me being with Claire and you promised me you wanted to be with me. I didn't understand what changed, or why."

He sighed. "I just realized I couldn't share you. I wanted to be with you and I couldn't stand the idea of someone else touching you."

"But things with her were already over by the time you got home."

"I know; I just got scared." He scrubbed his hands over his face. "I think we need to clear the air about the ultimatum I gave you. Just tell me honestly what has happened in the last two months."

"Alright. I did date other people." He winced but let me continue. "And do you know what I found out? I found out that there are many other people out there. A lot of people I could date, or fuck, or spend the rest of my life with." He turned white and I gasped when I realized how he'd interpreted it. "No, Edward, wait. Listen before you freak out ... I _could_ be with them. But I didn't _want to_. _I want to be with you_. There are other people out there, but they aren't you." His color slowly returned to normal. "I'm sorry, Edward; I didn't mean to freak you out like that." I squeezed his hands tightly in mine, trying to reassure him.

"No, I deserved it. I was a total ass about the whole thing."

"Yeah, you were. And it was a shitty thing to ask me to do. I mean fine, maybe I did need some time to figure stuff out, but ordering me to date other people? That's just ..." I trailed off, unsure of how to put into words how it had made me feel.

"I know. Can you forgive me for it?"

I nodded. "I'm working on it. I need you to explain why you wanted me to do it."

"I was afraid of losing you."

"That's what Rose said." I frowned. "But how does pushing me away help with that?"

He sighed. "I don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I think I was just scared to care about you so much. I thought that if I pushed you away and you came back to me I wouldn't ever have to be afraid of that again. Which is stupid ..."

"Well yeah." I rolled my eyes. "I could have left you for someone else you know."

"I was afraid you were going to leave me for someone ... anyone. I thought if I pushed you away, made you date other people you'd get it out of your system or something. Fuck ... I don't know. It was ridiculous, irrational, and stupid. And I am so so sorry, Bella."

I felt a moment of anger at him, for how absolutely stupid and irrational it really had been. "I know you are. But you can't ever treat me like that again, Edward. Don't push me away; don't make decisions like that without talking through it with me."

"I won't. I swear. I know it was the worst thing I could have done."

I nodded. "If you'd sat down and talked to me about it, it would have been one thing ... but you ordered me to see other people and I felt like it was some sort of punishment for what happened with Claire, as screwed up as that sounds."

He sighed. "I know, and I certainly wasn't consciously trying to do that. I just ... I needed the distance and instead of asking you to give me that, I lashed out and pushed you away."

"Well, let's not ever do that again, okay? Either of us."

He nodded in agreement. "I know. I really fucked up."

I nodded. "Yeah, you did, Edward. But I fucked up too."

He sighed. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"You don't have to answer it if you don't want to."

"Ok ... You're kind of freaking me out here ..."

"I just ... did you sleep with any of them?"

I looked at him. "With any of the people I went on dates with? Honestly, that really isn't any of your business, Edward, at least not unless we started having sex again. That's the only reason you'd have a right to ask."

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I know. Like I said, you don't have to answer it. It doesn't really matter."

"No."

"No it doesn't matter?"

"No, I didn't sleep with any of them. Since we were together, the only person I was with was Claire. I kissed the people I went out with, that's it." He looked relieved. "But, Edward ..."

He nodded. "I'm going to have to work on my jealousy. I was jealous of Claire. I was insecure and I lashed out at you. I didn't understand how you could care about both of us. And somehow it was that much worse because she's a woman."

"I don't understand how that makes any difference," I said, puzzled.

He ran his fingers through his hair. "I'll try to explain. It's irrational of course, but I felt like I could never compete with her. I'm a cocky enough bastard to think I'm better for you than any guy out there. But a girl ... I can't even begin to compete ..."

I sighed. "Edward, it's not a competition. I did learn something from being with Claire. I'm bisexual. I'm attracted to men and to women. And I did need to know that about myself. That's the major reason I felt like I had to see things through with Claire. Male, female ... that's not what matters the most. It does give me a wider range of people to date, but what I really want is to be with someone I love and someone who loves me back. I want to be with _you_."

He nodded. "I know. And I'm really working at being okay with that. I just ... still have a little ways to go." He looked down at our hands.

I took a deep breath, unsure of how to say what I wanted. "I'm ... I'm over Claire."

He head whipped up and his eyes were hopeful. "You are?"

I nodded. "Yes. I miss her of course. I think I'll always miss her. I did care about her a lot. But all of a sudden, she became a lot less important when I thought I'd lost you. I was infatuated with her, but I never felt for her what I feel for you."

"Were you in love with her?"

I shook my head emphatically. "No. I think she and I could have had a very good relationship if the circumstances had been different. And I think I could have been eventually, but not yet. If nothing else we didn't know each other well enough yet."

He nodded. "I just wanted to know."

"I understand. I think there will always be a small part of me that is disappointed that we never had a chance. Even if you and I had never met, she would have left me for John. So, do I kind of wish that we'd had the opportunity to give the relationship a shot? Yes. But more than that, I miss her as a friend. My biggest regret is that I lost that with her. That we let our attraction to each other get in the way of a really good friendship."

Edward took a deep breath and I could see he was struggling with something. "I don't want you to misunderstand me, but there's one thing I need to know. Please try to understand what I'm asking, and that I'm not accusing you of anything."

"Alright." I looked at him, puzzled.

"If Claire showed up right now, and she was single, would you want to be with her?"

I sighed, I knew what he was asking, and while I didn't particularly like it, I understood why he felt like he had to know. "Only if you didn't exist, or didn't want to be with me. But I love you, Edward, more than I can begin to put into words. I want to be with you. Not Claire. I choose you."

"Thank you." He brushed his thumb across my cheek. "I needed to know."

"I know. Just swear to me that you trust me."

"I do." He sighed. "I just wish it had been you that night we met, that we could have skipped all of this."

I smiled sadly at him. "I do, too."

"Fuck, I really don't even know why I was with Rose. I think ... I thought it would be easy. She and I seemed so much alike. I thought we'd just have fun, but it got complicated fast. She claimed that she didn't want anything serious, but she kept pushing to get together. And the minute I pulled away, she got really clingy."

"The thing you have to understand about Rosalie is that despite her outer confidence she was actually very insecure. And her parents had a completely messed up relationship. They got divorced last summer. Right before everything happened with us. And when she and I talked when she came back from New York she admitted that it had been a lot of why she freaked out. I think under normal circumstances, you and Rosalie could have had fun. But it all came together at the wrong time."

He shrugged. "I don't really care either way. I just want you to understand how I felt about it at the time. I was so lost when I realized I was falling for you." He hesitated. "The girls I'd slept with before ... I don't want to say it was unemotional, because that's not entirely true. I didn't have one night stands, I didn't just screw them and run. They were friends, and we would get together when we were both available. But the need to be with them was just ... physical. There was nothing else." He paused again, "Does it bother you to hear this?"

I shook my head no. "I want to understand, Edward."

"Being with you was so different. I didn't just want you, I needed you. And that terrified me. I've never needed anyone before in my life. I'm not the same person I was a year ago Bella. Knowing you has changed me. You have absolutely no idea how confused I was. I'd never felt this way about anyone before. I was in love. I wanted to be in a relationship. And I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't say the damn words. Every time I opened my mouth to tell you, I froze. I said a thousand other things instead; I told you that you were beautiful, that I wanted to spend time with you, and that I loved what you did to me, but never that I loved you."

"We really messed this up, didn't we?" I said ruefully.

He nodded. "Yeah we did."

"So, I'm curious. You had feelings for me even before Rosalie's party?"

"Yes, I was already crazy about you. I couldn't look at you without wanting to touch you, to kiss you, to make you mine. Ugh. Then I was jealous of every person who looked twice at you. I hated the guy at the club, hell, I even hated Emmett."

"What?"

He sighed. "I know it was ridiculous. But you guys spent so much time together and it always seemed so easy for him to be around you. You hugged him all the time and you just seemed ... comfortable together."

I rolled my eyes. "That is ridiculous."

"I know that now. Do you want to know exactly when I realized I was interested in you, I mean, as more than a friend?"

"Sure." I was curious about what he'd say.

"That morning we went out for bagels."

"Hmm."

"Well, actually ... technically it was the night before."

"Explain."

"Well, I got up in the middle of the night to get something to drink from the kitchen and I passed your door, the one to the guest bedroom. And I heard you moan. Not just moan, but moan my name. God ... it was ... it was unbelievable. Then that morning you were in the kitchen when I got down there and I just wanted to kiss you. Then we went out for bagels and you were so amazing. Smart, funny, sarcastic, and just ... everything I wanted."

"I was dreaming about you that night. It's sort of hazy but I just remember my hands in your hair and the way it felt when you kissed me and ... and I kept trying to deny it for so long. I didn't want to be attracted to you. I didn't want to be jealous of Rosalie and ..." My voice trailed off. "We did everything in the wrong order, didn't we?"

"Yeah, we did. I can't believe I screwed this up so bad." He sighed.

"We both did," I admitted. "Although, probably me more than you. I'm not good at this either, and it's completely new to me. Add that on top of my confusion over Claire, and it was bound to be a mess. This," I motioned between the two of us, "the physical part was easy. But the emotional stuff ... I'm not good at it, Edward. I was too young when Renee left to see what my parents were like together. And Charlie is pretty reserved. I know that he loves me, but he doesn't say it often." He nodded, just listening to me, and I squeezed his hand to reassure him. "I have absolutely no idea how to be in a real relationship. My mom leaving messed me up more than I ever realized. I spent a lot of time thinking about it the last two months, and I'm starting to understand it better. And I had a really good conversation about it with Charlie that helped a lot."

"It's new to me too, but at least I was lucky enough to see what my parents are like together.

They have a great relationship, they've had a handful of fights, but I never doubted that they would make it work. I want us to have what they have."

"Can we do this?" I asked.

"Do you want to?"

"Yes, without a doubt."

"Then we'll figure it out. If you can be patient with me while I work out all of my insecurities ... I'll be patient while you learn to open up to me."

I nodded. "Ok."

"I may not know a lot about relationships, but I know how I feel about you. That seems like a

pretty good place to start."

"I do, too. I think we have some serious shit that we both have to work on ... but I'm willing to try, if you are."

He leaned over to kiss my forehead. "Thank god. I didn't know what I was going to do if you told me no."

"Collapsed outside my door?"

He looked chagrined. "Fuck, I was such an idiot that day I came back from Italy. I stormed out of your room yelling ultimatums and I couldn't even get a foot away from your door. I sat there for a couple of hours hoping that you'd come out and I could apologize and take it all back. Alice found me there eventually and dragged my ass to her room until Jasper could pick me up. I don't think I ate or slept for a couple of days."

"We're pathetic," I said. "I curled up on the floor of my room wishing you'd come back and apologize. It must have been after Alice took you to her room that she came back to mine. I slept on the floor and I didn't do anything for three days either. Rose and Alice had to force me to eat and shower. I was a wreck."

"We're a little overly melodramatic I think," Edward commented and I laughed. His face turned serious and I felt my heart flutter in my chest at the expression on his face. "I can't imagine my life without you though, Bella. We may have gone about this all wrong, but I love you more than I ever thought was possible."

I smiled and rested my head against his chest. "I love you, too, so much." It felt good to have everything out in the opened. I hadn't realized how difficult it had been to not tell him how I felt. I took a deep breath, finally relaxing. Our conversation had gone better than I'd expected. I hadn't been completely sure that we could work through our problems, but there was something to be said about being completely open and honest about everything. It was a huge relief after bottling everything up for so long. We still had a long way to go, but it was a really good start. We sat there quietly for a few minutes until I yawned. "I'm sorry but I'm exhausted."

He yawned too and smiled. "Me, too."

"Do you think we could wrap it up for tonight?" I asked.

"Are we good?" he asked.

"I think so. We both made mistakes, but I think we figured out what we need to do differently. And we know we want to be together."

He nodded. "Good. So are we together then?"

"I'd like to be," I said a little shyly.

"Me, too." He kissed me gently and then stood up. "I'll head out then. I'll call you in the morning."

"Do you have to go?" I asked.

"No. I just wasn't sure if you wanted me to stay or not."

"I do. We still have stuff to figure out, but we can do that tomorrow. I just want to fall asleep beside you tonight."

He pulled me off the couch and into a fierce hug. "I want that, too. I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too." I left the mess in the kitchen sink and turned out the lights in the apartment. "Come to bed with me."

"I like the sound of that." He smiled at me, and a glimmer of the old Edward was there. I couldn't help but smile back.

"Do you need to borrow a toothbrush and stuff?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind. I didn't exactly expect to stay tonight."

"What did you think would happen?" I rummaged around in the drawer and pulled one out for him. I brushed my teeth while he considered my question.

"I don't know. What I wanted was for you to throw yourself at me and beg me to take you back." I laughed. "And what I thought would happen was that you'd throw something at my head and tell me to get the hell out."

"I guess I'm full of surprises then," I said once I'd spit out the toothpaste.

"I guess so."

We finished getting ready for bed and went back into the bedroom. I stripped off my pajama pants and was struggling to get Edward's shirt over my head, when he stopped me.

"That's my sweatshirt," he said.

I looked at him, perplexed. "Yeah, I've been wearing it all night. You just noticed it now?"

I finally got it off me along with the camisole I had underneath.

"Yeah." He looked sheepish.

"I've been wearing it a lot lately. I needed to have something of yours with me. It kept me from losing my mind."

His hand cupped my cheek. "I'm sorry I put you through that." His voice broke.

I nodded, "I know. And you'll never know how sorry I am for hurting you. But I don't want you to beat yourself up over it. We need to move on and I forgive you."

"Yeah, we just can't fuck it up like that again," he said.

"I will do my best," I promised him and he relaxed.

"That's all I can ask."

We crawled into bed and he wrapped himself around me, his head on my chest.

"This is nice." He sighed and I ran my fingers through his hair. "I love you, Bella." His voice was raw and fervent.

"I love you, too." I paused for a moment, thinking. "When did you know?"

"That I loved you?" I nodded. "Thanksgiving," he answered promptly.

I looked at him, surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah, you kept questioning me; you didn't believe me when I said that I didn't care if we had a chance to have sex. I realized that all that really mattered was spending time with you. It didn't matter what we did, I just needed to be with you. But I couldn't tell you how I felt. I meant it though, when I told you I just wanted to be with you."

"I know you did. I just couldn't understand why."

"When I walked in the house and you were there in the kitchen ... it did something to me. For just a moment, it was our house and I was coming home to you. I told you that you looked sexy, but that wasn't even half of it." He brushed his fingers across my arm. "I don't know if I should say this ... but for a moment, I could see us in ten years, married."

"I've thought about I,t too," I said softly. "When you were visiting over break, the couple in the store."

He looked up at me and smiled. "I'd like to be them someday."

"I would, too." I stroked his hair, running my fingers through the wild strands and I felt his body start to relax, growing heavy with sleep.

"Can we stay like this forever?" he mumbled, already half-asleep. I kissed his forehead and closed my eyes.

"Yes," I whispered. Maybe it wouldn't quite be forever, but I wanted to be with him for as long as was humanly possible; a long and happy life together, that would be enough.

* * *

Amado mio

Love me forever

And let forever begin tonight

Amado mio

When we're together

I'm in a dream world

Of sweet delight

Many times, I've whispered

Amado mio

It was just a phrase

That I heard in plays

I was acting a part

But now when I whisper

Amado mio

Can't you tell I care

By the feeling there

'Cause it comes from my heart

I want you ever

I love my darling

Wanting to hold you

And hold you tight

Amado mio

Love me forever

And let forever

Begin tonight

Many times I've whispered

Amado mio

It was just a phrase

That I heard in plays

I was acting a part

But now when I whisper

Amado mio

Can't you tell I care

By the feeling there

'Cause it comes from my heart

I want you ever

I love my darling

Wanting to hold you

And hold you tight

Amado mio

Love me forever

And let forever

Begin tonight

And let forever

Begin tonight

And let forever

Begin tonight

-"Amado Mio" by Pink Martini

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. That was the last actual chapter. The next will be Edward's POV, with him thinking back about their relationship and covering the morning after their talk. Don't worry, there will definitely be a lemony reunion scene in there!
> 
> There will be several outtakes from Edward's POV, one from Rosalie's and one from Claire's! So, we're definitely not done with them yet, but this was where I wanted the story itself to end.
> 
> There will also be a two part epilogue at the very end.
> 
> Of course, I want to hear your thoughts on the entire story!
> 
> And more specifically ...
> 
> -What did you think of their reunion?
> 
> -Do they have a good basis for a long happy relationship?
> 
> -Did Bella grow up a bit and redeem herself?


	51. Let's Never Stop Falling in Love (Edward's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is from Edward's POV and will give you a brief overview of his thoughts since he and Bella met, and the morning after their reunion.

**Chapter 51: Let's Never Stop Falling in Love (Edward's POV)**

I wish a falling star could fall forever

And sparkle through the clouds and stormy weather

And in the darkness of the night

The star would shine a glimmering light

And hover above our love

Please hold me close and whisper that you love me

And promise that your dreams are only of me

When you are near, everything's clear

Earth is a beautiful heaven

Always I hope that we follow the star

And be forever floating above

I know a falling star can't fall forever

But let's never stop falling in love

When you are near, everything's clear

Earth is a beautiful heaven

Always I hope that we shine like the star

And be forever floating above

I know a falling star can't fall forever

And let's never stop falling in love

No let's never stop falling in love

-"Let's Never Stop Falling in Love" by Pink Martini

* * *

I awoke slowly, unhurriedly. The bed was soft and warm and Bella was tucked up against my side, her breathing slow and even. Her lips were curved into a small smile and her fingers were intertwined with mine, even in sleep.

The tight aching panic of the last seven months was finally gone. I'd started to panic the moment I got on the plane to leave for Italy and for the first time since then, I could breathe. She was right beside me, unwilling to move away even in sleep. Her dark hair tumbled over her pale skin and it curled softly around her face. _She's so beautiful_ , I thought, in awe that we were actually together, finally.

She was right, we both fucked things up, and I was so frustrated with myself for my part in it. I left, not telling her I loved her, not once, but twice. And then, I pushed her away. I couldn't blame her for her feelings for Claire, and a small part of me was relieved that she has been with at least one other person. As much as I wanted to claim her as mine and only mine, the fact that she was with someone else and came back to me was somehow reassuring. It was ridiculous of course, and in the future, I needed to learn to trust her, trust that she loves me back.

The sun spilled in through the windows, and I vaguely wondered how late it was. I refused to glance at the clock; I didn't want to let the outside world intrude on us. I looked down at her, memorizing her features. I was overwhelmed by how much I loved her. What we had together was so different, so fleeting feeling. I was so afraid that it wouldn't last or that she'd realize she wanted something different, someone better. I lay so many nights awake, staring at my ceiling blankly. Mentally rewinding the clock to bring us back to the night we met. The three of them were so beautiful when they walked into the room backstage after our show. Rosalie had caught my attention first; unsurprising considering her looks, but it was Bella that slipped into my awareness without me even realizing it.

The night I heard her moaning my name in her sleep, before I'd even so much as touched her had thrown me completely. I came downstairs the next morning to see her curled up in the kitchen and I couldn't help myself, I had to talk to her.

I sat across from her at the table in the bagel shop. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and her eyes were lit up as she spoke animatedly to me. I watched her graceful fingers fidget with the salt and pepper shakers and wondered if she was nervous. And why on earth she would be. We were just two friends talking, right? Except, I wasn't so sure we were. I hadn't really thought twice about her until I heard her moan my name, but after, I couldn't stop thinking about her in that way. She brushed her dark hair away from her cheek and I wondered when I started liking brunettes so much. I hadn't really had much of a preference before, I'd been equally attracted to just about any pretty girl with the right personality. But all of a sudden, the glossy dark curls seemed so much more appealing. I had the overwhelming urge to reach out and see if the pale smooth skin on her collarbone was as soft as it looked.

I'd apologized to her for being stand-offish and I meant it, I hadn't been trying to snub her, I was just so busy with classes and tutoring that I hardly had time to myself anymore. And Rose was around all the damned time. I couldn't complain about the frequency of the sex. Or the quality, she was an enthusiastic lover, but I just wasn't really feeling it anymore. I'd kind of been a dick to Rose, too. Snapping at her because I just wanted some space, but that only served to make her more persistent. Frankly, we'd begun grating on each other's nerves for a while and I wondered if it was worth it to keep our arrangement going. I'd almost completely ignored Bella, however unintentionally, and I felt bad. I had to laugh when she called me a jerk, she was right, I had been, and I loved that she wasn't afraid to call me on it.

Something finally clicked in my head when we were talking about Forks and I blanched when I realized that her father was Chief Swan. Here I was thinking dirty thoughts about his daughter, he'd probably shoot me. I had always found him somewhat intimidating, but now, especially so. She laughed it off but she had no idea what was going through my head at the moment. I kept picturing Bella in my bed, soft and warm and begging me for more. I'd nearly groaned at the way that thought made my body react and I was grateful when they told us our order was ready.

She was so apologetic about her clumsiness but she had no reason to be. Frankly, I couldn't have hoped for a better opportunity to touch her than when she slipped on the ice. I had barely managed to stop myself from kissing her when she was cradled in my arms, her eyes closed, and her body soft and warm against mine. We'd joked and flirted on the walk home and when we parted at the doorway, I realized I didn't want to stop talking to her.

I couldn't stop thinking about her either and I knew I was being a bastard to Rosalie, but I couldn't stop myself. I kept noticing how smart and funny Bella was and when she surprised me out on the deck after a party and we started talking music, I was floored. She was so into it, more so than some of the music majors I knew in school. She knew opera. What high school student knew opera? She wasn't an aficionado, but she was curious and eager to learn and I found that incredible appealing.

There was something there, an attraction beyond just the physical. There was a mental connection we had that surprised the hell out of me. Once again, I had the overwhelming urge to kiss her. I knew I shouldn't, I wasn't technically limited by the rules Rose and I had agreed to, but I kind of felt like an ass being interested in her friend while we were still lovers. I knew I looked guilty as hell when Rose interrupted us and staked her claim on me. It irritated me and I pushed her off. But Bella was gone by then and Rose and I finished the evening in chilly silence.

When I watched Bella grind against the jackass in the club and I had to restrain myself from yanking her away from him and into my arms, I knew I was in big trouble. I still have no idea how the hell I managed to finish the first set without totally fucking up the songs, but I managed. And when I saw them kiss I nearly lost it. Emmett cornered me after and told me to get my shit together. Thankfully, he was the only one who noticed. He was pissed too, but it was at me.

"What the fuck, Edward?" he snarled at me.

We were in the back hallway by the bathrooms behind the stage and I sighed, before leaning my head against the wall, closing my eyes to try to calm myself down.

"I don't know. I think I'm losing my mind."

"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad as hell you're into Bella all of a sudden, but what the fuck dude? At least have the decency to end it with Rose."

"I know Emmett. Trust me, I know." I opened my eyes and looked at him and he frowned at me.

"You better get your shit together and fast. I'm going to go try to talk Bella out of lover boy's arms, but you need to wrap shit up with Rose. And then make a damn move."

"This is all you being completely selfless, right, Em?"

"Fuck no. It's me angling to get your girl. I want Rosie so bad my teeth ache but I won't let you hurt her in the process."

I laughed, Emmett was always so damn honest, I loved that about him. "Fair enough."

We did manage to scare the guy off and I felt better; Although, I knew Bella was pissed. It was such a shitty move. But when she started dancing with Rose, my brain stopped functioning. I performed on autopilot, watching them sway and dip and grind together. I was such a jackass for fantasizing but there was no way I could keep my mind from imagining them in my bed, Rose kissing Bella while I worshiped both of them. It was too easy to get lost in a vision of it, and, too easy to let Rose slip out of the picture and fade away until it was just Bella in my bed. I wondered if she'd be shy or fierce. I recognized even then that I was venturing into dangerous territory and I stayed with Rose far longer than I really wanted to, just to keep myself from going after Bella.

I fought with myself even once Rose and I were over. Sometimes I'd catch Bella looking at me, and for a moment, I'd be sure the feelings were mutual. But then, she'd turn away and I'd wonder if she even liked me at all. I finally reached the breaking point the night of the graduation party. She sat there in the firelight, nervous and uncomfortable, and more beautiful than I'd ever seen her. And when we lay on the floor in the dark, I couldn't help but reach out to touch the soft skin I'd been aching to feel. She'd purred and melted into me, despite her nerves, and I was gone, lost in her scent and her touch and her breathy moans. I should have slowed down, should have realized what a bad idea it was, but all I could think about was her. Her taste, her smell, the sounds she would make when I was inside her. She wasn't shy, maybe a little hesitant, but not shy. I was staggered by the way she responded and her eagerness. Before she left the guest bedroom, I almost asked for her number, so I could ask her out on a date, but I chickened out. I'd never actually asked a girl on a date before, just to fuck. Not coldly, or callously, but I'd never really had to put myself out there and risk rejection.

I was so pissed when Bella told me that she'd been a virgin, partly at her, but mostly at myself. Because I should have known, or asked, or something, but instead I took what I wanted. She was sweet to reassure me, but I felt like a jackass. Her first time in some room at a party, that was hardly ideal, but she swore it didn't matter. I told her she was amazing, but it didn't even begin to cover it.

Sometimes I think that was maybe for the best that we didn't try to start dating then. Things were complicated enough when Rosalie flipped out at Bella. I'd shouted at Rosalie until I was blue in the face that she just fucking needed to talk to Bella but she wouldn't listen. She left Bella in Forks to run away to New York and broke her heart. I wanted nothing more than to hold Bella and make her feel better.

I was so shocked when she wanted to have sex again. I was hesitant at first, but I couldn't say no. Even then I knew I was going against everything I normally did. I should have been the one to lay down some rules but I never did. Too afraid I'd scare her off, or maybe too hopeful that it would be more than just sex. And it was, so much more. I hated that she never believed it, that she doubted my interest. But it wasn't her fault, I'd never managed to find the right words to tell her what I wanted.

She continually astonished me. She was entirely different from any girl I had ever met before. And I was different. I'd never been very good at relaxing. Exams and deadlines sent my blood pressure through the roof and I was pretty sure I'd have an ulcer before thirty. I knew I was a little tightly wound. It had served me well; I'd always been successful at school and I knew it wasn't exactly healthy, but nothing had worked. But when Bella and I were together my stress dissipated. I was still aware of deadlines and my grades didn't suffer, but I didn't spend my off time worrying anymore. Everything but Bella faded away and I threw myself into pleasing her. She was the most laid-back girl I'd ever been with and although at first I'd held my breath, waiting for her to act like every other girl I'd ever met, it never happened. Things that would have had Rosalie snapping at me Bella just rolled her eyes at. I did something she didn't like and she told me, and moved on. It was a novel experience.

It had been easy to compartmentalize things before. I had school, my friends, and family, and they had nothing to do with the girls I slept with. But I found myself thinking about Bella in class, skipping a tutoring session to lie around in bed with her, wanting to spend more time with her. _I_ became the needy one. There was never enough time to be with her, no matter how many times I came, it wasn't enough. Sex had always been a stress release for me, but I was startled to realize that it wasn't the sex, it was her. Even if we did nothing but talk, I felt better. I'd never invested so much time in someone, or, to be perfectly honest, wanted to spend that much time with them. I didn't roll out bed the moment I came and say 'see ya later' to the girls I'd slept with like before. But my time was always clearly delineated between sex and the rest of my life. But time with Bella bled into every aspect of my life. I wanted her in my bed at night, in my shower in the morning, in my kitchen drinking coffee for breakfast.

I'd been so worried at the Halloween party when I'd run into Jennie. I'd hardly recognized her at first. I'd met her in one of my undergrad math classes, and while not an honor student, she'd been pretty smart, and at the time I'd thought we'd had a lot in common. She looked nothing like she had when we were together and I'd wondered what happened to the willowy girl with long, light brown hair and glasses. She was now indistinguishable from every other vapid sorority girl out there and it made me sad. Jennie had been the second girl I'd ever slept with, and had gotten really clingy. Frankly, she was the main reason I'd been very careful to set boundaries with the girls I slept with after that. In fact, after I'd ended things with her, she had done her best to screw things up with Anna, the next girl I was with, although I'd managed to salvage things.

Thankfully, Anna had been one of the more laid-back ones, and I'd been disappointed when she met someone else. I was happy for her, but it had taken a long time to find someone else I was interested in. I'd never loved Anna, but I respected her and I was glad we'd managed to stay in contact.

Bella had taken Jennie's nasty little comments in stride and I'd been shocked at how cavalier she was about it. I was grateful when I realized it was Rosalie that had upset her, not my ex lover. But I had a brief moment where I wondered if Bella was too cavalier about what we had. Did she really not care at all?

Days passed into weeks, weeks into months, and I felt myself slipping deeper and deeper into something. I still wasn't sure what exactly, but I knew I was scared. It was too much with her, too easy, too perfect. And when I did try to hint at wanting something more- she brushed me off or laughed. She acted like what we had was no big deal and I grew sick to my stomach thinking about her indifference. Didn't she see that I was falling for her? Didn't she know that I'd never felt like that before? Couldn't she see that I wanted her in my arms, my bed, and my life, that any time away from her was too much, that I was going out of my mind trying to show her how I felt when I couldn't say it?

Thanksgiving was the turning point for me. I walked in her house and all I could see was a future with Bella. My mother had been right when she told me I was just like my father. Apparently, he had been a bit of a ladies' man in college but had fallen completely head over heels when he met her. She'd been warning me for years that when I felt it, I wouldn't know what hit me, and damn if she wasn't right. Yet, Bella still questioned if I just wanted her for sex. I loved that she wasn't clingy and needy, but damn, a little bit of need would have been reassuring. Instead, I questioned everything she said and wondered where she stood. She was impossible to read, although that I night I caught a glimpse of something that made me hopeful. I hated to leave her that night, but eventually I went back to my parents' house, keyed up, confused, and had a surprisingly illuminating conversation with my mother.

"Are you alright, Edward?" she asked softly when she found me pacing in the kitchen.

"No. I don't know, maybe?"

"Is it Bella?"

"Fuck. Yeah, I'm ..."

She smiled. "You're in love with her?"

"I ... I think so."

"Want to talk about it?"

I sighed and sat down at the table and she took a seat across from me. "I just don't know what to do."

"Is it your feelings or hers you're confused about?"

"Both? Mostly hers though, I think."

"She's young, Edward, and if this is her first ... uh, relationship ..." she said delicately. I had told her about Bella several weeks before and briefly told her about what had happened between us. She knew the basics of our arrangement, but she hadn't lectured me, which I appreciated. "If this is her first relationship, she's probably just scared. I know I wasn't ready for a serious relationship when I met your father and I was twenty-three."

"Really?"

She laughed. "Really. I told him to come back in five years and we'd talk. I was dating other people at the time, just casually, and had no interest in settling down. But he won me over eventually."

"How did he do it?" I asked curiously. I'd never heard this version of my parent's story.

"Persistence."

"Hmm."

"Don't push too much, though."

"So blurting out that I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her is probably not the best way to go about it?"

"Probably not. You should tell her you have feelings for her, but telling her about your plans for the next fifty years of your life might be a little overwhelming."

"I just don't know what to do next."

"I'm assuming you two haven't ever gone on an actual date, right?"

"Yeah," I muttered, slightly ashamed.

"Take her out to a nice dinner, but don't make a big deal about it. It doesn't have to be an elaborate production. And get her something for Christmas, something personal, and sentimental, but not too over the top."

"Thanks, Mom."

"I can't wait to meet her."

"You'll like her." I smiled, imagining the two of them in the kitchen, laughing together.

"Of course I will. Anyone who manages to get under your skin has to be incredible." She cupped my cheek in her hand and I looked into laughing green eyes, so like my own.

"Thanks."

"Anytime. You can always come to me, you know that."

"I know, Mom. I'm just scared."

"That's normal," she said softly. "But it'll be worth it. I promise."

Our date in Port Angeles was simultaneously the most wonderful and frustrating night of my life. Every time I opened my mouth to tell her I wanted to date, something went wrong. If it wasn't the waitress interrupting, it was Jacob. I wanted to strangle them both. I was relieved to see finally Bella acting a little bit jealous and it was enough to make me hope for more. I think of any night we had together, I would remember the night in front of the fireplace until the day I died. She was stunning, every inch of her bare and soft in the flickering light and I tried to show her what she meant to me. How important she was, how much I'd miss her when I was gone.

But the words didn't follow and all I had was my body. She was always impatient, needing more, faster, harder. But that night she slowed for me, took things at my pace and it was incredible. The music soared and her body responded to mine. When we curled up together after the rest of the world fell away and there was just the warm, soft woman in my arms. I loved her and I loathed myself for not being able to tell her that. I didn't want to push her, but I wanted something, some proof that she wasn't indifferent to the idea of a relationship with me.

The trip to Italy was the worst decision I made. I knew it was a mistake once I realized I was in love with Bella, but by then it was too late. I was terrified when Rosalie came back and completely shocked when I saw how much she'd changed. I was grateful that she mended things will Bella but it left me stunned when I realized she saw through my bullshit, right into how deep my feelings were for Bella. I was surprised to realize that of all people Rosalie actually could be an ally in getting the two of us together. Although to this day I'm fairly sure she deliberately encouraged Bella to try to make me jealous over Claire. Not to be vicious or manipulative but because she knew me well enough to know it would push my buttons and get me to make a move. It drove me crazy, knowing that all of our friends could see what was happening between Bella and I and she remained so oblivious.

Leaving her at New Year's had been excruciating and although I hated to leave her, I had no other choice. Even before I realized that she was developing an interest in Claire, I felt her slipping away from me. There was something different in the way we communicated and I wondered if it was all of the unspoken feelings between us. It was odd; we had been so good at communicating initially. We talked about everything. But I started to realize that for all of the openness at the beginning of our relationship, we now hardly spoke about anything important.

How could I talk to her about my life when I had to bottle up the words I so desperately wanted to say to her? I spent a lot of time wandering the city alone. I felt like a shadow floating around the city. Italy was a loud, vibrant, passionate city. It didn't suit my melancholy. But I found small measures of peace there, especially at night. I took to walking to the Ponte Sant'Angelo and stare out over the water. It was a pedestrian footbridge from the Roman Empire that spanned the river, near the Castel Sant'Angelo. It was beautiful in the dark, and I spent hours staring out at the black water, the lights of the city glittering on it. For some reason it felt like a link to her, and I found solace there. Every night when I went back to my small apartment and crawled into my lonely narrow bed, I would pull her sweatshirt out from beneath my pillow. I often woke up in the mornings with it tucked under my arm, as if I would have held her. It was a poor substitute, but her scent made me dream of her and in the mornings, I was often reluctant to get out of bed.

I would have been more hurt but less terrified if she had fallen for a guy. But I heard how infatuated she was with Claire. There was something different about the way she said her name, about the way she described what they did together. Bella had worried that I would meet someone else in Italy, but it never crossed my mind. I supposed it did obliquely, I knew there were several girls in my program who were interested in me. And a few of the Italian students we took classes with. But no matter how many other girls slyly or blatantly hinted at their interest in me, they weren't Bella.

I'd been grateful to Alice for helping me surprise Bella at spring break, but I was half terrified that Bella would either be upset by it, or uninterested in seeing me. Intellectually at least, I knew that part of the reason I came back was to distract her from Claire, which was shitty, even if it worked.

I had come home with the intention of telling her I loved her, and asking her if she wanted a relationship. But I saw the way she reacted to Claire, saw the look in her eyes, heard the way she spoke about her, and knew I couldn't go through with it. I wanted to. I wanted to be selfish and stake my claim on her, tie her down, make sure she'd never touch another person like she touched me. But that wasn't healthy at all. And it was a terrible way to start a relationship. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but the idea of forcing her into something she wasn't entirely ready for was nauseating to me. And it was partially for my own self-preservation. I knew I ran the risk of losing her. She could fall in love with Claire and leave me. But it was better than her leaving me in five years, or ten, when I'd never recover. The thought of my life without her was excruciating. So I took a step back. No doubt, I should have told her how I felt about her and what I wanted. I tried, but I wasn't sure how much she understood, and of the multitude of mistakes in my life, it was near the top. I hoped that her pursuit of Claire would be a brief fling, and then when I was home in May I'd tell her I loved her and that I couldn't live without her in my life. We'd move on, and Claire would be nothing but a distant memory.

I couldn't have been more wrong. I'd been so angry the night she called to tell me she and Claire had slept together, and that they were starting something. I didn't blame her, Claire was beautiful, and interested, and right there next door. I was halfway across the world. I blamed myself for not telling her I loved her, for not begging her to be my girlfriend. I was the one who told her to explore it; I told her I was all right with it. A small part of me was aroused by the idea of the two of them together of course. But for the most part it just made me anxious. So instead of confessing my feelings to her and begging her to be my girlfriend I told her to figure out what she wanted with Claire. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done, but when I saw the relief in her eyes I knew it had been the right decision.

I was afraid that Bella would break things off with me, tell me she and Claire were dating and that would be the end of us. I was even more afraid that I wouldn't even have the chance to say goodbye to her in person. She asked me if I wanted to end things because of it, but I couldn't. The only thing worse than Bella being with someone else, was being without Bella entirely.

And it was no better when I came home in May. Although things had ended between them, Bella wasn't over her. Not by a long shot. And all of a sudden I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't touch Bella knowing she was thinking of someone else. I couldn't start a relationship when I knew she was so emotionally overwhelmed she was falling apart. I told her I loved her and when I heard the words, she said back I nearly cried I was so happy. I wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and promise to love her forever.

Instead, I fucked up so bad I wasn't sure there was any way of repairing it. At the time, it made so much sense. We'd already been apart for months, what was two more? We'd take a little time, she would get over Claire, see some other people, and then come running back to me ready for a relationship. But I saw her face the moment the words came out of my mouth and I desperately wanted to take them back. I had fucked up. Big time.

I said horrible things to her, and I hated myself, but it was too late to take them back. The look in her face was a terrible punishment; it hurt me, realizing how much my words hurt her. At that point, the damage had been done, and even though it killed me, I walked out her door. Without her, I wanted to die.

I went to my parents' house for a little while. I needed some time to think and a chance to talk to my mom. We sat down in the kitchen again, and over homemade soup and bread I told her about the fight with Bella.

She had sighed at me and rolled her eyes. "Edward..."

"I know, Mom."

"If nothing else, you need to learn that you can't give people ultimatums. It never works out the way you want it to. If you had sat down and suggested it politely and had a rational adult discussion with her about it and she'd agreed it was a good idea, which would be one thing, but ..."

"But I yelled at her and ordered her to date other people."

"Edward, I know we raised you better than that."

"Yeah, you did."

I spilled out the whole story, including her interest in Claire and prayed that if Bella did forgive me, she wouldn't be pissed that I'd outed her to my mom. My mom didn't care, but I knew Bella well enough to know she'd be embarrassed.

"Oh, Edward." She looked at me sympathetically. "You need to grow the fuck up."

"What?" I stared at her in astonishment.

"This insecurity is childish. If Bella chooses to be with you, you need to get over the idea that you can't measure up to another woman. It doesn't matter. If she loves you and wants to be in a relationship, you have to trust her. You have to trust that she isn't going to cheat on you with anyone else, male or female."

"I just wonder ... is it really enough? I mean, in twenty years is she going to think, 'I love Edward, but I really miss being with a girl?"

"She might." I winced. "Look, I'm not going to lie to you. Everyone is tempted. Don't think I don't occasionally see an attractive guy at the store and wonder what he's like in bed or if it wouldn't be thrilling to run off to Paris with him. But I love your father, and no fling could ever, ever be as fulfilling as what we have. I make no promises if George Clooney comes and sweeps me off my feet, but otherwise I am committed to Carlisle. If you and Bella are just as committed it makes no difference who she's interested in, she won't leave you."

"Except for Johnny Depp," I managed to joke, although I still felt hollow inside.

She smiled faintly. "Well, that's understandable. Clearly Bella has good taste." She leveled a look at me. "But if you don't start treating her better I'm going to hand deliver him to her."

I rolled my eyes at my mom, but I finally cracked a smile. And I thought about what she said. I did need to learn to trust Bella. It was scary, and a little exhilarating at the same time. I drove back to the house in Port Angeles, feeling like things were finally starting to make a little more sense. All I could do was pray that she would forgive me for my stupidity. I was barely in the door before Jasper accosted me. He shoved me hard in the chest and I staggered back against the front door.

"You're a dumb shit, you know that, Edward?"

"Excuse me?" I looked at Jasper in surprise. He hardly ever got worked up about anything, and it was exceptionally rare to hear him swear.

"I said, 'you're a dumb shit'."

"I heard what you said, I want to know why."

"Because Bella was sitting outside of the damn house crying last night."

"What?"

"Yeah, she was lonely and missed you and drove all the fucking way out here to be near you. She was a wreck Edward; I had to fucking drive her home to Seattle last night. She was sitting alone on a fucking bus stop bench at some ungodly hour of the night in the goddamn rain just to be near you. If you don't pull your head out of your ass soon I am going to beat the ever loving shit out of you."

I stared at him in astonishment before sitting heavily on the sofa and resting my head in my hands. "I deserve it."

"I didn't tell Emmett or Rose or Alice, but I am going to sick them all on you if you don't figure this out."

"Oh fuck." I sighed. "Yeah, I deserve that." Emmett really would beat the hell out of me, and despite Jasper's usually mellow personality, he wasn't someone you wanted to anger, especially when it came to someone he cared about. And frankly I was terrified of Rosalie. She'd been glaring at me every time she came over since my fight with Bella. And worst of all, Alice kept giving me sad and disappointed looks that made me feel incredibly guilty.

"I fucked up, Jasper."

"Yeah, you really did. And she's paying for it and blaming herself."

"Fuck."

"Fix it, Edward."

"I don't know how," I said hollowly. "I told her to date other people."

"Jesus Christ, Edward! She's nineteen. She fucked up. That's kind of to be expected at that age. Lord knows I made some shitty, hurtful decisions in my relationships when I was nineteen. But you're about to turn twenty five, you should have fucking known better. I'm not saying that she didn't fuck up or that she didn't hurt you, but you really put the nail in the coffin. Are you out of your goddamn mind, man? What the hell are you going to do if she meets someone else?"

I shuddered, knowing it was a very real possibility. "I don't know," I said brokenly. "It made sense in my head at the time."

"Jesus. You'd deserve it if she left you, you know that right?"

"I know."

"Well, figure out what you want to say in apology, because that girl doesn't deserve to be treated like that."

"I know."

"I don't give a shit if you were hurt by her being with Claire. It doesn't fucking justify you acting like an ass. You don't have the right to be jealous of anyone else she's with. If you wanted to be with her, you should have fucking told her."

"I know, Jasper."

"Well. Fix it you shithead. Find a way to make it right. There are only two choices man, you fix it, or you lose her."

After Jasper's lecture, I did spend a lot of time thinking about what I'd done. As mature and sure of herself that Bella was, she was awfully young. Other than Claire, I was the only lover she'd ever had. I may not have dated, but at least I'd had more experience with other people. I'd dealt with Jennie getting too attached. I'd learned to communicate my expectation to another person. Although, I'd done a miserable job of that with Bella. I knew how easy it is for one person to get more emotionally involved. I'd never been the one to develop deeper feelings for the person I was sleeping with and this was all completely foreign to me. But it was even more foreign to Bella. Even now that we've talked through some of our issues I want to shake myself for going about it all so wrong. I had a responsibility to her to as her first lover, and I blew it. I never lied to her, but I wasn't honest with her either. I was selfish, and it hurt both of us.

Having Bella in my arms and knowing that she loves me was a thousand times better than I ever hoped for. She's mine. And I'm hers. And there was nothing in the world that I wanted more. I stroked her cheek and she murmured softly in her sleep, sighing and pressing back against me. Her ass nestled against my cock and despite the fact that I was almost frantic with desire for her, a part of me wanted nothing more than to just hold her. I groaned when I realized how long it had been. Last night sex hadn't been a priority, I just needed to be beside her. But now the pent up frustration crashed into me I was left gasping with need. It was probably the hardest I'd ever been in my life.

She shifted again, starting to wake up and her back arched as she stretched, yawning. I'd never noticed before how delicate she was, her wrists were so thin, although thankfully she still looked healthy. I knew I didn't. Emmett spent the last two months attempting to force-feed me. I'd choked down as much Chinese take-out and Hot Pockets as I could manage, but it wasn't enough. I'd probably lost at least twenty pounds and on my already lean frame, it showed. I knew I looked like shit, but I was glad to see that although Bella looked tired, she didn't look like she'd been neglecting to take care of herself. I knew part of that was probably thanks to Alice and Rose, and I'm grateful to them for taking care of her. She yawned and opened her eyes and the first thing she did was turn and look at me, and I couldn't help but smile at her. She turned over so she was on her back and I traced my finger across her lips. So beautiful. I hoped she knew that. I knew she had some insecurities that I would find someone else more attractive, and I made it my goal to make sure those disappeared. I never wanted her to question my desire for her. She needed to be sure that my adoration was absolute. No one will ever compare.

"Morning, Beautiful," I whispered.

"Morning yourself." She smoothed a hand over my hair and her eyes were bright and happy looking. The dark circles under her eyes had faded some, and the corners of her lips were turned up in a smile. Her voice was a little raspy from sleep and my cock twitched against her thigh. Her smile grew and she stretched, letting the sheet fall below her breasts. They were perfect.

If I could spend the rest of my life worshiping them, it wouldn't be enough. My hand moved from her face to touch them. I memorized them, the way the soft, pink tips crinkled and tightened under my fingers. The goose bumps that appeared on her pale, soft skin, the rosy flush that started to cover her chest as her arousal grew. She shifted against me and let out a soft, breathy gasp when I lowered my head to taste her. Perfect.

"I love you," I whispered. My tongue traced around the nipple and then slowly sucked at it. Her back arched and I could feel her hips start to rock a little.

"I love you, too, Edward," she gasped, her fingers going to my hip, the nails digging into my skin just a little. I lifted my head and she whimpered. "Please don't stop. I need this."

"I know." I looked into her eyes and I could see the faint trace of fear in her eyes. She was still afraid we wouldn't be able to make this work and that I would disappear on her. I refused to reassure her with sex, at least not until I reassured her with words. We had to stop using sex to communicate. We needed to do this right.

"I'm not going to leave you," I said quietly. She looked surprised, probably wondering how I knew what she was thinking. But I knew her, every inch of her inside and out. "I love you, and I'm not going anywhere."

She stared into my eyes and then nodded. "I'm not going anywhere either. I want this to work."

"Good." I dropped my head to kiss her lips. Now that we'd at least talked about it I felt like I could touch her. "Now I'm going to make love to you."

She shivered and I finally realized how important the distinction was. I was in love with her. It echoed in my head, a reminder of how close I came to losing her. I slid closer until my body was flush against her side and kissed her properly. It was achingly slow and tender. _She's mine_ , I thought, _and I'm hers_. My lips trailed to her jaw and down her neck, stopping to lap at the ticklish spot along the side, and then back behind her ear where I knew it turned her on. I was rewarded with a gasp that dissolved into a moan. My lips moved to her breasts again, teasing them until she squirmed under me and begged for more. Always impatient.

"Please, Edward. Touch me."

I moved my hand down her thigh to her knee and behind, to pull her leg up and over mine. She was open to me and my hand slid down her soft skin. She was hot and wet for me and I smiled, loving that it hadn't changed. Her hips moved, to wordlessly encourage my touch and I grazed across her skin, eager to explore her. She was just as satiny and sensitive as ever. I took my time, circling her clit, teasing between the lips, delving inside. She responded with breathy moans and sexy little purrs and I could feel my cock throb against her. I wanted to draw it out, but I didn't know much longer I could manage.

"I need to be inside you," I whispered and she eagerly moved, parting her legs further and turning as I moved on top of her. I wanted to look in her eyes and tell her I loved her as she fell apart. I rubbed lightly against her and her eyes fluttered closed with pleasure. I moved into her agonizingly slowly, both wanting to prolong the feeling and because she was so tight.

Enveloped in her wet heat just a few inches and I could feel myself start to shake. No one else had ever come close to making me feel like that. A small part of me was pleased to know she'd never compare me to another man. I was a bastard for even caring, but I couldn't help it. I kissed her in apology and her tongue brushed against mine, wiping all coherent thought from my head as she took me in deeper. Perfect. When I was buried all the way in, I stopped, reveling in the feeling of her walls gripping me.

"I love you," she gasped and wound her legs around my hips, her arms going around my neck as I buried my face in her neck, breathing in the warm strawberry smell of hers I missed so much. It wasn't that fake flowery, fruity smell most perfumes had, but the scent of ripe, sweet, sun-warmed fresh strawberries. It had taken three weeks of eating no other flavor of gelato before I realized that it was her scent I craved, my beautiful, delicious Bella. I hated Italy, it was everything I'd ever dreamed about, but it didn't feel right because she wasn't there. I want to take her with me to Rome someday, maybe as a graduation gift in a few years when she was done with school. We can make better memories there; spend our days eating and making love. I slowly drew out from her and slid back in. Her answering sigh was so familiar it made me ache. I could feel unshed tears at the back of my eyes and in my throat, overwhelmed by my feelings for her.

I rocked in and out of her, enjoying the way her body gripped me as I slid out and the way it enveloped me when I pushed back in. I kept up the agonizingly slow pace as long as I could, but I could feel her breathing speed up and her body start to shiver under mine.

"Edward please," she begged and the sound of my name on her lips set me on fire. I gasped and pulled back; slamming into her until I was sure, I had never been that deep before. She shuddered around me, her orgasm forcing my own as her inner walls clamped down on my cock, milking my release from me and I cried out in pleasure. I felt like this is almost a sacrament, a promise to her. I collapsed beside her, pulling her with me so my weight was resting on the bed but our bodies were still intertwined.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," I whispered hoarsely.

"I love you, too." Her voice was soft and so full of tenderness. I pulled away just far enough to see her eyes and they were brimming with tears. I brushed my thumb under her eye, wiping away the tears that had spilled onto her cheeks. I frowned, worried that I hurt her, or that she was still upset.

"Shh," she soothed me. "Happy tears."

"Good. I don't ever want to make you cry again."

"I know." She didn't pretend like it would never happen, but I think she did know that I'd try my damnedest. She drew me close and I nuzzled into her neck. We lay like that for a long time; breathing in each other's scent, enjoying the feel of skin against skin. When she finally stirred, I held her tight.

"Where do think you're going?" My voice was muffled.

"We should get up."

"No," I murmured into her hair, "I'm going to do what I should have done the first time, we are never going outside. We're moving into this bed and never leaving. Ever."

She laughed and it was so good to hear her sound happy and lighthearted again. "Well, if you insist." She grinned and kissed me lightly.

"I do. It's an order," I teased her and was rewarded with a brilliant smile. I loved this, our lighthearted teasing banter. It had been so long. All those wasted months. But I won't think of them, I want to focus on the fact that she's here, right now with me.

"You know how I like your orders." She grinned at me.

We pretty much stayed in bed the rest of the day. Kissing, talking, and making love. When we finally ventured out of her room it was dark out. We were both starving. The apartment was quiet and there was a note on the whiteboard from Alice. It was simple.

'I'm so happy for both of you. Enjoy the weekend together. I'll be with Jasper.'

It was her gift to us, this privacy. In pajamas, we lounged on the couch eating terrible frozen pizza and watching a movie. It was perfect and I never wanted to leave.

We had a lot we still needed to do, issues that had to be discussed, hurts aired, forgiveness to ask for and grant. The messy part of the relationship was about to begin, But I had never been more eager to get started. We'd have an idyllic weekend reconnecting and then begin the rest of our lives. Because if there was one thing I was sure of, I'd never take what I had with Bella for granted again. I would do whatever it took to make sure we stayed together. She was it for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Did you like hearing from Edward?
> 
> -Was their reunion what you hoped for?
> 
> -Isn't Esme awesome?


	52. Outtake: Burnin' for You (Edward's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you've all been waiting for this one for a while. Here's Edward's POV of Rosalie's graduation party. Enjoy

**Outtake: Burnin' for You (Edward's POV)**

Burn out the day

Burn out the night

I can't see no reason to put up a fight

I'm living for giving the devil his due

And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

Time is the essence

Time is the season

Time ain't no reason

Got no time to slow

Time everlasting

Time to play besides

Time ain't on my side

Time I'll never know

Burn out the day

Burn out the night

I'm not the one to tell you what's wrong or what's right

Well I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

Burn out the day

Burn out the night

I can't see no reason to put up a fight

I'm living for giving the devil his due

And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning for you

-"Burnin' for You" by Blue Oyster Cult

* * *

I considered not going to Rosalie's graduation party. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could trust myself around Bella. I wanted her so badly and it had become nearly unbearable since the poker party.

That night had been a disaster. I knew I was done for when Rosalie had suggested poker. I was a decent enough player, but I was just buzzed enough that I couldn't stop myself from staring at Bella. There was something simultaneously bold but shy about her demeanor as she slipped her bra off. The shirt had been bad enough. I'd stared at the white swells of her breasts against the edge of the grey bra and had to drag my eyes away. It was simple, not satin or lace, just a smooth, pale grey fabric with a narrow strip of darker grey trim edging it. The contrast of the darker grey against her skin drove me mad. I wanted to take it off of her and see the rest. I wanted to feel how soft the skin was there. I hardly paid attention to the game, too distracted by the way her body moved as she stood up to strip out of the jeans she wore to reveal a matching pair of grey boyshorts. I felt like a bastard for noticing but her body was so clearly different than Rosalie's. Rosalie was much curvier and her body more clearly defined. She worked out a lot, that much was obvious. She was gorgeous, but there was something compelling about Bella's more subtle curves. She was thin, but not too thin. No jutting ribs or anything that made her look unhealthy. Her body was softer than Rosalie's, without the relentlessly toned look of someone who worked out all the time. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate the effort Rosalie put into looking good, but there was something appealing about how natural Bella looked. Healthy, and fit, but not starved or hard. What bothered me about Rosalie was that she wasn't as confident as she liked to pretend she was. She had a certain arrogance about how good she looked, but at the same time, she sometimes seemed uncomfortable with her body. Although Bella seemed shy about showing off her nudity, she somehow seemed more comfortable in her own skin.

I bit the inside of my cheek when she removed her bra finally. My breathing was shallow and labored as I saw her try to hide her chest from view with her forearms. It was futile; I saw everything, but somehow alluring that she was being bashful. There wasn't even the faintest hint of tan lines, just uninterrupted milky white skin. I was perversely pleased to see her eyes linger on my cock as I dropped my boxers. Just for a moment, as her tongue licked across her bottom lip I knew she wanted me. I had to sit down quickly to hide my rising erection. Emmett leaned in to help Bella with her hand and she shifted to the side and I caught a glimpse of pale pink nipple. One glance at Emmett's naked ass after he realized Rosalie had stolen our clothes was enough to deflate my erection. I had managed to win back my boxers before she pilfered them and our poker game quickly dissolved into a ridiculous game of hide and seek for our clothes. It was a cheap shot, but I hid behind Bella when Rosalie went after us with a squirt gun. I just wanted an excuse to touch her.

My hands curled around her hips and I felt the silky fabric under my fingertips and her cool, smooth skin. I leaned in to say something in her ear and saw her nipples tighten. Something she was wearing smelled like warm, sweet, fresh strawberries and I suddenly wanted to taste her skin and to press warm, wet kisses to the curve of her neck as I moved inside her. I felt her shudder against me as I whispered in her ear. Her body moved easily in my hands as we backed across the room to get our clothes and her soft skin brushed against my chest. She fumbled with her bra and I moved her fingers out of the way to hook it for her. I would use any excuse to touch her that I could. I was disappointed when she slipped her own clothes on, even as I put mine on. She abandoned me to Rosalie and disappeared into the other room. Rosalie's smile looked forced and although she tried to play it off as a joke, she squirted me in the face with the squirt gun. I chased after her, annoyed with her passive aggressive games. She snarled something about me going after Bella and laughed mockingly when I couldn't deny it. We argued quietly in low voices on the landing in front of her bedroom. When her voice rose, I dragged her into the room, and slammed the door shut. Irritated and tired of all of her bullshit, I wanted to leave, but Jasper had driven us and I didn't want to drag him and Emmett away. Rosalie fell asleep quickly but I lay awake in her dark room staring at the ceiling. I didn't want to be a bastard to her. I knew she saw what was going on with Bella and I felt like a complete ass. But I was terrified of how strong of an interest I had in Bella.

Late that night I got up, intending to go downstairs to watch TV for a while. I stopped short when I saw her curled up on the couch in the living room. She looked small and forlorn lying there. She was tucked tightly against the back of the couch with a pillow cradled to her chest. I saw a streak of makeup down her cheek and I realized she had been crying when she fell asleep. I reached down to wipe it away when I heard a quiet voice.

"What are you doing?"

I pulled my hand back and glanced guiltily over at Emmett who was sitting up on the other couch looking half-asleep and confused. I looked back at Bella but she was still sleeping peacefully. I moved to sit on the floor by Emmett and shrugged. "Why was she crying?"

"I don't know. She tried to hide it but she sobbed herself to sleep."

My fingers twitched reflexively, wanting to touch her, and hating that she had been so upset about something. "No idea what was bothering her?"

Emmett shook his head and glanced over at her with a worried frown. "No."

I sighed and stood up. "Alright, I'm going to head back upstairs." Emmett frowned again and I hastened to reassure him. "I'm going to end things with Rose this week. I've dragged it out too long as is." He nodded and looked relieved.

I crouched down next to Bella and gently pulled the blanket up around her. She sighed softly but didn't wake and I dragged my thumb across her cheek to wipe away the smudged make up. Her lips curved into a small smile and her deep, rhythmic breathing reassured me that she was completely unaware of my presence. I brushed a strand of hair away from her face and let my fingers linger on her jaw. _Someday I'd kiss right there,_ I thought.

I went back upstairs to Rosalie's bed and fell asleep. In the morning, Rosalie and I were coolly polite to each other. And by the end of the week, we were officially over. She seemed fine with it, although, her dropping the name of some other guy she was interested in was childish.

I went to graduation and suddenly felt like a complete creep for being so interested in Bella and Rosalie. They were both eighteen and neither of them acted like your typical high school student, but the age difference was glaringly obvious. The other girls seemed so young and for a moment, I wondered if I should even consider pursuing something with Bella. But the moment I saw her walk across the stage to accept her diploma, I knew I couldn't just let go of my attraction to her. Her smile was breathtaking and I was pleasantly surprised when I saw she was graduating with honors. When I compared her to the other girls in her class she was so confident, so poised, and gracious as she thanked people for coming and for the cards and flowers they pressed into her hands.

After the ceremony, I hugged her carefully- trying not to let my hands linger too long, but I felt the soft skin of her back under my fingertips as I pulled away. She shivered, and her cheeks flushed and the obnoxious friend of hers handed her his jacket. She shrugged it on and I suddenly wished I'd had one to offer her.

Not wanting to cause problems with our friends I forced myself to go to the graduation party; although, I didn't drink, and spent most of my time staring morosely into the fire. Bella looked nervous and uncomfortable, although she plastered a smile on her face that didn't quite reach her eyes when people tried to talk to her. She went through the motions of signing yearbooks and chatting with friends, but I could tell it was forced. I finally tore myself away from her and went in the house to the bathroom. I stood there, staring at myself in the mirror, trying to will away the frantic look in my eyes, and calm my tense body. I felt strung tight, like a guitar that had been improperly tuned and I took a couple of deep breaths, trying to relax. I gave up eventually and made my way into the living room, intending to watch a few movies and crash, preferably as far away from Bella as possible. But she was already there, and the only open spot on the couch was right beside her. I settled in, trying not to touch her, but failing miserably. I shuddered at the feel of my knee against her thigh. I didn't have any idea what movie we were watching, too aware of her warmth and her scent and how difficult it was not to reach out to touch her.

When she climbed into her sleeping bag I moved to the spot on the floor beside her, feeling utterly out of control. My hand moved automatically to brush against her arm. She jumped a little and I was just about to pull my hand back when she relaxed. I dragged my fingertips across her soft skin and she sighed softly. I didn't want to push anything and I contented myself with the feel of her skin and the way she relaxed under my touch.

I didn't pay any attention to the movie; I was too focused on the way Bella felt. When the movie was over and the room was dark and quiet, I inched closer to her and held my breath while I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her gently toward me. She relaxed against me immediately and in moments her breathing was deep and even. Her back pressed against my chest and she fit against me so well. She felt small in my arms, and soft. In her sleep, she shifted so she was pressed even tighter against me and I buried my nose in her hair. The warm, sweet scent of hers was dizzying. I didn't sleep, too aware of her to relax.

Eventually she moved in my arms and made a small sound.

"You awake?" I asked.

"Sort of," she said quietly. She shivered against me and I moved my hand up to her shoulder, wanting to relax her. She tensed when I unzipped the sleeping bag she was in and I kept my hands high on her back and she relaxed again. She sighed softly and drifted off to sleep as I gently worked each muscle. I propped myself up on my elbow and watched her eyes flutter when I moved lower. She woke up a little when I slipped my hand under the fabric of her tank top and rested it on her stomach. I felt the muscles clench and her whole body stiffen against mine before she rolled over onto her back.

She admitted to being ticklish and I grinned at her and did it again. I moved my head to the crook of her neck and whispered how adorable it was. I couldn't stop the words that left my mouth. "You smell so good, Bella."

"You smell good, too," she whispered. I grinned, inordinately pleased that I had some effect on her. I let my lips brush across her neck, helpless to stop myself from what I'd been fantasizing about doing for so long.

"Whatever, Edward. You know you have an effect on girls," she said breathlessly. She tried to brush it off and I laughed softly.

"I thought you were immune." It was the truth; I was constantly struggling to tell if she was attracted to me at all. I brushed my thumb across her stomach and let my lips touch her neck again and she squirmed a little, her hips shifting on the sleeping bag below her. My heart took off, racing inside my chest when she said that she found me charming. I moved my lips up and over her jaw, finally kissing the spot I'd been eyeing since the poker party. My lips hovered over hers, giving her the opportunity to push me away if she wanted.

Instead, our lips met softly and then she began to kiss me back. I teased her at first before I deepened the kiss, causing her to moan quietly. I smiled, suddenly no longer worried about her interest in me. I had no idea how far it would go that night, but it didn't matter. Bella was in my arms and her lips were soft and eager against mine. As the kiss deepened, I pulled her against me, feeling the length of her body for the first time. Her fingertips at the back of my neck made a shiver run through me. I kissed her deeply and she responded, her tongue stroking against mine, following my lead. After a little while, she sighed and I pulled back, wanting to make sure she was alright.

"You okay?"

"Mmm." She looked up at me dreamily and pulled me back down. I lost myself in kissing her. When we were both breathless I moved down her jaw again and to her neck, finding a spot behind her ear that made her squirm and shiver.

When I asked her if she liked it, her response was breathy and full of desire. Her nipples tightened against my chest and I kissed her again, feeling needy and desperate. Her kisses were just as desperate as mine and she wound her fingers through my hair and tugged. I closed my eyes in pleasure and tried to pull her close but we got tangled in the sleeping bag. I unzipped it quickly and pulled her onto my blankets, draping it over both of us. I lay half on top of her, only dimly aware of the people around us. I reached to touch her eagerly, letting my hand brush against her breasts and then to her nipples when she arched into my touch. Desperate to feel her bare skin, I moved up under her shirt and sighed in pleasure. Her skin was so soft and her nipples were hard enough to cut glass with. She shivered and breathed out my name and I captured her lips with mine again. I kissed her while I stroked and teased her nipples and she began to rock her hips against me. My thigh fell between hers and she rubbed against me, seeking friction.

I moved under the blankets and lifted her shirt, suddenly desperate to taste her skin. She whimpered and tightened her hold on my head. I teased her nipples with my tongue and she responded with eager sighs and moans. But I went willingly when she pulled me back up and I worried that maybe I had scared her off.

"You okay?"

"Just kind of weirded out by everyone around us."

I guiltily remembered that we weren't exactly alone at the moment. I glanced around to make sure no one else was awake, but everyone seemed to be sleeping peacefully. "Do want to see if the guest room is free?" The words left my mouth before I even realized I was saying them. I wanted her so badly, but I knew we were rushing things and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. After a moment of hesitation, she nodded and I made my way into the hallway.

The door to the guest room was half-open and I was hopeful, but when I peered inside there was a drunk guy passed out on the floor. I was half tempted to drag him out in the hall, but couldn't quite bring myself to be that much of an ass. I sighed and went back in the living room, slid back under the blankets, and drew Bella close to me again. I told her what I found and she smiled and shook her head.

"It's alright; we'll just have to be quiet." I frowned, but she took my head in her hands and kissed me, hard and needy. I rolled onto my back and she lay partially on top of me, her hands moving up under my shirt. She explored my chest and stomach with her hands as she kissed me.

Although I'd been trying very hard to ignore the fact that I'd pretty much been hard since I touched her arm earlier, I couldn't ignore it any longer. Her thigh brushed against me and I rolled her over until she was under me again. I didn't stop kissing her, needing to taste her more. Eventually, I pulled back with a sigh and propped my head in my hand, looking down at her. The light in the room was still fairly dim but I could see her thick lashes against her cheeks and

she slowly opened her eyes to look up at me. She looked puzzled, like she couldn't figure out why I had stopped. My hand moved to her stomach and then slid lower, beneath her shorts.

I stopped when I reached her underwear, needing to be sure it was alright. "Is this okay?"

She nodded and I hesitated a moment, but she tilted her hips up to my hand and I slid my fingers lower. I moaned in her ear at the feel of her, wet and silky against my touch. She responded and I teased her slowly at first, just feeling the outside of her lips, and how wet they were. When I slid a finger inside of her I couldn't believe how tight she was. I kissed her again to quiet the whimpers she made and I felt her clench around my touch. She shuddered against me when I slid another finger into her and when the heel of my hand pressed against her clit, she came apart. Her lips parted and her eyes closed tightly. I watched her teeth clamp down on her soft lower lip as she struggled to keep silent. After she stopped shuddering under my hand she let out the breath she had been holding in a loud whoosh of air.

"You look beautiful like that, coming apart when I touch you." She looked up at me, her eyes dark and large in her face.

"Thank you," she whispered.

We both looked around the room to make sure no one had woken up, but the room was quiet and still. I rolled over, bringing her with me and she curled up beside me with her head on my chest. I threaded my fingers through hers and fell into a deep sleep.

Several hours later, I awoke to Bella squirming against my very hard cock. We were both on our sides and she was pressed tight against my body.

"See what you do to me?" I teased her.

She rolled over to face me. "No, but I can feel it."

I grinned, happy that she seemed relaxed and comfortable with what had happened earlier. I kissed her leisurely and pressed her close to me, my fingers tracing small circles on her lower back. I was surprised when she trailed her fingers over my stomach and down to my cock. I moaned and she asked if I liked it. With as hard as I was, it seemed like a ridiculous question but I murmured my agreement. When she slipped her hand underneath the fabric of my pajama pants, I whimpered at the feeling of her hands touching my skin. Her fingertips traced over the head and up to the tip of my cock. I looked up at her, and said, "God Bella, that feels so good."

I slid my pajama pants off and laid back down, her hand returning to my cock immediately.

"Tell me what to do," she whispered.

I swallowed hard and bit back a groan. "How about I show you?" She nodded and I wrapped my hand around hers, guiding it up and down my cock.

"I want to please you."

"You are," I reassured her.

She slid closer to me and kissed down my neck and jaw. I groaned and let go, allowing her to take over. She hit a sensitive spot behind my ear and I shuddered against her, my cock twitching in her hand. I ran my fingers along her back, gently urging her to continue. Her grasp was firm and sure and when her teeth grazed my earlobe I grabbed her shirt and struggled to control myself.

"I'm not going to last much longer," I warned her and she moved her lips to kiss me hard. A stroke of her thumb over the head and then a firm up and down stroke did me in. I tensed and came in her hand, panting harshly against her. She continued to stroke me, slowly and gently and I shuddered at how sensitive I was.

"Sorry," I whispered.

"Don't be." She shook off my apology and I kissed her.

"God, Bella, I want you. I want to be inside of you," I said fervently. Her hand around my cock had been amazing, but the thought of sliding into her tight, wet heat, had me feeling crazed and needy.

"I want you, too," she admitted. I smiled at her and sat up far enough to slip off my shirt. I gently cleaned her hand and then wiped the come off my cock.

I turned to look at her. She was lying on the floor beside me, breathing heavily, her eyes bright, and her nipples were hard through the fabric of her shirt.

"To hell with the drunk kid, I'm kicking him out." I tugged my pants up and turned over, fumbling in desperation for a condom. Finding one at the bottom of my bag, I slipped it into my pocket and helped Bella up. The door to the bedroom was closed and I opened it to peer inside. I was ridiculously pleased that it was empty.

I tugged her inside, shut the door behind us, and locked it. There was a bedside lamp that I clicked on and I was glad to see it was bright enough to see her body, but not so bright she'd feel uncomfortable. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her, slipping her shirt off, before pressing her against me. I ran my hands across the soft, smooth skin on her back and my lips trailed across the top of her shoulder, to the crook of her neck where the sweet, strawberry scent was concentrated. Her head fell back with pleasure and she sagged a little in my arms.

I pulled her down onto the bed and unhooked her bra. I stared at her, mesmerized by the way her pale, pink nipples tightened in the cool air. She shivered and her skin broke out in goose bumps.

"You're so beautiful," I whispered. She pulled me closer and I dragged my fingertips across her nipples. She moaned and I leaned down to take them in my mouth. I worked my way down her stomach and when I reached the edge of her shorts, I kissed my way along it. I tugged them off of her and threw them on the floor. She was wearing just a small pair of pale blue panties. I didn't take them off yet, just moved my lips over to her hip and then down her smooth thigh. I brushed my fingers across her pussy feeling how damp the fabric was. My lips teased the skin on her inner thigh and she moaned and arched into me.

"Please, Edward," she begged.

Hearing her beg me made me even more impatient and I slipped my fingers under the edge of her panties, kissing the wet fabric over her pussy lips. I closed my eyes in pleasure at how good she smelled. "God, I can't believe how wet you are for me," I said. My voice was rough and needy sounding.

She helped me slip her underwear off and just stared at her for a moment. She was mostly bare, with just a small triangle of neatly trimmed hair above her lips. My eyes traveled from her pussy, up over her stomach and breasts, to her face. Her lips were parted slightly and her cheeks were flushed a soft pink.

"So beautiful," I whispered. I parted her legs and pressed my lips to her soft skin. I let my tongue slip out and I slowly explored her wet skin.

She breathed out my name and I teased her pussy, fluttering my tongue against her clit, and then, licked slowly up and down her lips. She tasted so good and I lost myself in the enjoyment of pleasing her. She grabbed at my hair and sighed when I traced my tongue around her clit. I liked that she was becoming demanding. She moaned with pleasure and I parted her lips to delve deeper with my tongue. She arched against me and I felt her thighs begin to shake. I could hear the quiet, needy, little sounds she made and I flicked my tongue hard against her clit until she came.

She cried out my name and her body arched up around me. I didn't let up and she shuddered and spasmed with pleasure, her body shaking from the strain.

"Shit, oh, that feels so good," she cried out. I pulled away when she sagged back down onto the bed and she let go of my hair. She smoothed it down softly and I pressed a wet open mouthed kiss to her hip. I slipped off my pants and slid over her. Feeling her bare skin against mine was staggering. I kissed her, forgetting for a moment that my lips must taste like her arousal, but she didn't seem to mind. Her legs parted and I moved between them, my cock brushing against her soft wetness. I rose up and looked down at her face. Her eyes were closed with pleasure and her lips were dark pink and slightly swollen from kissing. Her cheeks were flushed a soft pink and her body writhed against mine. My cock nudged at her wet opening and her eyes opened to meet mine.

"Is this okay?" I asked.

She hesitated. "Wait Edward . . . I . . ."

Fuck. I didn't want to stop, but I'd never push her into anything she wasn't completely sure of. I moved to the bed beside her, unable to stop myself from letting out a frustrated groan. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you."

"No, it's not that . . . I just . . . I'm not on the pill or anything and I . . ."

I sat up and looked at her, hopeful that lack of birth control was the only thing holding her back. I was suddenly horrified that I hadn't thought to grab the condom from my pocket. Even if she had been on birth control, I should have used one. Bella and I hadn't even discussed the issue of previous partners and being tested. In the past I had never had sex without a condom. "God, of course . . . I didn't even think. Will a condom be okay?"

She smiled at me and nodded. I scrambled for my pajama pants and pulled it out, rolling it on quickly but carefully. I moved back over her, trailing my fingers across her thigh.

"I just want to be inside of you, Bella." I gently held her hips in place and made a shallow thrust into her. She tensed and I stopped, allowing her body to relax around me. When she sighed and her body unclenched, I slid in further. She closed her eyes and I asked her if she was all right. She didn't speak, merely nodding instead, and I slid the rest of the way inside her. I was encouraged by her quiet moan and she whispered how good it felt. I hadn't even allowed myself to enjoy the feel of her inner walls gripping me or the way her body seemed to mold around mine. If I focused on it too much, I wouldn't be able to last.

I smiled at her and lowered myself to kiss her, beginning to move. I moved slowly and shallowly at first but it wasn't long before she began to move with me, her hips rising to meet mine. We were both quiet, the room filled with only our heavy breathing and the quiet gasps that left her lips. She closed her eyes in pleasure as I began to move more quickly. I felt her body begin to clench around me and I fought to stay in control.

"I want to feel you come on my cock," I breathed against her mouth and she moaned my name. Her hands moved up to wrap around me, her short nails gliding against the skin on my back. She clenched around me tighter and I shuddered and groaned her name. I drew back and thrust harder; she arched to meet my movement and begged me for more.

I kissed her hard and groaned against her mouth when she came. In order to muffle the sounds she was making, I covered her mouth more firmly with mine and she shivered against me, grinding her hips against me. I stiffened and grabbed for her, holding her tight against me as I came hard into the condom, feeling weak with pleasure. I shuddered against her and my forehead dropped against her lips. She kissed me softly and rand her hands up and down my back, apparently not minding the sweat that had formed there. She was soft and relaxed under me. I collapsed on top of her and rolled to the side, carefully pulling out of her. She whimpered, and I wondered for a moment, if I had hurt her. I kissed her and removed the condom, tying it off, and tossing it in the trash. I felt dizzy and light-headed, surprised by the intensity of my orgasm.

I moved so we were lying on the bed side by side and pulled her close to kiss her. "That was incredible," I whispered.

It wasn't necessarily the best sex I had ever had, but it was by far the best first sex I'd ever had with someone. It was one reason I'd never bothered with one night stands. I preferred to get to know the other person, and I always tried hard learn what they liked. It took time to get to know what made them go out of their mind with pleasure, but it had been so easy with Bella. She had responded so naturally to my touch, and been so unrestrained in her reactions that it was easy to read her body. We moved naturally together and the feel of being inside of her was intoxicating.

She kissed me back and I let my hand trail down her spine, causing her to shiver. I was worried that she hadn't spoken yet and I asked her if she was alright.

"Oh yes." She smiled at me. "Sorry I spaced out on you for a sec. That was amazing."

I smiled back. "Good, I was starting to worry."

"Worry that it hadn't been good for me?" she sounded surprised.

"Yeah."

"It was more than good."

I dropped my head to trace my tongue across her collarbone and I watched her nipples harden. She shivered and I pulled a blanket over her. "Sorry, I didn't realize you were cold."

"I'm not." She gave me a bold stare and I grinned at her.

"Mmm, still turned on?"

"God yes."

"Hmm, I like that." I trailed my hand under the blanket to slide a finger back inside of her. She was even wetter than before and with a muttered oath, I realized I didn't have another condom. I told her and added, "I guess we'll have to be creative."

"Creative is good, too." I brushed over her clit and she twitched against me. "I'm still a little sensitive though."

"I can see that, is it too much?" I stopped but her hips moved to encourage me.

"Too much? No, just a little overwhelming."

I increased the pressure against her clit and she moaned. "Fuck Edward, my feet are going numb."

I paused, "What?" I grinned at her. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I had never had a girl tell me that before.

"It's good, I think. Just bizarre." She circled her hips, trying to get me to keep touching her. "Please, Edward," she moaned, "more."

"You are so beautiful like that, Bella," I said, watching her hips thrust toward my fingers. I loved seeing her take her pleasure.

"Then make me come," she begged, sounding desperate

I gently pushed her onto her back and moved between her legs. I licked her pussy firmly, ignoring the taste of the latex, too intent on wanting to make her come to focus on it. I pushed two fingers into her and licked her clit. She came hard, and she was bucking so hard that I had to hold her hips down as she shuddered against me. I crawled up beside her when she stilled and covered us with a blanket. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was harsh in the quiet room. I draped an arm over her and pressed my lips to her shoulder. I dozed for a while, content to sleep with her in my arms, but I stirred when I heard someone stumbling around outside the door.

"Do we really have to go out there eventually?" she asked, sounding as reluctant as I felt.

I opened my eyes and grinned. "Well I guess we _could_ move into Rosalie's guest room and fuck each other silly until someone kicks us out." I propped myself up on one elbow to look down at her. "Although, we are lacking condoms. We'll have to send out for reinforcements."

She shivered. "Tempting. But that's not what I meant. I just feel weird walking out there and having everyone know exactly what happened between us." She sighed. "I'm not embarrassed or anything, I just don't really want to announce it to everyone."

I smoothed my hand over her hair. It was so soft and I'd wanted to touch it since the morning we went out for bagels. "If that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sure we can come up with something. I doubt too many people are up yet anyway. Why don't you go out in the living room and sleep for a little while longer? I'll stay here and when I come out in a few hours, no one will think twice about it."

I didn't want to let her go. She was warm and soft against me, and I wanted to fall back asleep with her naked body pressed to mine. And then, wake up and bury myself inside her again.

"Thanks." She reached up to kiss me. "That's . . . really thoughtful."

"You're welcome. I'm not just a good lay you know." I winked at her. "And you have no idea how much restraint it's taking me to let you leave. I really do want to keep you locked in here naked with me. I can think of a hell of a lot of things I want to do to you."

She shivered and I smiled, pleased that she was affected by my words. "You're a tease, you know that?" she muttered and stood up to put her pajamas back on.

For a moment, I wondered if I should talk to her about what we'd just done, or ask for her number. Maybe we could go out some time, just the two of us. The thought made me pause. Did I want to ask Bella on a date? Fuck, I had never wanted to ask a girl out. Not since high school anyway. I hadn't bothered with dating, it seemed so pointless and I didn't have the time to put into a relationship. Bella untangled her hair in the mirror and coaxed it back into the ponytail it had come loose from. I smiled as I watched her dress and pull herself together. Bella deserved a guy willing to make the effort for her, but I wasn't that guy. She was gorgeous, and if she was interested, I wouldn't have a second thought about sleeping with her again. But a date? No way. She moved for the door and I stood up, wrapping myself in the sheet before stopping her.

"Wait, Bella, I at least want a kiss goodbye before you love me and leave me." I grinned at her. "And I know you don't want me to kiss you like that out there in front of everyone when you leave."

I cupped her cheek in my hand and her eyes closed. I pressed my lips to hers and pulled her against me, her body softly molding to mine. I slipped my tongue between her lips and her hands moved to caress my chest and stomach. I groaned against her lips. "If you keep that up there's no way I'm letting you out of this room."

"I might be okay with that," she said quietly, but we both started at the sound of someone outside the door. She sighed and pulled back. "Damn it, I should go."

I frowned and leaned down to give her a hard kiss on the lips. "Fine." I stepped back and she straightened her clothes and gave me one last lingering look before she stepped into the hall, and closed the door behind her. I tugged on pajama pants and turned out the light, half hopeful that she'd turn around and come back in the room. But I drifted off eventually and slept until I heard people moving around outside in the hall.

In the morning, I woke in the guest bedroom, and reached for Bella beside me before I remembered she had gone back to the living room. I was surprisingly disappointed. It was an odd feeling. I felt strange and off-kilter. I could smell her perfume on the pillow next to me and the scent of her arousal was still on my hands. I replayed the night in my head, every moment of her response to my touch. She had been so beautifully responsive and unashamed of her desire.

I was grateful I had found a condom in my bag. I certainly hadn't expected to hook up with anyone that night. I had tried so hard to stay away from her, and yet we had gone from being friends to sleeping together in one night. I shook my head, feeling bewildered by my reaction to her. It had been fantastic, mind numbing, toe curling sex. But there was something else to it that made me wonder if I was in way over my head.

I left the bedroom and glanced into the living room to see if Bella was still asleep there. She wasn't and I followed the quiet sound of voices into the kitchen. She was perched on a stool at the countertop, quietly eating cereal. She glanced up at me and her eyes widened. I looked down and realized I was still shirtless and wearing nothing but a pair of navy blue pajama pants.

She was still in the tiny pair of shorts and camisole that she had slept in. I looked back up at her and her cheeks flushed a little. She met my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. She seemed slightly unsure of how to behave, but not skittish or ashamed. When she finished eating she put the bowl in the sink and disappeared. I ate my own cereal standing up, leaning against the counter, and talking quietly with Jasper. When Alice left the room he stepped closer to me.

"What was that all about?" he asked quietly.

"What was what about?"

He gave me an incredulous look. "Don't even try to pull that with me. I know you better than that. You and Bella." He raised an eyebrow at me.

I shrugged and set down my empty bowl. "Yeah, we . . . uh . . ."

"Yeah, I got that part. I wasn't quite as asleep as you thought I was." He snorted.

I winced. "Shit, sorry man."

He shrugged. "Alice and I haven't always been as discreet as we could be. I don't care about that. I mean . . . what is this between you?"

"I don't know. We really didn't discuss it."

"You just fooled around and didn't discuss anything?"

I cleared my throat. "Uh, did more than fool around."

"Jesus, Edward, that doesn't sound like you at all."

"I know. I'm not really sure why either."

"Well, be careful."

"Yeah, I know. I really don't want to fuck things up for our group of friends."

He nodded and then tilted his head to the side to look at me. "So . . ."

"It was good. Really fucking good." I couldn't help the grin that stretched across my face.

A few moments later, Bella came back in the kitchen, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, carrying her bags. She set them down and made the rounds, hugging everyone goodbye. Her hug with Jasper was brief, but warm and I couldn't help the momentary flash of jealousy. Especially since I wasn't sure how she would react to me. We stared at each other for the briefest moment before she leaned toward me. I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a hug slightly longer than was really necessary.

"You were amazing," I whispered in her ear. When she pulled back, the smile on her face reassured me that she was okay with what had happened between us the night before. I was hopeful, because although it made me nervous to admit- even to myself-one night with Bella wasn't going to be nearly enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I can't wait to hear it, what did you think of Edward's version of events?


	53. Outtake: Lover (Edward's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't an outtake I originally planned to do, but a reviewer requested it, and I really enjoyed writing it.
> 
> It covers two chapters (Lover/Sunday Morning) which was Bella's birthday weekend with Edward. So you'll see the whole weekend, from dinner and the club, to the museum, til he takes her home Sunday afternoon.

**Outtake: Lover (Edward's POV)**

Fill me up, don't stop

Just a little deeper, baby

Give it your best shot

Although it seems

A little too fast for you

Do you think I'm too rough for you

Lover I will come for you

Lover, anytime you ant me to

Lover, I'll be there for you

Lover Lover Lover

Give me some

let's get it on

Just a little harder baby

Gotta come on strong

If you want

I'll set you free

Gotta give you big time sexuality

Lover, I will come for you

Lover anytime you want me to

Lover I'll be there for you

Lover Lover Lover

Be my mean sex machine

Come and take my body

And cover me with cream

If you're good

I'll make it up for you

If you're bad

I'll come all over you

Come all over you

Lover, I will come for you

Lover anytime you want me to

Lover I'll be there for you

Lover Lover Lover

Lover, I will come for you

Lover anytime you want me to

Lover I'll be there for you

Lover Lover Lover

-"Lover" by Lords of Acid

* * *

One night when I was in my bedroom attempting to write a paper for my music theory class, I heard a quiet knock on my half open door. Alice peered around the corner and I motioned for her to come inside.

"Hey, Alice."

"Hey, Edward. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Sure, have a seat." She perched on the edge of my bed and I twisted my chair around to see her better.

"Bella's birthday is next weekend and I wanted to see what you thought about doing dinner and dancing with the rest of us to celebrate. I'll probably invite a few friends from high school, too."

"Sounds good. Man, I didn't even know it was her birthday."

"Yeah, it's the thirteenth."

"I wonder what I should get her," I mused. Alice gave me a small enigmatic smile and shrugged.

"She doesn't expect you to get her anything."

"I know, but I'd feel like an ass not doing anything for her."

"Well, it'll be Friday night and I was thinking we'd do it in Seattle."

"Alright. Once you figure it out, give me the details of where I need to be when, and let me know if you need any help," I offered.

Alice gave me another smile. "I will. Thanks."

She left and instead of getting back to my paper, I went online to see if I could figure out something to get for Bella. An hour later, I was still at a loss. I felt like I knew her really well, we had talked about everything, books, music, art. … With a start, it occurred to me what I could do for her birthday. I could take her the Seattle Art Museum. We'd talked about doing that anyway, although, it kinda felt like a date thing to do. But it didn't have to be, I reassured myself. Just two friends, who happened to be lovers, going to check out some art- totally casual, right? Fuck. I buried my head in my hands. Things between Bella and I were slippery and convoluted enough.

Irritated with myself for turning something so simple into something complicated, I decided to take her to the museum anyway. We could go on Saturday and I could pick her up from the dorm that afternoon, after she'd recovered from the night before. I frowned; I really didn't want to drive back and forth between Port Angeles and Seattle, on Friday and Saturday. Maybe she wouldn't mind if I crashed in her dorm room. Plus, there was already the advantage of enjoying drunk, frisky Bella. The beds were so small in the rooms though, and not exactly conducive to wild, unrestrained sex. I could get a hotel room in Seattle, I considered. I poked around online trying to find one. I wanted something fairly close to the museum, and hopefully, the club we were going to go to would be. I went out in the hall and called down the stairs. "Alice?"

"Yes?" She appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

"What club are you thinking about?"

"Either Trinity or Heaven, why?"

"Fuck. Neither are particularly close to the art museum."

"The art museum?"

"Yeah, I was thinking of taking her on Saturday and getting a hotel for Friday night."

"Oh, that's a great idea." Alice grinned at me. "She'll love it."

"Good. Not sure what hotel to go for though. There are a ton by the waterfront, so they'd be near the clubs, but they're nowhere near the museum."

She shrugged. "So split the distance, and do something halfway between the waterfront and the museum."

"You're brilliant, Alice." I grinned at her. "I knew I kept you around for a reason."

"You know it." She gave me a soft smile. "Great idea for Bella by the way."

"Thanks." I was inordinately pleased by her compliment.

I went back in my room and finally found a hotel that looked like it would work. The Sorrento Hotel was nearly a century old, but recently remodeled. The huge, comfortable looking beds and marble bathtub convinced me to book it. I winced at the price, especially when I decided to book both Friday and Saturday nights. But I had the money, and we'd both be comfortable there. Although, if Bella wanted, I'd let her enjoy the hotel room by herself. I knew how much she liked having time to herself, so if she wanted to I could always head back to Port Angeles, after we went to the museum on Saturday and she could stay there by herself until Sunday.

With plans for the weekend made, I finally got back to writing the paper, although the thought of Bella dancing with me at the club and naked on the bed in the hotel, begging me to fuck her, kept distracting me. By the time I finished the paper and printed it off, I was completely worked up. It didn't take long for me to jerk off, fantasizing about burying my face between her thighs, and making her cry out my name. _Goddamn it_ , I thought. _I was getting in way over my head and there wasn't a thing in the world that could stop it._

Friday night I wrapped up tutoring early and took a quick shower, before dressing and packing for the weekend. Alice had handed Jasper a bag of Bella's things the day before and I took it with me, checking into the hotel and stashing our bags there before heading to dinner. Jasper and Emmett were already there, Emmett with a very questionable date. She was not at all his usual type, other than being blonde, and I gave him an odd look. He shrugged and gave me a sheepish smile, which meant he was up to something, but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what. I'd have to remember to ask him when I got back on Sunday. Several other people that I vaguely remembered seeing at Bella's graduation were there. I remembered Angela and her boyfriend, Ben. She gave me a friendly smile and I talked to them for a few minutes. I was right in the middle of telling them about one of the kids I tutored, when Bella walked up to the table. Alice called out something, but all I could do was stare at Bella. She had on a knee length fitted dress in a dark silvery color. Her hair was straight and smooth, and she must have gotten a haircut because I could see bangs partially covering one eye. She looked older and more sophisticated; I couldn't stop the rush of arousal that had my dick so hard I wanted to cry.

"Hey." She smiled at me.

"Hey. Wow."

"How are you?"

"I'm…good," I managed. "Wow. You look…amazing." She did, too. She was pretty casual most of the time, I'd seen her in jeans or yoga pants more often than in skirts or dresses, and I liked that she was so relaxed and comfortable. But this outfit was phenomenal. I blinked and pulled myself together. "Happy birthday by the way."

"Thanks." She slid into the booth next to me, I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. She seemed slightly uncomfortable or something, so instead of the kiss I wanted to press to her lips, I brushed them across her cheek.

"Do you want a drink?"

"Sure. A martini sounds nice."

"Gin or vodka."

"Gin, with a twist of lemon."

I smiled, loving that she didn't drink like most college freshman.

I offered to let her try my dirty martini and watched her lips as she tasted it, then stole an olive and licked her fingers clean. Christ, she was going to kill me. Although she was still occasionally shy, there was something unashamed about the way she approached her sexuality. She didn't get self-conscious about enjoying herself and it was one of the things I liked most about her.

I ordered her drink and sat back, just watching her as she talked with her friends. She relaxed into me, her shoulder pressed right up against mine, although we had plenty of room at the table. Jasper tilted his head at me and gave me a raised eyebrow. I realized I had been staring at her, so I turned to Emmett and talked to him for a while. I tried to ignore his obnoxious date and her breathy voice. I couldn't help but compare it to Bella's voice. Hers was lower, sometimes a little husky, and she spoke very well. It was one of the things I had noticed early on. Although I wasn't a vocal major, I had taken plenty of vocal performance classes, and I idly wondered if Bella could sing. She'd have a great voice for it. I gently brushed my hand against her outer thigh, the fabric was so soft I wanted to stroke every inch of her in that dress. She didn't respond so I did it again a few moments later.

She turned to me. "What are you going to order?"

I hadn't even thought about food, I had been too wrapped up in her. "I'm not sure yet, maybe the Chicken Alfredo Fettuccine." It was the first thing that popped into my head. I had been to the restaurant before and vaguely remembered seeing it on the menu. She decided on the Chicken Marsala and I returned to touching her underneath the table, moving to the bare skin where her dress had ridden up. I ordered in a daze and made my way higher on her inner thigh, watching her gulp down her drink. Trying to distract both of us, I asked her about her day—listening intently while she told me about Alice's trip to the spa and going shopping for the dress.

"Remind me to thank her," I whispered in her ear. "You have no idea what it's doing to me."

"Don't I?" she purred and her hand came to rest directly on my painfully hard cock. I drew in a sharp breath.

"Was that your goal for the night? I asked.

"I believe the general plan-as described by Alice-was to make guys fall at my feet." She smiled at me.

"It's working."

"I hadn't noticed," she said, with a careless shrug. Most girls, I wouldn't have believed, but Bella was being honest.

"See the two guys at the bar there? In the suits?

She glanced surreptitiously over her shoulder at them. "Yeah."

"They've been staring at you since you got here." They had been, and although I couldn't blame them, they were annoying me. They were way too old for her. I sighed when I realized they were probably only a few years older than me. The age difference between us still threw me a little. Although with her turning nineteen, I felt slightly better about it.

"That will make Alice happy." She gently squeezed my cock and I forgot completely about the guys at the bar ogling her, and the age difference. I reciprocated by sliding my hand further up her thigh until I could feel the heat of her pussy, just an inch from my hand. We both suddenly seemed to realize that people at the table were watching us and she turned to talk to Emmett's date, who was apparently named Lacey. Ugh.

I smiled when Bella laughed at the girl's idiocy, amused to realize that we were both annoyed by her. We ate our dinner, and I was grateful to have a meal that didn't require a knife, because it meant it could keep my left hand on her inner thigh, while I twirled pasta with my right. Emmett seemed amused by our foreplay as I fed her cheesecake and she licked crumbs off the tip of my thumb.

We walked to the club from the restaurant, stopping to get a few group pictures along the way. I was inordinately pleased to have some of Bella and me on my phone, to add to the pictures of her in lingerie I jerked off to all too frequently. It was fairly early, and we got into the club easily. Bella made a beeline for the bar and gulped down several gin and tonics before I had even finished my first drink. By the time we got out on the dance floor, she was drunk and horny. Drunk, horny Bella was adorable, and incredibly arousing, but also kind of a handful. She was not at all shy about pressing her ass right into my throbbing cock. Shortly after everyone else made their way to the downstairs lounge she begged me to fuck her.

I smiled at her, wanting to tease her just a little bit more. I brushed a hand over her nipple and she responded by dragging her short nails down my back and stroking over my cock with a firm hand. She begged me again and it took all of my willpower to keep from dragging her off to the hotel right that second. She writhed against me and I slid my hand up her dress to moved her thong away from her pussy. She was drenched and I raised an eyebrow at her but she didn't respond. She looped an arm around my neck and continued to dance. She ground against my thigh, trapping my hand against her pussy, and I continued to stroke and tease her. She shuddered against me and I saw a guy behind her staring at us, his eyes wide as she came, moaning in my ear.

"Mine," I mouthed at him and he held up his hands to indicate he wasn't going to try anything. I moved my other hand to the back of her neck, tracing a line down her spine. Her knees buckled and her weight settled against my thigh. My grip tightened on the back of her neck to steady her. When her orgasm subsided, I slid my hand away from her pussy and grabbed her hand. I could feel her arousal coating our fingers and it sent a thrill through me. I led her toward the bar and she ordered another drink, trying to pretend like I hadn't just fingered her to orgasm in front of hundreds of people.

"Better?" I asked.

"You're such a tease," she muttered, sounding annoyed.

"But I'm not. You got to come."

"I'm still horny," she huffed.

"I know, it'll make it that much better later." I slowly dragged my lips along her collarbone and a strong shudder raced through her body. "Did you just come from my lips on your skin?" I asked, feeling smug at her reaction to my touch.

"Of course not."

She pulled away from me and went over to the empty couch nearby. I sat down beside her, running my hand up her thigh. She gulped down her drink and slammed it onto the table, before turning and straddling me. She kissed me, her tongue thrusting aggressively into my mouth, and I grabbed her ass and pulled her into my cock.

"Are you sure you don't want to fuck me?" she asked.

"I always want to fuck you. But not right here."

I was pretty much sober, and despite the lust clouding my judgment, I really didn't want to take her in some nasty club bathroom, and have her regret it in the morning. She stood up and begged me to leave, but I reminded her that it was her birthday and she looked guilty all of a sudden. I led her downstairs to find our friends in the lounge and we settled down at a table with them. She perched sideways on my lap and talked to her friends. I kind of zoned out except when she made some crack about liking being on top and riding me hard.

"Later," I promised her

"You better mean it," she threatened me.

"Trust me, you're going to scream my name later," I whispered in her ear. She swayed a little on my lap and I ordered her a glass of water. I idly watched the waitress hand her the glass, and Bella eye the girl's cleavage. I shifted under her, my erection painfully hard. Bella's bisexuality- or maybe just bi-curiousness, was intriguing. Watching her flirt with another woman had me so hard I couldn't think straight and I told her how hot it was when the waitress left.

She turned slightly pink as if she hadn't even been aware of what she was doing. She asked if I had checked the waitress out and I shrugged. I certainly had noticed her, but really, only in the context of Bella checking her out. I couldn't have told you what color hair she had or picked her out of a crowd.

I let her talk to her friends for a while, content to hold her and breathe her in. We each did another shot and she ground down against my cock when she leaned forward to grab it. I gulped my shot down, needing the rush of alcohol. We left shortly after, with Angela and Ben and after saying goodbye to them, I kissed her on the sidewalk, not caring where we were or who could see us.

She swayed in my arms, still tipsy, but marginally more sober than she had been earlier. I teased her that not fucking her in the club had been payback and she pouted, so I explained my real reasoning.

"You were trashed. I didn't want you to end up regretting something. I know you're pretty uninhibited about most things, but I wasn't sure how far that went. I didn't want you to wake up tomorrow and be upset that we'd fucked in some back corner of the club."

I pulled her closer and she sighed and relaxed against me. "Thank you. I don't think I'd regret it, but I appreciate the thought."

"However, if you ever wanted to sober…I'd be more than happy to try that out with you." I winked at her.

"So I just have to be coherent and alert for any public friskiness?"

"Yep."

"Good to know. But if you don't get me back to your place, and soon, I'm not going to be held responsible for the things I might do. Drunk or not."

"Duly noted." I told her about the hotel room, although I didn't tell her that the hotel was part of her birthday gift from me. I'd tell her in the morning. I found a cab and she drove me nuts the entire ride to the hotel. She played with my cock, nibbled at my lower lip, and dragged her tongue behind my ear. I gave up trying to get her to behave and we horrified a few people in the elevator. It was way too nice of a hotel to act like this in, but I was too far gone to care.

I threw her onto the bed once we were in the room and kissed her.

"Fuck, Bella, I need to be inside of you, you've been driving me crazy all night." I shoved her dress up and ripped her thong off. I didn't even bother to take my pants off, just unzipped them, pulled my cock out, and stroking it a few times, which made her moan. I spread her legs and hooked them over my shoulders. I roughly plunged into her and she bit back a scream. I fucked her hard and in just moments, she clenched around me and cried out that she was coming. A few moments more, we were both crying out our pleasure and I collapsed on top of her. When I shifted, it occurred to me that I was still hard and I shook my head in bewilderment.

"Jesus, the things you do to me," I muttered and moved inside her again. She called out my name and I settled into an even rhythm, one less frantic than before. When she begged me to be on top I willingly complied. She unzipped her dress and I watched her hungrily. She stripped me, her fingers clumsy but eager and I helped her pull off my shirt. She straddled me and I held her hips steady as she slid over me. Her pussy was slippery and hot as it dragged against my sensitive cock and I groaned.

"You feel so fucking good."

"Do you want to be inside of me?"

"Yes." She dragged her nails down my chest and my eyes rolled back up in my head.

"How bad?" She circled her hips and I felt a shudder run through me at her taking charge.

"I've never wanted anything so fucking bad," I admitted, a little overwhelmed by the need I had for her. I reached up to tease her nipples and she shivered and leaned down to kiss me.

"Beg me," she whispered, sitting up again.

"Please, Bella. God, please I need to be inside you. Make me come." She guided me inside of her and I groaned with pleasure.

She fucked me hard, my hands tight on her hips to help guide her. When she began to come I flicked my fingers against her clit. She came apart over me, her head thrown back, her fingers digging into my stomach. She cried out and shuddered, triggering my orgasm and I came inside her with a loud groan. Her body milked mine and she collapsed on me, her ear against my heart. I gasped for air, dizzy from the intensity of my orgasm and wrapped my arms around her, burying my nose in her hair, drawing in the sweet, warm scent of her shampoo. She fell asleep on me and, although her weight grew heavier, I didn't let go or move her. When she shivered in her sleep and I realized I couldn't reach the blanket to cover her, I moved, waking her up.

I coaxed her into the shower and gave her a bottle of water to drink. She shivered and I turned up the heat in the room before slipping into the shower beside her. When we finished, I dried her off and combed out her hair. I got another bottle of water into her before I carried her into the bedroom; she was half-asleep before I even got her tucked under the covers. I turned out the lights and fell asleep with her in my arms.

In the morning I awoke to her muttering in her sleep. I smiled, amused at the nonsense that spewed from her sleeping brain. She woke up a short while later and I teased her about it. I was relaxed and content, enjoying the feel of her bare skin against mine, the way she curled around my body, and the way her fingers moved in little random patterns over my chest and stomach as we talked.

She accused me of spoiling her and my erection went from half-staff to full when she called me Mr. Cullen. I'd had this random little fantasy of her as a secretary for months now, and that just did me in. She teased me about it when I admitted it and I dragged her over to the desk and plunged into her. My eyes closed, the fantasy playing out in my mind so clearly despite the fact that the setting was all wrong. I muffled a groan against her back as I came, light-headed from the feel of her, and her willingness to indulge my stupid little desire. We collapsed onto the bed and she joked about doing it right for my birthday sometime. Apparently, she hadn't realized that Rosalie's graduation party had been the same day as my birthday, and she seemed amused by my comment that she had been the perfect birthday gift.

"You're sweet." She nuzzled against my chest and I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. Sweet? No. Just a horny bastard who was lucky to have found a beautiful girl who was willing to indulge me in every fantasy I had- and a few that were new. I'd enjoy her while I could, before she met someone else. Because I wasn't the guy who was going to sweep her off her feet and promise to make her happy… Was I?

Somehow, even with that thought in my head I fell asleep for several hours. When we woke up again, I told her about her birthday gift and that if she wanted me to leave, I would. She seemed baffled by the idea of me leaving and thanked me. We ordered breakfast and she dozed while we waited. I ran my fingers along the smooth skin of her back, feeling the tiny ridges of her spine, and thinking of how silly she was that she hated ordering food from room service. Ridiculous, but so Bella; a tiger in bed and too shy to call and ask for French toast.

We devoured the food when it arrived and I pounced on her before she'd even finished. Her eyes were bright and happy, and she tasted like maple syrup. I joked about not taking her to the museum but she threw a cute pout at me and I couldn't resist the look on her face. I got rid of her plate and threw myself at her, feeling lighthearted and silly for the first time in a long time. I tickled her and she squealed. I found myself laughing at her ridiculous noises. The playful mood shifted to something more intense when I took her nipple in my mouth.

"You have the perfect tits," I whispered, meaning it.

"Mmm, Edward," she sighed and I grew hard at the noise.

"They're not perfect," she protested. "Although, I'm glad you like them so much."

"I beg to differ; they're the perfect size and shape. And the color- pale and pink." I'd been with girls bigger and smaller, but right then at that moment, I couldn't picture any of them. All I could see was her.

"Just look at the way they respond to my touch." I traced around the nipple and it tightened immediately. "And I don't _like_ them. I worship them."

I nearly lost it when she told me she felt like she was coming. I would give nearly anything to make it happen, to make her body respond to my touch that way. I licked, bit, and sucked at her, using my mouth, fingers, and tongue to make it happen. She buried her fingers in my hair and cried out. Before she had even begun to come down I ripped off the clothes I was wearing and thrust inside her. I gritted my teeth at the unexpected feel of her inner walls gripping my cock so hard I couldn't breathe.

"Fuck, so tight," I gasped. I kissed her deeply while I moved inside her and we both collapsed onto the bed after the intensity of our orgasms. I kissed her softly after and let my fingers slide through her messy curls.

After a hot shower we got dressed and took a cab to the museum. I didn't feel like driving my car, I was much happier to hold her instead as she watched the city go by with her head on my shoulder. She seemed happy at the museum; she took everything in with wide eyes and pointed out interesting facts about the artists. We held hands as we walked and her fingers felt good in mine. I surreptitiously watched her, noticing the way the curve of her ass looked in her painted on jeans, her legs amazingly long for someone of her height. She was wearing a black V-neck t-shirt that gave me a clear view down her cleavage, her hair was gathered up in a loose, low ponytail, and she had on little jewelry or makeup. She had been stunning the night before in a slinky dress but in jeans and sneakers, she still made me so hard I couldn't think straight.

I turned away from her, frowning at the display on the wall. She wasn't trying to, but she still drove me crazy with desire. What the hell was happening between us? This was nothing like what I'd had with Sophie, my first lover. She'd fucked me sixteen ways until Sunday and I'd enjoyed every moment of it. But Bella…Bella was something different. Something different than any of the girls who had come before her.

"You're going to be a wrinkly old man," she teased me, breaking me from my thoughts. "Every time you inspect something, you frown."

I laughed, grateful that she thought it was the art I was concentrating on, rather than her. "I'll be more distinguished…my grandfather looked great, even when he was almost eighty, and my dad doesn't even look close to his age. I look a lot like both of them, although I get my coloring from my mom."

She smiled at me. "Good to know."

"Will you still want me when I'm eighty five?" I joked, and then realized what a loaded question it was.

She laughed. "Probably, although I think we'll scandalize the nursing home." She stopped abruptly and we eyed each other uncomfortably. That was veering dangerously into a direction I was trying to avoid. I was nuts about Bella, but it didn't mean I was even contemplating anything more. At least I didn't think so. She was enough of a distraction now; I didn't have the time or the inclination to put into a relationship. Except, she wasn't going to want something like this forever. She was fine with it now - and I was lucky, but at some point she'd want something serious, if not with me, then with someone else.

I watched no fewer than three guys and a girl not so subtly eye her as we worked our way to the exit of the museum, and it occurred to me that what we had together was awfully tenuous. At any point she could decide she wanted someone else. Someone willing to put in the time and the effort a relationship took. Not that Bella was in any way demanding. I was usually the one who made plans with her. Dating wouldn't really be that different I guessed. With my head in a whirl of confusion we reached the exit and I tugged her over to the side of the building, pushing her gently up against the wall and kissing her. It was soft and tentative; my emotions too scattered and confused to do anything but reassure myself that at least for now, she was with me. She was embarrassed when a security officer politely asked us to leave and I squeezed her hand to reassure her.

She seemed tired when we got back to the hotel and she collapsed on the bed. I offered to let her take a nap but she declined and mentioned dinner. I felt like an ass, realizing that I hadn't offered her lunch, or figured out anything for dinner. Wanting to make it up to her, I brushed off her offer to go with me and ran her a bath in the huge marble tub. She settled in and I stared down at her for a moment. Her cheeks were pink, her eyes so huge and dark in the dim light of the candles I'd lit. Her hair was in a messy pile on top of her head and I could see the slope of her breast covered in a mound of bubbles. She accused me of spoiling her and I bit back the automatic comment that rose to my lips. Bella deserved to be spoiled and pampered. I told her instead that I enjoyed it, which was the truth. The littlest things gave her such unadulterated pleasure and it made me feel good when I saw her reaction to it.

I kissed her goodbye and left the room, stopping to talk to the concierge at the desk in the lobby. Instead of driving or taking a cab I walked a few blocks to the restaurant he had suggested. It was small, dark, and cozy, and I ordered our meals and took a seat in the lobby to wait for it. Instead of pulling out my phone and checking my email or playing some mindless game, I thought about Bella. I felt twisted up and confused, but not unhappy. In fact, this had been one of the best weekends I'd had in a long time. Bella was so easy to spend time with. Affectionate but not clingy, and relaxed about just about everything. It was frightening how much I enjoyed our time together. I must have had a smile on my face as I stared blankly across the room because after a little while I noticed the hostess doing her best to gain my attention. She was bent over the podium, running a pen along the edge of her lips, trying to pretend like she was studying the seating chart for the restaurant. I smirked a little at how obvious she was and how unaffected I was by it. She was pretty, tall with a build like Rosalie's, and her skin was the color of a latte, with wide brown eyes and dark, curly hair. She must have taken my smirk as an invitation because she dropped the pen onto the podium and sauntered over. She was wearing a black dress and heels and under other circumstances, I might have been very interested.

"Is there anything I can help you with while you wait?" she asked. I noticed that her name tag said Sarah.

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine, thank you, Sarah," I said politely.

"Do you need help finding anything in the city? You look like maybe you're a businessman in town for the night…"

I raised an eyebrow at her. Really? A businessman? I was wearing jeans and a green button down with the sleeves rolled up. Where had she gotten that impression?

"No, staying at a hotel nearby and I came by to grab dinner to take back to my room."

I winced, that had come out wrong, it was going to sound like I was hinting that she come back with me.

She smiled prettily. "It's so lonely sometimes at a hotel, isn't it?"

I smiled back. "Not at all, I'm picking food up for two. I have someone waiting for me when I get back. I left her in the bathtub while I ran out for dinner."

"Oh." She frowned. "Well, if you're ever in town again alone…" her voice trailed off and I shook my head at her audacity.

"She lives in Seattle; I just got the hotel room to celebrate her birthday."

She frowned in disappointment, but quickly replaced it with a polite, cool smile. "Well, enjoy your weekend with your girlfriend."

I nodded and didn't correct her. The food came a few minutes later and I made my way back to the hotel, setting the food down on the nightstand before I peeked in the bathroom at Bella. She was still in the bathtub, and I slipped inside to kiss her and take a seat on the edge of the tub.

She made a joke about moving in here and I told her it was fine as long as I did too, and then shook my head at the ridiculous train of thought that took me on. I offered her wine, and she agreed to a glass but joked that she couldn't handle more after her drinking from the night before. We teased each other for a few minutes and I helped her out of the tub and dried her off. She combed through her hair and I watched as she slipped into the robe Alice had packed her, eyeing the way the thin black cotton clung to her damp skin.

I frowned when she told me that in the past, she had fainted from not eating and I helped her over to the bed. She treated it cavalierly but I was worried that I had made her go too long without food. I felt better once she had eaten but she shrugged off my apologies that I hadn't thought to ask her what she wanted for dinner.

She seemed happy with the tortellini I'd ordered for her and she joked about us being hedonists. We _had_ indulged ourselves in food and sex the last few times we'd been together, and I smirked and kissed her.

"You are the perfect woman," I said in amazement, meaning it. There was no one else I could picture fitting so well with. She was someone who truly seemed to revel in every little sensation: good food, nice wine, the feel of our skin together. She got the same enjoyment I did out of them. She agreed with me and I laughed at her obnoxious confidence. It seemed I was a bad influence on her.

We curled up in bed together and she promptly fell asleep with her head on my chest. I turned off the movie almost immediately and watched her sleep. I gently smoothed away the frown that wrinkled her forehead and the unhappy dream she seemed to be having melted away. She sighed my name and I kissed the top of her head before slowly reaching to turn out the light without disturbing her.

In the morning, I awoke before she did and watched her sleep again. It was kind of fascinating to me. Her face showed every emotion so clearly. When she finally woke up, she was surprised to find how late we had slept and she frowned at how fast the weekend had gone by, I felt the same way.

I offered to do it again but she shook her head. I ran a finger from the top of her forehead to the tip of her nose, she closed her eyes and smiled.

"The hotel is a little extravagant for every day."

"It was your birthday; I had to do something special."

She laughed at me. "Remember when we talked about not feeling obligated to do something…that goes for you, too."

"I didn't feel obligated, I just meant I really wanted to, and I couldn't imagine not doing something for you."

"Well, it was incredibly sweet. I feel kind of like a jerk though, I should at least pay for half."

"You don't understand the concept of a gift, do you?" I teased her.

"I just feel like you're always doing nice things for me, and I don't do anything for you."

"You feel like you don't do anything for me?" I said incredulously and she nodded, her eyes wide and worried looking.

"Bella…you have no idea how many things you do for me, aside from the phenomenal sex, although that certainly has been enjoyable. I have never felt so relaxed…being around you I don't worry so much. I can just enjoy you. In the past…" I paused, trying to put it into words she'd understand "…I had a tendency to pull into myself, to worry too much, and brood about things. Being around you has been…it's been unlike anything I've ever experienced before."

She reached up to touch my face softly. "I'm glad."

I pulled her to me, feeling a lump in my throat that I didn't really understand. We both dozed and I awoke to her sighing in her sleep, her hips making small little movements against mine. I softly kissed her shoulder and she murmured sleepily that I was stubbly. It had been almost two days since I'd bothered to shave and my hair grew in fast. I laughed and held her down so I could tease her with the feel of it against her skin. She squirmed away and I rolled over, pulling her on top of me.

"Not a fan of the stubble, huh?"

"Not when it's being used to drive me crazy." She dragged a hand along my cheekbone to feel the whiskers there.

I laughed. "Alright, I'll shave. Unless you'd rather I ditched the stubble for a mountain man beard."

"Ugh, no. I'm not a fan of beards."

"What about mustaches?"

"Nope, reminds me too much of Charlie."

"I take it that's a no on goatees as well."

"Ehh, it depends, some guys can pull it off. Johnny Depp looks hot with one."

"From what I understand most girls think he could put underpants on his head and he'd still be hot."

"Yeah, pretty much."

I shook my head and muttered, "Stupid pirate."

She laughed. "You're just jealous."

"Damn straight I am. I thought I was supposed to be the only recipient of your undying lust." I really kind of was, wondering if that was the kind of guy she usually went for. We didn't really look anything alike. I rolled my eyes at my stupid momentary insecurity. She was naked in my arms and he lived halfway around the world, and wasn't likely to show up in Seattle and sweep her off of her feet. Not to mention the fact that he was old enough to be her father.

"'Afraid not. The Johnny gets first dibs," she joked.

"Heartless wench."

"I do try."

I narrowed my eyes at her and kissed her. I reached up to touch her pussy and in moments, I'd brought her to orgasm, her mouth open against my shoulder as she panted and writhed on top of me. I gently moved her to her side and slid into her, rocking against her and kissing my way up and down her neck, my mouth memorizing the taste of her soft smooth skin until I was weak and shaking from the intensity of my own orgasm. Reluctantly, I got out of bed; we showered together before dressing, and checked out of the hotel. I picked up my car from the parking garage and stopped for coffee and Danish on the way home. She devoured the cream cheese Danish and unashamedly stole a bite of the apricot one I was eating. I smiled at how comfortable with me she seemed. When we pulled up to the dorms I put the car in park and kissed her. We kissed for a long time and I was hard and aching for her by the time she pulled back.

"I should go." She sighed. "I have a ton of homework."

"Yeah, I have a lot to do, too. But I'd rather stay here." It was true, I had a composition to finish and hours of practice I needed to do on a piece I was supposed to perform the following week.

She leaned over and kissed me. Despite the fact that I knew I should leave, I reached up to cup her breast and she groaned in my mouth before pulling away and resting her forehead against mine.

"I really need to go," she whispered, sounding as unmotivated as I felt.

"I know."

"Trust me; I want to invite you in."

"Then do it," I coaxed her, brushing my thumb across her nipple and felt it tighten against my finger.

"I won't get anything done."

 _You'll get_ me _done_ , I thought and I chuckled, knowing she meant homework. "True."

I gave her a thorough kiss and lightly pinched her nipple. She moaned and squirmed in her seat. I grinned at her and forced myself to sit back in my seat.

"Thank you for this weekend. It was amazing. You have no idea how much I enjoyed it."

"I'm glad. I had a great time, too."

"You're too generous," she protested. "But I had such a great time I won't even complain."

"Good." I grinned at her and she opened the car door and grabbed her bag. I thought about walking her up to her room, but I knew if I went up there, I wouldn't leave.

"Thanks again, Edward." She gave me a brilliant, happy smile and I couldn't help but return it.

"Anytime."

I spent the ride back to Port Angeles thinking about her. I was so confused, I had no idea which way was up. But I was happy too, and despite the lingering worry that this was all going to blow up in my face, I decided to go with it and see what happened. I was probably setting myself up for a world of hurt, but things were too good with Bella to give up now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Did that give you a much clearer idea of what Edward was feeling for Bella at that point?


	54. Outtake - B!tch (Rosalie's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Rosalie's POV. I've been waiting to post this since Bella and Rosalie's fight and I can't wait to hear what you think about it!
> 
> Quick warning, there's a brief mention of drug use, lesbian sex and a threesome.

**Outtake - B!tch (Rosalie's POV)**

I hate the world today  
You're so good to me  
I know but I can't change  
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel  
underneath  
innocent and sweet  
Yesterday I cried  
You must have been relieved to see the softer side  
I can understand how you'd be so confused  
I don't envy you  
I'm a little bit of everything  
all rolled into one

Chorus:  
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover  
I'm a child, I'm a mother  
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint  
I do not feel ashamed  
I'm your health, I'm your dream  
I'm nothing in between  
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am  
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man  
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous  
and I'm going to extremes  
tomorrow I will change  
and today won't mean a thing

Just when you think you've got me figured out  
the season's already changing  
I think it's cool you do what you do  
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease  
I'm a goddess on my knees  
when you hurt, when you suffer  
I'm your angel undercover  
I've been numbed, I'm revived  
can't say I'm not alive  
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

-"Bitch" by Meredith Brooks

* * *

Bella had absolutely no idea how lucky she was, or how beautiful. I would have killed for that clear alabaster skin. And even first thing in the morning, in pajamas, with her hair a mess she looked beautiful. I might have been gorgeous, but it took effort. I worked out three days a week, did Pilates, and watched what I ate. It took me an hour to blow my hair dry, straighten it, and put on makeup. I was high maintenance. She was ready in fifteen minutes and looked amazing.

When she was feeling confident, she could bring a room full of guys to their knees, and she didn't even realize it. She had gotten better over the years. In middle school, she'd spent hours crying over the fact that she was still flat as a board and even Alice had some tits before Bella did. I tried to tell her that it was better not to have guys staring at you like you were a piece of meat, but all she focused on was what she didn't have. But she blossomed a couple of years into high school, and she was stunning.

If there was one thing I was more jealous of than Bella's looks, it was her family. I watched her after graduation, watched the people around her. Her father was there, so thrilled for her he was nearly crying. And the Clearwater's and Black's, she has all those people who loved and supported her, and she didn't see it. She didn't have a clue.

Alice's parents came to graduation, with cards and flowers for all three of us. My parents had come to the ceremony and left immediately after. No card, no flowers, barely even a moment of congratulations before they were out the door and on their way back to Seattle. I was equally jealous of Alice's family, but there was always some undercurrent of rivalry between Bella and me. I didn't know if she felt it too, but somehow I felt like I was never good enough, that I'd never live up to Bella.

She didn't see the way Jacob looked at her, like the sun rose and set with her. She didn't see the scorching intensity of Edward's eyes when he stared at her in that little blue dress. He had never looked at me like that. He'd wanted me, at least at first. Although I had been somewhat surprised by his refusal to sleep with me that night we met. No matter what I did he'd firmly told me no. It was humiliating. I hadn't lied to Alice and Bella, he was amazing. We'd fooled around and I had come several times, but I wasn't sure why I felt the need to let them believe that we'd slept together.

I watched him slip away from me and knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I hated who I was becoming, sharp, and bitter. I'd always had a biting wit, and been proud of it, but now I was unnecessarily cruel. I think I saw it even before he did, but I watched Edward fall for her. Half of the time when we went up to his room, we fell asleep without doing anything. I lay there in the dark, wanting him to reach over and pull me close. I didn't want a relationship, but I wanted something. I'd never met a guy who wouldn't bend over backwards to please me in any way, but Edward operated by his own set of rules. He was hot, but I didn't even want him that bad, I just hated the idea that he didn't want me.

You'd think I would have gone after Emmett, but something about him scared the shit out of me. I knew of anyone, he had the potential to break my heart. He had the ability to make me vulnerable. And I didn't like being vulnerable. I refused to be vulnerable. It was heady, the way he watched me, his eyes worshiping me. But his intensity was overwhelming. I didn't know what he saw in me, or how he could possibly think I'd be good for him. Beneath his goofy bravado, he was a softie, and I knew I'd break his heart. So I was nasty to him, pushed him away even when I thought maybe it might just be nice to get lost in those strong arms and be his Rosie. I threw myself into seducing Edward, although it was only half-successful, by then he was so wrapped up in Bella it was ludicrous.

It finally sunk in the night of the poker party, when I watched them joking around. There was a tension in the air between them, thick and suffocating. I was every bit as naked as Bella and yet it was her body he couldn't take his eyes off, her hips his fingers wrapped around. Although it was my bed he slept in that night, he didn't so much as touch me. I'd made several snarky comments about Bella throwing herself at him and we fought. He was coldly polite but it was downhill from there. I waited for him to end our arrangement, but he didn't. I think he was trying to deny it himself. Not about us being over; he didn't care one way or another about that. But his need for Bella frightened him. He was too good of a guy to start anything with her while we were still technically 'together', so he didn't end it right away. He wanted her with an intensity I had never seen before. They were both so fucking oblivious.

I flat out lied to Bella about the other guy I was seeing. Matt didn't even exist. But I hated the idea of anyone thinking that Edward had ended things with me. Josh was real, but he meant nothing. The only reason I invited him was that I refused to be alone at my own graduation party. He was cute, but that was absolutely all he had to offer. I let him fuck me, and regretted it immediately after. I woke up in the middle of the night, just a few hours from dawn, and made my way downstairs. I was thirsty, and the glass I normally kept in my bathroom had broken the day before. I passed by the living room on my way to the kitchen and peered inside. People lay sleeping in a tangle of bodies and I picked out Jasper, Alice, and a handful of others but I couldn't see Bella or Edward. Sick feeling, I passed by the door to the downstairs guest bedroom and it was tightly closed. Light spilled out from under the door and I overheard voices speaking quietly. I could hear their quiet conversation and my worst fears were quickly realized.

"If you keep that up there's no way I'm letting you out of this room," Edward spoke quietly, but there was a low throaty sound to his voice. It was the sound of a well-satisfied man who wanted more.

The moment she spoke, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. I knew that voice. "I might be okay with that," Bella muttered, sounding every bit as reluctant as he did to leave.

I was suddenly angry with her for fucking him, for doing it in my house. She must have heard me make a sound because I could hear them move inside the room. I walked quickly away and back up to my room, the glass of water forgotten. I fell back into a fitful sleep and in the morning, Josh groaned and sat up to leave. I considered going downstairs with him and rubbing him in the faces of Edward and Bella, but I couldn't stand to see them together. I wondered if Edward had the balls to ask her out or if he'd been a pussy about it. I refused to sit up in my room sulking when he left, so I let the sheet slip down to my waist.

"Where are you going?" I purred.

"I was going to head home. Busy day." Josh looked vaguely uncomfortable. I recognized the look of a guy ready to bolt.

"Well, I wouldn't want to keep you from your plans ... but do you think you could spare another few minutes?"

I sat up, arched my back a little, and he paused- looking at my tits; it didn't take much to get him flat on his back and ready to go. I rode him hard, and I came, but it was hollow and pointless. I was using him and I felt vaguely disgusted with myself. He left quickly after and I laid there in bed for a while, feeling sick. Everyone was gone by the time I made it downstairs.

When Bella called to brag about her night with Edward, I hung up on her before I started crying. She was giddy and dazed sounding, and I saw every moment of their lives together play out before me. Somehow I knew it wasn't going to be a passing fling for either of them, and that they'd have their happily ever after someday. In my mind, I saw the adorable little dinner parties at their cute fucking house. They'd invite Alice and Jasper, Angela and Ben, and me and whoever the hell I was fucking that week. I'd be the slightly ageing cougar always after a younger man, a miserable lush like my mother. It made me sick. My girls would go off to their own lives and I'd be stuck in some miserable fucking rut.

I knew how fucking good Edward and Bella would be together, but I hated it. I wanted them both miserable. I didn't feel anything anymore but bitterness. Edward called and I laughed in his face when he berated me for how I was treating Bella. He was trying to be noble and blame himself. What a joke. He probably was every bit as to blame as she was, but she was my best friend. My sister. She had betrayed me.

The shitty part was, I knew exactly what I was doing and how much it was hurting her. I held her letter in my hands. I had read it, three times. She was so hurt. And I knew I was making a mistake even as I burned the letter. But I wanted her to be in pain. I loved her and I hated her. The letter burned down to ashes and I grabbed the last of my bags before walked out the door. There was no one there to say goodbye to me, or to see me off. I had, almost literally, burned the last of my bridges. I got into the cab and didn't look back once as I left Forks, and headed toward the airport to take me to New York City. I was done with Forks and everyone in it.

I loved New York City. It was exactly what I'd been dreaming about for years. I loved the noise and the chaos of it all. It was exciting and new after the sodden dreariness of Forks. NYU's housing was shit but I met a couple of older girls in one of my classes who had an apartment nearby, so I spent a lot of my time with them. Soon we were going out clubbing or to a party almost every night. It was amazing, I never had to use my fake id, no one ever carded, especially when we were in the VIP rooms. I had no idea what these girls' fathers did for a living but they were loaded. They made my dad's money look like petty change.

Leslie was adopted, a fact she lorded over her parents on a nearly daily basis. Any time they asked her to do anything she threw out the 'you're not my real parents' card and they backed right down. She was a spoiled little bitch and I wasn't sure I even liked her, but I liked what she could do for me.

Ericka was just a snob. No guy was ever good enough, although that didn't stop her from having a half dozen of them at her beck and call. They were all wealthy and well connected. Most were older. She never fucked them. But they were all so enthralled with her that one flew her to Milan for a weekend and another sent her roses weekly.

It was heady watching them work a crowd. I learned a lot and I develop my own reputation. I might not have had the money, but I had the body and the attitude and it got me pretty damn far.

I did my best to avoid thinking about Alice and Bella. Alice called a few times but I couldn't handle talking to her. I fobbed her off with excuses and she eventually stopped calling. I felt guilty, but I didn't know how to deal with her. My life now was so different from what it had been like at home, that I knew we hardly had anything in common anymore. I couldn't reconcile the girl I'd been before with the girl I was becoming. Forks became a dim memory. Or it would have, except I kept getting annoying emails from Emmett. How he had my email address to begin with was beyond me. Although, I suspected Alice had something to do with it. He didn't email a lot, maybe once a week or so. A lot of them were just him discussing his week, or things he saw that reminded him of me. They were irritating, but I found it impossible to delete them without reading them. Maybe there was a part of me that couldn't leave Forks entirely behind. Emmett was my last link to that life, to the old me.

It had been almost a month since I'd been in New York when I finally caved in and answered an email of his.

_Rosie,_

_The weather has been unseasonably warm for early September. Even though I'm not taking classes any more, this time of year always seems like the beginning of a new year. More than January 1st ever does. I miss school sometimes, I've been out for a year, and I think eventually I might want to go back. I like my job, I really do. But I think maybe someday, I'd want to teach business rather than be a manager or own a business. I think I'd be good at it._

_What are you studying at NYU? I hope you're having fun. We all miss you here._

_-Emmett_

_**~BC~**   
_

_Emmett,_

_What the hell is wrong with you? I don't give a shit about your tiny little life in Forks. It's not like I'm coming back, you might as well just forget about me. I'm not worth your time, and you're wasting mine._

_-Rosalie_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Rosie,_

_I know you probably think I'm ridiculous- pining after you, but I want you to know that I'll be waiting for you. Think what you want, but someday you're going to regret wasting the time we could have had together. I know you think I'm cocky, or crazy. But what I know is that you'll change your mind. I'll be waiting until you do._

_-Emmett_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Emmett,_

_I have no idea what you think you're going to accomplish writing to me. I am not interested in you and never will be. Nevertheless, clearly you're getting something out of it, so I'll make you a deal. Swear you'll date other girls and I'll actually respond to your ridiculous emails. Within reason. No more than one email a week._

_-Rosalie_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Rosalie,_

_I went out for a friend's birthday last night. I brought a date. Her name was Lacey. She's 5'7", blonde, blue eyed, and not a tenth as beautiful as you are. We met at a frat party that my younger brother dragged me to. She is studying event planning. I have enclosed a picture of us together as proof for you that I did indeed go on said date._

_-Emmett_

_**~BC~**   
_

_Emmett,_

_I think you're being excessively generous if you say she's a tenth as beautiful as I am. But whatever, clearly you're not working with a fully functioning brain anyway._

_I went out last night, too. I went out clubbing and came home with Todd. Do you like to hear about my conquests Emmett? Hear how he fucked me until I screamed? That I sucked him off? Know that you'll never get to do the same._

_-Rosalie_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Rosalie,_

_I know you're trying to make me jealous, and I would be, except I know you aren't happy. You have these lies built up so high that don't even know what you're doing to yourself._

_You deny it, but you could be happy with me. You're so brittle and fake sometimes but I know there's someone in there capable of love. She's strong, vibrant, and doesn't take anyone's shit. But she's soft and tender, too. And I want you to know I see her. She's hidden, so deep you don't think you'll find her anymore, but if you give me a chance I'll show you._

_-Emmett_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Emmett,_

_You are so full of shit you're swimming in it. Soft and tender? Please ... I'm a bitch Emmett, and you like that about me._

_-Rosalie_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Rosalie,_

_I like your true strength, not the bitch mask you hide behind. You are so utterly full of bullshit, and you can't even see it. Bella and Alice are proof that you used to have a heart. You three wouldn't have been friends for so long if you were all hard-ass._

_-Emmett_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Emmett,_

_Well, if you hadn't noticed, we aren't exactly friends anymore thanks to Bella's little stunt with Edward. I'm assuming the photo you sent was from Bella's birthday. Did you think I didn't notice that the picture you sent of you and your date had a bunch of other people in it? That I wouldn't notice how cozy they looked together? Real subtle ... jackass._

_Yeah, I figured that she and Edward were still fucking. Loyalty my ass. She got a taste of dick and it didn't matter who stood in her way, huh?_

_Whatever, I don't even care. They can fuck, date, get married, have twelve children for all I care. It isn't as though I'll ever see either of them again._

_-Rosalie_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Rosalie,_

_Yes, it was for Bella's birthday. She turned nineteen, and she wanted you to be there. They didn't touch each other until you left and destroyed Bella. I'm not saying you didn't have the right to be hurt by what they did, but you treated Bella like shit and someday you're going to realize just how much you gave up when you left. Your best friend and a guy who is so in love with you he's dizzy over it. And yes, I am referring to myself._

_As for Bella and Edward, don't you dare cheapen what they have. They're having a hard enough time realizing it themselves, but he's falling in love with her and despite her best efforts- she'll get there too. You've made it hard enough on them, let them be._

_-Emmett_

**~BC~** _  
_

_Emmett,_

_What am I supposed to do? Call her and grovel? Maybe I did treat her like shit, but it doesn't change the fact that she betrayed me. And what does it matter? I'm enjoying my life here. It's not like I'm going to move home anytime soon._

_-Rosalie_

As the weeks passed and Emmett's letters continued I did my best to put them from my mind, but they never totally disappeared. I struggled to keep the cool, calm façade in place, but it slipped sometimes. He made me angry, but being angry meant that I cared. Otherwise, it wouldn't have mattered to me at all. And when Halloween neared, I missed my girls more and more. It didn't stop me from going out nearly every night, and drinking myself into a stupor.

Ericka surprised the hell out of me one night when we were out partying. She'd always been a little flirty, but that night at the club she was all over me. There weren't any particularly hot guys she seemed to be trying to catch the eye of. I figured she was on something, she usually was, and I briefly wondered if it was X. For the first time in a while I hadn't taken anything- just drank, and I wondered what it would be like to explore things with her. So when we stumbled into her apartment later that night and she dragged me into her bedroom I didn't protest. It was a little awkward at first but I soon found myself enjoying the feel of her tongue between my legs.

In the morning, she acted as if nothing had happened, and I wasn't surprised. I hadn't forgotten it. I wondered what it meant, if I had to label myself now. I decided I didn't really care. People were people, sex was sex, and well, I was just horny Rose who decided she liked dick the best. Pussy was nice, but never as good as a nice thick cock.

I got plenty of cock as well. The nights blurred together and sometimes, I lost track of what day of the week it was. I woke up hung over and barely made it to a couple of classes a week, if I was lucky.

One morning I crawled out of the bed I'd been sleeping in and looked down at the guy. He was cute, they all were, but I couldn't even remember his name. With a moment of horror, I realized there was someone else in the bed as well, a pretty redhead whose name I couldn't remember either. Fuck, what had I done? It wasn't the fact that I'd slept with a woman, or even that it had been the two of them at the same time, it was the fact that I didn't remember most of it. What the hell had I been on? I was exhausted and my head hurt worse than any hangover I'd ever had. A hazy memory of drinking and then lines of white powder swam before my eyes and with a sickening realization, I remembered snorting cocaine the night before. What a mess. I was inordinately grateful to see several condom wrappers on the floor beside the bed. I had been stupid, but it could have been worse. I slipped on my clothes and made my way home feeling depressed and lethargic, still coming down from the high I'd been on the night before. As I showered, I realized what a sad mess my life had become, pathetic really. But it didn't stop me from going to a club the next the night or blacking out and waking up in a strangers' bed a week later. I finally broke down and told Emmett.

_Emmett,_

_I think I did something really stupid. I ... don't even know why I'm telling you this. I tried coke. It was amazing at first, but coming down was brutal. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and I wanted it, I begged for it. But in the morning,g I felt stupid and dead inside. I don't know what you think of me now. How much you loathe who I'm becoming. I know I do._

_-Rosalie_

_  
_

_Rosalie,_

_You're right, that was stupid. And dangerous and I'm so fucking glad you're okay. At least physically. I'm not going to lecture you about stopping, you know you need to, before you can't. And I think you must want to stop, or you wouldn't have emailed me. If there's something I can do to help, tell me. Call me if you need me to talk you down from doing something stupid. Day or night, it doesn't matter._

_I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You're hurting, and scared, and you're making some monumentally stupid decisions. But you have the opportunity to fix it. Please, do it. Not for me, but because you deserve to be happy. I hope you know how much I care about you Rosalie, that won't ever change._

_-Emmett_

_  
_

I didn't know how to respond to Emmett's email. He was right, and I hated it. I sent him a brief email thanking him, but I stopped talking to him after that. I didn't stop drinking, but I did stop everything else. And I figured that at least it was a step in the right direction.

One night, Ericka drunkenly confessed to me that she was a lesbian. I wasn't particularly surprised, but it made me sad that she couldn't admit it otherwise. She never slept with guys, but she pretended to be interested in them to keep up appearances. In her world and with her family, there were no other choices. She was straight and that was all she could ever admit to. But drunk, high, and lonely- she tearfully told me. She admitted how pretty she thought I was and that she wanted to be with me. I let her have that fantasy for the night and in the morning, she was as distant as ever. My heart broke for her and for a moment, I wondered if my life was really any better. Was I any less fake? Was my life any less sad and pathetic?

That night I drank until I blacked out, trying to drown out my own thoughts. This time when I woke up it was in the hospital and I realized just how close I came to nearly dying. My father came to the city long enough to clean up my mess. I don't know how the hell he did it, but somehow, everything got taken care of so I wasn't in any trouble for drinking underage. No doubt, he paid a hefty fine for it but at that point, I didn't care.

 

_Emmett,_

_I almost died last night. I drank most of a fifth of vodka and ended up in the hospital. I'm scared and feeling so alone. My dad came to clean up my mess but my mom didn't even bother to call to make sure I was okay. I can't believe I'm saying this. God, I know I'm going to regret this, but ... I need you Emmett. Can you please come to New York?_

_-Rose_

_Rosalie,_

_All you had to do was ask. I'll be there just as soon as I can._

_-Emmett_

_  
_

I felt simultaneously relieved and sick when I got his response. I knew I couldn't keep going on the way I had been, but I was scared. It took him less than a day to get there, and I wondered what kind of strings he'd had to pull at work, and what he'd told Edward and Jasper.

He called me from the airport to tell me he was in a cab and on his way to my dorm. I was shaking by the time I opened the door. He stood in the doorway to my room, and I just stared at him for a moment. He looked the same as ever, but it was as if I was seeing him through brand new eyes. His bulk was solid and reassuring, and his dark curly hair was still closely cropped. His dimples were faintly visible even though he wasn't smiling, he looked tired and worried. He was dressed like usual- in pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, with a lightweight grey athletic jacket thrown over top. He had on a pair of scuffed running shoes and his blue eyes were sad.

"What the hell have you done to yourself Rose? You look like shit."

I burst into tears, he slammed the door shut and closed the distance between us in a quick stride, and I found myself in his arms. I sobbed against his chest and he held me tight. God, he felt good. Solid and reassuring. And his smell ... how had I never noticed that he smelled so good? I vaguely realized that my feet weren't touching the floor and I wiggled a little, wanting him to put me down. Rather than let go, he scooped me up and carried me further into the room. I was vaguely aware of him kicking the door shut behind him and gently laying me down on the bed.

"You don't think I'm beautiful anymore?" I cried, curling up into his side.

"You're always beautiful," he said softly. "But frankly, for you, you look awful. Why the hell have you been treating yourself so badly? You deserve better."

I started crying even harder. He let me sob until I had no more tears left and I felt exhausted. He got up and I clung to him, not wanting to let go of him so easily.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm going to take care of you. Where's the bathroom? In here?"

He knocked gently on the door inside the room and opened the door that led to the bathroom I shared with the girl in the room next to me. I was vaguely aware of him running water and in moments, he had come back for me, scooping me up, and was carrying me into the bathroom. He put me down just long enough to undress me and then lowered me into the tub. I curled up, bringing my knees to my chest, feeling suddenly vulnerable that he was seeing me naked like this. I would have been much more comfortable strutting around in lingerie, or just heels. But I was vulnerable like this.

He took a washcloth and wet it, draping it over my body to cover me and I thanked him quietly. He took a seat on the floor beside the tub and looked into my eyes. "You're going to be alright."

I nodded, not really believing him.

"What did you tell everyone?" I asked softly, wiping at my eyes. I realized suddenly that I hadn't even put on makeup that morning, I'd been so keyed up about him coming to see me that I hadn't even noticed.

"That I was coming out to visit my uncle. He lives just outside of the city."

"You lied to them? Why?"

"I didn't feel like it was my place to tell them what was going on with you, so it was a lot easier."

"The guys are going to be pissed." I couldn't quite say Edward's name out loud. It was too much of a reminder of all of the things I had fucked up.

"They'll survive. You're the most important thing."

I finally relaxed a little into the tub, letting the hot water soothe away my tension. I stretched my legs out and his eyes followed the long expanse of bare wet skin.

"How was your flight?"

He shrugged. "It was fine. Took too damn long."

I smiled at his impatience. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, I wanted to be here with you."

"Thank you for coming."

"Whatever you need. You know that."

"I know." I looked down before raising my eyes to meet his. "How about you help me with this bath?"

He gave me a dimpled smile and his large hand reached out, palm up. "Which bath stuff is yours?"

I handed him the l'Occitane Almond Shower Oil I'd bought earlier in the week and he squirted some onto his hand and gently brought it down onto my shin. He smoothed it over me, and when it mixed with the water clinging to my skin- it turned into a lush lather. I closed my eyes as his hand slowly slid around my calf and he washed my legs. I shifted minutely as his fingers made their way up my inner thighs. I was shocked to realize that this slow teasing was getting me as worked up as if he'd fingered my pussy. I opened my eyes and locked gazes with him before picking up the washcloth and dropping it into the water beside me. His eyes were heated and hungry and I almost panted with anticipation. Instead of going straight for my tits, his hand smoothed more shower oil across my hip and belly. I held my breath and nearly cried when as he worked his way up, bypassing my nipples, in favor of my shoulders and arms.

"Sit up."

I complied and twisted my hair up so he could wash my back, dipping down below the water to where my ass began. I sat back when he was done and squirmed a little when he moved to the swell of my breast.

I stood up, the water cascading down my body in sheets and he gulped audibly.

"Take me to bed, Emmett."

He wrapped the towel around me and dried me thoroughly, his hands gentle, but not lingering. I hung it on the towel rack when I was done, walking into my room without a stitch of clothing on. He scooped up my clothing and locked the bathroom door behind us as he followed me. I lay down on the bed, posing as seductively as possible as he neatly folded my clothes and laid them on the chair. He took off his own clothes, leaving on a pair of boxers and the t-shirt.

He looked at me and said, "alright, scoot over; I need some room to sleep."

I stared at him, my mouth wide open in shock.

"What the ... I want you to fuck me, Emmett."

"I know you do." He sat on the edge of the bed and nudged me over before lying down beside me. "But I'm not going to fuck you until you're back in Washington, on your own two feet."

"What the hell makes you think I'm going back to Washington?" I sputtered.

"Because your life is there. Because I'm there. Because you can be the amazing woman, you should be there. Not this fake brittle, socialite wanna-be."

I sputtered in anger and he leveled a serious look at me. "This is when you make your choice about who you're going to be. You can either grow up, admit you've made some mistakes, and go live the happy life you should," he tossed me a dimpled smile, "preferably with me. Or, you can stay here and either kill yourself with your stupidity or end up just like your mother."

I gaped at him and then burst into tears again. He didn't apologize, and I knew he was right. It was time for me to admit that I wasn't happy here, that I was destroying myself here. When I'd finished sobbing and pounding ineffectually at his muscled chest I gulped and said, "Okay. I'll come back in December."

The smile that lit up his face was luminous and he kissed me tenderly. "That's my girl."

I shivered and I realized what I'd just agreed to. I was in a relationship with Emmett, and hell hadn't frozen over.

"Does that mean you'll fuck me?" I teased, sitting up in bed to straddle him. He was unapologetically hard underneath me.

"No." His hands gripped my hips, but he didn't move me off of him. "It means when you're back in Washington and you're strong enough to handle it, I'm going to make love to you."

I blinked in astonishment. _Make love? What the hell had I gotten myself into_?

"We're going to wait until that idea no longer terrifies you."

I realized I was kind of panicking and I suddenly felt cheap and desperate, straddling him naked like this.

"Can I have your shirt?" I asked quietly.

"Of course." He sat up a little to shrug out of it and my body clenched in anticipation when his hard cock, rubbed against my needy pussy. He slipped the shirt over me and brushed my hair back from my face. "I'll give you whatever you need baby."

"Except your cock apparently," I muttered peevishly.

"I said what you need, not what you want. You need to get your head on straight before we make love."

"Damn it, Emmett. You're so frustrating." I sighed and slipped off him. He held out his arm and I found myself cuddled up into his body, safe and secure beneath his well-muscled arm. His chest and abs were amazing and I shifted uncomfortably, frustrated by my need for him.

"That's why you're going to love me so much," he said smugly.

"I'm horny as shit right now, you know that?" I grumbled.

"I know."

"What the fuck am I supposed to do about it in the meantime?"

"Masturbate."

My eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

He shrugged. "It's what I've been doing since I met you last January."

"You haven't slept with anyone in eleven months?" I screeched.

"Why would I settle for a cheap imitation when what I wanted was you?"

"But ..."

"No buts. It's been more satisfying fantasizing about you, than cheapening it with some lame-ass hook up."

"But I've slept with ..." I gulped, "... so many people since then."

He shrugged. "You did what you thought you needed to do. By the way, you should probably be tested; I know you've been doing some kind of risky things while you were here. I'd rather make love without a condom if you're on birth control." I stared at him wide-eyed. He just didn't seem to know when to stop and I found it simultaneously frustrating and reassuring.

"I ... I'm on the pill and I haven't fucked anyone without a condom."

"I'd rather be sure," he said firmly.

I nodded. "I'll go next week."

"Thanks baby." He kissed me again and I rubbed my thighs together.

"You really won't help a girl out?"

"Nope. Wanna watch you take care of yourself."

"You want to watch? What if I don't want to put on a show for you?"

He shrugged. "Then you're going to be very very horny."

"Damn it, Emmett." I huffed and hiked up his shirt, I was swimming in it. I hoped that if he watched me he'd change his mind. I let my fingers wander, watching him out of the corner of my eye. His eyes were glued to the V between my legs and I parted them, sighing with pleasure when my fingers met the skin there. I fingered myself fast and hard, my head arching back. He touched me eventually, but only to run his fingers across my forearm. His large hands moved lightly across my skin and I held my breath in anticipation, hoping he was going to change his mind. But he didn't. Just the feel of his touching me in such a simple way was enough though and I quickly came hard, crying out. I nearly cried out his name and it was dizzying to realize just how much I needed him already. I curled up beside him, suddenly embarrassed by my little show and he kissed the top of my head.

"Feel better?"

"A little bit."

"You won't be able to walk by the time I'm done with you," he promised. "Get your shit together and we can start our life."

The idea of going back to Washington was terrifying. I had put all of my friends through hell and I wondered if they would ever forgive me. And I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life. It was almost overwhelming. But with a sudden pang of regret I realized how much I missed Alice and Bella, and how much I was looking forward to a life that didn't require me to put up a façade. They knew the real me, and they loved me anyway. That was what Emmett had been trying to remind me all along.

The first thing I did after Emmett left was go to the free clinic to be tested. I winced at how irresponsible I had been and I knew if I managed to be lucky enough to test clean, I owed somebody big time.

Intellectually, I knew that some of my issues were because of my family. I'd known that all along, but knowing it didn't stop my reactions, or my irritation at it. It was so trite that I was fucking around when what I needed was my parents' love. I hated that I'd become _that_ girl. But I was, and there was no use hiding it, so I had to suck it up and try to move past. I dreaded the thought of seeing a therapist, but it was worth it. Emmett was worth it. I'd beaten him to the punch mentioning it. I knew he was going to, but I figured if I did it on my own terms it kept me in control, which at that point was about all I did have control over. It felt like my life had been fucking turned upside down and I needed whatever I could get. I barely survived my finals, I spent weeks cramming for them, hoping to make up for the months of wasted time I'd skipped classes, and not turned in assignments. I passed, but barely. I packed up my room and headed back home. Instead of moving back into my parents' house in Forks, I rented an apartment in Seattle. I was going to do things my way from now on- although, I was grateful for the platinum credit card that had allowed me to do so. I winced, aware that I'd never really be independent until I was working and supporting myself, so I made myself a promise to at least get started. I'd still need their money for school, and I couldn't get a real job until I graduated, but I could do plenty in the meantime to put myself on the right track.

I dreaded my conversation with Alice and Bella, I was terrified that I'd damaged our friendship irreparably, but I underestimated them. They were far better people than I was. Bella looked simultaneously hurt, angry, and terrified and I felt like shit that I'd treated her so badly. She didn't deserve it. She took my apology far better than I deserved. It felt so good to get it all off my chest and when the three of us left the restaurant, I felt better than I had in months.

I was amused by her reaction to what I said about her and Edward. They were a pair that was for sure, all this time and they still couldn't see what was right in front of them. Idiots. But maybe I could do a few things to repair the damage I'd done.

It was interesting seeing Edward for the first time. I apologized to him and at first, he was stiff and a little curt with me.

"Don't apologize to me; Bella is the one you hurt."

"I know," I said softly. "And I'll make it up to her, somehow, if I can. I swear, Edward, I feel terrible."

He must have seen the truth in my eyes because he softened a little. "I know. Just, please, don't ever hurt her like that again."

"I won't."

"And you've been taking care of her, while I was gone?" I asked.

He nodded. "I've been trying. She's ... important."

"I know. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks. I'm happy for you too."

I smiled; I couldn't help it when I thought of Emmett. "He's not what I expected."

"Probably not. But he's good for you."

"Yeah, he is."

"And you're good for him too. He's so stupidly happy it's like he's perpetually drunk."

"Yeah, the right girl will do that to a guy." I grinned at him and he smiled back.

"Yeah, she will," he said softly and I knew he was talking about Bella.

Oddly enough, Jasper was the coldest toward me. I had hurt Alice and Bella and that put me on his shit list. I apologize to him, too and he nodded his assent but didn't thaw much toward me. I think he was waiting for me to fuck up. But as the weeks passed and he saw my sincerity he started to relax around me a little. Eventually I'd prove to him that I was trustworthy, again. Because it wasn't a phase or something I took lightly. These people mattered to me and I'd spend my life proving to them how important they were to me. I had almost lost them and I refused to ever let that happen again.

My relationship with Emmett progressed slowly over the next few weeks. He wanted to take things slow and although it went against my very nature, I was determined to respect his wishes. I felt like I was fifteen again, making out with a guy in the car every time we got together. His kisses made me wet and needy and all I could hold onto was how good it would be when we finally did make love.

One night we were on our way back from a movie and he paused at the door to my apartment.

"You want to come in?" I asked, hoping that he did.

"I'm not sure if I should."

"Please?" I begged.

"Alright."

When the door was closed and we had made our way into my bedroom he spoke again as he removed my clothing.

"It's getting harder to not want to be buried inside of you," he breathed against my neck.

"I know. I want it too, Emmett."

"You're doing so well baby."

"I'm trying."

"I know."

I turned to face him and we were both naked. I tugged him down onto the bed and he came willingly. We hadn't moved beyond watching each other masturbate. It was driving me insane, but I was starting to understand his reasoning. I was inordinately grateful that I had tested clean and my therapy sessions were going well. It was painful, but it was helping.

"I think I'm ready, Emmett," I said softly. "I'm ready for you to make love to me."

"Oh baby." He kissed me passionately and then pulled back to look at me. "I just have to ask to you to be patient for a few more days, okay?"

I sighed. "Why?"

"I want it to be perfect. Please."

"Alright." I rolled over, turned out the light, and then rolled back over into the cradle of his arms. I laid my head on his chest and we both slept.

Two days after Christmas was apparently the perfect time. Everything fell into place. Jasper and Edward went to visit their parents and we had the house in Port Angeles to ourselves.

I was nervous but excited when I knocked on the door. When he opened it, I rolled my eyes; he was such a goddamned cliché. But I loved him and he was my cliché and I knew that this gesture was symbolic of so much more.

He was standing there in a light brown suit with a crisp white shirt underneath holding a red rose. He handed it to me and I smiled faintly and stepped inside.

Neither of us spoke; it didn't really seem necessary. I followed him the stairs and into his bedroom. It was uncharacteristically neat; he was such a slob about cleaning his room sometimes. But I could see something peeking out from under the bed and the closet door. It was so Emmett. The room was absolutely covered in candles, I was pretty sure he had bought out the entire city. There were more rose petals on the bed and champagne and chocolate covered strawberries on the nightstand. I wanted to tell him that this wasn't me, that what I really wanted was a fucking burger, a beer, and a good long rough fuck, but I knew there would be plenty of time for that. This was his way of showing me how precious I was to him, and I needed to let him do it.

He undressed me, and then himself and he picked me up and laid me down in the middle of his big soft bed. I'd always liked being so tall, feeling equal to my lover, but all of a sudden I liked being so much smaller than Emmett. I felt protected and cherished. He smoothed massage oil onto my skin and spent what felt like hours massaging me until I was boneless and needy, soft and wanting. When he slid inside of me I regretted every moment I'd spent away from him, every person I'd fucked since I met him. Every time I'd pushed him away. I was still a mess, still had so much I had to set right in my own head, but for that brief time I felt sure that I could do it.

The first words he spoke to me that night were "I love you" as he moved inside me and I was so overwhelmed by the way I was feeling I thought my heart would shatter inside my chest.

"I love you, too," I whispered and then he moved again and I couldn't begin to think.

After, he cried, and so did I. I'd like to blame him, say it was his big blue eyes overflowing with tears that made me sob like a little baby, but it wasn't. It didn't help, but I was well on my way to emotional overload and all it did was tip me over the edge. I had never felt worshiped and adored like that before. I wasn't going to pretend like it didn't affect me anymore. I sure as shit wouldn't admit it to anyone but him, but I wasn't ashamed of my tears and neither was he. I suddenly understood Alice and Jasper, and if this was what Edward and Bella had been feeling, I couldn't blame them at all.

I woke him up in the middle of the night with a blowjob and he fucked me until I could barely walk the next morning. I was much more comfortable with our midnight romp than the sweet, tender lovemaking. But I couldn't deny how powerful it had been. Emmett had been right that it was important for our relationship. We slept late the next day and I desperately wanted to do something for him. He had done everything for me and I thought the least I could do was make him breakfast in bed.

When I was standing in front of the refrigerator in nothing but his white shirt, I realized that I'd probably burn down the house if I tried to cook. I was shit in the kitchen and I suddenly wished I'd had Bella teach me how to at least cook eggs. I settled for toast and coffee. And when I straddled Emmett and woke him up with soft kisses the look on his face was priceless. He was so goddamn happy I nearly cried again.

I knew he'd love me till the day he died, and beyond, if that were possible, no matter how I treated him. I realized how much power I held in my hands and I decided I would do everything I could to keep that smile on his face. For the first time in my life, I could reconcile the idea that being a girlfriend and someday a wife and maybe even a mother didn't have to be incompatible with the rest of who I was. I would always be brash and bitchy, but maybe it wouldn't be so bad being a little soft. For him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Did you like hearing Rosalie's story?
> 
> -Did it help you understand why she treated Bella so badly?
> 
> -What did you think of Emmett?


	55. Outtake: The New Year (Edward's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is New Year's Eve/Day entirely from Edward's POV, I hope you like it!

**Outtake: The New Year (Edward's POV)**

So this is the new year.

And I don't feel any different.

The clanking of crystal

Explosions off in the distance (in the distance).

So this is the new year

And I have no resolutions

For self assigned penance

For problems with easy solutions

So everybody put your best suit or dress on

Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once

Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn

As thirty dialogs bleed into one

I wish the world was flat like the old days

Then I could travel just by folding a map

No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways

There'd be no distance that could hold us back.

There'd be no distance that could hold us back

So this is the new year

-"The New Year" by Death Cab for Cutie

* * *

The days leading up to New Year's Eve were unbearable. As I made my final preparations for the trip I could think of nothing but Bella. I did laundry, cleaned my room, packed my suitcase, and all the while, thought about her. The easy peace I'd felt since things began between us was gone. I felt sick to my stomach and only ate when Jasper and Emmett reminded me. I grew absent minded, losing my keys constantly, and misplacing my plane ticket and passport.

It didn't take a genius to figure out what was going on. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave _her_. In a wild fit of desperation one night I searched for flights to Italy for her. I had filled in all of the information and was one step away from clicking on 'Purchase Ticket' when I hesitated. She couldn't go with me. As much as I wanted her there, it didn't make sense. She had a full schedule lined up for her spring semester, she couldn't take classes in Italy on that short of notice, and she couldn't live with me there. I already had a roommate lined up. I sighed and closed the browser window, to keep myself from being tempted further. _Fuck, she probably didn't even have a passport_ , I realized. Not to mention, the fact that I couldn't exactly see her father being supportive of the idea. I couldn't blame him, it was probably a father's worst nightmare. Frankly, he had been far more laid back than I had expected. Of course, he didn't actually know what was going on between us either. Hell, I didn't know what was going on.

I didn't really have doubts anymore that she had feelings for me. But I was very sure that she didn't know how to deal with them. I wanted desperately to tell her that I loved her, but I was worried about her reaction.

**~BC~**

I dressed mechanically for the New Year's Eve party. Boxers, undershirt, pants, button down, and a quick spritz of cologne. I smiled, reminded of the night at Rosalie's party when Bella had admitted how much she liked the way I smelled.

Even then I had struggled to read her. I suppose I deserved her though, I wasn't always easy to read either. Besides, a girl who didn't challenge me, bewilder me, and twist me up in knots would never have worked. I had met too many of them, vapid, insipid, boring. Bella might give me an ulcer some day, but she'd never bore me. My bags were packed and my paperwork was on the desk, ready for me in the morning. I hadn't been kidding about wanting something of hers to take with me when I left. There was a hoodie I'd worn the day before draped over the chair and I quickly sprayed it with a small amount of the cologne, too. I'd give it to her in the morning just before I left. I didn't want her to forget me when I was gone. Suddenly inspired, I dug through the desk drawer for a small pad of paper, writing a simple note to her, and tucking it in the pocket. I hoped she would find it there.

When I finally went downstairs Emmett had checked in with me to see how I was doing. Bella and Alice and Rosalie had come over a bit earlier and they were holed up in the other bathroom getting ready. We had a little bit of time before anyone arrived for the party.

"How you hangin' in there man?" he asked.

I raked my hand through my hair. "Fuck, I dunno, losing my mind."

"Did you talk to her about it?"

"About what?"

"About the fact that you're in love with her." Emmett snorted.

"No."

"What is wrong with you?"

"I don't know. I keep second-guessing myself. She's giving me mixed signals. She looks at me one minute like she's in love with me, and then the next she jokes about me meeting someone else in Italy."

"Have you thought about the fact that maybe she's just scared?"

"Fuck, I know she's scared, Emmett. That's obvious. I just don't know if it's that she's scared by the idea of a relationship in general, or scared that I am going to ask her to be in one."

"I don't know what to tell you."

"She's so straightforward about everything but this."

"Then you need to say something. You can't leave with it hanging over you."

"I want to give her a little more time, but fuck, I'm leaving tomorrow."

"You gonna be able to handle that?"

"No," I snorted. "I'm going to lose my mind."

"Why are you even going?"

"Cause it was too late to drop it. I started researching it last year. And shit, last year it seemed like a brilliant idea. But that was before I met her."

"Yeah."

I sighed. "I just kept thinking things would cool down between us. I never expected to fucking fall in love with her. Shit, Emmett, it never even crossed my mind with any other girl."

He laughed. "Yeah well, I never expected I'd meet the love of my life when we played at the bar that night in Port Angeles, either."

"Christ, why didn't I come home with Bella that night?" I sighed.

"Uh, cause Jasper did?"

I glared at Emmett and he held up his hands in surrender. "Dude, I was just kidding around. You know he didn't touch her, man."

"I know. I just get fucking insane about her. I can't think straight."

"Well, you need to do something; it isn't like things are just going to magically drop into place for you."

"I know. Trust me, I know."

I could hear muted laughter coming from the bathroom upstairs and I was suddenly glad that Rosalie was back, for Emmett's sake, and for Bella's. I only hoped that Bella would miss me half as much as she had missed Rosalie. I went into the living room to finish setting up the playlist for the party. The guys had asked if I wanted to play with the band one last time before I left, but I had declined. I wanted the uninterrupted time with Bella.

I stood up when I heard the sounds of high heels coming down the stairs. I barely saw Alice or Rosalie, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Bella. Jesus, she was so beautiful. I watched her walk toward me in a daze, her eyes lighting up as they smiled at me. She wore tight black pants and surprisingly tall heels. The silky dark blue top she wore clung to her every curve. She'd filled out a bit since we'd met and I had to admit, I didn't mind the bigger cup size. She was beautiful either way, but the swell of cleavage that was just barely visible above where the shirt was unbuttoned, made me a little crazy. I wanted to press my lips to the soft skin there. The shirt had a fabric belt that tied in a bow around her narrow waist and I wanted to untie it, even though I knew it was completely decorative. I just liked the idea of unwrapping her like a present.

Her lips looked soft and kissable. Between the darkly defined eyes and the long swath of dark smooth hair, she looked edgy and badass. For a moment, I could picture her in tight leather pants and a corset and I had to will away the surge of need for her. I pulled her close and pressed my lips to her hair, telling her how incredible she looked.

"You look pretty hot yourself," she said, her eyes raking up and down my body. I breathed in her scent, trying to get my fill of it. I kissed her forehead, needing the connection to her and I smiled when I saw she was wearing the necklace I gave her. I had hardly seen her take it off except to sleep and shower and I liked seeing it there against her pale, smooth skin. I touched it, hoping she'd wear it when I was gone.

I pulled her tight to me, wrapping my arms around her waist, and she leaned against me, her arms looped around my neck. "I'm glad you're here," I whispered.

"Me, too."

"How was your week?"

"Alright." She shrugged. "It was good to spend some time with my dad."

I smoothed my hand over her hair, feeling the soft, slippery strands between my fingers. "He seems like a really good guy."

"He is." She smiled softly. "I don't know many dads who would have done as well with raising a girl on their own." She chuckled. "Although I suppose that's why I'm really not a girly girl."

"Well, whatever the reason, I like it. You're perfect." The words slipped from my lips without a second thought, and I meant them. That wasn't to say Bella was without faults. But she was absolutely perfect for me.

"Mmm, something like that." She rolled her eyes at me and I kissed her softly. Someday I'd convince her how amazing she was. She was an odd mixture of confident and too self-effacing. Her vulnerabilities didn't run bone deep like Rosalie's. For the most part she was quite sure of herself. But sometimes, especially when it came to me, she didn't think she was good enough. All I could do was try to change her mind, but it took patience. And time. Something I was rapidly running out of.

I was irritated when Jasper interrupted us and I had to let go of her to help him finish setting up the music for the party. I didn't see her again until the party was well under way and she and Rosalie were talking in the kitchen. I caught the tail end their conversation, something ridiculous about Emmett and a banana, which I decided I was much better not knowing about.

I nearly strangled Alice when she interrupted us to tell me I had to go fix my laptop. I had no inclination to go fix it, I just wanted to take Bella upstairs to my room, and spend the rest of the time before I left touching her.

I watched her surreptitiously while I fiddled with the laptop. As always, the logical part of my brain departed and I was left feeling needy and desperate. I didn't want to deal with the party that night, I just wanted to be alone with her. And when the jackass hit on her, I lost my mind. Every single insecurity I had about our relationship flashed before me and before I knew it, I had thrown her over my shoulder and was carting her up to my bedroom. She was less than thrilled and I mentally chastised myself for being such a possessive asshole. Frankly, I was glad she called me on my bullshit, and didn't just sit there and stew about it. Instead, she'd moved past it and it wasn't long before I was buried inside her. I was rough with her, but she responded eagerly, and after a satisfying shower, we went to bed. I have no idea how much sleep I got that night, but I know it wasn't much. Between the sick feeling in my stomach at the idea of leaving her and the nightmare she had, I was a wreck. I spent most of the night just watching her sleep in my arms. She was soft and beautiful and I would have given anything to take back my decision to go to Italy.

The time went too fast that night. Even after I'd come it wasn't enough, but it never would be, I knew that. And there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I was leaving her and it would be five months apart. Email, phone calls, or webcam they wouldn't be enough. I'd sleep for shit, without her nearby. I watched the light fill the room, slowly at first and then all of a sudden, the room was bright despite the gloomy sky.

The pre-dawn hours had been filled with me struggling with my conscience. I wanted to tell her I loved her and that I wanted an exclusive relationship with her, but as the sun rose I finally accepted what I'd been struggling with. I was ready for it, but she wasn't. I knew I ran the risk of losing her before we really began anything, but it was better than pushing her too far. I knew Bella well enough to know that if we confessed our feelings and then I left, without the reassurance of regular time together, she'd convince herself I didn't mean it. I wondered what it was that made her so afraid. I was sure that the way her parents' relationship had ended was part of it, but I wondered if there was more. I should have felt relief at making a decision, but I didn't.

I knew it would be bad, but it was worse than I'd anticipated. The pain in my chest felt as if someone had cracked my sternum open. I could hear my own breathing in the quiet room, harsh and ragged sounding. I traced a finger over her cheek and her eyelashes fluttered. She always complained that mine were longer than hers but her eyelashes were thick and dark against her cheeks. I knew she hated the way she blushed sometimes, but I loved it. Not that I wanted her to feel embarrassed, but her reactions were adorable. It was hard to make out in this light but I knew every tiny freckle scattered across the bridge of her nose. My finger moved across it and she wrinkled her nose.

She sighed in her sleep and turned over onto her side, tucking herself back against me, and I relaxed my arm around her waist. One arm slid under her pillow and the other reached for mine, pulling my hand up tight against her chest. We were both naked; I hadn't wanted anything between us that night. Sometimes she slept in a thin tank top and shorts, but often we fell asleep this way. Either too exhausted to bother to put anything on, or too comfortable the way we were. I brushed my lips across her shoulder and she relaxed against me. She slept for another hour and then I felt her move against me, sporadically at first, and then she sighed and stretched.

Before she even opened her eyes she wished me a happy new year. I hated that I was perversely glad that she sounded like she was fighting back tears. I was a bastard, there was no denying that. But it felt good to know that she was struggling, too. That maybe this wasn't quite so one-sided.

She rolled over to look at me and we talked about why I was going to Rome. I was angry at myself for applying to the program the previous year. It was before I had realized what she meant to me. Before we'd even touched or kissed for the first time. It was the biggest mistake of my life. She reassured me and her soft voice and even softer hands took away some of the frustration coursing through me. She reminded me that if she were in my shoes, I'd be telling her to leave and I laughed hollowly. I would, I wanted what was best for her, but if push came to shove I'd probably find a way to go with her. But I couldn't expect that from her. She wasn't there yet.

Instead of talking more, I slid inside her. It was cowardly perhaps, but I needed that connection with her, physically, if not emotionally. It was deep and intimate and exactly what I needed. When she asked me to mark her, it was all I could do to keep from coming inside her. She didn't like my jealousy, I knew that, but as long as she wanted to belong to me, in some small way, it was enough for now. Because I belonged to her completely.

I whispered how much I liked being with her. They were paltry words, but they were all I could offer her then. I'd made my decision. When I got home in May, I would tell her I loved her, and ask her to be my girlfriend. Hopefully my absence would have made her realize how good we were together. I could only hope.

After we got out of bed and were dressed and ready, I almost changed my mind and told her I loved her. It was right there on the tip of my tongue and at the last moment I faltered.

I gave her my sweatshirt and seeing her take hers off, then slip into mine, gave me a thrill. She looked so small in the large grey hoodie of mine, but warm and safe, too. When I saw her twist the necklace I had given her around her neck so that the clasp was in the back, I took a deep breath. She wore my necklace, my sweatshirt, and what was turning into a purplish-black mark on her neck. She was mine, as much as I could manage for now. I sighed internally; maybe I did need to work on my possessiveness. For the most part Bella didn't appreciate it, and I didn't want her to feel smothered. I clutched her hoodie in my hand, amused that it was basic black. It wouldn't have mattered if it had been baby pink, I would have still carried it with me, but Bella was most certainly not a pink kind of girl. Dark, rich purples, and reds, yes, blues, greens, greys, and blacks. But not pink.

I apologized for leaving and she nodded, coming into my arms to bury her face against me. I have no idea how long we stood there, I only knew that when Jasper knocked quietly on the door and reminded me it was time to leave I wanted to kill him. I kissed her goodbye, and I could see her struggling not to cry. That had to mean something.

I don't know how I had the strength to get into Jasper's car and let her go. We were twenty minutes from the airport when I freaked out.

"Stop, Jasper!" I cried out and he pulled over and turned to look at me.

"What the hell, Edward?"

"I can't fucking leave her."

"You don't have a choice. You just have to make the best of it."

"I ... fuck." I threw my head back at the headrest and closed my eyes.

"It would completely mess up your degree. You'd lose a ton of money, and have to scramble to make up the credits. You know this."

"I do, I just ..."

"I get it." His voice softened. "I would be tearing my hair out, too, if I had to leave Alice. But it is what it is. Finish the semester, come home to her and tell her that you love her. It's the only way."

"You're right. Thanks."

"Anytime. Now, we have to get to the airport, you're going to be cutting it close as is."

"I know. Let's go." I sighed and rubbed my thumb along the fabric of her sweatshirt that was still clutched in my hand. It was all I had of hers, and I'd have to make the best of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Did you like hearing Edward's version of this?


	56. Deleted Chapter: Down (BPOV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter I wrote early on and then deleted. In it, Bella and Claire are together for several more days, and it's entirely femmeslash. I loved the chapter, but it didn't feel right in the flow of the story.
> 
> In case anyone needs a bit of a warning, Bella and Claire spend their time experimenting with toys, so be prepared. ;)
> 
> I won't be hurt if you skip it, if that's not your thing. But if you do read it, and you like it, I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it.

**Deleted Chapter: Down (BPOV)**

Pleased to meet you

Nice to know me

What's the message?

Will ya show me?

I've been waiting

A long time, now

Now here's the answer

You're all mine now

Ya, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl

Ya, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl, now

Pleased to meet you

Nice to know me

What's the message?

Will ya show me?

I've been waiting

A long time, now

Now here's the answer

You're all mine now

Ya, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl

Ya, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl, now

Will you follow me down now, down now

Will you follow me down now, down now

Will you follow me down

Ya, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl

Ya, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl, now

Ya, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl

Ya, I've been waiting for my Sunday girl, now

Pleased to meet you

Nice to know me

What's the message?

Will ya show me?

-"Down" by Stone Temple Pilots

* * *

"Do you have any toys?" Claire asked huskily.

"No. I've always thought about it, but when I lived at home I was afraid Charlie would discover them."

"And since?"

"Edward pretty much kept me busy," I admitted. "Although this semester they're sounding better and better."

"Want to go shopping for some after class tonight?"

"Only if we can try them out together."

"Deal." Her eyes sparkled at me. "I like the way you think, Bella."

I laughed. "And now I'm not going to be thinking about anything the rest of the day." I leaned down to kiss her.

"Good. You can come back all turned on and I'll make you come before we leave for the store."

I moaned. "You're killing me, Claire."

"That was the plan." I shook my head and kissed her goodbye.

I was distracted on my way to class, nearly tripping over a guy's book bag as I walked past him.

"Easy there," he said, grabbing my elbow and steadying me. He smiled at me, his brown eyes crinkling at the corners. "You alright?"

"Yes, thanks. Sorry about that," I apologized. "I'm just a little distracted."

"It's alright. It's not every day I have a pretty girl throwing herself at me."

I laughed. "Thanks again. Gotta run to class." I smiled at him and left, but not before I saw him frown, as if disappointed that I was leaving.

I definitely did not need to make my love life any more complicated. Claire and Edward were more than enough. I was still feeling incredibly guilty about Claire. I wasn't sure how Edward really felt about it. I wondered if he'd been completely honest about his feelings. I sighed and focused on the front of the room when the professor started the lecture. I wouldn't even have a love life to worry about if I flunked out of school. Charlie would lock me in my room with my books and I'd never see the light of day. The least I could do was actually pay attention in my classes.

By the time my classes finally wrapped up for the day, I was anxious to see Claire again. I knocked lightly on her half open door when I got back to the dorm and Julie answered. "Hey, Bella."

"Hey, Julie. Um, is Claire around? We had plans . . ."

She smiled. "She ran to the Union to grab some stamps. She said she'd be right back, I'll tell her you're home when she gets back."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

I left the door to my room open and checked my email quickly. Nothing from Edward. I frowned, wondering if he was busy or if he was upset with me. I looked up in surprise when I heard my door shut.

"Hey there," Claire said.

"Hey."

"So how distracted were you today?" she asked and kissed me.

"Pretty distracted," I admitted, reaching to cup her ass and shift her closer to me. "I tripped over a guy on the way to my first class."

She laughed and kissed me again. "Mmm, just imagine if he'd known what you were thinking about." I moaned when her hand skimmed across my breast.

"Yeah, I bet he would have been in shock."

"And aroused." She scraped her teeth across my neck. "And are you wet from thinking about me?" Her hand moved to the apex of my thighs and cupped me. "I know I am." I slipped her shirt off and she stood up to take off her jeans, while I wriggled out of mine.

"Take the rest off, too," she ordered and I obeyed, stripping completely. She left her pale lavender bra and panties on, and pushed me gently back into the chair and dropped to her knees in front of me.

"Mmm, you're wet baby, aren't you?" she purred and hooked my legs over the arms of the chair, spreading them wide. "That's so hot." Her thumbs parted my wet flesh and she lightly ran a finger through the arousal there. Her finger slid a little way into me and I moaned.

She moved it further inside of me and I circled my hips, needing to feel more.

"What about you?" I gasped. "Did you spend all day thinking about doing this to me?"

"Mmm, yes." She pulled her finger out of me and brought it to her lips, glistening wet with my arousal. "I wanted to taste you." She slipped it into her mouth and she sucked it clean, taking her time. "Mmm, you taste so good." She made no move to touch me and I brought my hands down

to my spread thighs to relieve the ache there.

"No, that's for me to play with." She swatted my hands away. I moaned with frustration and she dragged her hand down across my wetness again. This time she slid two fingers into me and pushed hard. I gasped and bucked against her hand.

"You like that, don't you?" she teased. "I think maybe you should get a dildo tonight that I can fuck you with." I moaned loudly and pressed my hips upwards to meet her thrusting fingers.

"You like that, too, hmm? Do you want me to fuck you with it while I lick your clit or do you want me to get a strap-on?"

I moaned again. "Fuck, I don't care, either, both."

She thrust her fingers into me harder and I gasped. My stomach muscles started to clench.

"Please, Claire, I need to come," I begged and she dropped down to flick at my clit with her tongue. The sudden assault, combined with her fingers roughly thrusting in and out, sent me over the edge, and I cried out, holding her head to my body.

We cleaned up a little and re-dressed. I couldn't resist placing a quick kiss on her bare shoulder before she slipped her shirt back on.

She took my hand when we got out of the car and I squeezed her fingers, she turned her head and smiled at me. I was surprised when we stepped into the store. It was clean and bright, nothing like the dingy, seedy, hole-in-the-wall I'd expected. It was immaculate and tasteful, and looked more like a high end clothing boutique than a sex shop. We wandered through racks of gorgeous lingerie and were greeted by a very pretty girl at the counter who asked if we needed any help.

Claire shook her head, "No, we're just browsing, but thanks."

"Let me know if you have any questions. I'm Heidi by the way."

"Thanks, Heidi, we will," I answered and we made our way back to the toy section. They carried everything from condoms and flavored lube, to nipple clamps and floggers. I spent a moment just gawking at the selection.

"Have you ever been here before?" I asked, as we wandered through the displays.

"Once, for my cousin's bachelorette party. We made her a penis cake and she wore a penis tiara when we went bar hopping."

I laughed. "Wow, that had to be embarrassing."

She chuckled. "She thought it was hilarious. We wouldn't have done it otherwise."

"That's good." I made a face. "I can totally see Alice doing that to me."

She laughed and agreed.

We stopped in front of a display of dildos and vibrators. I stared in awe for a moment, overwhelmed by the sheer number available. They came in every color, size, and shape.

"Wow," I finally managed.

"I know." She giggled. "It's kind of overwhelming."

"No kidding. I don't even know where to start."

"Hmm, well do you want to try a vibrator or a dildo?"

"I don't know. Both?"

She grinned at me. "Let's start with the dildo. Do you want realistic, semi-realistic, or abstract?"

"Um, semi-realistic I guess. I'm kind of creeped out by the really realistic ones and the animal shapes are just weird. I don't think I want a dolphin in my pussy."

She laughed. "Fair enough. Now what size?" She gestured toward the section of semi-realistic ones. I examined them closely. Some were pathetically small and others obscenely large. I blanched at the thought of the one that appeared nearly horse sized.

"Medium I guess?"

"Hmm, that still leaves an awful lot of choices," she mused. "What size is Edward?"

I blushed. "Um, larger I guess, within human range anyway." I pointed to one on the shelf.

She raised an eyebrow at me. "No wonder you're so into him. Damn Bella, that's quite a cock."

I giggled. "You aren't kidding." I took the display item off the shelf and examined it. It was made of silicone, rather solid and substantial feeling, but with some give to it. "I kind of like this one." I put the display back on the shelf and picked up a box containing a purple one. "It's kind of pretty," I admitted.

She laughed. "It's sparkly."

"It's more shimmery than sparkly," I protested.

"Whatever, you know you're into sparkly peen."

I laughed and swatted at her ass. "Shut up, what do you want to get?"

"A vibrator I think." She walked over to the display of them and I followed. "I used to have one, but I broke it."

I laughed. "Over use?"

"Totally." She grinned and picked up a shiny silver one. "This looks like fun."

"Mmm, yes." I felt my nipples tighten through the thin fabric of my shirt and Claire eyed me speculatively.

"I really want to get you back to the dorm," she whispered.

"Yeah, me, too. Is this the one you want then?" I gestured to the one she was holding and she shrugged.

"I dunno. Let me keep looking."

"Okay." She finally settled on a rabbit vibe, which was insanely expensive, but we had both heard great things about it and were curious to try it.

"Is there anything else you want to get?" I asked.

"A harness, I think. I really want to fuck you with that dildo," she whispered the last part huskily in my ear. I felt my inner thighs grow damp with my arousal and I couldn't hold back a shiver. "Unless you don't want to," Claire said, hesitantly and I realized she mistook my shiver for revulsion.

"No, I'd like that, too, trust me." I took a step forward and wound my fingers through hers and whispered, "I am so wet just thinking about it."

She smiled and brushed her fingers across the sliver of bare skin where my jeans met my shirt. I shivered again and followed her over to the harness section. The number they had on display was staggering. We read descriptions on packages and inspected half a dozen, completely bewildered.

"Do you guys need some help?"

I glanced over at Heidi gratefully and nodded. "Yeah. To be honest, I have no idea what I want."

She smiled kindly at me. "I know. There are so many options. First time buying one?"

"Um, yeah," I admitted and Claire nodded in agreement.

"First time using one maybe?"

"That, too."

"Alright, well I need to know if you want one that has a dildo attached or is removable." My inner twelve year old snickered at the thought of a removable penis.

"Um, removable I guess. We'd like to use it with this one actually." I held up the box I'd picked up earlier and she grinned.

"That's a great choice, it's very versatile, you can definitely use it in a harness, plus the vibe aspect is killer."

"Vibe?" I frowned, confused.

"Yeah, there's a tiny little lipstick vibe that inserts in the base. See, it's right there in the package." She pointed at the small vibrator tucked in the corner and I grinned.

"I totally missed that. Thanks."

"No prob. So let me find a harness for that one." She flipped through the ones on display before pulling out a black one. "I love this one. My girlfriend says it's really comfortable and there are a variety of rings you can use to hold the dildo in place, depending on the diameter of the dildo."

Claire inspected it and asked a few questions about how it worked. I could almost see her engineer brain working. "I like it, what do you think, Bella?" She smiled at me.

"I think it sounds perfect."

"Alright, are you all set then?" Heidi asked.

"I think so."

We went up to the counter and she rang up my purchases. She slipped a handful of packets into the bag and smiled at me when I gave her a questioning look. "Some flavored lube and toy cleaner. Plus there are care instructions for the toy."

"Thanks."

She smiled at me again and handed me the plain black bag. It was elegant and simple, but nondescript enough that only someone who had shopped at the store before would recognize it. I inspected the array of condoms and lubes on the counter, while Claire paid for the harness, and vibrator. Heidi hesitated before she handed Claire the bag. "Let me grab one more thing for you."

We gave each other a puzzled look but waited patiently until she returned with a blank DVD case in her hand. "This is a really hot DVD my girlfriend and I love. It's free, we had a few that got damaged in our last shipment. The disc is fine, but the cover was totally trashed so we can't sell them. Give it a shot; I think you two might really like it."

"Thanks, that's so generous. And thanks for all of the help."

"You're welcome. Have a great night; I think you'll have a lot of fun." She winked and we left the store laughing. We climbed into Claire's car and sat there for a moment, staring at each other.

"Wow," she finally said.

"I know."

She leaned forward and kissed me. I moaned into her mouth and I desperately wanted to be back in my room right then. I pulled away and whispered, "Drive back now."

She nodded and hurriedly backed out of the parking spot. She drove faster than I'd ever seen her go and she hastily parked in front of the dorm.

"We really aren't supposed to park here," I reminded her, but she grinned and shrugged.

"I really don't care if I get a ticket. I want you, Bella."

I felt my nipples harden beneath my bra and I opened the car door. We both walked quickly up to my room and I nearly slammed the door behind me.

"Damn, I need to taste you." She ripped my shirt off and deftly unhooked my jeans, unzipping them, and sliding them off of me before it really registered. She pulled me down onto the bed and parted my legs, burying her face in my wetness. I gasped and ground back against her. She brought me to a quick climax and then rummaged around in the bag we brought home. "Which do you want to try? The vibe or the dildo?"

"Both," I gasped, still aroused and aching.

She slipped the batteries into the small vibrator and turned it on. It hummed quietly and I parted my legs in anticipation. She softly touched it to my sensitive skin and I jerked, surprised by the feel of it. She held it against my outer lips and as I grew used to the sensation, I moaned. My skin tingled and I felt my hips move to encourage her touch.

"Do you like that?" she asked.

"It's amazing." I said, then gasped. She moved it up and down my slit but never quite high enough to touch my clit. My hips moved restlessly on the bed, wanting more. She pushed gently and it slid between my lips, and I moaned. She continued her slow teasing and I felt my skin flush and the arousal dripped from me, until I could feel it soaking the sheet beneath me. I closed my eyes, concentrating on the sensation and when Claire moved the vibrator to touch my clit directly, I came apart. I gasped loudly and moaned, my hips rising to meet her hand as my thighs clamped tightly together before finally relaxing. Before I had even come down from the orgasm, I felt Claire slide the dildo between my lips and just inside my entrance. I moaned lowly and spread my legs wider. A strangled 'yes' was the only sound I could manage to make and she continued to press it into me. When it was fully inside of me, I could feel her fingers brush my skin where they were wrapped around the base. I circled my hips, enjoying the fullness inside of me. I reached down to take the vibrator from her other hand and circled my clit with it experimentally. At first, she moved the dildo in and out slowly and my hips rocked gently to meet her thrusts. I moaned loudly as my orgasm built more strongly than before. She sped up and I welcomed it eagerly, moving with her to find my pleasure.

I pressed the vibrator tight up against my clit just as she thrust inside of me. I came with a loud shuddering gasp and pulled the vibrator away from my suddenly too sensitive skin. Claire gently removed the dildo and I gasped. Small after-shocks of pleasure ricocheted through me and left me momentarily stunned.

Once I had pulled myself together, I sat up and reached for the bag of toys, pulling out the rabbit vibe that Claire had bought and gently pushed her back onto the bed. Her eyes gleamed with anticipation and I turned it on, getting a feel for how it worked. She came quickly, and hard, and after the second time, she weakly pushed away my hand, nearly sobbing from the pleasure.

**~BC~**

We spent the rest of the weekend in bed. It rained, buckets and buckets of rain, and my room was cozy and warm. Saturday we didn't even bother to study at all. Instead, we spent hours slowly, teasingly bringing each other to pleasure. When I reached into the bag beside the couch for flavored lube to try out, I remembered the DVD that Heidi had included.

"So, do you wanna watch?" I waved it at Claire and her eyes sparkled at me.

"Ooh, I completely forgot about that. Yes!"

I played it on my laptop and we both found ourselves quickly aroused. The premise was simple enough, a handful of very pretty girls on a luxury boat, getting each other off. But it was well filmed and instead of lame dialogue there was really good music playing. It wasn't long before I found my fingers wandering to touch my highly sensitized flesh and I realized Claire was doing the same.

"This is so hot," she moaned.

"I know." I leaned over to gently capture her nipple between my teeth.

"Mmm, Bella."

"Sit up." She sat up with a confused half-smile on her face. I moved until I was sitting behind her and she reclined between my parted legs. I could reach down to play with her clit with one hand and her nipple with another, while we both watched the movie. She moaned and pressed back against me, inadvertently stimulating my clit.

"Fuck, Claire," I moaned and rocked against her, thrusting my fingers deeper inside of her.

Eventually, we were too worked up to even pay attention to the movie and we turned so we were furiously fucking each other with our fingers. We licked, sucked, and bit at each other, trying to relieve the desperate desire. We both came hard, my climax hitting just shortly after hers.

The next day, she distracted me while I was trying to study. I had my nose buried in my lit book and she was supposed to be working on stuff for one of her calc classes. Instead, I felt soft fingers working their way up the backs of my thighs.

"Need a break?"

I turned over to look at her and raised an eyebrow. "Not really."

She pouted. "But we haven't tried the harness yet." Her fingers brushed across the seam of my shorts to play with my rapidly dampening pussy.

I tossed the lit book on the floor and pushed my pen and notebook after it.

"I'll take that as a yes." She giggled.

"I think you can read minds." I teased, crawling across the bed to kiss her. Our tongues tangled in a heated kiss and she continued to tease me, her fingers sliding through my wetness with ease. I kissed my way down her neck to suck on her nipple, until it was straining through the thin white fabric.

"Uhhh," she moaned. "I want to fuck you."

"How do you want me?"

"On all fours," she begged and I sat up to strip out of my clothes while she did the same. I lay back, watching her attach the toy to the harness and slip into it. There was something hot about the black material against her bare skin. Despite the surreal picture of Claire with a silicone cock, I found myself aroused. When she was ready, I moved so I was on my hands and knees, and she reached down to slide her fingers inside of me, and then quickly out. I glanced behind me to see her covering the dildo with my wetness and I moaned at the sight. She rested her other hand on my hip and slowly teased my opening with the toy. I eagerly pressed back against her and she carefully slid it into me until, I could feel the front of her thighs pressed against the back of mine.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"Mmm, it's good," I groaned and she gently pulled out a little ways before sliding back in. She was tentative at first, wanting to get a feel for it, but as her confidence increased so did her speed.

"That looks so fucking hot, Bella," she said, her right hand coming to rest on my hip so she had better leverage.

A few moments later, she paused and I felt her fumbling with something. It wasn't until I felt the vibrations begin that I realized what she was doing. I cried out in surprise and pleasure. The vibration combined with the fullness and thrusting, threw me over the edge. My body clenched around the toy and my head fell onto the pillow below me. She went rigid behind me, her body shaking as she rode out her own orgasm. I was dizzy with pleasure and never wanted our weekend together to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Do you understand why I cut the chapter?
> 
> -And I have to know, did you think it was hot?
> 
> And if anyone wants to know what the video was called or what toys they used...let me know and I'll send you a link.


	57. Outtake: Under My Skin (Claire's POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Claire's POV, it covers her meeting Edward on Spring Break, and discusses her feelings for Bella and John, and how things with Bella end.
> 
> Even if you weren't very into her pairing with Bella, the actual lemony portion between them in this chapter is brief and the focus is really on her feelings. Please consider reading it, I think it gives you a lot of info into how she felt.
> 
> After this chapter, there is one more from Edward's POV, and then the epilogue!

**Outtake: Under My Skin (Claire's POV)**

I've got you under my skin

I've got you deep in the heart of me

So deep in my heart, that you're really a part of me

I've got you under my skin

I've tried so hard not to give in

I've said to myself this affair will never go so well

But why should I try to resist, when baby will I know so well

That I've got you under my skin

I'd sacrifice anything come what might

For the sake of having you near

In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night

And repeats, repeats in my ear

Don't you know little fool, you never can win

Use your mentality, wake up to reality

But each time I do, just the thought of you

Makes me stop before I begin

'Cause I've got you under my skin

-"Under My Skin" by Cole Porter

* * *

I was in a shitty mood when I showed up at the party. John was once again being an ass and I was tired of the games he kept playing. The last thing I wanted was to cause problems with his friendship with my brother. But the fact that he'd occasionally relent and kiss me, or fall asleep with his arms around me on the couch, or give me a desperate quick and dirty orgasm drove me insane. I hated that I even let him. But I loved him, and no matter how frustrating he could be, nothing would change that.

I was shocked to see Bella at Ben's house. Although, considering the fact that his girlfriend Angela went to high school with her, maybe I shouldn't have been. Bella didn't notice me at first, and I took a moment to watch her. She was standing beside a tall guy, and I couldn't see much more than the long, lean frame of his body as he bent slightly to talk to her. He finally turned toward me far enough that I could see him in profile and it only took me a moment to realize it was Edward. Holy shit he was hot. She'd showed me pictures and he was quite possibly one of the most gorgeous guys I had ever seen. Just because I was in love with John didn't mean that I couldn't appreciate someone else. And he was spectacular. It was the look on his face that staggered me though. He loved her, with every fiber of his being. They were holding hands and the look of naked, desperate desire in his eyes shocked me.

There was something going on between Bella and me, but she seemed a little hesitant, and I could see why now. The same helpless longing was reflected in her eyes when she looked at him. I'd wanted to see where things might go with her but I suspected that since he came home to visit her on break, they'd be together by the end. I was disappointed. I had hoped to explore things more with her, but if it didn't happen, I'd survive.

I walked over to say hi to her and the look of surprise and worry that flickered across her face made me regret even coming over. She moved as though to pull away from Edward, but he didn't let go of her hand, and I saw her thumb stroke across the back of it and he relaxed almost immediately. She took a deep breath and gently tugged on his hand and he let hers go.

She hugged me and I noticed the vanilla and strawberry scent that clung to her. I always had the overwhelming urge to flick my tongue against her skin to see if she tasted like it too. But from the way Edward was glowering at me and the way he took her hand again immediately, I suspected I would cause all sorts of problems if I did that. Bella awkwardly introduced us and he was polite but distant. He did not look thrilled to have me around. I wasn't entirely sure why they weren't in a relationship. Bella talked like she wasn't sure of his feelings for her, but they were plain as day to me. He was in love with her and he was unhappy with my interest in her. I didn't want to cause problems for them, so I excused myself and went to get a drink. Julie followed in a daze.

"Are you alright?" I asked her.

She blinked at me. "I just cannot get over how hot he is ... it's ... ridiculous."

I laughed. "Edward?"

"Yeah. Wow."

"Yeah, he's hot," I admitted.

"But you want Bella." She gave me a searching look.

"Yeah ... I don't know, there's definitely something there, but she clearly has a lot going on."

"Are we talking about a crush or something more?"

"I'm sure we could be something more, the potential for it is certainly there. But if it doesn't go anywhere ..." I shrugged. "I can live with it. Although I swear to god, if the universe cock blocks and twat blocks me, there are going to be repercussions. Shit, I need to go toy shopping."

Julie laughed. "You poor baby."

"Go to hell. Just because you have some stud in your physics class wrapped around your finger ..."

Julie snickered and we talked about other things for the night. But I noticed that it wasn't long before Bella left with Edward. I sighed and tipped back another drink. Another night of going back to the dorm and spending a half hour in the showers trying not to picture Bella's head between my thighs. Fantastic.

**~BC~**

I didn't see either of them for several days and I wondered if they had gone back to his place in Port Angeles. I vaguely remembered hearing Bella say something about him having a house there. My frustration mounted as the week progressed. Needing to unwind I went to the guys' house and spent an hour in the hot tub relaxing.

I felt better after, and I curled up on the couch there to watch a few movies before I headed back to the dorm. Mike and John were both out, and I didn't mind having the place to myself. But halfway through the movie, Mike and Jessica came back. They had been on again off again for a couple of months now. She seemed nice, and good for him, but I knew Mike was in no hurry to settle down and she didn't seem to be either. I tuned out them groping each other all the way up the stairs to his bedroom and turned up the volume so I didn't have to overhear anything. I had just put on a second movie when John got back home. He stepped into the living room and looked surprised to see me.

"Oh, hey, Claire, I didn't realize you were here."

"I came to unwind and Mike is upstairs with Jessica."

He nodded and stared at me for a moment, his fingers tugging on the hem of his t-shirt. He always did that when he was nervous about something. I stared back, liking that I could take my time looking at him. I always felt so furtive and guilty when Mike was around and I checked him out. He had pale skin, much paler than mine, and his hair was nearly black. He wasn't particularly tall, maybe 5'11", and fairly thin. But he ran track for the university and he was in great shape. His eyes were a dark shade of brown and he had a faint smattering of freckles across his nose. He hated them and complained they made him look too girly, but he was gorgeous. He had thick dark lashes and bright, even white teeth when he smiled. I swallowed hard, knowing just how amazing his lips felt against mine.

Some days I wanted to shake him I was so frustrated with him. We were good together, even great together, but he wouldn't do anything. I stretched out my legs and I saw him glance at me, his eyes lingering on them. They were bare in the shorts I'd slipped on after the hot tub. I had been running more, and working out at the university IMA building. I wanted to join crew and I knew I'd need to be in better shape. My hard work was paying off and from the appreciative way he was eyeing my legs, John thought so, too. I didn't have the patience to deal with his hot and cold moods though, and I went into the kitchen to get something to eat. I had just put a packet of popcorn in the microwave when I realized John had followed me. I closed my eyes and stayed where I was, goose bumps forming on my arms where I could feel his heat behind me.

"Claire," he whispered.

I clutched the counter in front of me. "I can't keep doing this, John."

"I know." He swallowed hard. "I don't know how much longer I can stay away from you though."

"Then don't."

I went to turn around but his hands settled on my hips and he leaned into me, brushing his lips across my neck.

"Stay there," he whispered.

"John ..." I sighed, frustrated and desperate all at once.

"Just let me touch you," he begged, and when his fingers slid under the waistband of my shorts, I sagged back against him. I knew I should stop him but between the built up tension from my unfulfilled interest in Bella and the desire that always raced through me at his touch, I couldn't resist any longer.

I sighed and relaxed back against his chest. "Please, John ... please touch me."

His fingers moved beneath the cotton underwear I wore and slipped between my lips. I was wet already and I heard his breathing hitch.

"Christ, Claire ..."

"I know," I moaned quietly.

Aware that we were not alone in the house his fingers moved quickly to my clit, spreading wetness across it and I bucked hard into his hand. He circled it firmly and I felt my legs begin to shake. It never took him long to work me up into a frenzy and it was no different this time. By the time his fingers had moved inside me I was nearly ready to come. When I did, I shuddered against him and I clamped a hand over my mouth to quiet the cries. A warm flush covered my body as my orgasm hit. I sagged against his hard body and he pressed me against the counter. The fingers on his other hand moved to my tits and within minutes he brought me to another orgasm, with two fingers inside me and his palm grinding into my clit. My legs were weak and shaky by the time he pulled his hand away and I fell forward on the counter, my head on my forearm.

"Fuck, Claire," he said quietly. "Do you know how much I want to be in your pussy right now?"

"Do it," I begged. "Please, John; stop tormenting me like this ..."

"I shouldn't ..."

I turned to face him and I felt him hard and needy against my stomach.

"I don't care what you think we should do, I want you so fucking bad."

"Claire ..." he said, his voice warning me that he was getting irritated.

"Don't you at least want me to get you off?" I asked seductively. I grasped his cock in my hand and squeezed gently. He groaned quietly.

"No. I'll take care of it."

"But I want-"

"I know," he sighed. "But I don't feel as guilty if it's just me getting you off."

"Just tell him."

"I can't ..."

"God dammit, John," I whispered angrily. "I am so sick of this. You need to make up your fucking mind."

"I know I do, baby. I'm sorry. You deserve better." He pulled me into his arms and I cried quietly against his neck. We had reached the same impasse we always did. And once again, we were both miserable. After my tears finally stopped, I didn't pull away, just enjoyed the feeling of him holding me. I was tired of furtive caresses and secret affection. I just wanted to be held and not have it be something I was supposed to feel ashamed of.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against my cheek.

"I know."

"What the hell are you two doing?" Mike yelled and we jumped apart. "Turn off the fucking microwave."

"Sorry!" I yelled back once I realized he was still at the top of the stairs and hadn't actually seen anything. I hastily stopped the beeping microwave and pulled the popcorn out, tossing it on the counter. I didn't even want it anymore.

I was still angry and frustrated and I left the house shortly after. John apologized again and tried to kiss me goodbye, but I was too annoyed to let him. I drove back to the dorm and went for a run, needing to release the never-ending tension that had been building up inside me.

It wasn't until I was back, had showered, and crawled into bed that I heard them. It wasn't excessively loud, but I heard Edward cry out Bella's name softly. The window in my room was cracked open and I assumed hers was as well. I could hear her soft sounds of pleasure and the deeper sounds he made. Julie had left to go home for a few days so I had the room to myself. I found myself sliding my hand into my shorts to touch my body, aroused by the sounds they were making. I felt momentarily guilty, but I couldn't believe how hot it was to hear him bring her pleasure.

I couldn't help but picture myself there with them, Bella licking my pussy while Edward fucked her. I came quickly and hard, and felt more frustrated after than I had before the orgasm. I heard quiet murmurings as they drifted into sleep and I threw my pillow across the room in irritation that I was sleeping alone, once again. I didn't know how much longer I could keep doing what I was doing with John. I was tired of the games he kept playing with me.

Eventually I fell into an exhausted sleep only to wake up to Edward and Bella again. I didn't hear them speak, just heard her gasps and his quiet groans. I got myself off again, jealous of the freedom they had together, and unsure if it was that I wanted someone like Edward for myself, or if it was Bella, I was lusting after. My mind felt fuzzy and jumbled and I tossed and turned for a while after. Eventually, I slept again; but had weird dreams and in the morning, I packed a bag and went to visit my parents for a few days. I couldn't take another night of overhearing Edward and Bella or of John's increasingly frustrating behavior.

**~BC~**

I was shocked when Bella admitted that she and Edward still weren't together. I had been sure he was going to pour his heart out to her. But I wasn't entirely disappointed either. I had reached my limit with John. The night Bella drank herself into oblivion, John tried to feel me up in the hot tub, and I told him to fuck off. I was tired of his games and I knew I deserved better. I decided to see where things would go with Bella and was thrilled when she decided she was interested, too. We tentatively explored each other at first and I nearly cried with pleasure when we were finally naked and intertwined in the bed together. I felt bad for passing out on her almost immediately after she went down on me without having a chance to reciprocate. But I had been so tightly wound that I hadn't been sleeping well and the release was staggering.

The next few days were blissful. Being with someone who was openly willing to touch me and eager to explore the attraction between us, felt so good after bottling things up for so long. I threw myself into enjoying Bella and after years of being furtive and hiding, it felt good to kiss her out in public and not have her flinch and tell me we couldn't. To sit at a table and have lunch without looking over our shoulders for Mike was a relief. For the first time in over a year, there was someone to fall asleep next to. Someone who was enthusiastic about letting me give them pleasure. I wasn't in love with her, but it was heady to be so unashamed about my desire for her. Maybe we went a little overboard, wanting to touch and taste each other every second we got, but in the back of my mind, I knew our time was finite. Edward would declare himself or Bella would feel too guilty, and we would end. I was resigned to it.

I knew there was the potential for something more with Bella, but I couldn't ever see it happening. I tried to see a future with her but it was fuzzy and unformed. There was always some obstacle in the way. So I relaxed and let myself enjoy the time I did have with her. The only dim moment in the blissful days was John, his hurt look when he stumbled in on Bella and I, had been like a knife to the heart. I didn't want to cause him pain. Although, there was a sick, vindictive moment, where I felt like he deserved it. He deserved it for stringing me along all of these years. It hadn't been bad at first, we'd flirted and shared a fairly innocent kiss or two and then sighed and agreed it might cause problems with Mike. Despite being younger than me, Mike had always been very protective of me. He was never fond of most of my boyfriends and I knew John was worried that it would end their friendship. Of course I didn't want that, but it grew harder and harder to pretend that it wasn't breaking my heart. After things had ended with my last boyfriend, John and I had fallen asleep on the couch together one night when Mike was gone for a couple of days. Waking up in his arms, had felt so good, so right, and I had finally admitted to myself that I was in love with him. And the teasing touches and desperate kisses had grown more frequent. It was tearing me apart to not be with him.

So I tried to call him and apologize for what happened with Bella but he wouldn't answer his phone. When I went to the house to talk to him he ignored me. After a few days I gave up and figured he'd talk when he wanted to, and in the meantime I should just enjoy Bella. One night, I sat myself down with the mountains of Calculus I had to work on and was startled by a knock on the door around dinnertime. Thinking maybe Bella had gotten back from the library early; I opened the door with a smile. "Hey, gorgeous."

I blinked in surprised when I realized it was John and not Bella in front of me.

"John?" I said; hardly believe he was really there in front of me.

"Who were you expecting?" he snarled.

"Bella. What are you doing here?" I asked.

He pushed past me into the room and shut the door behind him. "I need to talk to you."

"You have a funny way of showing it. You've been ignoring me since last weekend."

"I needed some time to think."

"I am tired of everything being on your terms, John," I snapped. "This is my life, too."

"Shit, I know, Claire. It just hurt to see you with her."

"You don't get to be jealous."

"I'm just supposed to smile and watch you with someone else?"

"You think I don't hate the girls you fuck?"

He shrugged and began pacing around the small room. "They're just to get off. And you know I haven't' been with anyone in months."

"That's not the point. You have your ways of getting off and so do I."

"I don't believe for a second that Bella's just a way to get off."

"You're right, she isn't."

"So what, you're a lesbian now?"

I scoffed. "I don't care what I am. Bella's a girl, but that doesn't make a bit of difference to me."

"And what, you two are going to live happily ever after and run off to Connecticut to get married some day?"

"I could you know," I spat. "I could be happy with her. Bella wants me, and she isn't ashamed of it. She isn't hiding it. I am so fucking tired of being your dirty little secret."

"You aren't my dirty little secret, Claire. I don't think that at all." He sounded appalled.

"Well, _I feel that way_. And it isn't fair to me. I want a relationship and you don't. Unless you're ready to man up and tell my brother we're together, you need to stay away from me."

"You're giving me an ultimatum?"

"It's not an ultimatum. I wouldn't do that to you. I'm telling you how I have to deal with this to preserve my own sanity. I can't go on like this. Nothing can happen between us if we aren't in a relationship. It hurts me too much. It's not healthy John."

"Claire ..." he pleaded.

"No. I deserve better than this John. Please go."

"I love you."

I swallowed hard, pissed that he had chosen that moment to say the words we'd been biting back. "I love you, too, John, but that's not enough. I'm sorry."

"I'll tell him. I want to be in a relationship with you, Claire. I can't see you with someone else. I can't do it. I don't want to fuck things up with Mike, but losing you is even worse."

I stared at him in shock. "Do you really mean it?"

He nodded and held his arms out. I went into his arms and he squeezed me tight. "I love you, Claire, and I don't want to lose you."

"I'm still pissed at you," I muttered against the soft fabric of his t-shirt.

"I know. I've treated you like shit. But give me a chance."

We talked for a while longer and he kissed me slowly and sweetly before he left my room. I sat there for a while, thinking about what I was going to say to Bella. Despite the fact that I was eager to be with John and I had never expected things with Bella to last, I was hurting.

The moment she walked in the door, I teared up. I hesitated and she encouraged me to talk. She was hurt, disappointed, and I was surprised to find myself sobbing. When she told me we couldn't still be friends it confirmed what I'd been feeling all along.

More than I'd miss her as a lover, I'd miss her friendship. After she left with a tearful kiss goodbye, I wondered if it had been worth it. I'd gained a relationship with John, but lost Bella in the processes. I'd probably always wonder what would have happened if she and I had ended up together. But when John put his arm around me and kissed me for the first time in front of Mike, I felt a warm glow begin inside me. And when he made love to me and we woke up together the next morning, I knew I had made the right decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Do you understand Claire's feelings better now?
> 
> -What do you think about her relationship with John?


	58. Outtake – Help Yourself (EPOV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, this is the final outtake before the two part epilogue!
> 
> I really love this chapter, it tells us more about Edward's relationship with his friend Kate. Although from Bella's perspective, she wasn't really much a character in this story, there was quite a bit that happened behind the scenes and she and Edward are quite close.
> 
> The first portion will show you what happened when Edward left Bella's dorm for his mysterious errand on break.
> 
> And the second part is his birthday, with a flashback to how he and Kate met initially.

**Outtake – Help Yourself**

When I walk in your shoes

I understand a man confused

There must have been but I don't care

I feel the way your soul does there

Darling they empathize

Looking through your bloodshot eyes

And I know you, you're so frustrated

Above we all become what we once hated

Be slight nobody can be that wise

I can't help you if you won't help yourself

I can't help you if you don't help yourself

You can only get so much from someone yeah

You can get so much from me

I can't help you if you won't help yourself

You've got a degree in philosophy

So you think, you're cleverer than me

But I'm not just some drama queen

'Cos it's where you're at not where you've been

So what do you expect from me

To hold your head above the sea

And there are you even though you're bigger

'Cos don't you know, you crush my tiny figure

And anyway we're still so young and this isn't yet the day

I can't help you if you won't help yourself

I can't help you if you don't help yourself

You can help so, you can only get so much from someone yeah

I can't help you if you won't help yourself

You might be twenty-five but in my mind

I see you at sixteen years or most of the time

And I'm, I'm just a child and you're full grown

And now I find nothing like I've ever known yeah

I like nothing that I ever do

-"Help Yourself" by Amy Winehouse

* * *

I tore myself away from Bella, reluctant to leave her for even a minute, but I needed advice. I'd texted Kate the night before to meet me at the music building and she was waiting for me when I got there.

"Edward!" She hugged me. Her long blond hair swirled around us, tickling my cheek, and I batted it away.

"Ugh, your hair drives me crazy, Katie."

"Yeah, well, your face drives me crazy, Eddie."

We laughed at the never-ending harassment we always gave each other and I hugged her tighter. I loved Kate like a sister. She was simultaneously a pain in the ass and one of my closest friends. "I've missed you."

"Missed you, too. I was so surprised you came back to Seattle for the week." She arched an eyebrow at me questioningly.

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. C'mon, let's go inside."

We settled in one of the couches in the lounge area just inside the building and I dropped my bag on the ground with a sigh and leaned back.

"How's Tanya?"

"Gorgeous as always."

"You guys are doing good?"

"Of course we are. What's going on, Edward?"

"It's Bella…" I sighed.

"Ahh yes, your mystery brunette. Why haven't I met her yet?"

I shrugged. "It's not my fault you didn't come to either the Halloween or New Year's Eve parties."

"Tanya and I went to visit her parents in Denali over winter break," she protested. "Although, I have to admit, I have no good excuse for Halloween. We planned to be at your party but she distracted me with a schoolgirl outfit and we never made it out of the bedroom."

"Then don't bitch at me about not meeting Bella. She was at both."

"I know."

"So, what's going on?"

"I'm not sure how to deal with what's going on with her. She's completely skittish about starting a relationship and I think she's falling for another girl."

Kate gave me a startled look. "She's why you came back then?"

"Yes. I've made a mess of things, Katie."

"Tell me."

I told her the entire story- start to finish, and she rubbed her hands over her face. "Oh, Edward, you don't make it easy on yourself, do you?"

I chuckled. "No, I don't."

"So, you came back to stake your claim on her."

"I was hoping for the more romantic idea of telling her I loved her, but yes."

"But now you're not sure."

"I can tell there's something going on with her and Claire. That's why I wanted your perspective on it."

"Edward…"

"Just give it to me, Katie, please."

"Take everything I say with a grain of salt, I don't know her, and I don't know Claire. All I know is my history. But yeah, it does sound like there's a genuine curiosity there."

"So what the hell do I do?"

"Well, you could try talking about it. I know that would be a new and novel concept for you two." She rolled her eyes. "You can't force her into a relationship, Edward. And I hate to say it, but if she is unsure, it might be hanging over your heads. Even if her interest in women wanes, you're going to always wonder. I know you, you will."

"Probably," I admitted. "Could you talk to Bella about it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Several reasons. Number one, because you don't need an intermediary. What you two need is to actually talk. And number two, because I don't know Bella at all. Look, I know why it seems like a good idea- I've been there, struggled with it. But she has to decide on her own."

"So what do I do?"

"I can't tell you that, Edward. All I can tell you is that you need to be patient with her. It can be an agonizing thing to struggle with under the best of circumstances and if you care about someone else at the same time, it rips your heart in two. I loved Garrett, I really did. But Tanya is the love of my life. It's not impossible to care very deeply for more than one person, Edward. If she cares for Claire, it doesn't mean she loves you any less. Love isn't an all or nothing thing."

"I know that intellectually…"

"But emotionally it hurts. I get that, Edward, I really do, probably better than anyone else."

"I know you do."

"It's not always so black and white, or fifty fifty. I'd say I am probably ninety five percent lesbian. Garrett was my five percent. I loved him, it didn't matter what he had between his legs. Maybe Claire is Bella's five percent. But if she doesn't know, it could eat at her. And that will poison a relationship worse than anything else. I hate to say this, but you have to consider one other thing."

"What's that?"

"You have to consider the fact that Bella might not be it for you."

"I love her more than music, Katie. I am sure of this. If there were any way to make it happen I would have canceled the study abroad to be with her."

"You're very intense when you want something, Edward. Perhaps you're scaring her."

"I know I am," I admitted. "It's just so hard because I don't think she's there yet…and it kills me."

"Is it worth it for you to wait and see if she's ready for this kind of relationship, and for her to discover who and what she wants?"

"Anything is better than not having her at all."

She nodded and reached over to hug me. "Then have a little faith that it'll work out for you two. I know it's hard, but trust her."

"Thank you, Katie." I buried my face in her hair, so glad to have her as a friend. She was really the only girl I'd ever been close to and for a moment, I marveled at how similar she and Bella were. But even if Kate hadn't been a lesbian I wasn't sure we would have ever been more than friends. I trusted Kate, hell, I loved Kate, but even before I knew her sexual preferences, it never occurred to me to think of her in anything but a platonic way. I sat back and looked at her for a moment, feeling a little less agitated than I had been feeling lately. I would talk to Bella, and not push the relationship thing. She needed time; I just had to be patient while she worked it out for herself. I could do it. Maybe.

"Was this little chat the only reason you needed to see me?"

"Oh, no, I needed a favor."

"Two favors apparently," she teased me, flipping her hair over her shoulder. I knew I'd find long blonde hairs on my jacket when we parted. I always teased Katie that she marked me as belonging to her by shedding on me. She was always less than amused, saying she didn't appreciate being compared to a dog.

I wondered what Bella would think if she noticed it. For a moment, I considered the idea that it might make her jealous, but I wasn't about to play those kinds of games with her. _Simplify things, Edward,_ I told myself, _don't make them more complicated._

"Yeah, two favors. Could you help me record something?"

"Oh, sure. That would be fun. Do you want to do it now?"

"Yeah, I want to give it to Bella as a surprise."

She smiled. "That's a sweet gesture. You're surprisingly romantic, Edward."

"Apparently I have my moments." I smiled back. "C'mon, let's head to the studio."

The building had a very decent recording studio in the basement and Kate was familiar with it. She was majoring in vocal performance and the perfect person to help me.

"What song are you doing?"

"All that I Am."

"By Rob Thomas? Interesting choice."

"Uh, good interesting or bad interesting?"

"Good, just different. That's a pretty strong message, Edward."

"It feels right."

She nodded and we got to work. I ran through playing it once and then added in the vocals. She gave me a few suggestions and I made several notes for myself. The final product was better than I anticipated. I thanked Kate and gave her a big hug goodbye, promising to keep her updated on what was happening with Bella. I thought about our conversation more on the walk back to Bella's dorm.

Kate was right that I needed to talk to Bella. It wasn't going to be easy, she was so good at stepping around the issue. I don't think she even realized she did it. But I had to find a way to make some progress, even if I didn't flat out confess my feelings to her. It was hard, giving up on the idea of making her mine right that very second. But Kate was right. If Bella always had doubts about her feelings for Claire and her interest in women, it would be hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives. And I didn't have any doubts that Bella was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Bella wasn't the only one who needed closure on the issue. But how do you tell the person you love that it's okay for them to sleep with someone else, when every instinct tells you otherwise?

**~BC~**

I sighed and rolled over on the bed, not even bothering to check the time on the clock. I usually got up fairly early, but with classes done and Bella gone, I had no motivation whatsoever.

It was my own damn fault that she was gone, and I hated every minute of it.

Alice and Emmett had badgered me into celebrating my birthday, when all I wanted to do was stay home and wallow. When I told them I was in no mood to celebrate they'd both rolled their eyes at me.

"Edward, you're depressed, not dead. You can manage dinner with a few of your friends," Emmett grumbled.

Alice laughed. "Good luck, I've been trying to talk him into going out dancing for weeks."

"And I'll tell you again, Alice, I am in no mood to celebrate."

"Just dinner. No bar, no club. Just dinner with Alice, Jasper, Rose and I," Emmett promised.

I groaned. "Fine. I give up; I don't have the energy to argue anymore."

The two of them shared self-congratulatory smiles and I rolled my eyes.

"What about Bella?" Alice asked softly.

"What about her?" I asked, my voice sharper than I intended.

"Do you want me to invite her?"

"Of course I do. But…"

"It's only a few weeks shy of when you're supposed to talk again," Alice volunteered.

"I know." I rubbed my hands over my face. "But I don't want to screw this up more than I already have. Believe me, I want her there. Frankly, I want to see her and say to hell with it to the rest of you." Emmett laughed. "But I don't see any point in making things more awkward than they already are. I can't see her and not want to be with her, and we have way too much to figure out before that happens."

"So call her tomorrow. Your birthday isn't until this weekend."

"I can't." I swallowed hard. "I told her two months, and I know it's kind of arbitrary, but we're close enough to that date now that I want to just finish it."

"You're making this so complicated, Edward!" Alice huffed.

I completely understood Bella's warning that sometimes she just wanted to strangle Alice. _She's just trying to be helpful_ , I reminded myself. Fuck if I didn't want to wrap my hands around her skinny little neck, though. I closed my eyes and leaned back against the cushion on the couch.

"Look, let's just scrap the whole dinner and we won't have an issue."

"No. We're doing dinner," she said with a determined edge to her voice.

"Fine. Whatever, just tell me when and where to show up," I said, finally resigned to the idea. I lifted my head and looked at Alice and Emmett. "But I hate the idea that she'll be alone that night."

"I'll stay home with her," Rosalie offered. I turned to look at her and wondered how long she had been standing in the doorway to the living room. I nodded and smiled faintly in appreciation. She smiled back and I heaved a sigh of relief that Rosalie and I had found common ground in taking care of Bella. Rosalie came and took a seat on Emmett's lap and I blinked. I was still adjusting to the idea that they were together. Everyone else had seen them together in the last six months, but I had only seen them for a few weeks before I left. They were great together; I couldn't deny that. She seemed softer and happier. Emmett was practically giddy, which amused me to no end. I was less thrilled with the loud and enthusiastic sex I had to endure overhearing, but I figured once Bella and I worked things out we could always pay them back. She wasn't as quiet as she thought she was, and I always vaguely wondered how many of her neighbors in the dorms had heard us.

My heart clenched at the thought of her and I closed my eyes again while my friends' voices washed over me. With the exception of Bella, everyone I cared about was here. Well, almost everyone. I didn't even bother to open my eyes to speak. "Hey, invite Kate and Tanya to dinner, too, okay?"

"Sure man," Emmett said, sounding surprised.

The truth was, I wanted Kate's advice again. Although I knew she'd lecture me for how badly I'd fucked up, it was a price worth paying if it meant she could help. I thought back to the day Kate and I had met and I smiled to myself.

_Just off a messy ending with Jennie, I was doing my best to avoid women. It wasn't as though I desperately needed anyone, I was doing alright with my hand and some decent porn I'd downloaded to my laptop. It was the first day of my 200 level music theory class and I took a seat near the back of the room, mostly to avoid the row of giggling girls near the front. Two minutes before class was supposed to begin, a blonde girl dropped into the seat beside me and gave me a smile. There were rows of empty seats all around me and I groaned internally. Great, I'd have to convince this one to leave me the hell alone._

_It was so strange to me. I'd been pretty dorky in high school- not really picked on or anything, and I had a handful of good friends, but I'd never gone out on a date. I'd wanted to, there were plenty of girls I was interested in, but none that had actually been interested in me back. College had been a rather surprising change of pace. The summer before my freshman year, I'd grown into my gawky, lanky height and running had helped fill in the muscles. I'd finally figured out that ignoring the mess of hair on my head was easier than trying to tame it, and a change in my clothing had pulled it all together. It was still amusing to me that I had girls pursing me. I had to admit, being in a band had helped. I also had to admit, I'd taken advantage of that once or twice, although I wasn't really the one night stand type. I had fooled around with a few girls but I didn't like the idea of sleeping with a girl I'd never see again. Sophie had been a lifesaver. We lived in the same dorm together and wound up talking one night during a fire drill. Twenty minutes later, I was in her room and she was explaining that all she really wanted was a guy she could hook up with occasionally- not date. Twenty minutes after that, I was inside her. All things considered...it wasn't a bad first time. She was a fantastic lover, and open and up front about everything. She showed me that being intimate with someone didn't necessarily mean falling in love, and it made for an easy, pleasurable several months as I adjusted to being away at school._

" _Hi," a friendly voice spoke on my right. I turned in surprise, I'd been so lost in my thoughts I had completely forgotten the girl in the seat beside me. She had long, silky blonde hair and wide blue eyes. She was very pretty, but I really didn't have the energy to deal with her._

" _Hey."_

" _I'm Kate Tucker." She stuck her hand out and I shook it._

" _Edward Cullen."_

_She opened her mouth to say something else and I was grateful when the professor began his introduction and lecture. I was able to ignore her until the break and she spoke up again immediately. "I'm a vocal performance major, you?"_

" _History, theory, and composition."_

" _Oh wow, that's a hell of a workload," she exclaimed._

" _Yeah." I pulled out my phone, and made a pretense of checking it for new messages to put her off. I hated to stereotype, but vocal performance girls were some of the worst. They tended to think that they were far better singers than they were, and were destined to be the next big star. Very few of them were particularly focused on knowing the history or theory of music and thought they could get by on their looks. She chatted at me about her schedule for the semester and I rolled my eyes. I was going to have to do something drastic to get her to leave me alone._

_I bolted out of my seat the moment we were released and nearly jogged outside. I took a look around and didn't see her following me, so I slowed and began to walk to my next class. I was just a few yards from the door to the building when I saw her. Not Kate, but a statuesque girl with strawberry blonde curls and a chest I wanted to dive into. I would have sworn there were angels singing and devils cackling as she walked. She had an unbelievable body and she was wearing a pair of black, tight fitting dress pants and a red button down shirt that clung to every curve. A model couldn't have had a more perfect, confident strut and I stopped and stared at her in awe. She walked straight toward me with a smile and I felt myself flush. A girl like that… interested in me? I could definitely make an exception for her. I felt someone walk up to my side and stop. I heard Kate's voice but it took me a moment to shake myself out of the haze I'd been in since I'd seen the girl._

" _Gorgeous, isn't she?"_

" _Yeah," I sputtered. "Fuck...she's incredible."_

" _I know. Insane in bed, too." I turned to look at Kate in surprise. "She's my girlfriend."_

_With those parting words, she sauntered toward the strawberry blonde, who grabbed her and gave her a searing kiss that caused just about every guy in the vicinity to wonder if they'd died and gone to heaven._

_The following day when Kate sat down beside me I apologized immediately. "I am so sorry, Kate. I..."_

_She smirked. " Sorry for what? Assuming I was straight and hitting on you, or for blatantly ogling my girlfriend, Tanya?"_

" _Both? Although probably more sorry about the first one," I admitted._

_She laughed. "Fair enough. I'm not sure anyone can resist staring at her. I'll let you look." She gave me a cheeky grin and from that moment on, we were friends._

The week dragged, but soon enough my birthday was there. I dressed robotically, noticing the way I had to slip the belt into a tighter notch because I had lost so much weight. I missed the food in Italy and between that and my lack of appetite lately, I found it hard to be bothered to eat.

Thankfully, we went to a restaurant that had no connection to Bella whatsoever. I was grateful. I nodded at Emmett in thanks, knowing he had picked the place for that very reason, and he put his large hand on my shoulder. I took a deep breath and went inside, glad to see Kate and Tanya already there.

They both gave me a horrified look and scrambled out of the booth to hug me. I relaxed into it and squeezed them both tight.

We took our seats and somehow I ended up in the booth between the two of them.

"Well, you look like shit, Edward," Tanya said.

"Thanks. You're stunning as usual."

She smirked at me. "I know." She typically wore very well-tailored menswear, which should have made her look like your typical butch dyke, but she was too unabashedly feminine to ever call her that. She had a figure like a 1940s pinup girl with the long waves and red lipstick to match. That night she had on a pair of black pinstripe pants with a crisp white shirt and pinstripe vest as well. There was a stupendous amount of cleavage on display and I noticed Kate staring pointedly at it. They certainly hadn't lost their spark, despite having been together for years. I just hoped they wouldn't start groping each other-across me-during dinner.

Kate softly rubbed my arm and I turned to give her a warm smile. "I would ask how you're holding up, but…"

"Yeah, not good, Katie."

"I know hun." She squeezed my arm and I sighed. "I know I told you I wanted to stay out of it, but if things don't get resolved for the two of you, I may have to sit down and give you both a talking to."

I smiled at her. Compared to Tanya, Kate initially seemed soft and sweet, but there was plenty of steel under the honey and light. I didn't doubt that she'd put a significant amount of fear into both of us.

"We'll work it out, if she can forgive me anyway." I sighed deeply and even Tanya frowned and put her hand on mine.

"It's not easy, Edward, I know," she reassured me and I smiled at her gratefully. Alice and Jasper joined us a moment later and I was furious to see Rosalie behind them.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I hissed at her.

"Happy birthday, Edward," she said pointedly. "And I'm here, because your almost girlfriend told me to be. She told Alice that I needed to come and that she'd be fine."

Alice nodded. "I tried, Edward, but I think she wanted the time alone."

My stomach twisted at the thought of her alone tonight. _Better than her with someone else,_ I reminded myself, hating the words I'd flung at her before I left her dorm room.

I smiled tightly at Alice and nodded.

Rosalie leaned in to talk to me, I saw Tanya glance down her V-neck shirt in appreciation. She was the most sexually aggressive woman I had ever met. I had been surprised at first that Kate never seemed to mind her checking out other women and she had gently chided me about it.

"Just because I want to spend the rest of my life with her doesn't mean we can't appreciate other people. Get all worked up over someone else, then go home to the person you love and make them come until they pass out. It's a win-win, Edward. You get to enjoy looking and still have a healthy relationship."

"Edward," Rosalie hissed, "are you paying attention to me?"

"Uh, sorry. No."

"I said she's going to be alright. She went on some dates and didn't run off with any of them. She seems like she's getting to a better place mentally. I shouldn't be telling you this but I'm sick of your emo whining. She is a big girl, and she'll get there. Just stop trying to make decisions for her. If she says she's okay for tonight, she'll be okay."

I smiled at her gratefully and she sat back and said something to Emmett. I was able to finish the rest of the night in a better mood than I'd started it in. Rosalie was right about one thing, though. Making decisions for Bella and not letting her make her own, was a giant mistake that I had to stop making. I respected her intelligence, and while she had a lot of growing up to do, making the decisions for her would do more to hinder that than help. I had to learn to trust her.

I spent a little while talking to Kate after everyone else had left. Tanya left us to talk while she went and flirted with the hot red-headed bartender. Although Kate didn't give me any concrete advice, unloading my feelings helped. When the two of them finally left, I sat at the table a little longer nursing my drink. The tension in the air had nearly crackled between them as they walked out the door and the fact that I knew they were headed home to fuck, didn't exactly help my loneliness. Truthfully, I didn't think they'd even make it as far as their apartment. Tanya apparently had a penchant for fingering Kate in the car. I smiled, remembering the feel of Bella's wet warmth and soft cries during the drive home from the movie theater over spring break. Half drunk, lonely, and needy I walked to the entrance to wait for the cab I'd called. The restaurant was closing and the bartender brushed by me on her way out.

She gave me a flirtatious smile and stopped. "Hey there. Sorry, I didn't mean to bump into you."

 _Bullshit_ , I thought, but instead of saying that out loud, I shrugged. "No big deal."

"Do you need a ride or something?" she offered.

"No, I'm waiting for a cab."

"We could go back to my place…" She wet her lips and I watched the path of her tongue.

I raised an eyebrow at her. "Weren't you just flirting with my friend, Tanya?"

She shrugged. "I'm open to either possibility. Interested?"

I looked at her for a moment, my mind feeling fuzzy and muddled. She was gorgeous, the equal of Tanya in long leggy beauty. With long red wavy hair and bright blue eyes, she was certainly appealing. But she'd never be the equal of Bella. No matter how desperately I hated the fact that I would go home alone, it wasn't in me to do anything else.

"Sorry," I muttered. "No."

"C'mon," she purred. "You look like you could use some cheering up." She touched my arm and I shrugged her off.

"I have a girlfriend," I said shortly.

"Well, clearly she hasn't been taking good care of you. I watched you all night. Alone on your birthday…that's just sad. Don't you want a blow job, birthday boy?" She reached for my cock and I brushed her aside.

"What part of I'm not interested _aren't_ you getting?" The cab pulled up and I walked away from her. "You know, the only thing worse than going to bed alone is betraying the woman you love," I said scornfully.

I slammed the cab door behind me and told the cabbie where to take me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think of Kate's advice to Edward?
> 
> -Did you like Edward and Kate's meeting? How about Tanya's introduction?
> 
> -And was Edward redeemed a little for worrying about Bella on his birthday?


	59. Epilogue Part I: One and Only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the first part of the epilogue. I went back and forth a number of times on how to structure it. What I ended up doing was separating it into a handful of smaller scenes. Each one will be marked with the POV. For the most part, they alternate between Edward and Bella, but there are a few that are back to back Bella.
> 
> "One and Only" by Adele was the perfect song for this chapter and is intended to be from Bella's POV.

**Epilogue: One and Only**

You've been on my mind,

I grow fonder every day,

Lose myself in time,

Just thinking of your face,

God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go,

You're the only one that I want,

I don't know why I'm scared,

I've been here before,

Every feeling, every word,

I've imagined it all,

You'll never know if you never try,

To forgive your past and simply be mine,

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,

Promise I'm worthy,

To hold in your arms,

So come on and give me a chance,

To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,

Until the end starts,

If I've been on your mind,

You hang on every word I say,

Lose yourself in time,

At the mention of my name,

Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close,

And have you tell me whichever road I choose, you'll go?

I don't know why I'm scared,

'Cause I've been here before,

Every feeling, every word,

I've imagined it all,

You'll never know if you never try,

To forgive your past and simply be mine,

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,

I promise I'm worthy, mmm,

To hold in your arms,

So come on and give me a chance,

To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,

Until the end starts,

I know it ain't easy giving up your heart,

I know it ain't easy giving up your heart,

Nobody's perfect,

(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),

Trust me I've learned it,

Nobody's perfect,

(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),

Trust me I've learned it,

Nobody's perfect,

(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),

Trust me I've learned it,

Nobody's perfect,

(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart),

Trust me I've learned it,

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only,

I promise I'm worthy,

To hold in your arms,

So come on and give me a chance,

To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,

Until the end starts,

Come on and give me a chance,

To prove I am the one who can walk that mile,

Until the end starts.

-"One and Only" by Adele

* * *

****EPOV** **

The first few weeks were messy. Bella cried all together too often, and I cried a few times too because it hurt so much to see her in pain. But as things were hashed out and we finally, _finally_ communicated like we should have been doing all along, it felt good.

There were great parts, too. I took her on a ridiculous number of dates, and although, I shouldn't have been, I was slightly stunned by how much fun it was. We went to a concert, and to the zoo, and out to dinner. One night she cooked me dinner without letting me help even a little bit. I protested, but she begged me and for some reason I could see how important it was to her, even if I didn't understand why. As we finished the last couple of bites of obscenely good strawberry shortcake, I asked her what was going on.

She looked down and her mouth twisted into a funny little frown. She took a deep breath before she looked up at me and I could see tears welling up in her eyes. I held out my arms and she curled up in my lap-right there at the kitchen table-and reached up to play with the hair at the base of my neck while she spoke.

"I…I wanted to do something for you. You have done so much for me…" I opened my mouth to protest but the feel of her fingers against my lips stopped me. "You have done so much. And I wanted to do this, Edward. It's important to me. You did so many little things to make me feel special, and cared for, all telling me how much you loved me. I felt like I needed to do the same."

I nodded and kissed her forehead and her eyes closed. It had sort of become our little thing, a way of saying I love you without using the words. Although we did that, too-to an obnoxious degree-at least according to our friends. It felt so good to say the words that had been bottled up for so long. If anything, Bella said it more than I did, not that she didn't mean it every single time, but I think it was her way of reiterating it to herself and as a reminder to not hold back any more.

One night when I went to pick her up from her apartment to go to a movie, I found her in tears. She opened the door in pajamas with tears rolling down her face and she launched herself into my arms. I staggered back, and somehow got the door closed and her tucked onto my lap on the couch.

"Hey, what is it? Is Charlie okay?" For a moment I was horrified, wondering if he had been injured or killed in the line of duty, and my heart thundered in my chest.

She shook her head against my shoulder and I stroked her hair. For a while, all I got from her was a quiet "Charlie's okay," and then a litany of 'I'm sorry'. I had no idea what she was apologizing for so I let her cry it out and when her tears had quieted to hiccups, she finally looked up at me and spoke.

"I'm so sorry, Edward, I missed your graduation. I'm such a horrible girlfriend." I hugged her tight and kissed her hair as she started sobbing again.

"Bella, you need to take a deep breath. Nothing is worth you being that upset over, I promise. Graduation is not a big deal. And in fact, you are neither a horrible girlfriend, nor did you miss it."

"What?"

"I didn't walk at graduation. I'm going to do it in December."

"How…?"

"I had a final paper and composition that I still needed to turn in, I convinced Dr. Simon and my advisor to let me delay it."

"Was it because of what happened with us?" she asked quietly.

"Not really. It's because I'm doing what amounts to a double degree - studying music history and theory and composition - my project was more involved. Plus, I did the study abroad for my final semester, which was really unusual. I asked for an extension long before I came home, and while it worked out in my favor when we were both having a rough time, it's absolutely not the only reason."

"Oh." She frowned at me. "You're sure?"

"I'm sure. I am so glad to have the rest of the summer to finish it, it'll get reviewed this fall, and I walk and get my diploma in December."

An excited smile finally broke through her worried look. "So I get to be there for it?"

"You do." I smiled back at her. "In fact, when I walk across the stage I may just point to you and yell out 'that's my girlfriend. I'm dating Bella Swan'!"

She wrinkled her nose at me. "You wouldn't!" I smiled and she sighed. "Ugh, knowing you, you totally would."

"I'd totally kiss you in front of the entire music program and all of their guests, too," I teased her.

She laughed. "That I'm sure you'll do. I'm so glad I'll be there. I don't know what it was that triggered it, but all of a sudden, I realized that graduation had passed and I was sure you had graduated. I thought that I'd missed it, and it…it was awful." Her voice dropped. "I hated missing your birthday. I never want to miss anything like that again, Edward."

"You won't." I pressed a kiss to her temple and she relaxed against me. "You're a great girlfriend. She gave me a sweet, hopeful smile and I realized just how badly she needed me to reassure her about that.

**BPOV**

When Edward told me about his conversation with his mother, I blanched.

"I can't believe you told her that we were just fuck buddies, and about Claire and I."

"Bella, we were never fuck buddies." He leveled a look at me and I had to admit he was right. It had always been more than that, even the first time. "And I am sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but she doesn't think less of you at all, for the way our relationship started or for your interest in girls."

"I just…ugh, it's embarrassing."

"Please don't be embarrassed, I promise, it'll be fine."

I wasn't mad at him, but I was uncomfortable about the whole situation. On our first visit to see his parents as a couple, I nearly threw up in the car on the way there. He spent the drive with his hand on my thigh, softly rubbing my leg trying to calm me down.

His mother greeted me with a hug, which I returned stiffly and I saw her glare at Edward out of the corner of her eye.

"Why don't you go help your father with the grill, Bella and I can finish up in the kitchen, alright?"

"Uh, mom..." Edward gave her a skeptical look.

"It'll be fine," she said firmly. She escorted me into a kitchen, showed me to a chair at the table, and handed me a glass of wine. "Drink this and let me talk."

"Um, alright." I took a large gulp of a very nice sauvignon blanc and stared at her wide-eyed.

"Obviously you're uncomfortable, and I can venture a guess as to why. It probably doesn't have much to do with the usual meeting the parents thing, does it?"

"No." I shook my head and took another slightly smaller sip. Mmm, this was a very good wine, I thought. I focused back on Esme and she smiled at me.

"I understand why you feel that way, I really do. But there is nothing that Edward told me that makes me think you aren't the right person for him, or makes me like you any less."

I took another sip of the wine and set the glass down on the table. "It's just such a personal thing…and…"

"I know it is," she said more softly and touched my arm. "And I don't want to make you uncomfortable. But I want to tell you two things. First of all, Carlisle and I slept together on our first date."

"Um…"

"And although I don't personally have any attraction to women, one of my very close cousins is a lesbian, so if you think for one moment that I think any less of you because you're bi, I think you're seriously underestimating me."

"Oh, I hadn't…well, I hadn't thought of it that way," I admitted. "I just…grew up in a very reserved household, my mom was gone, Charlie was…well…Charlie…and I'm not used to …being so open."

She nodded sympathetically. "I'm sorry dear. I really don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, I swear. But I'm blunt, and I refuse to have this become something awkward between us. You love my son, and he loves you back so much. I want you to know that I couldn't be happier that he's with you."

Tears pricked at my eyes and I looked down at my wine glass. "Thank you," I said softly.

"Besides, Edward told me you were both trying to work on communicating better. Just think of this as a great opportunity for practice."

I laughed ruefully and the mood lightened a bit. "I'm sorry, I've been rude. I just want you to like me and I feel like I've started out on completely the wrong foot. I'm so afraid you're going to think I'm some horrible tramp who doesn't deserve your son."

"Bella, nothing could be further from the truth. Honestly, have you looked at my husband? Our son is rather like his father and if I couldn't resist Carlisle, I couldn't very well think less of you for not being able to resist Edward. And as far as your sexuality, that would never make me think less of you."

"I just worry you'll think I'll hurt him or cheat on him."

"Are you planning to?"

"Of course not," I protested.

"Then that's all that matters. He loves you, you love him, and the rest will work itself out. You just have to communicate."

"I'm trying."

"I know you are. And I know it probably isn't easy for you. But Edward's not perfect either. Life is messy. You'll fight, he'll say something stupid, or you will, and you'll cry. But if you talk it over, it gets a little easier. And the messy part leads to the amazing parts, and you two will have a long happy life together. All you have to do is keep trying. Giving up is the only way you can fail."

I sniffled a little and gave in to the impulse I'd had since I got there. I threw myself into her arms and cried against her neck.

Edward looked slightly bewildered when we came out onto the patio. My eyes were red, and Esme had her arm wrapped firmly around my waist. She let me go so he could take me into his arms and I snuggled up against him.

"You okay?"

"I'm great," I said softly. And I really was. I hadn't felt that good in a long time. "I think I love your mom."

He smiled and kissed my forehead. "I think she might love you, too. I know I do."

I turned to see Carlisle with his arms around Esme; they both were looking at Edward and me with content smiles on their faces. We sat down to dinner and I watched the way they interacted together. I suddenly understood Edward better. Why he was so thoughtful and caring, and why it was easier for him to open up. On the drive home, I turned to Edward and squeezed his thigh.

"I really want to be like your parents," I told him.

He turned to me with a smile. "Me, too. I think we can do it."

"Yeah, me, too."

**BPOV**

"I can't wait for you to meet Kate and Tanya."

"I am excited to meet them," I admitted. "I've heard so much about them."

"They want to meet you, too." Edward chuckled. We knocked on the door and the moment it opened a blonde girl flung herself into my arms.

"Bella!" She hugged me tight. "I have been waiting so long to meet you. Come in!"

I squeezed back, a little overwhelmed, but liking her already. She let go and hugged Edward tightly as well. I noticed the fond little smile on his face for her and I was amused by the silly banter between them as he swatted at her long hair. Edward hadn't been kidding when he said they were like siblings.

I nearly dropped the bottle of wine I was carrying when I saw Tanya. She was standing in the living room, a hip cocked to the side and her hand on it, in a posture of studied annoyance. She was tall, nearly 5'10" and gave new meaning to the word voluptuous. She had on charcoal grey pants with heels and a softer pearl grey shirt with the sleeves rolled up. A black tie completed the outfit and I couldn't stop staring at her. Claire had been beautiful, and Kate was lovely, but this girl was breathtaking.

"Are you going to just stare at me, or are you going to say hi?" she said in a low, throaty voice.

I blushed. "Sorry. I'm Bella."

"Oh how adorable, she blushed, look at that, Kate…" she said, her voice still husky and alluring, despite the fact that what she said should have come across as condescending. Kate went over to stand by her and Tanya wrapped an arm around her waist. I took a better look at Kate and smiled when I saw them together. They fit together so well. Kate wasn't as tall as Tanya, but she was still a bit taller than me, and had long straight golden hair with gorgeous big blue eyes. They made a rather astonishing couple.

"Ignore Tanya," Edward said. "I do."

I turned to look at him, horrified with how blatantly I'd been checking her out and suddenly worried that I had upset him. He gave me a warm smile and kissed the top of my head. Kate slipped out of the room, taking Tanya with her, and told us to have a seat and that they'd be right back with appetizers.

Once they were gone, I turned to Edward. "Shit, I'm sorry. I…"

He laughed. "You don't have to apologize. I have a tendency to stare, too. She's stunning, isn't she?" I nodded, feeling sheepish. "Hey, I trust you. You can look all you want. It's okay, I promise."

We were still learning how to navigate our relationship and I was so careful not to hurt Edward. We were still learning what we were both comfortable with.

"Thanks." I hugged him tight. "Still trying to figure it out."

"I know, but we're doing really well. And just think…we're actually talking about it."

I smiled up at him and nodded. We really had made some huge steps. Things were by no means perfect. But they were really, really good.

"If it helps, she was totally eyeing you, too." He laughed.

"Really?"

"Yes, really," Tanya's laughing voice answered. I blushed again and she grinned at me. "You are really adorable when you do that," she mused.

Tanya carried in four wine glasses and set them on the coffee table in front of us.

"Please, get comfortable," Kate urged us. "This wine looks amazing, Edward. I love Bogle Vineyard."

"I've never tried it," I admitted. "I leave the wine up to Edward. I pretty much drink anything he gives me."

Tanya quirked an eyebrow at me in amusement and I blushed again, but managed to come up with a fairly coherent response.

"I'm learning a lot about wine from him."

She laughed and winked at Edward. "I like her."

"Thanks," I said. "I like you, too."

She nodded at me appreciatively and we spent the rest of the evening talking. I liked Kate and Tanya a lot. I suspected Kate and I would become very good friends and Tanya and I probably would, too. Her brash acidity reminded me a bit of Rosalie and I wondered what kind of sparks would fly when those two interacted.

The evening flew by in a blur of great food, incredible wine, and a lot of laughter. I could see them easily fitting into our group of friends. When Edward and I left that night I was pleasantly tipsy and deeply happy. I made love to Edward that night, loose and languid from the wine and came crying out his name. I felt drunk, not just on the wine but on happiness. I had never dreamed I could be that happy in a relationship.

**BPOV**

When Edward and I went back to Forks for our first Thanksgiving officially together, Charlie sat me down the night before to talk.

"Uh, hey, can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Sure." I looked up from the piecrust I was rolling out and he shifted awkwardly, looking very uncomfortable. Please Charlie, I mentally begged. Don't turn this into some sort of awkward sex talk.

"Uh, I need to tell you something." He dropped his eyes and studied the floor and my mind began to whirl, assuming the worst. Definitely not a sex talk then, was Charlie sick? What if he was dying? My hands dropped to the countertop and I turned to look at him fully, my heart beating too fast.

"Okay..."

"So, I wanted to talk to you about this before tomorrow and I'm glad we have a little time, just the two of us."

"Dad, you're scaring me."

He looked up in shock. "Scaring you? What? Why? I wasn't trying to scare you, I just...IwantedtotellyouI'mdatingCora."

"Uh, try that again."

"I'm dating Cora."

"Cora?"

"From the diner."

"Right. Cora. Dating...yes." I shook my head, trying to clear out the confused tangle of thoughts. "Dad, I thought you were going to tell me you were sick or something. You didn't have to make that big of a production out of dating someone."

He smiled sheepishly at me and I went over and hugged him gingerly, careful not to get flour all over him. "You're dating Cora, when did that start?"

"Uh, a few month ago."

I stared at him, waiting for him to elaborate but he didn't. "A few details here, Dad...that would be nice," I encouraged him.

"Well, I was there eating dinner and I had some paperwork to do, so I stayed later to work on that. It was real quiet that night, and she brought me cobbler and ice cream. She sat down to talk for a while, and when I went to leave she asked me out." He turned faintly pink and I smiled, liking that he was so clearly pleased by it.

"Have you been interested in her for a while?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I just didn't know if she was interested in me. I dunno...it's been a long time since I dated anyone. I'm kinda rusty. But it's going good."

"So are you guys pretty serious then?"

"Yeah. I think so. She's...good for me. She's stable and fun."

Only in Charlie's world was that such a huge compliment, but coming from him it really was. Renee had been anything but stable and Charlie's fun usually consisted of Mariner's games and fishing.

"What's her stance on sports and fishing?"

"She roots for the Mariners and would rather cook the fish than catch it." I knew Charlie valued his time out in the boat with Billy and Harry, and I smiled. "Sounds like you found the perfect woman."

"You're okay with it?"

"Okay? I think it's fantastic. I've always liked Cora. I mean, she's the woman who made me strawberry milkshakes and chicken soup, and then sent them home with you when I was sick as a kid. She's already won me over."

"You're like your old man, easily bribed by food."

"Yeah, pretty much."

We talked a bit more about Cora while I finished the pie. The pie was actually a surprise for Edward. He had come over earlier in the day to help me make the ones we'd take to Harry and Sue's, and the ones we'd bring to the Cullen's house later in the day. Neither of us had wanted to be apart for the holidays, so we were celebrating Thanksgiving twice. We had agreed to sleep in separate houses. Esme and Carlisle wouldn't have cared if we'd shared a bed, but I suspected Charlie would be less forgiving.

I was vaguely surprised by the idea of Charlie and Cora. She was pretty quiet for the most part; although, she usually was good at coaxing a smile out of him and they'd always seemed like friends. I was glad it had turned into something more. Charlie could certainly use the companionship and she'd be good to him. It was a little strange to wrap my brain around though. I had no idea what his personal life was like, but he hadn't openly dated anyone that I had been aware of. But I was happy for him. Now that I was with Edward, I knew just how lonely it could be. Cora had been running the diner as long as I could remember. She was about Charlie's age, and single. I knew she had been widowed young, and as far I knew, she hadn't dated anyone since either. She was always friendly with her customers, remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and giving the kids small treats if their parents allowed it. She had a beautiful smile and her voice was always soft and welcoming. She was going to be coming with Charlie and Edward and I to Thanksgiving the next day and I looked forward to seeing her with Charlie. If anyone deserved to be happy, it was him.

About twenty minutes after I had crawled into bed, I got a text.

_O_ _**pen your window** _ **E**

I peered over at it, to see Edward grinning at me. I rolled my eyes at him and let him in, scolding him quietly.

"Are you insane?"

"I didn't want to sleep alone." I rolled my eyes at him again but I was secretly pleased. He tugged off his clothes down to his boxers and burrowed into the bed beside me. The room was cold and his skin was even colder. I wrapped my arms around him to keep him warm. We talked quietly for a little bit before we heard Charlie's feet in the hallway outside my door. We froze and stopped talking and I heard Charlie clear his throat.

"Edward, you're not nearly as stealthy as you think you are."

We both burst out into laughter. "Sorry dad," I called out. "Do you want him to leave?"

"Just keep it down in there and I'll see you in the morning." He disappeared into his bedroom and Edward snickered against my shoulder.

"You couldn't go one night without me?" I laughed.

"Nope."

"Seriously?"

"I missed you. Besides, it's a year from when I realized I was in love with you...how could I be apart from you then?"

"Oh, Edward," I breathed. "You are so sweet." He kissed me softly and I pressed closer to him, needing to feel his skin against mine. "I love you so much."

"I love you, too."

In the months we'd been together, Edward had grown even more romantic. He loved to slip notes into my book bag, or surprise me with dinner. He bought me flowers on random days, woke me up with coffee, took me on picnics, and bought me small little gifts; a bar of my favorite chocolate or a book he thought I'd like.

I cooked for him often, it was an easy way to show him how much I cared, but I had to learn other ways. It didn't come as easily for me, but I learned, and Edward's smile always made it worthwhile. I had no problems telling him I loved him. I felt it so intensely it occasionally popped out for no apparent reason when we were in the middle of making dinner or watching a movie. I tripped over calling him my boyfriend at first, but that gradually became more natural. And I never minded the way he kissed me- like he hadn't seen me in weeks- when he picked me up from class or from the library. I had earned any number of envious glances from some of the girls I worked with when he'd showed up to surprise me with lunch on days when I was working a long shift.

_After we'd eaten out on the lawn in front of the library and he walked me back to the circulation desk, he would give me a searing kiss that left my knees weak and my heart beating fast. Anne and Katie would gasp at me when he'd walked away and then dissolved into giggles._

" _Oh my god, you have the most amazing boyfriend," Anne exclaimed._

_"Seriously." Katie shook her head. "I am incredibly jealous of you."_

" _I think I'm jealous of me," I admitted. "Every day I wonder how I got so lucky."_

"What are you thinking about?" Edward asked and I tilted my head to look up at him.

"You. How lucky I am. That I'm so stupidly happy it hurt sometimes."

He blinked at me, his eyelashes casting long shadows over his cheeks in the dim room. "Me, too, Bella. Me, too."

He kissed me again and we spent a long time kissing and talking softly. We made love to each other, mindful of being as silent as possible, and I came with my mouth pressed against his shoulder, whispering my love to him.

**EPOV**

I moved to Seattle shortly after I got back from Italy. I sat down with my dad, mentioned that I was considering moving, and he generously offered me a deal. If I took care of preparing the house and getting it sold, he'd give me the profits from the sale. I happily agreed and I had a nice nest egg to work with. I bought a fairly modest apartment in Seattle, and Bella and I spent most of our time there. Jasper and Emmett were both happy to be closer to their girlfriends and got an apartment together. It meant Emmett had to find a new job, but he was philosophical about it. "Eh, jobs come and go," he said. "The girls are what matter."

Our first few years together as a couple went better than I'd expected. That's not to say I was bracing myself for us to break up, but in the back of my mind I'd known that it was inevitable that something would come up. We sniped at each other occasionally when we were tired or stressed, but that had never turned into a major fight. Unfortunately, I wasn't surprised at the two fights we did have. The first was partially my fault. I'd been traveling a lot, going to Portland to work on a film score, and our time together had been limited for several months. I missed some of the warning signs at first. Bella had pulled away emotionally, and I hadn't even noticed. The time we did have together, we spent in bed, or more accurately on every surface of my apartment-which wasn't unusual for us-but something felt off.

At first, I didn't think twice about the fact that she was constantly pushing for more sex. I figured we were just taking advantage of the time we did have together since I had been gone so much. But gradually I noticed that she called me less when I was gone, and rarely offered an 'I love you' without prompting. By the time I wrapped up work on the film in Portland I was really worried. She'd retreated back into herself and although I knew it would be painful, I gently brought it up to her. She cried, which nearly broke my heart. I hated causing her pain but I refused to let all of the progress we'd made disappear. With a little work, we got back on track and since then things had been much better. A few times, she even brought it up to me when she noticed she was pulling away and we got through it.

The second fight we had was entirely my fault. She met someone in one of her classes and they'd been hanging out a lot. I didn't really give it a second thought, Carmen sounded like a good friend and I was glad she had more people to spend time when I was busy tutoring or on a trip. But one afternoon I ran across them in the union coffee shop. I knew Bella liked to go there on her breaks between class and I thought I'd surprise her. I was the one who was surprised to see her there, sitting at a cozy table with the most jaw-droopingly gorgeous woman I'd ever seen, aside from Bella. I turned on my heel and left immediately. I was jealous as hell and I lashed out at Bella when she got home. The argument was brutal; she demanded I leave and give her some space. The next day we actually sat down and talked. She pointed out how irrational I was being. Carmen was straight and married. She also brought up the fact that while she could certainly admit how beautiful Carmen was, she didn't really interest her in that way. And when she told me how much it hurt her that I didn't trust her, I realized how monumentally stupid I'd been. It took a while for us to work through it, but the make-up sex was phenomenal and once I took the time to sit down and get to know Carmen and her husband Eli, I realized just how off base I'd been. That's not to say I never had a twinge of jealousy again, but I learned to bring it up to Bella in a way that wasn't accusatory and gradually I came to terms with it.

We also discovered a mutual love for lesbian porn, which had fueled more than a few marathon nights in bed. Bella had no trouble admitting she still found the occasional woman attractive, and while I had no interest in actually sharing her, the occasional fantasy we discussed was hot.

Alice and Jasper moved in together a year after I moved to Seattle, and Bella and Rosalie lived in an apartment for a while. I had considered asking Bella to move in with me, but I'd been afraid I was rushing things so I held my tongue. I was shocked when their lease was up the next year and Bella brought up moving in together. I wholeheartedly agreed and she moved into my place. I'd been concerned about Charlie's reaction to us living together, but he was surprisingly sanguine about it. Despite my nerves around him initially, we got along well. I think he'd resigned himself to the fact that despite how young Bella was, I was around to stay, and he trusted her judgment.

The first night we officially lived together, I made love to her like a man possessed. I had already bent her over the couch and eaten her out on the kitchen counter when I finally took her in our bed. We were both sweaty and disheveled, but I thought she'd never been more beautiful. Her hair curled damply around her forehead and her cheeks were flushed. Her lips were slightly parted and her breathing was quick and harsh. I drove into her, her legs folded up against my chest so I could get as deep as possible. Her breasts shone with sweat and her nipples were tight. Her wet inner walls gripped me tightly and her legs shook from the strain.

"Fuck, I love you," I gasped and she threw her head back on my next thrust.

"I love you, too, Edward," she cried out, scraping her nails down my biceps. I flinched, but the pain was almost pleasurable and when she came, I watched her body arch up, her chest lifting toward the air. I pressed close to her and her hips widened, sliding me deeper, and allowing me to suck a nipple in my mouth. She cried out in pleasure and with a guttural groan, I did too, spilling inside of her. My mouth moved to the soft side of her breast and I bit, not hard enough to hurt her, but hard enough to leave a mark that lingered for a week. We fell asleep in sweaty, messy tangle of limbs, sated and so drugged with pleasure that I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

**BPOV**

I saw Claire three times.

The first was at Angela and Ben's wedding. Edward and I had made the trip from Seattle to Forks to be there, and although I should have expected to see her there, it startled me. I stumbled as I walked into the church and saw Claire standing just a few feet from me. Edward steadied me and I turned to look up at him.

He looked faintly puzzled and then recognition dawned. His thumb stroked lightly against my palm and I drew in a deep breath and continued on to take a seat. After I'd taken a program and slid into a pew I turned to Edward.

"You okay?" he asked softly and I nodded.

"Yeah, just surprised for a moment." His eyes met mine and he gave me a long penetrating look before he nodded and squeezed my hand. I studied him after he turned away to read the program. He was wearing a navy blue suit, white shirt, and navy tie. His hair was a bit shorter than usual; the product of an overzealous stylist, but it looked good. I only really missed having the length to tug on when we were in bed and it would grow out quickly enough. He quirked an eyebrow at me when he caught me staring and I gave him a sheepish smile. He loved to tease me when I ogled him. He winked and I blushed and looked away. It didn't matter how long we were together, he still managed to make me react the same way. I looked down at our intertwined hands resting against the smoky blue chiffon fabric of my dress. I knew every millimeter of those long fingers, the sparse hair on the back of his hands, the way they engulfed mine, the slightly rough texture of his fingertips, and the surprisingly soft palms. My breath hitched and I heard him chuckle, low and throaty. But then Alice and Jasper sat down beside us and the wedding march began. We stood to watch Angela float down the aisle. The ceremony was touching, Angela and Ben were as happy as I had ever seen them and I let myself consider what I wanted for my own wedding someday. It wasn't going to happen quite yet, there was still school for me to finish, but we had discussed it and when the time came, I knew I'd be ready.

The reception followed almost immediately after the ceremony and we found our table. I was surprised to see Claire and John at the same table but other than a brief moment of panic, I was fine. Glancing around, I realized that we were the only table of people in our early twenties and knew it would have been more awkward for Angela to put us, or Claire and John at a separate table. Everyone was cordial, Alice made sure to steer the conversation to mundane topics like the Senior Project Claire and Ben had worked on together, Alice and Jasper's plans for the summer, the movie score Edward was currently working on, and the classes I was taking for my summer semester.

It wasn't entirely comfortable at first, but as drinks were consumed everyone loosened up a little and by the time the tables were cleared and dancing had begun, we had all relaxed. Edward had taken advantage of the very good music the DJ was playing, and had pulled me out onto the dance floor almost immediately.

"I love you," he said softly.

"I love you, too." I kissed him fervently, if not entirely appropriately for a public place.

"You sure you're okay?"

"I'm sure," I said decisively. "I don't have any doubts, Edward. I am happy."

His face softened and his eyes twinkled as he looked down at me. "Me, too."

I looped my arm tighter around his neck and we spent the rest of the night dancing. Flushed and laughing, we left only after the DJ had packed up his gear and the party was done. I waved goodbye to Claire and was happy to see her right hand entwined in John's and as she waved with her left, I noticed a diamond glittering on her ring finger. Things had turned out exactly the way they were supposed to.

**BPOV**

Several years after Edward and I began dating I contacted Renee. I had talked to Edward about it of course, to the point that he was probably sick of hearing about it, but every time before that I chickened out. I don't know what it was that pushed me to do it finally, but one day I typed up an email and hit send instead of delete. I went flying out of the office in our apartment into the kitchen where Edward was making dinner.

"Holy shit I did it!" I yelled.

He turned to me, the knife he'd been chopping carrots with frozen in mid air.

"You sent it?" he asked, knowing exactly what I meant.

I nodded, feeling shaky and unsure, and he dropped the knife to the counter with a loud clatter and pulled me into his arms.

"It's gonna be okay," he murmured against my hair.

"Feel my heartbeat." I pressed my own hand against my chest and felt my heart hammering beneath. "I am freaking out here, Edward."

"I know, gorgeous." He kissed me softly and sweetly. Although I was too keyed up to really enjoy it at first, he was patient. Eventually, I sank against him and lost myself in his kisses. I found myself being picked up and carried into the bedroom and I had enough sense to remember to ask about dinner.

"Is anything going to burn?" I managed to squeak out.

"Just prepping, stove's off," he muttered.

"k."

He stripped both of us and tossed me on our bed. I knew he was doing it to distract me, but it worked. As his lips traced across my skin I couldn't think of anything but him. He brought me to two shuddering orgasms with his tongue and then slid inside of me, filling me completely.

It was slow and sweet but intense. It was a little bit different every time, but never bad.

Actually, one time was rather terrible. We fell off the couch and when we tried to continue on the floor our rhythm was off. We finally gave up in a fit of laughter, but we made up for it later. The laughter was good, too.

"Hey, where'd you go?" he asked me, snapping me back to reality.

I looked up at him and pressed a kiss to his lips. "Thinking about bad sex."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Well…I'm offended."

I laughed, knowing he wasn't serious. "No, the time we fell off the couch."

"Yeah, that was bad." He laughed. "Now, can we get back to having some really good sex?"

"Sure." I grinned up at him and pushed him over onto his back. I settled back down on him and he groaned.

"I love you like this."

"I love you in any position," I teased.

I rocked over him, loving the familiarity of the way he felt inside me. Things were so, so good between us. Not perfect, but still amazing. When I'd collapsed on his chest in a sweaty heap of satisfaction and we'd showered, I thanked him.

"Thanks for the distraction."

"You're welcome."

We went back into the kitchen to make dinner and Edward chopped vegetables while I prepped the sauce. We were making stir-fry, something we did often. We cooked together a lot, and every time it left me with a quiet, peaceful feeling inside my chest.

I got a reply back from Renee the next morning. With a racing heart I read it, nestled in Edward's lap. It was rambling, and she interrupted herself a thousand times, but it was somehow familiar, and I now remembered that she used to speak that way, too; she was often too enthusiastic about some thought to follow it in an orderly direction. She brought me up to date on her life with Phil and her job. They lived in Phoenix and seemed very happy. He was a high school baseball coach and she was still at the library. She admitted that she was surprised to hear from me, but said she was happy about it. She said that she didn't know if I could ever forgive her, for the way she'd left Charlie and me. I cried when I read that she didn't expect me to treat her like a mother, but if she could have me in her life at all, she'd feel extraordinarily lucky. I gave myself a few days and then wrote her back.

We fell into a comfortable rhythm of sending emails every few weeks. And when she called me on my birthday, I was surprised but happy to hear from her. Almost a year after that I asked her if she wanted to meet for coffee. She agreed and I nearly had a panic attack. Edward calmed me with sweet kisses and a quick grope of my ass that made me laugh. He held my hand when I saw her face to face for the first time, and spoke briefly to her for a few minutes. With a quick kiss and a whispered, 'I love you,' he left me in the coffee shop and went to the music store liked we'd planned.

I stared at her at first, shocked to see my smile and nose on someone else's face. Her hair was lighter than mine, her skin more tanned, and her eyes were blue. I had inherited Charlie's coloring, but the smile was all Renee's.

At first it was awkward talking to her in person, the conversation was stilted but eventually we relaxed, and cried a few times. When we parted, I hugged her goodbye. I whispered my forgiveness when my throat felt too tight to speak. I flew out of the coffee shop after she left and ran to Edward. I nearly knocked him over against the racks of sheet music but he pulled me tight to him and told me how proud of me he was for finally meeting with her. I cried tears of relief on his shoulder in the music shop, and after he wiped them away, we went home. We spent the entire afternoon making love and I felt so full of happiness I thought my heart would burst from it.

Renee and I never became mother and daughter. There was too much that had happened for me to completely forget the past, but we saw each other occasionally. She became something like an aunt to me; someone I cared about very much. Esme and Sue were the mother figures I turned to when I needed something. I finally felt at peace about it and I was able to put the hurt and anger I'd felt for so long aside. The old hurts mended and the last shred of lingering worry that I might not be able to make a relationship work disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -What did you think of Bella's conversation with Esme?
> 
> -What about Bella's relationship with Renee?
> 
> -And of course, what do you think about Bella and Edward's first few years together?
> 
> The second part of the epilogue will take them further into their future and end when they are old and grey.


	60. Epilogue Part II: Night and Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my absolute favorite song in the world, particularly this version. It's the one my husband and I used for our first dance at our wedding.
> 
> http:/www.youtube.com/watch?v=njBbT2r6MdU

**Epilogue Part II: Night and Day**

Night and day, you are the one

Only you beneath the moon or under the sun

Whether near to me, or far

It's no matter darling where you are

I think of you

Day and night, night and day, why is it so

That this longing for you follows wherever I go

In the roaring traffics boom

In the silence of my lonely room

I think of you

Day and night, night and day

Under the hide of me

There's an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me

And this torment won't be through

Until you let me spend my life making love to you

Day and night, night and day

-"Night and Day" by Cole Porter

Sung by Kevin Kline and John Barrowman

* * *

**EPOV**

I had hoped to take Bella on the trip to Italy right after graduation, but before I could even bring it up to her, she got a job. I was thrilled for her, so I mentally set the trip aside. It was at one of the major publishing houses in Seattle. It was an entry level job to be sure, but the perfect place to get her foot in the door. Her boss loved her, she got a raise, and minor promotion within the first year; I was confident she'd get where she wanted to be in no time.

I still tutored and had been commissioned to score several small indie films and a couple of plays. Tutoring gave me a steady income, and I loved seeing the students learn. Composing scores gave me the creative outlet I needed so much and life was finally coming together.

With my heart in my throat, I made a trip to Forks to speak with Charlie. Bella thought I was taking a trip to meet with someone about a film score and I swore Charlie to secrecy. By that point, Bella and I had known each other for six years, been lovers for more than five, and had been a couple for four, so I think he'd braced himself for it. When I stammered out my speech and waited with my heart thudding in my chest, he gave me his blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. It was a huge relief and I went to my parents next. Not for their blessing, although, they were both thrilled, but to get the ring. My grandmother had left me her ring and I knew it was perfect for Bella. She definitely wasn't the diamond solitaire type and I thought she'd appreciate something antique. I'd surreptitiously measured the rings she wore now and was fairly confident I knew her size. I just had to get the ring cleaned, checked out by a jeweler, and possibly re-sized if my grandmother's ring wasn't the right size.

Once that was done, I sprung a trip to Italy on Bella. She was so excited that she nearly knocked over a lamp throwing herself at me and I vowed to suggest trips more often. The sex was enthusiastic and especially satisfying. We planned the trip and she had enough vacation time for us to go for two full weeks.

Thankfully, she had a passport so we didn't have to wait to go. We had taken several weekend trips across the Canadian border to Vancouver over the last few years and I knew it was up to date. She packed six times for the trip, so excited she couldn't decide what to take. Eventually I called Alice, who shooed Bella away and somehow managed to pack two weeks of clothes into a small suitcase.

We spent our days exploring the city. I retraced my footsteps from my study abroad, showing her the apartment I'd stayed in, and the café and market I'd frequented. I fed her my favorite dishes, and took her to museums. Every night I made love to her, whispering how much I had wanted her there beside me.

One night on our way back from a late dinner, we walked by the Ponte Sant'Angelo. I had come often, late at night, to stare at the city lights reflected on the dark river to think of Bella. It was so different to have her there beside me. The semester I had spent in Rome had been excruciatingly lonely. But now, with her tucked against my side, I felt whole.

I had planned to take her out to dinner the following night, take a stroll over the bridge at sunset, and propose then. But I didn't have the heart to resist her when she took my hand, dragged me across the bridge, and stood at the railing staring out the water. I decided to forget my plans for the following night; it was the right time.

"It's gorgeous, Edward," she breathed. "Did you ever come here?"

"All the time," I admitted. "I came here when I missed you."

I stood behind her, my arms around her waist, and she craned her neck to look up at me.

"Really?"

"Yes."

I took a deep breath; I wasn't nervous, not really. We were both ready for this next step, but it was a monumental moment in my life and I felt my heart thud in my chest. I loosened my hold on her and reached into my pocket to pull out the ring box. Clutching it in my hand I turned her to face me.

I opened my mouth and went to open the ring box but she spoke before I could.

"Yes." The words were out of her mouth before I even had the ring box open or had spoken a word.

I blinked down at her and then pressed my lips to hers, trying not to laugh.

"I love you," I murmured against her mouth. She laughed and wrapped her arms around my neck.

"I love you, too."

"Are you going to let me give you the speech I've spent weeks planning?"

She bit her lip and then smiled at me. "Yes."

I leaned against the railing, trapping her against the stone.

"When I met you, I had no idea what you'd do to me and how you'd change my life. I fought it for so long and all I knew was that I'd lose my mind if I didn't touch you. Once I did it wasn't enough. The idea of loving you scared me, but the idea of losing you was worse. I'll never forgive myself for pushing you away, no matter how hurt I was. But the last few years have been the happiest of my life. You've brought me balance, laughter, and the kind of love I never dreamed of. I could live without you, if I had to, but I don't ever want to find out what that's like. Because every day I am with you, it's better than the one before it. There will never be enough words, or music notes to explain how I feel about you, but I will spend the rest of my life trying."

I pressed a kiss to her trembling lips and then to her eyelids, kissing away the teardrops hanging from her eyelashes.

"Will you marry me?"

"Yes," she whispered and pressed her forehead to mine. We stood like that for several long minutes, content to be in each other's arms.

"Would you like your ring?" I finally asked.

She laughed. "Yes. Sorry, I got excited."

"It's okay." I opened the box and took the ring out. It glittered in the dim lights of the city and she pulled back to peer down at it. "It was my grandmother's."

"It's gorgeous, Edward."

I slid it onto her finger and stared down at it for a moment, memorizing the way it looked on her finger. I suddenly wished my grandmother was alive to see it; she would have loved Bella. She stared at it for another moment and then flung her arms around my neck, kissing me soundly.

"Take me back to the hotel; make love to me," she begged softly and I hugged her tighter. I let her go for a moment and then took her other hand as we walked back to the hotel, not speaking, merely holding on to each other. She had a ridiculous grin on her face, and I was sure mine was even worse.

Once in our room we made love in the dim light of the bedroom. It was slow, sweet, and heady. I felt drugged on pleasure, on her, on the happiness in my heart. The achingly tender way she wound her body around mine, shuddered, and sighed against me was enough to make me wonder how one person could be so incredibly lucky.

In the morning, we awoke to slanted sunlight coming in through the shutters and the smell of the flowering vine that was growing just outside the window of our bedroom. Her head was on my chest and my fingers were tangled in her hair. I brushed my lips across her forehead and she smiled sweetly before she even opened her eyes.

"I love you," she breathed and I brought her left hand up to my lips, watching the play of light on her ring before kissing her palm.

"Can we wait to tell everyone?" she asked quietly after she opened her eyes to look up at me.

"About the engagement?"

"Yeah, I mean, just until we get home. I want to tell everyone then. But I want the rest of the week to just be ours. I know Alice will be all excited and I just want to enjoy this before we jump into planning the wedding."

"Oh, of course. We don't have to call anyone until we get home. Although, I intend to tell every single person I run across today that you're mine."

She laughed and clambered on top of me, her hair tumbling around her shoulders and hiding her face from me. I brushed it away and she wrinkled her nose at me. "You wouldn't?"

"You know I would." I ran my hands up her arms and she lay down on my chest, kissing the spot above my heart.

"I am yours," she whispered. "Every bit of me."

**BPOV**

The second time I saw Claire was only in a photo. I had been browsing through some photos Angela had posted online and stumbled across ones of Angela and Ben dancing at a wedding. Angela's belly was round with their first child and they both looked ecstatic. Despite a few nerves, they were thrilled.

The next picture made me gasp out loud. It was Claire and John dancing. I blinked in surprise when I realized it was their wedding I was seeing. I heard Edward come up behind me and I made no move to hide what I had been looking at.

"Oh, wow," he said softly, his hands coming to rest on my shoulders.

"Yeah, Ang posted them."

"They look happy," he commented and he was right. Claire was stunning in a strapless ivory dress, her hair piled high on her head in an elaborate up-do. She and John were staring into each other's eyes and the love between them was clear.

"Yeah, they do. It's just weird…" I couldn't say exactly why it felt so weird to be looking at their wedding photos. All I knew was that it had sent an odd jolt of adrenaline through me. I had no second thoughts about being with Edward, but still, it was odd to see her in that context.

"Weird how?" Edward asked; a slight edge to his voice. I turned around to look at him and I threw my arms around his neck.

"I'm so sorry. Not weird like I want her back-I swear. It's just so strange that she and I are getting married within six months of each other."

"Oh." He relaxed and looked down at my left hand. His grandmother's ring glittered in the light and I was once again reminded of how perfectly it suited me.

"And I can't wait for ours," I said, drawing his lips down to mine.

"Yeah, me either," he mumbled against my mouth.

**EPOV**

I looked down at Bella gently swaying in my arms and felt my heart leap in my chest. She was my wife. And this dance was our first dance as a married couple. She sighed softly and her fingers squeezed mine. I rested my cheek against the top of her head and she pressed tighter against me. My arm squeezed around her waist and I thought I'd never felt happier.

Our wedding was perfect. Things went wrong of course, they always do, but it was still perfect. A button had come loose from the back of her dress just moments before she was supposed to walk down the aisle. Jasper's tux had the wrong size vest attached and the caterer had messed up the linens. All things that might have sent most brides into a stressed out panic attack, but not Bella. Apparently, when Alice told her about the vest and the linens, Bella had produced a giant container of safety pins, suggested someone get to work on the vest, and asked Esme if she had any linens we could use. Problems solved. Apparently, once the crisis was over she laughed and went back to painting Rose's toenails. Throughout our engagement a number of people had told her she was freakishly calm for a bride and every time she'd looked up at me and laughed, a happy smile playing on her lips. When we'd been through so much to get together, wedding planning seemed like a breeze. Although, it didn't hurt that Alice was the one in charge. She was enthusiastic and efficient.

Bella and I had wanted a small wedding and we'd asked my parents if we could get married at their house. Bella had always loved the house and they were happy to host it. We decided to get married in mid December, and because the guest list was small, it was relatively easy to find a date that worked for everyone. Alice had gleefully asked if she could organize it and we happily handed the reins over to her. We sat down with her to tell her what we had in mind, but for the most part, it was her show, and we were all happy with it. Alice had enjoyed it immensely and we didn't have to plan out every minute detail.

It did look incredible though. Alice had taken our vague ideas and turned them into something cohesive and beautiful. The entire house was covered in soft white lights and candles. There were bouquets of deep red roses, evergreens, and snowy white linens with gleaming silver and gold accents. My parents and Charlie and his date Cora were there, along with Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie. The Brandons were there, and so were Ben and Angela, Kate and Tanya. The Clearwaters and the Blacks rounded out the wedding and for dinner, everyone was seated at a single long table that took up most of the living room. I had apologized to my parents for taking over their house but they had laughed, pleased to have been able to host it for us. There was enough space for dancing, right in front of the roaring fireplace, and despite the snow coming down outside it was cozy and warm.

I wasn't even vaguely nervous as I stood in the entryway at the foot of the stairs, waiting for Bella. Our guests were standing in a semi circle behind me, and Bella and Charlie would come down the stairs together to meet me at the bottom. Our vows were short, and there were just two readings, poems we liked that would be read by Sue and Kate and then we would be married by a justice of the peace. Alice and Jasper would be to one side of me, Rosalie and Emmett on the other. Bella had been the one to suggest it; since they were the only people we had asked to stand up with us and hadn't felt the need for a best man and maid of honor. Since we weren't parading them down an aisle, they were already in place, except for Alice. I had recorded music for Bella to walk down the stairs to. My heart leapt in my throat when I heard the music begin. It was time. Alice was finishing up the last minute touches with Bella upstairs and I waited for her to come down. But nothing happened. No Alice and definitely no Bella. Rosalie shot me a concerned look and I shrugged. I wasn't worried. There weren't going to be any last minute jitters on her part, or mine for that matter. We were ready for this. I waited patiently and as the song began again from the beginning, a flustered Alice quickly and carefully descending the stairs to slide into place beside Jasper.

"Button came off," she hissed at me and I smiled and kept my gaze trained on the top of the stairs.

My heart nearly stopped in my chest when I saw Bella walk down the stairs with Charlie. Her dress was a long column of delicate lace in an ivory color and her hair was long and curly and half pinned back. The neckline was square and showed off the garnet necklace she wore, which had been a gift from my mother. I wanted to memorize every inch of her, but there was hardly time and I was grateful for the photographer who was there to capture all of it. Charlie hugged Bella and then me, and stepped back to take his place beside Cora. Bella slipped her hand into mine the moment she was beside me and the ceremony began. She squeezed my hand lightly and I turned to glance at her out of the corner of my eye. She was calm and beautiful looking. Her face was serious, but there was a little half smile on her face that didn't seem to want to go away.

We'd get things wrong, we'd fuck things up, but we'd love each other. That much I was very sure of.

**BPOV**

"How do you feel?" Edward asked.

"Tired." I sighed. "But good tired, happy, blissful tired."

"Me, too." He rubbed his nose against my neck. "I'm stupidly happy."

"Mmmhmm." I let myself sink lower in the huge jetted bathtub. "That's a good way to describe it."

We were silent for a while before I spoke again. "It seems silly now."

"What does?"

"All that fuss about starting a relationship with you. I was so scared."

"I know." His hand rubbed up and down my arm. "I was, too, at first."

"You dealt with it better than I did."

He shrugged. "I think a drunken monkey would have handled it better than you did."

"Thanks, Edward," I said dryly.

He laughed softly. "I'm glad we can joke about it now."

"Even if it is at my expense," I snorted and then grew serious. "No, honestly, I am glad we can, too."

"Tonight was perfect." Edward sighed and pressed a kiss to my hair.

"Yeah, it was. Hey, did it worry you when I was supposed to walk down the aisle and got delayed?"

"Well, I was a bit confused, but no, I didn't think you were changing your mind or going to go all 'Runaway Bride' on me."

"Good. I worried you would. I told Alice I didn't care if _all_ of the buttons on my dress came off I was going down the aisle either way."

"So did she sew it back on?"

"Yeah, she's speedy with a needle."

"You looked so beautiful," he said reverently.

"Do you know what I thought when I saw you?" I felt him shake his head no. "I thought, this is it, I finally get to keep him for real, he's so amazing, and he's mine."

"Yours always," he whispered and gently turned my head and kissed me. The kiss was sweet and slow at first but need quickly consumed us and Edward gently pulled me out of the tub and dried me before laying me down on the bed.

He kissed my eyelids and then down over my nose before brushing his lips across mine. He trailed across my jaw and down one side of my neck. His tongue flicked the soft skin behind my ear and I sighed and squirmed against him. He did the same with my collarbone and my shoulder and I gasped with pleasure. I wound my fingers through his soft, damp hair as he moved lower, taking my nipple in his mouth to suck on it.

"Edward," I gasped softly and I felt him smile against my skin. He took his time worshiping both of them before he moved down my stomach and to my hips and thighs before settling between them. His tongue was warm, wet, and soft. He tasted me gently at first before his tongue lapped at my wet flesh. My hips squirmed on the bed and he sucked on my clit until I hovered right on the edge of an orgasm. I smiled faintly when I felt the odd tingling in my feet. I still didn't understand why the feel of his mouth on my body made my feet go numb, but I wasn't surprised the familiar response my body always had to his. I buried my hands in his hair, needing to anchor myself before I shattered.

But, just as I was about to come apart he stopped and slid up my body, pushing into me without effort.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too."

I felt the metal band on his finger as it slid across my skin. I shivered with pleasure at the way it felt. At what it meant. My hands slid up his shoulders and I stared at the rings on my own finger.

I felt a chuckle rumble through his chest. "Are you distracted by something?"

I laughed softly. "My ring, and your ring against my skin."

"Do you like it?"

"Mmm, yes. I like it a lot." He leaned down to nibble at my earlobe.

"I'm glad to hear it, Mrs. Cullen."

He slid further into me and I sighed with pleasure. "You've been waiting to call me that all night, haven't you?"

"Yes." His breath was hot in my ear and I closed my eyes, reveling in the feel of his body sliding against mine and how deep he was inside of me. He hooked an arm around my right thigh and pulled my leg up alongside his hip. My hands moved to his back, coaxing him to move against me, needing to feel every inch of his body against mine. I would never be able to get close enough to him. I wanted to crawl inside of him, merge with him. I wanted every part of me to be a part of him.

My orgasm took me by surprise and so did the tears.

"I love you," I choked out, tears spilling down my cheeks at the pleasure and love that filled me.

"I love you, too." Tears glittered on his eyelashes and as I looked into the green depths I knew that I was the luckiest woman on earth. After he came with a soft cry and whispered words of love, we napped for a while.

When we woke up, I stretched and saw his eyes follow the sheet as it slipped down my body.

"It's weird...I know we ate dinner, but I'm kind of hungry," I said.

"Me, too. It just so happens that I have a picnic for you."

"You do?" I turned to look at him, amazed at how thoughtful he always was.

"Yep. The caterer made it up and dropped it off here before they headed to my parents' house."

"You think of everything."

"I would love to take credit but it was all Alice."

I smiled. "You two are an unstoppable force. You spoil me."

"You deserve it." He slid away from me and disappeared into the kitchenette, returning a few moments later with a tray of food and a bottle of champagne and a glass.

He fed me bites of food from his fingers and I drank sips of champagne. When we were finished I kissed him softly.

"I have a surprise for you, too, husband." His eyes lit up at the word and he grinned at me.

"Oh beautiful, call me that all night and I won't need anything else."

"I think you'll like it."

I shimmied out of bed and made my way across the room, returning a moment later to find Edward propped up against the headboard. He tilted his head and gave me a slightly puzzled look.

"Hmm, somehow I thought you meant lingerie."

"I bought that for Paris." His eyes glittered darkly at me and he gave me the slow, crooked grin that always set my skin on fire. "But I think you'll like this, too. Close your eyes."

He did and I straddled his legs and set the plate I had been hiding behind my back down beside us on the bed. I took a forkful of food and held it near his lips.

"Open your mouth," I said softly.

He obliged and I slid the fork inside. It was almost criminal to watch him eat it delicately off the fork and then lick his lips. I shivered and he smiled and began to chew. His eyes flew open and once he swallowed he looked at me in amazement.

"Pumpkin pie, your pumpkin pie. You made it for me?"

"Mmmhmm, and how can you tell it's mine?"

"Oh I know. I'll always know the taste of your pie beautiful," he purred in my ear.

I laughed, amazed that nothing had changed.

"Want some more of my pie...husband?" I asked.

Maybe a few things had changed. But the scorching look he gave me and the way he hurriedly moved the plate to the bedside table told me that while the title had changed, he was still the boy who I had met so many years before.

The next morning we were lazy and lounged around in bed. Edward got dressed just long enough to bring us breakfast in bed, something that he had arranged with the owners of the B&B. We spent the entire day in bed and the following morning we were on a plane to Paris.

Edward apologized for the tickets not being first class and I shook my head at him.

"You're taking me to Paris for a week. I don't care if we hang off the wings of the plane I am just so excited to go."

He chuckled and squeezed my hand. Between the chaos of disembarking and customs and getting on the train to go into the heart of the city, it hadn't really sunk in that we were in Paris until we made it to the top step coming out of the subway at the Rue de Rivoli. I turned to Edward, my eyes wide, to see him staring at me.

"That's what I was waiting for."

I blushed and he chuckled and squeezed my hand. "I love that you're this excited. C'mon, let's find our apartment."

We were staying in an apartment just a block and a half from the Louvre museum. We had looked at hotels, but for a weeks' stay, the apartment made so much more sense. It was far less than we'd pay for a hotel, and in an ideal location. It put us right at the center of the city, near a metro stop so we could take the subway to any of the major sights in the city.

The week was magical. We spent it walking the streets, striking off in a different direction each morning to explore. We went to museums, we kissed on the Eiffel Tower, we ate at cozy little bistros, and drank wine and coffee with every delicious meal. We made love on the bed in our apartment and more in love with each other than we'd ever been before. Paris was incredible, and I loved every minute of it. But I would have happily stayed in Forks, so long as it was Edward I was spending my honeymoon with.

**EPOV**

I came home early from working on a film and decided to surprise Bella at my parents' house. She often went there for a long weekend when I was gone. She got lonely sometimes and because she enjoyed spending time with them. I let myself in to the house and I stood in the doorway of the kitchen watching Bella and my mother. Bella had wanted to learn how to make my mother's wild mushroom lasagna for a while and it was an all day process. The kitchen was covered in dirty dishes and there were several pots bubbling away on the stove. They were both drinking wine and laughing. They had their backs to me and I watched them for a few moments. Esme said something and Bella coughed on her wine.

"I can't believe you did that." She giggled, sounding scandalized.

Esme shrugged. "I was drunk, what can I say?"

I cleared my throat and they both jumped and whirled around. Bella's hair was piled on her head in a messy bun and her cheeks were flushed. Her eyes were bright and laughing, and although I was already so in love with her that it hurt, I fell just a little bit more. I hugged my mother distractedly and made my way over to Bella.

"I missed you," I murmured against her lips.

"I missed you, too." She wrapped her arms around my neck and clung to me, kissing me softly.

She had been a little bit uncomfortable about displays of affection in front of my parents at first, but that had dissipated.

"It hurts sometimes, how much I love you."

"I know." She rubbed her hand over my chest, right above my heart.

"I didn't even know how much I wanted this."

"Wanted what?" she asked softly.

"Wanted to see you and my mother laughing and cooking in here. The idea that you two get along so well...it just..." I pressed my lips to her hair, overwhelmed by the way I was feeling. "I wanted that. I just didn't know how much."

She nodded and buried her head in my neck. We stood there for a long time, re-connecting. It was hard being away from her for so long sometimes. We managed and it wasn't always easy, but seeing her again when I came home made every moment away from her worthwhile.

**BPOV**

Alice and Jasper married the summer after Alice graduated. It was a lavish June wedding and although I wouldn't have wanted anything that huge, it was gorgeous. Despite having nearly two hundred guests, Alice had come up with a thousand different ways of making it personal and meaningful. They wrote their own ceremony, and included personally written notes with the chocolate truffle favors. They did photos before the ceremony so they spent the entire cocktail hour mingling with guests. Edward was stunning in a tux, and although I tried to pay attention during the ceremony I found myself frequently distracted by the sight of him standing just behind Jasper. Three years later they had pair of twin boys. They were incredibly energetic and into everything, but so much fun and Edward and I had a great time taking them to the zoo, and the children's' museum, and keeping them for occasional weekends so Alice and Jasper could get a break.

Alice's dream of opening a boutique that offered fashionable clothing to people with limited mobility took off. She was happy and the shop became quite successful. Jasper became a history professor and wrote several well reviewed books.

Rosalie and Emmett had a smaller wedding; she didn't invite anyone from her family except for a cousin she was close to. And although Emmett's family was large, they kept things as small as they could. They got married the August after she graduated from law school and they both were very happy. I was shocked when six months later she came to me in tears.

"I want a baby, Bella," she sobbed.

Edward gave me an alarmed look and went to go make tea for us while I got Rose settled on the couch.

"Okay..." I prompted.

"I want a baby, but I just started at the firm and I shouldn't even be thinking about a child yet."

Edward handed us mugs of tea and a box of tissues, kissed both of us on the top of our heads, and fled. I didn't blame him. Rose crying was surely a sign of the apocalypse.

"Rose, both of the partners at the firm are female and have children, I am sure they will understand," I reassured her

"But I can't stay home and I can't stand the thought of my kids being raised by a nanny or day care," she said scathingly.

"Um, Rose, you have a husband. He's phenomenal with kids, and he's not loving his job right now. Have you talked to him about it?"

"About what?"

"About wanting kids now, about if he'd be interested in staying home with them, etc..."

"Well fuck, I hadn't even thought of that."

With a laugh, she was back to being Rose, and she promised to sit down with Emmett. Sure enough, he was thrilled with the idea and although they'd have to be a bit more careful with their budget, they could manage it.

Three months later, she was pregnant and in just a few years, they had three small children, two girls and a boy. Emmett was in his element, and once they were all old enough, he went back to school and became a teacher. He taught business at UofW and Rose thoroughly settled into the law firm.

Angela and Ben gave birth to a little girl who only lived a few weeks. They were heartbroken, but they supported each other throughout it and eventually went on to adopt four children who had lost their parents in a car crash.

After a great deal of agony, I finally decided that I didn't want to have children. Edward and I talked about it endlessly and always came to the same conclusion.

Alice didn't take it so well.

"What do you mean you don't want kids?"

When I told her she froze and gave me an astonished look. I had spent the afternoon with Alice and her boys and we were in their bedroom playing with them. She let go of her son Ethan and he gleefully pulled all of the toys out of his toy chest. They had just spent ten minutes getting them all put back and I automatically reached for him and pulled him onto my lap before he could cause any more chaos. Jack was stacking blocks at the moment so he was occupied.

"I mean, the more I think about it...the more I realize that feeling just isn't there for me, Alice," I explained patiently. I understood her surprise. I had never particularly wanted kids, but it hadn't been until recently that I'd come to a final decision about it. "You know how you look at baby shoes and get that goofy look on your face? It's not there for me. I mean, they're adorable, and I kind of love miniature things, but it has nothing to do with the baby."

"But you're so good with Ethan and Jack."

"Yes." I hugged Ethan to me and he reached up to tug on a lock of my hair. He was one of the most adorable kids ever with his mother's wide grey eyes and nearly black hair. His curls were all Jasper's though. "But Alice, I don't want any of my own."

She was quiet for a few moments while she gathered up the toys again. "How does Edward feel about it?"

"Honestly, he's fine. He said he doesn't really feel it either and we're going to enjoy work and travel and each other. And all of these fabulous kids that you and Rose have."

She struggled to wrap her brain around the idea and we talked for hours about it after the boys had been put down for a nap.

"This is just something you're going to have to not push me on, okay?" I gently reminded her and she nodded. "If I change my mind at some point, that's okay, but for now I don't think it's going to happen."

"Okay."

I hugged her, grateful that she was so understanding. Rosalie was surprised by it, too, and Emmett even more so. But they were our friends and they listened while Edward and I explained it. It had been a difficult decision and what I'd worried the most about was disappointing Edward's parents. One afternoon while he was on a trip, I worked up the courage to tell my mother in law.

"Can I talk to you, Esme?"

"Of course, Bella." We settled in with glasses of wine and I poured my heart out to her.

"I just keep feeling like there's something wrong with me that I don't want kids," I said. "And I feel like I'm letting you and Carlisle down."

She looked at me thoughtfully before replying. "I would be thrilled with grandkids. There's no question about that. But I would never want you to feel any pressure from us about it. We love you, and if you have five kids or none, it doesn't matter."

I sighed, relaxing a little. "For a long time, I worried that there was something wrong with me, that I didn't want them. That maybe Renee had screwed me up."

Esme took my hands in hers. "You are whole and perfect, there's nothing screwed up at all about you. It's a choice, Bella, and you're being mature and responsible about it. I'd far rather see you and Edward lavish your attention on your friends' children than have kids of your own and regret it. Despite being moody and obnoxious all through middle school and high school, Edward was an easy child. But even as easy going as he was, it's an enormous drain on your time and energy. For me, it was worth it, but it isn't for everyone. I'm proud that you can recognize that. If you don't feel an all-consuming ache to have a child, you shouldn't have one."

"You don't think it has anything to do with Renee?"

She took another long moment to gather her thoughts. "I think you learned from her mistakes. She had a child she wasn't really prepared for, and it was detrimental to her happiness and her marriage. But no, I don't think she screwed you up, or that you're incapable of being a good mother or anything of the sort. I've seen you with your friends' little ones. You're wonderful with them. But there's not a thing wrong with you for not wanting your own."

"Thank you, Esme," I whispered as I hugged her tightly.

"You're welcome. Don't ever forget that we love you, no matter what."

My life with Edward was rich and happy. Our jobs kept us busy and every moment we had together was precious. I loved my job, but sometimes the workload was overwhelming. It was fine when Edward traveled; it was something to keep me occupied. But sometimes we resented each other's jobs. I hated that his meant he had to leave for weeks on end, and he hated that sometimes I spent weekends buried in manuscripts, when he wanted to spend time with me. It wasn't always easy balancing it, but we managed and the time we spent together was sweeter for it.

We made an effort to stay in touch with the people we cared about and dinners on the third Saturday of every month helped. Sometimes they were at Alice and Jasper's, or Emmet and Rosalie's, or Tanya and Kate's. Occasionally Angela and Ben came, although they had moved back to the Forks area, so we saw them less often. Sometimes Jake and Leah came. To my great shock they had stayed together and had a family of their own. Cora and Charlie didn't bother to get married, but they moved in together and they were both very happy.

The dinners were always fun. There was usually a lot of laughter and wine and food, and sometimes heated discussions. Edward and my decision to remain childless in no way meant that we didn't have family, perhaps not by birth, but because we loved them. Our friends were like siblings, their children our nieces and nephews. Edward's parents spoiled the kids rotten and always offered to host the big holiday celebrations to bring everyone together. There were quiet moments with just Edward and I together and more love and support than I had ever dreamed of. Our life wasn't perfect, but every terrible day was better because I had Edward by my side.

**BPOV**

The third time I saw Claire wasn't until many years later. Edward and I were strolling through the art fair in downtown Seattle and I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going. I was distracted by a booth with hand blown glass ornaments and I tugged Edward in that direction. I ran right into someone and I rocked back with a muffled oath. Edward caught me, as always, and I turned to apologize. I was startled to see that it was Claire. She had a few lines around her eyes, her hair had some streaks of grey mixed in with the honey blond and she was a bit heavier. But she was still fit and beautiful, and looked just as stunned as I felt.

"Bella!" she exclaimed.

"Claire."

"How are you?"

"I'm great, you?"

"I just got back from a trip to Japan, business."

"Oh wonderful. You were able to use all eight of your degrees then, I see," I teased her and she laughed.

"Yeah. Thank god John is so good with the kids." She motioned to where he was standing with two children. They had a boy who was dark haired like John and a girl who looked just like Claire must have at that age. "He's wonderful when I have to be gone."

"That's great," I said sincerely as he waved at us. I waved back and asked her about Mike.

She laughed. "Well, he just married Jessica for the second time."

"What?"

"They got married like a year after graduation, ran off to Vegas on some stupid whim and spent the next six months arguing before they got a divorce."

"I lost touch with her, I had no idea…"

"Yeah, it was a mess. But she found out she was pregnant and they shared custody and they ended up back together. They had a small wedding just a few months ago. Amy, their daughter, was their flower girl. I think they both needed to grow up for it to work, but they're both really happy now."

"I'm really happy for them, and for you."

She took my hand and squeezed it. "I'm happy for you, too."

She smiled at Edward and he gave her an easy smile back. We said our goodbyes to Claire and she headed toward her family while Edward and I continued on to the glass booth.

"Weird, huh?" Edward said.

"Very. She looks happy though."

"Yeah. You look just as happy though."

"I am." I turned to smile at him.

"Do you ever regret it?" he asked, tilting his head to look down at me. It was a question without malice or fear, merely something he was wondering and I shook my head.

"No. Everything worked out exactly the way I hoped. All of us are happy, you can't ask for more."

"And you don't ever wish we'd had kids?" We had made the final decision on my thirtieth birthday and never once looked back. It was right for us. We had work, and travel, and hobbies and each other, and I never for a moment felt like we were missing out.

"Not in the least," I replied, looking up at Edward. "I love our life," I said and kissed him

passionately. Something I intended to do for the rest of our lives.

**BPOV**

We walked through the doors and as Edward took a cart, I couldn't help but smile. Life was amazingly cyclical. We had gone grocery shopping thousands of times before and every time, I thought of the first time when I was too blind to see what I had right in front of me. I glanced up at Edward; he was still as handsome as ever. His hair was grey now; silver actually, but surprisingly thick for his age. Our age. I still found it astonishing that we were elderly now. I didn't feel elderly. Well, some mornings I did, physically anyway. But mentally I felt hardly any different than I had the day we got married. It seemed impossible to believe that it had been fifty four years ago. Rosalie and Emmett's oldest daughter had thrown us a lavish party after our vow renewal for our fiftieth anniversary. It had been a wonderful night. I'd stood beside my husband, our hands clasped together and thought, _this is it, we're nearing the end, and I wouldn't take a single moment of it back._

It was a good feeling. A little terrifying because I knew our time was winding down. We'd been lucky, good genes and an active life had given us so many years together. Edward's heart had given us a scare a few years before and I was wildly grateful that the minor surgery he'd had corrected the problem. We had spent our younger years jogging together and more recently swimming together, and I was suddenly grateful. The time went so fast. I looked up at him again and smiled. We were wrinkled and old now and yet I still thought he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.

"What's on your mind?" he asked and I turned to look at him.

"Just thinking about our life together," I said honestly. He smiled at me and I smiled back and squeezed his hand.

Suddenly remembering that I wanted grapes, I let go of his hand and continued on his way. His walk was a little slower and more deliberate, but his back was still strong and straight and I saw women half his age turn to look at him. He was still a flirt and even college age girls had a tendency to get flustered around him. He was polite and charming and somehow managed to charm their socks off without coming off like a creepy old man, although I loved to tease him about it. He teased me about the harem of younger men who lived in the neighborhood who were always offering to mow our lawn or shovel the walk. I protested they were just after my baked goods, which he usually managed to twist into something suggestive. _God I loved him, so much._ I felt my chest tighten with the overwhelming happiness in it. I bagged the grapes and turned to find Edward.

Instead, I saw a young couple walking side by side. They were in their early twenties and I could practically see the nervous tension radiating off both of them. They were very close together - their hands almost touching - and I saw her finger reflexively twitch as if to grasp his, but she sighed and relaxed them almost immediately. As I followed them down the aisle I saw him touch her lower back softly and the way she leaned imperceptibly into him. I suddenly saw Edward and I, much younger, in a different store, fighting ourselves and our fears. I watched them for a few moments and when the guy stepped away to grab something I stopped beside the girl.

"Don't waste this opportunity," I said softly and she turned to look at me, a puzzled look on her face. "If you love him, say something."

She smiled sadly. "It's complicated..."

"It always is. But it's worth taking the risk, I promise. I've had sixty years with my husband and I'm sorry I wasted the first year we knew each other."

She nodded and thanked me quietly. I walked toward Edward who had been standing at the end of the aisle watching me with a puzzled look.

"What was that about?" he asked me.

"Just giving a girl some advice. I saw myself in her," I admitted.

He nodded and leaned down to brush his lips against mine.

"I love you," he said softly.

"I love you, too. So much."

I linked my arm with his and turned to look at the couple. The guy had joined her and I saw her fingers reach out to take his. He turned to look at her with a surprised look on his face, but when his fingers wound through hers I let out the breath I had been holding. She turned back to look at me and the joy on her face made my throat close up with tears. If they were half as happy as Edward and I, they would be very lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would of course love to hear what you think of the chapter, but even more, what you thought of the story as a whole. Even if you haven't reviewed in the past, a few words would go a long way.
> 
> As always, if you think there's something I could have done better, I'd be happy to hear that, too. 
> 
> I haven't gotten a single review for this here on AO3 and I know at least someone's reading it. Please, let me know what you think!


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